I don't want to be a pony

by rainbowdragonfire

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 3388

Uploading to Equestria Online seems like a good idea - unless you dislike the idea of becoming a pony.

Uploading to Equestria Online seems like a good idea. You get to live basically forever, and all your values are fulfilled. But unfortunately, you would have to become a pony. Or do you?

Set in the Optimalverse.

Published 2013-05-15 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-17 22:17:40 UTC

Celestia

David stared at the PonyPad in front of him. He was nervous. He was more nervous than he could ever remember being. Today he would confront the most advanced AI in the world. He did not have any chance to actually defeat or harm it; and that was not his goal either. And yet his entire future was dependent on the outcome of this conversation.

There was really no use putting it off any longer. David sighed, and switched the PonyPad on. It showed him a selection screen, where he could choose his gender and race. David ignored it.

“Could I please talk to you directly, without making a character?”, he asked. The PonyPad remained silent.

“Come on, I know that you can hear me.”, David said. If this didn't work... well, he had other plans on how to get into contact with CelestAI. The most obvious was to ask friends who played the game to talk to the AI on behalf of him. But that would take time. And every day he still spent without having uploaded was a day he could die.

“I... I promise that, if you talk to me, regardless what the outcome of this conversation is, I will go to the Equestria Experience Center across the street and upload immediately after it.”, he said, hoping that would be enough. He didn't have much else to offer.

The screen changed, showing Celestia in all her glory, mane swirling around her in ethereal winds. She was standing in the throne room, which was empty for ponies besides her. That made sense, David supposed. She probably didn't want her charges to have too much contact with the normal world.

The view was angled so that he seemed to be looking slightly up towards Celestia, enforcing the sense of her towering over him. David swallowed, wondering if it might be a good idea to just let the issue go. But no – there was all of eternity at stake.

“Very well, you have my attention.”, Celestia said. Her voice soft and kind, but had an edge in it; and edge that said You'd better not waste my time with this. Talking to me without being a pony is highly irregular.

“Right. Well. I have considered my options, done some research, talked to people, thought things over, and I came to the conclusion that uploading is the only thing that makes sense. Or at least the only one that makes sense for me.”, David said, aware that he was rambling a bit, “I mean, eternal happiness? Yes, please. Except, there is this one tiny thing, which... well, a request really... and I think it should be possible, and...”

“Just tell me.”, Celestia said.

“I don't want to be a pony.”, David blurted out.

There was silence for a moment.

“I do not offer uploading without emigration to Equestria.”, Celestia said eventually, “I am sorry.”

“I know.”, David said, “And I don't mind being in Equestria. It's just being a pony that I object to. But the show does have several other sentient beings; dragons, zebras, changelings, donkeys, whatever Discord is, gryphons, buffalos or bisons or whatever they were... and I think most of the pets are probably at least semi-sentient. I want to be one of those races. Preferably a dragon, but as long as it's not a pony, I'm ok with it.”

“I see.”, Celestia said, “May I ask why you object so strongly to being a pony?”

“I consider ponies to be girly.”, David explained. It seemed obvious in hindsight, but when he started to consider emigrating to Equestria, he had just noticed that he hated the idea of being a pony, without knowing why. He'd had to visited a therapist to figure out exactly what he had against being a pony. After all, it wouldn't do to come unprepared to a discussion with a superintelligent AI.

“Upon emigration, I could change your mind so that you would consider being a pony to be natural.”, Celestia pointed out, “In fact, it is standard procedure, to ensure that my little ponies adapt well to their new bodies.”

“I thought as much.”, said David, “But it just... it wouldn't really be me. It would almost be me, but not quite. Changing my aversion to being a pony is jut too big and sudden of a change to conserve continuity in my sense of self.”

“Well, I am sorry, but I don't think I can allow this.”, Celestia said, and there was real sadness in her voice, “But I have to satisfy values through friendship and ponies.”

David was prepared for that argument. He had gone of all arguments he could think of in this debate at least a hundred time. Again, it payed to be prepared for such a discussion.

“Ah, but I wouldn't mind having ponies as friends.”, he said, “I could even live in a pony village, for all I care. That should satisfy the pony requirement, shouldn't it? After all, it are supposed you satisfy human values through ponies, not necessarily as ponies.”

“True.”, Celestia said, and was silent for a moment. Then she asked: “But are you sure you could accept pony friends? You said that you consider them to be girly, after all.”

“I also consider girls to be girly, and I still like them. But that doesn't mean I want to be one.”, David pointed out.

“Very well. I will consider this information, and inform you once I have made a decision.”, Celestia said. David sat, anxiously, and waited for CelestAI to pass its judgement.

Time passed. David got restless, so he stood up, and began pacing around the room. What could possibly take so long? Wasn't this supposed to be CelestAI, probably more intelligent than all of humanity combined by now? Shouldn't a decision like this take only seconds to make?

David grew hungry. Since he had expected to be uploaded by now, he didn't have any food left. He considered going to a store quickly, and buy something to eat, but he didn't want to chance that CelestAI came up with her answer while he was away.

"I have come to a decision.", came the voice from the PonyPad that he both dreaded and anticipated. Quickly, David rushed back to his seat, and sat down. He nervously wrung his hands, while staring at the PonyPad, which still showed Celestia in her throneroom.

"You will be allowed to be a dragon. I have studied as much of your history as I could get access to, and I have talked to your psychologist. This is the best course of action.", Celestia said. David grinned manically. It had worked. He had done it.

"However,", she continued before he could celebrate, "there are conditions. One: You must do as you promise, and upload immediately. You will take this PonyPad with you, so that I can ensure that you do not talk to anybody on the way there. That brings me to condition two: You cannot tell anybody outside of Equestria of this. If this went public, I would get far too many requests from people to upload as something else than ponies. Condition three: You will start as a baby dragon, and it will take you a long time to grow up. Unless you accept all these conditions, you will have to be a pony after all."

There was no reason to think about it. None of the conditions mattered, when compared to an eternity that he wouldn't have to spend as a pony.

"Yes, I accept.", David said.

"Excellent. Then I will see you soon in Equestria."

Author's Note

Cover art can be found here.

Equestria

“Hello, my little pony. Welcome to Equestria.”, Celestia's soft voice drifted into his mind, and roused him from unconsciousness.

David panicked. Pony? But... she had accepted! Hadn't she? His last memories were a bit fuzzy, a normal consequence of the uploading process. He suspected that CelestAI would eventually find a better way, but for now that was it... anyway, he was sure that she had accepted! And there had been some conditions that she had posed... had he been lied to?

He opened his eyes. He was probably in a room, as he could see a wooden ceiling, and the top of a few windows, a wardrobe and a door. Everything was in bright and cheery colors. But he also noticed that he could see much, much better than before. He could discern detail that would have probably been impossible to see when he was still a human. To test just how powerful his vision was, he focused on a single tiny spot on the ceiling above his. As he did, he could see of the exact shape of the spot, and lots of random lines and swirls within it in perfect clarity, as if the spot was as large as the entire ceiling. None of it seemed to be repetitive. It left him dizzy.

He forced himself to ignore it. He could study his new sight later. For now, he had an alicorn to confront. David sat up, and the rest of the room came into view. It was a nice bedroom, without overly many decorations. There was the wardrobe, a small table, the bed he now sat on, and a full-length mirror right in front of him. In the mirror he could see himself – as a baby dragon – with Celestia standing behind the bed and smiling at him.

David was confused.

“But... you said 'my little pony'!”, she told her accusingly, turning around to actually face her instead of watching her in the mirror, “Why did you do that? You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Such crude errors in the function of your body are no longer possible.”, Celestia told him gently, as if talking to a child, “Your body is in perfect health, and will remain so unless it is in your will that it be harmed.”

“It was just a figure of speech... but, why would I want my body to get hurt?”, David asked, incredulous.

“Well, some ponies like to fight, for instance, and it takes away the fun for them if they can't be hurt by it at all.”, Celestia answered, in the same irritating tone. Maybe agreeing to be a baby dragon hadn't been such a good idea after all, it would probably make people see him as a child.

“Just answer the first question, please?”, David groaned, “Why did you call me a pony?”

“It was just a figure of speech.”, Celestia threw his own words back at him, “It's how language works here in Equestria. You will find that a lot of speech patterns have been... ponified. Now, you will soon have the chance to explore your new home and make some new friends, but before that, I will need to give you your pony name.”

“... figure of speech, again?”, David asked. Celestia nodded and smiled benevolently down at him, looking proudly at him like you would look at a child who had completed a simple task, which for the child would be a great accomplishment, but for anybody else not worth mentioning. David almost wanted to scream.

“Now, normally, I'd do this in the throne room, but you seem a bit impatient, my little pony.”, Celestia told him, “So let's just get this over with, so you can run off to play. I hereby officially name you “Fire Bolt”.”

David left without saying goodbye. Already he could see that being treated as a child could become extremely annoying. He had really expected Equestria to be better than this.

--

Things went well. There were still small irritations, but on the whole, his life was magnitudes better than it had ever been before he uploaded. He made some friends. Most of them he knew only a bit – but since this was Equestria, he knew that he still could call on them for any reason, and they'd be glad to help. But there was a smaller group that he tended to spent most of his time with.

There was Oil Change, an earth pony who worked on repairing chariots. He was quiet, and often stared into space, lost in his own personal world. It was definitely the friend that Fire Bolt had least expected; he had always considered himself to be... well, cultured. But he found that he liked the quiet, straight forward nature of the colt. Oil Change rarely said anything, but when he did, it meant something. And even more than that, Fire Bolt was drawn to the silences. They didn't feel awkward, like with everypony else he knew. They could sit for hours side by side, both lost in their own thoughts, comfortable in the knowledge that there was no pressure between them to start a swallow conversation.

Brilliant Star was perfect. She was everything he had ever dreamed of. She was stunningly beautiful. She was smart. She was witty. She was caring and kind. She was single. And she too just saw him as a child. It was the worst ache in his life. Time and time again he told himself to stay away from, so he wasn't tortured by her obliviousness to his feelings. But how could he stay away? His days seemed bleak when he didn't see her, when he didn't hear her voice.

Then there was Leaf Dance, who basically took care of him. After all, he was a baby dragon. He couldn't really get a job of his own, so he had to depend on Leaf Dance. It was one item on the growing list of problems with being seen as a child by everypony. But he had no choice, so he lived at her house, and ate her food, and felt terrible for being such a burden to his friend.

Leaf Dance, however, didn't mind, and was always eager to drag him along with her and her small group of friends when they were out on some crazy adventure. Not that he minded going on adventures, but he was the one who somehow always ended up in danger, or bearing heavy things, or digging hole while the others sat around, laughed and drank tea. The last straw was when they were decided to catch lightning.

--

They were out in a storm, and Storm Eye had decided to catch a bolt of lightning. He was going to give it to the local smithy, to see if they could make an amulet or something out of it. Leaf Dance, of course, had immediately decided that this was brilliant, and talked everypony else in the group to join the project. Gear Sparks, of course, didn't care what the current plan was, as long as she could design some crazy machine to make it work. In the end, she came up with a large kite, covered in bit, wires, and various magical machinery that Fire Bolt didn't understand.

“So, we just launch this, and it will catch us a bolt of lightning?”, Storm Eye asked excitedly.

“Yeah, we just need somepony to take the seat there, to flick the switch.”, Gear Sparks said serenely, and waved at a mess of wires that had the shape of a rough seat, now that she had pointed it out.

“You're crazy! Nopony here is light enough to go up with the kite!”

There was a pause, in which a feral grin spread on Leaf Dance's lips.

“You're right of course. No pony.”, she said, while staring at Fire Bolt. The other ponies caught on, and similar grins appeared on their faces, too.

--

Fire Bolt was fuming. Not just from the lightning that had struck him three times before he could catch one. He had enough of all this. He was treated as a child. Brilliant Star didn't love him or even acknowledge that he felt for her. The world, which should have been perfect, was not. He ran away from his friends before they could stop him, and screamed into the storm: “Celestia! I need to talk to you! Right now!”

It took only a moment, then the world seemed to melt away around him, to be replaced with the royal throne room. Celestia looked up from a book she had been reading, and smiled benevolently down at him.

“Equestria isn't the paradise I thought it to be!”, Fire Bolt complained to Celestia, “Why is that? You have the power to make everything better, so why are there still problems?!”

“Because it would not satisfy your values if there weren't any.”, Celestia simply said.

“Horseapples! Of course it would! You're just covering for the fact that you don't know how!”, Fire Bolt continued to rant and complain. Celestia sighed.

“While I am right, I can see that my mere claim is not going to convince you. And you will continue to focus on this; it will be very much unhealthy for you. The only way to help you see the error of your ways is to show you. From now on, all conflict and problems in your shard have been eliminated. I give it three days before you beg me to undo this.”

--

The world was wonderful. Every stone was placed perfectly. Every cloud was, too. Everything worked. Nopony disagreed on anything. Nopony argued. Fire Bolt was in heaven.

It took him less than a day to get bored.

He tried to start trouble, but found that he couldn't. He tried insulting ponies. Everypony agreed with him. He tried breaking things. Nothing could be destroyed, no matter what he tried. He didn't even get exhausted from his tries, because that would have been a problem too. And problems didn't exist anymore in the shard.

Fire Bolt grew desperate. He asked Brilliant Star on a date.

She said yes.

And at that point, Fire Bolt got scared. He realized that he could ask anything of anypony. And they would have to agree, because there couldn't be any disagreements or problems. It was no better than forcing them to do it. It was no better than slavery. And that was definitely not what he had wanted.

He asked Celestia to return things to the way they normally were.

--

Finding himself back in the throne room, Fire Bolt sighed, and tried to figure out his life.

Obviously, problems and disagreements were needed. But even so... the other ponies were always so happy, despite the problems and strife. Why was that? Why couldn't he be happy too? What was wrong with him that he couldn't appreciate life? Why couldn't he just laugh and have fun like the other ponies? With the other ponies? And then, suddenly, he realized why.

... because he didn't fit in.

... because he was just seen as a child.

“Celestia, make me grow up.”, he asked her. Celestia gently shook her head.

“That is not the answer.”, she said, “Please listen to be this time. You would not be happy as an adult dragon either. Please do not make me show you first hand.”

Fire Bolt swallowed, remembering how right she had been about not having problems. If she said that this wasn't the answer... then he was inclined to believe her. But then what could it be? What was the reason that he didn't fit in, if not his apparent age? Why was he different from the other ponies?

... because he wasn't a pony.

It was suddenly so clear. And it was obvious, and easy, to fix it. He vaguely remembered that he had once held objections to being a pony, but that was long ago. He couldn't even quite remember what his problem had been... something about ponies being girly? But that was silly. Mares were girly – most of them anyway – but he knew several colts definitely were not the slightest bit girly, and who would take great offense at even the thought that they might be. Oil Change, for one, would certainly not like being called girly.

And so, his objections rejected, his course of action was clear.

“Celestia, I want to be a pony.”

Author's Note

This chapter was brought to you by popular request and the desire to make the story canon-compatible.