Rarity, this first part is for Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. I think you already understand why.
There's a part for you after that. Once you finish your part, please tear it off. I don't want Mom and Dad to get hold of it.
I'm sorry.
* * *
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo,
You guys made school bearable. I love you both, and I always will.
I'm sorry it came to this, I really am. But you guys moved on, and grew up, and I just got older.
I tried to tell myself I'd just live without it, destiny be damned. I really did, for a long time, but nopony treats you like you're grown unless you have it.
I tried to just do adult things. Just find someone to love, maybe get married, all that. I did, really. But I'm forty now. Do you guys have any idea what it's like to go into a club and get carded at my age?
No. I couldn't try to tell you, either. It was just too humiliating, and you wouldn't have understood.
Even when I got in without getting embarrassed, I couldn't just be normal, without my mark. Most ponies avoided me, and a hoofful gravitated to me. It makes you look young, they'd say. How did a filly like you get in here, they'd say. After a while, whenever a colt or mare would hit on me, I never knew if it was me or the lack of a cutie mark. I had so many creepers at first, telling me how young it made me look. Eventually I just let it happen, let them try to treat me nice. I could pretend I was loved, even if I knew they just loved my lack of a cutie mark.
Then the creepers dried up as I got older, and somehow that was even worse. I couldn't even pretend I could be loved, any more.
Eventually I just stopped going out.
I only get out of the house now to get food. A lot of the ponies are nice, but they know what I am. They're nice out of pity, not because they think of me as an equal. I'm just a freak to them, not a real equine being.
So, I can't have a special somepony, not really. I'm just the blank flank to all of them, and I always will be.
I tried for a long time to make work my priority, but after I lost that job with the Cakes -- and it wasn't their fault, I just couldn't be around other ponies all the time any more -- I don't think I'll ever be able to get a job again. Half the time when I apply they want to verify my age, and half the time they just think I'm that weird old filly. They call me that, sometimes, when they think I can't hear.
So now Rarity supports me. She's my sister, and I know family is supposed to do that, but -- I'm never going to be able to do things for her. She says she doesn't need anything from me, but that's the Element talking.
I'm useless.
I can't have anything that isn't charity, and it's all because of that stupid blank flank.
I'm really sorry about what I said the last time I saw you both. I really am. Neither of you deserved it, and all I can really do now is hope you'll forgive me. I kind of got set off when I saw that Golden Delicious had gotten her cutie mark, and that's no excuse, but I took it pretty badly. Which is obvious. I shouldn't have yelled at a filly. I shouldn't have yelled at either of you.
I should have listened to you guys all along; I could have gotten along a little easier. But I was stupid, and angry, and I did more stupid and angry things because of it.
I love you guys, I really do. I wish I could have stayed, but I can't live like this any more.
Goodbye.
* * *
Rarity,
I know you've been worried about me. I'm sorry about that, I really am. I didn't mean to worry you.
I know it probably won't be much comfort that you won't have to worry about me again, but it's something, at least. I'm going to miss you so much, I can't even explain. I'm so sorry, and I don't want you to think I just did this suddenly.
I'm nothing, and I have been for a long time. It's only right that I actually be gone.
I know I should have left something for Mom and Dad, but -- I couldn't, sis. I just couldn't. I still feel so guilty about the last Hearth's Warming, and even this way, I just can't. Tell them I'm sorry I said I was a mistake. I'm not, but tell them it. I wish I was.
I love you. The best parts of my life were with you and the Crusaders, no matter what you thought, no matter what I said. And I know what I said up there; even here, with the last thing I'll ever say to you, I can't help but be bitter. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you so many times.
I didn't mean to get so bitter. I really didn't.
I knew it wasn't your fault that none of the doctors and none of the mages we went to could figure out what was wrong with me. I knew it then but I couldn't help but get mad and take it out on you.
I've hurt you, like I hurt Mom and Dad, like I hurt AB and Scoots. And it's never going to get better, sis. It's been too long.
I've been thinking about this off and on since Scoots got her cutie mark, but I always asked myself, 'What if my cutie mark comes tomorrow?'
And that worked for a long damn time.
But I asked myself that yesterday, after Celestia said there was nothing she could do, and now I don't think it'd help. If my cutie mark showed up tomorrow, it'd just remind me of what I'd been all those years -- nothing.
When I realized that, waiting around for it seemed pretty pointless. What was I going to do? Start a career in something that was supposed to be my destiny out of spite? A destiny you get when you're already supposed to be married and have kids? That's not a destiny. That's just a bad joke.
So I decided, last night, that this was it. You were off on a brunch date today, so I'd have time alone. I'd already prepared for it a few years back, just in case.
I know it isn't the prettiest scene to come home to, but I hopefully it wasn't too bad. The bathtub should contain the worst of what can stain, and the way I did it should have left me looking like I was sleeping, sorta.
I didn't want you to have to clean up after me one last time.
I know I did the right thing, because I can feel drifty now, sleepy, and I don't regret it. When even Celestia can't help you, there is no helping you.
Please, Rarity -- don't let yourself hide after this. Let your friends help you. I couldn't, and it was a mistake, and I can't fix it.
I love you.
Goodbye.
