Death Is A Bitch....okay he's a badass
My Little Brony: Friendship Is Music
Chapter 1: Death is a **.....more like a pimp
This is just a little experiment I'm trying it may float your boat maybe not but whatever I'm fine either way this sentence will eventually end starting now.... Okay now...... NOW!:
My life flashes before my eyes. I see childhood and some of my teenage hood. I see the jerks at school. I see the ex girlfriends that dumped me. I see the friends that now hate me. Damn my life sucked. I feel a piercing shard of metal hit my heart and everything goes blank. No literally everything goes blank its all white. If I couldnt see my own arms Id think I went blind. Wishing I had my axe guitar it suddenly appeared in front of me and I grab it. Wait is this death?
"Actually no, I am," said a voice behind me. I turn around (not exactly sure how) to see a buff green man in armor wearing a skull mask and carrying a scyth. Wait a second....
"HOLY DARKSIDERS II YOUR DEATH!" I replied calmly.
"I just said that," he snipped back.
"Yeah but why do you look like that?" I asked curiously. He stood their for a moment tapping his chin and began to explain. You know what screw telling blow by blow who said what use the damn context.
"I have no true form so I appear as Im expected to look."
"That makes sense."
"Usually I appear as a skeleton in a robe, a few times I appeared as the skeleton of a pony. That was really uncomfortable damn bronies."
"Woah.WOAH! Calm down man Im a brony. Your just lucky I have a taste in video games. So I guess that Im not going to Equestria?"
"No your going to hell, now if you would get in the Ferrari I will drive you down this long dusty road to get there."
Suddenly both things appeared out of nowhere, and I couldnt help but feel excited at this once in a lifetime, (or is it deathtime?) opportinity. I grab my guitar, stand in the back seat and get set up.
"Hey do you mind if I play a song on the way there?"
"Why not. You seem oddly calm about this."
"Well Ive seen this coming for a while."
"Aah that explains it. Well lets go."
I grabbed my guitar and start playing my favorite rock song.
"Living Easy, Living Free
Season ticket on a one-way ride
Asking nothing, leave me be
Taking everything in my stride
Aint nothing Id rather do
Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there too, yeah
Im on the highway to hell
on the highway to hell
highway to hell
Im on the highway to hell
No stop signs, speed limit
Nobodys gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobodys gonna mess me round
Hey Satan, payed my dues
playing in a rocking band
hey momma, look at me
Im on my way to the promised land
OWWW
Im on the highway to hell
highway to hell
Im on the highway to hell
highway to hell
ohhhhh
dont stop me
yeah, yeah, owwww
Im on the highway to hell
on the highway to hell
Im on the highway to hell
on the highway to...HELL
highway to hell
Im on the highway to hell
highway to hell
highway to hell
highway to hell
momma, highway to hell
And Im going down, All the way down
Im on the highway to HeOLY **!"
Death hit the breaks on the car and I go flinging over the windshield. Picking myself up I find myself oddly uninjured. Oh wait, dead. Forgot about that for a second. I stood up to see what the deal was only to see something I thought was impossible. I face a dracon with the paw of a lion the head of a horse the tail of a snake and....you know what screw it its made of a bunch of different things. I was looking at the legendary Discord, bringer of chaos and disharmony. He turned to me and said the words that changed my life.
"Hey your Jacob Stoner right?"
"Its Jake Stonesboro actually."
"Same difference, I assume you know why Im here?"
"Going by every fourth mlp fanfic your going to give me an insane propostition that I cant refuse."
"Your smarter than you look, heres the deal. Im going to enchant your guitar an everytime you play it the people around you will preform actions based on the lyrics of the song your playing. Your going to go to Ponyville two days after the elements of harmony formed. You will then once a day stir up minor amounts of harmless chaos with a song."
"And why would I agree to that?"
"Your choices are A. Go to your dream paradise and cause small amounts of FUN chaos. Or B. Go to hell....LITERALLY."
"Point taken, ok Im in"
"Excellent, EXCELLENT, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I thought you werent evil anymore?"
"I am the god of chaos, I was never evil I just did what was natural. Time has no effect over me, the next time you'll see me Ill be released from stone and will cause the mane six to fight. The future can be changed but my actions are set in stone."
"Whatever you say Q."
Giving me an annoyed glance he snapped his fingers, and my axe changed form until it was a steel battle ax with guitar strings. He snapped them again as I was surrounded by a glowing white light. When it ended I was standing in a valley. In the distance I could see a small village.
"Honeey Im ho-ome!"
Author's Note
Soooooo?
A/N: Okay so I had three ideas for chapter 2 but I couldn't make any of them chapter length. So here's three short stories about Jake's first day in Equestria. The first person to tell me the reference in the chapter title gets a sneak peak of the next one. Enjoy!
I spotted my soon to be new home of Ponyville in the distance. Starting to walk I enjoy the beautiful scenery as techni-colored rabbits and squirrels run by. Stopping to smell the roses (What? You need to do that at times) I am suddenly sent flying 6 yards (screw you non-Americans!) into a tree. Standing up and looking myself over I am uninjured. Wait, am I still dead?
"That's fucking awe-!" I get launched back in the tree. I turn to see a rainbow blur launch at me as I grab a large limb off of the tree and hit the incoming object over the head. Instantly a familiar figure lands on the ground. "HOLY SHIT! I KILLED RAINBOW DASH!"
Jumping down and checking her vitals I realize that she is just out cold. Finding her to be incredibly light and assuming she has bird bones, I flip her over my shoulder and start jogging to Ponyville for help. Stopping to catch my breath I wonder why Discord put me so damn far away from town.
I suddenly hear the sound of galloping and I turn to see the rest of the mane six charging at me. Applejack gives me a good buck and I go three times the distance Dash and sent me. "CAN'T I GO FIVE BUCKING MINUTES WITHOUT SOMEBODY RANDOMLY ATTACKING ME!?!"
The question seemed to have baffled them. "You mean you didn't attack our friend?" asked Twilight. "No I did not, she attacked me out of nowhere and I knocked her out in self defense. I was carrying her to town for medical attention when YOU randomly attacked me." I snipped. Rainbow then regained consciousness.
"Dash what happened?" asked Applejack. "I was flying to you girls when I saw this thing coming from the direction of the Everfree Forest towards town. I figured it was a sort of monster and attacked it, then it knocked me out!" She explained. "Of course I knocked you out you randomly attacked an innocent man!" They all began to look a little guilty at this point.
"Well I reckin' you are a bit odd lookin' sugarcube," said Applejack. "Oh and that gives you the right to be cruel to me? Didn't your mothers ever tell you not to judge a book by it's cover?" I then grabbed my guitar and began to sing.
"If they only knew
How I felt inside
Maybe they'd understand
If they only knew
What I could do
Maybe they'd understand
Just give me a chance
and I'll prove it to you
There's so much I can do
Don't judge this book by its cover
I just look different than you
We've all got our talents
They're not all the same
I wish they'd understand
If they'd look past this cover
my story'd begin
Maybe they'd understand
Just give me a chance
and I'll prove it to you
There's so much I can do
Don't judge this book by its cover
I just look different than you
It's not the clothes I wear
Or the color of my hair
I've got the will and I've got the heart
I just wish someone would care
Just give me a chance
and I'll prove it to you
There's so much I can do
Don't judge this book by its cover
I just look different than you"
"We're sorry," said Twilight, "We never meant to be rude right Dash?" "Yeah, sure," she said. "But, what are you?" asked Rarity. "Well I'll tell you in a minute."
"Why not now?" asked Twilight. "Because he's going to do it conveniently between the first and second part of the chapter leaving out Discord so we don't panic, so that the author can be lazy and leave out that conversation," blurted Pinkie Pie. "...........What?" asked everyone simultaneously.
OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY
"So I'm going to need a place to stay while I'm in Ponyville, any suggestions?" "You can stay here with me in the guest room at the library," offered Twilight. I saw that one coming. "Thank you, now I need to get some new duds as my current clothes are ripped to shreds. To bad too, I liked that Green Day shirt." "Well I would gladly make you some 'duds' darling," offered Rarity.
I pull out my wallet and find that my money had all been turned into bits, thank you Discord. "How much does an outfit cost Rarity? And I demand to pay full price." "Fifty bits darling," she replied. Dang I only have twenty bits. Wait a second...twenty bits...magic guitar...songs...cheap clothes...URIKA!
"Ooh I can't afford that, is there a thrift shop nearby?" "There's a Goodwill by Vinyl Scratch's club," said Pinkie, "but I doubt they have anything for humans." "Don't worry I have a plan. Can somebody show me the way to the Goodwill?" "I will," said Spike, who I had met briefly before. As we approached the building I pulled out my guitar and headed for the club.
"Stonesboro, can we go thrift shopping?" asked Spike.
"What what what what
what what what what
what what what what
what what what what
what what what what
what what what what
what what what what.
Oh! Oh!
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty bits in my pocket
I-I-I'm huntin'
Lookin for a come up
This is fucking awesome"
I barged into the club attracting many stares.
"Now, walk into the club like, "what up I got a big cock"
I'm so pumped I bought some shit from a thrift shop
Ice in the fridge is so damn frosty
The people like"
A stallion at the bar goes, "Damn, that's a cold ass hockey!"
"Rollin' in hella deep, headed to the mezzanine
Dressed in all pink, 'cept my gator shoes those are green
Draped in a leopard mink, girls standin' next to me
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets"
Now in the thrift shop Spike rolls by in a grocery cart, "Pissssssssss"
"But shit it was ninety nine cents (bag it)
Bout to go and get some compliments passin' off on those moccasins
Someone else has been walkin' in but me and grungie fuck 'em in
I am stuntin' and flossin' and
Savin my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'mma take your grandpa's style, I'mma take your grandpa's style,
No for real ask your grandpa can I have his hand-me-downs (Thank you)
Velour jump suit and some house slippers
Dookie brown leather jacket that I found diggin'
They had a broken keyboard I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard
Hello, hello, my ace man my mello
John Wayne ain't got nothin' on my fringe game
Hell no
I can take some pro wings, make 'em cool, sell those
The sneaker heads will be like"
Random Goodwill shopper, "Ahhh he got the velcro"
"Only got twenty bits in my pocket
I-I-I'm huntin'
Lookin' for a come up
This is fucking awesome
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got bits dollars in my pocket
I-I-I'm huntin'
Lookin' for a come up
This is fucking awesome
Whatcha know bout rockin' a wolf on your noggin
Whatcha knowin about wearin' a fur fox skin
I'm diggin', I'm diggin', I'm searching right through that luggage
One mans trash that's another mans come up
Thank your grand dad for donating that plaid button
Up shirt cause right now I'm up in her skirt
I'm at the Goodwill you can find me in the (Uptons)
I'm not, I'm not stuck on searching in that section (Uptons)
Your Grammy, your auntie, your momma, you mammy
I'll take those flannel zebra jammies secondhand and rock that mothafucka
The built a onesie with the socks on the mothafucka
I hit the party and they stopped in that mothafucka
They be like "oh that's gucci that's hella tight"
I'm like "Yo! That's fifty dollars for a t-shirt"
Limited edition, let's do some simple addition
Fifty dollars for a t-shirt that's just some ignorant bitch (sheeeeit)
I call that getting swindled and pimped (sheeeeit)
I call that getting tricked by a business
That shirt's hella dough
And havin the same one as six other people in this club is a hella don't
Peep game come take a look through my telescope
Tryin'a get girls with my brand man you hella won't
Man you hella won't"
Spike says "Goodwill... Poppin' Tags... Yeah!"
"I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty bits in my pocket
I-I-I'm huntin'
Lookin' for a come up
This is fucking awesome
I'll wear your granddads clothes,
I look incredible
I'm in this big ass coat
From the thrift shop down the road
I wear your granddads clothes,
I look incredible
I'm in this big ass coat
From the thrift shop down the road
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty bits in my pocket
I-I-I'm huntin'
Lookin' for a come up
This is fucking awesome
Hahaha"
Spike asks "Is that your grandma's coat?"
"...................What the hell just happened?" asked Spike. "I used a magical instrument to get several assorted items, a shitload of clothes and a DeLorean for twenty bits, that's what happened." "I...I think having you around will be interesting," replied Spike.
"Well this is a problem." I just entered Twilight's guest room to find a 4.5ft long bed. I'm 5 ft. 11in. tall. "Oh my gosh I forgot how tall you are. I'll go find a spell to make it bigger," Twilight exclaimed. "That's what she said," snickered Spike followed by a groan of pain as I smack him in the back of the head.
Three hours and one ice cream eating contest with Spike later (he beat me by two gallons) Twi had come up with nothing. "You know Twi, can I call you Twi? I'm going to call you Twi. Anyway you know Twi, I've been thinking about it and I have an idea. Go move the bed into that magical never ending storage room you showed me and I'm going to go get Fluttershy."
"What?" she asked confused. "Just trust me and Spike don't go to sleep your going to want to see this." The trip to Fluttershy's cottage was short and quiet. Knocking on the door I hear a small squeak and a few moments later the timid yellow mare opens the door.
"Oh, hey Jake," she murmured. "Hey Fluttershy are you busy?" "No not really did you need something?" "I was wondering if you would accompany me to the library as I have a surprise I believe you will enjoy." "Oh, okay." As we were walking back I began remembering, and Fluttershy reminds me of her so much.
"You know Fluttershy I knew somebody a lot like you back home." "You did?" "Yeah timid, shy and I learned something from her. Those people who are like that usually think they're not as good as others, yet at the same time those people are usually the kindest and the most perfect of all. The same goes for you Fluttershy."
She smiles and blushes a little after I say that. When we arrive at the library Twi had done as I asked. We all go in my room and I close the door. "Spike will you open the window?" He flicks his tail at it knocking it open. I pick up my ax from where I left it in the corner.
"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare"
At this point ten million fireflies (it was crowded) appeared out of know where and Fluttershy flipped and started playing with them. Twilight gawked in disbelief and Spike just smirked at there reactions.
"I'd like to make myself believe
That Equestria turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe
That Equestria turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe
That Equestria turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That Equestria turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That Equestria turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams"
"Wow," exclaimed Twilight as she left the room to gather her thoughts. Spike shut the window as the last firefly left and went upstairs immediately followed by snoring. "That was amazing!" Fluttershy exclaimed in a soft yelp. "Thank you, and now I have a bed and a disco ball." "Speaking of bed..." Fluttershy looked away and blushed. "What Flutters?" "Well, it's really late and I don't want to walk home, can I sleep with you?"
I smiled at her. "Of course you can, I'll get in and you get howevers comfortable." I crawled in the side, giving her plenty of room to sleep. She crawls in and nestles right up against me. I hear the faint breathing of her sleeping and I smile with tears in my eyes. It may be my fault that Rachel is dead, but I have a new sister in Fluttershy. And as long as I'm around, no one will harm a hair in her mane.
Author's Note
What you expected him to have a happy skippy past? He was going to HELL people.
Don't Call It A Comeback (Okay do, I totally left)
A lone unicorn is walking into the creepy depths of the dark Everfree forest. The moonlight streams in gently through the branches, lighting the unicorns white fur, adding a light gleam to her blue hair. She trots down the winding labyrinth of paths as if she had a million times, a destination in mind. As she enters a small clearing, she walks up to the door of a wooden cabin, with a car popularized by an 80's Sci-Fi movie sitting in front of it. With a resonating knock on the door, the creaking sound of someone walking inside begins.
I hear an obnoxious banging noise as I remove my headphones and look to the door. I'm assuming it's Vinyl back for another record from the secret artist "Fire Tape". Opening the door I do in fact find the infamous DJ-Pon3 on my doorstep, with a briefcase of what I can only assume are the things I asked for.
"Come on in," I ask her, which she does trotting into my shack with nothing but a fridge some sound equipment and a pile of dirty clothes on which to sleep. Shortly after arriving in Ponyville, the locals apparently didn't like that I bent their will in order to get clothes using a magic guitar. In order to avoid conflict and punish me for the apparently "Evil" actions I had performed, I was kicked to this shack in the woods. Luckily Vinyl took an interest in me after I barged into her club with unfamiliar music, and she's kept me hooked up while I supply creative hits to her company that I just straight up plagiarized from my world.
"I have the next record ready, if that's what your here for," I pull it off a shelf as she gives me a menacing glance.
"Oh... I'm afraid I'm not here for that," She begins morphing into a tall muscular form I am sadly familiar with, draped in all green, "I can finally get you after 4 years of trying to connect to this plane."
"Hello again Death... long time no see man... and by that I mean I've been here like 3 weeks how did it take 3 years?" I glance at my calender to make sure I'm not off base with this. Grabbing a leather coat and tossing it on, I grab my guitar as well, "Wait.. but that doesn't feel right... It feels like I've been here longer."
"I'm afraid that's true Stonesboro, See the author to your story gave up on you, and as a result, I couldn't get here, You've been on a 4 year hiatus. But since you haven't upholding your word to Discord, I'm able to take you freely now that I'm here," and at that he approaches me with his big ass scythe, which I do not want approaching me.
"Wait... that's why my life was in a rut.... but if your here that means it's not over.." I begin strumming with a smirk before I bust out into song.
"Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I've been looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Abusin' every one of them and running wild"
My form shifts, as all my clothes turn black and my eyes adjust to see perfectly in the darkness.
"'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well, I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
Back in the back
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack
Yes, I'm in a bang
With a gang
They've got to catch me if they want me to hang
'Cause I'm back on the track
And I'm beatin' the flack
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
So look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way"
With a blast of sound Deaths form shifts and falls apart, leaving a small pile of bones in a cloak.
"'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well, I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
Well, I'm back, yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes I'm back in black"
I bust open my door, leaving the disheveled corpse of death behind, and walking past my lovely Delorean, I climb into my new Caddilac, rushing towards town.
"Ho yeah
Oh yeah
Yes I am
Oh yeah, yeah oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, (I'm back)
Back, (I'm back)
Back, (I'm back)
Back, (I'm back)
Back
Back in black
Yes I'm back in black
Out of the sight"
The vehicle turns invisible as I rush towards a familiar library in the night. I ain't done yet, no matter how long that son of a bitch author leaves me gone.
Author's Note
So yeah I'mma continue this 4 years later. Because fuck it. Future chapters will be longer.
