Antics of a Ponified weird gamer
You know, Life can be a complete Bitch sometimes, Especially when it comes down to let's plays, I have no idea whatsoever, how Master Belch's Area in EarthBound can be so difficult, surely, I had already beaten the game 25 times over, but, hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles, speaking of cookies, I'm hungry, I need a cookie. "And that wraps up this episode of accomplishing absolutely nothing" I say, to my microphone, pressing the stop button on my recorder. I load up skype, I can't believe I didn't get skype earlier, it is much better than Steam Voice chat, speaking of which, I wonder if they've improved it, anyway, that's getting off topic, While waiting for my friends to respond, I go downstairs to raid the biscuit supply once again. I check in the cupboard, seeing only an empty wrapper. Oh, Fuck, looks like I ate them all I think to myself, Hmm, Maltesers? Wait no, I ate them too. I check in the fridge anyway, and I re-realized, (If that's even a word) that I had bought multiple packs of chocolate yesterday, Oh thank the God which is totally non existent, I Have bought chocolate I sigh in relief. I rush back up stairs with chocolate in tow, which isn't very fast, mind you, Despite me being the skinniest person I knew, I was also the slowest, figure that one out, much to my surprise, I had noticed that the Skype call had only just started, with the timer saying something along the lines of 00:03
I put on my headset again and begin my discussions, which normally last for over 3 hours. "Hello!" I discussed.
"Hey, What are you ringing me at 3am for?" My friend questioned.
"It's 3am? I didn't notice! Sorry Bradley! I guess that's what I get for eating three boxes of maltesers that time, isn't it?"
"Screw you too, Let me go back to sleep Jacob, I've got Rugby later today." Bradley deadpanned.
I sigh, "Fine... If you really want to do a sport which I care nothing about, then fine, Before you do, let's play Yugioh."
"You have a very, very weird mind."
"Yes, I set water on fire, what did you expect?"
"For you to actually be sensible for once."
"Oh, I do that sometimes, only when I'm sufficiently pissed off though..." I ramble.
"Are you going to keep going on about stupid things or are we going to duel?"
"I thought you were going to go back to sleep."
"Fuck you too"
We laughed for about 1 minute and 23 seconds, and then We logged onto Dueling Network.
"Remember, the password is the same as it's always been." Bradley says
"I'm surprised you haven't said the obvious thing that you do say and say what the password is, maybe it's because I have the feeling that someone is watching us, and before you ask, no I'm not recording, and why would you be at 3am?"
"What...The...Hell?"
"Your mother"
"Shut up."
"No, I'm pretty much the master of not shutting up."
"What about when you're pissed off?"
"Your Mother's A Pissed Off."
"That makes no sense!"
"That's exactly what I'm good at!" I smile to myself, "Hey, I just realized, It's my birthday tomorrow!" I excitedly said.
We had started the duel at this point
"How could of you forgot?"
"A wizard did it" I joked.
"Which Wizard?"
The Wizard that's a wizard."
"Well that's descriptive, Thanks Jacob" Bradley Deadpanned
"No Problem!" I ended my turn with a strategic play of setting Needle Wall, Mirror Force, my monster was a set Mask Of Darkness, it was my only monster card, much to my dismay, I could of needed that for Mirror Force.
I hear him muttering something about getting Fusion Gate. He then proceeded to play one of his Gem Knight monsters. He didn't attack.
"I'm not attacking, I know your tricks, I bet that's wall of Illusion"
I then flipped Needle Wall.
"HAHA!" I shouted. I quickly loaded up another tab and got up the TF2 domination music.
"That wasn't even a significant achievement." He then proceeded to play Mystical Space Typhoon. I played mine from my hand afterwards. "Ach, Fuck you" Bradley continued.
The duel raged on for about an hour.
I had 100 Life Points left, he was on 4400.
"This is not looking good." I mutter.
On my field, I had Needle Wall, Heart of the Underdog and Ectoplasmer active, with Magic Cylinder face down and a Wall of Illusion set in defence mode.
He had Destiny Hero Defender on his field, along with 2 face downs.
He ended.
"Crap, 50 Life Points left." I said.
"What, Why?" Bradley asked. "Oh wait, Ectoplasmer, Fuck Ectoplasmer"
He discarded his Destiny Hero, and I lost 50 LP.
I drew what could possibly be my luckiest draw, I drew Prometheus King of the Shadows, I had a metric Fuckton of Dark Monsters in my grave.
"TIME FOR UTTER DOMINATION!" I screamed.
I played my key card, removed around 20 dark monsters from play, boosting my monster to 9200 Attack points.
"Oh shit." Bradley said.
"ATTACK, FOR THE PEOPLE OF THE LAND WHERE THESE PEOPLE COME FROM!" I continued to scream.
He flipped his own Magic Cylinder. "DUST TORNADO BITCH!" I shouted in utter joy, as I flipped my Dust Tornado.
"Good Game" Bradley said.
"Yeah, GG, Now then, off to watching random youtube videos. Or recording."
"Good, now I can get back to sleep."
"We should of recorded that."
"Yeah, we should of."
"Either that, or it's being noted in a really crappy fanfiction." I smirked.
"What's that meant to mean?"
"Oh, wait, there goes the forth wall."
"What forth wall?"
"You'll see."
Bradley sighed, he ended the call and probably went back to sleep.
Let's see... what to watch? I pondered. I ultimately decided on Marathoning the first season of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, Seriously though, I'm not even sure how I even became a brony anymore, all I know is that I was bored, decided to watch a few subscription videos, one made a top 10 pony list, and bam, the rest was history. Except it wasn't in any history books. Fucking History books.
9 Hours Later...
Well, that was entertaining, again, how many times have I marathoned this season, 42 was it?
Wow, 1Pm already. While walking back downstairs to get yet more chocolate, I noticed an object on the floor. "So that's where my spare Broken Fork Head went, I was looking for that." I said aloud, to nobody.
I got out my box that I spare my random shit in, and placed it back in, along with memorable favourites, such as the Volkswagon Symbol, The Dentist Mirror, and the Rayman Rabing Rabbit in a Kangaroo Figure.
What can I do for the rest of the day? I thought. Maybe more Skype calls?
So I looked through my contact list. Offline, Away, Offline, Do Not Disturb, Offline, Offline, Offline, Beating up a Bear, Wait What? Beating up a bear? I didn't know Skype had a custom away feature. And I don't even know anyone that beats up Bears. Oh Good, Bradley came online, Time to do something really Stupid.
I typed out onto the skype chat a series of increasingly ridiculous messages
hashbrowns
hashtag
/-/45/-/ +4g
Hydrogen, Arsenic, Hydrogen, Tantalum, Silver
http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=6921989
All I got in return was a WTF, followed by some text laughter. And then he Skype called me.
"So... How was Rugby?" I asked.
"Alright"
"I bet you're thinking how 'funny' it would be if I played Rugby."
"No, Really?" He sarcastically responded.
"I would probably get all my bones crushed, thrice."
"You are a special type of retarded."
"I know, now then, Terraria?"
"No, I'm playing Minecraft."
"Making a retarded rainbow again?"
"What? What gave you that idea?"
"The fact you were making one yesterday."
"You're mom's a yesterday."
"Stop stealing my joke, because that's obviously a thing."
"Always."
Shenanigans ensued for another 5 hours. I'm not really sure what I was thinking, deciding to try and Play Terraria at the same time as Papers Please, considering my crappy laptop. Also, something about a radioactive duck, I'm not really sure.
"You know, now that I think about it, I could probably make a time machine out of my random crap I have." I wondered aloud
"Yeah, you probably can, coming from the same person who set water on fire."
"Yeah Yeah, now get your ass over to my house to test this piece of shit."
"No."
"Why? Haven't you noticed that I may or may not of put a teleporter in your house?"
"How the fuck would of you managed that?"
"A wizard did it."
"FUCK THE WIZARD!"
I heard a bunch of gibberish, to a normal person, that would be totally inconrehensible. To me, I could make out the words "How? You...fucking...shitty...piece of...shit..."
"By the way there is no teleporter."
"Yes there is."
"Wait what? How did you see through my obvious lie?"
"Because there is a teleporter shaped like a fish here."
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"It would surprise me if it didn't seem like a good idea to you."
I had no response to that, considering the truth behind it.
10 Minutes Later...
"THIS THING IS FAULTY!" Bradley shouted.
"How's that then?"
"Jacob, you tit, this thing just shoots sardines!"
"Not my fault."
"Yes it is."
"No."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"No."
"Aha, so it wasn't my fault!"
"Wait how... Argh, you Tit!"
"How do you keep falling for that?"
Later, again,
It's 11pm and no sign of the tit. I think to myself. When suddenly, THERE IS A SOUND! Damn doors, why can't this be like any video game where you can just invite yourself into people's houses? I shrug at that thought.
I open the door to see Bradley, giving a motion for a high five, instead, just to be awkward, I poked his hand, as opposed to giving him a high five.
"So...Why do you even want me here again?" Bradley Asks.
"To test the fucking time machine I made." I respond.
"The Teleporter shot fucking sardines, and you expect a Time Machine to work?"
"Trust me."
"NO! I'M NOT TRUSTING YOU, THE TELEPORTER SHOT SARDINES YOU SPAZZ!"
"Fine don't trust me, and I get super awesome stuff from the future."
"You are the worst briber ever."
"How was that meant to be a bribe?" I question.
"Fuck you, that's why, besides, if you want to use that time machine, save it for tomorrow, just point me towards the spare bed, and I'll go to sleep."
Ok, tomorrow is only 53 minutes away... "Yeah, Ok, tomorrow, It'll be an amazetastic birthday present!"
"Is that even a word?"
"Fuck if I know! Probably isn't, I just like making up words."
And so I pointed Bradley towards the Spare Bed, and I just was sat at a table, trying to perfect the time machine, using the Volkswagon symbol as the central power button. The makeshift clock on the time machine, that being a green pencil crayon, that somehow worked, struck midnight, I double checked an actual clock, and it was, midnight. So I decided to go upstairs to wake up Bradley.
"WAKE UP TIT!" I shouted, and that's when I learned that Bradley is a heavy sleeper, nearly. "I SAID WAKE UP!" "IT'S THE 29th OF DECEMBEBR!"
He still didn't wake up, so I decided to distract myself with Team Fortress 2 until he woke up. Needless to say, Team Fortress 2 is still, just as addicting as it always was, sucking out 2 and a half hours of my life. That's when I decided I've been playing for way too long, and closed the game.They don't need an 8th Spy, Spy team is way too much.
I quickly thought of another way to attempt to wake my friend up. I loaded up the TF2 Domination Music on the closest thing I could find with access to music. I put the volume as loud as possible, clicked Play, and bam, he woke up.
"YOU SPAZ!" He shouted at me immediately,
"How am I a spaz, you spaz!"
"You woke me up by blasting off my ears!"
"At the speed of light?"
"Pretty Much!"
"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"
"You are way too obsessed with Pokemon..."
"What? Did the Pokémon T-Shirt not give it away?"
"Spaz"
I sighed, I left him to do his own business for a bit, by a bit, I mean 10 minutes. and then I immediately barged in to the makeshift room. "Hey, guess what." "It's 1 minute and 31 seconds until the exact time I was born, wait, make that 24 seconds...23...22...21" I continued.
"I get the point!" Bradley shouted.
"let's use my time machine the exact time that the clock strikes 2:43!"
"Are you sure it won't fire clocks at us? Or worse yet, whatever you modeled it after."
"I'm pretty sure it won't fire Volkswagons at us"
"You used that Volkswagon symbol, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Spaz"
"Oh boy, 30 seconds!" I enthusiastically said
Later, after 25 seconds...
"5...4...3...2..." I said, when suddenly, my vision goes a bit hazy, I go to lie down onto my bed, when my vision gets hazier, and then, I black out.
I woke up sometime afterwards.
"Looks like you blacked out." Bradley said
"I wasn't even playing Pokémon."
"No really, you kind of fainted for 5 minutes."
"Huh. Ok then."
"I blame those sleepless nights you did last week."
"Fuck no, I can wake up after 1 hour sleep and feel completely refreshed."
"You are very weird."
"I know." I deadpan, "On a side note, you may want to take a shower, incase showers are outlawed in the future." I continue
"What drugs are you on?"
"Caffeine."
"Fair enough. Right, I'll follow your demented advice and take a shower"
I decided to take a shower aswell, just because of my insane troll advice, what if showers were outlawed in the future. Before I got into the second shower that was in the house, the side of my legs got infuriatingly itchy, I ignored it for the time being. That is until I actually got into the shower. in the corner of my eye, I see something that should most definitely not be there.
Yeah sure, I find the Brony community amazing at times, but I do not remember getting a tattoo of a particular best pony's cutie mark, for the unaware, Pinkie Pie is obviously best pony. But I digress, having a pony's cutie mark makes no sense, but this seems a little more... Real than the everyday tattoo, no smudges, no imperfections. Nothing that would make it seem like a tattoo, and if Bradley was right, and I only did black out for 5 minutes, there's no way he could of gotten my unconscious body to a tattoo palor, I didn't even know of any that were nearby! That rules out that possibility, then again, anything is possible considering my group of friends.
I groan, as I shorten my usual short showers to an even shorter length, just because I need to question that spaz to see if he had anything to do on the matter. Turns out that Bradley had already finished his shower, turns out I spent longer than I thought gawking at the impossible.
"Hey Bradley, when was the last time you did any 'creative work' so to speak?" I ask, with emphasis on the creative work.
"Ummm... I don't know, a month ago?"
Very suspicious I slowly nod my head in suspicion. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes, you spaz"
"Fine, Fine, then explain this then." I groaned, as I turned around a bit, and slowly pushed down the side of my pants to show him the Cutie Mark that shouldn't be there in the first place.
I saw him laugh.
"Oh that's rich Jacob, I know you like Ponies, but did you really have to get a tattoo?" He laughed even harder.
"It wasn't me, Dumbass, it just appeared, I noticed it shortly before I took a shower!"
"Um.... A wizard did it?"
"Don't use my jokes, that's why they're my jokes, because I use them, anyway, we're getting off topic, why the hell has this appeared out of nowhere?"
"Don't ask me."
"What, are you not a tattoo-ologist?" I questioned, I continued by saying, "Anyway, that's besides the point, The future awaits us!"
"Why is that exactly?"
"Because UFO Commander is going to take us to the future."
"What?"
"Don't tell me you've not watched Jesse Cox's videos!"
I heard a groan escaping Bradley's mouth. Looks like someone isn't pleased. Well, obviously of course.
We head back into the gaming room, which just so happened to also be where my bed is, just because I'm lazy. And approach the Time Machine monstrosity thing.
"And now we set the time we want to go to..." I mention.
"And then you press that Volkswagon symbol?"
"Yep, and then, BAM! FUTURE CITY!"
"So... what time period are we going to?"
"I'm not sure, just a sec, just let me change my status on every website to 'Going to the future'"
"Do you honestly expect anyone to believe you?"
"Yes."
"Spaz"
"Anyway, Let's get ready to rumble!" I shout, as I press the shiny Volkswagon symbol, and we are enveloped in a white electrical light.
The next thing we know, we are in my room, only looking like it's from the future. And I check the date and...
"Holy crap, It actually worked, I didn't expect it to work...Precisely..." I say
"SO YOU MADE A RISK, THAT COULD OF GOTTEN EATEN BY DINOSAURS? BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD FULLY WORK?"
"Yeah, how do you think I was going to test it? Leave one of my best friends behind to go on my own amazetastic adventure?"
"Good point, I suppose, you still could of gotten us killed, and besides, how did you even get us to move fast enough, at a mass-less pace anyway?"
"Achievement in ignorance." I sheepishly smile