Panzer Ponies

by ISKV

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6
Length: 6386

World of Tanks ponified in Equestria. That is not all.

Tiger (H) is a very sad tank. Mediocre armor, a low-damage gun, and somewhat prone to fires, he is sick of the endless noobs who think he is an unstoppable killing machine from all of those History Channel episodes of World War II and then blame the tank for not owning everything.

He needs a vacation from the World of Tanks.

Preferably somewhere without a cap circle and spawn locations. Maybe a city not ravaged by war. But when an insane light tank decides to "help" Tiger, he ends up in a world much unlike his own, in a body he is also unfamiliar with.

He has no idea where here is, nor does he know a way to return.

Oh well. At least he doesn't have to worry about gas.

Published 2013-06-30 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-02 02:06:56 UTC

42.0 Update, New Map - Canterlot

Tiger (H) fumed. If only T34 had pushed the left flank, they might've made it to the enemy base and capped their way to victory. But alas, the wallet warrior camped two squares in front of their own spawn when the front lines had reached all the way to the center ridge.

He looked at the little square that popped up in front of him. Three kills, two damaged, 5,042 profit in credits. Eight shots fired, six hits. Not bad considering the last ten games were suicide worthy.

The tank sighed. It had been fun for the first few months, but little by little his enthusiasm had been worn down by new tanks, noobs who have no idea how to play the game, and the absurd matchmaking. Artillery was also one of his many complaints, but to keep his sanity he refrained from thinking about them too much.

Regardless, it was break time. Starting his engine with a rumble, he slowly made his way out the open garage door and to the designated relaxation map.

***

Prokhorovka

"Because of physics update, you have large chance of drifting vhen going fast." T-50-2 lectured his younger brother, who looked somewhat excited at the prospect of drifting like they did in the movies. "Do not be happy, zis is very bad vhen turning to avoid large, chunky M6." T-50 snickered.

"Hey!" M6 yelled from across the field.

As Tiger (H) rumbled out of the southern spawn, he turned his turret, looking around for any tanks he could talk to. Maus was currently racing T95 with MS-1 and AMX-40 placing bets, M103 was flirting with the Centurion sisters, and B1 was shooting at IS-2's rear.

Needless to say, IS-2 did not appreciate being harassed like that, and soon unleashed a 122mm shell into B1's front, sending him flying backwards and making him land upside-down.

"Ello' Tiger!"

"Guten Abend TOG." The German heavy replied as the long, British trench crosser rumbled up from behind.

"So, 'ow's life?"

Tiger sighed. "It getting tiring. Too many ignorant players expecting too much of me! I vould razzer ave' competent players zan' fame. Curse zat fake cable TV for armchair generals!"

"Least you ave' fame!"

"Ja... Ja..." Tiger took aim at a rock hundreds of meters away. His accurate 88mm gun moved slowly enough that most wouldn't even be able to make out the movement. He fired, the shell flying out of his barrel and making the trip in the same amount of time it would take to blink. The rock exploded, fragments and gravel covering the immediate vicinity.

TOG whistled, impressed. "Niiice shot!"

"Danke." Tiger sighed, "Perhaps I should take a vacation..."

"Where to? I hear that Dragon Ridge is beautiful at this time of year." TOG aimed and fired his own 17-pounder shot towards the hill, not aiming at anything in particular.

"Hrm... Dragon Ridge is too mountainous..." Tiger took aim and fired again, this time knocking off a tree branch.

"Steppes then? Or maybe Malinovka?"

The sniper was silent, thinking of the best place for him to spend a little time away. But his mood grew a little somber as TOG continued to name places that made good vacationing spots.

"Himmelsdorf is... well its got nothing. It's the last place on anyone's list to go rest there. But if it's your thing..." The British tank rambled. "How long are you planning to go on holiday?"

The German was silent and his gun slowly depressed closer to the ground, sending a bad feeling into TOG's jacuzzi.

"Tiger... " TOG whispered, "You aren't thinking of quitting are you?"

At this, the German heavy tank's twelve cylinder engine went quiet. "I... I do not know. I am tired of these games."

TOG II tried, but couldn't understand his friend's feelings. "Well... what do I know. I was only added a few patches ago..."

As the two tanks sat in silence, behind them T-50 tried to ride M6 like a bull at the rodeo with the other tanks cheering him on.

"I hear," a voice hissed from behind, causing the two tank to jump, "that somvone vishes to escape this vorld?"

They turned their turrets and hulls to look at whoever was talking to them. Behind them sat the oddest looking tank they had ever seen. His turret was abnormally small compared to his hull, the very same on that his big brother Panther used.

"Aufklärungspanzer Panther."

"Af- Aufst- Flung- Sorry, but d'ya mind if I just call you Panther Jr.?" TOG asked, after he tried to pronunciation the light tank's name.

"There is no problem." he said in a psychotic voice.

"Alrighty then. Name's TOG II. But just TOG is fine. Did you just get added in the game?"

"Da. Along with a few of my brothers."

Ignoring the little tidbit of Russian that the supposedly German tank threw in, his first words suddenly resonated within Tiger's turret.

"Is zer truly a vey out of zis vorld?"

"Oui." Panther Jr. looked around if anyone was watching. "Meet me in Cliff below the lighthouse at midnight. And bring a fire extinguisher."

With that, the not-so-light light tank rocketed away, but not after running over poor A-20.

TOG tapped the side of Tiger's turret to get his attention. "You aren't going to take him seriously, are you?"

"I might."

***

Cliff

As Tiger looked down from the lighthouse on top of the hill, he secretly wished that they could fight battles at night. The ocean sparkled in the moonlight, revealing a beauty unseen during the day.

"Hey!" a voice whispered from below. Tiger tried to look down, but his gun depression did not allow it. Grumbling, he slowly made his way down to the cliffs below. Panther Jr. sat there, waiting for him.

"Zere we go. Have you brought ze extinguisher?" The heavy tank nodded, "Now ve can begin."

Before Tiger could ask Panther Jr. what he was doing, the light tank swiveled and elevated his Konisch gun that the Commander's Cupola on Tiger's turret was in his sights.

"ARGH! VAT IS-" The heavy tank reverted back to his native language, spouting curse after curse in the guttural tongue. He screamed again after Panther Jr. shot and killed his driver through his mediocre armor. "STOP SHOOTING ME!" His loader and gunner also perished quickly, leaving the lonely radioman.

"But- But I must!" Panther Jr. said, trying to squeeze the words between laughs.

"Vhy?!" Tiger screamed.

"Vell... zere must be no crew members alive vhen ze spell is activated. Or else you vill find yourselve with five other voices in your head."

"Va- Vhat spell?!" he trembled.

"Ze one zat will send you to who-knows-vhere!" Panther Jr. proclaimed happily. "But you cannot travel without living crewmembers... or undamaged modules." he added on quickly.

"Vait! Nein!" The light tank made quick work of Tiger's gun, tracks, radio, and viewfinders. But once he hit his engine, flames burst from inside, causing Tiger to scream in pain. His radioman jumped from his seat, wielding the red fire extinguisher, causing the inferno to suffocate under the white foam.

12 HP was all that was left of Tiger's once large pool of health. Battered and bruised, the sniper slowly turned his turret to point his damaged gun at Panther Jr., who only grinned in response.

"I... hate... you..." he sputtered.

"I know." Panther Jr. quickly drove up behind Tiger until his hull was right behind the large sniper. Engine revving, he pushed Tiger bit by bit until he was teetering off the edge of the cliff.

"Gott verdammt Panther!" His grin only grew bigger.

"Ah! Zere she is."

The light tank quickly moved out of the way, and the sniper slowly cranked his turret to see who had come up from behind. But the only thing he saw before he was blasted into the sea was the flash of a Soviet 203mm howitzer.

***

Canterlot Gardens

Nothing. Absolutely nothing could separate Princess Luna and her shot glass full of Moonshine. It had been much too long since she last had a drop of the heavenly crude spirit. In fact, she had been known to chug down entire bottles at a time, and for the first few months on the moon, she suffered in the withdrawal stage.

But now, the clear, high-proof alcohol sat just waiting for her to release it into her mouth and down her throat. She licked her lips, and using her navy blue magic gently floated the glass from the table and to her lips.

A loud splash turned her attention from her drink to the fountain behind her.

***

Canterlot Palace Medical Wing

Tiger had never felt so much pain in his life. His tracks were numb, his turret burned and throbbed, his optics were... aching?

He blinked. As a tank there was never any need to blink. Actually, when Tiger thought about it, tanks couldn't blink! He panicked, trying to move out of his predicament, when a voice suddenly called to him.

"Oh my dear!" exclaimed a gentle, motherly voice. "Please don't move! You need time to heal!"

Tiger ignored the voice, writhing and turning to escape. Everything was a blur, but the only thing he could confirm was that his gun depression was a lot more than it was yesterday. The voice kept pleading with him to calm down, and her smooth voice reminded him of Hotchkiss H35's. Maybe just this once... Tiger slowly lowered his head onto the soft, freshly laundered pillow.

The nurse sighed. This was probably the most unusual stallion she had ever seen. He was tall, not enough to compete with the princesses but very close. But the trend was that the taller the pony, the more fragile the body. This stallion was different. Muscles lay under the skin of his neck, his thick barrel, and all the way down to his powerful-looking legs. She did sincerely care for her patients, but this time, her pleading was due to the fact the she did not want to deal with this behemoth of a pony. His coat was a dull steel grey, and the small glimpse she saw of his eyes revealed them to be a jet black. Though she would wonder about it for ages, the mark on him was an odd, squarish cross in black.

***

Tiger groaned. He knew that bastard Panther was going to die horribly once he returned! Maybe he could convince T92 to spend some extra money for a premium shell to shoot into the light tank's rear when he wasn't looking.

"Good morning dearie!"

The gentle voice was back. Tiger opened his new eyes.

The ceiling was painted a pure white, and through his blurry vision he could make out the greenish curtains that fluttered in the slight breeze that blew in from the open window. The sun was high in the sky, either right before or right after noon.

He coughed, unused to the feeling of having a throat. A hoof patted his back, trying to ease his body. If his head wasn't throbbing, he might've panicked, but he decided that there were more important things to worry about.

"Vhere... Vhere am I?"

"You're in the Canterlot Palace Medical Wing." The nurse said, somewhat surprised at his accent. "You made quite the splash if the stories are true."

Tiger's mind blanked out for a moment. "I... I..."

"Yes?"

"I am supposed to be at ze bottom of ze ocean... Not in... Canterlot..." he said through his teeth, only repeating the name she spoke.

She paused, "You mean..." The nurse leaned closer, "you were..." her nose was almost touching his, "...disposed of?"

"Vhat?"

A blush reddened her cheeks. Though she would not admit it, Crime and Thriller books were her favorite. As a nurse she would sometimes find errors when examining a murder victim's corpse, but she enjoyed them nonetheless. She wondered whether she should cut down on the amount of books she read, especially if they were affecting her work.

Tiger blinked, the last of the blurriness leaving his eyes. The nurse was a light green mare, yellow eyes and matching mane and tail.

"N-Nothing." She messed around with the small table next to him, moving and adjusting the clock and vase to seem like she was busy. "Anyways, my name is Nurse Springfield." Her mark was a trio of flowers, matching her name.

"Guten Morgen nurse, my official designation is Panzerkampvagon VI Tiger Ausf. E, but Tiger (H) will do. Actually no, just Tiger."

"Well, nice to meet you Tiger! And I have to say, that is the longest name I have ever heard of!"

"My creators vere... meticulous... To say ze least."

"But what about the (H)? Does it stand for anything?"

"Ze (H) stands for Henschel, my manufacturer. It separates me from my tvin sister, Tiger (P). Her letter stands for Porsche." He puffed up his chest in pride. "And because my model was chosen for mass-production, I claimed the name Tiger as my own. She had to stick vith Porsche."

The nurse, ignoring the fact that he talked of his birth like he was a machine, gasped, "You have a sister?!" she said, excited.

"Ja... The year was 1942, and the first time I saw her, she vas half dead and overheating..."

***

Canterlot Palace Throne Room

Princess Celestia was bored. This wasn't politics, this wasn't even important! She seriously considered charging her attention by the minute, and doubling the fee every ten minutes.

Three hours. Sitting there. Listening. If he was a foal listing off everything he wanted for Hearths Warming Eve, she wouldn't have minded. But... taxes.

But after a grueling wait, he was finally done, and she dumped his entire effort into the consideration bucket, which was seriously overflowing at this point. The garbage pony came by the palace every day instead of every week for the rest of the nation.

Another suited stallion walked up, but before he could get a single word out of his mouth, a castle messenger ran up to the bored princess and whispered some words in her ear.

"Oh has he? Hm... Thank you." She paused in thought, "I shall meet with him in..." Celestia glanced at the watch that her assistant held up for her, "-three hours. Tell the guards to keep a close eye on him."

"Will do princess."

***

Canterlot Palace Medical Wing

Springfield sat in silence as his words got processed by her mind.

"So you were shot with a silver arrow by a small, insane stallion and was then blasted into the sea by a Soviet cannon from point blank range from behind and then you woke up here?"

"Ja."

"Huh."

They stared at each other, only the chirping of the birds and the groans of the other patients in the neighboring rooms breaking the quiet.

"Well!" Springfield said, "I think I need to return to my other duties. It's been nice! Though a little weird..." she mumbled, "Anyways, I need to tell you that you'll be under heavy guard while you're here."

"Vhat?"

"Well you caused a big uproar last night. And..." She leaned closer to him, "just between you and me, the guards don't like anypony who penetrates their defenses."

Tiger rolled his eyes and thought of the local idiots, "I share zeir feelings."

The nurse smiled, "I'm sure you do. I'd best be going." She waved, and Tiger returned the gesture.

***

He was a sniper. He assassinated enemy tanks from afar. And when he couldn't penetrate their thick armor, he just aimed at weakspots. He could lie behind a bush, ready to kill anything that appeared. Sometimes he held an entire flank by himself for the entire match. So why was he bored?!

The clock only ticked forward with engine-bursting frustration. After the nurse had left, he had noticed the guards who were standing by the door. Although they hid their emotions well, he could tell from the slight scowls on their faces that he was not popular among them.

But finally, at last, the princess that was still awake arrived to meet him personally.

***

As the Princess Celestia saluted, the guards on both sides of the door stood at attention and saluted. Tiger, was was taking a nap, woke with a jump at the clanging of the guard's armor.

"So you're the one that my sister has been cursing since last night."

"Ah. I have done many bad zings, but I do feel guilty about zat."

The Princess of the Day tilted her head, somewhat startled that he would admit to committing multiple wrongdoings. "What sort of... "Things?"

"Oh... Teamkilling, ramming friendlies, camping at base, so on and so forz."

"Killing." While her face did not change, he could see the rest of her body tense up.

"Ja. Keelling." He sensed a weakspot on the princess, and like any self-respecting tank, Tiger took advantage of it by grinned and narrowed his eyes at the princess. The other guards tensed and she tightened her lips even further.

Celestia calmed herself. Being enraged was her sister's job. "What is your name?"

"Panzerkampvagon VI Tiger Ausf. E." he answered, still grinning like a maniac, "But just Tiger is fine."

"Well mister Tiger," she said through clenched teeth, "what were you doing in the Castle Gardens? More specifically, in the fountain?"

"I vas teleported here by an insane light tank and his accomplice."

"Willingly?"

"Somevhat..."

Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Explai-"

Plastic and pills interrupted her as they clattered across the floor. Nurse Springfield groaned, but once she realized who was before her, she started to clean up the mess.

"Sorry! Sorry! That little bit sticking out always gets me!"

Celestia continued from her interruption, "Please, explain."

"Explain vhat?" Tiger asked in a retaliatory manner. The guards tensed even further at the lack of respect, but did not act.

"Everything. Why you are here. How you arrived. What you did in your world."

"Very vell..." He took a breath. Even Springfield listened in. Though she was the most knowledgeable about the mysterious stallion, even she had questions.

"I arrived vhen I vished to escape my vorld. Aufklärungspanzer Panther, do not attempt to pronounce his name, told me to meet him below the lighthouse in the map Cliff. He... then shot and killed my crew, and all of my modules."

"Modules?"

"I used to be a tank." He looked at their confused faces. "You know! Heavy armor! Big gun!" When their faces only showed more confusion, Tiger continued, not wanting to explain every little detail. "I vas once a machine of war, fighting vargames with my many brothers and sisters. We would split into two teams, each side fifteen strong, although sometime we would find ourselves fighting vith clones of ourselves, sometimes on ze same team, other times not. Ze objectives would be either to kill the enemy team, capture zeir base, or defend your own for a certain lengz of time."

"...So war is a game to you?" Surprisingly, it wasn't Princess Celestia who said that in a shaky voice, but instead, the nurse stared at Tiger with wide and wet eyes.

"Ja." He answered curtly. "And yes, I vould kill, and be killed, but at ze end of every match, ve vould all respawn in our garages for maintenance and credit counting."

***

The guards outside the door twitched their ears, trying to hear the conversation between their mysterious guest and the princess, but when Celestia had exited the door, her teeth were clenched and her mouth showed a rare frown.

She closed her eyes and issued her orders.

"This stallion is to be heavily guarded with no less than a company of guards on active watch with a full battalion on standby. Next to Discord, he is now the most dangerous being in Canterlot." At this, the guard's eyes grew wide with fear, not from the possible threat from Tiger, but her tone.

"Ack- Acknowledged... Your Majesty."

Eyes still closed, she opened her mouth to give the order to throw him in the dungeons, but retracted her words when she remembered that while he was dangerous, she was not cruel enough to allow an injured pony to suffer in the subnormal conditions of the cells deep underground.

Oh, if only she knew what he was capable of, she would've called up the elements and had him stoned on the spot.

Author's Note

Oh dear god what have I done...

I just can't read the entire chapter without laughing. It's just too ridiculous!

Anyways, another one of my many stories that had been sitting around my folder for a while now. The second chapter is also half-written, so it should be out fairly quickly.

Just goes to show how a crossover of anything can be made.

Imagine the tanks to be like the ones in the World of Tanks cartoons made by this guy.

The Platoon

Malinovka

Aufklärungspanzer Panther laughed like a maniac. Behind him, a very angry Tiger (P) fired shot after shot in anger, each one whizzing above his head or impacting the very location he had just been in. The middle field was covered in craters, each blackening the area around the blown-out hole.

"VHAT! HAV! YOU! DONE! VIZ! TIGER?!

All of the tanks were here, including the remainder of the German tech tree. They all stared at the two tanks chasing each other from the top of the hill. Panzer III raised an eyebrow in confusion while E-75 laughed til his engine started to smoke. The American tier six medium twins rolled down through the forest to try and calm her down before she was fined for teamkilling.

"HE VISHED FOR ANOZZER' LIFE!" He returned fire, a thin spike of metal bouncing off of Tiger (P)'s thick frontal armor. "SO I GAVE IT TO HIM!"

As she raged like a noob, Easy Eight came up alongside her and tried to reason with the enraged heavy tank.

"Porsche! Will you please calm down?" her light and twittery voice a complete reversal of Panther Jr.'s rough and dry voice. "I know how you're feeling angry that you brother has disappeared, but getting revenge won't get him back!"

"NEIN!" Porsche agreed, "BUT I VILL ENJOY IT!" Yelling the last word, she fired her last HE shell. Time slowed as the metal slug flew through the air, where the gods of RNG blessed the 8.8cm shell with unmatched luck. Panther Jr.'s engine exploded into flame as the one-in-a-million shot did it's full damage to the light tank. He tumbled, turret over tracks, where a few seconds later he ended up in the lake to the south, where he exploded on the spot.

Porsche slowed to a halt, her twin engines rumbling sadly as she thought of her brother and rival. The remains of Panther Jr. could be seen just under the surface of the water as bubbles rose and popped.

"Well..." The medium tank sighed, "I can see why you did it. But really Porsche! You can't kill whenever you want to!"

"I... I know..." Porsche sadly sighed as Panther Jr. respawned in the base spawn. "And I apologize. I vill listen next time." she ended with a whisper.

"Oh it's okay." Easy Eight assured her, putting on a smile for effect. The heavy tank returned the gesture, though they both knew the chances of Tiger returning intact were slim to none. But as the remaining tier seven heavies ganged up on Panther Jr. for taking away one of their kin, Porsche restarted her engines and slowly made her way up to the spawn circle, but not after the light tank had died two more times.

"Stoppen!" she called. The shooting stopped immediately. Most of her brothers and sisters stared at her in anger, but anger soon turned into confusion as she trundled towards the range target.

Porsche rolled up to the coughing and battered light tank.

"Aufklärungspanzer Panther!" She took a deep breath. "How did you send my tvin away?"

"Vhy do you vant to know?" Panther Jr. asked, though he and the others already knew the answer.

"Porsche, don't do it!" Easy Eight called from behind her.

"Because I vish to follow."

***

Canterlot Palace Medical Wing

"Rise and shine dearie!" Nurse Springfield cheerfully called as she flung the green curtains from their place, sending in a blinding ray of light straight into Tiger's eyes like an artillery shell before the 8.6 patch. He tossed and turned in his bed before throwing off the blankets.

"Guh..." he groaned. "Mein turret ring-"

"Neck, dear." Springfield corrected him.

"Ja. Neck..." Tiger repeated the word under his breath to memorize it. "Neck..."

He stretched out his limbs, waking up his sleepy muscles for yet another day of shooting, sniping, and making all of the noobs cry. He relaxed his transmission in preparation for starting the engine... til he remembered that he had no engine.

Tiger sighed, this new body was vastly different than his old one, which required much less maintenance but was a lot more messy. He and the nurse both agreed to never mention the somewhat embarrassing crash course on the biological pony body.

As the nurse went out to complete her usual duties with patients in the other rooms, Tiger experimentally slid out of bed and turned so that his rear stuck out. Then, lowering his rear hooves onto the tile floor, he pulled his front legs away from the bed. The stallion steadied himself, feeling his new tracks and how smooth moving with his old ones had been compared to hooves. Taking an experimental step forwards, he wobbled like a newborn, which would've been a better description had he been shorter than the guards that stood outside his door.

They didn't know what to think. One half of their brains wanted to laugh at the massive stallion taking his first steps. The other half cautioned against laughing at the massive stallion that could probably crush their helmets like tinfoil around their bodies and cook them into hotdogs to sell to the griffons.

The guard tried hard not to laugh at his partner's accusations, but failed to contain a few snickers.

The trip from the bed to the door and back again took a whopping five minutes, not including the time he took when he stumbled and fell. Tiger was just getting up from his latest fall when Nurse Springfield returned with a food cart that only had a single tray of food remaining.

"Breakfast!" she called out in a singsong voice. The nurse wheeled the cart into the room, leaving it beside the bed before helping him up from the floor.

"Gah. I miss mien treads..."

"Oh I know..." Springfield agreed, "I use to have a set of horseshoes that was absolutely perfect, but they wore out so fast because I had them on everywhere!"

"Ja... Ja..." Tiger grunted as he climbed into bed. The nurse pulled out the tray with the standard meal for all patients and placed it in front of him. He eyed what looked like gelled gasoline with suspicion, but did not say anything.

"Now, as a biological life-form, you're required to consume the correct amount of the correct substances or else your body will not be one hundred percent operational!" She said a little too cheerfully. Tiger raised an eyebrow at her. "As we discussed yesterday, food is vital and meal sized portions should be consumed two to three times every day based on preference and the amount of physical activity. Small snacks between meals are also allowed if you're feeling a bit peckish. Any questions?"

"Ja. Ein, er, one." he replied.

"Yes?"

"How do I eat ze food?"

***

Canterlot Palace Throne Room

With weary eyes and worn-out quill, Princess Celestia filled out yet another sheet that would only contribute to the bureaucratic red tape. Many ponies had come and gone, some more memorable than others, most notably a foal who wished to give her a hug because "Momma said you needed one."

That put her in a good mood.

"Good afternoon sister." A somewhat sleepy Luna groaned as she entered.

Celestia glanced at the clock on the wall. "Oh! It's already that late?" She began shuffling the remaining papers into neat piles. Her assistant, also just as tired, quickly sorted them into their designated files. "Quill Tip, have I forgotten anything?"

"Ah..." the unicorn quickly scanned her papers. "Everything essential has been completed for today."

"Anything else?"

"The nobles want another tax cut, the farmers are requesting more rain, and the captain is asking why the hospital wing is more heavily guarded than your private quarters."

"Sister, is this about the stallion we-"

"I, Luna." Celestia corrected.

"I, discovered yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I, shall pay him a visit..." Luna mused.

Celestia frowned. "If you want to. But please, make sure he does not escape."

"Escape?" the Lunar Princess asked, "What has he done?"

"He admitted, without me even asking, to killing."

The room went silent.

"Who?"

"It's... complicated."

"Please, explain."

And so, Princess Celestia began explaining, to the best of her abilities, the story of the pony who was once a tank in an internet game who ended up in her world.

The room stayed silent.

"We... I... shall speak with him."

***

Nurse Springfield was finally on break. Though she was labeled as a 'loner' or 'the quiet one' she was perfectly capable of socialization. But everyone needed breaks, and she was no different. Usually she would eat her lunch under a tree and continue reading a book. But today...

"Hello Tiger!" she cheerfully called as she trotted inside his room with her lunch and a book in her saddlebags.

"Gutteg nug," he mumbled with his mouth full with his own food.

Springfield giggled, "I hope you don't mind me while I eat my own lunch. Usually I'm outside, but..." She stopped for air. "I thought maybe you would need someone to talk to." The nurse said, remembering her early childhood.

The tank-turned-pony chewed while he reminisced about his own past. Though he was a sniper, it was very rare that he found himself sitting in a location alone.

"Nein. I can go vithout company for qvite some time. Though ze thought of doing so is maddening." And somewhat frightening, considering that all tanks have a vulnerable rear flank.

"Well," she admitted as the nurse sat down, "if that's your thing." She pulled off her hat an placed it on the bedside table, making the break official. Hats are serious business.

The brown paper bag rustled as Springfield pulled out a greasy sandwich that all of her friends claimed would destroy her youthful and shapely figure. Not that she cared. Stuffing the bread and melted cheese creation in her mouth, the nurse pulled out her book from the other side of her bags.

Tiger, who was eying a drop of cheese about to fall, had his attention immediately drawn to the cover.

"Vhat book is zat?" he asked.

"Huurg?" Springfield looked up, not able to answer. She placed the book on the table beside the bed and took a large bite of her lunch, gooey strings of cheese running from her mouth to the rest of her sandwich.

"Starship... Troopers..." He mumbled while looking at the stallion on the cover who was completely covering in thick blue armor except for his helmet, which was being lowered onto his head.

The nurse quickly chewed. "It's about..." she swallowed. "Basically it's about a war with an alien bug race. I haven't gotten too far in." She gulped down the rest of her mouthful. "I just found it in the bookstore. It isn't what I would usually read. Usually it's Fetlock Holmes, or the Lord of Joke series, but I have to admit this new 'Sci-Fi' thing is very interesting!"

If you listened very carefully, you could hear a hundred and one jocks all yelling, "Neeeeeeeeeerd!"

But for the sake of friendliness, Tiger listened as the Springfield went on and on.

***

Cliff

"Is zis' it?" Porsche said is disappointment as she looked on the small group of tanks that had volunteered to come on her quest to find her brother.

"Well, z'ere v'ere quite a few more-"

"But they realized zat Tiger is a mediocre machine zat people will free-xp past!" The ever-annoying Can't-be-arsed-to-spell-his-first-name Panther interrupted. Hotchkiss rolled her eyes in amusement. It took a lot of effort to truly anger the light tank.

He was still shot in the ass for that.

"Vell then!" Porsche said in an upbeat voice, "One last roll-call! Who iz coming?"

"Oui." Hotchkiss and her twin sister, Pz.Kpfw. 38H 735 (f) said in unison.

"Hoorah! We're going in' head first like Normandy!" M22 Locust yelled with unnecessary vigor. He revved his engine for extra kicks.

"Oh will you please shut it about Normandy!" A quick, snappy voice whipped his own speech. "I swear, there are so many movies and video games about that one event that it seems that that is the only thing worth remembering!"

"Aw Val!" Locust quickly drove next to the British Infantry tank, cuddling up to her as if he was comforting her, when in fact it was the exact opposite. "Hush, hush. The bad Nazis can't hurt you anymore." For added measure, he playfully glared at Porsche, who only glared back.

Valentine looked ready to explode, at this the other tanks slowly backed off, knowing her signature temper. The heavy tank rolled her eyes. Though they had been allies, sometimes the Americans and the British had a rivalry that rivaled the rivalry between the Axis and the Allies. Although the rivalry between the Soviets and the Americans was even more serious business that actually lasted until decades later. Porsche stopped there. There were too many rivalries, sometimes between tanks of the same country-

She quickly stopped thinking about rivalries.

...Gottverdammt.

"Am... am I late?" A quiet voice called from one of the bushes. Said bush was flattened by a short, grey tank with her signature stout turret.

Porsche sighed. "Nein, Frau Somua. Zey are just," she glanced at the two, "talking." she said, teeth clenched.

"Ah. Bon." Pz.Kpfw. S35 739 whispered as she trundled next to her much larger friend.

This went on for quite a while. Valentine screamed, as Locust only snickered, which only made the British tank even more furious. She tried chasing him, but unfortunately for her, he was very good at his job. Locust's treads left marks on the dirt around Valentine as she seriously considered just killing him while he was in range.

But eventually, Panther Jr. returned.

"May I hav' your attention please!"

Silence.

"'Zank you. Nowh, for ze spell to be executed successfully, I vill need to do ze following..."

In a calm, and clear voice, Panther Jr. started explaining what he was going to do.

Just kidding. He started shooting. The first shot went head-first into Locust, killing all of his crew, destroying three of his modules, and set his engine on fire just to kick him a little bit more.

"Gah!" Porsche grunted in pain as her most of her crew and modules was blown to pieces. Almost all of her HP was also eaten away be the direct hit. She limped towards cover and peeked behind.

Far, far away, S-51 took aim and fired. She smirked, knowing that Panther Jr. was the one paying for all of the ammunition. She fired again.

Close, close enough to smell, Porsche started panicking as her tracks were blown off a second time. As she watched the timer slowly count down til her only means of propulsion was fixed, the heavy tank revved her engine, ready to move the second she could.

The French twins screamed as a storm of lead peppered them from the side.

"Muehehehehehehe!" A grey blur shot past, the only indicator he was ever there were the tracks he ripped into the dirt. They backed up against each other, one grey tank and the other cyan-green, both too frightened to scream.

Another burst of bullets killed both crew members of both tanks. Stranded and now not able to retaliate, Panzer I C slowed down to take more accurate shots.

"Yes, yes, stay still for me!" He took aim at the silently pleading tanks, and fired.

"Non." Somua whispered firmly, bringing herself in front of Hotchkiss and 735, her armor just barely thick enough to bounce the storm of lead. She winced, a few had gotten lucky.

"That will not be necessary." Valentine also moved forward in front the twins. They stood fast, protecting their smaller sisters from the hyperactive light tank.

Porsche silently cheered. With her tracks back up, she accelerated to the best of her ability. Another shot rocked her hull, but did nothing.

She forced every last bit of power from her engine. But as she reached the final stretch before the town, S-51 fired a shell.

It exploded. Dirt and small rocks covered the heavy tank, temporarily blinding her. But at full speed, a single second of a lapse in attention was just enough.

Porsche screamed as she plummeted into the sea.

Armor scratched and tracks blown off, Somua stood firm against Panzer I C's onslaught. She tried firing back, but he was simply too agile for her gun. The French Medium tank did not smirk in victory, nor did she lose hope, only showing a frown of determination.

Hotchkiss and her twin looked hopeful. With a little luck, they would be able to find a First-Aid kit and at least limp out of the map.

But their hopes were dashed with a cry of pain.

Valentine gasped at the large hole in her partner's side and smoking engine. Far off into the distance, she could make out the silhouette of the forgotten Panther Jr.

The British tank sighed and closed her eyes. A whistle. And a flash was the last she saw.

Author's Note

Batchat insane indeed.

Panzerkampfwagen S35 739 (f) was manufactured by SOMUA, a French Company during The Second World War.

There's a reason I'm sticking with the lower tiers. Mostly because early tanks have something later tanks don't have. Character.

Yeah, this is going to be fun.