Fanfic Jumper

by CuchulainSetanta

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure
Length: 1333

An ordinary man finds himself thrown out of his own reality and explores a host of universes based on MLP fanfics

I doubt anyone will ever get this message. Even if someone does, I seriously doubt anyone will actually be able to do anything about it. For the most part, I'm just venting here. I would love to be proven wrong, though.

My name is Mike Hassenfeld. Some time ago, I was an unexceptional man living an unexceptional life whose only worry was forcing myself out of bed in time to make it to work. One day, however, I opened the front door of my apartment and found myself in another universe.

I quickly discovered that I and my apartment had fallen through a crack in reality and have been thrust into a whole bunch of alternate versions of Equestria from My Little Pony.

Now, I bet I know what you're thinking. "Mike, what are you complaining about? That's like the majority of the stories on this site! What, are you going to meet the Mane 6 and discover the magic of friendship?"

I'm still holding out hope that that scenario will happen to me one day. Instead, I've been attacked by deranged killers, imprisoned by mad sorcerers, and been stranded in hostile wastelands. I've been attacked by Changelings, xenophobic ponies who want to forcibly turn me into one of them, comic-book supervillains, and insane cannibals. About the only thing keeping me from going insane (if I haven't already) is an alien amoeba who is serving as my roommate. Again, I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm not insane and living in a lunatic asylum.

It hasn't been all bad, though. I like to think I've done some good along the way. I know I've saved more than a few ponies' lives in my journeys, overthrown some tyrants, maybe even saved a couple worlds.

And I can't remember the last time I've had to sit through a car insurance commercial. That's got to count for something, right?

Published 2018-07-30 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-30 02:10:01 UTC

An Unexpected Journey

What do you think would be going through your mind if you knew you were about to die?

I've never really heard of the old trope of "your life flashing before your eyes" actually happening in real life. From what I've heard, a lot of people say that they think about their families and friends, their homes, stuff like that. And I'm sure there are at least a couple of people whose last thoughts were "OhmygodImgoingtodie, ohmygodImgoingtodie, ohmygodImgoingtodie."

Me, my thoughts as I was hurtling towards the ground at terminal velocity were something along the lines of, "Welp, now I'm never going to get to see what the sequel to Avengers: Infinity War was going to be like. That's disappointing."

I'm not sure if that would be anyone else's dying thoughts. What I am almost positive is unique to my situation is the fact that, as I was falling, I was holding a young, orange pegasus mare in my arms while a sky-blue pegasus mare was diving after me at close to the speed of sound.

Now, I bet a lot of you are thinking, "What are you worried about? You're not going to die. Rainbow Dash will catch you and Scootaloo in ten seconds flat, she'll fly you safely to the ground, you'll have cupcakes with Pinkie Pie, and you'll discover the magic of friendship. Yay, ponies!"

I envy your naivety. I truly do.

See, I'm really hoping that the impact kills us first. Because if Rainbow Dash catches us, and it's beginning to look like that's what's going to happen, death is going to come slowly and painfully.

A few minutes ago, I just escaped with Scootaloo from a factory where Dash was about to grind her into rainbows.

Yeah, it's that kind of shindig.

In case I've lost you, let me start at the beginning. My name is Mike Hassenfeld. If time still flows the same here as it did back home, I'm 28 years old. I was born in Arizona, I was still looking for a job before all this happened, and I hoped to become a film director. I like to think I had pretty much the same life as most people; living in a small, unexceptional apartment, buying groceries, seeing movies with friends. The day my life changed began like most days. I had put off getting out of bed as long as I could before forcing myself out of the comfortable bedsheets. I made myself some breakfast, having a cup of Mandarin oranges and a cereal bar with some milk. I took a shower and put on some casual clothes, expecting to have a nice, relaxing weekend. I opened the door to go check the apartment mailbox...

...and I saw a cloudbank just outside.

I blinked in confusion, taking stock of the situation. About half an hour had passed since I got up. It would have been rather unusual for a dream to have gone this way, especially considering I didn't normally dream about getting out of bed and having my normal routine before something strange happens. Just to make sure, I pinched myself. The slight, sharp pain in my arm alerted me to the fact that I was truly awake. Of course, that didn't rule out insanity.

Slowly closing my door, I looked around the front hallway. Everything appeared as it did yesterday. Walking back into the living room, I quickly surmised that the interior of my apartment was completely kosher. Nothing was out of place. The only thing that stood out was the view outside my balcony door. Clouds.

It wasn't fog, I could tell that. The air was clear, and I could see the blue sky on the horizon. The problem was there was no ground, no parking lot, no buildings. Just clouds. They looked a little more white than they usually did, but they appeared to be normal clouds. It was as if my apartment had been transported into a large cloudbank.

I jumped when I suddenly heard a loud scream. I grabbed my chest unconsciously as I felt my heart suddenly jolt inside me. I steadied myself, now knowing for sure that I was awake. When I was sure my heartrate had returned to normal, I ran back to the front door, where I thought the scream had come from. I opened it, and immediately saw something that hadn't been there the first time.

A bright yellow and green shape was laying on the ground outside.

I did a double-take as a realization came to me. The shape wasn't on the ground. That was impossible. There WAS no ground. The shape was laying on the clouds. LAYING. ON the clouds. I looked carefully to see if there wasn't some kind of rock or something that the object was on, jutting through the clouds or something. But no, as I looked closer, I saw the clouds under the shape were slightly depressed, as if it was cloth or something that the object was on.

A chill ran down my spine. Somehow, the object was laying on the clouds as if they were solid.

I was shaken out of my contemplations when the object suddenly moved. It appeared to be some kind of animal or something, trying to stand shakily on four legs. I realized that it was covered in bright yellow fur with dark green hair on the top of its head and in its tail. It appeared to be in pain, making noises like crying as it slowly attempted to move. Then I saw something that nearly stopped my heart again.

The animal had wings on the sides of its body. Four legs AND wings. Looking closer I came to a startling realization.

It was a pony. A living, breathing, pegasus pony from freaking My Little Pony was right there in front of me, about twenty feet from my front door.

I had already determined that I was awake. That could only mean I was insane.

"Faraday Spots. Clear, Fly, Fall, Complete."

I became aware of distant shouting from somewhere above. Looking up, I realized that, a little past the pegasus in front of me and far, far above the both of us was a large, off-white circle the size of a large building. I nearly hyper-ventilated. These weren't just clouds we were in. This was CloudsDALE. The arena, from the looks of it. Squinting, I managed to make out a group of what appeared to be ponies standing in a doorway about ninety feet above us.

One of the group suddenly broke away, flying out before suddenly swooping down towards us. I quickly closed the door most of the way, leaving only a crack for me to look out of. This was crazy. What the hell was I doing in Cloudsdale? What the hell was my APARTMENT doing in Cloudsdale? How did none of the ponies see it?

The second pegasus, a light brown young colt, by the look of it, fluttered to a stop by his companion. "What are you doing?" I heard the first, hurt pegasus say. I recognized that she was a mare by the sound of her voice. "You'll fail like me. You'll be exiled."

"I'd rather be exiled than live in a place that treats ponies like this," the male said.

Something clicked in my head. Exiled? What were they talking about? Then I realized. I had heard the other pony up with the others saying something like, "Clear, Fly, Fall, Complete." I recognized that phrase. Opening the door a little more, I looked back up at the group. If I was right in my assumption, I would hear five words any second now.

"Scootaloo. Clear, Fly, Fall, Complete."

My eyes widened as I saw a dark orange shape move to the front of the doorway. This wasn't just Cloudsdale. At least, not the one from the show.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," I whispered to myself.