the failed kidnapping

by thesnyphur

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 2451

slendermane and a friend attempt to kidnap celestia.

When celestia takes a stroll through the everfree forest, slendermane and his friend plan a kidnapping. But things go horribly wrong

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-24 18:00:47 UTC

chuck testa

"So tell me again why we knocked out two of Celestia's guards, took their armour, and are now posing as them?" Slendermane asked Dark Heart. "Because," Dark Heart replied. "It was part of the plan." They were nearing the edge of the forest, until they realized something. "Uh, Dark Heart?" Slendermane whispered "Was heading toward the changeling hive part of your master plan?" Dark Heart looked up. "What? Oh shit, this is not good, not good at all." "Did you even think this through?" Slendermane whispered again. This time more harshly. "How was I supposed to know she was heading THERE?" Slendermane groaned in annoyance. "Great! Just great! Why did I think this idea would work?" Dark heart took a deep breath, and calmly explained the one thing his friend overlooked. "Dude, all we have to do is grab celestia, get the hell out of here, and we don't get killed... that is Celestia... right?" "Nope," Slendermane replied, "Chuck Testa."

history repeats

"Okay," dark heart began. watching his 'great speech' was slendermane, cthulu, dark heart's cousin comstock redvein, and some random changeling they never really talked to. "So we failed. How was I supposed to know it was actually a fake celestia made by chuck testa (hey that rhymed)? But hey, we know the real celestia is in that hive. So first off, the random changeling will infiltrate the hive, and give us the all clear. But not before placing these explosives at the other side of this wall. Next, comstock will detonate the explosives, taking down the wall, while me and slendy get celestia." Dark heart paused to hear cthulu's calculations "from what I can see," he began, "our chances of both success and survival are point six percent." Dark heart smiled, "That's better than what I usually do." He clapped his hooves together, "alright guys, let's go in there-" "COMSTOOOOCK REEEEDVEEEEEIIIIIIN!" Comstock yelled out while entering the hive. "...he just ran in." Dark heart stated. "Oh my fucking God he ran in!" Soon the remaining four were rushing into the building. Because dark heart's plan was ruined by his own cousin.

in both the frying pan and in the fire

"Oh geez, oh shit oh fuck."

"Look where another one of your 'brilliant' plans got us!"

"Just stick to the plan!"

"The same plan that Comstock ruined?!"

"I admit, I thought this would end better!"

"Just shut up, get Comstock, and get the hell out of here."

Alright, oh by the way, Cthulu's been killed by Celestia."

"That little... Cthulu still owes me thirty bits!"

"Who cares about thirty bits? Right now, all that matters is that no one else gets killed."

"...oh my God when YOU'RE the voice of reason, we're all screwed."

"Hey, I have my days. Oh God it's the random changeling."

"Wait what's it doing... he fired at us!"

"That's what she said."

"REALLY?! AT A TIME LIKE THIS, YOU'RE GOING TO DO THAT?!"

"Hey man, I am who I am."

The two finally found Comstock. Amongst countless changeling corpses. Dark Heart glared at comstock, "Goddammit comstock, why do you always do this?" Comstock looked down, "I'm trying alright?"

the aftermath

Dark heart was not only embarrassed by what his little brother did, but the changeling king morphos gave him AIDS. He died later during an attempt to lay waste to celestia's castle. His last words were "how was I supposed to know they have guns?"

Slendermane met up with his brother trendermane. Since then trendermane has been watching... slendermanes shitty clothes.

The random changeling was discovered to have originally been a part of the "attack" on the hive. He was executed shortly after. But then they realized it was just a regular changeling they killed, and are now working on a new way to identify each other individually.

Comstock disappeared and was never heard from again.

the end (question mark)

Comstock looked out towards the everfree. A deep sense of sadness overwhelming him. The memories of what had caused his brother to have AIDS forever cemented in his mind. Being no more than a wisp, he needed to borrow someponys body until he regained both his body and his full power. When the time was right. He would make them pay. Didn't help in the slightest that he had no idea who "they" were. He heard a mare call him by the name given to his current host, and asking him about the harvest. Given it was a yes or no question with the answer being yes, he answered with one rehearsed word."Eeyup."

(bonus chapter 2)

"Miss you? Not at all!" Comstock replied, "If anything, you're the last person I wanted to see." Celestia just stood there, unmoving. "Comstock, what have you become?" Comstock smiled. "Why I'm glad you asked your majesty, I have evolved into a superior being. I have surpassed you, and the other three princesses." Comstock's smile changed instantly to a look of pure hatred. "But I think it's safe to say you're not here to hear my life story." Celestia moved closer, "Comstock, I don't want to harm you. Stop this madness. I can help you." Comstock shook with rage. "SO YOU WANT TO HELP ME, DON'T YOU? WEL FOR STARTERS YOU CAN BRING BACK MY COUSIN!!" Celestia stopped where she was. She looked at Comstock with pity. "You know I can't do that Comstock." Comstock laughed madly. "OF COURSE YOU CAN'T," he yelled, "IT'S NOT IN YOUR POWER TO DO SO!!! AND YET HE WAS SLAUGHTERED BY YOUR TROOPS!!!" Comstock turned around, "I SEE YOU BROUGHT A GUEST!!! HOW'S THE SINGLE LIFE BEEN TREATING YOU?!" Chrysalis stepped out of the shadows. "I know you're angry, but killing my husband, as well as killing thousands of the forest's inhabitants, is not the answer." Comstock glared at Chrysalis. "It's not my fault their weak, my only sin is being strong." Comstock snarled, "That's the way it's always been. The weak exist only to serve the strong." He then noticed some thing new about both Celestia,  and Chrysalis, their horns were glowing. "Oh my," Comstock exclaimed mockingly "Glowing horns! Woe is me!" He then laughed. "What do you plan to accomplish exactly?" Celestia stepped forward. "Doing what I should have done twenty-five years ago." Comstock laughed. "Is the wittle pwincess going to send the mean ol' monster to the moon?" Comstock asked "GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!" Celestia continued toward Comstock. "No," she began. "The moon is too good for you. Now I know it is impossible to change what you have become. Therefore, Chrysalis and I will seal you away so your path of bloodshed will stop for good." Comstock laughed, "Really? Sealing me away? I know I'm hated. I can feel the hatred. Especially from the ruler of equestria herself. It clouds your minds. That's the only reason for this farce." Both Celestia and Chrysalis stopped. They had gotten close enough. "What you sense is not hatred," celestia replied. "But pity." Comstock's face contorted in rage. "PITY ME?!" He screeched "YOU ACTUALLY PITY ME!!! FIRST YOU KILL MY BROTHER!!!" He then turned to Chrysalis. "THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO TEAM UP SO YOU CAN GET RID OF ME!!! AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING YOU PITY ME?! NO ONE PITIES ME!!! PITY IS FOR THE WEAK!!! I AM SUPERIOR TO EVERY LIVING THING IN EXISTANCE!!!" a bright light formed above his head. As tendrils of light descended towards Comstock, Celestia looked at the sad creature before her. "The fact that you think of yourself as a superior being," Celestia began. "Is what truly makes you pitiful." Suddenly, the tendrils of light pierced Comstock's torso and legs. New tendrils formed in their place. Slamming into the ground. Forming a cage of light. Comstock looked around. And then looked back at celestia. "You think this is over? I will break free, and you won't be strong enough to stop me." The floor of the cage began to glow. And grew smaller as the cage descended into the ground. "Let's see you escape that." Celestia replied. Finally the cage had fully sunk into the ground. The beast known as Comstock was no more. Celestia wished there had been a way to prevent this. Just then, Celestia heard a foal's cries. She looked down. Where Comstock had stood, a small foal lay crying. On his flank was a winged shield. She then heard a voice whisper in her ear. It was a mare's voice. "This foal is to grow up to be the opposite of the monster known as Comstock. Or rather, the new ruler of tartarus, lord zeryl. I will explain soon enough."

(bonus chapter 3)

Celestia awoke with a start. "Oh good. You're awake Celestia, so let us get down to business shall we?" Celestia looked upward to find an alicorn about Luna's height. Blocking the doorway. The mare was white, had a white mane, and stared at Celestia (if not into her soul) through light gray eyes. "Who are who?" Celestia asked, "and how do you know my name?" The mare moved toward Celestia. "I am deus ex machina, princess of the past, as well as the future. Dee for short. As for how I know your name, I control time and fate. Get a good night's sleep? Even if you didn't, I honestly don't give a damn." Celestia got out of bed. "Wait a minute, you control time?" Dee nodded. "And fate. I promised I would tell you about the foal. He is destined to slay Zeryl when he grows up." Celestia didn't trust this mare. "If you are so mighty, prove it." Dee sighed. "I knew you would ask that. In the morning, check your throne,  you will see five birds in the middle of a ring of acorns. If that doesn't happen in five minutes, a guard will show you,  he will knock on your door three times. No more, no less." Dee paused. "Oh yeah, Luna will be there." Celestia was impressed. Curious, she continued to ask questions. "How will the foal slay Comstock?" "Zeryl." Dee corrected Celestia, "And I won't give much away. But your only clue is the foal's cutie mark." "What is the foals name?" "Glynt." Dee answered, slightly annoyed. Celestia pushed on. "How old will Glynt be when he slays Zeryl?" Dee groaned. "My self you are persistant. Well, good night." Suddenly celestia fell unconscious.

Celestia woke up. "Was it all a dream?" She asked herself. Suddenly, she remembered what Dee said. She hurried toward the throne room. When she saw the throne she also saw Luna. Luna appeared to be observing something. Celestia look at whatever had Luna's attention.

In the center of the throne were three birds encircled by a ring of acorns.

(bonus chapter 4)

He watched as Celestia raised the chosen one. Lady Machinas orders were clear. And though he was her equal in terms of magic, he was but a unicorn, and a very powerful ally. He had no name, but he did not mind. He was the servant of fate. He watched as a small unicorn filly entered the throne room. He smiled and watched the show, Lady Machina had everything planned. In eighteen years, the real show would begin. And that would be a show worth watching. So naturally, it would be worth the wait.

And he had waited eons for it to begin.

the plan

"No way man." Slendermane repeated to his friend dark heart, "we are not going to kidnap a princess... I want to, but your plans always fail." Dark Heart looked at his friend through mismatched eyes. "Name one time where a plan of mine failed." Slendermane paused for a moment, and then replied "Oh, I don't know, kind of lost track after the first few THOUSAND TIMES!" "Dude," Dark Heart said in a quiet voice "She's just behind that tree." Slendermane galloped to dark heart. "Are you even listening?" He asked as his friends horn lit up, "Yes." Dark Heart replied, "But you need to trust me man. I know what I'm doing." Slendermane shook his head. One of these he was going to kill dark heart, not today, but someday. "That's what you said when we tried to infiltrate the changeling hive, word for word. Look where that idea got us!" Dark Heart turned around. "You know Cthulu pushed me!" "Cthulu wasn't even there!" Slendermane yelled out. Dark Heart sighed. "Just listen man" after at least three hours of explaining the two friends now had there plan. "Just remember," Dark Heart finished "If she gets suspicious, tell her your a pimp amed big daddy."

(bonus chapter 1)

30 years later

Comstock froze. He had heard a noise not far from here. Ever since his return. Getting used to his new body was still a work in progress. But even then he knew it was worth every second. This body was different from the stallion. Stronger, faster, capable of both magic and flight. (The wings took some getting used to) cautiously, he slowly got on all fours, for he could do that in his new body, and inches toward whatever it was that made that noise. He happened to come across a puddle. probably from last night he thought. it was raining pretty hard he happened to see his reflection. While there were some similarities to his past as a pony, he was an entirely different being. He was taller, his horn closely resembled that of a changeling's, his wings were like pegasus wings but without feathers, he was hairless, with taut skin like bone. Pale. His teeth were teeth no herbivore needed. They were teeth meant to tear flesh, they were the teeth of a carnivore. Not that it bothered him. New form, new hunger. As he got closer, he finally saw what it was.

One of the royal guards.

He frowned. Normally he'd be happy, but he knew Celestia's guards never wandered this far from Canterlot, not without a reason. Suddenly an idea came to him. One that made him smile. He was being hunted by Canterlot's finest. But he didn't worry one bit. He knew the entire forest. Every acre, every tree, down to the last twig. They were in his playing field. He neared his prey. Salivating at the mere thought of the taste. He had tasted manticore, dragon, he even feasted on an Ursa major once. But never had he tasted alicorn. But then he stopped. The guard was a fake. Behind the decoy was a face he knew all too well.

"Celestia" he growled. The princess' face was blank. Finally celestia broke the silence. "Hello Comstock, miss me?"