Jury Duty

by Estee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1202

It's one of the highest services a pony can aspire to. Some ponies shouldn't aspire that high.

It's one of the highest services a pony can aspire to.

Some ponies shouldn't aspire that high.

Audiobook performance by ObabScribbler.

(Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages.)

Published 2013-05-11 17:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-11 17:10:02 UTC

Selection

"Please state your name."

"Twilight Sparkle."

"Your profession?"

"Well, I'm a graduate student performing extended research while on a grant. I'm also the town librarian for Ponyville."

"Very good. Now --"

"Oh, and I conduct intermittent scientific studies on precognition in my basement, which is really separate from the main research. Plus I have to head the Wrapping Up of Winter every year. Also, I'm raising a dragon as both a personal and a professional thing because I really want to publish a book about it some day. And there's the Element I bear when the Princess calls me, I've done some ambassador duties to the Empire, I was sort of in charge of helping them get the Games for a while -- can I have a minute? I should really just write you out a list."

"...Miss Sparkle -- are you certain you can take -- time away from all that to serve on this jury?"

"Of course I can! I'm very organized! Here, I'll show you..."

"Your name, please."

"...Fluttershy."

"I'm sorry, but the court stenographer didn't catch that. Again for the record?"

"...I'm Fluttershy."

"Miss, nopony heard that. One more time, please?"

"...eep!"

"Ah want t' make sure Ah've got this right. So once this thing gets started, the one at that table is gonna be sayin' his client is innocent, never did anythin', and we've got t' let him go. Right? And you, you're gonna be telling us that the very same pony did everythin', needs t' be punished, and we've got t' be the ones who say so. That's the way it's gonna work?"

"Yes, that's basically it..."

"Well, fine. Let's just save some time, then! Just tell us right now which one of y'all is the lying bastard, and we can all go home!"

"...and there's really no point to picking the alternates after testimony concludes, is there? It's like studying for a test that nopony actually gives you: it's nice to have the knowledge, but was there really a point? So I thought we could just figure out who they were at the very start. And drawing them randomly? That's just silly! I was thinking we could have -- a test. An intelligence test! Something which would show how much they knew about the law, and clearly I would pass because I spent hours studying after I got my summons. Now I'm thinking we should go with essays for the first round..."

"Now, Miss Dash, do you know anypony in the courtroom today?"

"Sure do! Right over there at that big table! Hey, over here! Remember me? I was at your show! And your other show, and your other show, and I'm going to be working with you one day! Just wait and see!"

"...Miss Dash -- you know the defendant?"

"Well, who doesn't? He's only a Wonderbolt. Come on -- who doesn't know every last Wonderbolt there ever was! -- you're not one of those ponies who doesn't have them all memorized, are you?"

"Ah. But you don't know him personally."

"Well -- not really. Not yet. All I know is that he's one of the coolest ponies ever and if he's on trial for assault, then the other pony? Totally deserved it. That's what the evidence is gonna say and that's how I'm gonna rule. And that's my sworn duty as a juror, right? To go with the evidence? He is self-evidently cool. Good thing you've got me: he needs a jury of his peers, and I? Am as close as anypony here is going to get. By the way, do we get nap breaks?"

"...and darling, I don't know how you expect me to take your client seriously. You want him to dress to impress! He has to radiate that air of innocence, every fiber of his very being must be screaming 'I am a pure stallion, victimized by the cruelty of an uncaring world which does not understand what truly happened!' And you? Have put him in pinstriped black. Really, the only way he could possibly look like more of a villain was if you had him sitting there prying stones out of his hooves with the bloody knife you're still going to tell me he didn't use. I want to keep an open mind, of course, but here you've already gone and told us how it all happened before the trial even begins! I don't read a novel from the back of the book! Didn't anypony in law school ever teach you about calming hues?"

"Please raise your right front hoof to take the juror's oath. I, insert name here."

"I, insert name here. Oh, that's funny! I should try that out for a day or two! 'Hi, I'm Insert Name Here!' I wonder if ponies would call me that or if they would actually insert a name on the spot! What do you think they would name me? If they didn't know me at all, otherwise they might just say something like 'Pinkie, you're being random again,' except that I just planned this out right now so that's really kind of unfair."

"Miss Pie..."

"Say, you know some ponies say names are destiny? You know, like how somepony will name her filly with something that includes a reference to an occupation and then that pony gets a cutie mark for the job? What kind of cutie mark do you think Insert Name Here would have? I bet it's a blank form! You'd be really good at filling them out! Or writing them up. Maybe in triplicate. Wow, that's boring. When I have a foal of my own someday, Insert Name Here? Is not going to be on the short list."

"Miss Pie."

"Or maybe -- maybe he'd be a unicorn -- yeah, that's definitely a colt's name -- and he'd wind up with the magic power to insert a new name on any pony! And maybe their cutie mark would even change with it! Oh, that's -- bad. Really bad. Trust me, that's horrible. Okay, still off the short list. So where were we? Oh, right! I, Insert Name Here, do solemnly swear -- can I say 'buck' here? And how do I do it solemnly?"

"Miss Pie!"

"...plus the jury box is just so badly designed! I mean, would you look at this? Two rows of eight benches? Now if we assume you wanted the benches to be a little uncomfortable so we'd all stay alert during the trial, you still have to account for the sheer number of times we'll file in and out during extended sidebars and all the standard breaks. Two groups of eight ponies going down two rows is just inefficient. Now if you'll look at this chart which I'm calling Exhibit A for practice, you'll see where I've drawn up a sketch showing four rows of four seats. Much more effective. Now naturally, any pegasi on the jury can have the top row, with their flying in saving still more time..."

"So -- did anypony get a trial?"

"Naw."

"No, dear."

"Nokily-dokily!"

"No! Because all the attorneys were so lame!"

"...no."

"Huh. Weird."