Trapped in Canterlot

by Wuten

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 5090

You are Anonymous, and the rest of the world can kiss your glorious ass for all you care.

A one-shot that I wrote for Anon in Equestria's 700th thread over on /mlp/.

Living in Fillydelphia has taught you a lot about how getting up in the world works. You have to look out for yourself, otherwise everything goes up in flames. But when you see a flyer informing you of a celebration in Canterlot, where the jewels of the kingdom will be on-display for all to see, will you resort to petty theft to collect your fortune?

Of course you will. Because the world can kiss your glorious ass for all you care.

Featuring a musical cover of "Robot Hell" by the author himself. Meaning me. Enjoy the tears of my shame.

Also, first Bender post I see of someone saying something along the lines of "you know what it is" gets the boot. One of my spiked rocker boots from back in high school.

Published 2013-05-12 13:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-12 13:00:02 UTC

Trapped in Canterlot

Trapped in Canterlot

“You lost again.”

“Aw, horse pellets!” the stallion grunts angrily, slamming his hoof on the table. “You must’ve cheated!”

Pulling the cigar from your mouth, you let out a small puff of smoke before scooping up the bits in your hand. “Better luck next time, buddy.” You give him a toothy grin before stuffing the bits into your coat pocket.

“W-wait! One more, all or nothing!” he clamors up to the table, almost to the point where he’s standing on it himself.

“Ooh, tempting offer, but…” You chuckle, slowly easing him off with a finger. “I don’t think you have any more bits to spare, do you?”

He checks his pockets, before letting out a loud groan and stomping off.

You chuckle to yourself, picking up the five cups off the table, along with the marble, and standing up, tucking them away in your coat.

"Ponies are such gullible idiots…" you think to yourself, taking another puff of the cigar before tossing it away to the curb. How he didn’t catch you switching the ball out, you may never know…

You are Anonymous.

And the rest of Fillydelphia can kiss your glorious ass for all you care.

You were always taught to enjoy the finer things in life whenever possible. Money, women, power, all were yours for the taking.

And of course, like anyone else who went after that sort of thing, you fucked up somewhere along the way, and ended up… here. Except you’re not entirely sure where “here” is. All you remember is collapsing on the side of the road in a drunken heap, then waking up in this strange new world.

Still working out whether it’s a hallucination or not.

But! That’s beside the point; you’ve got a whole new world to make your own oyster, Anonymous!

You give another grin as you walk down the street, before a flyer finds its way across your face, and you’re stopped in your tracks.

Pulling it off your face, you stare down at it.

“Hm… Princess Celestia, holding a ceremony in Canterlot?”

Reading further down, something very peculiar catches your eye.

“…As well as the Elements of Harmony?”

Thinking back, you remember reading somewhere that the Elements of Harmony were powerful artifacts used in Celestia’s confrontation with her sister who had gone batshit crazy, or something.

Not important. The important thing was the “artifacts” part of it all…

How much money could you possibly fetch for such priceless artifacts as those?

Thinking for a moment, your grin grows even wider. “Planning must be done for this one… Anonymous is coming to Canterlot to pay the Princess a very… special visit…” You chuckle to yourself, walking down the street to your apartment.

Thinking upon all of your past endeavors, you can’t seem to formulate one scheme quite as big as this one.

Most, if not all of your previous endeavors were simply parlor tricks, bets, or just pure luck. Nothing was ever planned out aside from the initial setup; everything went by touch and feel.

And that’s what has you in this state. Sitting at your table, in a rather comfortable chair, thinking up… well, whatever came to mind, really.

“Spike the punch?”

No… She probably has taste testers…

“Take them by force?”

Are you fucking insane? She’ll have hundreds of guards on you the second you even get NEAR those artifacts!

C’mon Anon… think…

Then… it comes to you.

It’s madness. You would put yourself into a mental institution if it weren’t so insanely brilliant as well.

“That’s it… I’ve got it!” Slamming your fist onto the table in victory, you begin to plan…

“Oh Princess... you're not ready for this, no matter how much you prepare…”

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight exclaims, running up to you.

“Oh! Twilight, it’s so good to see you.” You smile down at your student, who seems a bit… distressed?

“What is the matter, my student?”

“It’s…” she pants for a few seconds, before continuing. “It’s Discord, he’s… at it again…”

That’s the third time this week! What could that draconequus be up to this time around?

You nod, standing from your throne and walking down the stairs, across the brilliant red carpet running to the doors of the throne room. “I will speak to him, Twilight. Do not worry yourself; are your friends enjoying their stay in Canterlot?”

“Oh yes, your Majesty; they’re very excited for the ceremony coming up. But… Princess?”

You turn your head to her, stopping. “Yes?”

“Are you sure it’s safe? I mean, we’re going to have ponies, gryphons, zebras, all sorts of different races here in Canterlot!”

“What do you mean, Twilight?”

She leans up to you so as to whisper, and you lean your head down to compensate for her lack of height. “I’ve overheard a few of the guards talking lately… they’re worried about the gryphons especially trying something.”

Oh boy… the guards have Twilight worried again…

You chuckle lightly, comforting her a bit. “Do not worry my faithful student; everything is being taken care of. I’ve made arrangements for any occurrence. Especially after the last incident with the Changeling invasion…”

You shudder visibly, but just barely. You still remember the feeling of being cocooned in that queen’s… ooh… you just don’t want to think about it!

“I have become smarter about security from that. Nothing will happen without my knowing about it.” You begin walking once again. “Now, to deal with Discord… again…”

Hm… would the cotton candy clouds be a nice touch to the party? Or, maybe… oh! Perfect!

“And then he said, ‘Let there be life!’” With a snap of your fingers, the magnificent ice sculpture before you springs to life, performing a catchy dance on the table, knocking off various dishes and glasses. “Oh, delightful! What else is there…?”

Sliding through the air like a snake, you come across a giant fountain in the center of it all. “This is almost too easy.”

Chocolate water fountain. So you have willed it, so it shall be!

“Discord!”

Uh oh. Princess Sunbutt caught you.

“Ah! Celestia!” You turn to her with a toothy grin. “What do you think? I think this is quite the improvement, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Discord, put the sculpture and fountain back to normal! This instant!”

Ugh, so boooooring. You hate that she gets to boss you around like this now.

But hey.

“Fine…”

Beats being stuck in stone for another thousand years or more.

Snapping your fingers, the fountain and sculpture return to their normal, boring selves. “There. Happy?”

“Discord, what are you doing out here?” she asks, raising an eyebrow at you.

“Well, as you know, chaos doesn’t exactly enjoy being confined to a small space.” Landing on the ground, you walk over to her. “I was just… stretching. Getting some fresh air.” Sliding up to her, you wrap your slender body around her, brushing her snout lightly with your tail before walking off.

She huffs angrily, and you feel her eyes glaring with the force of a thousand suns into your back.

Or in this case, one giant sun that was actually setting one of your wings on fire.

Totally worth it.

At last! Your plan is complete. Every single possible outcome calculated; nothing could possibly surprise you.

Alright. Now all you need are your travel supplies and… hm…

Now that you think about it, you don’t really carry around much yourself. Perhaps a suitcase of things? Yes, that should do nicely. Turning on the lights in your apartment, you search around every single nook and cranny, until finally you see it…

“There we go! A bit rough-looking, but it’ll do.”

Pulling it out into the open, you can see there are a few scratches along the outside of the leather, but it’s nothing to be worried about; your outfit to begin with was a bit… lacking, in the refined department.

“Now then… time to pack. Canterlot awaits, and with that my fortune…”

The train ride to Canterlot was long. And boring.

You began to smoke another cigar on the way there. Some mare came up to you telling you some bullshit about “smoking is bad, you shouldn’t do that” or some shit.

You tossed the cigar out the window and grabbed a beer bottle out of your suitcase instead.

Annoying bitch kept telling you how to live your life.

Taking a swig of the drink, you looked her dead in the eyes and twitched your left eye just a tad. That weirded her out a bit too much for her tastes, causing her to step back and trip over a seat.

Chuckling to yourself, you returned to nursing the bottle until the end of the trip.

Walking off the train, you immediately notice a difference between Fillydelphia and Canterlot; for one thing, you notice a lot more of the stuffy, upper-class ponies walking the streets.

Also the smell is different. Cleaner? Yeah, you’ll go with that.

“Welcome to Canterlot!” a small colt runs up to you, holding up a flyer. “You must be here for the ceremony up at the castle!”

Hm…

“Yeah. Can you point me in the right direction? It’s been a while since I’ve been to Canterlot, It’s changed quite a bit…”

Hiding your bottle away in your coat, the colt nods. “Sure! Follow me!” he says, turning around and walking.

Well. This might be easier than you thought it would.

Something has shifted in the winds…

…Or maybe that’s just the bean burritos you had the other night. Ooh… those were delicious. Not very pleasant coming out the other end, though.

Not important! Celestia thinks she can just trap you and not let you join in the festivities! You are the spirit of Chaos! Disharmony! You ruled the land before those two came to power!

Stamping over to the door, you try opening it, to no avail.

Curses. She must have locked it from the outside…

No matter! Plan B it is!

Hm… You’re going to need a table and a mirror for this…

“Here we are, sir! Canterlot Castle!”

“Hey, thanks kid!”

He just stands there for a moment as you walk towards the castle, before speaking up. “Um, sir?”

“Yeah?”

“I... I’m running on hard times a bit, and well… um… every bit helps, y’know?”

“Yeah? What of it?”

“Oh… Nothing, nevermind,” he says, lowering his head a bit before walking off.

Heh. Stupid kid. You’re not one for charity cases anyway.

“Now, to scout out this place-”

“Halt!” you hear a gruff voice come from the side as you approach the castle entrance. “What business do you have here?”

It’s a pale white unicorn guard, a stallion clad from head to hoof in golden armor, with another armored mare at his side. Probably two of the Royal Guard.

“I’m… here as an ambassador?”

Real smooth. Time to back it up!

“An ambassador from… Terra. Yes, Terra, and I’m… well, to be completely honest, I’m a bit lost. I don’t suppose I could have one of you show me around the castle, could I?”

He thinks for a moment, and then nods to the guard next to him. “Show him around, I’ll check with the Princess to see if there are any ambassadors from Terra coming to the ceremony,” he says, before galloping off.

Well, so much for that part of your plan. But no matter! You at least have time to learn from this other guard.

“Shall we begin?” she gives you a smile and a bow of her head before turning to look at the castle. “It really is quite the magnificent piece of architecture, um…” she looks up at you, “What was your name again?”

“Just call me Anonymous. Anon, for short, if you like.”

She nods, as she begins leading you through the castle, teaching you of its rich history and something-or-other about a battle and something else about the Elements-

“Wait, backup; what was that about the Elements of…?”

“The Elements of Harmony? Oh! They are held in a chamber deep in the castle; only a select few are allowed in. Not even we guards are allowed in; it’s said that only the Princess herself can open the door containing the Elements.” She taps her hoof on the floor, the sound echoing through the room. “Besides, only the Bearers of the Elements can use them, so there’s really no point to it, is there?”

“The Bearers? I don’t follow.”

“Ah. Well, if you spend enough time around the castle, you might see one or two of the- Oh!” she interrupts herself, her eyes widening as she spots a mare walking through the chamber.

You turn towards the direction she’s facing, to see not just one mare, but a second one as well walk in behind her.

“C’mon Twi, what more could we possibly need to do anyway?” the second mare, a pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail, lets out a groan, floating upside-down above the purple one.

“The Princess needs us to make sure that everything goes off without a hitch! Even if she doesn’t directly say it, I can tell she’s bothered about something…” the purple unicorn replies with just as much enthusiasm as her friend.

Hm… this could work…

“Is she one of them?”

“They both are,” the guard nods. “Twilight Sparkle, bearer of the Element of Magic, and Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty…”

“Huh.”

Placing your fingers to your lips, you let out a sharp whistle, immediately getting the attention of the two mares, as well as possibly shattering the eardrums of the guard standing next to you. “‘Ey! Hi there!”

The two mares turn to face you, eyes wide with surprise. They mutter a few things to each other, before approaching you.

“Hello,” the purple one, Twilight, begins, eyeing you with a perplexed look on her face. “And you are…?”

“Oh, I’m an ambassador from Terra, a far off kingdom. I heard of what a grand, marvelous city Canterlot was, and decided to pay a visit for the celebration happening at such a convenient time as now.”

Please work, please work, please work…

Her eyes widen, and she smiles. “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you! I’m Twilight Sparkle, and this,” she motions a hoof to her blue counterpart, “Is Rainbow Dash.”

You take a low bow, smiling a charming grin. “Anonymous. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.” You nod to the guard. “I think I can find my own way from here. Thank you for everything.”

She smiles. “Of course! If you need any further assistance just look for one of the guards and we’ll be more than happy to help!” And with that, she takes her leave, going back to her post.

Perfect. One less guard to worry about.

The pegasus has been eyeing you for a while now, though. Could potentially be trouble. “So… where’d you say you were from again?”

Hm. Looks like this one will need a bit more convincing. “I’m from Terra, a land very far away from this place. I doubt even the Princess has memories of it nowadays, it’s been quite a while since much contact was made between our kinds.”

“Huh. Must be why I’ve never heard of that place, either,” she says, shrugging. “Ah well, you seem alright so far, so as long as you don’t try anything funny, we’re cool.”

You chuckle and nod in response. “Of course.”

“So, how are you liking your stay so far, Anonymous?” Twilight smiles up at you, “I’d imagine it’s a lot different where you’re from?”

You chuckle again, this time sitting down against the wall. “Oh yeah. A lot colder where I’m from. Probably don’t even need my coat for this weather, but…” Grinning, you remember the collection of belongings you brought along with you. “I’d prefer to keep it. Sentimental value, keeps me remembering my home.”

Twilight nods. “I completely understand. So, what else is it like-”

She’s interrupted by a loud bang coming from far away, though the sound echoes through the halls of the castle enough to where it sounds almost as if it came from right next to you.

“What was that?!” she yelps out, and your eyes widen in surprise. What -was- that?

“Oh, finally I got out!” you hear a male voice’s echo, definitely, but… was it the guard from earlier?

No, he had a deeper voice than this. This one seems more… Random? A bit raspier tone, yes. Almost like he was trying to sound suave, but it was coming out… well, wrong.

“Discord!” Twilight exclaims, and turns to the noise angrily. “He got out again…”

“Discord?”

“He’s not bad or anything, just…” Rainbow Dash begins, but stops herself for a moment. “Okay, maybe he is just a tiny bit evil, but-”

“No time for that, Rainbow! We need to make sure Discord doesn’t try anything funny, especially when he’s out like this. You remember what happened last time when he was left unattended…”

The blue pegasus nods, groaning a bit in response. “Yeah…”

Standing up, you look down at them. “What should I do?”

“Get somewhere safe, where he won’t try to make you into something you’re not,” Rainbow nods to you, looking around the room. “Down there!” she points to a flight of stairs, nestled in the corner of the room.

“But Rainbow, that’s-!”

“No time, Twi, we’ve gotta get to Discord quickly!” Rainbow interrupts her friend, and the two of them run off, with you heading in the opposite direction to the stairs.

Is this…?!

Yes! It is!

The chamber that the guard had told you about before! The Hall of the Elements!

Looking around, the architecture of this room is absolutely beautiful, a stunning work of art in and of itself. And at the end of the hallway… the door.

The one thing standing between you and your fortune.

Approaching it cautiously, you slowly and gingerly place a hand on it. Smooth as steel, but from the feel of it it’s probably even harder and thicker than that.

Time to get to work.

Setting down and opening your suitcase, you pull out a whole manner of gadgets and contraptions you had specifically prepared for this moment. “Hm… first things first, check for any sort of impurities in the door, any crack will do…”

Taking a magnifying glass, you scour over every last inch of the door, searching for even the smallest crack in the material…

…To no avail.

No matter! It looks like some kind of keyhole works in the middle; perhaps it just requires some sort of large lockpick?

Looking through your tools, you pull out a makeshift drill that you had planned to use for the first part, and plunge it inside the socket. Strangely enough, it fits.

Turning it left and right, however, no matter how hard you try, the door doesn’t even budge in the slightest. “Damn… what I wouldn’t give to have magic right about now…”

“That can be arranged...”

Your eyes widen and your pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks as you look around frantically, trying to find the source of the voice. “Who’s there?”

“Or, of course, you could be like me and have no need for the Elements of Harmony,” the voice chuckles, and a snake-like creature morphs out from the wall, “Besides, what good is it to have the Elements if you can’t use them?”

It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. A goat head, an antler, a bat wing, a bear claw, a talon… what the hell is this thing?

“Oh, forgive me for not introducing myself first,” he chuckles again, completely morphing out from the wall, standing before you. “Discord, Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. And you are?”

He’s giant; at least nine or ten feet tall in stature, not including the length of his tail swishing around behind him.

“A-Anonymous. What are you doing here?”

“Oh? That’s quite an interesting name you have there. How about just ‘Anon’ for short, hm?” he grins down at you, his one large tooth and general disposition giving him a strange feeling of… charisma? No, that can’t be it…

“Yes, ‘Anon’ works perfectly!” he laughs, floating in the air. “Now, what is it you’re after?”

“Well,” you knock on the enormous slab of a door you’ve been working on trying to crack for the past few minutes now, “this isn’t exactly the easiest door I’ve come across.”

“Oh, is THAT all?” The creature looks… disappointed. “You’re just trying to take them? Really? No elaborate plan beyond that?”

“Well… not that I had thought of. I’d thought I could make a pretty coin or two from them, but-”

“So you’re stealing six of the most powerful artifacts in all of Equestria, just so you can pawn them off for some chump change?” He scoffs at the idea, shaking his head and landing. “That’s not chaotic at all! That’s just boring, in fact! You have to think bigger, Anon!”

He grabs your wrist with his talon, snapping his bear claw fingers, causing your tools and briefcase to disappear.

“What are you doing?!”

“Teaching you a lesson, kid. Now pay attention,” he grins, snapping his fingers again, and immediately you feel a gripping pain as your body is sucked into a singularity and broken apart at the atomic level, only to be reformed again…

“Anonymous?” you hear a female’s voice. Was it…

“Twilight?”

“Oh dear, wrong place. Let’s try again…” Discord snaps his fingers once again, and you feel the same painful sensation as before wrack your body before reappearing…

“There he is!” a deep voice booms through the hallway. “There’s the intruder, get him!”

It’s the stallion guard from before! Looks like he got his facts straight…

“Oh dear. Looks like you’ve made quite a few friends here, Anon, haven’t you?” he chuckles, snapping his claws again. Once again feeling the similar feeling, you’re starting to go numb from the pain…

“Are you ready for your time alone with the Princess of the Night?” you hear a sultry voice, and turn to see a tall, dark blue pony talking to…

…A piece of cake?

You visibly cringe at the thought of what she could be implying by that…

“Euugh… I didn’t need to see that side of Luna,” Discord groans, sticking his forked tongue out in disgust and covering his eyes with his arm, before snapping his fingers once again.

After feeling your body rip itself apart and put itself back together for the fourth time, you really hope he finds where he wants to go soon…

“Ah! Here we are,” you hear him laugh out, and your blurred vision returns after a few seconds, revealing…

“What is this place?”

“I suppose you could call it my ‘room’, if you will. Here, I can cause as much chaos as possible, completely unrestricted, except…” he groans, pointing to the door, “That door restricts my chaos from unleashing any further…”

“Then how did you get out in the first place?”

“Simple, really. All I needed was a mirror and this table here.”

What? “How does that work?”

“Oh, it’s easy!” he laughs, snapping his fingers, a hand-mirror materializing in the air. “I simply look inside the mirror, like this,” he takes it and turns, looking at you from inside the mirror. “I see what I saw, so I take the saw…”

And suddenly he has a saw. Huh.

“…And I saw the table in half, like so,” he says, and does so, cleaving the table into two even halves. “Now, two halves make a (w)hole, correct?”

“Yes. What of it?”

“Well, after that I just jump through the hole, like this!” he laughs, jumping through the hole, and appearing behind you. “Of course the other side of the hole would be outside the door in that case, but you understand, right?”

“…Yeah, I think…” What the hell are you talking about? This thing makes no sense whatsoever! “But why have you brought me here?”

“I told you already,” he says, beckoning you over. “I’ve watched you for a while, Anon. I know what you’re here for. And I’m not very happy to see it...” Snapping his bear claw, you feel the world warp around you, a change of scenery from the boring room with a sawed-in-half table.

And then you hear it. Music.

Music for the moment...

“Aww, crap; singing. I’m out…”

As you turn, the door out warps and disappears, causing you to gasp out a bit in surprise. Turning back, all you see is that creature giving you a toothy grin, his disproportionate eyes transfixed on you as he levitates into the air.

“Stealing’s evil, you won't miss it,”

“We'll find ways to simulate the feel,”

“What a sorry trickster, never has he been the victor!”

“Here in Canterlot you’ll get your meal!”

Snapping his fingers, your briefcase appears, the tools pouring out onto the now-fixed table.

“Lying's wrong and so is cheating;”

“So is trying to steal royal crowns.”

“Let's let Lady Luck decide if petrifaction's justified;”

“Let’s hope you get a view of town!”

Wait, petrifaction? He was thinking of turning you to stone?!

He grins, chuckling a bit. “You’re looking a bit stiff there, Anon…”

Frantically clamoring up to the table, you respond. “Just tell me why!”

A book appears in his talon. “Just read this fifty-five page warrant.”

“There must be creatures worse than I!”

He shrugs. “We’ve checked around, there really aren’t…”

Your hands are sweating a bit. “Then please, let me explain; my crimes were merely boyish pranks!”

He looks at you with a bit of an annoyed expression. “You stole from stallions, mares and banks!”

Taking the tools into your hands, as well as a few utensils from the table, you try to make a run for it. “Aw, don’t blame me, blame my upbringing!” You aren’t moving anywhere, however; it’s as if the floor under you is a moving treadmill…

“Please stop stealing while I’m singing,” he sighs, taking the utensils back from you.

Picking you up by the back of your coat, he plops you back down into the seat at the table.

“Stealing bootleg tapes is wrong,” he says, pulling out a CD player out from thin air, setting it on the table, “It’s just musicians trying to leave their mark…”

Pressing the ‘Play’ button on the CD player, you hear a familiar voice come from it. “Hey, Anon, gonna make some noise, when your ears get scratched by the Beastie Boys!”

A scratching noise ensues, and it truly feels as if your ears were being scratched repeatedly to create it. “That's what-cha, what-cha, what-cha get in Canterlot Park!”

This continues for several minutes…

Busting down the door into Discord’s ‘room’, Twilight and Rainbow Dash immediately are sucked into it, and find themselves traveling through large tube-like objects through what can only be described as a dimension where all concepts of reality are thrown out the window…

“…I’m getting bored,” Dash groans, turning to Twilight.

Twilight looks to her friend, sighing. “It’s up to us to rescue him!”

“But,” the pegasus retorts, “Maybe he likes it with Discord?”

Twilight shakes her head. “It's us who tempted him to sin…” She sighs. If it wasn’t for them pointing him in the direction of the Hall of the Elements of all places, things may have turned out better…

“There should at least be some reward…” Rainbow sighs, shifting a bit uncomfortably as they travel down further into Discord’s realm.

“C’mon Dash, don’t be scared, I’m sure at least one of us will be spared,” Twilight giggles, nudging her friend reassuringly with her elbow. “So just sit back and enjoy the ride!”

“My flank has blisters from the slide…”

Discord is completely batshit insane, you’ve realized this now. “Stealing gemstones, running moonshine helping write those gossip column spreads...”

How did he even know about those?!

“You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in grape flavored slime!” Well, might as well play along… Enjoy the last few minutes of your sane life you have. “You'll suffer 'till the end of time…”

“Enduring tortures; most of which rhyme…”

His eyes widen in surprise, but his grin never leaves his face.

“Trapped forever here in Canterlot!”

He laughs, clapping his paw and claw together. “Now that’s the spirit, Anon!” he exclaims, patting you on the shoulder. “Chaos is all about being random and spontaneous. Petty theft and all that jazz? Pfft, no time to worry about it, at least for creatures like me,” he chuckles to himself.

You nod, chuckling a bit. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Well, I suppose I should return you to the world out there, eh?”

Your eyes widen frantically. “N-no wait, STO-”

You never even get to finish your sentence before he snaps his fingers.

Appearing in what you can only think to describe to yourself as the Hall of the Elements, you wake up to find that you’re surrounded by royal guards of every kind.

“Halt! You’re under arrest for theft, trespassing, fraud, and the disappearance of two of the Elements of Harmony!” the gruff stallion from earlier today stands before you.

Wait, what was that last part?

“But I had nothing to do with that!”

“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, jury, and executioner…” he scoffs, turning around as more royal guards take his place, horns glowing, halberds raised, and wings flared.

You’re going to most likely be in prison for a very long time…

This isn’t good; you’ve heard stories of Canterlot Prison… terrible stories…

But that does raise the question, you wonder; what did happen to those two ponies, you wonder?

“So he was a fraud all along?!” Twilight gasps, eyes widened in shock.

“That’s right,” Discord nods, sipping a cup of chocolate milk.

Dash grunts angrily. ”I don’t believe it! Oh, when I get my hands on him, I’m gonna-”

Discord holds up a paw to her. “I think you have nothing to worry about on his end,” he chuckles. “I have a feeling he’s learned his lesson…”

And so you were sentenced to life in prison, and learned very quickly to firmly grasp your hand soap to prevent… unplanned ventures…

The End

Author's Note

I know what you're thinking. "WUTEN! Where's my update for Alone? Brave New Equestria? Sonic Boom? BROWSER PONIES?!

Well fuck you. I'm doing this first.

Not really. I love you. Sexually. Except not. Because that would be gross.

~Wuten