Curse My Name

by Imperius

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 3595

A real villain takes it upon himself to show Nightmare Moon how evil is really done.

An evil overlord is banished from his world, his destination being Equestria's moon. There he encounters Nightmare Moon who he realizes is the worst villain he's ever met. When she reveals that her own banishment is nearly over and offers to take him with her, he decides that teaching her how to be a proper villain is a small price to pay for skipping a thousand years of isolation.

Also just a heads up, this is in 2nd person.

Cover picture drawn by Prince Mi Amore Rio and colored by Rat Chieften.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-19 08:00:03 UTC

It Could Be Worse

You’re not entirely sure where you are, but one thing you are sure of is that it’s a long way from home. And it’s more likely than not that you're going to be here for a long, long time. Whatever sorcery was used on you was some kind of generic, thousand year evil-be-gone nonsense. That’s what the prophecy said and that’s what usually happens to most villains anyways.

Pulling yourself up into a sitting position you find you can do little more than simply sit and look at the ground, a resigned sigh escaping you.

“So this is it,” you mutter to yourself. “After all this time it’s finally come, the moment of my defeat.”

The roaring of the crowd is still fresh in your ears, thousands, millions even, had come to see your public banishment, to watch as their heavensent hero put an end to ten thousand years of darkness and tyranny. The last sounds you heard of your home as you were sent away were the cheering of ten thousand voices, the hero’s declarations of peace, and your own booming laughter.

As you briefly scan the area you get a vague idea of your general location, that being a barren hunk of rock floating through space.

“Oh well, I suppose it could be worse,” you grumble. “at least there aren’t any ponies or anything. That would just be awful.”

You heave yourself to your feet, the clanking of your armor plates the only noise in this barren wasteland. Looking around to get a better feel for your location, you see only endless grey crags in every direction and you sigh in resignation. It’s going to be a long thousand years. But at least you’re not going to be dying anytime soon, which ought to stick in that little hero punk’s craw. Thank you ancient magical suit of armor.

Seeing no real alternative, you decide your first course of action should be to set out and see if this rock really is as barren as it looks. Picking a direction at random, you set off to find out.

All you can think about is that you’re finally free, no longer are you bound by the chains of fate. Prophecy no longer dictates your actions and, for once, at last your decisions are your own, your future is finally unwritten. How inconvenient that your freedom should only come when you can do nothing with it.

“Bah, details.” you say to yourself. “Surely there’s something to do here.”

Your ironshod feet thump across the ground kicking up small plumes of dust with each step, and as you continue on you begin to attempt to amuse yourself by stomping every few steps or so to see how much dust you can kick up. After the fourth or fifth time you realize what you’re doing and groan at what a sorry state you’re in. What a fool you must look to any outside observer, though a cursory glance at your surroundings reveals that you’re villainous image is safe for now as there’s not a soul to be seen.

But surely this place isn’t as barren as it looks, the fact that you can breathe lends some credence to the thought. Or perhaps that’s just one more facet of your magical armor seeing as you’ve never really tested it in a vacuum. Though soon it dawns on you that you don’t particularly care what the reasoning is and the question drops from your mind, thoughts of your recent defeat rushing in to fill the void.

Inescapable fate or not, you can’t help but feel a little irritated that the greatest threat to your everlasting empire of evil was a band of teenagers. It’s always teenagers. Even back when you were on the other end of the prophecy it was teenagers.

“Oh Black God below, they’re probably touching all of my stuff by now,” you sigh.

Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll find a kingdom or something to conquer to take your mind off it all. Yeah, that would be nice, just like the good old days when you were only starting out on the road of villainy.

Oh blasted nostalgia, you’re reminiscing again.

A slight shake of your head clears any remaining wistful thoughts of the good old days and sets you back on track.

“You! What are you doing on my moon?”

Though apparently fate has different ideas about what you should be doing with your time, but that’s fine by you. You whirl around to face the speaker, hopeful that perhaps there might be people to enslave on this apparently not-so-desolate rock. However what you see does not amuse you, not one bit.

“Well? The great Nightmare Moon has asked you a question! Do not try my patience!”

Spinning on your heel, you begin walking in the opposite direction of the talking horse. You’re too old to be dealing with this kind of crap.

“Hey!” comes a furious shout from behind.

The black pony flies up alongside you and matches your pace. “Was I not clear? I demand to know- pay attention when I’m talking to you!” she shouts, stomping a hoof in indignation.

Perhaps if you ignore it long enough it will simply go away.

“Come back here!” she yells, cantering after you.

Not today, talking horse.

“Do you even know who I am?” the horse-thing demands.

You get the weirdest feeling that you’re going to find out regardless of your desires.

“I am Nightmare Moon, Queen of the Night!”

You walk faster, prompting a growl from the so-called Nightmare Moon. Again she matches your pace.

“I demand to know how you came to be on my moon.” she says.

You maintain your silence, still clutching to the flagging hope that it will leave you alone eventually. It would really be a shame to stain your weapon with such a pathetic creature’s blood. A disservice to the mighty thing, really.

“Are you perhaps some manner of automaton?” the horse persists, craning forward to peer into your face.

She shrinks back slightly as she meets a pointed glare, the glowing lights of your eyes narrowed to crimson slits in aggravation.

“Hmm, not an automaton then.” she mutters, lapsing into silence for a moment. “What are you then? I’ve never seen anything like you before.”

Staunchly you maintain your silence, you want nothing at all to do with this wretched thing.

“Hmm, whatever you are you must be newly come to this place, for a thousand years I’ve been banished to this moon and never once have I seen anything similar to you.”

Wait, what? She’s been banished here too? Is this just the place all deposed tyrants are dumped when they’ve been done away with?

You make the mistake of slightly shifting your head in a manner that apparently constitutes something akin to curiosity. Unfortunately the gesture is not missed by the noisy creature and she jumps on the opportunity presented.

“Ah, have I caught your interest? Very well, I suppose I have time enough to tell you the tale.”

Once more the thought crosses your mind that this is going to be a long thousand years.

Meanwhile she wastes no time jumping into an obviously rehearsed and painfully long winded monologue about how she valiantly fought to free her homeland from her sister’s tyranny that you’re one hundred percent sure is a steaming load of crap.

It goes on for seemingly hours, and with no way to judge the time it may very well have been. She talks incessantly about herself and about the crimes perpetrated by her sister, but after a while it all becomes little more than white noise. The more she talks the more sure you become that she’s incredibly new to the whole evil business. She seems to subscribe to every stereotypical villain cliche that exists, it’s a rather painful thing to listen to if you were honest with yourself.

It’s really no wonder she was defeated, she must have picked up every single villain ball that rolled her way.

Fortunately, after what might very well be the fifth hour of her rant she seems to be winding down.

“And when I return the moon will rise and the night will last forever!” she finishes dramatically.

You tried. You really, really tried, but this is just too much even for you, you can’t remain silent a moment longer. That is the absolute last straw.

“That is the most terrible plan I have ever heard.” you grumble, finally breaking your silence.

“I... what?” she stammers, your remark catching her off guard.

“What of the tides, the seasons, or the crops?”

“And what concern of mine are any of those? Such trivial things are beneath me!” she declares, sticking her nose up.

“Only if you don’t mind ruling a kingdom of corpses. You’re not a necromancer are you?” you ask, eyeing her warily.

“Explain yourself!”

Are you really going to have to do this? Do you really have to outline why it’s a bad idea to turn off the sun?

“Eternal night, specifically your obsession with a stationary moon, means no more changing of tides. This would more likely than not wreak havoc on coastal settlements, and probably significantly affect the ecosystem, though I couldn’t tell you how, I’ve always been more about destroying things myself. And as for seasons, with no source of light or heat, say goodbye to everything but winter. I sure hope you love snow. And let’s not forget that plants need sunlight to live, which I thought was something even children knew. This would devastate crops and, considering you’re a horse, I’d say this wipes out your entire source of food. So congratulations, you’ve just killed everyone ever. Enjoy your kingdom. Though if you want my opinion you should just stay here and save yourself the effort, it would save everyone a lot of time and you get the same end result.”

Nightmare is speechless for a few moments, apparently she had never considered that her plan was anything but the pinnacle of villainous genius and your revelation left her a little lost for words.

That’s fine by you, the less she says the better.

“How dare you!” she finally manages.

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

“How could you even... of course I would plan for... I mean... you can’t talk to me like that!”

Smooth.

Once more she stomps a hoof like a petulant child. “I demand that you stop walking this instant!”

You don’t stop and she doesn’t follow. You don’t look back.

You’ve seen neither hide nor hair of the nightmare horse since you parted ways, and that’s just fine with you. There’s nothing that aggravates you more than bad villains, and she is without a doubt the worst villain you’ve ever encountered. And while normally being bad is good for a villain, this was the bad kind of bad, the kind of bad a villain shouldn’t be. You’re not talking evil bad, you’re talking incompetent bad, stupid bad, pants-on-head retarded bad. You’re honestly rather surprised she knew to wear her helm on her head.

But, you can’t help but think, were you not once there yourself? Were you so different all those millennia ago? When you yourself had strayed from that glorious golden path and taken the mantle of tyrant did you not simply do what came natural? What seemed like evil at the time?

Is that what you would have become if you hadn’t had access to such a wealth of villainous knowledge as you did? It’s far more likely than you would like to admit.

Perhaps with the same help you’d had she would have succeeded with her endeavors.

Your line of thought is brought to an end as a magnificent sight catches your eye. A planet crests the rim of the moon you’ve found yourself on in an odd, but no less marvelous parody of a sunrise. You take a long moment to stop and stare at the world, so very different from your own.

A deep, long forgotten part of you marvels at its beauty, its blues and greens and wispy whites such a stark contrast from your own home, a uniformed red eyesore blasted by a bitter and dying sun where what life exists hardy, but scraggly and inelegant and the seas have long since boiled away.

Another part of you wonders how long it will take to dominate. Nonsense aside, it sounded as if they had only barely managed to repel Nightmare Moon, you idly wonder how they might fare against a true villain. One who doesn’t fall prey to every exploitable villain cliche that exists.

Your blessed silence doesn’t last much longer, unfortunately, and is soon broken by the flapping of wings followed by the clopping of hooves against stone.

Deep down you knew this silence had been far too good to last. Having finally come to terms with the realisation that ignoring it will not make it go away, you decide the best course of action is to nip this in the bud.

“I swear on the bones of every tyrant who has come before me, if you speak another word to me of your blasted eternal night nonsense I will beat you to within an inch of your life.” you say before she has a chance to utter a word.

She’s silent for a moment and you briefly hope that she’ll simply fly away and leave you to your thoughts. Such hope is short lived.

“You are strong.” she says, her previous boastful manner conspicuously absent. “Your power fills the air, even at rest it radiates from you.”

“Did you come here just to flatter me? My empire spanned a world once, yours is just another voice amongst the chorus of conquered souls that sing my praises. Speak your intentions or leave me to my thoughts.”

She stands by your side and the two of you gaze for a while at the planet rising over the moon’s horizon.

“That used to be mine.” she says barely above a whisper. “I want it back.”

Almost of its own accord your arm raises and your hand reaches out to the distant world as though to snatch it from the void for yourself.

“I will escape this prison and bring ruination to it.” you say simply.

“You’re quite ambitious.” she remarks. “How do you intend to escape? I’ve been trying for nearly a thousand years.”

“I will find a way, there is nothing beyond my power.”

“Is there now?”

Nightmare hums for a moment and you can practically sense the gears turning in her head.

“Could you win me that world?” she asks after a moment.

“You have the audacity to ask me to hand you that world on a silver platter?” you ask her. “Because I can’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t just kill you and take it for myself.”

“Am I to understand that you’ve been banished here just as I have?” she inquires.

“I have.” you reply curtly.

You see a smile creep onto her face. “I can offer you freedom then.”

It’s difficult, but you manage to keep from showing the curiosity you feel. Lie or not this horse has your undivided attention.

“How can you free me if you cannot even free yourself?” you ask, being sure to disguise the inquiry in an appropriately mocking tone, hoping to goad her into revealing her hand.

It works perfectly.

“Because my own banishment is nearing its end, and for a price I will allow you to return with me.” she happily declares.

There’s no deception in her voice as far as you can tell, so your interest is most certainly piqued. If she’s telling the truth then this could be your ticket to a vastly reduced banishment.

“And what would be this price you demand of me?” you ask. “That world? I think not, I will not hand you an empire. I am no servant to be commanded.”

“Why? Surely you are powerful enough. Such a task would present no challenge at all for one as mighty as you.”

She’s not trying to flatter you here, merely stating a fact. She knows as well as you that if you truly desire that world then the only thing standing in your way is time. How boring it would be though if you were to simply take it.

“Because it is as you say, conquering this world is of no consequence to me. There is nothing that may possibly challenge me here, and thus any conquest would be cheapened by the lack of effort. However...”

An idea begins forming in your head as you consider this woeful excuse for a villain before you. A wonderful, terrible, truly malevolent idea.

“Such a pathetic villain you make, incompetent beyond all measure. I wonder if you might be a proper tyrant at all.”

Nightmare growls in irritation. “Is there a point to this?”

“Perhaps,” you muse. “But you are so incompetent that it would take nothing short of a mad genius to fix you. What a challenge that would pose.”

“What exactly are you getting at?” she demands.

Oh yes, what a wonderful idea. What a magnificent genius you are. This is precisely the challenge you’ve been searching for.

“I will not deliver you this world.” you declare at last after a brief moment of thought. “But instead I will teach you, mould you into the epitome of an evil overlord, and help you to take it for yourself. In return for my benevolence you will take me with you when your banishment ends. Is this agreeable?”

She growls again. “I do not desire a teacher! I desire an empire, my empire! Have you so quickly forgotten that I am your only way off this rock?”

“There is another way.”

“What way?” she demands, eyeing you skeptically.

You extend a hand and summon your weapon from the tesseract you store it within. With a brief shimmering a great shape materializes in your grasp, a colossal iron hammer of wrought iron rests within your outstretched hand, as long as you are tall, its head as large as your torso.

“I simply sunder this lifeless rock apart and ride the burning fragments into your world, then take over whatever lives through the impact.” you say, letting your hammer rest upon your shoulder.

Nightmare visibly pales. “You’re bluffing!” she exclaims. “There’s no way something like that is within your power to do!”

In response you merely shrug and lift your weapon high in preparation to strike. “Suit yourself then.”

The weapon strikes the ground with a loud thud, leaving a shallow crater in the sundered rock. The collision shakes the ground and you see Nightmare steady herself as the force from your blow throws her off balance.

You raise your weapon up and bring it down a second time in the same spot, cracks spiderwebing out from the impact point along the ground.

A third strike splits the ground, widening the cracks into small rents in the stone. A fourth strike turns them into gaping fissures. A fifth strike causes Nightmare to take to the air in fright as the ground crumbles beneath her.

You raise your weapon and prepare for a sixth strike, the crimson glow of your eyes intensifying while your mace begins to shimmer with power. It begins to fall with the finality of an executioner’s axe when a piercing shout cuts the air.

“Wait!”

You halt your blow mid swing and turn your head to regard Nightmare. “Had a change of heart have we?”

“Yes! Fine! I accept your terms! I will be your student, just please don’t destroy my moon!” she all but begs.

With an inward smile you allow your weapon to fall back against your shoulder again, pleased at the effectiveness of your bluff. Powerful beyond reckoning you may be, but you’re fairly certain destroying an entire moon is still somewhat beyond you. However the Doom Cannon in your fortress of evil is another story completely.

“Excellent.” is all you say.

At the same moment the both of you find your gazes drawn back to world hanging peacefully in the void, unaware of the predatory gazes currently fixed upon it.

“What is it called?” you ask as you stare.

“The world is called Earth, the kingdom... my kingdom is Equestria.”

Your only response is a noncommittal grunt. The name doesn’t exactly thrill you, but you suppose it could be worse. It could be called Ponyville or something. Now that would just be plain unbearable.

The two of you sit in silence while you muse over recent occurrences. In the span of a single day you’ve lost an empire and then found a new one, ripe for the taking. But more than that, you finally have a challenge.

With a fractional, barely noticeable shift of your head, you gaze at your new student. For all your power, for all your wisdom and age and raw magical might this is one challenge, the first in millennia in fact, that you are not totally sure of your ability to overcome. This is something you won’t be able to simply power your way through. It’s an almost thrilling prospect.

“You will do what I say when I say it.” you state, breaking the silence. “Heed my every order and you just might survive long enough to sit upon the throne of your world. Somehow I’ll make a villain out of you.”