Ponying the Show

by Holographic

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3870

"Gaaahhh! My god WHY! How the he-hay do I grab cheerios!? F-fu-fetlocks! Ugh!" You should have just wished you were in Equestria instead...

"Gaaahhh! My god WHY! How the he-hay do I grab cheerios!? F-fu-fetlocks! Ugh!"

Can't speak with your natural tongue? Too bad. Not liking the hooves? That's a shame. But didn't you once wish you were a pony? Maybe you should have just wished you were in Equestria instead…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-15 05:10:03 UTC

Cynical Pony

Cynicism:

An inclination to be distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.

My little pony...

... my little pony...

Forever mine,

til the end of time,

The human chuckled as a madman would and munched on snacks like the greedy basturd he is. High upon his throne, served succulent foods on golden plates while quenching goblets of various liquids sat in back. With power of the highest degree, he was a king, fit to rule an entire kingdom with an iron fist. All shall fear and respect him... Or so his fantasized imagination told him.

In reality, from the lower perspective of his only, unwilling, servant however, the truthful analysis of the man's status is a little bit more pathetic.

Okay. A LOT more pathetic. The man was anything and everything that could be expected from a greedy king long gone spoiled. With the exception that he didn't have large surmounts of money or a kingdom.

Weight slowly gathered around the man's waist, but he wasn't truly fat... At least, not yet. Alongside his growing -roundness- he also was neglecting to completely shave the numerous patches of hair still lingering on his face and arms. Although, the arm fur might have been a natural occurrence, it doesn't change the fact that it attracts crap into its depths like a sponge in water.

At the end of this thing's limbs were what could barely be called fingers. The flesh was simply not visible anymore. It was just covered in the remains of its last meal. They disgustingly dug into a bowl of greasy chicken wings. Blobs of chicken sauce splattered over the carpet. A carpet a certain servant will have to clean up later.

"Where are you? Get over here." The man bellowed into the air. Some bacteria that were in the way must have died.

One inward sigh later and the unfortunate servant obediently dragged herself up to the man sitting in the leather chair, and waited close by for the inevitable order.

The fat man took one look at his little worker and another at his filthy hand.

A thought swiftly entered mind after seeing the hand, I really do hate my life. At least the food looked good...

This would be a good time as any to solidify the situation and introduce myself. Hi, I'm I hate my life. Nice to meet me. Likewise. How am I doing today? Fine, you know, just the usual stupid day today. That sounds lovely.

Now for real this time.

If you didn't figure it out yet, this story is going to be about one of these two characters. Both may have been thinking the same thing, but only one really has any reason to dislike their life. I'll give you two hints about which one I am. That first thought was me being sarcastic, because, yeah... I REALLY do enjoy working for fat men who ABSOLUTELY disgust me with their vulgar eating habits! And I thought the food kinda did look good... Before they got mauled by a putrid gaping hole!

Uh-huh. I am the servant. The laborer. The obedient worker. The maid. No one will be paying attention down here... But then again, the guy in the chair isn't much to look at either...

It's a sad fate that I am the unfortunate one to provide services to such a disgusting creature -but- at least I was not stuffing my face ten seconds ago...

The man, contemplating his hand, lowered it to my face. The gesture confused me.

"You know what to do. Clean it."

I huffed silently. I think I heard that wrong, because there is no way I'll do that.

"What was that master?" I put more contempt into the next set of words than I did for the last one, "You can't be serious. Tidy up yourself, cause that isn't apart of my deal."

"That was before."

"You agreed on it already."

"No need for towels, just clean it with your mouth-"

I snapped, "What! I'm not doing that!"

"Maidy..." He drew out. He wasn't speaking with the same tone he normally has as he says the next sentence, "I've been working long and hard on a project last night and I would kindy ask for you to do as I-"

"-your hand is disgusting and-"

"-Or I will throw that amulet out the window." The man growled.

That shut me up. I looked down at the thick chicken oils staining into the floor. The tantalizing thick liquids had a strong scent. I miss the taste of chicken...

I could tell he was glaring at me from his comfortable chair, even though I was trying my hardest to avoid contact with both the hand and his gaze. Unfortunately, the former wasn't avoidable.

"I'm waiting..." He pressed.

I shuddered at the humiliating thought of licking his hand like some pet.

Ugghh... I hate my life...

It's not that I want to. I just simply have no other option in the matter. If I had hands, this would be easier. If I had a towel I could clean him up much better. It's not like he specifically ordered me to do this with m-my mouth... I choose to. Really.

I involuntarily shuddered again. Not in fear, mind you, but in frustration at the degrading action I was about to commit.

I leaned forward, gingerly opening my mouth. Picking his index finger first, I wrapped my lips around the dirty digit and -uggghhhh- began to clean out the grease, crust, and bits of food that clung on the appendage with the tip of my tongue. At a steady pace, I licked it spotless. If there's anyone who thinks of this as anything other than a finger, then I will personally find you and do horrible things to you in your sleep...

It was sooo nasty! Conflicting flavors. A frightening degree of alienish shapes. Dozens of bits and flakey pieces that shouldn't go together combined to create a twisted ball of repugnance. And these horrid things were in my mouth all at once...

I did this four more times before the torture could finally stop. I held back the urge to vomit the contents of my stomach out as I forced the ball-shaped collection into the side of my cheek. Just need to get to the bathroom to empty my mouth of this awful, evil ball into the toilet. Then, I can bleach my oral orifices until I-

"Hold on." A voice sounded from behind me. I stopped.

I felt apprehension and dread.

"This time, I want you to swallow it."

Quickly turning around, I glared into his brown beady little eyes while I tried to answer with a no, "Muuhhoo."

"Well?" He inquired, either not understanding or not caring.

I kept the glare glued directly at his face when suddenly, a stupid smirk appeared on it.

He continued in an uncharacteristically cruel tone, "You know you can't disobey, or else..." He glanced across the room toward where my magic amulet, was hidden. He was not like this last week; he's blackmailing me this time! Maybe he's getting a change of character... Or showing his true one... I won't like this...

With an inward sigh, I dropped my eyes to the ground.

A small bulge sat in my throat badly asked for me to clear it since this started. I was hoping to get a nice drink of clean water when this was all over. Well... You get your wish little bulge.

I swallowed the food ball.

Sometimes I wish you were smart and could speak.

My, that would be a treat.

I like to play with deceit,

feed your heart until you weep.

*Blechhh*

I suppose second proper introductions are in order-

*Caugh caugh cuagh*

-hi, my name is-

*Humfp... Bleeegh!*

-I’m from the-

*BLAUAUAUAUauaaauuuuuauuuuu...*

-My passion in life is to-

*BLAUAUAUAUAUAAAUUUUUAUUUUU!!!!!

-But that's enough about me-

*Caugh caugh cuagh*

"How about you?"

The mirror reflection showed a being in a terrible state of condition. Lackluster teal mane spread wildly about. Grey-ish fur matted with sweat. Ears pointed downward. Eyes moist. The poor thing looked absolutely pathetic.

"Oh I’m quite fine really... I had a wonderful day. I visited some neighbors across town, they weren't friends of mine. Then I went to get groceries at the market, because I forgot I ran out of food two weeks ago. And finally I took a nice, long nap in the afternoon before- he found me. And then everything went downhill from there..."

The reflection made a moody face to accompany the 'he' part, before suddenly switching over to a different, decidedly happier expression.

"But ever so why? Why did it go downhill?"

It switched back to moody before speaking one word, "Because."

"Because why?"

"Because, because."

"Because, because why?"

"Because, because, because."

"Because, because, because why."

"Because, because, because, BECAUSE."

"Becau-"

And then the reflection, in the middle of a happy face, exploded into speech mid-word. The smile was no more, being replaced by angry contortions. Twisted into an agonized fury.

"BECAUSE I CAN'T LEAVE! NOT EVEN IF I WANTED TO LEAVE! EVERYDAY IT'S THE SAME DAMN THING! LITTLE TO NO VARIATION! NOTHING TO DO! AND NO ONE TO TALK TO! I HATE IT!!!!"

The reflection huffed in the after effects of stress. Seemingly calming down. No longer yelling. Or talking. Not smiling. Or frowning. Simply nothing.

The reflection stared at the mirror and the mirror stared back. Mentally and physically exhausted. Devoid of emotion. She had no emotions.

It's a good thing that I'm not her then... Ugh... I feel so tired after all that-

*Blechhh*

I barfed again into the bucket.

"Ugh... Yeah, that." The meat and whatever else was in there seriously didn't agree with my stomach, huh?

I grabbed the bucket holding last night's dinner, and the f-food b-ball, with my wing.

I looked back at the mirror again.

The sight was pitiful, with an off-grey coat itchy from sweat and a thick uncombed mane... And wings. Its kind didn't exist here on Earth, that much anyone would know is certain. But obviously something that anyone, who knew it for what it was, would know instantly. It's strange... All these happenings and even now... I still can't believe I'm see one in real life right now... I'm a little pegasus pony.

The mane was a mess. Should I even bother to brush it? I wonder... Nah.

I looked down the edge of the sink countertop. Carefully, without spilling any of the bucket's bile, I hopped off and on to the bathroom floor. Maybe I'll be able to get a break...

"Maidy! Get out here! Maidy!"

... Or not. I inwardly sighed.

Walking over to the toilet, I dumped all the contents of my bucket and struggled to press down on the toilet handle, taking as much time as possible. He yelled louder for me. Good for him, I'll be there in just a sec.

I toyed with the handle bar, figuring out how to activate it without using my more common means. I don't want to use my mouth for everything! Besides, that would be just gross in a bathroom. Especially THIS bathroom. I've heard and smelt him making his business once before. Then afterwards, atrocious odors would refuse to leave the bathroom for my much too sensitive nose. Not even if I tried to exorcise it with dozens of powerful scent removers.

I still can't understand how he doesn't clog up the toilet everytime... Maybe he throws shit out the window to 'fix' the problem... It would explain why there seems like more than one type of scream coming from the general direction of the bathroom...

"Where are you!"

I bent the pastern of my hoof over the handle bar. The sound of success greeted my ears as the bile-covered food ball flushed down the bowl, never to be seen again. Good riddance.

"MAIDY! Get out here now!" He was getting aggravated.

Ugh... I sighed again, this time allowing it to audibility carry over into the hallway.

I answered him, "I'm coming."

"Damn well you are!" He replied angrily.

I took my time, taking baby steps down the hall toward the living room, where he is undoubtedly having trouble opening a bag of chips. Fat idiot.

Before I reached the corner, I heard a deep gurgling laugh. What is that fat basturd chuckling about this time?

I took glance around the main living quarter of my landlard (See what I did there? I made a pun) and found him sitting on his computer chair working intently on something on the desk. He chuckled again. Is he on the internet again looking at cat pictures? Sigh.

Momentarily stopping, the human inclined his head upwards, "Maidy! Get over here now." The tone felt angry, but his smiling face obviously was not.

Oh... I feel nervous.

Very early on, I noticed some weird quirks from this guy. For him, there was no disconcernable difference between angered and excited. He might be attempting to 'bond' with his little pony by watching My Little Pony. Right, raising your voice against a small creature always puts them at ease... Or he could be screaming like a whale for any number of reasons. Both are equally unwelcome, because of the constant confusion between anger and excitement.

Such a weird human, he is.

"MAID-"

"Yes... I'm here." I decided to interrupt his whale speech.

He turned around, "Oh there you are! I've been looking for you."

You were yelling for me.

He hid something behind his back as he continued, "I have a little surprise for you."

I rolled my eyes. If the action was ignored or missed, I couldn't tell.

"Since you've been my nicest and most loyal servant, the one who unquestionably carries out my orders-"

I sneered. Can't tell if he heard it or not.

He did the speech as if nothing happened, "-and because you have worked for me for one full week of nonstop excellence. You deserve an award."

I stared at him, dumbstruck. An a-award? But, he's never done that before.. I didn't think him capable of it. Can it be true? Will I finally be able to get out of this hell? What will- The thought was cut off as number of things happened.

First, he pulled out the object he was hiding, giving a particular pony a full view. Said pony's already humongous eyes were widening to even more absurd sizes.

Second, he took advantage of the situation and petted the incapacitated little horse's head, something that would never happen under normal circumstances. A certain buck to the face wanted itself to be known badly.

And third, he stroked down the little neck of the small creature before him. Not even a disgusted reaction or instinctive yanking back came from the pony, before he said something in her ear, "Have fun with your new gift, sweetheart."

Then he simply left.

If you didn't figure it out yet, the pony, the little horse, and the small creature are all me. Unfortunately, my mind seemed to have died for the moment.

I don't exactly know what to say or do. Actually I don't if I even should be doing anything at all. Am I even thinking right now? Am I going to kill something? Am I angry? Upset? Sad? Horrified? I don't know. Just that my temples are throbbing painfully and both sets of legs were very tense.

Have fun with your new dress sweetheart, suddenly echoed in my head. A cute little heart followed. <3

Nnnggghh...

The shiver awoke me from that catatonic state. I glared at the 'gift' with open eyes.

It was a custom made black and white french maid's outfit. It even had those little boot things that could stretch all the way to top of your thighs. There were four of them. It also came with a hat thing too. And to top it all off, it had a saddle built into the back, the purpose of only god knows what. Uh, what that purpose was for was up for debate... I'm hoping it's just a decoration. Just a decoration and nothing else. Nothing else.

If I look closely, it does actually seem able to... What if he is actually planning to ride me-

OH god! Aggghhhh! Why! *Why!?** Bad thoughts! Very, very bad thoughts!* The degrading image of him sitting on my aching back as I did his chores, burned into my vision. There is no way in hell am I becoming a pack mule! NO!

I exploded with rage and ran at the "gift" intent on destroying it right then.

I managed to bite one incisor on it, before a shadow befell me.

The fat basturd was there, right behind where I was standing.

The dress was in the way, so I couldn't see him. I choked back a gulp.

"Oh good! You liked it!"

Huh? I risked letting go of the black and white monstrosity to look at his face. A surprisingly apologetic face.

"I'm sorry I made you eat that thing earlier, but I was tired and grumpy and couldn't think straight. It was the only way I could think of to get you out so that I could prepare the dress." He added again, "I'm sorry."

He looked at me with downtrodden eyes. Eyes that were even more pathetic than my reflection's eyes in the bathroom earlier. His form was slumped and sitting so that we were at eye level. He looked smaller. He was not fat like I would say he is, all I'm really doing is just trying to undermine him as much as possible. No, this time he looked so down in the dump that his body must have retracted into itself and instead I saw a frail little being.

Then I took notice of his words. Tired? Prepare dress? It hit me harder than his sudden depressed state. He was working on this gift all of last night! That must have been, what? A full 12 hours of non-stop work shut in his room? I just though he went into a coma after going to one of his parties. This is what he was working on? Well... I guess that was nice...

I looked back at the "gift" in question. It was actually pretty good. No over cut or undercut edges. Standing on it, it felt like it had a good quality material. It far surpasses any manufactured product and would even impress a certain unicorn fashionist. How did he make this thing...?

I walked up to him and he glanced up at me. I leaned back so I could sit on my haunches and make myself a few inches taller. He looked at me curiously, and I bought my hoofs up to rest on his shoulders. He leaned slightly forward to get closer and tilted his head lightly to the side, eyes closed. I stared at this while I advanced my hooves to both sides of his head, then I bent my head back... and rammed my skull into the asshole's face.

*CRUNCH*

Blood seeped between my eyes as he fell on his back, struggling on the ground with his hands in his face. I felt a dull pain on my brow.

"MY NOSE!! OH GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"

Feeling woozy, I traced the flow of blood running down my face with a hoof. A bruise was -ouch- on my forehead, the source of blood wasn't mine. Good.

I shook my head, trying to get rid of the disorientation and waited for him to him to recover. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere without my amulet anyways.

"Oh god... Ahhh..."

"Suck it up, you fat crying adult baby."

"I was just trying to be nice to you damn it!"

"By making me puke my guts out in the bathroom!"

"I said I was sorry..."

"Sorry won't help the fact that I won't be able to eat tonight because of you."

"It wasn't my best plan, alright..."

"You can make it up by giving me my amulet back."

"N-no..."

"Just give it to me and I'll forgive you."

"N-no..."

"If you don't, then I will hit you again." I threatened, waving a hoof above his face.

"N-no..." He groaned again.

This made me groan out loud in frustration, “Ugh. Fine. How about we-"

The human shifted faster than I thought him capable of. He was immediately above me in milliseconds, grabbed me by the tail, and dangling me above the now very far away living room ground. I squeaked in response.

Oh my...

Something of this position reminded me of a very traumatic event just one week ago. I shivered in fear at the now dominating figure. If he choose to hurt me like I did him... Well... My survival rates aren't looking too good... Or my bladder control rates...

His nose apparently stopped bleeding, but it wasn't the gory mess I was hoping for.

Surprisingly, he pressed his nose against mine. What?! Shouldn't that hurt?! Shouldn't he be in pain?! I pressed my muzzle forward to test him. The human flinched, but didn't back away. Instead he merely chuckled at the action, causing me to discontinue the inadvertent nuzzling. I reddened in embarrassment and of the growing stress of fear.

He said, "Let’s ignore what happened in favor of discussing your future." I don't like the sound of that.

Please don't hurt me, I begged. The thought of him throwing my small frame across the room seemed to be a possibility.

I struggled in vain as he continued "Because you have completed one full week, I will allow you to work for me another full week, then I'll let you off the hook, you get your trinket, and you may leave my property forever."

I halted my attempts to escape his grip. What? Did he just say...?

"A-are you... Are you t-telling me that...? I-is this really..." I found my voice, "Are you being s-serious. No jokes?"

"..."

"Are you!?"

He lowered me to the ground, setting me on my shaky legs, before answering, "Yes." There was a sadness to him that confirmed the answer more than the answer itself.

Really? I looked at his face again. Confirmed. Ohhhh mannn that made me happy. I looked one more time at his sorry face. Total despair! Ha! Why was he angry? Because he just lost his number one and only servant and he knows it! HA!

What if he decides to change his mind? Not gonna happen, or I'll buck him in the nose next time! Serves you right! Y-yeah! Whoo! Whoo! This is making me soooo happy! Am I smiling? I KNOW I'm smiling! If I could I might be able to see myself in the bathroom mirror, but I just can't. Stop. Shivering.

Can it get any better?!

"But you will have to wear the french maid outfit."

I barfed again into the carpet floor. Whether it was from the recent food poisoning, stresses of fear, the joy of promised freedom, or that last statement, I don't know.

Before falling into a coma, I heard faint voices...