I can't think of a stupid title so I won't put one
It was the afternoon, and I was tapping my finger on the edge of my desk while holding my tired head up with my free hand. I was writing my story, but no ideas came to mind.
I have finally gotten an idea, and started typing. Ooh it was good, and intriguing. I would pull in quite the amount of likes with this one. After I was finished typing, I read what I had, and I gradually accepted.
I smiled as I clicked the publish button. I had finally published chapter three of epidemic, and I was satisfied. I yawned as my daily nap was calling me. That is of course, until Derpyanator decided to jet pack his way through my window.
I threw my hands over my head in fear, to which then I looked over to the sight of my broken window. My jaw dropped, but was suddenly closed when I figured out the cause of the destruction.
"Oh it's you." I gave DP a deadpan look. He quickly got up, took the jet pack off his back, and dusted himself off.
"Dude, you said you weren't going to kill Fluttershy in your story!" DP said throwing his hands around.
"I didn't I swear!" I said, throwing my hands forward.
"Oh, I thought you had." DP and I just stood there for a while, until Fluttershy charged into the room through the window, and landed in front of me.
"Fluttershy? What are you doi-" I was rudely interrupted when she kicked me in the nuts. I fell to the floor, whimpering in pain.
"Holy crap dude!" The heartless bastard DP ran into my kitchen to grab a pack of Oreos instead of helping me. "Are you okay?" He takes a quick look at me, before deciding for himself. "Yeah you're going to be fine."
Surprisingly enough, I was able to get up on my own. Despite of Fluttershy's brutal strike, I manage to pick myself off the floor.
"Fluttershy! What the hell!?" I cry as the pain comes and goes.
"That's for thinking of killing me in your story!" She says angrily.
"Ok fair enough." I got up from my curled position, and took a deep breath. I look over to DP who is chowing down on my Oreos.
"Hey give me those!" I say before swiping the bag out of his grip.
"Hey! No! Fluttershy attack!" He screams and points at me. Fluttershy obediently did as told told, and charged at me. I quickly pulled out a vial from my pocket, and motioned Fluttershy to stop.
"Don't move! Or I'll release the virus!" The vial had a red-black liquid inside, and was labeled "Celius."
"Animal friends, attack!" Fluttershy commanded. At first, I was puzzled, but then realized the mutant rotting dead animals coming out of the ground reaching for me. One of them managed to grab my foot, and I fell. Luckily, the vial was safely in my hand, but rolled away.
After I shook the last decaying animal away from me, I got up and dusted myself off. Then I realized the vial wasn't in my grasp anymore, and I began to panic.
"Oh god. The virus. Where is the virus!?" I cried out frantically scanning the floor. Fluttershy whistled to me, and I looked over. She was holding the vial, and was wearing a hazmat suit. She meant business.
"Looking for something?" She asked, while tossing the vial up and down. I let out a nervous chuckle and gulped.
"Now, now Fluttershy. That virus can kill off millions of ponies, including you and me. So why don't we be grown ups about this, and hand it over?" I extended my arm in desperate hope that she will do as said.
"You want it? HERE!" She threw the vial at me. I panicked, and did the first thing that came to my mind. I ducked, and covered my head.
"Haha!" I yelled out victoriously. "You misse-" I was suddenly interrupted by the the bloodcurdling scream behind me. I turned and saw DP, holding his sizzling face.
"GAAAAAAH! IT BURNS! MOTHER OF GOD IT BURNS!" DP screamed out in agony.
"Oh crap." I said. Fluttershy flew towards him.
"Oh no! DP, I'm so so so sorry!" She frantically apologized. Before she can reach him, I grabbed her, and held her so that she doesn't get too close to DP.
"Lets get out of here before the virus infects us!" I picked Fluttershy up, and dashed out the door. I locked it behind me, and leaned against it. Then a pound came from the door.
"LEMME OUT! IT BURNS! PLEASE!" I knew I couldn't let him out just yet, or ever. Suddenly there was a silence, followed by a thud. I put my ear on the door, and listened.
"I think he finally died." I said, and Fluttershy began to tear up.
"I'LL EAT YOUR HEART AND CRAP OUT YOUR SOUL!" Looks like DP woke up (so quick). I flinched when he slammed into the door, saying that.
"Fluttershy! Go get Twilight! She has the cure!" I yell out to Fluttershy.
"OH GOD, MY ASSHOLE BURNS WHEN I FART, AND... DO I HAVE A BONER!?" I hold the door down even tighter, as he bangs it even harder (that's what she said).
Moments later, Fluttershy comes back with Twilight.
"Twilight! DP is infected with Celius! Are you done with the cure!?" I frantically asked Twilight.
"No! I need to research it's last ingredient!" Twilight says pulling her disease book for information.
"You need to hurry or else DP could be dead within the next five minutes!" I tell Twilight, as she scans the book.
"HURRY UP WITH THAT CURE TWILIGHT, BEFORE I START SHITTING OUT MOLTEN TURDS!" The screams from the other side of the door emit.
"It says here that the last ingredient is..." There is a slight pause as she tries to comprehend what she is reading, "regret." I lift an eyebrow to that word.
"Regret?" I asked, rather confused, but decided that my afternoon has gotten weird enough. "DP! Start feeling bad for yourself!"
"WE'LL I GOT INFECTED WITH AN IMMUNE VIRUS THAT SO FAR GAVE ME A RAGING BONER, AND IS MAKING ME SHIT FIRE. SO I PRETTY MUCH FEEL CRAPPY!"
"Anything?" I asked Twilight, hoping for good results.
"No. That isn't regret. It's rage." Twilight explains.
"FUUUUUUUUUUU-" was DP's last few words before he went silent. I put my ear on the door, and listened again.
"I think he died, for real this time." Fluttershy was now crying.
"This was my fault. I threw the virus at him." I walked over to her, and hugged her.
"It's not your fault, he started it." I tried to calm her down. Suddenly, a noise came from Twilight. Twilight pulled out a beaker from her saddlebag, (read epidemic, she carries around a saddlebag in that story) and the blue liquid inside it was bubbling.
"What's going on?" I intensively asked.
"Fluttershy's regrets activated the cure! It is now working!" Twilight says.
"Well what are we waiting for! Lets give it to him!" As I say that, Twilight's exited smile turns into a frown.
"The cure doesn't revive the dead." She said.
"Oh I'm pretty he's just passed out again." I assure, and snatch the bottle from her hand. I creak open the door a bit, and roll the beaker in.
"HEY CLOSE THE DOOR! IT'S HARD TO CLOP WITH THE LIGHT COM- ooh the cure!" The assumed DP grabs the bottle and chugs it down. To which then, he passes out. Again.
"We'll now what?" I ask Twilight.
"Game of checkers till he wakes up?" She suggests.
"Sure why not?" I say, then she pulls out the board game from her saddle bag
☣☣☣
About half an hour later
☣☣☣
"No! The knight moves diagnols! And the rookie... Thing... Moves in straight lines!" I angry protest.
"Unknown. Have you ever played chess before?" Twilight asks.
"Yes! Well no. Stop trying to change the subject!" I got up from my seat and pointed at her. "The king is allowed wherever he damn well pleases!" Twilight facehooves.
Suddenly, DP started knocking in the door.
"Hey! Can you let me out now? Really, it smells like crap in here." I walk over and open the door.
"Well then. Now that you're healthy again." I looked over to Twilight, who was pulling out a peice alof paper and quill, "Twilight here wants to know what you felt during your suffering."
"Well when it first hit my face it started to really burn like acid. I was unable to see for a few second, but when my vision finally cleared I saw that the door had slammed shut and I was overcome with rage, so I slammed into it while screaming death threats. Then I got really horny.... so I clopped, but I could feel the virus starting to burn my insides like fire and then that's when the cure slid under the door. Oh, and i have to do something." DP walked over to me.
"Can i help yo-" I was inturrupted when he kneed my nuts.
"What the hell man!?" I wheezed, "I just saved your life!"
DP doesn't reply. Instead he takes the Oreos that I had taken from him that he had taken from me, and eats.
"So did you get what you needed Twilight?" DP asked Twilight.
"For now, yes. But if any side effects kick in, please notify me immediatly." Twilight replies, and walks out of the room.
"You kind of deserve it." I hear Fluttershy whisper to me.
"For what?" I whimper back.
"For thinking of killing me." Fluttershy snorts back.
"Fair enough." I get up from my state of pain and ignore the pain (or atleast try).
"Hey you got any more Oreos?" DP asks me, as he crumbles the bag of his first one.
"Kitchen counter, top shelf." I say. Fluttershy looks at me, raising a brow as if to say 'shame on you.'
"Ok fine, bottom shelf." Stupid Fluttershy stopping me from telling him where I keep my poison.
"Thanks." He heads over to get himself another pack. When he comes back. He looks at me, and offers me half a cookie. I look over to Fluttershy with a 'what the fuck is this shit' face, and she simply replies by cocking her head to the cookie.
"No thank you." I say, facing DP, "I don't even like Oreos." Fluttershy went wide eyed. I could have sworn i saw her left eye twitch. Then she jumped on me, throwing her hooves on me with pure hatred.
"Woah. Bad move dude." DP says, still munching away at the cookies. Then Rarity makes walks in.
"Unknown? Are you her- FLUTTERSHY! WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA ARE YOU DOING!?" Rarity was obviously startled to see Fluttershy striking me.
"Don't stop her Rarity. I think she needs to get her anger out." DP says.
"But she is violently striking Unknown!" Rarity points out.
"Ugh fine." DP pulls Fluttershy off me.
"B-but he said he didn't like Oreos." Fluttershy says, using the adorable and unbreakable puppy eyes of hypnotizing terror.
"D-aaaawww, okay." DP happily lets go of Fluttershy, and once again she charges at me, tackling me to the ground and beating me once more.
Just then, Fluttershy slowly starts to fade her punches. She yawns, and falls asleep on me. I shove the snoozing pony off me. Turns out there was a dart on her plot, a tranquilizer no less. I turn to the Rarity, holding the rifle in the her hooves.
"Thanks rare." I say as I get up, "If there's one person I can count on, it's you."
"No problem deary. Might I ask who this guy is?." Rarity asks, looking a DP.
"Oh this asshole?" I say pointed to DP, "He's just Derpyanator."
"Oh I'm the asshole? You thought of killing Fluttershy with a virus, and then actually made a virus that you splashed on my face!" DP protests.
"Is this true, Unknown?" Rarity asked, facing me.
"Half of it." I reply.
"And which half may that be?" Rarity asked with a quizzical look upon her face.
"He tried killing Fluttershy with a virus." DP puts in.
"Why would you do such a horrendous act?" Rarity asked, with a disgusted look on her face.
"Some of the readers want blood, so I'll give it to them." I reply.
"In the form of Fluttershy?" Rarity points out.
"Meh." I say shrugging my shoulders. "Some people also want to cry. Other than that, I didn't try to kill Derpyanator with the virus. It wasn't my fault."
"Oh yeah. That why you ducked when it was thrown at me!" Just then AppleJack decided to enter the room.
"Hey y'all! What's with all the ruckus?" AppleJack curiously asked.
"Well, apparently Unknown here made some sort of evil... thing that Fluttershy threw at him." Rarity pointed at DP.
"That 'thing' was a virus, and I'm pretty sure Fluttershy didn't mean it." I said reassuring the situation.
"Well ah'll be. But why is Flutters on the floor?" AppleJack asked pointing at dead weight Fluttershy.
"Rarity tranquilized her." I said pointing to the rifle leaning on the doorway.
"Why Fluttershy is the most sweetest and most kindest pony in Ponyville, maybe even all of Equestria! Why would you tranquilize 'er?" AppleJack said, before taking a look at the cuts and bruises on my arms and face.
"Fullterrage?" AppleJack asked. To which we all nodded in agreement.
"I think it's more than rage. It just might be a mental disability." I say, rubbing my head.
"Maybe. Either way she is still adorable." DP points out.
"I mean come on! Not even Pinkie Pie is that crazy!" I said. As if on cue, Pinkie jumps out from my trash bin.
"Hello! I though I heard my name, so I thought somepony needed me, so I rushed over here as fast as I could!" Pinkie exclaims.
"Pinkie!" DP shouts. Pinkie looks over to him, smiles greatly, and tackles him for a hug.
"Oooooh Oreos!" Pinkie chows down the cookies whole.
"So what's going on my very bestest freinds!" She says.
"Nothing!" I reply in panic.
"Then why did you call me?" Pinkie asks.
"It's because this guy here made a v-" I shut DP's mouth shut.
"I uh... made a uh... A uh... A vase! Yes. I made a vase." I frantically say.
"Ooh. Can I see it? Oh pretty please with please on top?" Pinkie begs me.
"Uh... It's not quite finished." I nervously say with a chuckle.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie replies.
"Hey dude what the hell?" DP shoves my hand off his mouth. I lean in, and face away from Pinkie.
"Yeah um, I kind of um... Promised Pinkie I wouldn't recreate Celius. Hehe." I whisper to DP.
"Oh ok but it will cost you." DP replies with a small evil smile.
"Hey! What are you talking about?" Pinkie asks, wanting in.
"Uh grass!" DP quickly thinks. Really? Grass? That was your best excuse?
"Uh yeah. Mmmmmmm tasty grass." I follow along. DP face palms at my stupid remark.
"Uh... What I meant to say was, mmmmm for cows. Hehe." Oh nice going me. I return to the little blackmail deal we had going on.
"Three packs of Oreos every week if you keep this hushed."
"Deal."
"Why is Fluttershy sleeping on the floor?" Pinkie asks as we turn back to look at her.
"Ah um, because..." DP looks over to me, and I can see that he has nothing.
"Because she took some sleeping pills not knowing how strong they were. Ya know, because of her sleeping problems 'n all." Thank Celestia for AppleJack! "Well, ah better take 'er home now. Goodbye y'all."
"Goodbye AppleJack. Goodnight Fluttershy. Oh wait, I guess that would be, good afternoon." Pinkie Pie says, giggling at her own joke.
"I suppose it's time for me to be heading home as well. Dresses and clients and whatever I have to do back at the Carousel Boutique." Rarity waves, and we wave back.
After Rarity leaves, Twilight comes back in.
"Hey I forgot to tell you that the virus's side effects kick in after twenty-four hours." She says as she walks in. Pinkie looks over to me, raising a brow.
"I don't know what she is talking about." I tried to get myself out of trouble.
"What do you mean? You created a virus that you were going to test on Fluttershy." Twilight foolishly says.
"What?" Pinkies hair was deflating. And then it deflated (go figure).
"Wow. This just isn't your da- GAAAAAAAAHHH!" DP was interrupted when Pinkie jammed a knife into his shoulder (don't ask me where she got it. This is Pinkie we're talking about here).
"And you weren't going to tell me Derpyanator?" Pinkie rhetorically asks. Then she takes out the knife, and penetrates the knife into DP's gut.
"Oh Celestia! Please no! GAAAAAHHH" Pinkie was twisted the knife inside DP. Then she turns to face me.
"Do you like cupcakes, Unknown?" She asks me with a crooked smile. My eyes went wide, because I knew what she meant. I have read that story, and it wasn't pretty.
I put my hands up to chest level, and backed away till I hit a wall.
"Pinkie please. I didn't mean to break the promise or hurt you in any way whatsoever. I need to study the virus, and the only way I could do that would be to recreate it. Please understand." I tries to explain.
"You broke a pinkie promise." She said with a deadly tone in her voice.
"Well technically, I didn't exactly 'pinkie promise'. You joined me, in the middle of my study of the virus. You said it looked bad, and that should promise not to recreate it. I didn't want you to get infected, so I blindly agreed to get you out of the room. So as you can conclude, I was trying to protect you." I explained to her.
"I DONT CARE IF YOU WERE TRYING TO PROTECT ME OR IF YOU DIDN'T REALLY PINKIE PROMISE, YOU WHERE GOING TO KILL FLUTTERSHY WITH THAT DISEASE AND NOW IM GOING TO KILL DERPYANATOR!" Pinkie screams as she twists the knife even more.
Just then, a tranquilizer dart lands on her plot, and she falls unconscious. I looks over to the source of the shot, and saw Twilight levitating the rifle.
"Dear god. I didn't think Pinkie would be so vengeful." I said, putting my hands down.
"What made her snap!?" Twilight asked, shocked by Pinkie's violent behavior.
"I kind of made a promise." I guiltily responded.
"I'M STILL BLEEDING HERE!" DP shouted on the ground.
"Oh right." I said looking around. I walked over to my closet, and searched through it.
"Where is it, where is it?" I said looking for my mystery object. "Ah here it is." I pulled out the medic's medigun, and fire it up. I put the backpack on, and walked back to DP. I aimed it towards him, and he looked at it. He probably couldn't see it too well, his vision was most likely blurred.
"What is that?" He asked squinting his eyes at the medigun.
"Just hold still." I shot the beam at DP, and his wounds started to magically close as well as his bruises and scars.
"Wow! I feel much better now. Well then, I should be going home now, before some other crazy thing happens around here." And with that, he walked out the door.
"I should probably get this back to Rarity." Twilight said holding the rifle.
I waved to them, as they waved back. Once they left, I sat back down in the chair I started on. Then I looked at the debris of broken glass, and the busted jet pack on the floor.
Meh. I'll clean it up tomorrow. For now, I get my well deserved nap.
