Terrifyin' Timberwolf

by Swashbucklist

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Alternate Universe
Length: 1662

A parody of events in "Spike at Your Service."

Timberwolves … the most frightening, ravenous, relentless predators that prowl the Everfree Forest. In order to relieve Spike of the life debt he feels obligated to fulfill, Applejack attempts to apply this creature's legendary ferocity to deceive him. Unfortunately, her puppet is crap.

Proofread by Shanenator
Cover art by FrumpleChuck

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-11 07:20:01 UTC

Ah am a damsel in distress.

Applejack prided herself on being the honest mare that she was. It gave her a sense of personal gratification and contentment that the virtues she represented as an Element of Harmony were merely traits that came naturally to her. She was sincere to her friends and strangers alike, was true to herself, and made a living doing hard, honest work. The drawback was that these intrinsic virtues were making her current task, the deception of one of her friends with the intent of sparing his feelings, a bigger challenge than ten straight hours of apple-bucking. Heck, ten straight hours of orange-bucking would be easier to stomach. Sometimes it was a pain in the apples being the Element of Honesty, honestly.

Now was one of those times, as she looked upon the puppet her other friends had constructed to fool Spike. Her confidence plummeted.

Sweet Celestia's shiny hiney, he'll never fall for that!

Standing in for one of the most dangerous predators in the Everfree Forest was a bundle of sticks and small logs strung together with twine that possessed no more muscle than a swing set. Strong, sinewy ropes trailed down to its paws, which dangled not-so-menacingly above the ground. Twilight's powerful magic held its strings aloft but lent no power whatsoever to the puppet's limbs. Applejack groaned inwardly.

Having beaten the twigs out of three Timberwolves recently, Applejack now realized that playing the victim to this thing meant she would have to step into the same incompetent shoes Spike had been wearing these last few days. She glanced at him, expecting him to have already picked up on the cheap ploy, but to her surprise the little dragon actually appeared quite scared. After being baffled by Rarity and Pinkie Pie's theatrics a moment ago, he now seemed to be buying it.

She was distracted from Spike by the sound of Fluttershy clopping behind the bushes with Rainbow Dash, signaling that the Timberwolf was coming. The non-vicious-looking bundle of logs was now bouncing toward her as threateningly as the poor thing could manage.

That has got to be the least threatening thing Ah've ever seen in all mah days. Looks less dangerous than the kitchen sponge! …'Specially since Spike somehow made that sponge go smashin' through the dish rack an' just about took Granny's head off.

She swung her head to check on the dragon. For his part, Spike was wide-eyed and rooted to the spot.

Every time the Timberwolf swung gently toward him on its ropes, he flinched away in fear of a killing blow.

Applejack stared at him in wonder. Then she shook her head and decided these few seconds were best spent getting herself psyched up for her performance. She was convinced now that she could pull this off. If he's dun scared of that flimsy bundle a twigs, then how much less convincing could Ah possibly be? she thought logically. Now come on, girl, get in the act! This is for Spike's sake as well as yours. Ah'm no Sheepspearian actor, but that don't mean Ah don't have enough intuitive skill to create a true sense of danger! This here's supposed to be a mean brute that chases its prey down like a dog after a stick and rips its flesh off like Pinkie Pie eats cotton candy. With enough conviction, Ah should have no problem convincin' Spike that this mouthful of tinder is is an absolute beast. Okay, Applejack … time to shine!

With that, she trotted up to the creature that was supposed to be chasing her and stuck her hoof into a small pile of loose rocks. “Oh no! Ah seem to have got mah hoof caught in between two rocks. Ah cannot run away.” The inescapable predator responded to her peril by remaining stationary. “Ah am a damsel in distress,” she continued, driving her point home by grinning and punching the air with her hoof. Yep, an enthusiastic gesture and a winning smile will convince a pony of anything! Yer on a roll, girl. “Help me, Spike!”

Spike was now dancing about frantically and biting his claws. His knuckles were white.

The Timberwolf's mouth fell open. Its solid, but dull, jaws hung agape on a strong hinge with no crushing power. Realizing that the Everfree Forest's most dangerous hunter would need to appear more menacing and relentless, Applejack turned her head sideways and stuck it into the puppet's mouth. Now situated as easy prey, she looked at Spike. “Save me, Spike! Save me from the terrrr-ifyin' Timberwolf.”

“Applejack, get outta there!” Spike finally yelled, pointing a trembling claw at the beast whose head was meshed with hers.

“Uh, Ah can't, Spike. Y'all are gonna need t'come rescue me.”

Spike scrambled toward his friend, waving his arms and yelling. “Just pull your hoof out and run away!”

“Well, it's wedged in there purdy good, Spike. Maybe you c'n give it a good hard yank an' pull it out, yeah? Or scare off the Timberwolf, or whatever you think is the best way to save me.” Preparing to scream in agony, she continued, “Ah think Ah can already feel it chewin' on the top of mah head... Ahhhhhh.”

Spike grabbed her “trapped” foreleg as soon as he reached her. The sharp little claws that dug into her hide caused her more pain than the teeth of the beast that was supposed to be chowing on her. With valiant cry of effort, Spike hauled up on her leg.

Applejack was so bewildered by how completely ineffectual his efforts were that she didn't even have the presence of mind to pull her hoof up to make it look as though he was succeeding. By the time she thought of shaking the rocks loose on her own, she also realized that the delayed reaction would have given her away. Teeth gritted and eyes squeezed shut, Spike was accomplishing nothing where there was already nothing to accomplish. He ain't that weak, is he? she wondered. The pressure of his claws in her skin (not to mention his destruction of Rarity's plumbing earlier) had already proven that he didn't have a weak grip.

He stopped pulling. “Applejack, I can't do it! You're totally stuck!”

“Uhhh... oh, um, right. Have ya tried scarin' it off?” She extracted her head from the predator's supposedly inescapable jaws to give him a confident nod. “Try that, Ah'm sure it'll work.”

“It's a Timberwolf! It's not gonna be scared off by me! Look, uh...” His eyes darted around as he searched for an idea. Meanwhile, the Timberwolf closed its mouth waited patiently. “Okay, I think I got it.” He looked at her uneasily. “My teeth and jaw muscles can bite through rock...”

Applejack grinned. Finally, this was almost over with. “Great! Then you can just chew up these here rocks and—”

Spike latched his claws onto her leg again. “...So I'm gonna chew through your leg to save you!”

“Oh. Fine, whatever you thi— Wait, what!?”

The puppet's jaw fell back open in shock.

“You'll loose a leg, but at least you won't be eaten to death!” His grip on her foreleg tightened.

Applejack felt a small measure of dread twisting in her gut. Surely her own friend would never commit such violence against her when there were other options! “Uh … now just a moment, Ah'm sure there's another way to get me outta here, Spike. Ya just need t'think for a second longer, that's all.”

“There's no time to think, Applejack!” Spike cried, locking his desperate gaze with hers. “This is the only way! Lose your limb or lose your life! I am not going to let some predator chew you up!”

Trying to ignore the irony in that statement, Applejack responded, “H-Hang on, hang on, Ah think Ah can feel mah hoof comin' loose.” Unfortunately, the little dragon was clinging to her leg so fiercely that she couldn't raise said hoof anymore. Now he was the one who had it wedged in there. She felt sweat beading on her brow, this time from genuine panic.

“There is nothing I won't do to keep my friends safe, Applejack!” Spike cried.

Applejack grimaced. “Safe ain't the word that's comin' to mind right now.”

“It'll be quick and easy, surgically precise. If I can chew through gems, then ponies should be like pasta … or gummy worms!”

“Ah don't taste like neither of those things, Spike! Just ask Caramel!”

The Timberwolf was glancing between them like a spectator at a tennis match.

“And after I chew through the bone, I can blast the stump with fire to cauterize it!”

“Just take a minute and—”

“A minute!? YOU. ARE GOING. TO DIE! THERE IS NO TIME!”

“'Course there's enough time! Think'a somethin' else, please!”

Spike lifted his face to the heavens and screamed, “I'M SO SORRY, APPLEJACK!” Squeezing his eyes shut as if to avoid seeing the violence he was about to inflict, the little dragon lunged at her leg with his jaws wide open and his lips pulled back to expose predatory, gem-crunching teeth.

Applejack flung herself away with a scream, scattering the pile of rocks far and wide. She rapidly backpedaled on her hind legs while kicking her forelegs out with reckless abandon, deciding that a few unfortunate lumps on her friend's noggin was the lesser evil to the literal loss of a pound of flesh. She was a good fifteen feet away before her lungs had emptied. Deciding that a safe distance had been reached, the farmer lowered herself warily back onto all four hooves and peeled her eyes open.

Both Spike and the Timberwolf remained standing where she had left them. Spike had his arms folded, all traces of high-strung desperation gone, staring her down with a frown of disapproval.

“Uhhh, heh-heh … heh.” Applejack offered a sheepish grin while waiting for her heart to return to a normal tempo.

“See, Applejack,” he said, “that's acting.”