Mister Jones

by Patient X

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Random, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Other, Self Insert
Length: 12025

This follows the plight of Stan, a high school kid from Pennsylvania, who is unwillingly sent to Equestria by scientific means. A not so subtle self-insert HiE.

Stan, our protagonist, signs up to volunteer at a local laboratory as an unpaid hand for experiments involving chemical reactions on a sub-atomic level. He soon discovers the lab's intentions as he is lead not to a beaker and test tube, but to a circular machine...creating a portal to a very equestrian alternate dimension.

Published 2013-07-05 02:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-15 02:35:03 UTC

Orifice In Reality

The endless bumper to bumper traffic let Stan know that his day was gonna suck. He's been sitting in this stagnant, rumbling mess for at least an hour, barely moving half a mile, and has listening to the cacophony of car horns and pissed complaints from every fucking Guido in America.

"Enough of this shit." Stan growls to himself as a scowl creeps up on his board expression.

He reaches toward the dashboard of his car and turns the dial of the radio several times to increase the volume of the music crackling out of the speakers of his mother's used car. The rumbling, growling engine of the 2010 Ford Escape helped shield Stan's ears from the horrid, obnoxious, excuse of laughter coming from the car behind him with open windows. From the almost dead car speakers, he can barely hear the lyrics of the song.

"Why can't Germans make louder music?" Stan angrily spits out loud to nobody.

Hell, he can barely hear himself over the litany of slurred cursing, New Jersey dialects, and loud stereo beats blasting from gangsta wannabe's from all sides; all those sounds mixed with the metallic whirring of car engines, the nauseating stench of gasoline, and the lingering taste of "Dunkin'-Donuts" Iced Tea in Stan's mouth makes this entire experience a lot more mind numbing than it should...At least the tea tasted fine, he guesses.

Stan can see the steel, multicolored parade of cars stretching over the next hill, partially concealed by the sun blaring behind the white overcast as tiny droplets of acid rain accumulated at the nearby airport patter on the roofs of all vehicles in the cacophonous symphony of industrial shit.

He simply sighed, looked at the clock, which read 11:57 AM, and cracked his fingers...

**************

Halfway in another dimension, Equestria, to be exact, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash stroll together towards the Main Palace in Canterlot, sent there by request of Princess Celestia.

"What do you think the Princess wants?" The rainbow pegasus queries the purple unicorn as they enter the main chamber of the palace; they walk past a platoon of guards and are saluted.

"The letter said something about the Elements of Harmony." Twilight shrugs as the two draw near a set of steep, purple rugged stairs.

Standing atop the stairs are five ponies, four of them being Twilight and Rainbow Dash's friends from Ponyville and the fifth one being a tall, white alicorn.

"Princess Celestia! Pinkie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, why are you here? I thought only Rainbow Dash and I got her letter." Twilight and Rainbow Dash seem puzzled by the presence of their four other friends.

"I've summoned them as well. They will come into part later as I give you your mission. Come, I'll explain everything in the Stained Hall." Celestia offers a hoof to a pair of opened doors behind her leading into a massive ballroom.

The six mares follow their monarch and are astounded by what they see.

Sleek, marble tiled floors mar the reflections of massive, ornate stained glass windows depicting many events in history. The ceiling is supported with white stone struts that arch upward and give the room the look of a Gothic Cathedral. Of course, Twilight had been in here before, when she was summoned by Celestia and her sister Luna to help save the Crystal Empire, but her friends have never set hoof in here.

"Absolutely gorgeous!" Rarity gasped from behind Rainbow Dash as she approaches one of the windows depicting Celestia sending Luna to the moon.

"It's quate darn impressive if Ah so say so mahself." Applejack removes her cowpony hat in deference to the magnificent spectacle.

"Now that we have some peace and quiet, I have a task for the six of you."

"What is it?" Fluttershy quietly asks, brushing a few pink strands of mane from her yellow face.

"You all know how to use the Elements of Harmony; that's been proven to me several times. However, you only know how to use these after charging them in a prolonged ritual. I'm going to teach you how to use them on command, without having to charge them up at once." Celestia's news brings a pleasant smile to the group of mares.

"Ooh, neato! So we can just zap anything we want right then and there?" Pinkie Pie jumps up from behind Rarity and lands belly first onto the white coated mare, knocking her off balance and sending both ponies to the shiny ass floor.

"Thankfully, no. The last pony who did so was sent to the moon. I will be teaching you girls temperance along with the ability to call these powers whenever. Do you understand?" Celestia asks the ponies before her.

"We can handle it!" Rainbow Dash calls out excitedly as her friends grow huge smiles and nod.

"Let us begin." Celestia smiles back.

**************

A large building sits in the center of Philadelphia. A multistory laboratory built from tall, tinted glass panes and sheet white concrete. A flat, weedless lawn surrounds the building, sporting a red brick sign showing the logo of the company: "Quantum Applications" with three yellow triangles put together to make a radioactive symbol on a light blue background.

Inside that building sits Stan, who finally, after two full hours of Pennsylvania interstate hell, got to where he needed to be. He sits in the main lobby of the building, also sheet white and shiny, reading the latest celebrity gossip he obtained from a rack next to the comfortable, leather sofa situated in the carpeted lobby. To his left is a desk with two doors to the left and right of the desk. A group of workers are behind the desk typing apathetically on their computers with the litany of boredom etched permanently onto their wrinkled visages. In inarticulate terms, they're fucking bored.

"Stan Jones?" A woman looks up from her computer and at Stan, who puts down his magazine.

"Yes?" He asks, hoping his volunteer service will finally start.

"Take the door on the left and go down the hallway. Your laboratory will be the last one on the right." The middle aged, Hispanic woman tells Stan as he gets up and wipes the wrinkles from his polo.

"Thanks." He thanks the woman, who nods and returns to her work.

Stan opens the door and is surprised to find the hallway is quite populated. Doctors in lab coats rushing around busily with clip-boards and cell phones pass by Stan without a passing glance as he makes his way to the prescribed room. He opens the door and enters, closing the door behind him. A doctor in a lab coat walks up to him with a smile spread across his African American face.

"Hi, are you Mr. Jones?" The elderly, balding scientist asks Stan, extending his hand.

"Yes, sir, I am." Stan smiles back and shakes the doctor's wrinkly hand.

"Your liability forms, too?" The doctor lifts his shaggy, white eyebrow.

"Yes, I have those." Stan places a manila folder in the man's hand.

"Great. Come with me, Mr. Jones, we have a lot to do today." The scientist happily pushes Stan along into the center of the laboratory.

Stan found it odd how the doctor kept addressing him as "Mister Jones". He's seventeen, he doesn't need to be addressed like a grown man. In the center of the lab, past all the tables filled with electronic testing equipment, beakers and chemical cycles filled to the brim with unidentifiable liquids, gases, and solids, and sharp, pointy instruments, stand a group of other scientists, idly chatting about the Boston Bombing along with isolated incidents in Libya and Syria.

"We have our missing man, everybody!" The black scientist happily exclaims as the group of scientists glance toward Stan and give warm 'hellos'.

"I am Doctor Alman. I'm a theoretical physicist, mathematician, and quite the believer of the almighty dollar bill." He tells Stan in his upbeat, strangely overly excited voice.

"This is my rag-tag team of scientists, physicists, and overall goof-balls like myself." Alman exclaims as his colleagues chuckle at his slightly insane banter.

"Awesome. So, what will I be doing here?" Stan asks.

"We've been working on a special something rather...taboo...and completely secret. Thankfully, we got you to sign those liability forms so you can't tell anyone or blame us if you get hurt." One of the scientists, an Oriental woman who appears to be in her late twenties tells Stan in a Korean accent.

"What's so secret?" Stan asks again, feeling giddy himself.

Stan has always had a soft spot for chemistry and even science in general.

"You're just gonna have to follow us and find out." Alman gestures towards the back of the lab, past a massive generator, and past mountains of electrical equipment to something.

That 'something' was a box-like computer bristling with knobs, buttons, lights and fitted with a computer screen. Next to it is a circular ring of metal outfitted with hoses, rivets, and lights. To the left of the strange machine is a large military-grade supply box containing who-knows what.

"What's that? Some sort of particle accelerator?" Stan asks as he, Alman, and the scientists saunter over towards the machine.

The other doctors split apart and begin to work on several of the outlying machines, perhaps prepping the device.

"It's something more." A booming voice emits from behind Stan.

He turns around to see several men. One of them, standing right in front of him, wears a military-style uniform. The other men wear United States soldier attire, also sporting assault rifles.

"What??" Stan jumps in surprise as the official looking one raises a hand and waves Stan off.

"We're here to oversee the experiment. I'm General Rochester." The general reaches forward, aiming to shake Stan's hand.

"Wait. Is this experiment forced by the government, or is it of vital importance that these people need to be here, or what? What am I missing?" Stan frantically tries to put all of this into some form of sense.

"Allow me to explain." Alman puts a hand on Stan's shoulder from behind.

"Yes, please do! Because I'm really freaked out right now." Stan breathes.

"We feel we may have achieved inter-dimensional travel. We reported this to the government and they're sending soldiers and technicians to help us out with the project. We just needed a lab-rat who would easily sign away his life via a liability contract for unpaid hours working at a laboratory; a laboratory using this type of technology." Alman chuckles.

Stan feels sick to his stomach. He can't believe he feels used.

"So wait. You want me, some asshole from Scranton, to go to another dimension?? Are you even sure this damn thing even works?" Stan angrily and frantically asks Alman and General Rochester.

"Yes. We've sent rats with equipment through. They still have positive life signs and are continually transmitting data!" The Oriental scientist tells Stan as she still types out a series of buttons onto one of the machines.

"How are they even alive? Are they sent to like a planet or something?" Stan asks, completely bewildered by the weight of the information he's being presented with.

"Yes. If we open the portal, we can see exactly what's on the other side. Sort of like opening a door." Another scientist, obscured by equipment, piped up and fills in the gaps for Stan.

"If you do this, the United States government will offer you a handsome reward. And if you don't we're required to terminate you because you are in possession of some really dangerous information." Rochester explains to Stan.

"Okay, fine. I guess I don't have a choice." Stan huffs angrily as the machine behind him whirs to life.

The circular part of the machine glows a bright green as the center of the ring tears through reality itself in a blinding flash of green light, stunning the soldiers, general, and Stan for a brief few seconds.

"Ah, it's time now! Come, Stan, we will get you geared up!" Alman grabs Stan by the arm and hauls him towards the military crate.

Stan opens the crate, revealing camouflage fatigues, combat netting, combat armor, guns, ammunition, medical packs, rations, canteens, helmets, and scientific equipment.

"Here, put on some combat armor and I'll teach you how to use the equipment." Alman explains to Stan as he turns to the General to say something.

A few minutes later, Stan is now the most inexperienced inter-dimensional solder ever, sporting camouflage fatigues, combat netting, steel-tipped boots, a backpack filled with various supplies, and a metallic chest plate fitted onto his chest spitting colored lights and wires onto his torso.

"What's the chest plate for?" Stan asks, poking at one of the blinking lights on his chest.

"That's medical equipment we use to keep track of you and keep you alive. Also, take this." Alman hands Stan a headset, looking device.

"To communicate?" Stan asks.

"Yes. There is a miniature version of the machine inside of here that sends all messages to us in this dimension. Just don't break it." Alman warns.

"Are you ready yet?" General Rochester seems impatient.

"I guess so, since you're sending me on a suicide mission." Stan angrily tells the General, who then raises a brow to Stan as he approaches the portal.

Stan gazes into the portal, through the portal, and into the dimension beyond. He sees the surface of a planet, like a jungle, of sorts. The bright green areas around the portal swirl indefinitely as Stan nears the orifice in reality.

"Go on, it's safe!" Rochester pushes Stan into the portal before he could even object.

Stan stumbles through the rip in reality as he feels his individual molecules pull at the edges of the portal, wanting to stay in their mother dimension. He finally steps out of the orifice and lands several inches downwards onto the floor of the jungle.

"Jesus fuck!" Stan shouts as he scrambles to get back up, not expecting the shock of inter-dimensional travel.

He looks around, seeing trees, vines, and rocks in all directions, except for behind him, which still sports the portal. Stan reaches for his earpiece.

"Can you hear me?" He shouts into the microphone.

"Yes, we can, clear as a whistle!" Rochester responds as the portal closes, leaving Stan all alone in this strange new dimension.

"Can I at least get my bearing before you trap me in some new reality?" Stan angrily asks the General, who chuckles.

"You'll get used to it. besides, you can breathe the atmosphere, which means you can survive." Rochester laughs.

"Alright, so what do I do now?" Stan asks, looking in all directions and seeing nothing but wood.

"Explore. Tell us what you find, and we'll let you back into out reality again." Alman replies.

"Alright. I'll contact you when I see something new." Stan presses a button on his earpiece to turn the thing off.

Author's Note

If you can't tell already, I modeled Stan after myself...heavily...HEAVILY.

Out Of The Jungle

Certain that his microphone is not on, Stan breathes in heavily...

"Jesus fucking Christ, Rochester, god dammit!" He shouts loudly as he punches at the air out of rage.

He reels over and catches his breath; the air smells of exotic plants...could he even smell a few fruits? Stan finally regains his inter-dimensional composure and sits down, removing the rucksack from his back and placing it in front of him. Opening up the bag, he does a quick inventory check: rations, clothes, a machete with sheath, a plastic zip-lock bag, a pair of tongs, a note, and one lone revolting sock that seemed to writhe with a foul stench.

Stan gags at the smell of the sock and uses the tongs to grab the horrendous thing and throw it far to his left. He closes the bag, leaving the tongs, note, machete, and zip-lock bag on his lap as he slips the rucksack back on. Placing the machete on his belt, he stands up, reading the note and keeping the bag and tongs in his other hand.

"IMPORTANT:

Mr. Jones, it is of vital importance that any uniquely unfamiliar species you may come across must have samples taken from them and stored in this bag. Failure to do so will result in immediate execution by military officials.

--Doctor Alman"

Stan sighs and crumples the note, leaving it in one of his pockets, and opens the zip-lock bag. He finally takes a good look around; he stands in a clearing with several boulders jutting from the ground, covered with a thin, green moss. Ferns of all kinds grow around him and burst through the dense, crunchy leaf floor covered by the canopy of thick branches and leaves overhead.

He sighs once more and starts walking forwards, in any odd direction, trying to find any "uniquely unfamiliar" species of plant...there's no way he's touching some wild animal from another fucking dimension. Plants will do just fine. Suddenly, he gets an idea.

"Here we...go!" Stan says to himself as he places the tongs and bag in a bag on his combat webbing, freeing his hands for use of the machete in his belt.

Unsheathing the sharp blade, he notices a bright gleam in the machete, even though the sun, or what Stan thinks is the sun, is mostly concealed by the canopy. He walks up to a large group of vines blocking a clear-ish pathway through the woods and swings the blade, effortlessly chopping the creeping plants faster than a chinchilla losing its mind in a 120 degree heat wave in Afghanistan. Stan has no idea why he knows that at all and starts to sing a familiar tune while chopping down the woods, mostly because he's pretty sure nobody can hear him.

"He had a lot to say!" He sings as the blade comes down onto another group of vines, effortlessly severing them.

"He had a lot of nothing to say, we'll miss him!" The blade comes back down onto a tangled mess of decaying plant matter.

"We'll miss him." A final swing severs tangled, dark green ivy.

**************

"To ascend you must die!" Stan shouts, hacking with all his might at a young, thin tree in his pathway, severing it with two blows.

"You must be crucified!" Another slash down the center of a messed tangle of uprooted roots and ivy.

"For your sins and your lies!" No more chopping, but a clearing filled with nothing but short grass and surrounded by even more trees.

"Good...Bye--Oh, hello, what's this?" Stan stops his horrid rendition of Eulogy and looks to his right to spy a patch of fluorescent, neon blue flowers.

He slowly inches forward, trying to catch a whiff of a scent in the wind blowing toward him. These flowers seem to shine. They make Stan feel uneasy, almost like he knows they're dangerous on a subconscious level. Almost like he's seen these plants before.

"What have we here?" Stan kneels down a few feet before one of them and produces the tongs and bag.

Carefully ripping the plant by the strangely short roots, he places the flower into the bag and then zips it back up. Stan raises the bag toward his face and scrutinizes the contents very closely. The flower excretes some sort of thick, black oil when agitated. Hell, the damn thing even twitched when he poked at it's roots using the protection of the plastic bag.

"Disgusting...Gotta take this with me." Stan clamps the bag back onto his combat netting and proceeds forward, facing catercorner to the blue flower bed.

Then something else catches his eye. A light in the dark jungle, right ahead of him. Surprised and fully concentrated, Stan hurries over towards the light, not even minding being covered by plant gunk from his half an hour long homicidal plant slashing
phase. Getting closer to the light, Stan notices the light continues to spread, like it's the edge of something. The edge of the forest! Stan found it and is going to see what's on the other side.

He's about to break the final line of trees when he realizes something. What if there's just another clearing in the woods? What if he finds something he doesn't like? Stan decides 'fuck it' and slashes through the final wall of vines separating him from his goal.

A field of light green grass stands in front of Stan as a large gust of wind blows beads of sweat off his nose. Idle clumps of oak-like trees dot the landscape as it stretches forwards for miles before regressing back into a forest and jutting up a steep height to form rounded yet steep, snow capped mountains.

In front of the jungle lies a rough, dirt path. This excites Stan, as he believes he finds animal treading grounds.

"I'm gonna follow this till it leads me somewhere..." He trails off as he veers a left towards a hill that plateaus after inclining.

As Stan reaches the top of the crest, he peers down below the plateau...and drops his machete in sheer, stupid surprise.

Initial Diplomacy

Stan can only stand agape as the world unfolded in front of him.

Now he knows why he recognized those blue flowers.

The dirt path going over the hill leads to a wide, grassy field. Trees with bright red fruit dot the landscape, almost perfectly spaced apart. A thin, vein-like river bleeds through the field, almost like some form of irrigation. A hill, or plateau, stands above this garden of fruit; atop the hill stands a massive, ornate, red barn-like structure. Windows and white, wooden struts hold up the barn as mounds of hay and...human-like farming equipment scatter the sides of the structure, some falling into disrepair from disuse.

Stan knew exactly where he was:

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

Stan always had a secret liking for the show. Well, secret up until he bought his "Princess Luna" tee shirt. He was always into fan art, fiction, music, etc., but his liking for the show never got out of him or really made him giddy whenever it was spoken of in conversation. This changed as soon as he found where he was.

"Fuckin'...wh-what!?" He can finally form a somewhat coherent thought after being mind-fucked by what he's looking at.

Stan squats down, picking up his machete and sheathing it. He stands back up to see a side door on the barn opening. He immediately drops to the ground and rolls sideways towards a tuft of tall grass next to the path. A group of three entities exit the door; Stan can barely see them when they initially exit the door. However, when the beings split off from the door and go separate ways, he can see more detail on the creatures.

They're of three colors; one light yellow, one red, and one orange. The light yellow one is the smallest, followed by the orange one, and then the red one being the largest. They're quadrupedal, but Stan can't identify any appendages other than stumps of the same color as the beasts's skin...or coat.

Stan's face twists and turns as he tries to suppress a grin that is eating away at his gape so full of awe. He could even see sprawling hair from each of the three creatures. The yellow one having red hair, the orange being blonde, and the red one having shorter, orange hair...or mane.

Stan rolls over, still going away from the path, onto his back and laughs quietly. This was never going to be the day he had imagined. He thought he would be in the lab for a few hours mixing acids with bases under an electron microscope, and then go home and eat some shitty McDonald's on the way back. Hell, even when he stepped through the inter-dimensional portal, he never thought about any of the possibilities of this even happening.

He was happy; not only for being completely safe from being torn apart by inter-dimensional travel, but he ended up in a safer place than Earth. Stan closes his eyes and sighs deeply. He opens his eyes and gets up into a crouching position, switching his smile with a serious gaze. He should either try some sort of stealth or diplomacy.

Well, seeing that Stan had left heavy boot-prints everywhere he went, while looking back, he decided to be more diplomatic than anything else. Hey, at least ponies weren't too xenophobic...well, at least not Applebloom or Twilight. With a sigh, Stan stood completely up and started to walk down the path. The smell of fresh and rotten apples filled his nostrils as he steps down the hill, staying on the path adjacent to the fenced-in area of the farm.

After a few minutes of taking in the scenery and thinking of his form of diplomacy he'll take, Stan can hear faint chattering that slowly gets louder as he walks down the path.

"Twahlaght said for me to keep this with me at all times, Applebloom." One said with a southern twang...and obviously with the voice of Ashleigh Ball.

"Neat-o! So you can turn this thang on and off faster than you could before?" The other one said, sounding a lot more higher pitched, obviously Applebloom.

"So, you took what Ah said and said it back to me...so clever, Applebloom." The first one replies jokingly.

Both laugh.

Stan shudders.

'Fucking shit,' Stan thinks. 'Gotta play this safe...I wanna make a good first impression.'

Stan is now a mere meters away from a gap in the trees, letting the path to the barn fork into the road. He suddenly stops to see two figures slowly step out from the gap and turn left; the same direction Stan is walking from. Both figures stop and stare intently at Stan, who stares back. He can see them better now; it's Applejack and Applebloom.

Now, never in a quadrillion millennia did Stan ever imagine meeting characters from one of his favorite TV shows in real life. It was just never heard of. If he was lucky he may have gotten to meet the voice actors for a brief few seconds at like, Bronycon or something; but to meet the actual characters...

Stan snapped out of his thought to see two perplexed and cautious ponies staring at him, contemplating what he is.

He thought he'd start out with something simple.

"Hi...I, uh, I'm lost. Can you give me directions to someplace?" Stan asks as he forces a smile.

"H...howdy....partner..." Applejack, still staring like a deer in headlights, replies; she then shakes her head and corrects her gaping jaw.

Stan notices her head height goes up to his sternum, give or take a few inches.

"Ah'm sorry...Ah've just never seen somethin' like you before." She stutters as something around her neck jingles.

That thing around her neck is the Element of Honesty, glowing with magical energy.

"It's okay. I get stares like this from girls all the time." Stan tries to lighten up the first encounter with a joke; the two chuckle lightly.

"What's you're name, stranger?" Applebloom asks, curiously.

"I'm Stanley." He calmly relays to the two mares before him.

"Well...Ah'm Applejack, and this is mah sister, Applebloom." Applejack places a hoof on her sister's shoulder, who waves with a nervous, toothy grin.

"It's nice to meet you two. Is there any place I can find some sort of...information where I'm at? I'm not from here." Stan asks again, a modicum more comfortable with his approach to ponies.

"Oh, yes, there is. We've got a library in the nearby town. How about you come with us and we'll show you." Applebloom offers generously as Applejack gives her a worried face.

"I'd be fine with that." Stan forces another grin, not so obviously this time around as the two sisters give tiny smiles themselves.

"Well then come with us, sugarcube. Ponies here don't take too kindly to big, tall things that walk and talk, so if you stay with us, you won't scare everypony...hopefully." Applejack calmly offers, looking down at her Element as kind of a keepsake for protection.

"Well, alrighty, then." Stan remarks with a hint of amicability as he follows the two sisters.

Stadt Ponyville/Colgate

A long, dusty path stretches in front of the two ponies and one human. The path cuts down a smooth downhill surrounded by trees on one side and a prairie of short grass that was half clover.

"So, uh, you both...farm things?" Stan awkwardly asks, trying to strike up a conversation with the two concerned mares.

"Yeah, we grow and sell apples and apple accessories.". Applebloom responds, slightly less creeped out by Stan and not noticing the obvious reference to something she just uttered.

"Apple accessories?" Stan queries, lifting an eyebrow.

"Ya know, cider." Applebloom says flatly, looking at Stan with eyes that say: 'you fuckin' serious?'.

"You could have just said cider." Stan shrugs, his combat netting slinking as he stumbles on a dry, cracked tree root.

"Ah know what Ah said, dummy!" Applebloom says, jokingly, while giving a smirk.

Stan and Applebloom laugh as Applejack gives a really bad fake smile.

"So, is it just the two of you living on the farm?" Stan asks, stepping carefully over a startlingly deep pothole in the path.

"We've got Big Macintosh, our older brother, and Granny Smith, who usually just sits in the house. Big Mac is pretty tough, so don't get on his bad side." Applejack almost threateningly as the path widens and gives a view of the ponies's town to Stan.

Tall buildings with white painted walls and hay roofs dot the horizon. The town ahead is cut off from the path by a thin creek crossable by a low, wooden bridge. Several tiny dots can be seen poking about a group of wispy clouds over the town, slowly dissipating the airborne structures.

"This is as far as we can take ya. The library is a giant tree in the middle of town, ya can't miss it." Applejack says to Stan, turning around and heading back.

"Wait, didn't you say that I should stay with you two so that the other ponies won't get scared?" Stan queries.

"Ah just remembered that there's a few more trees of apples we've gotta harvest." Applejack seems less than phased by Stan's remembrance of earlier spoken dialogue.

"A-alright, then. So...just keep heading straight?" Stan asks as Applejack tugs Applebloom behind her by the mane through her teeth.

"Yeah. You can't miss it! It's been good meeting you, Stanley!" Applebloom happily says goodbye to the giant, terrifying stranger who she showed directions to.

******************

Stan can see through Applejack's falsified chores. Like when the main six first met Zecora, Applejack had been the more xenophobic one, saying that 'outsiders' like Stan and Zecora were nothing but trouble. At least she's honest about her uneasiness of strangers.

******************

Within minutes, Stan finally came to the bridge separating the town limits of Ponyville and the surrounding rural areas. The very second he steps onto the bridge, he is greeted by a loud gasp coming to his left. Stan jerks his head to see a park bench on the other side of the bridge with a single pony laying on it with a book sprawled across the seat in front of it. It, well she, is about the same size as Applejack, although with a light blue coat and a horn jutting out from between her white and blue parted mane; on her thigh rests an hourglass Cutie Mark.

"Whaaat---the hell??" The blue pony reels at the sight of the camouflaged bipedal in front of her, flipping the book shut with a hoof.

"Hey, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just need to get to the library." Stan quickly assures the mare, who scans him with her eyes.

"Then, what's that on your chest armor? You gonna throw that at somepony and get them sick?" She cautiously asks, pointing a nervous hoof at the front of Stan's combat netting.

Stan looks down to find the plastic bag with the blue flower still attached to his chest. He nervously chuckles and plucks the bag from his chest.

"Oh, I just need this for scientific research; that's all." Stan assures the blue unicorn, who nods and begins to open her mouth.

"What...species are you? Not trying to be rude, it's just that you kinda scared me!" She stammers fearfully.

"It's okay. I'm a human." Stan replies.

"Where do humans come from? Like, what country?" The pony asks, obviously referring to Equestrian maps.

"It's a...long story." He finally shrugs, not wanting to spill everything about everything to this confused mare, who he knows very well.

"I see. Well...welcome to Ponyville." The mare gives a small smile to the human in front of her, unsure of what greeting gesture to use.

"Thanks. Hey, I'm a bit lost, can you help me out with some directions?" Stan politely asks the unsure mare.

"Um, sure. Where do you need to go?" The blue unicorn asks, hopping off the park bench and stretching her legs.

"The library." Stan puts blankly.

"Oh, I can show you; follow me." The pony's horn illuminates with a light blue slightly before the book she was holding suddenly flies into the air and rests on her back like a gentle butterfly. Stan's mental jaw drops to the core of the planet.

"So, you gotta name?" He asks, although knowing that pony's name.

"Yeah, Minuet. My friends call me Colgate. You?" Colgate replies, giving a small smile to the tall stranger.

"Stanley. It's nice to meet you." Stan smiles, finally being able to meet his favorite pony.

Stan had always kind of had a bit of a fan-crush on Colgate. Whether it be because of the mane-cut, color scheme, name, "or race, he didn't know; it was just that Colgate was his favorite, even better than the main six. Stan's brain is still going berserk over meeting these kind ponies, it's just a matter of time before the excitement comes out.

The two set across the bridge, headed for the library, where hopefully, Stan can meet up with Twilight Sparkle and tell somepony why he's there...

"So, what brings you here?" Colgate asks with a polite smile as the two pass another pony, who gasps and drops a paper bag filled with groceries.

"Long story. Let's just say it's the result of a scientific expedition." Stan replies, letting his gloved hands dangle down next to him.

"Ah. And, uh, all this armor?" Colgate queries, doing another once over on Stan's military attire.

"Protection. Just in case of wild animals or something." He raises his hands and rests them on his belt, letting his machete dangle back and forward, causing another pony to utter a prayer to some deity and slowly back away.

The white buildings slowly become more and more dense as more and more ponies become aware of Stan's presence and either gasp and turn away or follow from a safe distance, watching Colgate and him walk into town.

"Have you met anypony else in town yet?" Colgate asks, finally warming up to Stan.

"Yeah, I've met Applejack and her sister. Nice people---uh, I mean ponies." Stan shakes his head in frustration, Colgate gives a friendly chuckle.

"Oh, I know them. I buy fruit from them all the time." Colgate raises a hoof to wave to a mint colored unicorn friend, whose eyes widen and jaw drops.

"We're almost at the library. When we get there, I think I should go on in there first so you don't scare the librarian." Colgate giggles as a massive structure appears in Stan's vision...

A tree, as big as a five story McMansion, stands prominently between two large houses, specked with windows and balconies; a wooden door sits idly at the bottom of the trunk at ground level.

"Seems like I've got myself a fan-base." Stan jokes, gesturing behind him to Colgate.

A sloshing sea of colorful equine surround the rear of the two creatures, the bipedal one looking at the quadrupedal one and shrugging.

"I'll let the librarian know you're here." Colgate tells Stan, who gives a smile and turns to face the crowd of ponies behind him. With a massive surge of confidence and happiness, he finally gets the balls to speak...

"Uh...howdy?"

Author's Note

Fun Fact: "Stadt" is German for the phrase "town of".

Spilling the Beans

"Howdy." Stan awkwardly calls out to the sloshing sea of ponies before him, who collectively gasp and mutter among themselves.

"You can speak our language?" A pony in the front row, a cream colored mare with a blue and pink halved mane asks in a Flemish accent.

"Yeah...I don't really know how to explain my presence to you...life-forms." Stan cringes at his use of the word, because in his opinion he sounds like a fuckin' nerd.

Stan then realizes how nerdy he really is and then shakes it off. A tidal wave of questions crashes into Stan like a bull's horns as he tries to discern any questions from the ever-so closing in crowd of equine.

"Alright!" Stan yells, the crowd goes silent, stepping back. "Raise your hand--hoof if you have a question."

Nearly every pony in the sea raises a hoof.

"Alright...shit...you, down in front." Stan points to a brown colt with a dark brown mane sporting an hour-glass cutie mark. The stallion clears his throat, eyeing Stan for using foul language in public.

"Where exactly are you from?" The pony asks in a northern Welsh tongue.

"What City? Country? Continent? Planet? Universe?" Stan lists the options to the Welsh pony, whose eyes widen and shrugs.

"Once the librarian comes out, I'll explain everything to her and she'll put it in simpler terms to y'all." I reassure the ocean before me, which releases a collective murmur among itself.

"Stanley, here she is." He hears a familiar voice from behind him.

He turns to see Colgate standing with another pony; a purple unicorn with a dark blue mane, marked with two streaks of highlight and a six pointed star cutie mark. Around her cranium sits a golden tiara, bearing a crystal...another Element of Harmony. The unicorn stares at the human, completely agape as Stan gives her a three second once-over and smiles.

"Twilight, this is Stanley. He's...from somewhere else and needs directions." Colgate pushes the paralyzed mare towards me, whose hooves drag on the ground and make little dirt trenches on the road.

"I've...this is...Luna Eclipse!" Twilight tries to comprehend what she's seeing: an extraterrestrial, right here...for her to study.

"You're the librarian?" Stan asks like a person who's never watched the show before.

"I have no idea." Twilight's purple eyes pierce right through Stan's green ones as she looks into his very soul.

"Twi!" Colgate waves a hoof in front of the other unicorn's face, who shakes her head and blinks.

"Come in! I have so many questions! I've always wanted to talk to an alien!" Twilight hops jovially into the open door of the library as Colgate and Stan follow.

With the door closed behind them, Stan gets a good look around the library. Books, books, and more books are placed in ridiculously complex orders across the bookshelves carved into the ringed walls. A flight of stairs in the back lead upwards, along the circumference of the room, towards another set of rooms; windows and candles line the top of the room. Twilight bounces to the table in the center of the room, pulling out a stack of papers, a quill, and ink as Colgate pulls up three chairs around the table.

"So, Stanley, start from the beginning!" Twilight hops right into the seat at the head of the table while Colgate and Stan sit across from each other.

"Like...the beginning of my universe? My species?" Stan lists off, eyebrow raised.

"Your species is a good start!" Twilight's toothy grin splits her face in half as a bead of sweat rolls down her cheek.

Colgate rests her face in her front hooves, giving a small smile of interest and flicking her mane back.

Stan looks towards the door and the two windows it separates. Faces of various ponies peak in the windows as they want to hear what an alien has to say. Stan sighs and cracks his knuckles...

After discussing the evolutionary chain of basic hominids to homo-sapiens for ten minutes, Twilight has already gone through several sheets of paper and seems completely unphased by the amount of notes taken. Colgate looks on with interest as her blue eyes pierce Stan's, looking into his soul like Twilight when she and Stan met.

"Just out of curiosity, the language we're speaking now. What is it called where you come from?" Colgate asks, still piercing him with her eyes.

"English." Stan replies, she nods.

"Can we talk about something else? How about...Human anatomy?" Twilight asks, almost begs, Stan to relay the intricate workings of the human body.

"Well, we have a skeleton. We eat, and then poop, and sometimes fuck." Stan does a quick relay to Twilight while waving my hand over the described areas.

"Could you go into a bit more depth...and with a little less language?" She asks, slyly smiling. Colgate giggles at his description.

"Sounds like ponies, to me." The blue unicorn smirks.

"Do you at least have a spinal cord?" Twilight queries.

"Yes."

"Digestive System?"

"Yes."

"Respiratory System?"

"Yes."

"Excretory System?"

"Yes."

"Nervous System?"

"Yes."

"Muscular System?"

"Yes."

"Cardiovascular system?"

"Yes...how long do I have to keep this up?" Stan chuckles, Twilight shrugs, Colgate smiles.

"Alright. How about culture?" Twilight asks, placing a new bit of paper on the table and places her quill in ink.

He ponders what he should say to make the best first impression. Stan looks between the two ponies before him, both gazing with interested eyes. He then looks at the series of ears and faces pressed up against the windows, each bestowing a look of wonder on the alien from Earth.

"It varies between different groups of people." He doesn't lie.

"Like how so?." Colgate pipes up.

"Different languages, different foods, different races, different religions we're all different. Sadly those differences have gotten us into a lot of trouble." He relays the info onto the two ponies.

"What kind of trouble?" Twilight worryingly asks.

"Terrorists, radical religious extremists, nuclear missiles, failing democracies, crashing economies, school massacres, pick your choice." Stan is frank and truthful.

"School massacres??" Colgate's mouth is agape. Stan then remembers...

Murder is almost unheard of in Equestria. Maybe not in the other kingdoms, but not in the land of peaceful ponies.

"Sadly, those exist." He sighs.

"Nuclear missiles?" Twilight curiously points out what he said.

"Big bombs that explode with the force to rip atoms apart." Stan replies.

Sounds of worried murmurs are heard from outside the windows as he hears the ocean of color sloshing about with conversation.

"Let's talk about something less frightening. How about diet?" Colgate asks, smiling and shifting her eyes to the sea of ponies.

"Sure; we're omnivorous." Stan replies.

"And that means...?" Twilight asks.

"We eat both plants and animals...and sadly, in my culture, we would consider ponies as animals." He replies in a small voice.

Both ponies shift their chairs slightly towards the door an inch.

"But not ponies! They aren't on the menu!" Stan quickly points out, even though in some cultures, it's acceptable to consume equine.

Both ponies slowly shift their chairs back to their original position.

"Well, what animals do humans usually eat?" Twilight asks.

"Cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, fish...um...deer, squirrels, octopus...sharks..." He tries to name off a few species.

"That's quite a lot of--" Colgate pipes up.

"And ostrich, too!" Stan finally finalizes his answer, cutting off the blue unicorn.

The ponies outside are back and listening intently to the interview. Something then buzzes in the ear that Stan's ear-bud is in...

"And that is where I must come in." Alman's elderly voice fills in Stan's ear-drum.

"Wait, Alman?? I thought I turned this thing off!" Stan stands up with fright, pressing his finger into his ear.

"Well instead of pressing the off button, you've pressed the off button for the receiver. You were sending messages the whole time. And I say this looks magnificent!" Alman recites the information.

"Looks amazing?" Stan asks as the ponies before him look at him quizzically.

"We didn't tell you this, but there's a tiny camera attached to the miniature machine in there as well. We have everything documented for our research labs. Also, there is no real power button." Alman frankly replies.

"Wait a minute...you can see everything that I'm seeing right now?" Stan waves a hand in front of his face.

"Yes, I see your gesture on a computer monitor right now." General Rochester pipes in over the microphone on the other side.

Only one thought goes through Stan's mind right at this point...

"Oh god, you heard me sing!?"

Author's Note

I'm back, my fellow Pingasytes.

Surprise Guests

"Yeah, we heard you sing...it wasn't too bad!" Rochester laughs over the microphone.

"Oh...now, why didn't you tell me that this thing wasn't completely off?" Stan breathes out.

"We wanted to maintain a line of visual and audio contact with you at all times, so we didn't include a power button on the ear-piece." Alman recites, making Stan a little angry as he paces around the desk with the two curious ponies.

"So, you just kept quiet for two hours while I explore some alternate dimension with potentially dangerous magic?" Stan angrily asks through to the recipient of his message.

"All in the name of science, I suppose." Stan could almost see Rochester shrugging in his head as he said that.

"Alright..." Stan sighs and looks at the two ponies at the table. "Would you like to introduce yourselves to my new acquaintances here?"

"I would love to!" Alman, giddy of Stan's offer, nearly shouts through the earpiece.

Stan pulls the earpiece from his pinna and carefully rests it inside Twilight's ear as it digs its speaker into the base of her auditory meadus.

"Now, I'll press the button and you can talk to the doctor on the other end." Stan states as he presses his gloved finger onto the send button, letting Twilight talk to his supervisor as she visibly contemplated what to say.

After a short pause, Twilight finally had found the right thing to say to Earth.

"Hello?" She began, her ear twitching as static roared.

"H-hello? Who am I talking to? Stanley took the earpiece off and we can't see what he's doing." Alman could be heard along with the hum of computing machinery.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle. Stan just placed it over my ear and pressing something down on it" Twilight spoke clearly, yet obviously nervous.

"Hello, Miss Sparkle. My name is General Rochester, and the man you just spoke to is Doctor Alman." Rochester's gruff voice booms through the earpiece. Colgate cocks her head in confusion at the door as a random knock is heard.

"I'll go get it." She mouths to Twilight, who nods slightly.

"Hello, General. How did you humans get to Equestria? Some sort of space-travel spell?" The lavender alicorn asks as Colgate opens the door to let somebody, or somepony inside. Stan doesn't look at the door, he only concentrates on Twilight.

"Well, not exactly. You see, Alman here, and his team of scientists, made this...particle accelerator thing, or whatever it's called, which makes a portal to your...dimension." Rochester explains, trying to not be too stern on the curious pony.

"Ooh neat! I've always wondered how aliens got around!" Twilight, seeming authentically giddy and clapping her hooves.

"Well, this was kind of a test run...and at least Stanley came out alright, as far as we can tell from his vital signs." Alman is barely heard, shouting in the background. Multiple sets of hoof-steps are heard behind Stan, who just assumes they're from Applejack.

"How can you tell if he's uninjured or unharmed?" Twilight asks, eye-ing Stanley's armor.

"You see that vest on him? The equipment on there'll show us how healthy he is." Rochester points out to the alicorn, who notices Stan unbuttoning his sweaty camouflage jacket, revealing the Kevlar vest sitting on top of a white tee-shirt.

Stan turns around, thinking he's about to see Colgate and Applejack...

He drops his hand from the earpiece and gazes in awe at the ponies before him. Several white unicorns donning golden armor atop their heads and bodies stand in formation, spears pointing in the air as they face each other in a corridor leading from the door. The pony they're protecting is much taller than the other ones, as Stan's head and the pony's head are at equal height, rather than just at Stan's sternum. The pony is a dark blue mare, with a sparkly blue mane complete with a pitch black tiara and very long horn. On her back flutters a pair of wings, and her flank is black and splotchy, depicting a crescent moon. Beside her stands a visibly nervous Colgate and a smug looking Applejack.

Twilight turns her head and drops her jaw, levitating the ear-piece from her head into Stan's hand and walking towards the guarded pony.

"Princess Luna!" Twilight happily greets the monarch as Stan places the ear-bud back in his ear, giving the princess a once-over.

In lieu of bowing, he simply stands at attention, like a soldier, and salutes. The princess smiles calmly and walks over to the human.

"You are the alien that Ponyville has been contacting us about, yes?" She asks in a regal, yet attractive voice.

"Yes, your highness." Stan tries to spit out the 'your highness' part without sounding like it was foreign for him to say it.

"You are an ambassador, no?" She asks as the trio of mares Stan's already met stand next to them.

"I was originally sent here to...preform scientific studies and collect plants and samples from this dimension, but yeah, you can call me an ambassador as well." Stan enunciates slowly, looking for the right words and trying too hard to sound official.

"Well, during your scientific studies, I've heard rumors that you've successfully plucked a Poison Joke from the ground without getting infected? How is that possible?" The monarch asks.

Poison Joke? Oh! The blue flower!

Stan kneels down and opens his backpack, sifting through the contents to find the pair of tongs and the plastic baggie with the writhing, blue plant still inside.

"Ah, extensions." Luna muses.

"I hope there isn't a problem, ma'am." Stan places the things back in his rucksack and stands back up, leaving it on the floor.

"On the contrary. After hearing about your...non-malicious behavior, my sister and I have agreed to allow you to stay in Equestria for the remainder of your studies, as long as an escort of our finest warriors to protect you and others around you." Luna is quite upfront with the information.

Stan slowly brings his hand up to his earpiece and presses the send button.

"Are you guys getting all of this?" He asks, Luna's head cocks as she raises and eyebrow.

"Take the offer! We need more information on this stunning new dimension!" Alman almost screams with excitement through the earpiece.

"I...I don't know what to say." Stan says to Luna as he lowers his hand.

"How so?" The taller alicorn asks, slowly pacing around the alien in the library.

"I just didn't expect such...hospitality." Stan tries to sound genuinely thankful, which he is.

"Take it as our gift to you. As long as you do not cause any trouble, you are welcome to continue your people's studies." Luna smiles. Stan's stomach is full of happiness butterflies.

"T-thank you, your highness." Stan bows at the waist as Luna's smile grows a bit.

Luna and exits the library slowly, as all but one of her armed escort slowly march their way out behind her, leaving Stan with the three mares and one stallion.

The four ponies approach the human, and the royal guard speaks.

"I am Regal Charmer. My duty is to be your armed escort as you continue your studies." The unicorn guard stands at attention and salutes the human with a voice slightly more gruff than Rochester.

"Alright. Can I call you RC for short?" Stan asks, politely.

"Go for it." The guard's voice softens and becomes more relaxed as his posture is loosened; he goes to the table in the middle of the library and takes a seat, sighing and taking his helmet off to show a stubble of an orange mane.

"So...I think I just might get an inn room or something for the time that I'll stay Equestria." Stan turns to the three mares and says this to them.

"How about you stay here? I'd love to study your culture, your history, your everything." Twilight offers, showing her own curiosity towards the alien.

Stan thinks for a moment as his inner Brony is howling at him to take the offer. This is almost too much excitement for the human to mentally handle as his voice slightly shakes.

"Couldn't hurt." Stan agrees and smiles as Twilight casts a spell to suddenly materialize a massive pile of papers and ink vials about 7 feet tall behind her.

"Well...I've gotta head home and cook dinner. You mind if I come and visit, Twilight?" Colgate asks.

Twilight quickly nods as she prances about, giddy with a new specimen. Applejack looks slightly bemused.

"Stanley, could I talk to you for a second?" She sounds annoyed with the human as he nods and follows her to the tree's kitchen.

The kitchen is carved into the tree with a shiny linoleum floor, an early 1900's ice-box, a stove, and a quaint breakfast nook with a small window to stare out of.

"What's up--?" He's cut off by a hoof in his nose.

"Listen here. If you so much as look at Twilight or Colgate or anypony wrong, I will personally haul your broken bones all the way to the gates of Tartarus, you understand me?? Applejack accusingly, yet quietly snarls at Stan as her eyes shoot a malicious glare at the human.

Stanley simply raises his hands as his features soften.

"Sure. Fine." He quietly backs off.

"Good." AJ trots out of the kitchen and heads out of the library door with Colgate.

Author's Note

Pinna: External ear; biological structure used to catch incoming vibrations and send them down the ear canal.

Auditory Meadus: Ear canal

Now We Start

Stan strolls back into the main library, where Twilight is found dusting bookshelves, rearranging items of importance, and testing out her flying skills in lieu of using a ladder. RC had gotten up to use the lavender alicorn's bathroom, so it was just the human and pony within the main library area. Suddenly, he comes to another realization.

"Ah god fuckin' dammit..." Stan groans with frustration.

"What?" Twilight asks, flying back to him.

"Alman." He puts his finger up to his ear.

"Yes, mister Jones?" The elderly black man on the other end replies.

"What about my family?" Stan asks, vocalizing his realization.

"What about them?" Alman echoes as if asking the same question,

"They'll be worried sick that I won't be home for the next week or however the hell long this'll take!" Stan is agitated by this lack of forward thinking.

"You're old enough to be on your lonesome, aren't you?" Alman asks in his sagacious wisdom.

"I'm seventeen and am a senior in high school." Stan slowly tries not to chew out the nutty professor, who kind of deserves it.

"I thought kids at your age would be out of the house by now!" Alman is shocked by this.

"No, that's next year." Stan corrects him.

"Is this fuckin' kid serious?" Stan can hear another voice on the other end, but it sounded like none of the scientists or Rochester.

"Shut your goddamn mouth, Alvarez." Rochester scolds the obvious soldier on the other end, who quietly 'yes-sir's him.

"Should we tell his family?" Alman asks, sincerely not knowing what to do.

"Yes!" Rochester urges him.

Footsteps and voices are heard in the background as Stan rolls his eyes and breathes out, shrugging at Twilight, who smiles and chuckles. A minute of background conversations occur before Stan is spoken directly to again.

"Alright, we're making the phone call to your emergency phone number you listed down. We're going to urge your family to come over to the laboratory." Alman reassures Stan, who sighs.

"Great. Now when they see and hear this, they'll be worried pneumonia." Stan uses his own colloquialism.

"What was that?" Alman asks as Twilight gives the human an inquisitive glance.

"Worried sick, worried pneumonia. It's a thing I made up a while ago and I'm trying it out to see what people think." Stan elaborates to the two listening beings.

"Well, I think it's fuckin' stupid." Alman quietly mumbles on the other end of the line and the receiving feedback static is lost, showing Stan that Alman was done talking to him.

"What's going on with your family?" Twilight asks, worriedly.

"They had no idea that this was going on, and just now I had remembered about them. Being trapped in an alternate dimension on your own kind of makes you forget absent people for a brief moment." Stan sighs and sits back in one of the chairs in the center of the library.

"Also, just a question. Are you considered an...adult?" Twilight asks, only curiously.

"Not for another year. We reach adulthood at age eighteen, or so the state says. Personally, we don't fully become grown up until we're about, like, twenty five or more. So if you're wondering, I'm still technically a kid." Stan elaborates.

"Oh...so just like ponies, then." RC shoots from the hallway to the bathroom, still clad in golden torso armor.

"You don't need to keep wearing that, do you?" Stan asks, only for the sake of his bodyguard's comfort.

"Well...yeah. Especially for the crowd outside. Can't you hear it?" RC asks, going back to the table and fitting his helmet over his orange stubble.

Stan and Twilight can just now hear the faint chanting outside. The three beings stroll to the door and open it, only to find a completely different gathering of ponies. The interested ponies before-hand who initially "met" the human had gone back to their homes and jobs, as per Luna's orders Stan had thought, and a new crowd of angry eyed, foul mouthed equine stand before them, throwing xenophobic insults at the alien.

"We don't want your kind here!"

"Take your pony-eatin', dirty ass somewhere else, ya freak!"

"If you even lay a claw on my little filly, then I'm gonna stomp your brains out, jackass!"

Stan only heard about seven seconds of the oncoming barrage of the protest before closing the door, letting Twilight lock it with a key.

"What do we do now?" Stan asks the two ponies before him.

"I say we wait them out. Knowing the folk of Ponyville, a counter protest of non-bigoted kin will grab their attention long enough for the three of us to leave and commence with the research you need." RC suggests, making Twilight nod her head in agreement.

The three sit at the table, thinking of what to do to bide the time until the counter-protest is predicted to arrive. A silent, awkward ten or so minutes agonizingly crawl by as Stan thinks of ways to strike up a conversation.

"So..." He starts, Twilight's disposition lightens from bored to happily curious.

"Yes??" She asks, hoping to gain more knowledge from the alien.

"Yoooouuu wanna know more about human history?" Stan throws out, being a slight history buff himself.

"Sure! Lemme grab a quill and some paper!" Twilight is giddy to take more notes.

About an hour passes filled with Stan telling Twilight and RC of the various empires, civilizations, and wars of humanity's history, down to the finest detail he possibly could know. Twilight diligently takes notes while RC keeps his body facing the door, still spewing racist remarks from the terrified bigots outside.

"Oh, so the British put unfair taxes on their colonies because...?" The lavender alicorn tries to pry more facts from the almost mentally dry Stan.

"They're mean." RC speaks up, sounding sarcastically like a little kid.

"Exactly." Stan points at the guard.

"Seriously, though." Twilight is slightly annoyed.

"They're greedy." Stan tells what he thinks is the best answer, although he could be wrong.

A sudden crackle in his ear lets Stan know that someone's on the line. He springs out of his seat and places a finger in his ear.

"Hello?" He quickly asks.

"Stanley! Oh my god, are you okay??" A familiar voice buzzes in and then becomes clear.

"Mom! Yeah, I'm fine! I-is dad and Isabel there?" He asks, thankful to hear his own mother's voice after the near-traumatic dimension shifting experience he's had today.

"Yes, they're all here." Alman comes in over the radio.

"They've been paid a hefty sum each to keep this a secret. If the secret somehow gets out...well...you know what will happen; same thing will happen to you, too." Rochester comes in over the radio, but in a grave voice.

"Wait, what??" Stan could hardly believe what he's heard.

"Yes. I apologize, but that has to happen. You did sign this government sanctioned contract." Alman reminds the interdimensional human.

"I swear to god--" Stan begins to shout, but then is cut off by Rochester.

"You can't do anything about it. It's not like we would let you back or anything." The general tells the explorer.

Stan almost tears the earpiece off and throw it across the room out of fear and rage, but then remembers that if he just does what they tell him to do, then they'll let him--and his family--go.

"It's alright Stan. We're fine." A familiar paternal voice comes over the line.

"Can you at least tell me what they paid you, dad, so I know how secret this whole project of theirs is?" Stan asks. The two ponies before him are incredibly confused; the protests outside double in volume as a new set of voices accompany the bigotry with love-speech.

"Enough to get your mom, you, Isabel, and you into retirement as soon as you come back home." Dad replies, assuring Stan that everything will be fine as he comes back.

"Jesus Christ..." Stan slowly states.

"JC I know! Now off to work with you, young man! I will keep your family posted on any new information about you." Alman cuts the line.

"What's going on?" RC asks.

"They invited my family to see the portal they sent me here in. They also paid them a shit load of money to keep their mouths shut about it." Stan enlightens the ponies.

"That's great!" Twilight reasons.

"Yeah, but if they don't keep it a secret, they'll kill my family and strand me here for the rest of my life...or kill me too." Stan sighs distressingly.

"Well, we don't have time to waste! Let's go out there and complete the mission." RC unlocks the door, opening it.

Outside are two large groups of ponies gathered on both sides of the library door, both throwing insults, eggs, and toilet paper at each other. One side is familiar, the bigot side, while the other side is advancing on them, eggs and toilet paper at the ready.

"Is this the tolerant bunch you've predicted?" Stan asks RC, who shrugs and charges out into the fray, knocking ponies aside and creating a pathway for a few seconds.

Stan and Twilight only take that few seconds to think before following the guard through the pony-trench and into the town...

The Pink One and the Rainbow

After sprinting through the protest turned melee, the three find themselves within what would be considered the center of town. A large, carousel-like building juts from the middle of a dirt round-a-bout, adorned with flags bearing the sigil of a golden Earth Pony. The buildings around the dirt circle are caked with signs, advertising shops, products, and various services; the doors remain ajar, with customers and employees within gazing on at the human with wonder and caution.

"...and here's the Town Hall." Twilight points her hoof at the enormous municipal government building before the three.

This tour has been going on for about ten or so minutes, and already RC shows a bleak expression of extreme boredom, while Stan feigns interest, however being on the same boat as the royal guard.

"Lemme guess, town hall stuff happens in there?" Stan asks, receiving a snort from RC.

"Yep." Twilight says simply, expertly playing into Stan's joke.

Stan thinks hopelessly for a couple seconds on how to give him levity from the tour, not that he didn't find it interesting, it's just that something else has been eating away at him.

"I don't wanna sound rude, but could I to meet some of your friends? Applejack said that all of y'all have some kind of special magical bond, or whatever." Stan pulls out of his ass. He knows damn well who her friends are and what bond they have.

"Sure! I wasn't aware that AJ told you that." Twilight smiles, beckoning the two beings to follow her.

A tight, dusty road packed with linen and wooden stalls stands near-empty, as the surrounding buildings spout countless eyes of curiosity from a rainbow of equine faces. Several smaller ponies, probably foals, stand in an alley to the left of the group, idly chattering. They spy Stan, who smiles and waves, and drop their mouths, standing bug-eyed in front of the alien; Stan then continues to follow Twilight and RC.

***************

"Here's our first stop." Twilight discloses to the group as they near a new building.

It is cream-colored building with a chocolatey roof, held together by what looks like frosting, but is probably just mortar. The door stands ajar, exhaling smells of baked goods, icing, sugar, and all other manners of food.

"Is this a bakery? Seems a bit bubbly to be someone's home." RC asks, looking inquisitively at Twilight.

"My friend lives in the apartment above the store." Twilight explains.

The three walk cautiously inside, not wanting to draw any more attention to themselves as not to alert the furious brawl still audible from the library.

Inside, an array of counters, ovens, display cases litter the walls and floor. The near overwhelming flavor of cakes and icing fill Stan's lungs via his nose. Still as bubbly and inviting as it was on the outside, the shop area was also populated by two other ponies, one a light blue and another a yellow. The two ponies gasp in surprise as the group of three enter the door. Stan could smell the sugary, homey mixture of baking brownies as his attention was directed towards the two workers as the gasp was heard.

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. We're just showing our new friend around town." Twilight greets the two ponies before her as they eye me up.

"Well...hello, Twilight. Who's, uh, who's your friend here?" Mrs. Cake, asked as she took her eyes off of me and switched her gaze over to Twilight.

"I'm Stan. I'm an alien." Stan speaks up.

"I can tell..." The yellow stallion, Mr. Cake spoke softly, then was nudged gently by his wife. He shook his head and gave a genuine smile. "Well, Stan, we've plenty of things here to buy, so just take a look around and see what you want."

"Thank you, but we're actually here to see Pinkie." Twilight cut the human off before he could respond.

"Oh, well we're not stopping you. Go on right ahead. She and Rainbow Dash are letting their pets have a playdate." Mrs. Cake smiles, then returns back to work whisking some brownie batter whilst keeping an eye on the alien.

***************

The climb up to Pinkie Pie's room wasn't too long. Twilight slowly pushed the door open with a hoof and invited Stan and the quiet RC inside. Pink walls surrounded the three as two ponies stood in the center, watching a small toothless alligator stand atop a slowly moving turtle.

One of the ponies, a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail turned and sharply gasped.

"Ohmygod, what is that thing??" She sputtered in surprise as she quickly took flight and hovered around Stan, eyeing him up. "And why does it look like a monkey? Twilight, did one of your spells go wrong and mess up a monkey?"

"No, Rainbow. He's an alien--" The lavender alicorn was cut off as Stan was tackled to the ground by a sudden pink blur.

"Ohmygoshit'sanalien!!" Stan found a pink mare with a bubbly mane and tail atop him, pinning his shoulders to the ground as she shook her tail in excitement. "I'vebeenwaitingsolongtomeetoneofyouohmygosh--"

Stanley quickly cut off the pink pony by placing both of his hands over her mouth. Despite this, she still continued to talk at lightning speed, even completely muffled by the human's hands.

A few seconds go by and Stan releases his hands, only to find that the pink horse was still talking. He quickly pushed his hands back over her lips as she obliviously continued.

"She's, uh...friendly?" The camouflaged human said as he shimmied his way from under Pinkie's hooves.

"Stan, I'd like you to meet Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie." Twilight said proudly as she magically levitated Pinkie a few feet away, allowing the alien to stand back up.

"Wow! I thought I'd never get to meet a real life alien!" She excitedly spoke, hopping around on all fours in a circle around Stan.

"So...you're from another planet, eh?" Rainbow Dash asked, at poking his gear with a hoof. "Then what's the guard for? Aren't you supposed to have a laser blaster or somethin'?"

"I'm just here for science." The Pennsylvanian simply put, shrugging and letting Dash poke at him.

"Which is why I'm here, to make sure nobody hurts him." RC finally spoke up, shifting his armor slightly upwards.

"Jesus, you know how to speak? Haven't heard you in an hour." Stan joked.

"I know, right? It's like I turn invisible." RC grunted with a laugh. "What the hell is a Jesus anyway..." He almost silently added.

"Ooh! What planet are you from? Do you have a spaceship? Do you have a laser gun? Is that your skin, or just some clothes?" Pinkie rattled off in quick succession.

"God Dam--uh, gosh darnit. Do I have to redpill everyone on humans again?" Stan turns to Twilight with a feigned look of exasperation.

"Maybe later." She suggests, nodding to Rainbow and Pinkie.

"Aww, but I've never met a real life alien before! Can we come with??" Pinkie pleads in an overly-dramatic manner, getting down on her knees and holding her front hooves together. Rainbow Dash snickers at this while Twilight rolls her eyes.

"I can't say no to those eyes." Stan says to Twilight as Pinkie's eyes well up puppy dog style with crocodile tears.

"Why not?" Twilight shrugs and smiles.

Pinkie cheers and hops around in excitement. "Ohmygoshthis'llbesofun!!"

"You wanna tag along, too?" Stan asks Rainbow Dash, who nods. "Beats doing nothing, I suppose. I'm in."

Stan turns to Twilight. "Who're we meeting next?"

"Rarity and then Fluttershy." She explains. "Wait, who's gonna watch Gummy and Tank?"

"Oh, don't worry. They play nice by themselves." Pinkie chirps.

Everyone shifts their attention to the turtle gently resting on his back whilst the alligator stands next to him, slowly blinking one eye at a time.

"Well, I guess we're off then." RC breathes, heading back downstairs as the group follows him.

Author's Note

SO IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO GET AROUND TO DO THIS SHIT AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKING KILL ME PLEASE