Dinner With the Sparkles

by TheMortalSlab

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Other, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Romance
Length: 20033

Our lovable oaf Spike is persuaded into having sex with his best friend's mom! How could this happen? Is this one of those "dream" cop-outs? I don't think so. After all, I don't really exist!

Twilight's parents have hit a snag in their relationship. What's the remedy? Sex with a dragon, of course! Follow the chronicles of... well, not really "chronicles" so much a-... Why are you still reading this? Clop awaits!

Published 2013-05-14 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-08 23:53:19 UTC

Prologue: The Proposal

I’m back! *crickets* Well, anyways, here are a couple things before we get started:

Twilight/Spike Relationship: Friends (i.e. no mother/son or brother/sister in these here parts, just the best friend relationship the show’s nature implies—not that I’m against Spilight, quite the opposite, actually)

Spike’s Size/Dick Count: Slightly above average pony/2 (I apologize if I’ve ruined your perfect image of a stubby, one-cocked boy wonder—I feel it gives the story more character)

I most always question the former when reading ponyfics, and the latter with Spike-related clops. Just figured I’d let you know ahead of time. Onward we sail aboard the S.S. Slabstick!

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Dinner With the Sparkles

Prologue: The Proposal

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“That was nice” the blue unicorn said gently following a large sigh, as he placed his suitcases on the floor.

“We really do need more downtime, dear. Are you sure you can’t ‘persuade’ your boss into giving you more time off?” the white unicorn chuckled, earning a glare from her husband.

“I’ve told you a hundred times, that was nothing more than a dirty rumor!” Mr. Sparkle spat in an angry tone.

“Oh, calm down dear. You know I’m only joking.” She teased, waving her hoof.

“I still don’t find the humor in it. If I ever find out who started that, they’re gonna be in a world of hurt!” he clenched his hoof (somehow) for dramatic effect.

“Ok Ryu, so what sounds good for dinner?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“Hmm,” he pondered, tapping his chin “how about some oatloaf?”

“Uhh, yeah, that’ll work!” she checked the pantry, relieved that she had all the necessary ingredients.

“Sounds good dear, I’m gonna catch a few zeds before beds.” He proclaimed as he flopped on the couch and fell asleep on impact.

‘I swear, he’s getting dumber every day.’ Mrs. Sparkle chuckled to herself as she prepared to make dinner.

. . .

“This is really good, sweetie! Did you do anything special this time?” Mr. Sparkle asked amazed.

“Are you implying that my usual cooking isn’t very good?” his wife asked in a womanly “I’ll-never-let-you-feel-like-a-nice-guy” fashion.

“What? No! It just tastes different than usual, in a good way!” he answered frantically, shaking his front hooves to and fro.

“I’m only teasing, dear. I decided to add some thyme and oregano this time!” she said cheerfully.

“Don’t you mean… this thyme?” Mr. Sparkle raised his hoof from under the table, revealing the aforementioned thyme while sporting a cheesy smile. His wife held her smile, but had a look on her face that could only mean “I’m going to smother you with a pillow tonight.”

“Dear, I was hoping we could visit the glue factory tomorrow?” she asked calmly.

“You know you love it.” He responded coyly.

“Oh, shut up.” She rolled her eyes and continued eating. The phrase reminded him of something.

“Oh, I almost forgot! You know what Noteworthy asked me in the office last week? I mentioned the vacation and he had the nerve to ask me if we could ‘switch places’! I know we look similar, but that’s downright perverted!” he slammed his hoof on the table in anger.

“So what? That way you could’ve been with your ‘precious boss’ for the week.” She teased nonchalantly.

“I TOLD YOU THAT’S A RUMOR!” he yelled. “And why does that not gross you out?!”

“So he wants some strange from a co-worker’s wife, it’s not like he’s pulling a Chrysalis or anything.” She shrugged with a mouthful of food.

“And such an elegant creature you are. Oh well, we both know I gots the goods to do you like I shoulds.” He leaned back in his chair, smiling smugly with folded hooves.

She responded with a JonTron *ech* and said, “don’t mention that again. It was almost unsettling how clingy you were.” She shivered.

“What? It was our vacation! What else were we gonna do in our room?” he asked defensively.

“Gee, I dunno, sleep? We were on our hooves even more than we are here, and the least I could do was get some snore-free shuteye, but you wouldn’t have any of that, now, would you?” she asked angrily.

“It was a romantic getaway! What’s your problem tonight? First you badger me about that annoying rumor and now you’re complaining about the vacation we just got back from! I didn’t hear you complaining while we were there!” he shot back.

“It’s not a rumor if I have proof.” She fainted to a near whisper. A strong silence filled the room.

“W-what? What are you talking about?” he asked with a mixture of stern and nervous tone. She got up and walked over to the entertainment center. She sifted through their PHS collection *crickets* and came across a specific tape within a hidden compartment. She flashed an evil smile toward him and popped it in the machine. The screen lit up and he instantly knew the displayed location. “Th-that’s my office! How did you-”

“Leaving me to keep track of your keys was an unfortunate move, honey.” She tilted her head with a wicked smile.

The screen showed Mr. Sparkle sitting in his office, his head resting on his shoulder as he enjoyed his midday nap. His boss walked in and facehoofed due to his behavior. “’LIIICHT!” she screamed in his ear, startling him out of his chair.

“Uh, yes ma’am?” he asked sheepishly.

“Care to explain to me why you were SLEEPING ON THE JOB?!?” she slammed her hooves on the table with great vengeance and furious anger.

“Uh, s-sorry ma’am, I’ve just been backed up with all these end-of-the-month orders, it’s really hard to keep up!” he answered nervously.

“Look Nachtlicht, we need to have a talk.” She sighed and walked over to his door, shutting and locking it in a single, almost “motor-memory” motion. “I can’t have my best man sleeping on the job—it sets a bad morale for this company.” She walked back over to his desk and placed her fronthooves on it firmly. “You say you’re ‘backed up’, eh? No, no that won’t do at all.” She walked over to the window, and in a similar motion closed it, dropped the blinds and shut them. “Maybe you just don’t have the proper motivation. Maybe I need to find something to… inspire you. I’d certainly hate to see you leave.” Her voice grew gentler with each sentence.

“Wh-what’d you have in mind?” he asked nervously.

“Oh ‘Licht, you still act nervous about this? It’s not like it bothers you that much, does it?” she asked as she slowly sat in his lap.

“I-it just feels… I can’t explain it, but it feels like we’re not alone, ya know?”

“Ya sure hit that nail on the head.” Mrs. Sparkle turned to her soon-to-be doghoused husband with a chuckle.

“Shh, just let me do the work.” She whispered in his ear. “While I can’t help you with your papers, I can make sure you’re in the green with your meat machine.” Her mouth slowly drew closer to his, as she unzipped his workpants.

“OK, THAT’S ENOUGH!” Mr. Sparkle galloped over to the T.V. and quickly removed the videotape. “Why in Equestria di-” he glanced at the sticker on the video’s spine. “’Caught Sleepin’ 3’? Just how many of these do you have?!?”

“Which one you wanna watch next, ‘Lost My Mouse 2’ or ‘I Want a Raise 4’? Ooh, or my personal favorite, ‘Paper Jam 2: Toner Boner’!” she laughed heartily while rolling on the floor.

He hung his head in shame. “How long have you known?”

“Far too long, honey. At first, I was absolutely furious, but man, you guys could make a killing in the business of gaudy porn! It’s almost sad… almost.” Her expression changed from jovial to vengeful in a matter of seconds.

“I… I’m so sorry. I… I di-”

“Save it. You’re not sorry, and you could’ve stopped it at any time, but you chose to continue.” She got up and walked over to the window. “How can I trust you to fend for this family when you can’t even keep your dick in your proverbial—sometimes literal—pants?”

“I-… she-… I don-” he was stopped by a hoof shoved in his mouth.

“Luckily I’m a forgiving mare. I’ll let you off the hook on two conditions.” She said looking off to the side.

“Y-yes! Anything!” he exclaimed, freeing his mouth from her sexy, sexy hoof.

“The first condition is a two-parter. First, you are to handle all house duties, including everything from laundry to cooking, for the next two months. The second part is obvious: no more fooling around with Miss FAT-bertson! Believe me, I’ll know.” She sat on the couch with her fronthooves crossed.

“Done.” He said, nodding stupidly.

“And second…

you’re gonna get me laid.”

_________________________________
Mrs. Sparkle in…
The Something-Year-Old Not-So-Virgin
Coming this summer, but not with her husband!
_________________________________

“You… what?” Mr. Sparkle was baffled at her request.

“What part of that didn’t you understand? Or is it fine that you get to sleep around but not lil’ old me?”

“It’s not ‘sleeping around’ if it’s jus- you know what? Fine. I’m done fighting over this.” He crossed his forehooves in anger. “So then, who’s the lucky guy?”

“…” she paused “I haven’t gotten that far yet.” She laughed sheepishly while rubbing the back of her head. He promptly facehoofed and sighed.

“Well, think about it. Who do you wanna bang? Should I bring Noteworthy over then?”

“Please, like you said, he looks just like you. Though he’d probably be better than you in the sack, I wouldn’t be able to get past him looking like a street rat.” At that moment, you could hear the remainder of his pride and dignity shatter against the cold porcelain floor.

“Don’t hear Ms. Robertson complaining…” he said to himself.

“What was that?” she asked as she rose up behind him.

“AH! Nothing! I didn’t say anything!”

“Good. Now…” she pulled out several photo albums from the nearby shelf. “I think he should be someone we both know on a somewhat personal level, but maybe not someone within the immediate vicinity—you know, like neighbors and whatnot—so attachment won’t become an issue.” She began scanning the albums for a sign. “Did you say Frontline’s wife left him?”

“No, that was Melvin.”

“Ew, Melvin. That’s actually a step below you.” She shuddered.

“Hey!”

“Hmm,” she ignored his childish offense “no, he’s got that ‘spotted’ thing goin’ on, that always grossed me out.” She continued sifting through the albums until she came across the recent photos from the Equestria Games, in which her family and friends reserved a bank area for themselves. “Ah, here we go.” She scanned the large group photo, hoping to find some old forgo- hoping to find somepony that would get her haunches a-shakin’. “No, no…” she looked across everypony in the photo, and none of them seemed to spark interest in a sexual way. Finally, she came across the area with her, her husband, children and a large drake holding up the Wu-Tang sign. As soon as her eyes locked on the dragon, her hoof froze. Her mouth slowly formed a smirk.

“Bingo.”

Author's Note

Author's notes are pretty stupid. R&R.

Chapter 1: The Plan Unfolds

First, a poem:

“In fourteen hundred ninety-two,
Lincoln sailed the ocean blue
Aboard a ship of many slaves.
The floating crate served as their graves,
For thirty days aboard their ship,
The Plague took hold with forceful grip.
But then, just when all hope seemed lost,
The ghost of Bono came across
The unmanned ship, and headed for
The land now known as ‘Baltimore’.
Unfortunately for our shaded friend,
The trip came to an early end.
He did not know this simple craft
Was not amphibious; just a raft
Comprised of wood, primarily,
Practically just a barrel-y.
The ship made contact with the shore
And broke apart, forevermore.
The bodies scattered through the sand,
And rose to form a zombie band
Known as the Doors, and Bono led,
Since Morrison was forever dead.
They opened doors, got on the floor,
Everybody walk the dinosaur.”

-Jesus [in a horse costume], 1929

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Dinner With the Sparkles

Chapter 1: The Plan Unfolds

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“Bingo.”

“Bingo? I thought you said he was gelded.”

“Not him, you dolt.” Mrs. Sparkle quickly shut the album. “And anyways, you two haven’t spoken since you stole his stupid record.”

“One, ’Frampton Comes Alive’ is not a ‘stupid record,’ it’s the single greatest vinyl of my generation! Two, I didn’t steal it, he gave it to me for my birthday!” Mr. Sparkle shouted.

“Oh, I guess I’ll trust you on that one. After all, honesty is your best trait.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“Oh, shut up. So who you gonna ca- I mean, bang?”

“Think about it. Who’s always been there for the family, especially our daughter?”

“Honey, I’m right here.” He responded flatly.

“Ha, ha. No dumbass, I mean who looked out for her ever since she was a foal?”

“You mean Cadance? Can I film it?!” He asked excitedly, shaking his tail like a dog.

*WHAM*

“You’re hopeless.” Mrs. Sparkle said with a comical vein on her temple, following a whop to his head. “No, think. Been with Twilight since she’s been Celestia’s student, always looked out for her, a friend of the family’s since practically forever?” she looked at her husband expectantly.

“… Shining?” he asked cautiously.

*WHAM*

“You’re a complete moron.” She deadpanned. “You’ve got one guess left. I’ll give you one more hint: he’s not a pony.”

Mr. Sparkle’s eyes widened in realization. “Y-you mean-”

“Yup.” She smirked evilly and looked out the nearby window. “Here’s what I’m gonna do, I’ll kill two birds with one stone.”

Somewhere in a remote cottage, an adorable yellow pegasus felt a cold chill run up her spine. “O-oh my, I wonder what that was?” she asked timidly to her bunny companion. He ignored her and continued scratching his ear.

<><><><><><><><>
Fifteen minutes later…
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“Not that my opinion matters at a time like this, but I don’t see this working out.” Mr. Sparkle said skeptically.

“Oh don’t talk like that, dear.” His wife began as she dialed the number, “Your opinion never matters.”

“Hey!” he yelled, once again ignored by his life partner.

<><><><><><><><>
Meanwhile…
<><><><><><><><>

“I wonder where that dragon could be?” Twilight said to herself as she sifted through the castle’s innards. “He wasn’t in his room, the kitchen or the courtyard. Where else could he have run off to?” Her thoughts got the best of her perception, as she ran directly into her former mentor. She quickly shook her head, and looked to see what obstructed her forward motion. “P-P-Princess Celestia! I’m sorry! I wasn’t looking where I was going!” She bowed in fear, knowing that Equestria’s shining dictator would have her head on her mantle for such ill-mannered behavior.

“Oh Twilight, we’ve been over this. ‘Celestia’ is fine, no need for formalities, especially since you are royalty as well.” Celestia’s bright smile beamed through her rotting soul. “Now, what’s troubling you, my former student?”

“Oh, well, I was looking for Spike to see if he could help me reorganize the south wing for the Gala.”

“Ah yes, I suppose preparation would be ideal, seeing as it’s but a week away.” Celestia pondered for a moment and remembered. “Oh! I believe he told me earlier that his friends Reigns and Rollins were in town, and he was going to spend the day with them!”

Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes, “Oh lord, not them again. Every time they show up, they just end up picking fights with random guards. Well, I’d better go stop him before he unleashes ‘justice’ any further.” She galloped down the hallway, hoping to come across her scaled companion before he got into trouble. ‘Oh, I hope he’s ok.’ She thought as she exited the castle. It didn’t take her long to approach the castle gates, where she found the dragon and his two cohorts standing above a worn-out guard.

“BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD!” Spike roared, as he held his makeshift belt above his head. His two friends mimicked the action and they all began singing their “theme song”. “Duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh duuuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh-nuuuh!”

“Ok Spike, that’s enough harassment for one day.” Twilight approached the trio and downed guard and spoke with a blatant motherly tone, in hopes of embarrassing the large drake.

Spike quickly turned his head and joyously ran to his winged friend. “Twilight, you missed it! We powerbombed him through the bed of petunias! It was AWESOME!” She hadn’t seen Spike this giddy since he overheard that Rarity was back on the pill.

“Spike, why in Equestria would you do that?! You could’ve seriously hurt him!” She spoke down to him, despite the fact that he was a head taller than her.

“D-don’t worry Princess, I’m fine.” The guard struggled slightly to get up. “I’ve got this armor on, so I’m ok!”

“See, he’s fine.” Spike waved off the issue.

“That still doesn’t explain why you did it.” She said in a demanding tone.

“Oh, I…” the guard began, “I… they caught me sampling the baked goods in the kitchen, and… well… I suppose it was justified.” He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

“You don’t need to defend them, they should know better.” She continued on her self-righteous soapbox.

“Oh come on, Twi! You wanted those petunias out of there, anyway! And what’s the point of being the champions if we have no one with which to spar?”

She shook her head in disappointment. “I swear Spike, you’re getting dumber by the day.”

“Hey, that wasn’t very nice.” He responded gently, visibly hurt by her statement.

“Neither is powerbombing a guard for eating a cookie!” she yelled, smashing her face into his.

“Well ex-cuuuse me, Princess!” he responded in annoyance.

“What has gotten into you lately? First you lock yourself in your room all day and now the only time you come out is to cause trouble!”

“You just don’t get it Twi! You don’t remember what it’s like to be an unwed teenage mother!” Spike shoved her aside and ran for the castle, bawling his eyes out.

“Is it too late to revert him back to an egg?” she asked herself. She turned to the two ruffians. “I believe you two have had your stay.”

“Y-yes ma’am!” they said simultaneously, and galloped through the gates.

“And you.” She shifted her focus to the guard.

He gulped, “P-Princess?” She removed something from her royal garb. It was a stocking with a face and suit drawn on. She bore the stocking and shoved it in the guard’s mouth until he fell to the ground.

“Have a nice day.” She promptly giggled and galloped into the castle.

“I swear, this castle’s full of whackjobs.” The guard spoke softly to himself as he regained his post. He picked up the stocking and sniffed it heavily. “Then again, they’re my kind of people.” He looked around to ensure that the coast was clear, and he began his lewd activities…

Twilight then headed for the drake’s room, hoping to find him sulking in confusion. She came upon the door and knocked gently.

“Who is it?” he asked harshly.

“It’s me, think we can talk?”

“Ugh, I suppose. Come on in.”

She entered the room cautiously, and saw the drake sitting on the foot of his royal bed. She came up and sat down next to him, placing a hoof on his shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“You already know what this is about.” He answered dryly.

“Oh Spike, I’m sorry, but you knew it was bound to happen. A girl can’t wait forever, after all.”

“What are you talking about? You were there! You saw what she did!” he began to get defensive.

“Spike, the least you could do is be happy for her.” She responded sharply.

“Oh sure, since she obviously wants me to be happy! That’s why she let me blindly pine over her for years without showing any sign of response!” the sarcasm seeped through his teeth.

“You know how ‘traditional’ she can be. You can’t blame her for that.”

“And you know how determined I can be! You can’t blame me for that!” he snapped back.

“Spike, don’t take this out on me.” Twilight said sternly, “You know that I’m not the problem here.”

“Well then who is?!” he looked at her with emerald eyes caked in tears.

“You’re the only one who seems to have a problem with Rarity being happy.”

“But why not me? Why’d it have to be him? I practically broke my back for her for years, even confessed to her, and she still turned me down!” he lashed through his words as tears rolled down his face.

“Spike, Rarity is her own mare. She has her own determinations and she can’t change that. Isn’t that why you fell in love with her in the first place?”

Spike paused as he sniffed and wiped his nose. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It still hurts though, ya know?”

“Oh, Spike.” She pulled him in for a firm, yet gentle hug. They stayed that way for minutes, until the sun princess knocked on his door.

“Spike, dear, are you in there? The phone’s for you.” She asked through the blood-stained mahogany.

“Yeah, I’ll be right out.” Spike broke the hug and shuffled to the door. “Thank you,” he said as he retrieved the phone from Sun Butt. “Hello?”

“Why hello, Spike. This is Mrs. Sparkle. How are you, dear?”

“Oh, hello Mrs. Sparkle, I’m fine. Twilight’s right here if you want to talk to her.” He turned to Twilight, expecting to hand the phone off so she and her mother could gossip for hours as was tradition.

“Why no, Spike. I was hoping to talk to you.”

“Me?" he arched a nonexistent eyebrow in confusion. "Alright, I guess. What’s up?”

“Dear, I was wondering what your plans were tomorrow evening.”

“Tomorrow? Uh, all I got lined up is setting up for the Gala, but that should be done by the afternoon. What’d you need?” he was rather curious of her sudden interest.

“Well, I’ve been planning to move the furniture for the ease of replacing our old mattress with the one arriving tomorrow morning, and I was hoping you could lend a claw since my husband is suddenly going out of town for the next few days.” Her sentence gained venom as it neared its end.

‘Uh, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.’ Spike thought to himself. ‘She’s a unicorn, why can’t she just move everything with magic? Then again, I guess I’m used to Twilight’s magical strength, which is like, Juggernaut-tier powerful. I wonder if she’s ever seen that video? That’d be hilarious, seein’ her destroy something with magic and yelling, ‘DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M THE PRINCESS, BITCH!’ Then someone with a sword would attack her and she’d be all like, ‘SILLY BITCH, YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME! I’M THE PRINCESS!’ and she’d throw ‘em across the room!’ He began LOLing, confusing both the abstract and concrete Sparkle.

“Spike, dear, what’s so funny?” she thought that perhaps her rough marital waters were amusing to the drake.

“Ha ha, oh, nothing. Just remembered something funny is all.” He responded, embarrassed of his sudden outburst (sorry, outBURS). “But sure, I’d love to help!”

“Oh I’m so glad to hear that, dear! Be here at 7 o’clock sharp.” She ordered happily.

“Yes ma’am. See you then.” He hung up and handed the phone to Celestia.

“What’d my mom want?” Twilight asked.

“She needed help moving furniture tomorrow after I’m done setting up for the Gala. She’s getting a new mattress and she wants the switch to be as smooth as possible.”

“That’s weird, why doesn’t she just use magic to move everything?”

“I was wondering the same thing. I’m sure it has to do with your dad going out of town for the next few days. She probably thinks she can’t handle it all by herself.” He shrugged with his response.

“If she wanted magical help, why didn’t she just ask me? I don’t have anything going on tomorrow night, either.”

“You realize that’ll probably change, right? You’re a princess, having free time isn’t exactly common for you. Your schedule is never truly solidified until halfway through the day! You realize how hard it is to hang with all our friends at the same time? It’s practically monthly that that’s feasible! She probably figured you’d have something pop up that’d hinder your assistance.”

“… Yeah, good point.” She tapped her chin in deep thought. “That still doesn’t explain why she didn’t just go to the neighbors and ask them.”

“Please, Twi. I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here.” He said confidently.

“And what’s that?”

“Your mom’s finally starting to see me for the hunk I truly am. Think about it, she’s probably just using this ‘husband’s gone for a few days’ ruse to confess her loneliness to me, in hopes of me taking her in my muscular arms and holding her close. She’ll stare longingly at me, her eyes just begging me to take her, right then and there.” As he went on, a quartet of shadows in the shape of Discord began dancing on each wall of the room. When he finished, he remained in place with his arms in a cradling position and a dirty smirk until a pillow met his face with violent force.

“Don’t even joke like that!” Twilight blurted frantically with a heavy blush on her face. “My parents have a strong, healthy relationship, thank you!”

“Geez Twi, you know I’m only joking, right? Lighten up.” He said, chuckling.

“That’s not funny. That’s just… creepy.” Twilight said as she shuddered.

“I can’t help that I’m better looking than you, I blame genetics.” Spike said, striking several sexy poses.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Now are you going to help me set up or not?” she asked, crossing her fronthooves.

“You got it, race you there!” he yelled, as they ran for the south wing.

<><><><><><><><>
Meanwhile…
<><><><><><><><>

“Why’d you say I’d be out of town?! Where the hell am I supposed to go?!” Mr. Sparkle asked frantically.

“You mean after you’ve ordered our new deluxe queen-size mattress for next-day delivery? In a hotel, of course.” She answered matter-of-factly.

“What-what-whaaat? You expect me to not only break the bank for a stupid, unneeded mattress, but you want me to wallow in a stank-ass hotel? The hell’s wrong with you, woman?!”

“Well, if you want, I suppose I can call Noteworthy and break the news to him.” She said with a fake pout.

“What? How do you have his number?!”

“Again, poor choice leaving me in charge of the phonebook. You really should do more around the house, dear, joking and blackmail aside.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Now are you going to help me with the dishes or not?” Mr. Sparkle asked, hoping to sound more like his daughter.

“I’ve never seen you touch a dirty dish in my life.” She deadpanned.

“I’m trying to help, ok?!”

“Alright, fine.” The two headed for the kitchen and worked as a cohesive unit for the first time in decades.

As she cleaned the dishes, she mumbled to herself, “Just you wait, my little dragon, I’m gonna take you places you’ll never return to.” Her erotic thoughts carried through to her slumber.

Author's Note

Billy goat. Jesus isn't the only poet, you know.

Chapter 2: The Execution [Clop]

“Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.”
~ Bob Dylan—Highway 61 Revisited, 1965

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Dinner With the Sparkles

Chapter 2: The Execution

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♪ Too many puppies, are being shot in the dark
Too many puppies, are being trained not to bark
At the sight of blood that mus- ♪

*THUD*

The groggy dragon glared at the flashing “07:00” next to his bed and rolled onto the floor. He proceeded to the next portion of his daily routine and fell back asleep, coddling his slipper mat while struggling to get comfortable on his marble floor. This experience was short-lived, however, as a purple alicorn snuck into his room and brought her face to his fin-ear-thing.

“SPIKE!”

“WAAAH!” He flailed himself awake, whopping Twilight in the muzzle. “Twilight, what the heck?!” he asked as he gained composure, glaring at the source of his discomfort.

“Why’d you do that, Spike! That really hu~rt!” Twilight whined, rubbing her muzzle.

“What are you talking about? You’re the one tryin’ to make a ghost of me!” he retorted.

“I was just trying to tell you that breakfast was ready…” she looked down, embarrassed.

He growled, and let out a defeated sigh. “I swear, you’re getting dumber every day.” He responded, shaking his head as he got up.

Twilight scoffed, “As if! Last I checked, I’m not the one who tried to get with the daughter of the Manehattan mayor!”

“I told you, that was taken completely out of context!” he shouted in response.

<><><><><><><><>
Two Months Earlier…
<><><><><><><><>

“… feel the bounce-back in the market if we move the theoretical estates.”
“But would that provide the economic shift we’ve needed?”
“The more important issue is if the estates themselves are needed. If it only causes…”

As the devil’s jargon continued, a dragon sat peacefully amongst the royalty. Unfortunately, he was much too peaceful, sleeping with his drooling mouth agape.

Inside his dream…

“Dammit, this bastard isn’t talking!” his partner slammed his hoof against the one-sided mirror. “I’d like to see how long he lasts with the Hammer!” he chuckled as he looked to his left. Spike looked to his right and saw a burly character enter the interrogation room. He slowly sat down at the table with a cold stare mirroring his suspect’s.

“…” the Hammer carefully took a sip of the nearby coffee, eyes locked on the suspect.

The suspect let out an airy chuckle. “You really think you can scare me? What makes you think that you could make me talk?” he folded his fronthooves in confidence.

“…” the Hammer slowly drew a breath, and let out a steady sigh. He stood up and walked over to the one-way mirror. Staring directly into the wall, he nudged his head in the suspect’s direction. A single knock was the wall’s response. He returned to his seat and reached under the table, only to reveal a rubber ducky and a ball-peen hammer.

The suspect raised a brow. “The hell’s this? Some sort o’ ‘good cop, bad cop’ ruse? You honestly think this is worth my time?” The suspect attempted an ill-guided role-reversal.

The Hammer slowly brought his hoof toward the hammer. The suspect grew a slightly worried look.

Outside the interrogation room, Spike was aggravated. “Can’t you just put me in there with him? You know Hammer’s not legally allowed to harm him!”

“True, but dollars to donuts Hammer puts a good scare in ‘im.” His partner responded, chuckling.

Spike groaned, “This is so stupid, he obviously won’t talk unless my claw’s at his throat!”

“All in due time, my feline friend.”

“Huh?” he looked down at his paws-… “Paws? Damn these lucid dreams!” Spike screamed to the ceiling, as his dream convinced him that he was a cat.

Meanwhile, the suspect had made clear his fate. The Hammer took full grasp of the hammer and slammed it onto the table, just short of the suspect’s hooves.

The suspect hardly flinched, “Is that the best you got? This must be embarrassing for you.” He let out a drawn-out giggle as the Hammer left the room.

“Well, that went well.” His partner sarcastically stated.

“Dude, just put me in there, I’ll get what we need!” Spike practically begged.

“Eh, I don’t know…”

Back at the meeting…

“You’re simply covering up her reckless behavior with fatherly excuses!”
“She’s just acting out in defiance of standards, it’s nothing to be taken seriously!”
“You’re letting this slide simply because she’s your daughter? What happened to ‘the unbiased good of the country’?”
“She’s just been through some… ‘mare issues’ as of late, it’s nothing we should hold against her!”
“Since when has ‘heat’ ever influenced your decisions? Yes, it’s a dilemma, but it’s no excuse for the turmoil she has caused!”
“She just needs to get over this hump, and she’ll be fine! Nothing will be jeopardized!”
“So you’re saying she just needs to… ‘relieve herself’ and this mess will be behind us?”

It was at this opportune time that Spike’s sleep-talking got the better of him.

“Just give me 5 minutes, I’ll make ‘em squeal.” He mumbled loudly. Everyone immediately shot their head in his direction.

“EXCUSE ME?!?” the mayor bellowed, jarring the drake from his slumber.

“Hunh?” Spike lazily groaned, as the mayor jumped across the room onto the unsuspecting drake, and promptly pummeled him until several guards escorted them out of the room.

<><><><><><><><>

“Anyway,” Twilight began, clearing her throat, “hurry up and get dressed. Breakfast’s getting cold, and I want to finish the prep for the Gala before the afternoon.”

“You got it!” Spike leaped into his closet, and Twilight left the room, rolling her eyes. He sifted through his outfits, unable to decide on the most ideal attire for breakfast. Then it dawned on him, “Oh wait, I don’t wear clothes!” He laughed to himself and headed downstairs. After winding his way through the labyrinth of the Canterlot castle, he plopped himself down at the dining table. “Haycakes again?”

“What? If you don’t like it, you could always get up at a decent hour and make breakfast yourself.” She teased.

“’A decent hour?’ Twi, it’s 7:45. What are you, elderly? What’s next, dinner at quarter-to-five?” He then proceeded to get down on all fours and imitate an elderly Twilight, shaking his legs as he spoke, “Oh Spiiike? Spi~ke? Could you help me with the VCR? I’d like to tape the Antique Roadshow in case there’s something I miss during my numerous trips to the bathroom!”

Twilight was less than amused. “Shut up!”

“Also, could you let Rarity know that I can’t accompany her to the matinee this afternoon? My ‘funny wing’ has been acting up again!”

“SHUT UP!”

“Oh, and could you please leave a note for Celestia, stating that I’d like the sun to be a tad brighter? I sometimes can’t admire its beauty through the wrinkled flab over my eyes!”

With that, Twilight charged at him with full force, knocking him to the ground. With her hooves pinning his gangly limbs, she began tickling him fiercely with her wings.

Between outbursts of laughter, he attempted to speak, “Ok, ok! I give, I’ll stop!”

“Who’s in control?!”

“You! You are!”

“’You?’ Who’s this ‘you’ that you speak of? What did I teach you?”

“Y-y-you’re Twilight Sparkle: Duke of New York, A-Number-1!”

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“Y-YOU ARE THE DUKE OF NEW YORK, YOU’RE A-NUMBER-1!”

She jumped off his writhing body, “That’s right, and don’t you forget it!” She sat back down at the table.

“Look, all I’m saying is that it’s a chore anymore to wake up before you.” He regained his place at the table. “Don’t you remember the days when I’d have to drag you out of bed at nine?”

“It wasn’t that long ago,” Twilight began, “but you’ve got a point. I’ve been getting up super early since we moved back to the castle.” She looked at one of the stained glass pieces, one that commemorated the mane six and their triumph over Discord. “It seems like only yesterday we were dealing with one of our wacky adventures, huh?”

“Don’t look at me,” Spike shook his head with his claws in a defensive pose, “most of that junk was on you. The only one that involved me was that whole ‘Crystal Empire’ thing.”

“‘Involved’? What do you mean ‘involved’? You saved the Crystal Empire, almost single-hoofedly!” Twilight retorted.

“Not this again, Twi.” He rubbed his temples in annoyance. “For the last time, it was a ‘right place, right time’ situation!”

“My flank! Spike, just accept the fact that you’re a hero, just like the rest of us!”

“Yeah yeah, whatever you say, ‘Princess’.” Spike took a bite of haycake, “So, we got anything on the agenda after setting up for the Gala?”

Twilight shot him a discrediting look. “Are you serious? You already forgot?”

“Forgot what?”

Twilight facehoofed. “Spike, you’re going over to my parents’ house to help move furniture!”

“Oh yeah… good thing you reminded me.” Spike laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “It’s all brawn, no brain with you, isn’t it?”

“And don’t forget the devilishly good looks, my dear.” He flexed to emphasize his statement.

“Whatever, ‘Adonis’, just wash your plate, and let’s get going.” Twilight rolled her eyes and brought her plate to the kitchen.

“You got it, twinkle butt!”

<><><><><><><><>
Later that very same day…
<><><><><><><><>

“Alright, everything’s set for tonight.” Velvet said to herself, preparing a provocative dinner for two. “He should be arriving within the hour.”

53 minutes later, she heard a knock at the door. “Comi~ng!” she sang. She happily trotted to the door and opened it, only to be greeted by her husband. “Nacht, I thought I told you to get out of here! He’ll be here any minute!”

“I know, I know. I just forgot my Kimble. Let me grab it and I’ll be out of your mane.” He said, rushing to find his knick-knack.

“I’ve never seen you read a book in my life!” Velvet chuckled.

“I… I like to read when I’m drunk, ok? It gives me something to do between vomiting!” He hesitantly admitted. She was shocked to see his slight blush, confirming his skeleton. After finding it, he headed out the door. “Oh, I’ll probably pick up some food on the way back. Do we still have that Chipotl-Away?”

“We don’t even wear pants, you idiot! Now get out of here!” She shoved him out the door.

“I love y-” *SLAM*

She walked back over to the couch, just as there was another knock at the door. She furiously marched back to the door and swung it open.

“JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! HE’LL BE… here any… mi…” her voice trailed off, as her visitor raised his scaly brow.

“Uh, I can come back if you-”

“NO! I mean, heh heh, no, Spike. Please, come in.” She frantically waved off her outburst, and motioned him in. “I hope there was no trouble getting here!”

“Oh, it was fine. I forgot the address, but the house looked familiar.” Spike said as he walked into the living room. “So, I take it the bed’s upstairs?”

“Yes, my wonderful husband took so much time out of his day to take it off the bed, so now it’s just leaning on the wall in our room! I was hoping we could move this couch out of the way first, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Of course not.” They each grabbed an end of the couch and swiftly moved it to the wall. They then proceeded up the stairs to retrieve the mattress.

‘Mmm, dem muscles.’ She thought to herself, ogling his figure as they walked up the stairs.

“Which room is it?”

“Hmm?” she mumbled, occupied with her own horny imagination.

He stopped and turned around in the hallway, hoping to make his question clearer. “Where’s the bedroom?”

Unbeknownst to her, she quickly collided with the drake, causing him to fall backwards onto his head, his ivory companion following.

“Good thing I’m thick-headed.” He said to himself, as he looked to see that she was lying on top of him, her haunches just below his waist and her chin on the base of his neck. She groaned as she lifted her head. A harsh silence filled the house, as she quickly realized her face was within inches of his. They could practically taste each other’s breath, as each was too stunned to say or do anything.

“Uhh,” Spike broke what felt like hours of silence, “so where’s the bedroom?”

His look—along with his double entendre-esque question—was so deviously innocent that she wanted to take him right then and there. It took almost every muscle in her body to restrain herself from “blowing her load” too soon. She carefully removed herself from the dragon and cleared her throat. “I do apologize, dear. I’m afraid I had something on my mind that was rather… troubling. Anywho, the bedroom is right up here, on the left.”

“Alrighty then…” he got up and continued to the room. No sooner did he find the mattress and walked over to inspect it. “That’s weird, it doesn’t look like anything’s wrong with it. Why are you throwing it out?”

Her head shot up quickly, sweat beginning to show in her coat. “Uh…” ‘C’mon, Velvet! You’ve gotten yourself out of worse pickles [MORE LIKE THE OTHER WAY AROUND, HEYO], think, thiiink, thiiiiink…’ A shitty 3-D montage of her wriggling brain soon followed.

“HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXI-CLEAN! PUT IT O-”
“…and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! *slurp*”
“Well, I woke up to get me a col’ pop, and I thought someone wa-”
“…factory malfunction has made the product viable for recall.”

“BRAIN BLAST!” she exclaimed, waving her hoof in the air.

Spike looked at her in complete disbelief. “W-what?”

“I heard on the news that these mattresses had faulty frames, and that many customers had caused serious damage to themselves. So I thought, ‘why be another statistic’?” she smiled and laughed sheepishly.

“…Ok then, I guess.” Spike said, shrugging his shoulders. “So should we just two-pony this thing do-” he stopped, noticing as he attempted to lift it that it was incredibly light. “This is pretty light, Mrs. Sparkle. Are you sure you needed my help with this?”

“Dear, I’m sure everything you lift seems incredibly light, what with those muscles and all.” The last fragment of her sentence fainted to a whisper. She caught herself drooling, as she imagined what those muscles could do to her.

“Well, I guess I can get it myself. Just be my eyes in the back.” He lifted the mattress with great ease, and shimmied his way out the bedroom door, the white unicorn getting quite the eyeful behind him. He slowly worked his way to the stairs. “Ok, let me know how I’m doin’.” He said as he began his slow trek down the stairs.

“You’re good… you’re good… ‘Celestia, you’re good’… good… ‘he could probably break me in half if he wanted to’… almost there… ‘that better not be the last time I say that tonight’… aaand… yay! You did it!” she cheered, as he managed to transport the fuck-cushion without any compromise to the numerous walls.

“Heh, it’s no biggie. It’s a lot lighter than what I was expecting.” He rubbed the back of his neck in bashfulness.

“Now we just have to get the new one up there.”

<><><><><><><><>
Montages are stupid…
<><><><><><><><>

“Phew,” Spike wiped his brow in success, “glad that’s over with.” He looked down at his watch, which apparently he had on this whole time. “Well, it’s getting pretty late. Glad I could help, Mrs. Sparkle, I’ll tell Twilight you said ‘visit me more often’.” He was heading out the door when her voice stopped him.

“Spike, wait!”

“What?”

“Now you certainly didn’t expect me to have you do all this work for me without giving you a little… ‘reward’ now, did you?” She walked slowly down the steps, donning an attractive azure dress, shooting him a seductive look.

“You’re talking to the guy who fawned over somepony for several years with almost no emotional return; it’s practically what I do best.” He deadpanned.

She recoiled slightly hearing this. “Well, I would never do such a thing to someone as sweet and caring as you.” She stated, approaching him and rubbing his cheek. “As I said, as a ‘thank you’ I have a little surprise for you.” She led him back into the house and shut the door.

“What kind of surprise?” he asked, as his eyes were cupped shut with her hooves.

“I’ll show you.” She whispered into his fin-ear-thing. She led him slowly into another room, and released her hooves. What lay before him was a bounty of glorious, delicious food, topped with the most enticing gems he had ever seen.

“Wow, four-cheese lasagna with rubies, gelded horse-nuggets with emerald sprinkles, even Sergeant Scremble’s ‘Rusty Latrine’ Fortune Feast with amethyst sorbet! This must’ve taken you hours to prepare!” his drool began coating the table.

“Oh, hardly. A lot of it is just basic baking. The rest, well, I felt you deserved it after being so helpful today.” She hid her blush, despite his eye-raping of the feast before him.

“But wait, what are you gonna eat?” he asked.

“Look again, dear.”

He noticed the food—save the Fortune Feast, of course—was split into halves that held gems and halves that didn’t. “Oh. Alright, let’s dig in!”

<><><><><><><><>
♪ Money money money MO-NEY ♪
<><> MO-NEY! <><>

“Ah, that, that right there, was delicious. Thank you so much, Mrs. Sparkle.” Spike said, rubbing his satisfied stomach.

“Please Spike, call me Velvet. ‘Mrs. Sparkle’ makes me sound so old.” She said coyly.

“‘Old’? Your daughter’s older than you, for goodness sake! Compared to her, you’re like a high-schooler!” He laughed heartily.

“Oh stop, you. My Twilight’s not ‘old’. She’s just… responsible.” She bore a straight face before bursting into laughter herself. “Sometimes she reminds me too much of my own mother.” She continued reminiscing, until a dragon shooting a concerned look to his empty plate caught her eye. “Spike, dear, is something the matter?”

“Earlier, in the… hallway,” Spike paused, “you mentioned something troubling you. Are you sure you’re ok? You seemed pretty out of it.” He asked with a gentle look on his face.

She was shocked that he’d remember something so mundane. ‘You be careful, young Spike. Keep it up, and I just might fall for you.’ “Oh, it’s nothing… concrete. It’s more… abstract.” She attempted to use vague, “deep” terminology to keep him off her scent.

“So it’s something you’re worried about that might be going on?”

‘Dammit, Spike! What are you, a mind reader?’ “Well, I mean… kind of. I just feel like…”

“It’s not something to do with Twilight’s dad, is it?”

“How did you know?” ‘Stupid, stupid! Why did you say that? You could’ve said anything but that!’

“You seemed to have a venom about you when you’ve mentioned him the last couple days. Are you guys alright?”

“Yes… well, I mean…” ‘Well fuck, might as well fabricate the truth. If anything, that might get him on my side, not to mention into my bed.’ “I just… I feel like he… might be s-… seeing other mares.” She said in almost a whisper. ‘That didn’t come out as planned, he’ll probably think I’m joking.’

“What makes you think that?” he asked with serious concern.

“Well, he… always seems to come home late, s-smelling like perfume. It’s just… I don’t know. Even if he isn’t, just the thought is helping me realize just how old and… unwanted I’m becoming. As he grows more handsome with age, I just get more and more…” she didn’t even bother finishing her thought. She sat there with teary eyes, looking down in silence until she felt a claw take soft grip of her hoof. She looked up to see that the drake had moved next to her with a determined look in his eyes.

“Cheating or not, he’d have to be a damned fool not to see the beautiful and loving unicorn he has right in front of him.”

‘Hold it together, Velvet. Don’t fall in love with him! It’s just for SEX, remember?’ “Spike, that’s… that’s the nicest thing anypony’s ever said about me.”

“I mean every word of it. If I had someone half as good as you, I’d hold on to ‘em and never let go.” He said with a soft smile.

‘…Fuck it, let’s do this.’ She quickly leaned toward him and planted her lips against his. After several moments of struggle, her tongue forced its way through his sharp teeth, the slight scratches only exciting her more. His hesitant tongue fought against her irate muscle, as his brain toiled with their current situation. He gently pushed her off of him.

“M-Mrs. Sparkle, what’re you do-” she brought a hoof to his mouth.

“‘Velvet’.” He moved her hoof to the side.

“What was that about?!” he asked frantically.

‘Cue the waterworks.’ She faked a look of shock, and dropped her head, sniffling. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Spike. It’s just… everything you said, made me… feel so loved. I haven’t felt that happy in a long time. You really know how to make a mare feel special.” She said with an airy laugh and eyes caked in tears. “H-he just doesn’t notice me anymore… I just… feel so alone.” She wrapped her hooves around his shoulders and began bawling into his chest. They sat in the dim candlelight, as he continued physically consoling her until she lifted her head. “I’m sorry I got you into this, Spike. To be honest, I… might have wanted something like this from the beginning.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just, I want to know what it’s like to… be with somepony else. I mean, I think back to the days when Nacht was so loveable and caring, and I truly miss those days. I miss him coming home and explaining his day, allowing me to see his emotions for what they truly were. You remind me so much of how he was when we first started dating, so helpful and sincere. I just… I see you, and I see what I really look for in a stallion.” She sniffled and cracked a weak smile. “Well, that and you’re pretty hot.”

Spike snickered, “Can’t blame ya there.” They shared a brief laugh, until Spike spoke up again. “So… when you asked me over… there was more to it, wasn’t there?”

“Well, yes. I… I wasn’t completely honest with you earlier.” She started fiddling with her hooves, similar to a mischievous child. “I was aware that Nacht was cheating on me, and I kinda wanted to have some ‘revenge’ of my own. But don’t take that the wrong way!” she desperately shook her hooves toward him. “It’s not like it was meant to be petty vengeance or anything like that! I… I took time. I wanted to make sure it would be someone that I could trust, and someone who wouldn’t think of me as some pervert so hell-bent on revenge that she’d jeopardize her family in order to get it.” Spike opened his mouth to speak, but was fed her hoof once more. “Please, let me finish. You’re a great guy, Spike. Yes, part of this is to help me find peace within myself, but it’s also a way to show you just how great you really are.” As she spoke, her face drew closer to his. “Please, just go with it.”

Once more, their mouths met with passionate fury, much more consensual and sanguine than last time. This time it was Velvet who broke the kiss. “Shall we take this upstairs?” she whispered into his fin-ear-thing.

“Eh, I don’t know. Are you sure about this?” he asked with hesitation.

“Like I said, dear, I’ve thought about this—long and hard. Speaking of ‘long and hard’.” She began scoping his figure as she walked toward the stairs.

Spike groaned. “How about instead of ‘Velvet’ I call you ‘Velveeta’, ‘cause you’re starting to sound real cheesy.” He began to fantasize about an imaginary marefriend he once conceptualized made entirely out of pizza. No longer would he have to choose between a quickie and a midnight snack, he just had to watch what he ate.

“Alright, Jethro, just get your scaly butt up here!” she exclaimed, trotting up the stairs.

“Everything went better than expected.” Spike said to himself, sporting an unreadable smile. He slowly made his way up the stairs into her bedroom, full of doubt and hesitation. When he arrived, the sight was one to burn into his memory forever; Velvet sprawled over the bed, exposing her entire underside to the young dragon. The sweat in her fur gave her a faint glisten in the candlelight, her stare beckoning him to join her. He made his way to the foot of the bed, and gently crawled his way to the head. Their stare was unwavering, each lost in the other’s aura, until he dropped his head to connect lips.

After several minutes, he released the lip-lock and gradually retreated to the foot of the bed, planting his knees on the floor. This gave him an up-close view of the mare’s private area, the scent alone driving his conscience into a tailspin—any doubt he held before was obliterated, as he quickly moved in and began to lick the exterior portion of her lips. Her airy groans were begging him to proceed, but he felt like teasing her further. If he was going to be used like this, he’d at least make sure that he was the one in control. He continued dancing around the figurative rim until he heard her beg “Pleeease, Spike. I can’t take this anymore.” He looked up to see her face contorted with a mixture of plea and aggravation. He formed a devilish grin, and whipped her most sensitive spot with his tongue. She let out an ecstatic yelp, and her body flinched momentarily.

“Let’s get one thing straight,” he began “if we’re doing this, we’re doing it my way. I am your guest, after all.”

“Y-… yes, of course. W-what kind of host would I be if I can’t honor my guest’s request?” she said with a nervous chuckle. ‘Celestia, Spike, how are you able to read me so well?’

“…Alright.” He said as he gradually slid his tongue into her slit, massaging it as he went deeper. Her various moans became louder as he delved deeper through her walls. He finally reached the cervix, and began moving his entire muscle that gave her a sensation like no other. Her moans became hushed screams, and just as climax was near, he suddenly stopped. “Are you ready?” he asked with his tongue still deep within her.

“Yes! Dear Celestia, yes! Please, Spike!” she begged with her back arched.

He chuckled, “No you’re not.” He quickly resumed his motion—much more intensely—and extracted a bit more of his tongue, which wrapped around her clitoris and began squeezing it.

Within moments, her screams rose an octave as she released her fluids all over the bed. His face was soaked in her glistening juices, which he promptly lapped up with erogenous thirst. They each spared a moment to catch their breath and slow their heart rate before Spike spoke again.

“Just look at the mess you’ve made! What kind of host causes such a mess for their guest?” he said with a fake scorn.

“Oh dear,” she said between breaths “perhaps I should get a towel?”

“No need. You have a mouth, don’t you?” She nodded, and quickly flipped her position so she was facing the puddle. She began to gently lap at the mess, her love quivering at the sour taste. She was so entranced with the stain, she hadn’t noticed her partner position himself on the bed behind her. She jolted when she felt something prod against her, and whipped around to face him. Her mouth dropped slightly when she realized.

“Y-you have two?” she had to keep herself from drooling. Each were of average stallion size, but with a more conical structure. They stood proud, as her imagination went wild. She slowly brought her face toward them, her breath flowing between them. As if it was instinctual, her tongue fell out of her mouth and gently licked the tip of the top member. He let out a pleasurable sigh, as she made her way to the bottom. She gently placed the tip in her mouth and steadily took it in. She halted when she finally reached the base, and looked up at him with lust-filled eyes.

Spike couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight. She was deep-throating his bottom member while his top sat across the center of her face. ‘It looks like a sideways division sign.’ She figured he was imagining some sort of “dickhead” pun, and ignored his chuckles as she began to bob her head. After several minutes, he still showed no visual or audible signs of climax, so an idea popped in her head. Spike could almost feel the light bulb go off inside of her as she slowly released his member and shot him a devious grin.

She tilted her head, and wrapped her mouth around both joysticks. This drew from him a much heavier groan, as she started to bob up and down while having her tongue dance between them. She could start to feel them twitch, as he forced her head off of him.

“No, I want to do it inside.” She nodded once more and turned around to present herself to him, much as she unintentionally did before. He brought his dragonhood to her love, and asked her “One or both?”

“Both, please. But be gentle.” She requested, muffled by the love-stained covers.

He shifted himself to gift her both of his members, and prodded her once more. He heard a faint whimper and asked, “Are you sure?”

She nodded, nuzzling her earlier juices. She couldn’t wait any longer—she craved this. He slowly penetrated her, and he could hear her passionate whimpering through the covers. Once he was fully inside, he began to gently move back and forth, earning him continuous groans from the mare. Once confident that he wouldn’t hurt her, he thrust forward. The forceful push against her cervix caused her to shoot up and scream passionately. Thus, his previous motions continued, as she writhed in ecstasy. Her moans filled his ears with pleasure.

That is, until he heard a faint knocking.

He stopped for a moment to confirm what he heard. She whined, “Aw, why’d you sto~p?” He heard the knocking again. His reptilian ears could sense disturbances in the nearby area, even pick up on things that normal ponies couldn’t hear.

*Knock, knock* “Spi~ke? Are you in there?”

‘Oh shit, Twilight. Better wrap this up.’ He quickly grabbed the mare’s head and shoved it into the bed, and with the other, placed his thumb on her clitoris. He rapidly shoved his members into her several times, while pressuring her most erogenous spot. She was screaming in pure ecstasy, as with one final push, they both heavily climaxed on one another.

As her scream died to a whisper, he quickly removed himself from the bed. He knelt down next to her head and whispered “Sorry, Twi’s here, I gotta go.” He kissed her forehead and rushed downstairs.

She was too entranced from the most intense orgasm of her life to respond—her mind was completely numb.

He knew Twilight well enough that she always goes through five knock-cycles before giving up. ‘That’d mean she’s almost on her third cycle, so the next one will be three knocks. I don’t have much time.’ He quickly began to scan the kitchen for something to both calm his members and remove the scent of male and female ejaculate from his person.

*Knock knock knock* “Mo~m? Is Spike still there with you?”

“Shit!” he exclaimed, as he began to search through the fridge. His eyes settled on a strawberry milkshake. “Well, I’ve done worse.” He quickly grabbed the Styrofoam cup from the fridge, and poured it atop his groin. “FUCKING CELESTIA THAT’S COLD!” he yelled, as his members quickly retreated back into his sexy hips. He grabbed a nearby washcloth and vigorously scrubbed himself clean.

*Knock knock knock*

He hurried to the door and opened it. “Oh, hey Twi. I was just about to head back when I heard you knocking.”

“Oh good, you’re still here. I thought you might’ve wandered off or something. Why’d my mom keep you so late?”

“Oh, uh…” he searched his mind for an excuse. “She, uh, needed help with the…” his mind drifted to the numerous porno clichés that he always pictured himself in. “cable! Yeah, she uh, she’s been getting a lousy picture as of late, and she said she was gonna call in a technician. I told her I dabbled, and she let me have a go at it. Turns out it was wiring in the basement. I only wish I’d known that before wasting an hour up here.” He rubbed the back of his head while laughing sheepishly.

She sniffed audibly. “Is that… strawberry?”

“Oh, uh…” his lying lobe was working up a storm today. “I… she had these…” he remembered her parents’ recent trip to New Mexicolt. “soaps that she bought in New Mexicolt. They had these ‘massage crystals’ in them, which were essentially micro-size gems! I uh, couldn’t help myself.” *squee*.

Twilight rolled her eyes before cringing. “Did you eat the soap too? Your breath is a tad… awful.” She said with a pinched nose.

‘Shit, forgot about the breath.’ “Yeah, heh heh, guess I got a little carried away, huh?”

“Anyway, where’s Mom? I meant to send her and Dad’s Gala tickets over with you, but since I forgot, I brought them over myself.”

“Oh, she’s… in the shower. I told her I was gonna head out, and she figured it’d be a good time to wind down for the day.”

“‘Wind down’? What has she done today?”

“She uh… she told me she spent the morning with her friends. She said they all played, uh… tennis! She played tennis, and she was a tad sweaty.”

“Tennis? I didn’t know she played tennis. But why didn’t she just shower when she got back?”

“I ran into her just as she got back. She didn’t want to do it then and leave me with all the work. She still treats me as if I’m a ‘guest’, which is kinda weird to me.” He smirked on the inside, remembering their earlier dialogue.

“Oh, that’s just like her, always aiming to please. So should I leave these on the counter, or something?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave a note. If you start back now, I’ll catch up with you.”

“Alright, but hurry, it’s already sundown.”

He hurried into the kitchen and grabbed a quill and paper. He quickly jotted down a note:

Mrs. Sp Velvet,

Sorry we had to cut it short, but I’ll pay you back for the milkshake.

Spike

P.S. Twilight dropped off two Gala tickets for you guys. I’ll leave them next to this note.

He rushed out the door and after his lavender companion. ‘Damn,’ he thought ‘it was just starting to get good, too. Hopefully I’ll get another chance someday.’

<><><><><><><><>
Later…
<><><><><><><><>

Velvet awoke from her peaceful slumber, her face sticky with her own love juices. She rolled out of bed, but her hind legs were too shaky to stand properly. “Spike?” she yelled as she hobbled down the stairs. She approached the kitchen, and her attention directed her to the note. She read it quickly, and said to herself, “Twily, why must you always interrupt Mommy’s ‘happy time’?” She double-checked the first part. “‘Milkshake’?” She looked in the fridge to see that the milkshake she had saved from yesterday was gone. “Aw, I wanted that!” she whined. “Oh well, guess he’ll just have to… ‘repay’ me.” She said with an evil grin.

To be continued…

Author's Note

Good news, I survived a tornado! Bad news, my car didn't... not that that has anything to do with this chapter's latency. Clop is by far the most boring and strenuous thing to write, so don't expect me to ever do it again.

R&R if that's what you're into. I'm into weasel pelts, but Steve isn't...

Chapter 3: The Gala

Greetings, fellow mutants.

As stated before, I’m not going to narrate the clop scenes anymore—it’s far too strenuous to be creative with such a natural thing. I’m sure you’re all imaginative enough to “fill in the blanks”. Not to fret, however; there will be plenty of sexual tension and lewd acts to feed your brain. As a great man once said, “You filthy children deserve a spanking.” On with the debacle…

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“I’m not black enough to enjoy this.”
~ President Barack Obama on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Dinner With the Sparkles

Chapter 3: The Gala

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The starlit sky danced above the lavender alicorn and drake as they returned to their stony abode. “So what’d she have you do that kept you there for so long?” she turned to him and cocked a brow.

“It was basically a complete rewiring of her system. She had me go through every single cord and unplug and plug them back in to make sure it was properly connected. Now I know where you get your anal retentiveness from.” He chuckled.

“Oh, shut up. We’re just… detailed. Anyway, according to Celestia, the guest count was confirmed and everything as of now has been taken care of. We get tomorrow off!” she exclaimed cheerfully.

“Nice! Wanna do anything?”

“The library could always use re-shelving!” Her eyes widened in excitement.

He shuddered audibly. He always thought the Ponyville library was massive, but then he moved back to the castle and got a near-daily dose of the Canterlot library. It was the freshest Hell he’s ever experienced. “We agreed that that word should only be used in vain.” He crossed his arms and furrowed his brow.

“What? Why can’t I say lib-” she was cut off by a claw gripping her muzzle.

He leaned toward her ear and whispered, “If you say it again, the consequences will be dire.” His voice was much darker than usual. She shook free and stared him down. With squinted eyes, she said it once more.

“Library.”

He quickly tackled her and began tickling her furiously. She was on her back, so wing retaliation was all but possible. Her cackles echoed through the quiet streets.

“I warned you about libraries, Twi! I told you dog!” his barrage of tickling only grew heavier.

“I-HI-HI-HIT KE-HEEPS HAPPENING! HAHAHAHA!!!”

“I told you, Twi! I told you about libraries!”

“Ple-he-hease stop! I won’t—HAHAHA—I won’t sa-hay it anymore!”

“Pinkie promise?”

“YE-HES! PLEASE!”

He jumped off of her, and bolted to the castle giggling like a filly.

“Hey! Wait up!”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“♫ Big adventure, tons of fu~n, a beautiful heart, faithful and stro~ng ♫” Spike sang to himself as he readied for bed. After de-grossing his gem-hole, he slipped into bed and quickly fell asleep.

‘Sure glad I got an actual bed now.’ He thought as he entered the dream world. Spike had long ago uncovered the secret to lucid dreaming, and he questioned whether or not he could call himself an “expert” having such high and consistent control over his own mind. ‘What’ve we got today?’ He opened his eyes and saw that he was playing video games with Shining Armor. All it took was a glance to know what the game was.

“Oh dude, you’re SO going down!” Spike exclaimed, as he began pounding the living crap out of his opponent.

“Of course you always have to pick the cheap one.” Shining muttered.

“Sonic is not cheap! Sonic’s just fast!” Spike yelled in annoyance.

“Dude, isn’t he the reason they banned Smash Balls at our tournament?”

“Well, sorry I don’t go for stock, ‘Captain Mario’.”

“Hey, if it ain’t broke.” Shining said, shrugging.

Spike caught sight of the aforementioned object as it came onto screen. “Oh, it’s about to be.” He swiftly jumped to the top of the screen, and began pummeling the hovering ball until it broke. A multi-colored light soon enveloped him, and just as quickly, his character turned to gold. “Taste the chrome!” Sonic then went ~~full retard~~ Super Saiyan all over his plumber counterpart, until Mario flew off-screen into the vast purgatory below.

“Dammit! Every time!” Shining threw his controller in frustration. “I don’t even know why I play this with you anymore.”

“You know you love it.” Spike replied coyly. “Anything else you wanna play?”

Shining started sifting through his pile of miscellaneous games. “Pong? No. Kong? Uh-uh. CoD? Not a chance. Wow, I forgot I had this game.” He showed the cover to the drake.

“Wow,” Spike spoke in an imitative voice “what a steaming pile of dookie-butts with diarrhea dressing!”

Shining began to laugh heartily. “Dude, please don’t start that again. I’m gonna barf for reals.”

“I’ve never played such a bad game in my life! Talk about induced vomiting. I once forced myself to vomit to extract expired milk from my system, and it sucked way less than this game! What a bunch of fecal dripping dog shampoo, coated in cat barf, and stuffed with bloody chunks of elephant shit!”

Shining was now on the floor, unable to form words through his painful laughter.

“Who’s ever heard of a flying carpet? Why would something made for the floor be floating around? And why is the genie blue? Why not green? Come on, game designers, get with it!”

“I’m gonna fuckin’ barf!” he said between his manic laughter.

“This game makes me wanna barf. I once fisted my mother’s butthole, and she liked it way better than this game! What a steaming pile of goat feces, wrapped i-” his mouth was suddenly zipped shut, as Shining had forcefully silenced his friend before hurting his ribcage any further.

They eventually settled on Primal Rage. They slapped it into the Pegasus (it’s almost mandatory to make as many pony puns as possible, it seems) and began clawing the shit out of each other. Shining hesitated to ask Spike about something.

“Don’t you get offended by this sort of thing?”

Spike looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s reptiles killing other reptiles! Isn’t that like, cannibalism or something to you?”

Spike shook his head. “I swear, you’re getting dumber every day.”

He shrugged it off and continued the game. Moments later, he looked at Spike in shock. “Errr… uh, bro?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, dude?” Spike responded, still focused on the game.

“Where are your pants?”

Spike paused to look at himself. He hadn’t even noticed that he was sporting a rather nice tuxedo. Unfortunately, he was only dressed to the waist. “I took them off because I was banging your mom for a minute there…” He looked over to see that not only had Shining resumed their game, but Velvet had appeared out of nowhere and positioned herself to be fucked doggy-style by her son. “AND NOW YOU ARE BANGING HER!” Spike laughed out loud as Velvet turned to face him. Her face quickly took the shape of a demon’s, and she screeched like an alarm clock. Confusion fell over the drake, and not soon after, the demon lunged at him.

“AAH!” Spike screamed as he shot up. “Man, that got strange toward the end. I gotta lay off that internet.” He shut off his alarm and started his morning. The mare entered his thoughts once more. “I hope she isn’t upset with me. Celestia knows Twilight would be if she ever found out.” He yawned and stretched as he headed downstairs.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Wait, so you never told him I was in on it?” Nacht asked, confused.

“Of course not. He wouldn’t have believed me if I had.” His wife responded, taking another sip of her coffee.

“So he thinks I’m none the wiser?”

“Dear, I think that’s only true when you’re wise to begin with.” She giggled.

“Oh, ha ha.” He continued reading his paper. ‘This just made the Gala ten times better. Trolldad mode: activated.’ He snickered evilly to himself.

“Oh, and don’t think I’m done either.”

“Huh?” He lifted his head to face his wife.

“I won’t force him into it, but trust me when I say I’ve got a lot more in store for him.” She blushed heavily as she took another swig of bean juice.

Nacht rolled his eyes and continued reading. “Whatever you say, dear.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Mornin’ Twi.” Spike said as he descended the stairs, scratching his back.

“Look at you! I didn’t even have to wake you today!” she said excitedly. “What’s got you up so early?”

He recalled in his head the real-life and imagined sexual encounters with his friend’s mother. “Oh, you know… just wanna make the most of this day off!” he laughed sheepishly.

“Got that right. Since you’re up so early, how about we hit Pony Joe’s for breakfast?” By the time the question escaped her lips, she was picked up and carried in his arm as he bolted to the restaurant. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’”

<><><><><><><><>
The Gala
<><><><><><><><>

“Man, I hate this suit.” Spike stretched the collar with his claw in an attempt to get more comfortable. He scanned the packed room for anyone with which to mingle. None of their friends had arrived yet, so he figured they were heading to the Gala together.

“Yes, royal garb has a tendency to be rather… uncomfortable.” Spike turned around to discover Luna behind him. “But fare through the night, and thou will be glad thou’st had.” She giggled and gave him a wink before trotting off.

‘What the heck was that? Was she… propositioning me?’ He quickly found a mirror to inspect himself. Flawless, just like always. ‘With me looking like this, probably.’ “Lookin’ good, Spike. Lookin’ reeeal good.”

“Well some things don’t change, do they?” a bubbly voice seemed to ask out of thin air. He looked for the source of the question, but there was none to be found. “Up here, silly!”

He looked up and saw a pink earth pony atop the mirror he was just eye-raping. “Pinkie!” She jumped down and tackled him into a massive bear hug.

“How’s my favorite dragon?”

“Oh, you know, can’t complain. You?”

“I’m SOOO happy now that I found you! It took me two whole minutes! For being the only dragon in a pony-filled castle, you sure know how to hide!” she said, lightly poking him in the chest.

“Well, you’re a nice change from torches and pitchforks.” He said, recalling several instances where the newer Canterlot folk were unaware of the dragon’s residence in the city. “So how’s the gang?”

“Well, Rainbow and the other Wonderbolts just got done with their tour, so she says they’re gonna party like never before tonight!”

“Sounds about right.”

“The Apples’ new harvest is finally ready, so business has never been better!”

“Nice, ‘Bloom enjoying herself?”

“You bet! She sure has a knack for that kinda thing! Uh, Rarity’s… enjoying herself with… Thunder… lane…” she fainted to a whisper, knowing she was salting fresh wounds.

“Mmhmm,” he muttered. “Fluttershy?”

“OH! She just started a bird-watching club, and almost everypony in Cheerilee’s class wanted to join! She’s never been so popular! Well, unless you count that whole ‘modeling’ thing.”

“Good for her.” He regained his happiness.

“And Pinkie’s… what has Pinkie been up to? Where is she? I’ll ask her!” She began searching the area for herself. “Oh wait, I’m Pinkie! Well, Pinkie’s been great!”

“I figured as much.” He said, chuckling. “The Cakes?”

“OOH! The kids started school this year! They’re really fast learners! They even beat me at chess!”

“I didn’t know you could play chess.”

“I can’t! That’s how good they are!”

Spike furrowed his brow in confusion, but shrugged it off. “That’s cool. So I take it you all came together?”

“You bet! You can go say ‘hi’ to the others while I go find Twilight!”

“Best bet would be to look for Sun Butt; she’s never more than a stone’s throw away from her.”

“Got it! See ya Spike!”

Spike smiled and waved. He made his way back to the main room. The numerous additions made it even harder to find anyone he knew. He stayed close to the wall, so as not to impede the party’s newcomers. It was when he was passing the narrow hallway to the kitchen that somepony yanked him away. They slammed him against the wall, his head bouncing off of it. “Ow! What the heck?” He opened his eyes to see his ivory assailant. “Velvet? What are you- oh yeah, the tickets…”

“And just where have you been, my big, sexy dragon? Just thought you could have your way with me and dump me, just like that?” she asked with a fake pout.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been dreaming of my scaly prince ever since our little ‘rendezvous’.” She said, twirling her hoof on his chest.

‘Dreaming about me? Guess that explains Luna.’ Spike thought to himself. “So, what’s on your mind?”

She was visibly hurt by the question. “You don’t answer my calls, you don’t hang out with me anymore, have I gotten… ‘tiring’ to you?”

“A: It’s been two days. B: You haven’t tried to call, so how am I supposed to ignore something that hasn’t even happened?”

“Oh, I’m just pulling your leg.” She said with a soft smile. She leaned to his fin-ear-thing and whispered, “I would like seconds, if it’s ok with you.”

“Aren’t you worried that we might get caught? We almost did last time.” Spike deadpanned.

“There’s a room in the back of the kitchen that nopony’s using.”

He looked at her in disbelief. “Or we could just go to my room.”

“Won’t that look awfully suspicious? More so than a couple of wandering cooks in one of the nation’s most famous kitchens!”

“…Point taken. I still don’t know about this. Aren’t you here with your husband?”

“Oh, he’s getting shit-faced. He won’t bother me until he needs me to carry him home.”

“I still think this is a bad idea.” Spike said as he slowly walked back toward the party. “I feel like we should just stop before this gets out of hoof.” As he was about to make a third entrance into the party, he noticed another ivory unicorn with a dark grey pegasus. He quickly hid himself again. The pegasus made a lewd attempt at squeezing the unicorn’s plot, succeeded, and was followed by fake disgust and a giggle from the unicorn. She lightly pushed him away and mentioned something about saving it for their “private encounters”.

With a billow of smoke escaping his nostrils, he quickly turned around, put Velvet on his back and made a beeline for the kitchen.

<><><><><><><><>
20 Minutes Later…
<><><><><><><><>

“This might be the best Gala yet! Big ups for puttin’ it together!” Rainbow Dash lauded Twilight for her efforts.

“Thanks, Rainbow. I couldn’t have done it without Spike, though. Speaking of which, have you seen him anywhere?”

Rainbow shook her head. “Nope, no idea where he is. Pinkie said she saw him earlier.”

“Oh, I hope he isn’t planning something, what with Rarity and all…”

“Relax, Twi. I know he’s upset, but he’s not the type to do anything he’d regret.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Spike walked out of the kitchen doors while readjusting his suit to its earlier configuration. He huffed out a sigh of sexual relief, and made his way back into the party. It wasn’t long until he conversed with the rest of his friends, save Rarity for obvious reasons. He made his way to the “adult” punchbowl, and poured himself some liquid happy.

“Well, if it isn’t the big, old dragon here to terrorize the party.” Spike raised his head and heard a drunken snicker. He turned to meet the stallion.

“O-oh! M-Mr. Sparkle! So glad you could make it!” Spike stuck his claw out with a heavy blush on his face, and they both shook ligaments.

“You’ve been a bit of a ghost, haven’t you? Seems like we haven’t seen each other in ages!” Nacht slurred, reeking of whiskey and punch.

“Y-yeah, sure feels like it, huh?” Spike laughed weakly.

“You look like you just got back from screwin’ somepony, huh?” he nudged Spike with his hoof.

Spike gulped. “W-w-what do you mean? I’m involuntarily single.”

Nacht burst out laughing. “‘Involuntarily single’, huh? I like that! Never short of a riot with you!” he patted him on the shoulder. “You’re probably beatin’ em off with a stick, eh?”

Spike relaxed slightly. “Unfortunately, being a foreign creature that’s bigger than you isn’t as good of a selling point as erotica makes it out to be.”

Nacht laughed heartily once more. “Crack o’ the whip, boy! Crack o’ the whip!” He calmed down before giving Spike a stern look. “Now, we need to talk.”

‘Oh shit, he knows! Shit! How could he have found out? Did Mrs. Sp-… Velvet tell him? Oh man, what’s he planning to do? Did he get drunk enough so he could come at me full force? Shit! I’m so stupid! Why did I let this happen? Me and my big dick! Oh well, guess I deserve this.’ “About what?” he sipped his punch in nervousness.

Nacht continued his cold stare for several seconds before answering. “When are you going to make an honest mare out of my Twilight?”

Spike had a spit-take before responding with “WHAT?!?”

“Oh come on, we all know you’re perfect for each other! You two have been inseparable since you were born!” He patted him on the back and chuckled. “I don’t see anypony—or dragon, for that matter—more fit for the job!”

Spike looked at him as if he’d just saw him rip his own face off and eat it. He decided, however, to play along. “B-b-but isn’t the father’s approval like the ‘kiss of death’, or something?”

“Oh, the only time she was ever rebellious was with socializing. You were the one who helped her through that, aren’t you?”

“N-not necessarily. It was mostly Celestia and Pinkie.”

Nacht began massaging Spike’s shoulders while he reminisced. “And where would a great mare be without a great stallion right behind her?” he asked in a low tone.

“Isn’t that a tad sexist?”

“Who cares?! I’m trying to speed this up a little, that’s all!”

“Speed what up?”

“You! And Twilight! Just get it over with before Velvet and I die of old age!” he waved his hooves in the air frantically, gaining the attention of nearby attendees.

Spike’s face was completely red from embarrassment as he shushed the pestiferous unicorn. “Even so, I don’t think she sees me that way!”

“Dude, from one guy to another, just give ‘er the D, already.”

Spike rolled his eyes as he took another drink. “I think you’ve had entirely too much to drink.”

“And you haven’t had enough.” Nacht tilted the dragon’s cup up, forcing all of it to go down his throat at once.

He coughed before asking, “What the heck?!”

“DRINKING CONTEST!” Nacht yelled. He set up six cups, each filled to the brim with punch. “First to down three wins!”

“I feel like this is a ba-”

“GO!”

Spike ignored his morals, and accepted the challenge. He downed his three before Nacht could finish his second. “BOOM!” he yelled, as he puffed out his chest. “And as a prize…” he quickly grabbed Nacht’s third cup, and chugged it. “Oh shit.” The alcohol had already taken effect, as his balance was now jeopardized.

“Velvet? Velve~t? Nachty want go home now!” Nacht drunkenly yelled between holding back vomit.

“Oh, there you are!” Velvet said as she made her way toward her husband. “I take my eyes off you for five minutes, and you go and make an ass of yourself!” She paused, leaned over to the nearby donkeys and said, “No offense.”

“None taken.” They looked at Nacht with disgust.

“Well Spike, I’m sorry we didn’t get a good chance to talk.” She said, feigning her first meeting with the drake since they arrived. “I’ll have to treat you to dinner sometime for helping with the ‘cable’!” she exclaimed as she began walking away with her husband. As Spike watched them leave, she turned back to him, retrieving something from under her dress.

She pulled out a baguette.

‘No way. There’s no way she kept that.’ He could see the stains and the glistening juices from there. ‘Wow, I don’t wanna know which hole she’s been harboring that in.’ From the darkened color and splotches, he had an idea. She slowly brought it to her mouth. ‘No fucking way.’ She quickly searched for the juiciest, most stained spot, and slowly took a bite from it.

She chewed it leisurely.

‘That is one freaky-ass mare.’ Spike thought as he shook his head. She winked at him, and continued out of the castle.

He drunkenly made his way to Twilight, who was finishing a conversation with Rarity and Thunderlane. They turned to look at him, as his look sobered vastly at the sight of them.

The tension in their realm was thick enough for a [insert racist comment here] and leave her. Rarity finally spoke up. “Why, hello Spike. Where have you been? We were just talking about you.” She feigned a smile and looked to Twilight. Twilight gave her a look that could only mean “Don’t pass this shit to me!”

He quickly turned to Twilight. “Twi, I’m gonna call it a night.” He started his way up the stairs.

“Already? Spike, it’s not even midnight.”

“Let’s just say your father partied enough for the both of us.”

“O… k… well, sleep well then.” She waved lightly to him as he continued to bed.

He flopped onto the bed and sighed audibly. ‘What a day. I swear, Velvet takes years off me with some of that stuff. And the baguette. Dear Celestia, the baguette. It’s a shame she’s taken.’ He quickly drifted off to sleep.

<><><><><><><><>
Later That Very Next Morning…
<><><><><><><><>

♫ This the hardest beat! This the hardest beat anybody’s ever heard, it’s made out of GUNSHOTS! Gunshots are the BEAT! Whatchu ever hear harder than that?
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
Takin’ off our shirts, bout to make these rifles burs.
Takin’ off our shirts, bout to make these rifles burs.
Takin’ off our shirts, bout to ma- ♫

*THUD*

Spike groggily awoke from his slumber with a throbbing headache and an awful taste in his mouth. After the basic hangover-subsiding morning activities, he descended the stairs to make breakfast. Alcohol, oddly enough, made it easier for him to wake up in the morning. After finishing the morning spread, he was greeted by his alicorn companion.

“Wow, good morning, Spike! And good spread!”

“Mornin’.” Spike said as he sat down to eat.

“According to everypony, you were kind of a ghost last night. I saw how you acted around Rarity. Was it really that big of an issue?” she looked genuinely concerned.

“No, not really. Like I said, your dad took me under his figurative wing and talked to me most of the night.”

“Oh, you know him. It’s a shame Shiny and Cadance couldn’t make it, though.”

“They still workin’ on that Crystal Empire treaty?”

“Yeah, they’ve been quite busy. But, according to them, they should be finished sometime this week!” she clopped her hooves in excitement.

“That’s good, they could use some time off.” Spike responded, taking a bite of his eggs.

“Speaking of which, I talked to my mother last night.” She said in a stern tone.

Spike had yet another spit-take and had another inner-freak-out. “A-about what?”

“That’s just it! She and I were so busy that we could hardly even say ‘hi’ to each other!” she crossed her forehooves in disappointment.

“Yeah, she seemed pretty out there.” ‘Dear Celestia, that baguette.’

“Well, I told her about Shiny having this upcoming weekend off, and she suggested that we arrange a dinner for all of us!”

“A what?!” ‘This can’t be good.’

She looked at him quizzically. “A dinner. For the whole family. I haven’t seen any of my family to a real extent since the Equestria Games. I was hoping you could join us.”

Spike contemplated Murphy’s law before responding. “Uh, sure! I’d love to!”

‘This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.’

To be continued…

Author's Note

Wow, glad this bullshit is over. Wait, there's more? Oh no~! What's with all these references? Who does he think he is, Family Guy? He wishes he was that funny. What a steaming pile of diarrhea poopoo, wrapped in a barf tortilla and served with a side of horse farts!

Is this supposed to be a clopfic, or the most unfunny piece of shit I've ever read? C'mon author, make up your mind! One time my cat jumped up on my desk, and sprayed diarrhea all over the keyboard, and it was way better than this fic. What a pile of ass chunks, covered in peepee vinegar and funneled into a fat kid's butthole!

Chapter 4: Dinner With the Sparkles (Part One)

Here’s the story, of a lovely pony
Who was bringing up three very lovely mares.
All of them had manes of blue, like their mother
The youngest one don’t care.

Here’s the story, of a guy named Joseph
Who was really into beastiality.
His wife came home, a little early
‘Twas the Virgin Mary.

Then they started screaming curses at each other
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch.
That this group must now be separated.
That’s the—wait a sec, who spiked the berry punch?

I’m way too drunk, I’m way too drunk
That’s the way that I passed out on the floor. [bop bop bop]

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Dinner With the Sparkles

Chapter 4: Dinner With the Sparkles (Part One)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“I still think this thing looks stupid.” Spike deadpanned, fidgeting with his red, jewel-encrusted bowtie.

“Now Spike, we’ve talked about this,” Twilight began.

“It’s not Rarity, alright?!” Spike said, agitated “I just mean it doesn’t match the suit. Bedazzled red and black—what is this, an upper-crust funeral on the rag?”

“Spike!”

“Yeah yeah,” Spike waved his claw dismissively “I’m just saying it’s a little tacky. I’m going to a dinner party, not coaxing a geriatric into sharing a hospital bed.”

He felt a smack on the back of his head. “What has gotten into you?! Where is this vulgarity coming from?” What she didn’t know was that dragons are creatures of habit, and once something of their routine is lifted, they become, well… cranky.

‘You go from blue balls to ‘mind-blowing sex’ and back again and tell me how you feel.’ Spike thought to himself. “Sorry, alright? Just had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Well, your mind’s been spending too much time in the gutter for my taste.” Twilight responded.

“The water’s great down here, though.” Spike began, sarcastically “Maybe you should cannonball off your high horse and join the rest of us.”

“And soak in the sins of societal debauchery? No thank you, I’m holding out f-”

“If you say ‘holding out for a hero’, I’m gonna clock you.”

“Cheesy, but true. I’m not looking for some… piece of meat to have his way with me, I want my first time to be magical, with somepony I truly love!” Twilight daydreamed.

“You’re an emotionally unstable alicorn with a deity-level grasp of wizardry—of course it’s gonna be ‘magical’. Probably enough so to involuntarily send him flying to Manehattan.” He joked as he took off the bow-tie and threw it aside. He started searching for a basic black one to match his ensemble. “As for ‘somepony you truly love’, don’t set the bar too high, or else you yourself might forget what you’re truly after.”

Twilight looked at him quizzically “How do you mean?”

“If you start setting unattainable goals for ‘the one’, then your vision of him—or her, no judgment—will slowly start to fade, or worse, ruin your image of somepony close to you who might otherwise be your everything. They might be perfect for you, but the pipe dreams of storybook endings cloud your understanding and visualize them as ‘a friend at best’, and vise versa.”

Twilight stared right through him, never seeing this side of him before. “I… wow, you know more about love than I thought.” She said surprised, as he fixed his bow-tie. He picked up the red one and dangled it near his head.

“I learned from the best.”

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Anyway, what about you, ‘Dr. Love’? What are your romantic goals now that your beloved’s out of the picture?”

“Just gotta figure things out one day at a time, Twi. That’s all I can hope for right now.”

“Oh please, we can’t walk down a street without a gaggle of mares ogling you.” She said with a hint of something he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“I wouldn’t use the term ‘ogling’ positively in this case. Remember the whole ‘pitchfork incident’?”

“Oh, for goodness… that was years ago, Spike! They’ve all forgiven you! They didn’t realize a dragon was residing in Equestria!”

“Sure flipped their ‘tude when they found out I was your ‘pet’.” Spike grumbled.

“You are not my ‘pet’! You are my best friend, and you are the greatest dragon I’ve ever known!” Twilight stated, poking him in the chest.

“Doesn’t exactly say much, but appreciated otherwise.” Spike responded dully.

“I’m just saying, don’t dig yourself into a hole—you’d make a great drakefriend. Could you please help me with this?” she showed her back to him to reveal a zipper in need.

“For the element of magic, your back sure is vulnerable.” He joked as he zipped her up.

“I told you, as long as I can see what I’m manipulating, I’m fine. These wings don’t help anything, either.” She flapped her wings lightly, sending bits of feather into Spike’s nose.

He sneezed rather loudly to the side, flames momentarily illuminating the room. “Don’t remind me. I could say the same for you, though—you’re not exactly rough on the eyes, either. Don’t overthink it, and I’m sure you’d make a great marefriend.”

She looked at Spike through the mirror and began to contemplate what he said. She slowly let her mind drift to similar points of distress she’d experienced in the past, with the same dragon by her side each step of the way. His way of verbally comforting her was something she wasn’t sure she could live without, and she certainly didn’t want to give it a try. She began to wonder herself what the future might hold for the both of them, but her daydreaming was halted as a claw waved in front her face.

“Hello? Equestria to Twi, you in there?” he asked as she shook herself back into reality.

“I-I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if there was anything you wanted to bring for appetizers.”

“Oh, uh… how about those rice balls you made the other night? I’m sure they’d love to try them!”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll meet you at the door.” He exited the room, with Twilight blankly staring at his hindquarters.

She shook herself again. ‘C’mon Twilight, this is Spike! Imagine what he’d think of you if he knew you did that!’ She looked into the mirror again. ‘But, then again… he did say I was easy on the eyes. Nopony’s said that to me before.’ A warm smile formed on her face, as she headed for the castle doors. ‘Not to mention his physique is worth analyzing.’

She slapped herself this time, trying to physically shake the thoughts from her head. “…I just need more sleep, that’s all.” She said to herself, as she used a hallway mirror to study the bags under her eyes. “I’ll have to check one of my books for a good sleep spell.”

“You could try lecturing into a mirror.” She jumped at the voice behind her. “Those never failed to put me to sleep.” She turned to see the dragon behind her with a smartass look on his face.

“Ha ha. Ever the jester, ne’er the saint.” She responded half-heartedly.

“But jesters bring joy where humor is feint!” he answered with his best Zecora impression.

“Spike, we don’t have time for this now.” Twilight deadpanned.

“’Tis not very noble to furrow one’s brow! As royalty beckons, one must not forget, that moments of glee must also be met!”

“I swear, you’re getting dumber every day,” she rubbed her forehead, but decided to add to her thought as she saw him open his mouth “‘silver’.”

“…I hate you.” He responded, visibly deflating. “Anyway, shall we mosey?”

“We shall.”

<><><><><><><><>
Meanwhile, at the Sparkle household… [I imagine Rob Paulsen narrating this]
<><><><><><><><>

“I still think this thing looks stupid.” Nacht deadpanned, fidgeting with his green paisley bowtie.

“Now honey, we’ve talked about this,” Velvet began.

“It’s not Spike, alright?!” Nacht said, agitated “I just mean it doesn’t match the suit. Paisley green and black—what is this, an X-bone swingers’ party?”

“Nacht!”

“Yeah yeah,” Nacht waved his hoof dismissively “I’m just saying it’s a little tacky. I’m hosting a dinner party, not a bachelor party for the Green Hornet.”

He felt a smack on the back of his head. “What has gotten into you? Where is this petty nonsense coming from?” What she didn’t know was that Nacht was a pony of habit, and once something of his routine is lifted, he becomes, well… cranky.

‘You go from ‘mind-blowing sex’ to blue balls and tell me how you feel.’ He thought to himself. “Sorry, alright? Just had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Well, your mind’s been spending too much time in ‘sleep mode’ for my taste.” Velvet responded.

“It’s so comfortable, though.” Nacht began, sarcastically “Maybe you should go for a dry spell and join me.”

“And soak in the stupidity of pony husbandry? No thank you, I’m holding out f-”

“If you say ‘holding out for a dragon’, I’m gonna clock you.”

“Cheesy, but true. I’m not looking for some… idiot husband to have his way with me. I want tonight to be magical, with a dragon who truly understands love!” Velvet daydreamed.

“You’re a romantically confused unicorn with a treasure trove of emotional excuses—of course you think he understands love.” He joked as he took off the bow-tie and threw it aside. He started searching for a basic black one to match his ensemble. “As for your ‘idiot rapist husband’, don’t forget that I’m the one who pays the bills around here, and I always have an out for this thing.”

Velvet looked at him quizzically “How do you mean?”

“Well, the entire family will be here tonight. Could you imagine the response if I were to reveal to them what’s been going on between you two?” he asked with a devilish grin.

“You wouldn’t dare.” She said with a cold glare.

Their thoughts were interrupted as they heard the doorbell ring. “Welp, better get going if you want tonight to be… ‘magical’.” He chided.

“Hmph,” she turned her back to him and headed for the door “just you wait and see.”

She opened the door to reveal her son and his wife. “Shiny, Cadance, so glad you could make it!” she exclaimed as she motioned them inside.

“We wouldn’t have missed it for the world!” Cadance responded. She paused for a moment as she noticed the aura around her mother-in-law had very much changed since they last met.

“…Something wrong, dear?”

“Oh, no! Just… i-it’s nothing.” She smiled warmly at her.

“So what do we got on the docket? I’m starving!” Shining exclaimed.

“Typical stallion, always thinking with his stomach first.” Cadance joked, shaking her head.

“I’m afraid one day he’s going to transform into his father!” Velvet added.

“Ha ha, good one.” Nacht said, trudging down the stairs.

“Hey Dad!” Shining exclaimed, as they exchanged a hoof-bump.

“What’s Gucci, playa?”

“Same ol’ jive, nine to five.”

“He really needs to stop listening to the radio.” The mares responded simultaneously.

“Anyway,” Velvet began, “how about you boys throw on some T.V. while I finish with dinner?”

“You got it, momma!”

“Thundercats, HOOOOOO!” They both raced toward the living room to watch their favorite show.

“Mind if I assist you in the kitchen?” Cadance asked.

“Sure!”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“So,” Cadance began, pulling the dinner plates from the cupboard “it’s rather… chipper—your aura, I mean.”

“Oh, is that so?” Velvet responded, feigning ignorance.

“Yes, very much so, at least in comparison to the last time we visited. Has anything… changed as of late?”

“…I don’t believe so. Nacht’s been coming home from work earlier, I guess that’s been a bit of a change.”

“Ah, so you’ve had more time to… enjoy each other’s company.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that much,” Velvet joked “but I have been… keeping busy, what with the new furniture and everything.”

“New furniture?” Cadance raised a brow.

“Yes, I’m afraid we were in need of a new bed, so I thought I’d surprise Nacht while he was out on a business trip. Thankfully, I was able to borrow Spike to help everything run smoothly.”

She noticed the aura grow stronger at the mention of the drake. She then remembered that the aura Velvet held didn’t mirror that of her father-in-law’s. She decided to shrug it off as mere coincidence. “Spike, huh? What’s he been up to these days?”

“Working his scales off, I’m sure. I swear, my daughter must take his kindness for granted, sometimes.” She said, shaking her head.

“How so?”

“He looked exhausted when he came by, like he had just moved a mountain for her, or something. She’s gonna work him into the grave, sooner or later.”

“Oh, you know Twilight. Always the busy-body.”

“I’m just saying she could show the poor drake a little pity. It’s like Rarity all over again.”

Cadance stopped. “Rarity? What do you mean?”

Velvet went wide-eyed, realizing she had just slipped up in front of the emblem of love.

<><><><><><><><>
Flashbacks are the poor man’s déjà vu.
<><><><><><><><>

“I still don’t know about this. Aren’t you here with your husband?”

“Oh, he’s getting shit-faced. He won’t bother me until he needs me to carry him home.”

“I still think this is a bad idea.” Spike said as he slowly walked back toward the party. “I feel like we should just stop before this gets out of hoof.” As he was about to make a third entrance into the party, he noticed another ivory unicorn with a dark grey pegasus. He quickly hid himself again. The pegasus made a lewd attempt at squeezing the unicorn’s plot, succeeded, and was followed by fake disgust and a giggle from the unicorn. She lightly pushed him away and mentioned something about saving it for their “private encounters”.

With a billow of smoke escaping his nostrils, he quickly turned around, put Velvet on his back and made a beeline for the kitchen. Velvet noticed his distain, but was unsure as to its purpose. In the brief moment she saw the unicorn, she was able to identify her as Twilight’s friend, Rarity. She couldn’t, however, understand the venom in the glance that Spike gave her. She chose to bring it up when he was more relaxed.

[Insert sexy times here.]

They both slumped over in a heap of sweat, breathing heavily. He noticed her snuggling the baguette, and chuckled. “You gonna take that thing home?”

“Just you wait and see.” She responded with a devious grin. She figured now would be an opportune time. “By the way, I noticed the look you gave to… ‘Rarity’, was it? Before we came back here… care to talk about it?”

Spike gave her the brief story of how he broke his back for her, only to have her fall for somepony else. Though he was forced to move on, she couldn’t help but notice the pain in his eyes as he recollected his tales of struggle and hardship, all for the pony he truly loved.

“…and, well, here we all are—a pony who needs love, and a dragon with not much left to give.”

“Oh, Spike…” she rubbed his cheek “you are the most loving being I’ve ever met. Don’t ever change, especially not for somepony too ignorant to notice the perfect drake in front of them.” She lightly kissed his cheek, and walked out of the room. ‘Dammit, if only I had met him first…’

<><><><><><><><>
[No Nacht = No Twi, No Twi = No Spike. Math is depressing!]
<><><><><><><><>

“Uh…” Velvet stalled to come up with a valid excuse “well, when Rarity was in town a few years back, Twilight gave her quite a list of books she needed from the Canterlot Library. Poor Rarity had enough to do while she was here, and Twilight gave her enough work to drive her insane!” she responded with an airy chuckle. ‘Why the hell am I defending that witch?’ she thought to herself.

“Oh… well yes, I suppose she does tend to ask a lot from some ponies.”

*Ding-dong*

“Oh, speak of the devil; that must be her now! Could you be a dear and finish setting up while I answer the door?”

“Uh, sure!” Cadance responded, weakly. She continued setting the table as she heard the door open.

“Why hello Twilight, dear! And hello~ to you, Spike!” She noticed the tone change greatly on the second greeting.

“Hi, Mom!”

“Hi Ve-… *cough* Mrs. Sparkle…” Spike corrected himself.

“Why don’t you both get comfortable while we finish setting up?”

“Sure thing!” she heard Twilight say.

“Yeah, just gotta… ‘freshen up’ first. Be right back.” Cadance heard footsteps nearing the dining room. As quickly as she noticed them, the drake had rushed in the room and passed her. “Hi, Cadance!” he said in a rushed tone.

“Hi, Spike.” She responded, catching his aura as he rushed by. It was very similar to Velvet’s, at least that’s what she could briefly read. She wasn’t able to shake the feeling that something was going on between them. ‘Hmm, maybe it’s nothing… I should probably keep an eye on them though, just to be safe.’ She thought to herself. As she finished setting the table, she made her way into the living room to greet her in-law. “Twilight!” she exclaimed.

“Cadance!” she jumped up and hugged her favorite foalsitter, followed by their trademarked goofy greeting. “It’s so great to see you! How’s the Empire?”

“Oh you know—same old, same old.” She answered, waving her hoof dismissively. “How’s the ‘smile and wave’ business coming?” She put on a dopey smile and a limp wave to emphasize her question.

“Ha ha, I wish it were that simple.” She rolled her eyes. “I will say, though, it’s been much easier as of late. I must be doing something right if Gala preparation has been the most stressful thing going on!” she chuckled lightly.

“Up-bup-bup.” Nacht raised his hoof to silence the room. “Best part’s coming up.” The group fell quiet and looked at the television.

A mare with a hoof-held camera made her way to the basement. “MIIIKE! MIIIIIIKE!” She searched around frantically for her friend, only to find him standing alone, facing the far corner of the room. “MI-AAAAAH! AAAH! AAAAAH!!” The camera then fell and everything went silent.

“Ah, a classic!” Nacht exclaimed, hoof-bumping his son.

“The hell’s wrong with you?” Velvet asked.

“What? I thought you liked that movie!” Nacht responded defensively.

“I think you’re mistaken.” Her response was a sort of deadpanned sarcasm.

“Eh, I don’t know,” the dragon began, entering the room “I’ve always been more of a ‘Pony Centipede’ guy, myself.”

“Spike!” Twilight yelled.

“Especially the part in the second one, you know, with the baby?” he asked, pointing expectantly to his brother-in-law.

Cadance shot a glare at her husband. “Don’t you dare tell me you’ve seen that rubbish.”

“Well… maybe once, or…” he trailed off and looked around, blushing.

His mother threw in her two bits. “I’d expect that sort of thing from these two” she jerked her head toward her husband and son “but Spike, I’m surprised!” her tone quickly changed from serious to sarcastic. “You always struck me as the ‘sensitive’ type.”

“Oh Mrs. Sparkle, I try so hard to be a pleasant, active member of society,” he mirrored her theatrical sarcasm “but I can only do so much, what with being enslaved by a power-hungry, socially-awkward alicorn and all.”

“Hey!” the lavender mare shot up. “Don’t make me sound like some crazy tyrant! You’ve been to plenty of social gatherings, and I don’t ever recall demanding you to wait on me hoof-in-claw!”

“And she lies to her own mother! If only I were a slave to somepony as gentle and hospitable as you!” he cowered, gripping his host’s hoof while shaking.

“Oh Spike, dear…” she blushed and lifted his head with her hooves “it’s not too late to save you from my daughter’s sinister clutches—I can sense there’s still some good left in you!”

“Hey!”

“Oh I wish it were that simple, Mrs. Sparkle, but I’m afraid the stains on my soul are too deep to be cleansed!” He shielded his eyes with his forearm for dramatic effect.

“Dear, you forget I’m Nacht’s wife. If there’s one thing I know, it’s ‘cleansing stains’.”

“MOM!” her two children exclaimed, covering their ears.

“T.M.I.” Spike broke character, cringing.

“I agree.” Cadance added, shooting her father-in-law a discrediting look.

“Eh, too desensitized to care.” Nacht shrugged. “Get on our level, scrubs.”

“A~nd on that note, I believe the potatoes are ready! Let’s eat!” Velvet announced, changing the subject.

“Yes, the perfect match to the thought of your husband’s bodily fluids.” Spike deadpanned.

“Spike!” Twilight yelled once more.

“What? You heard the stallion, I’m getting on their level.” He shrugged.

“Mom, what has gotten into you?!” Twilight ignored her assistant and shot her mother a glare.

Velvet chuckled to herself. “‘What’, indeed.” She shot Spike a quick, sultry look and continued to the kitchen. This did not go unnoticed by the other mares.

“Spike, I don’t need you corrupting my mother. It’s bad enough there’s one of you.”

“And I call that a problem.” He responded. He looked over to Cadance, who was giving him an analytical stare. “Something wrong, Cadance?”

“…No, not really, just thinking.” She answered in a despondent tone. “We’d better hurry while the food’s still hot.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.” They all made their way to the food-eating-time room.

<><><><><><><><>
Half a Dinner Later…
<><><><><><><><>

“Mmm, the potatoes are as great as ever, Mom!” Twilight exclaimed between bites.

“Thank you, dear. Oregano and a touch of vinegar; true magic!”

Spike bit his lower lip, squinted his eyes and slowly crept his head toward Twilight. When his mouth was near her ear he whispered in an animated voice “…but I thought friendship was magic!” His warm breath against her ear threw her off guard. With a heavy blush, she punched him in the arm. “OW!”

“Keep your clichés to yourself.”

“Don’t be so hard on him, dear. Doesn’t your friend Pinkie do the whole ‘fourth wall’ thing all the time?” her mother asked, defending her scaly lover.

“Yes, but I don’t see her for the majority of each day. This one doesn’t need any more ‘friendly influence’.” Twilight responded, slightly agitated.

“You’re just jealous ‘cause Discord likes me more.” He said with a smirk.

“And that’s something to be proud of?”

“With what we’re both capable of, absolutely.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and continued eating. Cadance chose to address what she felt was the elephant in the room. “So, Mrs. Spark-”

“Please dear, I’m practically your mother. At least call me ‘Velvet’.”

“Err, Velvet… you mentioned needing a new mattress. What happened to the old one?”

“Oh yes, that sack of dust was on its way out the door. I was afraid the old thing was going to break in half soon!”

Twilight looked at her mother lifted her brow. She recalled Spike mentioning that the mattress looked fine, but it needed recalled for hazard reasons.

“So,” Cadance continued “why did you need Spike to help you?”

Velvet stopped eating and gave Cadance a quizzical look. She took several moments to respond, “Oh, I figured it’d give the poor dear a break from his hectic castle life. I swear, Twilight’s gonna work him to death before long.” She answered, looking at her daughter and giggling.

“Oh please, Mom.” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “If you saw what little he actually did, you wouldn’t be saying that. Aside from eating and sleeping, I typically have to nag him for half the day to get him to do anything.”

“I know that feel.” Her mother deadpanned, staring lazily at her husband. He simply rolled his eyes and continued eating.

Cadance wasn’t going to let her change the topic that easily. “So you brought him over… just to help you with a mattress?”

Her quizzical look became more annoyed. She slowly put down her silverware and gave her full attention to her daughter-in-law. “If you MUST know, there were also some recipes that I wanted to try with gems I had laying around. He’s a friend of the family, not to mention the savior of your empire. Mutual recognition never hurt anypony.” Cadance’s eyes narrowed.

“You never cook for me like that, honey.” Nacht stated with the same expression, remembering the numerous dishes in the wash following his return that night.

“That’s because I never know when you’re coming home, dear.” She stared daggers at him. The electricity between the two was practically visible.

“You didn’t tell me she cooked for you.” Twilight whispered to Spike. He looked around, sweating slightly. The tension in the room was growing by the second.

He grasped his stomach. “Ugh, something’s not agreeing with me… I’ll be right back.” He rushed back into the bathroom. He could hear the arguing continue as he made his way to the porcelain throne. He quickly locked the door and stared into the mirror. “Oh man, this isn’t good. At this rate, all hell’s gonna break loose before the night’s over.” He sat on the seat cover and thought of how he could get out of this.

Meanwhile, the interrogation continued in the dining room. Twilight chose to bring up another question to her mother. “Hey Mom, did you have Spike do anything else while he was over?”

“W-whatever do you mean, sweetie?” she responded nervously. A blush grew heavy on her face as she began fidgeting under the table.

“He didn’t mention you cooked for him. He also mentioned you wanted to show something to him. What was it again?” she asked, recalling Spike’s mention of gem soaps.

“Hmm, I do believe I wanted to show him the soaps we picked up from New Mexicolt. They have these delightful bits of emerald and sapphire in them!” ‘Thank Celestia he told me about the soap and cable excuses at the Gala.’ “I also had him check out our cable while he was here. I mentioned we’d had static problems as of late, and he jumped right to it!” Her fidgeting continued, while Cadance remained unfazed.

“…‘Cable’, huh?” she asked sarcastically.

“Honey, is something wrong? You’re asking Mom a lot of questions.” Shining rubbed his wife’s back, trying to comfort her.

Cadance finally gained a hold of herself, realizing she sounded as if she was accusing her mother-in-law of something in front of the whole family. “No, I’m fine. I’ve just been over-thinking a lot as of late.” She answered gently, rubbing her head.

“Well, I’m gonna go check on the pie.” Velvet announced, exiting the dining room while covering her backside with her tail. All the accusations from the family reminded her of the details regarding that magical night. Needless to say, she’d have to clean the floor once everypony left.

She heard a loud sniff. “Does anypony else smell that?” she heard Twilight ask. Her pace quickened as she shuffled to the kitchen.

‘Oh poo, this isn’t good. At this rate, I’ll never get any alone time with him!’ she thought, as she pulled the pie out of the oven. ‘Wait a sec… he’s in the ba…’ a smile crept on her face as she made sure to teleport as quietly as possible.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Spike continued to think as the bathroom lit up, causing him to shield his eyes. His pearly mistress appeared before him. “V-V-Velvet!” he exclaimed in a hushed tone. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?”

“Oh, I can’t help it! The way they were talking, the accusations—I couldn’t help but think of those passionate nights. The way you put those firm claws around me, your demanding hips… mmm, please, I really need this!” she said, unzipping his slacks with her mouth and fishing out his dicks with her magic.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

As they continued eating, Cadance began to feel worse and worse. “…I feel like I should apologize.” She said as she stood up, making her way to the kitchen.

“Hmm, Spike has been in the bathroom for quite a while.” Twilight began, “I’m gonna go check on him.” She also rose and made her way to the restroom.

Nacht and Shining continued to eat in silence, until Nacht spoke up. “Mares, right?”

Shining chuckled with his mouth shut and nodded lightly.

“Spike has the right idea, keeping his options open. Don’t know why a hunk like him is wasting his time on married mares, though.”

“Hmm, whmmd ym mmmn?” Shining asked with a mouth full of potatoes.

Just as he asked, they heard what sounded like an upstairs door getting kicked in. With a devious grin, Nacht responded “You’re about to find out.”

<><><><><><><><>
Moments Earlier…
<><><><><><><><>

Cadance began to speak as she entered the kitchen. “Hey Velvet, I’m really sorry. Things have just been re-” she stopped, as she realized that her voice was directed to a lone pie sitting atop an unmanned stove. She quickly looked around, as her hoof slipped slightly on the linoleum floor. She noticed what appeared to be a small liquid trail from her to her mother-in-law’s seat in the dining room. ‘She didn’t.’ It was then her horn that alerted her of an extreme aura emanating from upstairs. ‘She ISN’T!’ She quickly teleported upstairs.

<><><><><><><><>
In the Bathroom…
<><><><><><><><>

Velvet began slobbing on his knobs, as he struggled to maintain a calm demeanor. A mess of scenarios ran through his head, none of which went in his favor. Several minutes later, he heard a knock on the door.

“Spi~ke? Are you ok in there?” Twilight asked from outside.

“Y-y-yeah, I’m fine! J-just… need a few more minutes!”

“Well, alright. You’d better hurry, or you’ll miss out on Mom’s pie!”

‘I will if you don’t leave soon.’ “Alright, Twi, I’ll be right out!”

“Oh, what’s this?” Velvet asked quietly enough so only Spike could hear. “You’ve gotten much harder—is the thought of my daughter walking in on us that arousing?”

“S-shut up!” he whispered.

“Or maybe you want her to… join us?”

“As if!” he said with a crimson face.

“Oh please, Spike. You and I both know you’re perfect for each other.”

“Says her sex-crazed mother while my dingus is smearing her make-up!”

Just then, they heard what sounded like somepony teleporting, “Don’t worry, Cadance,” he heard Twilight say “Spike’ll be right ou-”

Before she could finish her sentence, Cadance kicked in the door, and the alicorns got a good look at their host deep-throating her scaly guest. She froze and stared blankly at them, only letting a light ‘gag’ escape her mouth.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

To Be Continued...

Author's Note

TL;DR video version: