Just As I Once Was

by Matthias Ramsey

First published May 13th, 2013 21:20

Twilight opens up a school for the gifted in order to help her select an apprentice. Little does she know what she's gotten herself into. What do you do with so many sharply contrasting personalities? How often does she need her antipsychotics, again? What do we do with the paranoid schizophrenic?
Most importantly, how will she choose her apprentice?
"Rage against Fear" cover image made by me.

Chapters

Branden Psychoanalysis Report 1923552095: Sweetie Belle
Thorndike Intelligence Quotient Assessment 202291297820: Twilight Sparkle
First Day
Interlude: A Quiet Evening
Another Day
Progress Reports
The First Semester Congratulatory Dinner
Interlude: Final Exam Results
The Selection
Before The School Year
Rorschach Psychoanalysis Report 49141125: Dinky Hooves
Epilogue: Greater Heights

Branden Psychoanalysis Report 1923552095: Sweetie Belle
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Branden Psychoanalysis Report 1923552095: Sweetie Belle

Subject: Sweetie Belle (U, age~15)
Reporting Doctor: Dr. Nathaniel Branden, D.E.P.S
Date: 8 July XXXX

Sweetie Belle is interesting to say the least.
She first came to me several months ago with her sister Rarity, accompanying the latter to her appointment. After Rarity's session, I offered to do one for Sweetie Belle as well.
What I found surprised me. She had a very low image of herself, and was very concerned with her inability to use magic.
I attempted to do what I could to help her self-esteem problem during our first session, but I hadn't been prepared to examine her psychological profile thoroughly, so I gathered little information other than a slight indication of possible bullying.
The next time she came, I was prepared. I took several tests, ending on the polygraph as I asked her about bullying.
That was when her inferiority complex became most prevalent. The more I talked to her about school, the more withdrawn and quiet she became, eventually getting to the point where she refused to speak. She seemed very anxious and paranoid, constantly looking around and wringing her hooves.
I asked Rarity if Sweetie Belle had exhibited any symptoms of paranoia or paranoid schizophrenia. She answered no, but that Sweetie Belle had recently begun having night terrors.
I kept that in mind on subsequent sessions. I mentioned the night terrors, and she seemed confused. She said she didn't remember having any night terrors. I informed her that that was a relatively common circumstance among those who have night terrors.
She expressed concern about the contents of these night terrors. She asked if there was a way I could find out what her terrors contained. I acknowledged that there was and asked her if she really wanted to know. She said yes, and I received Rarity's consent to perform hypnotherapy.
What we found shocked all three of us. Sweetie Belle was upset over both the recent death of their parents and the bullying she was receiving at school. I conferred with a colleague of mine, Hermann Rorschach, and we agreed that Sweetie Belle's night terrors were due to insomnia mingling with an overarching anxiety disorder. The paranoia and inferiority complex were brought about by the bullying she received.
At the time of this report, I have begun attempting to treat Sweetie Belle's paranoia, as it is the most severe and borders on paranoid schizophrenia.

Thorndike Intelligence Quotient Assessment 202291297820: Twilight Sparkle
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Thorndike Intelligence Quotient Assessment 202291297820: Twilight Sparkle

Subject: Twilight Sparkle (U, age ~8)
Reporting Doctor: Professor Edward Thorndike, D.E.P.S
Date: 15 August XXXX

Twilight Sparkle is a rare specimen, indeed.
I administered several dozen tests in an attempt to gauge her mental capacities, and what I found floored me.
At the age of eight, she already boasts an IQ of 165, well within the gifted range for children and considered genius in adults.
I believe that, with her level of intelligence, her gifts would be wasted even in the most accelerated gifted class a normal school could provide.
My suggestion is that she attempt to apply to an accelerated learning school, perhaps in Canterlot.

First Day
View Online

Just As I Once Was

First Day

The first day of school was filled with the typical nervous excitement. Fifteen students, all between the ages of thirteen and seventeen, had shown up to the class.
As the bell softly chimed, Twilight walked into class. "Good morning, everypony! How's everyone feeling? Nervous? Excited? So am I! Let's start by getting to know everybody, okay?" She looked around the room. "I want to make one thing clear. Everyone here has some form of physical. psychological, or mental condition, so any bullying will result in immediate nonnegotiable discharge from my academy. Are we understood?"
The assembled ponies nodded.
"Good. So, why don't we start with me, your teacher? I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle. I used to have relatively severe OCD, but I was treated for it and now only have mild OCD." She pointed to a young white unicorn with a silver mane sitting on the right side of the front row. "How about you?"
"I, uh...I'm, uh, Swar-Swarvoski...and I-I have c-cerebral pal-palsy."
"For those of us who don't know, that's a group of non-progressive, non-contagious motor conditions that cause physical disability in development, particularly in the areas of movement and speech."
"Y-Y-Yes."
She turned to the next student, a unicorn with cloudy eyes, a silver coat and a sea-spray blue mane. "What about you?"
It took a moment for the unicorn to realize she was being spoken to. "Oh! Um, I'm Stormy Sea...and I'm blind."

The introductions continued, eventually coming to the last two in the back. "And you?"
"Dinky. Dinky Hooves. I...the doctors tell me I have PTSD and misplaced aggression issues."
"Ah, I remember your application! It was the f-" She stopped herself when she remembered Sweetie Belle's inferiority complex and Dinky's superiority complex. She quickly switched tracks. "The last one I processed."
Dinky was visibly annoyed by this, but said nothing. Twilight smiled to herself. Her plan was working.
"And what about you? The one in the back with the pretty mane."
Sweetie Belle barely looked up. "You already know me, Twilight."
"The rest of the class doesn't. Introduce yourself."
"Sigh...fine." Sweetie Belle sat up a little straighter. "I'm Sweetie Belle. I have night terrors, anxiety problems, and paranoia."
"Very good, Sweetie Belle. You know, I processed your application first. It's good to have the sister of one of my best friends as one of my students."
"Well, I...thank you."
"All right! Now that we've gotten that all out of the way, I'm going to go over the curriculum for our school year. Everyone will learn at their own pace, and when everyone's done learning what you need to learn, you'll all take the exam at the same time. Does that seem fair to everyone?"
The class agreed.

Interlude: A Quiet Evening
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Interlude: A Quiet Evening

Twilight was a miserable wreck.
Every day she taught these foals, she came home feeling ten times heavier than when she'd left. She knew why: every day she taught them, she felt like she was lying to them, even though the only lies she had told were those on the first day. It's as if they were getting better while she was getting worse.
She wound up crying almost every night, and in recent weeks had even started crying in class if she got frustrated or despondent.
She slammed her hooves on the table. "That's it. I have to do something about this." She picked up the phone and dialed a number she hadn't dialed in years, not since she was...fifteen, maybe?
The phone was picked up on the third ring.
"Hello?"
"It's me. I...I really need some help."

Twenty minutes passed, and a knock came on Twilight's door. She practically galloped to answer it.
The pony standing on the other side looked almost unrecognizable to Twilight, but even though it had been eight years since she last saw this pony, she remembered.
"Winesap..."
The off-white earth pony smiled. A loose russet mane hung free about her shoulders, flowing out from under a weather-beaten ten-gallon hat.
"How're ya doin', Twi? Yer a wreck."
"Very much so, Winesap. Come on in, I'll tell you."

Another Day
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Another Day

Twilight arrived slightly late to class the next day, with a hatless Winesap in tow.
"All right, class, I-yes, Swarvoski?"
Swarvoski stammered, "I-I...uhm, wh-who's th-that, Miss T-T-Twilight?"
"I was just getting ready to introduce her, Swarvoski. This is my new assistant. Could you introduce yourself?"
Winesap smiled and nodded.
Of her own will, Winesap had agreed to assist Twilight with her work after determining that the amount of work she was doing alone was causing her a lot of stress. She had switched from farmer mode to business mode, something she did once in a while when she felt the need to be more serious.
As the daughter of an Apple and an Orange, Winesap had a mixed city and country upbringing. As a result, she was able, with a little forward notice, to drop her country accent and mannerisms in favor of a more normal tone of voice and a more secretarial or teacher-like demeanor.
"Good morning, foals. My name is Winesap."
Sweetie Belle lifted her head up slightly. "Winesap? Applebloom's cousin?"
"Yes, I am."
"But....where's your-"
"That's not important, Sweetie," Winesap said.
"That's right. I have a special assignment for you all."
"What is it?" Dinky asked, seemingly eager to please.
"I want you all to think of one emotion that best describes your disability. When you're done, just put your head down. When we're all done, we'll all take turns sharing."
"What's the point of-"
"Shhh. You'll find out. Just do it."
Slowly, the assembled students began putting their heads down, starting with Sweetie Belle and ending with Swarvoski.
"All right, heads up, everypony."
The students slowly put their heads up.
"Sweetie Belle, why don't you start?"
"....Above anything, Fear."
"Hmm. Not unexpected. Swarvoski?"
"U-um...H-Helplessness."
"Really? Interesting. Aurora?"
Aurora was blind. "Um...Confusion, I guess."
"Makes sense. Starfall?"
Starfall had polio and couldn't walk. "Hmm...Frustration."
"Really? That makes sense, though."
She went around the room, ending on Dinky.
"And what about you, Dinky?"
"...Rage. Anger. Fury. That kind of thing."
"Again, not unexpected. All right, Winesap, why don't you-"
"Tell them what that was about? Certainly. This was an exercise in self-recognition. Basically, acknowledging that which makes you weaker. Now that you know what emotion you associate your disability with, you know what you must overcome to get stronger."
Comprehension dawned on most of the assembled faces.
"Oh, I get it! That's what emotion we need to avoid when casting magic to avoid the Sombra Effect!" Diamond Dust, a half-blind, half-deaf unicorn with a serious heart condition, said.
"Precisely, Diamond Dust. Precisely."

Progress Reports
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Progress Reports

Two months later...

With the first semester of her school over, Twilight contacted the guardians of each of her students to make appointments for conferences. She requested that they bring the student with them when they came in.
The first conference she did was Sweetie Belle's. Winesap, wearing her reading glasses, sat on the right side of Twilight's desk, shuffling papers.
Rarity came in with a slightly sad-looking Sweetie in tow. "Oh, Twilight! I haven't seen you for so long, how have you-"
"It's nice to see you too, Rarity," Twilight interrupted, "but we should save this for another time. We're here to talk about Sweetie Belle."
"Oh, right, I'm sorry." Rarity and Sweetie Belle sat. "Sweetie, won't you tell Twilight what you told me?"
"Sigh....huh? Oh, y-yeah!" Sweetie leaned forward a little. "Uh...M-Miss Twilight, I-I just wanted t-to thank you. Ever since I st-started school here, my night terrors have been getting less frequent and less extreme. Not just that, I don't constantly feel like I deserve to be ignored anymore. I think it's because you're including me more in class. Thank you. I, uh...I got you this." She sheepishly handed Twilight a tinted glass rose.
"Wow, thank you, Sweetie! This is beautiful!" She carefully placed the rose on her desk. "But...we need to talk about your progression in class."
Rarity looked back and forth between them. "What's wrong?"
"Sweetie's a very bright filly. In fact, she scores almost perfect on the majority of the written tests. But on the practical tests...for lack of a better analogy, she does about as well as a bookworm in P.E. class. She really struggles with learning magic, but what I like is that she keeps trying until she gets it."
"How much does she struggle?"
"Not too terribly, but we're learning relatively basic magic here. I'm worried about how much she'll fall behind when we move on to advanced magics."
"I appreciate your concern, Miss Twilight. Now I know I have to work harder!"
"No! Sweetie, no, don't-" Twilight's words caught in her throat. "Don't turn into me. Don't..."
"Miss Twilight?"
Twilight put her head in her hooves. "When I was eight, I was accepted to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I was in much the same situation as you. I worked way harder than anyone else in my class..."
"And?"
"And it got me nothing. I got where I am now because I had potential, not because I could do the most tricks or studied the most."
"What are you saying? That I shouldn't try?"
"No. Potential is not something you force. I..." Twilight waved a hoof. "No, I'm sorry. That's all I had to say."
"All right. We'll leave then." Rarity and Sweetie Belle stood up and left.
All was quiet for a minute, then Winesap spoke softly, still shuffling papers. "You want to talk about it?"
"Not now."
"Just tell me when."
"I don't know if I'll ever want to talk about it."

The First Semester Congratulatory Dinner
View Online

Just As I Once Was

The First Semester Congratulatory Dinner

The inaugural semester of Twilight's Academy was drawing to a close, punctuated by a Congratulatory Dinner for the students and their guardians where Twilight would present the results of the aptitude tests she had put them through. As usual, Winesap sat at Twilight's right hoof, with the students arranged in no particular order along the sides.
About half an hour into the dinner, Twilight tapped her glass to get everyone's attention.
"All right, everypony. As we reach the end of the first half of our school year, I'd like to reveal why I created this academy in the first place."
Winesap smiled slightly. She knew what Twilight was doing. After all, she had given Twilight the idea.
"At the end of the school year, I'll administer a comprehensive exam to all of you. Then I'll take the results, from the exam and from the rest of the year as a whole, and select one of you to be my personal apprentice."
Audible murmurs of surprise rippled through the room.
Twilight's goal in this was simple. They would be moving on to much more advanced magics in the second half of the year, and she wanted to put the prize in sight of them so they wouldn't lose hope when they inevitably encountered issues with the advanced magics.
"Now for the results of your aptitude tests. Winesap, the lights." Twilight turned on the projector at her left while Winesap killed the lights.
"There were two main categories, each with two subcategories. The categories were Basic Aptitude and Intermediate Aptitude. Here are the results for the BLWAE, the written portion of the Basic Aptitude Exam." She flipped the slide to a chart with each student's score.
The scores were all within six percent of perfect, but what really stood out was the minuscule gap between the top score and the second place score.

Sweetie Belle-100.00%
Dinky Hooves-99.84%

Sweetie Belle gasped and clapped her hooves to her mouth, and Rarity looked amazed.
Dinky's rage was practically visible. She was shaking, and practically impervious to her mother's attempts to calm her down.

"You all did very well on the written test. The practical test wasn't too bad either." She flipped the slide. Dinky climbed up to first, whereas Sweetie Belle sat comfortably in third. Dinky's visible rage dissipated almost instantly.
"Now, the results get a lot more unique when we get to Intermediate level." Twilight flipped the slide again.
Dinky actually pounded the table when she saw the results. She had dropped from second to seventh.
The one in second, somewhat surprisingly, was Swarvoski.
Still in first with a perfect score, Sweetie Belle was guardedly ecstatic.
"Those are the written results. Now, the practical results..."
Dinky screamed in frustration when the results came up. Sweetie Belle and Rarity sat in shocked silence.

Sweetie Belle-49.62/50 points
Dinky Hooves-47.84/50 points

"I must say, these results bode well for you all. I can't wait to see how you'll all handle the final exams."

After the dinner, Dinky walked out with her mother Derpy, muttering angrily to herself.
"I won't lose to that stuck-up, prissy little whorse. She's not better than me. No one's better than me. I will be Princess Twilight's apprentice. Me! Not her, me!"

Interlude: Final Exam Results
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Interlude: Final Exam Results

The school year is over. Read these results, then come again tomorrow for my selection.

-Miss Twilight

Scores read as follows: Written (/100 points), Practical (/75 points), Composite (%/100)

Sweetie Belle: 100, 68, 96.00
Dinky Hooves: 98, 75, 98.86
Swarvoski: 99, 61, 91.43
Aurora: 96, 62, 90.29
Starfall: 98, 72, 97.14
Diamond Dust: 91, 75, 94.88
Glass Rose: 100, 64, 93.71
Elusive: 77, 75, 86.86
Dusk Shine: 93, 60, 87.43
Bordeaux: 92, 73, 94.29
Winter Wheat: 97, 71, 96.00
Heartstrings: 100, 60, 91.43
Allegro: 98, 62, 91.43
Con Dolore: 91, 69, 91.43
Sconosciuto: 90, 70, 91.43

The Selection
View Online

Just As I Once Was

The Selection

The students gathered in the courtyard the next day, eager to hear Princess Twilight's selection. When they were all assembled, she cleared her throat and began. "So this is the big day, huh? One of you is going to become my apprentice." She looked out over the assembled ponies. "Before I tell you the two candidates, I would like to explain the rules of the selection. If you are picked, you will fight the other candidate in a magic duel until one of you surrenders or I pull the plug. Understand that the conditions of this magic duel are different than a traditional magic duel. This is an actual fight."
The assembled students showed varying signs of understanding.
"All right, are you ready to hear my selections?"
"Yes," the class answered as a unit.
"My selections are...Dinky Hooves and Sweetie Belle."
Dinky and Sweetie came forward, the former glaring at the latter in a predatory manner. Dinky's long, blonde mane was tangled and knotted. It seemed as if she'd just rolled out of bed. Her tail swished back and forth, framing her cutie mark: a white circle with a black question mark in the center.
Sweetie Belle cowered a little under Dinky's hard gaze, but held her ground. Her mane was dead straight and cut a little roughly, and a mark of a stylized heart with a music note on the inside (resembling a keyhole, somehow) graced her flank.
"Do you two understand the rules?"
"Yes."
"Yeah."
"Are you prepared?"
"Undoubtedly."
"As much as I'll ever be."
"Then begin."
Dinky started almost instantly, hurling dark red magic bolts at Sweetie Belle.
Keeping a cool head, Sweetie dodged most of the dark bolts, even going so far as to absorb a few with a magic shield.
Dinky growled. "I won't let you win, you stuck-up nag. This apprenticeship is MINE!!" Dinky charged and crossed horns with Sweetie Belle.
Sweetie gritted her teeth and shrouded her horn with magic. "I won't go quietly. I have no doubt that you're better than me...but I want this just as much as you, so I'll put up a fight!!" Sweetie pushed her back. She charged, intending to catch her off-guard.
Instead, Dinky hardened her magic into a blade around her horn and made a slashing motion.
Half of Sweetie Belle's horn fell to the ground.
Sweetie Belle cried out in surprise and staggered back, eventually sagging to the ground.
Dinky stood over her foe, grinning triumphantly. "Oh, would you look at that. Poor, spoiled Sweetie can't use her magic anymore. Why don't you surrender and save yourself the embarrassment?"
Sweetie Belle's eyes flashed a brighter green, and Dinky suddenly flew backwards. Sweetie Belle struggled to her feet.
"You can't cut me off from magic just because you cut off my horn. Remember what Miss Twilight said: 'Magic is mental.'" Sweetie walked over to Dinky, who was still struggling to her feet.
Dinky lashed out at Sweetie, who easily blocked the attack.
"Damn...you...I...will...never...surrender!"
Twilight watched this continue for a few minutes, then let her voice ring out. "That is enough!!"
Both combatants stopped immediately.
Twilight walked down from her pedestal. "That's all I need to see." She turned to Dinky first. "Dinky, you had the potential I was looking for, but you let your anger control you far too easily. I would attempt to wean you from relying on your anger, but it seems to be a very deep-seated behavior. I am sorry, but you will not become my apprentice." She turned to Sweetie Belle. "Congratulations, Sweetie Belle. Though your skills may be limited, your eagerness to work hard and try learning new concepts is invaluable for an apprentice. You, Sweetie Belle, are from this day forth my apprentice."

Before The School Year
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Before The School Year

Twilight sighed, staring at the massive tower of paperwork in front of her. She had recently opened up a school for exceptionally gifted unicorns like herself, but hadn't expected more than twenty or thirty applications. Instead, she had received almost seventy.
And she had to read them all.
Twilight wasn't just looking for exceptionally gifted unicorns. More than anything, she was looking for unicorns who were....special. Ones that really stood out to her.
She sighed again and began the tedious process.
It wasn't until she reached the middle of the stack that she found an interesting one.
"Dinky Hooves, huh?" She read the report. "Hmm...PTSD and aggression problems...that seems like a challenge. I'll take it."
She sifted through the remaining applications, finding thirteen more she accepted before coming to the last one.
"Wait...Sweetie Belle? Rarity's sister? I wonder why she would apply..." She read the application. "Paranoia? Inferiority complex? Night terrors? Oh my...that's even more of a challenge than the one with a mental disability. I'll take it."
She then began the equally tedious process of writing acceptance and rejection letters.

Rorschach Psychoanalysis Report 49141125: Dinky Hooves
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Rorschach Psychoanalysis Report 49141125: Dinky Hooves

Subject: Dinky Hooves (U, age ~15)
Reporting Doctor: Dr. Hermann Rorschach, D.E.P.S
Date: 31 June XXXX

Dinky Hooves is one of the least difficult specimens I've had to analyze.
Still, it took me a long time to analyze all of her problems. The real root of the problem is buried within a proverbial thicket of other, smaller problems.
When Dinky first came in, she said she was scared. At that point I received her mother's consent to perform a polygraph test, as well as a myriad of other tests that I deemed to be necessary. I had her mother step from the room and informed Dinky that anything she told me, unless it threatened her life or the life of another, was confidential.
She agreed to tell me whatever she could. As we began the test, I asked her menial questions, taking benchmarks of her normal reactive state.
As I began to grow more personal, however, her reactions grew more and more violent, the most so when I asked about her siblings. At that point she began to close off and tried to change the subject.
She also exhibits several defense mechanisms, most prevalent among which are denial and a stubborn superiority complex. Withdrawal was also present, though not as much as the former two.
After the session was over, I concluded that Dinky exhibited signs of PTSD, though relating to what I was not sure. I asked them to return for another session, and both agreed.
During the next session, I tried to focus on the cause of Dinky's PTSD. While probing for a cause, I noticed a tendency to get very aggressive and angry when put under stress. I eventually managed to get through to her, and she confessed that she had been physically abused by her siblings in the past.
I asked her if I could inform her mother, and she hesitantly consented. I informed her mother, who was shocked by the revelation.
I have not as of yet begun to administer treatment at the time of writing this report.

Epilogue: Greater Heights
View Online

Just As I Once Was

Epilogue: Greater Heights

Sweetie Belle stood on the balcony with her sister and master, newly acquired wings folded close to her sides. Though she had mended her horn long ago, she still wore bandages on it so she would never forget why she had to mend it.
Rarity dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief. "Sweetie Belle, I...there are no words to describe how proud I am of you. Why, it seems like just last week I was here watching Twilight go through the same thing."
Sweetie Belle sighed. "Yeah, but...now I just feel...sad."
"Sad? How come?"
"My training is complete. I...I don't know what to do with myself now."
Twilight laughed lightly. "Oh, Sweetie...though you may be done training, you are never done learning."
"What do you mean?"
"All I've taught you is what I know. That is by no means all the knowledge in the world." Twilight made a sweeping gesture with her horn at the horizon outside. "Explore the world. The quest for knowledge is never complete. You have wings now. You can both literally and figuratively soar to greater heights. Who knows, maybe one day, your students will know all there is to know. You will always be a student-a student of the world-until you literally know it all. I myself know that I will not complete that goal, but who knows, maybe you or your students will."

And so, Sweetie Belle, with a newfound appetite for learning and and unquenchable thirst for knowledge, set out to travel that which her master sought: all of the knowledge the world had to offer.
Who knows, maybe one day her time as a student will truly end. But until then, there is always something new to learn. Always so much left to know.

END