Whuzzisaledder?/ Bureaucratic Woes
Whuzzisaledder?/ Bureaucratic Woes
Ditzy Doo trotted down the main road of Ponyville. Her saddlebags were weighed down with the parcels and letters that ponies sent to their distant relatives. And sometimes there were the other letters...
The gray pegasus stopped in front of the last place she expected. True, Sugarcube Corner had plenty of outgoing mail because of Pinkie Pie. But there never seemed to be any mail coming in. She looked down at the letter that would go into the mailbox. It was one of those letters...a government check-up letter.
The mailmare quickly stuffed the letter in and ran off as quickly as possible. As she learned from years in the postal service: stay far away from those letters, especially when they involved a certain pink mare.
***
Pinkie woke up in her room. It wasn’t like her normal waking up ritual where she first sang a song that praised the sun and laid out her hopes for the day. If she would have to name this feeling, it would be sadciting. She didn’t know why the word fit; it just did.
She looked around her room which looked like a storm had hit it. Streamers and confetti loosely draped the walls and the fireplace which was on the opposite wall was full of semi-burned logs. Gummy sat at the end of her bed. “Nope, I don’t know what’s wrong. Must be a real doozy if I have no idea what it was. Oh well. It can’t be all that bad.”
Pinkie shook off the last twitches of sleep and cantered happily down to the bakery. She waved to the two baker ponies that had taken her in after she had left her own family. Funny enough, they did look haltingly at the pink pony. Mr. Cake had a letter in his hooves and Mrs. Cake was continuously glancing at the pink pony.
Was it something I did? I know that I had a wild party last night, but it wasn’t that bad...right? I did make sure that all the ponies made it home safely and also thought about the music. It wasn’t loud enough to wake the foals. No, it looks worse. Did somepony...nope must not think about sad things Pinkie.
Pinkie was tossed out of her thoughts when Mr. Cake turned the sign to Closed. Closed on a day like today, when there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the nearest monster was miles away in the Everfree. It was definitely something very, very bad.
Mr. Cake whispered under his breath. “Pinkie...have you ever gone to school?”
***
School. Or as my parents called it, ‘a place where tradition is sent away to pasture and the new replaces the old.’ School. I never went to school after I left my parents, and I never was able to go because of the extreme work that a rock farm needs. Breaking rocks. Carrying rocks. We did everything with rocks- besides eating them or sleeping on them. School just wasn’t part of the plan. The closest thing to school was my Granny Pie, but she was old and sometimes forgot where she was. So no I never ‘had an education.’
***
“No.” Pinkie kicked a hoof and tried to think of other things. They never had brought up her education before. They never even asked. “Why now?”
Mr.Cake tried to give Pinkie the letter but she batted it away. “Pinkie, the letter’s from the government. They said that now all ponies need a diploma from the nearest school to continue working. They said that these kinds of cases only come up in rare occasions and unluckily enough, you’re one.”
Pinkie’s hair deflated immediately. “B-but I don’t wanna go to school. What if I don’t do so well or if ponies won’t like me?” Pinkie was almost inconsolable because she was thinking how difficult it was going to be on her first day.
Mr. Cake nudged his wife to make her do something. Finally she held the pink pony in her grip and began trying to calm her down.
***
Cheerilee's day wasn’t much better. She had dealt with the normal teaching day. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had got into yet another fight with the CMC and they had to all be sent home just because Filthy Rich had told Cheerilee that his daughter was an angel that could do no wrong. Yeah, can’t wait to see how he takes her teenage years.
Cheerilee stood next to her mailbox and got her mail. Trotting inside her house, she finally relaxed and lounged around on her couch. She turned her eyes to the mail and began to flip through them. Junk, junk, letter from relatives- meh, oh what’s this?
The earth pony broke the seal on the formal letter from the Bureaucracy of Equestrian Teaching. She began to read it aloud.
“Dear Schoolteacher;
If you did not hear, recently the government has passed a new law that makes it illegal for anypony to not have a diploma. This does not apply to you personally, but it does apply to a mare named ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie’ and as such we in the B.E.T give you full moral authority to round up the truant mare and place the love of education deep in her heart.
Yours Faithfully,
Paperwork; Head of the B.E.T”
Cheerilee was shocked. “Wait, tomorrow’s Monday and...I need to prepare!” The teacher did not sleep for the rest of the night. Sounds emanated from her small but comfortable home and she tried to plan for everything that Pinkie might do in class, and some that the pink mare wouldn’t try. Preparation was key.
***
The sun rose and fillies ran to the schoolhouse in yet another day that seemed like the next. Except that there was a new pink pony that was joining their ranks. Pinkie Pie trudged into the classroom; her saddlebags were filled with the necessary things that a schoolfilly needed. Pencils, pens, papers, books, and even an apple for the teacher.
Pinkie sat at her desk and all the fillies and colts stared at her. For once, Pinkie had no words and she sat nervously at her desk. Pinkie stared at the door and was surprised to see Cheerilee walk into the room. Wow. So that’s my teacher. Maybe it won’t be all that bad.
The school bell rang and Cheerilee motioned Pinkie up towards the chalkboard. “Hello class, I have an announcement to make. Pinkie Pie will be joining us as a student from this moment forward. I hope all you fillies and colts get along with her.” Cheerilee quickly glanced over to the two fillies she was speaking to in particular. And they were calmly sitting in their seats.
Okay...that is definitely new. “Um, Pinkie Pie...I would like you to write your name on the chalkboard for all of your new friends to see.” Cheerilee smiled and waited for Pinkie to start writing.
“Uhm, Miss Cheerilee, this might sound a teeny-tiny bit funny but I don’t know how. I never learned...”
Cheerilee’s heart felt like it fell out of her chest. This is most definitely something I didn’t plan for. Pinkie slowly walked back to her seat. Her hair became limp when she finally sat down. Nopony dared to say anything, because they were all shocked by Pinkie’s reply.
Cheerilee’s mind raced to find a way to fix this. “Okay, class, I believe a refresher course on how to write neatly and precisely using your mouth is in order. Don’t you class?”
The foals nodded dumbly.
Wiek Won Aventures n Mowth Riting/ Oh Celestia What Have I Got Myself Into? (Version 2)
Day 1
Pinkie stared down at the paper that she had been writing on for the last hour or so. Though it was difficult for her to know that because it looked like abstract art with scribbles and curving lines everywhere. She kept on hearing the whispers of the students coming from all corners of the room. But mostly from the corner where Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara usually sat.
"Silver, you know that I had the best tutors in Ponyville. So that means I shouldn't need to practice anymore mouth writing. My father always wondered about Pinkie and when I get back...I'll tell him that he was right about her." Tiara began giggling evilly.
But Pinkie's ears perked up when she heard Silver Spoon's reply. "Tiara- that is taking it too far. Don't you remember who created our cute-cenera. That stupid pink mare over there is better than you make her out to be and, unlike you, has a job that she works hard at."
"But Silver-"
"No, I am standing by what I said and I am getting tired of you. DT, I think its time for you to act like a better pony."
Cheerilee noticed the fight that broke out between the two fillies and soon had to pull them apart. The two were sent home soon after and, without looking at each other, left the building.
Pinkie laid her face on her desk and watched everypony else work on mouth writing. She sighed because even they wrote better than her. Just like everything else. Maybe that filly was right, maybe she was little better than useless.
The school day ended with a ring. The foals split into their cliques: The CMC, their friends, and the colts. Pinkie didn’t fit into any of these categories and so she was left alone. She felt sad and, for once, it was because she couldn’t write. She had always hid it by laughing it off or by using songs to learn. Here’s silly me. Ponies see me as a jokester...they don’t see the tears of a clown that I hide.
But before Pinkie could wallow in her misery, she felt a calming hoof on her shoulder. She looked up and saw Cheerilee smiling at her. “Want some help?”
“Okie dokie loki.” Pinkie said glumly.
“Lets go to my house.” Cheerilee knew how horrible of a sentence that was. She tried to come up with reasons that justified her remark. Finally she came up with one. “Uh...I mean- because you have been distracted just sitting here. Maybe if you go to a less formal place it would make you learn better.” Cheerilee felt like she dodged a bullet with that one.
“Sure.”
Cheerilee cursed herself for saying that. And even later she would regret saying those words after all that would happen in the future. At least the near future. And it all began with those words.
Hours Later
“No, no, no Pinkie. You have to swoop you muzzle and grip the quill using your tongue. Controlling the path of the quill is a difficult thing to learn and has causes earth ponies to have a lower literacy rate in our past... no Pinkie, we aren’t inferior no matter what anypony tells you and everypony is special in their own way including you. No, you spelled Party Invitation wrong. It doesn’t have any E’s.
“Why thank you Pinkie for giving me this invitation for a party for- let me see how you put this- a “Thank You Party” I would be honored to clear my schedule for this party. Let’s see, Saturday night- correct .Sounds good to me. And before you leave, remember to know your ABC’s and stay calm and focused when writing with a quill...you don’t want to be too hasty about writing. Speed comes with time-”
Pinkie cantered out of Miss Cheerilee’s house and looked at the late hour. The moon shone down upon the pink pony and gave her new attitude about school a hopeful glow. Her saddlebags were laden with her papers that she had practiced on. Her mouth was exhausted with the new exercise that it had been forced to perform.
She trudged to Sugarcube Corner and quietly opened the door. Mr. and Mrs. Cake were waiting for her in the kitchen. She dropped off her book, quills, and papers on the floor and tiredly turned to them. “Hello, how was your day.”
“Fine, Pinkie. Where have you been? Mrs. Cake and I have been worried sick for hours...school ended hours ago. Where have you been?”
“Miss Cheerilee said I needed some personal tutoring on mouth writing, so I’ve been at her house. Oh my gosh! Did something terrible happen and...” Pinkie began to run around the kitchen looking for anything that seemed out of place.
“Pinkie! No, we were just worried about you.”
“Oh. Why didn't you just say so?” Pinkie yawned. “Well, if you don’t mind...I’m gonna go to bed.” Pinkie hopped upstairs and curled up in her bed. Once she became comfortable enough to fall asleep, a curious change came over the pink pony. Her mane became straight and she quickly opened her eyes. She daintily stepped out of her bed and she sat down on the floor. Pulling out her sheets of paper and grabbing a candle that she had for such emergencies, she began her work.
Pinkamena chuckled to herself. “And Pinkie thinks she’s the only one that needs an education. She forgot that I left the rock farm first...because of that Sonic Rainboom. What was my age when that happened? Four...five? No matter. Time to learn.”
And for the next few hours Pinkamena learned how to write. Using the knowledge that Pinkie had learned, she improved her writing from an incomprehensible chicken-scratch that nopony would have been able to read into a flowing scrawl that was much easier to read. Just before Pinkie woke up, Pinkamena felt the hint of a smile start to form. Her hard work had paid off and it was all thanks to that teacher. Time for a nap.
Pinkamena closed her eyes and Pinkie fluttered hers open. With a stretch, she was ready for the day. She looked around at her room and it looked a little bit messier but not too bad. “Well time to get ready for school!”
What she didn’t notice was that her mane was losing some of its natural bounce and hung just a bit straighter than normal. The nightly sessions continued throughout the week.
A Week Later
Cheerilee walked into the Sweet Apple Acres barn and tensed because she was ready for a surprise at any moment. When none came, she opened her eyes. Pinkie and her friends stood in front of her and stared at her. Applejack cleared her throat. “Well, Ah guess that was unexpected. Wanna start this here shindig or not?”
Cheerilee looked at the gathering of ponies. Pinkie. Rainbow Dash, she knew on the prismatic mare especially of Scootaloo’s excessive praise for her. She surprisingly had a yellow feather tied in her hair which was strange since Rainbow Dash never wore things in her hair. Fluttershy was wearing a blue- Oh my...so that’s why Rainbow was wearing the feather...
Cheerilee nodded. Applejack grinned and handed her a mug of cider. “Well here’s a drink on the house. Go introduce yourself to the girls and-” Applejack winked at Cheerilee. “-Pinkie.”
Cheerilee blushed at what the farmer was hinting at. “O-okay. I-i’ll do that. Thanks.” Cheerilee tried to walk as calmly as she could away from Applejack.
And she ran straight into Pinkie. “Ohmygosh, Totally didn’t see you there. I am so glad you could make it!” Pinkie broadly smiled at the magenta earth pony.
“Yeah...wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Well then party!” Before Cheerilee could protest, Pinkie tugged on her hoof and dragged her into the party. The next few hours passed hazily and Cheerilee couldn’t remember the last time she had let loose in one of Pinkie’s parties. And she was merry until the alcohol started to affect her. Then she remembered why she didn’t drink.
***
Cheerilee stalked her prey. The poofy-maned one was in her sights and she pounced. The two of them rolled around on the ground. Cheerilee noticed that her prey smelled like a pastry shop and she buried her face in the pink one’s mane.
Pinkie found this to be one of the funniest things that she ever felt. “Hahaha- Miss Cheerilee, that tickles...Miss Cheerilee?” Pinkie Pie poked the magenta mare and she was a complete mess.”Oh no. I know what this calls for...” Pinkie Pie walked hooked a hoof under Cheerilee and gracefully helped Cheerilee onto her back. “To Sugarcube Corner!”
Thankfully it was nighttime, because seeing the schoolteacher riding Pinkie like an animal would have spread around the town like a plague.
***
Cheerilee groggily woke up in an unfamiliar bed. Streamers and confetti littered the walls and a small gator blinked when she moved. Cheerilee slowly got up, because her head felt like she had got hit by a falling piano. She tried to walk out of the room without waking anypony up.
Rustle. Rustle.
Oh Celestia. It’s nothing. It isn’t a criminal. Cheerilee, why do you have to be such a scaredy-pony. Cheerilee uneasily glanced around. She braced herself for a surprise attack from any side except from the ceiling.
“So you’re the teacher pony that Pinkie talks about so much.” Cheerilee looked around. “Up here.”
“What?” Cheerilee glanced up and was surprised to see a mare that looked like Pinkie defying gravity on the ceiling. In a blink of an eye, the pony flipped and landed gracefully on her hooves.
“What are you looking at?” The pink mare lifted an eyebrow.
“N-nothing. Just wanted to go.”
“Oh, so you don’t think we had some sort of connection when-” The pink mare learned close and whispered into Cheerillee’s ear. Cheerilee’s face blanched when she heard of her drunken escapade with this mare. “-and if you were wondering my name is Pinkamena or Mina for short. What's yours?"
Cheerilee slowly tried to swallow her fear at seeing this pony. She wondered why Pinkie didn't answer to Pinkamena and why she had been acting strange during the week. Now she guessed why. "I'm C-cheerilee and it is...nice...to meet you."
"Well, Cheerilee. I hope you liked our time together as much as I did." Mina chuckled at her joke. "I have something to give you. It is going to be an enlightening read."
Mina pulled a diary out of some unknown place and gave it to the teacher. “And this is for your troubles. I know that Pinkie will be at least a little mad at me for giving you this-” Mina chuckled. “-but our lovable party pony needs a little help from little old me to tell her true feelings.”
Cheerilee nodded dumbly and walked slowly out of Sugarcube Corner. She shook violently after she reached her door and locked it. She was conflicted. She knew that that was Pinkie who had talked to her...but it was a Pinkie that she didn’t know. The earth pony stared down at the diary.
Property of Pinkie “Pinkamena” Diane Pie
“I guess it can’t hurt to read just a little bit. Cheerilee flipped through the pages and she stopped when she saw a familiar date. Two days ago. Cheerilee began to read.
***
Ahem this is Pinkamena and I have little time writing...
Pinkie has planned for a little party to celebrate our predicament of going to school. Oh, how I dislike school. Nothing is exciting...well except for one thing that Pinkie finds a tiny bit alluring. Is that the word? I only find that pony a bit attractive. And whatever Pinkie plans...I have my own plans. For emergencies. As in, if you- yes you teacher break Pinkie’s heart...you won’t be just a teacher anymore...you’ll have little old me to contend with and I’ve lived with this mare a lot longer than you’ve known her.
Oh I haven’t scared you off. Read on if you dare. But you might want to flip to the beginning to learn a bit about our past. Think of this as your own learning experience...
Cheerilee slammed the diary shut and stared down at the object like it had just bit her. “Maybe I need to ask Twilight for some help.” Cheerilee felt like she heard an echo of laughter. An echo that reverberated inside her head and that sounded like Mina's twisted chuckle.
Week One End. Talents Learned: Mouth Writing.
