Fit to Print

by Rytel

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1123

Luna finds out Celestia is prominently featured in Equestrian tabloids... and becomes jealous.

Equestria has all kinds of publications, from reputable and well-researched journals to trashy tabloids and their certified 134% genuine celebrity gossip. Who would possibly want their name and face in the latter's articles? Well, Celestia certainly doesn't seem to mind, and now that Luna's discovered the genre, she doesn't seem like she'd mind it either… if the tabloids would actually write something about her, that is.

But Luna's a resourceful mare. She can fix this injustice. All she has to do is fabricate a scandal so intriguing that no paparazzi could resist…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-15 04:10:03 UTC

Prologue

        “Sister, I demand you inform me why this publication insists on pronouncing you to be morbidly obese!”

        Celestia couldn’t help but smile at the magazine currently thrust into her face by a much more stern-faced princess. “Hey, they did a good job editing the photo this time!” Quickly grabbing the top of the page, she flipped the magazine around (and with it, her sister’s foreleg), the article now assaulting Luna’s vision. “Look at the size of my butt! I could block out the sun itself.”

        “It would be an excellent photograph were it not clear as crystal quartz that your hindquarters do not remotely resemble those pictured. Nor have you, as this article goes on to state, ‘purchased a common pony’s copper bathtub for use as the royal cake pan.’”

        Celestia managed to stifle a laugh, but only barely. “Hey, that’s not a bad idea! Well, maybe. I don’t think we have an oven it could fit in. Then again, we could just commission one of those too, so-”

        “Sister! This publication is spreading vicious lies regarding the state! This is libel! This is treason! They must be shut down at once!”

        “Luna. Calm down. I understand why you’re upset, but tabloids like this are harmless.”

        Those words stunned Luna into silence for a brief moment. While still quite indignant, a touch of alarm was beginning to creep in as well. “‘Like this?’ You mean to imply there are more?”

        Celestia retained her (unintentionally) smug smile. “Here and there. I think you’ve found one of the big ones, though...” Celestia turned her sister’s foreleg back around, gathering a clearer view of the magazine’s text. “Yep. Canterlot Weekly Crown, the biggest, trashiest tabloid in all of Equestria. Come to think of it, it’s about time something like this came up. They haven’t printed an exposé on me in months.”

        With one word, the pace of alarm moved from creep to stampede. “Months? While I can infer that fabricated gossip is this publication's stock and trade, you’re insinuating that features regarding yourself are a regular occurrence?”

        “Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

        “Tia-”

        “They’re hilarious!”

        “Forgive me for failing to consider libel against the state the apex of humor.”

        Celestia sighed. She understood her sister’s position, but not why she was so unwilling to budge on it. “Come on, Luna. Don’t you think that if I wanted to shut their presses down, I would’ve done it years ago? Practically nopony actually believes anything in those stories, and those that do aren’t worth worrying about. Besides, sometimes it’s nice to just be able to laugh at yourself.”

        “I... suppose I could afford to deign to your reason in this instance.”

        “Good. But still, thanks for bringing this to my attention. Can I read the rest of it?”

        Luna released her grip from the magazine as Celestia took it. “You’re legitimately interested in this drivel?”

        “I wouldn’t call it drivel... more ‘unintentional humor.’ I would subscribe and have them delivered to the castle, but if an actual news outlet picked up on that...” Celestia shook her head. “Sometimes public relations is more trouble than it’s worth.”

        “Because you are the one between us with the issue in that regard.” Her tone seemed acidic, but the smirk in the corner of Luna’s mouth proved otherwise.

        “Only due to a council of advisors telling me what I should and should not make public.” She paused for a second, turning the page. Apparently Fleur de Lis had six months to live. Again. “That’s why I like reading this junk. Celebrity is fine; I can handle that. But... “

        “You’re a figurehead,” Luna replied, easily following the train of thought. “A paragon. An ideal. You’re not somepony. You’re hardly even a pony at all.”

        Celestia peered up from the tabloid, smiling gently. “I’ve told you this before, haven’t I?”

        “Had I a bit for each instance, our coffers would overflow.” Luna chuckled lightly to herself. “Not that I mind. Continue.”

        “Well, these articles... they ponify me. They bring me down to celebrity status, and I like that. I mean, you can’t tell an ideal that she’s fat, or that she’s slept with the entire royal guard, or that she’s secretly a reverse vampire, but a celebrity? Fair game.”

        Luna pivoted herself around, now admittedly a bit curious about the tabloid’s contents. “A reverse vampire, you claim?”

        “It was... one of their more inventive stories, I’ll admit.”

        “And what, precisely, does being a ‘reverse vampire’ constitute?”

        “Well, I was powered by the sun and would turn to dust if I went out at night unprotected. Also if you had a bunch of garlic lying around, I would show up at your house uninvited.”

        Luna paused to ponder the latter statement. “Dare I ask if there was precedent for that?”

        Celestia rolled her eyes, mentally recalling the events that led to such accusations. She’d had a long day at court, harassed the royal chef over a craving for garlic bread one time... “It was a coincidence. Just like the ‘turn into a bear on a full moon’ thing. I was in the wrong place at the right time, they made, shall we say,.. ‘assumptions...’”

        Luna tried not to act miffed as her sister turned a page before she was done reading. “I must admit: these tales indeed seem entertaining. I’m left to wonder what tales of myself they’ve fabricated. Cannot be worse than modern folklore, one certainly hopes.”

        “Actually, come to think of it... they haven’t really done anything about you. Probably for the best.”

        Luna shifted her head back a bit, mildly stunned from this knowledge. “Nothing? In over two years since my return? Despite a year of that seeing myself become a clandestine shut-in?”

        “Well-”

        “Despite my deplorable lack of social grace during Nightmare Night?”

        “Don’t- You’re really reading too much into this.”

        “Despite...” Luna took in a deep breath, steeling herself against what she wished to say. Sure, it was libel. It was treason. It was negative publicity. But considering a public that still had trouble splitting herself and Nightmare Moon apart...

“Well, these articles... they ponify me. They bring me down to celebrity status, and I like that.”

 Luna sighed. “Perhaps you are right. It may be for the best.” Luna slowly trotted away, not giving any notion of a look back. “Enjoy your unintentional humor, dear sister. Some of us have duties this evening.”

        The door was lightly shut, but still echoed in the large parlor. Celestia stared at the door for a few seconds before shaking her misgivings off. “She’ll be alright,” she told herself. “She’s had worse, and so have I...” She flipped to the next page. “Ah, Blueblood. I will never get tired of your addictions.”