What You Know

         "Ughh, I'm burnt out." You say to no one in particular, and it was the truth after all. Honestly, your hand, good porn and some Kleenex were all you really needed. You look around your room and feel as if something was off. It felt almost distant, then suddenly you hear an alarm. Your alarm to be exact. You slowly open your eyes, and realize that it was a dream. A dream of your old life. You probably should feel terrible about it, but that’s all behind you now, and besides, you had a new life in Equestria.

   Of course your initial reaction of appearing in Equestria was fear, but over the four months you spent here everypony had gotten fairly acquainted with you. Twilight had convinced everypony, including the Royal Sisters, that you were not a threat. What probably convinced them the most was the fact that you arrived in Equestria out of thin air in the center of ponyville during the middle of the night, and somehow managed to break some bone in your ass. That, and you had no wings or magical abilities, sadly.

   So here you are in a land full of magical crayon-colored ponies that are too happy and carefree for their own good, and yet you would still sometimes wonder if you were actually somewhere in a padded room wrapped in a straitjacket, mumbling to yourself what the definition of insanity was.

   You finally muster up the willpower to get the hell off your bed, and you glance over towards your alarm clock. It reads 7:05 AM in bright red numbers.

  "I better hurry, or I won't hear the end of it from Applejack," You mutter to yourself. You enter the shower and think about what you are going to do today. First, go to work at Sweet Apple Acres, then pick up some groceries from the market, finally you had to clean up the house and make it, and yourself, presentable for whoever this mare was that was going to be sharing this place with you. It wasn't even fully your house anyway. The Equestrian government had arranged a room for you in this nice little two story house.

    Apparently it was for ponies who needed to get back on their hooves. They still needed to have a job in order to live there which is why it was cheap, however when they heard that some strange alien guy, who wasn’t even from their world, was going to room with them you can only imagine how fast they cleared out. But hey, that leaves four rooms for you, and now you can walk around the house with your junk swinging freely and your ass, which still has a mark, showing.

After you shower, you open up your wardrobe and think that it was a blessing that Rarity had even considered making you clothing, much less a full wardrobe. Of course, being the Element of Generosity she asked for nothing in return, and said that she was just honored to be the first to design clothes for your kind. Today you threw on a plain black T-shirt, and some jeans. Simple, yet clean. You headed down stairs and served yourself some waffles with hash browns, and damn they were the shit. You still weren't quite accustomed to the Equestrian diet, but now you had to admit, added with working on the orchards all day, your muscles had become sculpted, and you looked damn good enough to eat off of. At least, you think you do.

After breakfast is done, you start on your walk to Sweet Apple Acres. Its a perfect day in ponyville. The sun is shining, and there is a refreshing breeze as everypony greets you on your walk. Nothing is wrong and Twilight and her friends aren't throwing ponyville into some chaotic problem that seems to happen about every few weeks.

"Hey!" Somepony calls, using your name.

   You swivel around to see Roseluck, one of your first and good friends that you had made in ponyville. When she first saw you, she ran away causing other ponies to panic and scream, 'Ahhh look at that thing with no fur, coat or hooves! The horror!'

For a pony, you had to admit she had nice curves and definitely wasn't lacking in the front or back. In fact, a lot of these mares looked good, unlike on earth and all of them seemed to be fit. She was wearing a plain, white, one strap dress and some blue capris.

"Uhhm..."

Shit, you were staring now, and you quickly snapped out of your perverted trance.

"Oh hi, sorry I was just lost in thought."

"About what?"

"I'm supposed to be getting a roommate today."

"Really? Because it looked like you were looking at my body." Your face immediately flushes at this.

"I was not!"

"Yeah, ok." She answers in a sarcastic tone. "Anyway, in honor of recent profit spikes for my flower shop, I thought we could celebrate at Sugarcube Corner with some cake."

"I haven't actually been around Sugarcube Corner yet."

“Are you serious you've been here for four months now, and still haven't visited that place?"

"Nope." You simply reply.

"Well, I will meet you there at 7:30. Oh!! Bon Bon will also be there."

"Ok, well, I better get going now."

"Alright, later!"

"Later."

You continue on your way to Sweet Apple Acres, and reach it within ten minutes.

"Howdy there …," Applejack says using your name.

"Hey AJ!"

Applejack was wearing a checkered red and green button shirt, some cowpony boots and blue denim pants. Applejack was one of your favorites out of all the girls. She had a good, hard working nature, and being the Element of Honesty you knew you could always count on her.

"So how yah feelin'?"

"Ready to get shit done."

"Haha. Alright then, let’s get to work."

   After work, it was 6:20 so you still had time to buy some groceries. You head towards the market and wonder what your roommate would be like. Maybe she would be a nice mare with a great body and fun to be around, or what if she’s a stuck up fancy snob who thinks that she is all that. Wait. You haven't met her before, or even heard anything about her. What if she’s a deranged maniac who keeps her victim's severed heads in a box. Well nevermind that now, you had some adventures of your own to do in grocery shopping.

   First, some cereal, next a loaf of bread, after that a carton of eggs and some milk. Wow, this is just too exciting. Sure hope you don't have a heart attack from all of this adrenaline-inducing activity.

During your stops at various shops designated for selling only a specific item, which in your opinion was a hassle and only served to take up more energy, which you needed for stuff. Stuff that actually required energy, but you made idle chit-chat with the ponies at shops and heard a bit of interesting gossip around ponyville. Apparently, Big Macintosh was gay because he was seen giving his cousin Braeburn a hug that lasted a few seconds longer than most guys hug.

   It amazes you how easily these ponies are interested in everything. All you said to Lemondrop was you were getting a roommate today and all of a sudden, everyone is congratulating you on getting a marefriend. Sadly though, they were wrong. So you just gradually let everypony know that she was just a roommate.

Your next stop was a floss shop. Yes, a floss shop. You decide not to question these ponies and their logic, because this was nothing compared to all of Equestria's other oddities. You learned not to question it a long ass time ago, after you found out pegasi control the weather and cause storms on purpose. This was your first time visiting this shop, because when those ponies had cleared out, they had left a lot of soap, toothpaste and floss. As a result, you had only run out three days ago. You had never paid attention to this shop, but you did notice that the shop owner gave you some funny looks when he thought you weren't looking.

"What can I do for you?" The stallion asks. His tone deceives his words, and he sounds a bit resentful. He had a brown coat and silver eyes with a reddish brown mane.

"Hmmmmm. I don't know what to get. Probably some floss if you have that," you joke.

"Har Har. What flavor do you want it?"

Flavors? All you expected was plain mint, but what the hell? Why not see what they have, you wonder.

"Well, what flavors ya got?"

He goes on in a somewhat bored tone, "Plain, mint, pomegranate, orange, grape, watermelon, strawberry, guava, kiwi, mango, lemon, cotton candy, apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry, cherry, ketchup, may-"

How long was this guy gonna go on? Trying to remember all the options was making your head hurt. Ketchup flavored floss? What the hell?

"I think I’ll just go with two boxes of mint."

"That will be 14 bits."

Was this guy out of his mind? Other ponies had bought two boxes of floss for two bits. This guy was either having a bad day, or had something against you.

"14 bits, that's a little pricey don't you think?" You remark.

"I didn't open this shop to bargain with some alien."

"Everypony else bought you're floss for one bit per box!"

"Yeah, well you aren't everypony else, you aren't even a pony!"

"Why do I have to pay more!"

"I have had it with you! Get your ass away from my shop before I report you to the guards! You should be grateful we ponies let you live on our land and give you a place to stay. I'd say you owe us!"

This guy was a real asshole. Oh, how you wish you had a Big Daddy suit so you could drill a hole right through his fucking chest. You decided it wasn't worth it, so you simply turn your back to him while he continues his rant, but not without pointing your tallest finger in his direction.

   You would have considered this one of your harder days of work, but luckily the spring breeze was there to keep you from falling over from heat exhaustion. It was almost 7: 15 and your shirt clung to your back. You figured you would shower later. After all, your roommate was supposed to be coming from snooty Canterlot at about 9:05. The sun was setting in a beautiful spectrum of pinks, reds, purples and oranges. You had all your bags of groceries hanging on both arms as you continued to Sugarcube Corner. A cool breeze traveled down your back and ponies were closing their stands.

"Oommph!"

   You fly forward face down to the ground and your bags are scatter across the ground. Your eggs and milk were scattered and spilled, but you probably shouldn't be worrying about that now. As you turn your attention above you, you recognize those cold gray eyes and that red mane. It was that fucking shop owner, and he could make anal beads out of his gay little floss and shove them up his ass for all you care. He was well built, so taking him on was a huge risk, plus he had given you a pretty good punch to your spine. What the hell does this dickhead want with you?

"You don't belong here." He spits out.

"And what makes you say that?"

"This land wasn't intended for your kind. Equestria was meant for ponies. Now we have your dumbass here, and infecting our culture with your shit."

"Look I don't want any trou-"

  He interrupts. "Then you best get the hell out of ponyville, and take your ass to where the Griffin’s live! That’s a warning."

   You were done with this prick, and it was time to stand up for yourself. You wrap your legs around his knees and pull a batman-like move twisting him until he falls to the ground. You quickly jump up to your feet.

"After I'm done with you, your family won't even recognize you."  Now you felt like a badass, because you had always wanted to say that. You wish somepony was here so they could see your badassery and manliness. You grab the first thing you see, which is a banana.  As he gets to his feet you mash the banana in his face. It was a pretty ridiculous move that probably hurt less than you would've hoped.

"What the fuck is a banana gon-," he’s interrupted by a watermelon being smashed on top of his head and you had to admit he looked pretty stupid.

   Surpirsingly, he still gets to his feet and swings his right fist. You duck and give him a good few strikes to his chest. However as you come up he slams his fist onto the top of your skull causing you to develop a strong headache. He holds onto your face and attempts to knee you, but you realize what he’s trying to do and you use your leverage to tackle him into his caravan with a satisfying crack  He leans onto his caravan, and you grab one of his toolbox’s he has nearby.  My god you're just one lucky son of a bitch to have the luck that he also sold tools weren't you? Not wishing to severely harm this racist bigot you toss the toolbox onto his chest knocking him down.

"Oh I've been warned have I," You say in a mocking tone.

"Oh, there's more," he says as he gets up and starts pulling his caravan weakly. "Remember that the Equine Superlatives are watching," he adds as he laughs, but is cut off by violent coughs. Man that guy was an even bigger dickhead to you than Larry was to Lee Everett.

           You make it to Sugarcube Corner six minutes late but that doesn't matter, all that matters is that you kicked the shit out of somepony who deserved it, and still managed to salvage some food that hadn't been smashed or used as a weapon.

As you enter the bakery, the heavenly scent of sweets greets your nostrils. It gave you that feeling where you wish all you could do is eat, eat, eat and rub the sweets all over your body.

"Sweet Celestia are you alright!?"

Roseluck's face scrunches up at the sight of you along with Bon Bon who is wearing a pink t-shirt and some jeans. You had learned that Bon Bon was a fragile and moody pony, after you had told her once that her candies were a little too sweet. That had got you a week of the silent treatment.

"Geez, I didn't think I was that ugly," You chuckle, but immediately stop because your nerves don't want to hear you dumbass laugh, they just want you to go home and are punishing you with pain.

"Anon this isn't a joke. You could be seriously hurt," Bon Bon adds.

"Are you kidding?!? I feel like a million bits." You say wincing.

"Yeah? Well you look like shit. Let me fix you up." Roseluck sits you down and you grab a slice of cake.

"You're bleeding from your scalp." Bon Bon says as Roseluck pours a bit of water over your wound.

"So can you tell us what happened?" Roseluck asks, and you’re more than happy to oblige.

    Roseluck and Bon Bon listened intently to you, and say they both felt they had heard of the Equine Superlatives, but couldn't quite remember what they were. After your wound was fully cleaned and sealed you decided it was time to head home. They told you to be careful and you said that with your amazing muscle you would be safe. The three of you laughed, and you started on your way with two slices of leftover cake to share with your new roomie.

You were a little dizzy and were seing spots every few minutes, that bastard got you good. It was also getting harder to focus on things.

   The fresh, cold air helped you focus a little though. You gaze up at Luna's sky which is very beautiful with its millions of stars that decorate the sky. Your house is a little close to the edge of Ponyville so you can hear the animals off in the distance and you love it, because it just feels so peaceful. As you walk along the path to your house, you glance at your chrome watch. The hands read 8:54 P.M. You make your way inside.

Home, sweet home. You look around the living room. It’s furnished with two couches across from each other and a rug with Celestia's sun in between. The chandelier was old and the fireplace hasn't been used since the winter so you scan over the house for anything out of place. You don’t see anything too wrong, and prepare the water for a quick shower. You desperately need to make a good impression for whoever this mare was, to keep her from immediately packing up and calling you a slob.

You were actually longing for somepony to share this house with, because it got a bit lonely, and as much as you hate to admit it, your hallway is pretty damn creepy at night.

           You enter your bathroom. Its relatively simple, a toilet next to the sink with a mirror over it and to the left of the toilet is a simple, stand up shower. It had a marble tile wall and a shower head with so many settings that sometimes you’d pretend you were Poseidon and that you controlled the sea.

This also got you questioning if seahorses here are actually horses that breathe underwater, and with what you've seen here so far that was definitely a possibility.

           However, this isn't one of those days where you could lean against the wall in the shower until the skin on your hands shrivels up and makes you look like an old man. So you quickly shower and wash away the dirt and dried blood from yourself. You step out and don’t bother to grab a towel to cover yourself with, figuring you still had some time before your possible roommate arrvied.

         Still walking nude throughout the house you open your fridge, whistling the tune to "Fly Me to the Moon" while you grab the two slices of cake. You’d walk with the two plates in hand towards the small table in between the couches, and after that was done you would simply go upstairs and change into your clothes. As you enter the living room you see your new roommate. Apparently knocking is not necessary when you buyout more than half of the rooms and only one is occupied by some alien that you haven't met.

     She had a long, black mane with beautifully styled bangs and a grey coat. She's wearing a black dress that shows a considerable amount of cleavage, but what strikes you most is her beautiful violet eyes and she has what appears to be a case for some kind of an instrument. She immediately drops the luggage in her left hand.

           You couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she is. Her body frame is impeccable and she was going to be your roommate. You were on fucking cloud nine and you weren't sure if you were seeing correctly, it may have been that punch to the head you recieved earlier, but she lookes like she's shimmering and sparkling.

That’s when you realize that you had fucked up. You are still nude with two pieces of cake in hand and your junk is apparently really glad to see her.

"..........."

     This silence is too much. You have to do something.

"Uhmm, Cake?" Nice move man, you're just too good at handling situations. Offering cake is always the logical thing to do in situations such as these.