It was the final night of the conference and most of the guests were partying like it was going out of style. After a long day of time management seminars (which over ran), equine resources meetings (which ended in a hoof fight amongst the panel), and a fascinating lecture on ‘101 uses for paper clips’ (keeping pieces of paper together, was oddly, not mentioned). Pokey Pierce had just freshened up, and was ready for a night of fun. “Look out fillies, Pokey’s on the prowl,” thought the blue stallion as he surveyed the bar. Most of its occupants were on the dance floor drunkenly swaying to the sound of a small, and rather bored looking, band which only seemed to know four tunes, but were playing them in varying orders without anyone noticing. Above them the tattered remains of a banner declared this to be ‘Bureaucracy Wow!, the convention for administrative assistants of all types’.
At the far end of the bar a small group of mares were doing shots and gazing lasciviously at any stallion brave enough to come near. “Too aggressive,” noted Pokey. At one table sat a pair of near identical unicorn stallions who were sharing a pile of white crystals almost as large as their heads, “They’re going to want a glass of water soon.”
Then his gaze caught on Her, a white earth pony mare standing by herself at the bar, ignoring the happenings around her. It was easy to miss her at first glance, she seemed to blend into the background, but after noticing the mare Pokey decided that he’d like to get to know her better. Her mane was coiled in a tight bun at the back of her head and she wore a pair of functional glasses, “I‘ve always liked the ‘hot librarian’ look,” he thought, “Plus she has legs that go all the way up to heaven, all four of them. Looks a bit down though, I’ll have to do something about that.”
Pokey strode up to the lonely mare, and decided to break the ice in his standard manor, “Hi, I’m Pokey Pierce,” he announced, “and this is the horn that will one day pierce the heavens themselves.” He struck a pose, head and horn held high, “Can I get you a drink?”
She turned towards him, she didn’t smile, she didn’t even raise an eyebrow, just examined him clinically. “This mare is ice,” he thought,
“With a line like that,” she said, her voice holding just the slightest trace of an accent he couldn’t place,“You won’t be piercing anything tonight, Mr Pierce.” She graced him with a slight smile, “But you can buy me a drink. Vodka.” She nodded to the bar pony, a tall mare with a glass cutie mark, who barely looked old enough to drink herself.
“Scotch,” added Pokey, taking out his bits to pay for the order. “So what brings a filly like you, to a bar like this, Miss?” asked the blue stallion.
“My name is Notary. I am a personal assistant and this is ‘A conference for assistants of all types’,” she quoted, “and you.”
“The same,” he replied with a smile. “You look a little blue, anything I can do?” he sang.
“I am less blue than you, Mr Pierce,” She replied noting his coat. “I am fine.”
“We’ll see, I’m sure I can get a laugh out of you by the end of the night.”
The drinks arrived quickly, Pokey raised his glass and clinked it against Notary’s, “To being an assistant,” he toasted.
“To being an assistant,” echoed the mare, “What would our employers do without us?”
“I know exactly how mine would end up without me, I’ve seen it. I took a week off a few months ago, when I got back I found Tri..”
Notary raised a hoof to Pokey’s mouth bringing his tale to a halt, “No names,” she said, “We’re on holiday here.”
“Ok, lets call her, err Representative Blue?”
Notary Nodded.
“I’d been on holiday for a week, I’d got things as organised as I could before I left, but by the time I got home she was buried in paperwork.... literally”
***
Pokey meandered through town nodding to locals as he passed. He had recently returned from a trip to Mareami and was still wearing his sunglasses and a large sun hat. even though the local climate was still distinctly chilly. Deciding to visit his boss to announce his return, before unpacking, he stopped off at the residency.
“Hi, Boss. I’m back,” he announced knocking on the door, a large hoofwritten sign had been attached to the door stating, ‘For the Love of Luna, we’re closed’. There was a loud thump from behind the door, a startled cry, and then silence. Several minutes passed with no further response. “Blue? are you Ok in there,” he called again. Still no response. Finally he tried the door, it was locked, he reached around to where the spare key was stored and retrieved it before opening the door.
As the door opened a pile of forms poured out onto the street and Pokey had to hop aside to avoid being covered. After a moments hesitation Pokey clambered over the pile of paper into the house “Blue? Blue? are you here?” he called.
Suddenly a blue arm broke free from one of the heaps which covered most of the space in the residence and grasped at Pokey, he jumped back in shock.
“Help me!!” came a weak voice from beneath the pile of paper.
***
“Apparently she’d thought that we’d run out of form EZ279.”
“Ah, a classic,” she interrupted, nodding.
Pokey stared at her for a moment unsure if she was being sarcastic or not, before continuing, “Anyway, Blue decided to order a few thousand, but didn’t check what volume they came in, instead of ordering a few thousand forms, she ordered a few thousand crates, she ran out of space to store them and ended up filling the whole residence before somehow knocking them all over. It took us half an hour to dig her out and all of my form-jitsu to sort that little mess out. She’s supposed to be helping to run the whole country and she couldn’t find her own plot with both hooves.”
Notary hid her slight giggles with her hoof, before regaining her composure and taking a mouthful of her drink, “That’s nothing I remember when I was off sick for a week with the croup, my employer, lets call him Duke Green, ended up losing everything.”
***
“Welcome back, Notary” announced Duke Green, with a smile just a little too big, “I hope you’re feeling better.”
“I am fine now, thank you, Sir,” she replied suspiciously. “How did things go while I was away?”
“Fine, fine.” He rubbed his face with his hoof, awkwardly. “Well, there is one small problem. You know my weekly poker nights?”
“How, much did you loose this time, sir?” Notary slumped wearily into a seat.
“Well in direct financial terms, nothing really, it’s just we started to bet more physical things ...”
She put her head in her hooves “What did you lose?”
“My provence.”
“What was that?”
“I said, my provence.”
Notary face-hoofed.
“I was drunk, but I had four princesses, and he was a terrible bluffer, it was a certain thing,” he yelled, “Stupid Flush.”
***
“It took me about ten minutes to find the relevant legislation to show that land can’t be used as a wager in a bet, if one or more of those involved are drunk. It was an oddly specific legislation and dated back to a few years after Corona was banished. Did you know that for about two days Equestria was owned by a small town landlord? Anyway, I let him sweat for a day before telling him that.”
“Oh, don’t get me started on betting, mine once wagered me.”
“Really?” said Notary, finishing her drink.
“Yep, one of her friends won my ‘services’, she got hot under the collar and needed a stallion to do some plowing,” he said with a lascivious grin.
Notary glared at him.
“No really, Carrot, I mean Miss Orange got heat stroke and I ended up being hooked up to a plow for a week. Its always the quiet ones that turn out to be card sharks.”
Pokey nodded to the barmare again to order another round of drinks. “Have you ever thought of doing something else? Getting another job?”
“Never,” she replied instantly, “I come from a long line of assistants, my parents were, as were their parents, and so on. My children will do the same, although hopefully for a higher position. And you Mr Pierce, do you want to remain an assistant?”
“It just what pays the bills at the moment, what I really want to do is pierce the sky.”
“What does that even mean?”
Pokey looked down and his mood turned somber, “It’s a promise I made to someone close to me when I was young. I don’t really know what she meant by it, but to me it means being the best I can be. Currently I’m an assistant, so I’ll be the best assistant I can. When I’ve achieved that I’ll go be something else.”
“Well if you want to be the best assistant you can be, you should be doing what your employer needs you to do, not just what they want you to do.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Assistants act as their employers memento mori.”
Pokey looked confused.
“It’s Pegalopian, it means ‘Remember that you will die’, assistants whispered it to the old pegasis commanders when they returned from battle. It was one of Private Pansy's jobs to do for Hurricane, I believe.”
“I was never much into ancient history at school but I do know the Heart’s Warming Eve story. It’s about assistants working together when their bosses can’t.”
“Perceptive of you.”
“So we’re there to prick our bosses ego’s then,” said Pokey wiggling his flank to show his safety pin cutie mark.
“Very droll, but essentially correct. We need to bring them back to Equestria when their hubris gets too great, but also do everything in our power to help them in their goals at the same time.”
“Oh, yes you always have to go that extra mile, not that they recognise how much hard work you do. I remember this one time, she said she had a little job for me.”
***
“Pokey, I have a little job for you,” announced representative Blue, “It’s very important.”
“Is it more important than all the other things I have to do for you today? Your shopping, collecting your dry cleaning, fixing the plumbing, returning your library books and keeping the government running?”
“Yes,” she said without pause. Then though for a bit “Except maybe that last one, no wait this favour involves me so it’s definitely more important that that.”
“What is it then?”
“I need you to buy a poster.”
“A poster? What kind of poster?”
“A Quartermoon The Magnificent poster, from his second Canterlot tour.”
“Your grandfather?”
“Yes, its the only one I haven't got, Grand-père used to get me one from each of his appearances, but this snake got loose that time and in the confusion he forgot. It’s very rare now, I’ve been looking for one for years, and now there's one in the window of that new collectibles store in the business district.”
“If it’s so important to you, why don’t you just go and get it yourself?”
“I tried,” she said, looking awkward, “but I might have, sort of, insulted the owner, and now’s he won’t sell to me no-matter the price.”
“What did you say to him?” asked Pokey, grinding his teeth.
“I expressed some surprise that a pony of his age still lived with his mother, and then told him that he should, maybe, wash a bit more often,” she said with an embarrassed grin.
“Well I can’t think why he won't sell after you gave him such good advice.”
“He won’t let me into the shop any more, which is why I’ll be sending my bestest assistant ever in my place.” Blue put her head on his desk and stared up at Pokey her eyes huge and pleading, “It would really mean a lot to me, pleeeeease.”
Pokey tried to stay strong, but he’d always had a weak spot for pleading mares, and soon crumbled, “Ok, I’ll go,” he agreed.
“Good, you can go at lunch, after you finish that filing,” said Blue wandering off into the depths of the residence.
*
The collectables store was a relatively new addition to the town, it consisted of a small and rather dark showroom packed with books, posters and sundry other bric a brac. As with many of the other stores in the area the proprietor, an overweight brown earth pony stallion of early middle age, lived above the store itself.
Pokey easily located the poster, it depicted an older earth pony stallion trapped in a flaming cage, the family resemblance was quite obvious, for a start Quatermoon’s cutie mark was identical to Blue’s. In the background were various images of other tricks such as a mare being sawed in half and a filly (who looked a little like Blue) being levitated across a pool of sharks. In one corner was a hoof print and the inscription, ‘To my greatest fan’.
Pokey’s inspection of the picture was interupted by the owner who appeared behind him. “So you’re interested in the Quartermoon poster are you?” he said in a nasal voice, “It’s quite the collectors item, although its not from one of best of his tour’s, no where near as good as his earlier work. Anyway it’s two hundred bits.”
“Two hundred? That rather pricey for a piece of paper,” said Pokey, shocked.
“This is a collectable, to be collected, you can’t put a price on it,” he thought for a moment, “Well I suppose you can, its two hundred bits.”
Their discussion was interrupted as another customer entered the store, Mr Grey one of Pokey’s friends, “Hi Pokey,” he said “What you doing here? Did Blue give you the day off?”
“Blue? Blue!” stammered the owner, “You work for that snob?”
“Um, sort of, anyway here’s your money,” said Pokey nervously, quickly levitating a bag of bits towards the owner.
“Keep your money, I swore I would not sell this to that nag, and I won’t sell it to her employee either. Kindly leave my store now.” he bellowed.
“But...”
“NOW!”
“Fine, but you haven't seen the last of Pokey Pierce. I’ll get that poster if it the last thing I do,” vowed Pokey, as he strode from the store followed by Grey.
“Sorry about that,” said Grey, “What are you going to do now?”
“I may not be allowed into the store but I can sit out here until he caves.”
“You’re going to sit here, in the street?” said Grey, looking around.
“I may not have thought this through, but I’m going to do it anyway,” announced Pokey, hunching down just by the entrance to the store.
*
Time passed, the sun lowered and the moon rose.
“Stupid night!” cursed Pokey, shivering slightly.
*
Time passed, the weather changed.
“Stupid Rain!” cursed Pokey, miserably, as water flowed through his soaked mane forming a puddle around him.
“Sorry, but orders are orders,” apologized a weather pegasus, positioning another cloud above the unicorns position and jumping on it to start further precipitation.
***
“You really just sat there waiting for him to just give up?” said Notary, after ordering another drink.
“For five days. I only left briefly for vital biological functions, two days of sun, two of rain and, due to an ordering mix up at weather control, one of snow. There was even lightning, and when you have a horn as long as mine, you worry about lightning.”
***
“Are you still here?” asked the owner at the start of the sixth day of Pokey’s ordeal.
Pokey looked up from the mud, he eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, and his coat and mane were caked in dirt. “Yes,” he croaked, “I’m not going anywhere until you give me that poster.”
“You’re scaring off my customers. Look, maybe we can come to some arrangement.” said the owner thoughtfully.
“Yes?” said Pokey with hope in his voice, getting to his hooves and stretching.
The owner looked around to see if they were alone before moving closer and whispering,“Well it might come as a surprise to you, but I don’t have much luck with the mares.”
Pokey looked at the overweight stallion, with his thinning mane, and noted the stink of stale sweat that emanated from him, “Really?”
“I just don’t know how to talk to them,” he whined. “I’ve had my eye on one of my neighbours for some time now, but I haven't been able to make the first move, maybe you can help me.”
“So, who’s the lucky filly?”
“Snooty Thinks-she’s-better-than-you.”
***
“Snooty Thinks-she’s-better-than-you?” said Notary, raising an eyebrow, “That’s really her name?”
“You decided that we weren’t going to use real names, so that’s what I’m going to call her,” said Pokey, sipping his latest drink.
***
“Snooty, the mare who runs the boutique down the street? White coat, purple mane?” asked Pokey, failing to hide his surprise.
“Yes, I think she’d be perfect for me, she’s cultured and stylish and has flanks that just make we want to...”
“Ok, I get it,” interpreted Pokey quickly, before the other stallion started to gesture exactly what he wanted to do to his date to be. “So you want me to ask her to go on a date with you? and then you’ll give me the poster?”
“Yes”
“OK, I’ll give it a go, but no promises that she’ll agree.”
*
After heading home for a long soak Pokey felt almost Equine again. He was pleased to find Snooty shopping in the town market and strode over to her sporting his best winning smile.
“Good morning Snooty,” he began, “You’re looking particularly stunning today.”
“Why thank you, darling,” said the white unicorn, preening, “and you’re looking, presentable.”
He decided to dive right to the heart of the matter. “Are you free on Friday night?”
Snooty gave him a hard stare up and down, “Well, Mr Pierce, although you do not quite meet up with the standards of my normal paramours, I think that if we can do something with that mane of your’s to hide your unfashionably large horn you would be acceptable. So yes, you may take me out to dinner this Friday.”
“Err, I think there’s been a bit of a mix up, I’m not asking you out for me, its for my ‘friend’ over there.” Pokey pointed at the collectable shop owner who was standing frozen to the spot just outside of his store.
Snooty stared, then began to giggle, then laugh, eventually she was rolling on the ground in hilarity, regardless of the damage the dust was doing to her usually pristine coat. She eventually recovered, wiping tears from her eyes with an embroidered hoofkerchief, “Thank you, Mr Pierce I have not had a laugh like that in simply ages.” She stared at him, “You're not joking are you?” Pokey shook his head awkwardly. Snootys manor turned icey “What makes you think I would want anything to do with that odious troll?”
“I’m sure he’s quite nice, once you get to know him,” lied the blue stallion, with a cheesy grin.
Snooty harrumphed and turned with her snout in the air, “Good day to you, Mr Pierce. I do not expect to see you or your ‘friend’ on Friday or any other day, ever.” With that she pranced away.
Pokey returned to the store with his head low. “So did she agree?” asked the owner.
“Look, I tried but she just doesn’t seem interested, I’ve heard she prefers mare’s anyway.”
“Then no poster for you, and I ask that you vacate the premises now, so that I may suffer my heartbreak in private.”
“Come on,” moaned Pokey, “I said I’d ask her out for you and I did, I didn’t guarantee that she’d accept. I can’t do miracles.”
“No date, no poster, that is final.”
“JUNIOR,” came a shout from the back of the shop making both stallions jump.
“Mom” the owner stuttered.
An elderly green unicorn emerged from the back of the store and tottered slowly towards her son.
“Did you promise this nice stallion you’d sell him that picture?”
“Well, yes, but...”
“No buts mister, you’re not too old for me to put you over my knee, young man.”
“Mmoooommmm, your embarrassing me.”
“Do it,” she said with steel in her eye.
“Here’s you go,” said the chastised owner, pushing the poster towards Pokey, who took it in his aura, “That’ll still be 200 bits,” he added.
*
“I got your poster” announced Pokey in triumph, as he entered the residence.
“What?” said Blue, looking up from a novel. “Oh, that thing, thanks,” she said dismissively as she levitated it from Pokey’s grasp and unrolled it.
“Thank’s, Thank’s, I spent all week sitting outside that store in the mud, and the rain, and snow, and Snooty, and, and,“ he dissolved into sputtering rage.
“All week? I thought I hadn’t seen you around for a while, well if that’s how you chose to spend your holiday.”
Suddenly Pokey was snapped back to attention, “My Holiday?”
“Its your job to help run the government, not sit in front of a shop, I can’t pay you for that. Well thanks for the poster, I appreciate it, I better go and hang it now.” with that she headed off to her bedroom, leaving Pokey open mouthed.
***
“She didn’t even apologize?” questioned Notary, putting down her latest drink.
“Well, I might have overstated it a bit, the poster did really mean a lot to her and her eyes did get a bit watery after reading the inscription on it. I got the money back from her, eventually, but I don’t think she really considered what I had to do to get it.”
“Part of the job is making the impossible look easy, that often leads to your boss taking you for granted. Still, I don't think I’ve ever had to spend a week in the literal mud. However, I’ve certainly gone beyond the call of duty. There was this time with a wardrobe...”
***
“Notary,” yelled Duke Green “Why is there a mare in my bed?”
The two of them had just finished a nights work at the Duke’s town house, and while Notary finished off the last of the figures for the proposed purchase of extra farmland near the Everfree, the Duke had left the room to prepare for an interview with a journalist from Equestria Today. Now he was storming back into the study.
“My Lord,” began the while unicorn calmly, looking up from her paperwork “It is not my job to comment on how anything gets into your bed.”
He blinked for a moment, before ignoring the comment, “There is a mare I’ve never seen before in my bedroom and I’m due to be interviewed in a few minutes, It’s your job to deal with my problems, so make her go away, quickly.” As if on cue there was a knock from the residences front door.
“I’ll stall the journalist, you deal with the mare,” growled Green, shoving Notary towards the bedroom door. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face, before heading towards the front door.
Quietly Notary slipped into the bedroom to find that there was indeed a unicorn mare sprawled across the sheets. Really, she wasn’t much more than a filly, her coat a deep aquamarine and her expertly styled mane blond. She yawned and looked blearily at Notary “Good Morning, Greenie,” she purred, then started, “Wait you’re not Duke Green.”
“I am his assistant, Notary,” she said politely, “and you are?”
“I’m Spoiled Brat,” she exclaimed, as if it was obvious.
***
“Spoiled Brat?” exclaimed Pokey, spitting out his drink, “What kind of name is that?”
“Snooty Thinks-she’s-better-than-you? You’re not the only one who can think of apt pseudonyms you know.”
“Like my horn, you have a point.” He giggled at his own joke, indicating for a new drink to replace the one recently wasted.
***
“May I ask what you are doing in my employer’s bed chambers, Miss.”
“I’m going to be his very special somepony, of course. Daddy absolutely hates Duke Green and he’s being mean and won’t get me the house I want, so I’m going to be with Greenie until Daddy’s nice to me again.”
Despite herself Notary boggled for a second at this piece of logic, only to be shaken back to reality by muffled voices from the door behind her.
“Good to meet you Ms Snapper, if you’ll follow me to the study, we can start the interview now,” came Green’s voice.
“Please, call me Happy, Duke Green,” came a more feminine voice, “I think these things go better in a less formal environment, maybe your personal chambers?”
“Either Green’s new aftershave works really well, or this is a set up,” thought Notary.
Quickly scanning the room and coming up with a plan she started to guide the young unicorn to the only other door in the room, the wardrobe.
“Duke Green has been preparing for your, ... visit, Miss Brat. However, he is currently otherwise engaged and has asked that you wait in this waiting room for a few minutes.” She shoved the blue/green unicorn into the cupboard just as she heard the other door start to swing open over Green’s stuttered protests. With no other option Notary quickly hopped into the cupboard herself and quietly shut the door behind her.
“This waiting room is very small, and full of clothes,” remarked Spoiled. The limited space resulted in the two of them being uncomfortably close.
“It’s all the fashion these days, it’s meant to induce calmness, you should be quiet and let it work,” bluffed Notary, in a whisper.
“As you can see, my bedroom’s really not that exciting,” came Green’s voice from the other side of the cupboard door, “I’m sure the study is better suited for this.”
“Greenie” squealed Spoiled, before Notary could put a hoof over her mouth.
“Did you hear something?” said Happy. There was movement outside the cupboard.
Thinking fast Notary grappled with the surprised Spoiled and slammed their lips together forcing her tongue down the unicorn’s throat, just as the door to the cupboard was thrown open.
***
“Oh, do close your mouth, you’re starting to drool. I did what I had to do.” Notary nodded to the bar mare, “Yes another drink for both of us. Anyway...”
***
The door opened to reveal the shocked faces of Duke Green and a dark blue pegasus with a long pink mane, and a camera around her neck, who Notary assumed was Happy Snapper. Notary and Spoiled broke apart, the young unicorn slumped to the ground apparently stunned by the oral assault.
Trying to look embarrassed (not a hard task, her normally white coat was looking distinctly pink), Notary turned to her employer and his guest. “I really am most sorry for that display, but I’m afraid I neglected to take my medication this morning, and you know of my condition.”
“Your condition?” stammered Green trying to force his eyes back into their sockets.
“Yes, my Sudden Onset Estrus Syndrome.” She turned to Happy who also looked stunned by the event, “I suffer from sudden overwhelming heats, although it is mostly kept under control by drugs. I have been fired from many jobs because of my medical history, it has only been Duke Green who has been kind enough to look beyond the condition itself and deem to employ me.” She smiled at her employer. “Unfortunately, I was rather hurried leaving my home this morning and forgot to take my pills, which led to me being overwhelmed by my, err urges, I’m sure you understand Miss, in fact I believe that your magazine did an article on the condition, and the discrimination its sufferer often suffer, only last month.” Notary nodded to Happy.
Green began to recover “Ah, yes, your ‘Throbbing Biological urges’” he replied with a smile. He seemed to enjoy Notary’s embarrassment more than he should.
“Urges?” mumbled Spoiled from the floor.
“Luckily, my, umm, marefriend was on hoof to help me out, although unforgivably, we tried to use the Duke’s chambers for privacy, and were startled by your arrival. I apologize for my behaviour and will of course submit to any punishment you deem fit for my actions. I’ll get out of your mane so you can commence your interview.” With that she heaved the still stunned Spoiled to her hooves, and dragged her from the room.
“Punishment?” noted Happy, with a raised eyebrow.
“Don’t say it that way, that mare has a serious medical condition,” replied Green watching them leave.
By the time Notary had led her to the front door Spoiled had recovered somewhat and started chattering. “It’s not that I don’t feel flattered that you get urges about me, but I’m not into mares that much. So if you’d just stop pushing me, I can go and have a talk to my Greenie Weenie and see about Daddy getting me that a house.”
With a final shove Notary threw the blond unicorn out of the house and slammed the door, she was very gratified when she felt the door smack Spoiled on the plot as it shut.
***
“Well, that was certainly beyond the call of duty,” noted Pokey. “Wasn’t there some fall out from dealing with Spoiled Brat, or whatever her real name was?”
”Well she spent the next few days stalking Green, and the guards had to stop her breaking into his residence several times, which made her a less than credible witness. However, eventually she found some other poor soul who her father approved of even less and we never saw the little cretin again. The incident wasn’t entirely without consequence, Green still teases me about my ‘Urges’ sometimes.”
“You really didn’t like her did you?” he teased, “Was it because she was trying to come on to Green, is there a little jealousy there? Have you ever thought there might be something between you and your boss?” Pokey leaned forward somewhat unsteadily. “Long hours spent in gloomy rooms, your eyes meet over the paperwork, there’s a spark, suddenly you find yourself bent over the desk, halfway to heaven!“
“What a turn of phrase, you should be a poet,” she replied dryly.
“It’s a bit crude I know, but I’ve read books about it happening, well magazines, well letters in magazines.” He trailed off, “Anyway have you ever considered it?”
Notary seemed to ponder this for a moment, staring into her latest drink, “Power can be a great aphrodisiac. Duke Green is, not unattractive, and can be somewhat charming when he wants, but I’ve seen what he does with his consults when he’s finished with them, and I keep my work and social life completely separate. Anyway, I already have a very special somepony, I try to keep Snowy away from work as much as possible. How about you, Mr Pierce, you appear to be a ‘player’,” she made the quotes signs with her hooves, “Is there anything between you and Blue?”
“Nice to know there’s a reason you haven’t fallen for my charms, your coltfriend must be very special.”
She gave a small smile, and her gaze became somewhat distant. “He is very special, gentle and quiet. His job takes him away from the city a lot, we would have been together now if not for this conference.”
“Hence the long face.”
“I am feeling a little ... lonely.”
The two of them sat in silence for a moment, then Notary shook herself, and returned her eyes to Pokey, “Anyway, you are avoiding my question. Have you ever ‘bent Blue over the desk’ and had her ‘Halfway to Heaven’?”
“Normally closer to Tartarus then Heaven.” he quipped. “Well, she’s not that hard on the eyes, and once you get past the rampant egotism, she’s actually quite fun to be around, but she has certain, issues ... about that sort of thing. In fact just last week she got grossed out by a couple in the park and decided to start a petition to outlaw what she termed ‘public ickiness’. That lasted for about an afternoon until her friend Che... um, Miss Pink, brought a group of school foals on a visit to explain how the government worked and asked her to explain what the petition was about. She quickly turned from Representative Blue, to Representative Pink, to Representative Red, to Representative Invisible and finally Representative Hiding Under Her Bed. She didn’t come out for a day or so, and when she did she decided to repress her memories of it all happening in the first place.”
Pokey concentrated hard and used his magic to put his now empty glass among its brethren, the pile seemed to include several cocktails he didn’t remember drinking. He thought about it for a moment, but the puzzle was too complicated, so he ordered another. “Sometimes I wonder why I put up with, her, her, Blueness,” he said slurring his words slightly.
“Well, in my case, it is at least partially due to the far above average salary that Duke Green pays me. Almost certainly more than you.”
Pokey, looked at the large number of glasses on the table, mostly paid for by himself. He thought for a second, “Fair enough,” he said, “But you know sometimes when you’re really working up to hating them, they just go and do something, nice, to show they care, just to throw you off.”
***
“As I explained, if Mr Rich wants to build a new warehouse on a green field site he’s going to have to submit a proposal with both the mayor and the night court, it will then be reviewed and an investigation carried out. That can take four to six months, its the way it has to be. I can get you the forms for it but nothing more,” said Pokey, through gritted teeth, for what seemed like the tenth time.
The cause of his frustration stood across the desk from him, glaring. Bull Dozer was a large brown earth pony stallion with a vibrant red mane which seemed almost like a flame. His flank was covered in an image of a bull smashing its way through a fence. It was said that his special talent was getting things done, regardless of the cost, or maybe just smashing things and people that got in his way. “And I’m telling you that Mr Rich doesn’t want to wait that long, he wants the building up and in place by autumn and that's less than 6 months away, and what Mr Rich wants, I make sure he gets,” rumbled the large stallion.
“I’m sorry but ...“ started Pokey, only to be interrupted by Bull leaning over the desk and putting his snout in Pokey’s face.
“I don’t want any sorry’s, I don’t want any buts, I want you to sort it so that I can put that warehouse up, and I want it now,” he roared rapping his hoof on the desk for punctuation. “I was your boss when you worked for Mr Rich, and you were a waste of space then and you’re a waste of space now. If you can't get anything done, you simpering paper pusher, then get me your boss, I want to talk to the organ grinder not the monkey! Get me the great and powerful Doxie herself.“
Pokey bristled at this and firmly pushed Bull away, “I’m afraid that Representative Blue, is busy at the moment, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“You little maggot! how dare you touch me! I’ll have your hide for that!” roared Bull raising a hoof.
Suddenly there was a flash of light and Blue herself was standing there, however, she was not her usual size, she towered over the stallion’s, at least twice their height. “You wanted to talk to me Mr Dozer?” she bellowed.
Bull staggered back, and stared open mouthed.
“I think there was talk of an Organ Grinder? Luckily, I just had mine delivered from Luna’s personal dungeon in Canterlot.” A device, which seemed to mostly be made of blades and corkscrews, appeared at one side of the office and started to play a cheerful tune. “I guess I just need a monkey now.”
There was a further flash of light and Bull looked down at himself. Instead of the normal hooves he saw long thin arms ending in dexterous fingers, behind him a prehensile tail whipped from side to side.Giving a decidedly equine whinny of terror Bull bolted through the offices door, returning to his normal form as he did so, and kept on going. His shrieks drawing some attention from the passing townsfolk.
Within the office the giant Blue vanished to be replaced by a more normal sized version. “Well that was good practice,” she noted, before turning to Pokey, “Are you OK?” she said gently.
“I’m fine, that’s going to cause us some problems” noted Pokey, nodding towards the distant Bull, “But thanks anyway, boss,” he said gratefully.
“I didn’t want a boring life anyway, and you’re welcome Pokey.”
***
“So did it?” said Notary.
“Did it what?” muttered Pokey, his eyes somewhat unfocused.
“Cause you some problems?”
“Oh, not really, turns out Bull was supposed to apply for the licences almost a year earlier but he’d forgotten. He got demoted when his boss found out. Blue had to give me an official wrap on the hooves and sent me here to ‘learn how to be a good assistant’ so I got a few days holiday out of it.”
“Of course you don’t really know if she acted so extreamly because he insulted you, or her. Do you?”
“I suppose not, I like to think it’s because she appreciates me,” he lowered his head to the table.
“I have the same dilemma, but like you I am tempted to think the best of my employer, for instance during a recent business deal...”
***
“As I’m sure you know, Duke Green, the silver mines of the Destrier range are some of the richest in the country and the current owner is fully aware of this,” said Smooth Deal, “However, certain tax problems means that she needs an immediate influx of capital, and so is currently willing to sell some of the mineral rights, for a relatively low price.” The green mare used her magic aura to push a large pile of papers across the desk to Green himself. “If you would just sign the contract we can complete the deal today.”
Green looked across at the relaxed Unicorn sitting opposite him, “I’ll just need to have my assistant look over these before I sign, but I’m sure there shouldn’t be any problems.” Notary stepped forward and started to leaf through the papers.
Smooth blinked as if noticing the white pony for the first time, she started to look a little worried. “I’m afraid my employer needs this deal completed as quickly as possible, we only came to you first as a matter of courtesy Duke, there any many others interested in such a profitable proposition.”
Green smiled at Smooth, and again at Notary, “Don’t worry, she’s very good at this sort of thing, I’m sure it’ll only take a few minutes, then we can conclude our business.”
The time slowly ticked by as Notary scanned the documents provided. “Most of the deal appears as expected, my lord,” she reported, Smooth relaxed slightly. “However, there does appear to be an error in the body of the contract itself, it refers to the land being part of the Destrior range rather than the Destrier. As I am sure Ms Deal is aware, the Destrior range is in a disputed part of Equestria’s border with the Gryphon Kingdoms, and there have been no major mineral finds there for several centuries.”
Smooth glared daggers at Notary who smiled serenely back, “I’m sure it’s just a small typo, my lord,” spluttered the unicorn, “easily corrected.” She grasped the contract in her magic and yanked it back before stuffing it into her saddle bags. “Procreating earth pony she-dog” she muttered under her breath.
***
“Procreating earth pony she-dog?” said Pokey, looking confused.
Notary took another sip of her drink, “Well something like that,” she said with a smile.
The cogs started to spin in his rather sozzled brain before a look of understanding crossed his face. “Oh.”
***
Green walked around the table and put an arm over Smooth’s back gently guiding her to the door. “Now I see that you were trying to con me, and to be honest, I almost fell for it, and if I had, that would have been my own fault,” he said jovely. “However, “ he continued in a darker tone, “When you insult my staff, just for doing her job well, then you're insulting me, and there’s only one way to deal with such an insult to a noble. A duel.”
“A duel?” queried Smooth, starting to sweat “Isn't that illegal?”
“Oh, I think you’ll find that dueling is still quite legal, isn’t that right, Notary?”
“Yes, sir, there are still statutes that allow dueling to settle disputes, in certain situations.” She didn’t add that those situations were so limiting as to mean that no duel had been carried out in the last two hundred years and included Luna herself giving personal permission.
“Now, as much as I’m looking forward to meeting you on the field of honor, I have a rather full schedule at the moment, so if you offer a sincere apology to my assistant, and myself, we can forget about this whole unfortunate incident.”
“I’m sorry,” muttered the unicorn staring at the floor.
“I’m afraid that didn’t sound very sincere to me. Notary, if you would be so good as to fetch my crossbow, and cancel my 11:30 appointment.”
Smooth fell to her knees and stared up at Notary’s face, “I’m so sorry,” she wailed, “I didn’t mean what I said about you.” She looked like he was about to burst into tears.
“Apology accepted” noted the white mare, her expression carefully neutral.
***
“Sounds like he really does care for you to me” mumbled Pokey, his eye’s closed. Around them the tables were littered with unconscious ponies and the bar was closing.
“I think we should be getting you to bed, Mr Pierce,” said Notary, getting to her feet with only a trace of unsteadiness and heaving him onto her back, “Your own bed, of course. You’ve got a long trip back to Ponyville tomorrow.”
“Thanks, can you stop swaying so much?” His eyes suddenly snapped open, “How'd you know I’m from Ponyville?”
She smiled “Even if I had not memorised the names of all of the representatives in Equestria and the important members of their staff. There are only fifty two representatives with blue coats or manes, of which only thirty eight are female. Of those, twenty one are unicorns and only six of those are in farming communities where they are likely to have a friend who would need help plowing and there is definitely only one who is the granddaughter of Quartermoon the Magnificent, Trixie Lulamoon, representative of Ponyville.”
Pokey wiggled on her back for a moment before lying limp again, “I guess I really messed this up,” he moaned. “Still at least, I know who you work for. Your clever misdirection didn’t work on me.”
“Really, so who is Duke Green then?”
“It’s that Blueblood guy isn’t it, you work for him.”
Notary came to a sudden stop, which caused Pokey’s head to spin even more, “That’s ... very perceptive of you, Mr Pierce.”
“See now you can’t tell your boss about the things I told you about Blue, I mean Trixie, I mean Blue, I think. Because I can tell her about your boss and stuff. Not that I would because, we’re like, assistant buddies.” his voice slowly became quieter as he drifted off to sleep.
Notary chuckled for a moment. “You made me laugh,” she mused under her breath. “Of course, Pokey,” she said at a normal volume, “Under the unwritten code of the assistants, I could not possibly mention anything you said while you were ‘she-dog’ing about your boss, while under the effects of alcohol. Your secrets are safe with me.”
The only reply was a quiet snore.
Author's Note
This story changed quite a bit in the writing, it was originally going to be in a film noir style with Trixie and Greengrass plotting against each other and Pokey and Notary stopping their employers self destruction by sabotaging their plans. However, that was a bit complicated so it eventually evolved into this comedy.
Thanks to Fizzy Orange for his comments.