Beep-Beep
You hadn't heard that noise in quite some time. It was almost foreign to you, it'd been so long. Rising from your couch, you made your way over to your closet, where the sound seemed to be originating. Opening the door, you dig through the pile of winter clothes that had been carelessly thrown there not long ago.
Eventually you came upon the source of the noise, something you'd not seen since you'd arrived in Equestria. Not sure how to react to finding a relic from home, you took the circular robot to the kitchen table for better examination. The beeping was from it being stuck, apparently. It was not a beep you missed. This waste of money had caused you many a disappointment.
You knew the thing is a piece of crap when you would follow it, pick up pieces of lint that it would miss, and place them in its path for it to try again. It had been a waste of money, but it was one of the few things you had to remind yourself of home now. When you'd arrived in this land of pastel colored ponies, various appliances of yours had been dumped on your head. Your toaster, a universal remote with no TV, a dead cell phone, and an emergency hand-crank generator.
None of which had been particularly useful, save for the rare occasion when you woke early enough and had the will power to make toast. Not to say you were lazy, but the hand-crank generator was shoddy at best. You'd tried plugging your toaster into the eerily similar outlets that had been installed in your house, only to discover the lack of compatibility.
You only tried once, and you'd regretted it. After the taste of copper finally faded from your mouth, you decided that you'd just adapt to using pony appliances. Not a huge thing you'd have to adjust to, seeing as they were mostly similar. Now though, you were in a state of awe. Seeing as the Roomba was functioning at all, you took that as a miracle of science. Hooking it up to your hand-crank generator, you proceeded to charge the thing for what felt like three hours.
In actuality, you'd given up after about fifteen minutes when your arm got tired. You were in the process of being disappointed in its failure to kick on for more than a minute, when there was a knock at your door. Leaving the worn looking robot on your table, you made your way to answer the door. The purple unicorn that was Twilight Sparkle was accompanied by her assistant dragon, Spike.
"Morning Twilight, what can I do for you?"
"Morning? Anon, it's nearly noon."
"Oh. Well, afternoon then."
"You really need to work on your sleep schedule Anon. You miss so much of the day!"
"Yeah yeah. So, I see you brought Spike; am I due for another Spanish Inquisition?"
"A what?"
"Never mind. Come on in."
Stepping aside to allow the two in, your ear twitched as the beep of the low battery caught your attention. Now you remember why you wanted to never see the thing again. It was like your toaster and remote. The remote taunted you by existing without a TV in this land; and the toaster, when you did power it, had two settings: Off, and burn.
"Anon, what was that?"
"What was what?"
"That noise."
"Oh, just some garbage from home I dug up."
"Really? An alien artifact?! Can I see it?"
"Calm down Twilight, it's only a vacuum."
"But it's from your home, Anon! Who knows what mysteries it could solve?!"
You were going to mutter something witty, but you were distracted by Twilight following the sound to your kitchen.
"What's a vacuum?"
"I'm not too sure, Spike."
"You guys don't know what a vacuum is?"
"No," Spike answered simply.
"Basically an automatic broom. Sucks things up n shit."
"How does it suck? Is it alive?"
"Uuuuhhh... science. And I hope not, I tried to kill it already."
"Is this it, Anon?" Twilight asked, placing the aforementioned vacuum on the floor, hand-crank generator trailing behind it.
"Yeah, that's the thing."
"How do you work it?"
"Well, it needs to be charged first."
"How do you do that?"
"You gotta crank the handle on that generator for a bit." No sooner had the words left your mouth was the hand-crank enveloped in a purple aura and spinning wildly fast. Much faster than you could've ever achieved the Roomba's battery light was green. "Man, I wish I'd thought of that."
"So how do you work it Anon?"
You stooped down and pushed the power button, activating the tiny mechanical beast. The tiny mixture of metal and plastic whirred to life and started moving around your kitchen floor. Sighing, you remembered when you'd watch it do this same shit at home and not get anything clean. You were sure the thing made dirt instead of removed it.
"GET IT TWILIGHT!"
"I'M TRYING, SPIKE!"
You were suctioned back to reality by the screams and hollers of the two purple creatures. Looking towards the commotion, you found Spike hiding in Twilight's mane, while the unicorn herself was backed up to your kitchen counter. The Roomba was closing fast, and Twilight's eyes were getting wide to the point that you were starting to get worried about her health. The little circle stopped about a foot from her and made a sharp 90 degree turn. Continuing on its way towards a counter it would inevitably get stuck under, it left Twilight and Spike petrified against your cabinet.
"You guys alright?"
"WHAT IS THAT THING, ANONYMOUS!?"
"A Roomba? It's just a little vacuum cleaner, nothing to be--" Twilight let out some horrid cross between a battle cry and a scream of terror as she zapped the Roomba with purple lightning. Shortly thereafter, it sparked, whirred, and died. "Gee, thanks Twilight. I was going to see if I could salvage any of the parts, but I guess--"
"Spike, go get that... Roomba. We've got to send it to Celestia. She'll know what to do with it."
"You're stealing my vacuum cleaner?"
"That thing is a threat to all things living Anonymous! It has to go!"
"Twilight."
"What if it touched me?!"
"Twilight."
"What if it sucked up spike!?
"Hey, Twilight."
"That Roomba is a danger to all things living!"
Spike's next cognitive thought was to scream and run to your living room in terror. You and Twilight both looked to the Roomba. You recognized what it was doing as its startup sequence. Twilight seemed to not care what it was trying to do, and blasted it again.
Instead of killing it like the shot had done before, it seemed to energize the little robot further. Screeching to life, the small hunk of plastic and machinery zipped right out of your kitchen. Following the oddly behaving vacuum into your living room, you watched as it seemed to seek out Spike. The dragon was hiding behind a chair when the Roomba made a beeline straight for him.
It was the same speed as you'd recalled, but it wasn't going in the standard 'not gonna do shit' pattern. As though it had been granted the gift of thought itself, the small circle seemed to follow Spike. Chuckling to yourself, you watched as Spike ran from poor hiding spot to poor hiding spot trying to get away from it.
In a flash of light, Twilight appeared next to the baby dragon. Yet another flash of light later, and both Twilight and Spike were gone. The Roomba made its way over to the now singed spot on your floor and began to spin in circles. Scratching your head at the whole ordeal, you sat down on the couch. Just beyond your realm of care, the Roomba stopped going in circles and made its way to your front door, managing to push it open.
Had you been paying attention, you would've realized you'd left the damn thing open when Twilight had come in. In all that chaos, it had completely skipped by you to figure out why Twilight had paid you a visit. About that time, you noticed that there was a distinct lack of noise to distract you. Odd how you can grow so used to a sound in such a short amount of time.
Shaking your head to clear your thoughts, you stood and decided that now would be a good time to find out where the little robot had gotten stuck now. It may be a relic from home, but it is certainly not one you were particularly fond of having stick around. You followed the path of slightly-cleaner floor to your front door that had been left ajar. Once there, you spotted a trail of upturned dirt that had to have been the robot's path.
Oddly enough, it wasn't in some random form like it should've been. No, it was in a somewhat straight line. A line that led down the street and around the corner. Following the slightly less dusty trail, you eventually wound up at Twilight's library. The door was ajar and you could hear the distinct sizzling of magic through the air along with muffled voices.
"GET IT TWILIGHT!"
"I'M TRYING SPIKE!"
Pushing the door open, you found a scenario that caused you to stifle a laugh. Twilight was up on top of one of her bookshelves, firing magic shots at a pile of books. The fact that she would take to possibly damaging books at all was astounding to say the least. Seeing the tell-tell signs of a stuck Roomba under the ashes of who knows how many books, you started to make your way over to the wreck. Intending only to retrieve the troublesome robot, you were caught off guard as Spike jumped onto your back.
"DON'T WORRY ANON, I'LL SAVE YOU!"
As you stumbled sideways and eventually landed on the floor with a thud, the Roomba was jarred loose by your impact. Seeing the little robot back up and spin around a couple times, it locked a trajectory that you figured out pretty quickly. It ran straight into your gut, which was apparently too close for Spike's comfort, as the purple dragon darted up the stairs. You would've stood up to brush yourself off, but Twilight had you held down tight in an aura of magic.
"Don't. Move. Anon. It's right there."
"Twilight."
She hissed at you through her teeth, demanding you be quiet. Sighing as there wasn't much you could or wanted to do about the whole situation, you decided to simply relax and see what happened. Twilight was writing something down on a parchment you had no idea was up there, and zipped it off to who you could only assume to be Spike. Not but a minute later and the young dragon was peeking around the corner down the stairs, eyeing you and the Roomba cautiously. As quickly and quietly as he could, he snuck down the stairs and out the door.
"Twilight, this is--"
"Anon, no!"
The moment you chose to try and reason with the deranged unicorn was the exact same moment that the Roomba stopped bumping into you. It backed up, turned around, and made its way to the adjacent room.
"Now can I stand up?" You let out a sigh of relief as the aura dissipated, grateful to get off the floor. "Twilight, this whole mess is ridiculous. I mean really, it's just a--"
"Anon! Do you have any idea what that thing is?! It won't DIE! It's immune to magic! I CAN'T STOP IT!" she said through a strained whisper.
"If you'll just let me explain--"
"No time! I've got to figure out how to get this thing out of Ponyville before it hurts someone!"
"But Twilight--"
"Don't worry guys, I found Rainbow Dash!"
"What's with all the hub-ub Twilight?"
"Rainbow! There's a... monster in the library!" Twilight said, fear evident in her voice. The cyan pegasus cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.
"A monster, Twilight?" The unicorn shook her head rapidly as Spike filled Rainbow in on the horrors of your Roomba.
"Yeah! It's small and round and Twilight can't kill it!" Rainbow gave both Twilight and Spike a deadpan look then turned her gaze to you.
"Anon, do you know what's going on? I was in the middle of a great dream."
"It--"
"THERE IT IS RAINBOW, GET IT!" Twilight screeched, ducking down further to hide from the plastic menace. Rainbow fluttered higher to get a better view.
"Alright, let's see this mo-" At that very instance, her wings snapped to her side like a vice. Her sudden altitude change wasn't enough to snap her out of her fear-induced adrenaline rush as she hurriedly backed towards the stairs. "mo-mo-mo-mo-" Spike took that moment to jump onto the pegasus' back in preparation for the fastest ascension of stairs short of teleportation. "MONSTER!" Rainbow screamed before she darted up the stairs. Looking over to the top of the stairs, you found Rainbow curled into a ball, eyes wide with fear. Her whole body was visibly shaking, and she was making no effort to hide the fact.
"Rainbow, can you fly?" Twilight hissed. The pegasus' only response was to shake her head no; something Twilight couldn't see from her position.
"Come on, seriously? Why are you guys so scared of this thing?"
"How are you NOT scared, Anon?!" Twilight asked from her perch on the library shelf. You bent down and depressed the power button on the Roomba that was currently running into your feet. As it powered down, you rose to a standing position to look Twilight in the eyes.
"That's how."
"Quick Spike, while it's down, get it!"
"What do you want ME to do Twilight?! I can't even use magic!"
"Just send it away, Spike! Get it out of here!"
"But Twilight, how--"
"JUST DO IT SPIKE!"
Rainbow seemed to overcome her fears for a minute, as she scooped up the dragon and darted towards the Roomba at your feet. Using him like some kind of estranged toothpaste tube, she squeezed a belch of flame out of him that engulfed the little device. Jumping to avoid possibly getting burned by the green fire, you could've sworn you heard the beep-beep of the thing turning back on. Falling to the floor, you shook your head and started scanning the room for any sign of your little pony-repellant.
"Rainbow, you did it!" Twilight said, jumping down from her perch. Still shaking where she stood, Rainbow dropped Spike and slowly started to come to her senses.
"I-I did what?"
"You did it! You killed the monster!" Twilight said, bouncing happily around her friend.
"Uuuhhh... Yeah! Of course I did! No monster is a match for the Dash!" As she returned to her proper standing position, you heard Spike moan.
"Hey, Twilight."
"Yes Anon?" she said stopping mid jump, a gleam of victory in her eyes.
"If Rainbow killed it using Spike's fire, how do your scrolls get to Celestia?"
You'd never been teleported by Twilight before. As your body compressed and contorted through time and space, you decided that you'd avoid pissing off Twilight in the future. Teleportation was not the most enjoyable thing for you, and didn't seem to bode well for anyone else either. Save for Twilight of course. Before you knew it, you had somehow ended up carrying Rainbow and were in the process of being pushed onto a train car.
Both you and Rainbow were rather dazed and in no condition to debate where exactly you were going. A few minutes later and you were sitting down in a train car that was rapidly accelerating, Rainbow to your right. Spike, as it turned out, had apparently gotten a lift on Twilight's back while she pushed you and Rainbow onto the train.
"Twilight, where exactly are we going?"
"Where?" she asked, the stress in her voice clear. "We're going to Canterlot, of course."
"No, YOU'RE going to Canterlot. I'm going back to my house" you stated, reaching for the emergency brake. Before your hand could make contact though, Rainbow had tackled you down to the seat. "Rainbow, what the hell was that-" She cut in and got very close to your ear, hissing a whisper.
"Don't mess with Twilight when she's like this dude."
"What? Why not? She's not gonna-" She pressed her left hoof down on your chest and explained her reasoning.
"Last time she was like this, it took Princess Celestia herself to fix Twilight. I'm pretty awesome, but I wouldn't get in Twilight's way right now." You remained quite as Dash stood up, backing off of your chest. Dash could be arrogant and annoying sometimes, but dammit if her words didn't sink in a little.
That was a bit scary to think about. Something that Dash wouldn't attempt? She's either attempted it before with disastrous results or has a phobia. Considering Twilight is her friend, it would appear to be the former. You grudgingly reclaimed your sitting position, making sure to distance yourself from both ponies. Had Twilight left you well enough alone, none of this would've happened.
Dash wasn't helping any by playing along. Spike was the only other being here that seemed to be in the same boat of 'the fuck did I do?' The purple lizard quietly made his way over to you, sitting to your right. You took notice that even he chose the position furthest from Twilight. Leaning over, you decided to try and figure out what's going on or what to expect.
"So, Spike, what's all this mess about anyways?"
"Why do you have something like that Anon! It's so... scary!" he whispered back to you, biting his nails.
"Spike, those are common place back home. We keep them to clean our houses for us."
"That thing is supposed to clean your house? No way! I bet it tries to eat you when you sleep."
"That's a small one, actually. Most of them we use manually; that was supposed to be a new generation that could do pretty much everything itself."
"Yeah, like eat you when you sleep."
"Spike, it doesn't eat you. It cleans. That's all it does. There's no reason to be so scared of it."
"Easy for you to say."
"Hey, I'm not the one who sent this 'crazy monster' to your beloved Princess Celestia."
Had you been paying attention, you would've noticed Spike backing as far away from you as his seat would allow. Taking not of Spike's lack of rebuttal and the feeling that someone was watching you, you turned to your left to come nose to nose with Twilight.
"He may be the one who sent it there, but it's still YOUR monstrosity Anon."
"Twilight, I don't see how this is-" One resounding pop later and Twilight was now nose to nose with the cyan pegasus that dared interrupt her.
"And YOU! I told you to stop it, not get rid of it! Why did you send it to Princess Celestia?! Are you..." Twilight's eyes narrowed as she backed away from Rainbow, who had contorted herself to bending so far back you were mildly concerned she'd stick that way. The purple unicorn looked from Rainbow to you and back again. "That's it, isn't it?!" she said, half-laughing as she formed a thought that, from what you could tell of her grin, didn't bode well for either you or Rainbow.
"What's what Twilight?"
"You and Rainbow were in on this, weren't you!?"
"What? Why-" She zipped to your face again, so close that you'd consider her to be making a move on you had the situation been different.
"It all makes sense now! You hid that... THING, managed to convince Rainbow to act afraid and use Spike to send it to Celestia!"
"Twilight, I think maybe you're-" She zipped back to her previous position, looking around the room as she formed a plan out loud.
"It would've been the perfect cover, too! You claim to not know how it got here; she acts afraid of it and uses that as an excuse to blame the whole thing on the moment! It's perfect!" You and Rainbow exchanged about five thousand words in a three second glance at one another before returning your gaze to Twilight. The unicorn was breathing a bit too violently for your taste, so you decided to tread lightly.
"So, Twilight, now that you've discovered our master plan, why would we do that?" Your mistake was apparent the moment you finished speaking. You could feel the air in the room thin and a chill ran down your spine as you caught Twilight's eye twitching.
"Why? But of course, it wouldn't be so obvious! You two are in cohorts with Blueblood! If that monster touches Celestia, who KNOWS what could go wrong, what it would do?! If anything were to ever happen to Celestia, Luna would have to take over! She can't manage Equestria on her own, so she'll be forced to bring in more help! Of course, Princess Cadance will be trying to help my brother with physical recovery after he tries to save Princess Celestia, leaving only one option: Blueblood!"
Once more you and Rainbow exchanged an incredible amount of communication via a simple look before returning your attention to Twilight.
"I'm going to hold the two of you in custody until we get there, I'm sure Princess Luna will want to meet her sister's aggressors!" Before you had time to argue, Rainbow was shoved to your left side and Spike was rapidly removed from your right. Twilight's snake like coil around Spike combined with Rainbow's forced attachment to your left side was enough for you to figure out this was going to be a long train ride.
Logic won't work, she's beyond reason. You could try brute force, but you'd rather not beat up on your friend. Well, acquaintance really. She was the one who was responsible for this whole mess. If she'd just left you alone, you'd be fine right now.
"Hey, um, Twili-" No sooner had Rainbow started to say her name, was Twilight invading her personal space to an extreme degree.
"Yes, Rainbow Dash?" Rainbow gulped nervously, but continued her question.
"I need to go to the bathroom." If you could've scooted away, you would've. Twilight's physical reaction was starting to unnerve you. Her left ear was flat against her head, while her right was twitching along with one of her eyes.
"No."
"What? But Twilight, I ne-"
"TERRORISTS don't get BATHROOM PRIVELAGES," she hissed. Rainbow backed her head away further, nodding as best she could.
"Twilight, just let her go to the bathroom, it's not like she's gonna bail on you or something." Her dreadful gaze shifted to you.
"And leave you alone to plan an escape?! HA!"
"Well, why don't you let Spike watch me while you take Rainbow to the bathroom? It's not like there's any harm in it."
"Leave a baby dragon alone with a TERRORIST?! Do you take me for a FOOL Anon?!"
"No, but-"
"No! She doesn't get to go, and neither do you! You can go to the bathroom if Luna permits it after she finds out what you've done!"
"Twilight, c'mon. It's a long train ride; the least you could do is-"
"THE CONDUCTOR!"
While she didn't care to elaborate on what she meant with her outburst, she did stop trying to condense you and Rainbow into one being with her magic. Managing to peel the pegasus off of your person was a moot point though. While she tried to make it to the bathroom, there was an otherworldly screech from the front of the train. Rainbow was once again pressed against you as the train accelerated to a speed that was surely against regulations.
The entire train ride was cut incredibly short. You were certain you passed a couple of stops, but there wasn't much you could do about it. When the train slammed to a stop, you could hear the metal groan in disapproval. Shortly thereafter, Twilight had teleported back to your car. Rainbow tried to take her chance and bolted towards the bathroom, but she was caught and slapped right back against you by Twilight.
"Twilight, did you just hijack the train?"
"The princess is in danger! I'm sure when she realizes I had the best of intentions, she'll understand. Now MOVE!" You weren't permitted a chance to argue, as she accentuated her 'move' command with a teleportation of the four of you. If you had a weaker stomach, it'd be emptying itself all over the castle carpeting right now. That thought alone made you incredibly grateful that Twilight didn't try and teleport all of you directly to the castle. With such a distance, it's likely you'd be lucky to not break a bone. At any rate, your train of thought was interrupted by Shining Armor.
"Anonymous? What are you doing here?"
"He's here to stop his terrorist machine, brother!"
"Terrorist machine?" Shining asked. Twilight's bewildered stance faltered for a moment.
"Y-you mean she hasn't called for you yet?"
"Twilight, what are you talking about?" She bolted off before her brother could ask anything more. "Twilight!"
Seeing as she was yours and Rainbow's ticket out of here, you decided to follow along. It was a short walk, but Shining chasing after his sister garnered the attention of a couple guards ponies. They, of course, followed their hurried captain towards their Princess' throne room. If he was running, it was obviously some kind of emergency.
Seeing the sense of urgency they were acquiring, you and Rainbow quickened your pace. You kind of wanted to just stand by and see what happened, but at the same the little voice in the back of your head reminded you that Twilight would never leave you alone if you did that. She was obsessed with her stupid princess. You'd met Celestia a couple times before. Matter of fact, you stayed at the castle for a week or so after you arrived.
She said she trusted you and all and that you were free to leave any time you liked; but she would insist you stay for a while. Her enthusiasm to help you in adjusting to life here was a little... strange. Once Twilight had nearly broken one of the doors to the throne room off of its hinges, a strange noise jolted you back to reality. A couple of strange noises, actually.
"Princess!" Several guards ran in along with Twilight and Shining Armor. Rainbow started to head in too, but you grabbed her by her tail and held her back.
"Anon, Twilight might be crazy, but Princess Celestia is still my Princess!"
"That's all fine and dandy, but the things harmless. You know that." She stopped fighting your grip and backed down a little. As soon as you let go though, she darted straight into the chamber with the rest of the ponies. "Stupid ponies," you muttered to yourself. Walking inside, it struck you that you hadn't seen Spike in any of this mess since Twilight teleported all of you to the castle.
Deciding to figure it out later, you entered the throne room to an... interesting sight. On top of a throne was Princess Celestia, wings flared out and pupils the size of saucers. She was making some kind of squeak you couldn't really identify, and making some fancy hoofwork on the top of the chair's backing. If she was a human, you'd say she was dancing on her tiptoes. Looking down to what she was apparently hiding from, you found your Roomba. It was upside down, wheels spinning helplessly, its grating whirring accented by the fact that there was no carpet to mute it, and surrounded on all sides by some very pissed looking guards.
"Get it brother! Kill it! It tried to get the Princess!" There was a blindingly bright flash of light, followed by silence. Sweet, succulent silence. "You did it!"
Princess Celestia was still on top of her chair and had shut her eyes. The guards were all panting like they'd just fought a giant lizard, Shining Armor looked like he was going to pass out, and Twilight was... Well, she wasn't normal, but she wasn't as crazy as she'd been earlier.
"Way to go Shining Armor!" Rainbow said, flying over to his side. There was a sudden grouped inhale as a familiar whirring kicked on again. All attention was drawn back to the Roomba; even Princess Celestia had opened her eyes and was looking at the thing wearily. From behind her throne. A little rattling later, and all hell broke loose.
Your Roomba had taken flight. It zipped around the room, causing guards to duck or yell out in surprise when it got close to them. While the whole ordeal was going on, you caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of your eye. There, in a doorway off to the side of the room, was Princess Luna. She had a rather uninterested look on her face and a toothbrush in her mouth. After a brief pause to observe the state of the throne room, she resumed her previous walk unphased.
"Anon!"
You turned just in time to duck as Rainbow flew over your head, your Roomba in hot pursuit. She made several laps around the room, the Roomba seeming to have its target set on her specifically. Seeing your opportunity, you flagged down Rainbow to get her to fly towards you again. This time, you stepped aside to dodge Rainbow, and caught the Rooomba with your hand. It had a bit of weight to it, but it didn't knock you off your feet or anything. You reached out with your other hand and pulled it down to chest height, depressing the power button and shutting it off.
"I'll take it from here Anon," Shining said, gripping a spear from one of his guards with his magic.
"Now Shining, hold on a sec-" He used the blunt end of the spear to bash the abused Roomba out of your hands and onto the ground, then flipped the spear and stabbed it into the worthless lump of plastic. It fizzled one last time, causing a resounding gasp as it finally died.
After a parade was nearly held in your honor for defeating the "Relentless Roomba," you were finally on the train back home. Turns out Spike had run off to find Princess Cadance or Princess Luna. When he didn't find either of them, he went back to the station to wait. All of Twilight's antics were forgiven, of course, and the train was repaired. Celestia even thanked you personally for defeating your own vacuum cleaner, even though you tried to tell her what happened.
She wasn't very interested in the details, but took great joy in the fact that it was finally gone. You, Rainbow, Twilight and Spike all took a car on the train and began the much slower ride home. Figuring you'll save the explanation for what really happened as leverage for Twilight, you figured this little misadventure went pretty well. Twilight laid down on the bed, exhausted after all the trouble she went through to save her protégé. Leaning back into your chair, you sighed as you realized you might actually get some peace and quiet for a little while now.
"Hey Anon?"
"Yes, Dash?"
"I still have to go to the bathroom."
