Razzle Dazzle jolted awake. She tossed the blankets and pillows into the corner because she needed as much space as possible. She stared into her mirror. Why can’t I just dream of things that are happening now? She asked herself sadly. Her dim gray mane was a mess. She pulled out a brush to pull through her silvery coat and another for her wavy mane. She brushed her coat and hummed a little.
“Get along little pony,” she sung to herself.
“Dazzle!” Snake Oil barked from outside. “Hurry up. You’ve gotta hurry. Don’t make me come in there again!”
“Yeah!” Razzle Dazzle shot back. She shook her head as if to shake the song out. She brushed her mane hurriedly. She was lifted her outfit out of her chest. Her silvery mist carried it over to her. She draped its parts from the various hooks long her mirror.
“Dazzle!” He called again. “Get out here! We still have to put the tent up!” She checked herself in the mirror and then trotted out onto the green field. The red tent hung over the main pole, pulled out in several corners by various ponies. The tent hung down like a mother’s dress on her little girl. Several stallions, Connor among them, were pulling out the ropes to fill it out. His wings flared out behind him as he pulled the rope taut with his mouth. Razz ran over to him, pulling a peg out of the tools with her magic.
“Morning Pops! Need some help?” She asked, smiling wide. He glared at her. She shrugged. “If that’s how you feel.” She trotted off to one of the other inner ropes, where a young powder blue stallion strained against the rope.
“Need some help?” she asked. He nodded furiously. The yellow rope popped out of his mouth as her silvery magic pulled it out and she staked it down.
“Hey, didn’t have to do it like that!” He said. She shrugged.
“Made it easier didn’t it?” She asked. He frowned at her. Razz looked around. It looked like the main ropes were staked. The stallion stomped off to one of the outer ropes.
“Almost there! Just a few more of the outer ropes!” Snake Oil shouted. He was dressed in a red tailcoat and wearing a candy apple red top hat with a black ribbon. Everyone else was getting the outer ropes and Razz saw no need for her help. She took in a deep breath. The bright blue sky was mostly clear, with a few white clouds, probably some local Pegasai either being lazy or decorative. Mom would get when Blue would do stuff like that, Razz thought. She lowered her head into the grass.
“Almost, Dazzle! Back on your hooves!” Snake Oil called. She pulled herself up and trotted over to the rope next to Connor and continued away from the tent, the rope pulling out behind her, firmly in the grip of her silver aura. She stopped and looked at the taut rope. That’s good, she decided, and she lowered the small rope. She stuck the wooden peg into the ground and stomped on it.
“Atta girl, Razz,” Connor said, nodding slightly. “No need to bother with the hammers.”
“And I didn’t believe you.” She smiled at him. He frowned. Behind them the Juggling Twins stood perched on their rainbow balls, their cream colored wings spread out for balance. Several stage ponies carried stacks of buckets to the concession wagons.
“I’m more than a bunch of flying tricks, Razz.” He shook his head and his midnight blue mane. “But tricks are all people ever get out of me,” he sighed. She sidled up to him.
“I know, Pops. I know,” She said. She nuzzled him.
“Well done everyone!” Snake Oil’s booming voice interrupted. “Now get ready for the show. Juggling Twins, I’d like you to find some time to practice before going on stage! You’ll be first as usual. Everyone else, no dawdling. I want an excellent show today!” At the sound of their name, the young twins toppled off their balls and an older Pegasus mare swooped in to check on them.
“Are you feeling good enough for today?” Connor asked as soon as Snake Oil was quiet. He turned to look at her. Snake Oil trotted off, probably to set up the ticket booth as usual. A wilted daisy lay by her hoof. It was a brighter blue once, Razz thought. Lilyvale was full of them.
“Yeah. Are you feeling up to your act?” She replied, looking at his face. His composed and neutral face, as always, told her nothing.
“Of course. This old Contortionist’s as flexible as ever.” He looked at her and smiled. He bent his hoof back to demonstrate. “You look after yourself. You know your performance hinges on your wellness.”
“Yeah, Pops. I know.” She kicked at the dirt. The sizzle of the concession fryers hissed in the background. She could faintly smell the pastries.
“Don’t push yourself. Keep positive and keep focused,” Connor told him.
She cantered back over to her coach. It was a tight fit, but it was home.
She went back to brushing her mane. Her outfit hung draped from the various hooks along her mirror. She slipped her translucent white stockings over her rear legs. She reached back and pulled each one up with her mouth. She pulled on the front pair over her silvery legs. She pulled down her black vest, shoved herself into it, and stepped into her cerulean shoes. She slipped into her long dark blue skirt, and checked herself in the mirror, brushed a few more times and sighed. Only the grey of her face and mane was visible. She put her brushes away. She shut her eyes.
Lilyvale was full of blue daisies like that, Razz thought.
Razz shook her head. Gotta practice before the show. I want… Images of green fields speckled with blue daisies and lilies slipped through her mind. What do I want? A rose for the show, she thought, conjuring up and focusing on the image. I want a rose. Red as the tent flaps.
Blue loved those daisies.
A single rose, straight stemmed, no thorns. I want a bed- No. A rose. She opened her eyes. Floating a few inches in front of her were two red roses emerging from a single stem. They were shrouded in the silvery shimmer of her magic. One was red and the other was violet.
“Not again!” She muttered, “I’ve got to focus.” The roses whirled together, a blur of purple and green for a moment, dissolving and reformed into two separate roses. Much better, she thought, but I still only wanted one. They dissipated and Razz turned to look back into the mirror. Gotta focus, she thought.
“Razz,” Connor called, “Oily wants you go on before me. Are you ready?” She trotted out the door.
“Yes, how long?” She glanced over at him. He was watching her and he was panting.
“Few minutes. Best be ready to go out there now.” He turned and galloped toward the tent. She followed him at a much more leisurely pace, trotting past and taking a look at several blue daisy clusters. Best use daisies in the show, she thought. Blue used to wear them in her hair. There was a large patch of lavender a few feet away from the tent. She bent down and took a deep breath. Mom loved lavender .Probably still does.
“Razzle Dazzle!” Roared Snake Oil, “We haven’t got time to nibble at flowers! We’ve got to get this show going! I swear, if I have to get you blinders I will!” She drew up to the flap in the tent. “Get out there!” He nudged her, spurring her on through the flap.
There was a spectacular array of lights shining down on the ring. Rising up around her on the far half of the circle were the five tiered seats. The first three rows were packed tight with a perfect pallet of ponies. The twins were out in front already balanced precariously on their rainbow balls juggling with their wings. Balls and trinkets of red, pink, green, and blue flew up in a blur, paused, and fell with a blur. The fillies and foals in the first few rows were cheering and stomping, their faces alight. Snake Oil hopped up onto the platform in the center of the ring.
“Can we get a few hooves for the Twins?” The clatter of hooves banged around the tent. Cheers bounced about. “The Twins, Fillies and Gentlecolts!” The Twins bowed, catching the bright balls in their basketed wings. The Twins rolled out of the ring balanced precariously on their balls.
“Pay special attention to our next act, everypony, for she’s rather singular! Come on up and present yourself, girl.” She trotted toward the platform. Time for the show, she told herself.
“She’s an illustrator of illusions! A magician of images! A spinner of spectacles! A fabricator of phantasmagorian fantasies!” She circled the stand where Snake Oil stood introducing her. She raised up the forms of daisies as she walked. “A mistress of the imagination,” She pulled herself up onto the platform. “Fillies and Gentlecolts, please give a hearty welcome to our very special Razzle Dazzle!” Razz bowed to the thundering audience. Snake Oil stepped off the platform as she took up her spot. She drew herself up.
The crowd stared down at her from the stands, expectant. The show had begun. Razz bowed to the thundering audience, letting off a few flashes and fireworks.
“Watch closely, everypony,” she announced.
Her silvery mist billowed about her to float heavy around the floor of the dusty ring. The first two rows were filled with bright eyed fillies and colts peering intently into the ring. She smiled. Out of the mist, she raised several paper birds which flew about the fillies and colts, who cheered and giggled in glee and awe. The older audience rolled their eyes.
She sent a bird up near them, a resplendent ruby and sapphire beauty. It fluttered about them until she sent an orange and yellow dragon swooping to swallow it. They recoiled in surprise. The fillies didn’t see it.
There was a young mare amongst the fillies, with a blue daisy in her mane.
The dragon swooped across the arena, and looped. The paper birds had disappeared, and the dragon caught the fillies’ and colts’ attention. They watched with their mouths open. The dragon soared and swung high about the upper parts of the tent, firing colorful fireworks from his mouth.
“Is there anyone brave enough to challenge the dragon?” She asked the audience. The fillies and colts leaned forward. A few looked up at the older ponies, perhaps expecting one of their parents to step up. Several stallions sneered.
“Fear not, everypony!” Razz said. She made only two pegasai on accident. The two blue pegasai wove around the dragon, evading it and never quite hitting it. They swirled about it so fast at times that the dragon turned blue every few moments. The dragon now flew toward the audience. The pegasai floated about him like flies. The pegasai then diverged forty five degrees from the dragon. They morphed into banners that draped themselves along the pegasais’ trajectory. The audience gasped.
“All is not lost, Fillies and Gentlecolts!” Razzle Dazzle cried. The dragon shot a gust of breath past the audience and looped away. Razz had shut her eyes to everything but her show. The audience oohed and ahhed at the dragon’s sparking antics. The mare’s head followed the flight of the dragon, turning as the dragon’s slipstream shook the ribbons and stole her attention. The dragon shot several more colorful fireworks from his mouth as he soared around the crowd. He somersaulted and came straight for the audience. Many of the ponies dove behind their seats. Several ponies were screaming. Others were frozen. The dragon exploded a few inches from the audience, showering them with sparkles and petals.
“Behold!” Razzle Dazzle bellowed.
The mare had covered her face with her hooves. She was probably whimpering as well. Blue was upset easily.
The bird emerged from the glittering haze. The audience was flabbergasted. Razz pulled some of the glittery mist together into a half dozen roses. The bird soared around the audience. Several fillies reached out to pet it. The bird settled on the mare and spread out its wings.
Razz tossed the roses out to the audience. The fillies and colts were admiring the bird, along with several mares and stallions. She was smiling to all of them. Several mares, mostly young, leapt for the roses. The roses disappeared as soon as the mares touched them.
She made flowers appear all over the riser and butterflies frequent the flowers all over the tent. These stayed.
“Such a pretty bird isn’t it?” Razz asked the audience. Most of the audience cheered. She smiled. The bird took flight, its tail and wings displaying their full glittering majesty as it flew back to Razz.
Almost done. She thought. Thank heavens nothing’s happened. She ignored the butterfly that floated past her, which had a thin red ribbony tongue rather than a black proboscis.
And now for the final trick to surprise them all, she thought. The bird faded as it neared her, until it disappeared. The audience let out a collective sigh.
Wings, pointier horn, Razz thought, and a better fate. She frowned, squeezed her eyes tighter, and hid herself in a lustrious flash. They would see her emerge an Alicorn! She heard her audience gasp. Wait, they aren’t supposed to be scared, she thought. She opened her eyes in panic, stepping forward to the edge of her platform. Play it cool.
Razzle Dazzle cried out, “No pony can outdo my tricks!” She turned, pointed her horn high, and hopped off the platform, her wings making a low buzz. She glided to the ground, setting off several fireworks as she landed. She sauntered past Oily, who looked rather flustered, and he gave her a wide eyed parting glance.
What’s gotten him? She wondered as she strode out of the tent. She heard Oily ‘s voice echo around the tent. I wonder how long I can keep this illusion up? She wondered.
The lawn was empty, no one had come to get a glance at her finale or greet her as she returned to her wagon. Where’s Pops? She worried. He’s always here. I must’ve screwed something up.
She dashed off to her wagon and leapt in front of the mirror. And she stared.
She had made herself into a muddy gray changeling. She just stood there.
We don’t like liars. We are an honest town and we have little to do with your trickery.
She gritted her teeth and shut her eyes. Go away! She thought. I don’t want to remember! She opened her eyes again. She was still the same muddy gray. Still a changeling. She slipped out of her costume and put it away. She began trotting around in a tight circle, head down and eyes closed. I don’t want to be a changeling. I’m a unicorn! She remembered her mother’s frown.
“I’m not a liar!” She repeated to herself. “Not a liar!” A parade of mares and stallions to witness. Her mother’s rage. The scattered petals. An illusion. A lie.
“We are better than these tricks,” her mother always told her. Razz’s hooves clattered against the floor. What do I do? She stopped, squeezed her eyes shut. She took a deep breath.
I’ve got to calm down. She took in a deep breath and let it out. She imagined green fields and blue flowers. It’s just me. A giggling filly chasing a bird, chasing the bird she made. She tried again, and opened her eyes. Pupils. No buzzing and no wings. Yes, she thought and sighed. It worked. Just got to keep calm. She smiled and wobbled slightly. She wiped her eye with her hoof.
There came a loud banging on the door. "Are you all right?" wheezed Connor. She dragged herself to the door and let him in. He was panting, mouth agape. His eyes were shiny.
"How are you?" He asked again in a single breath.
"Better," she said, dropping down onto her haunches. She looked at the floorboards.
"What happened?" He asked. She saw his hoof out of the corner of her eye.
"I lost focus, I guess. It's all fixed." She replied. She shifted her weight.
"Tell me what you were thinking. What upset you? Please, look at me and tell me Razz." His voice had become soft like a bed of flowers or a cloud even though it came out between gusts of breath. There was a wood knot near his hoof. He smelled like hay.
"I was just tired. That's all." She told him.
"That's not all and you know it. Razz, please tell me, you know I'm here for you girl. I can't help you if you don't tell me." His hoof disappeared. She felt him drape a wing and a foreleg over her.
"I don't need help, thanks." She replied, pulling herself up into a straighter pose. "I'll let you know when I do." He stepped back.
"If you say so Razz. Whistle if you need me. I’ll be where I always am. I’m worried about you.” He walked slowly out of the room. She stood up and watched him close the door. She locked it and fell back to the ground.
I'm a full grown mare, I don't need help, she thought. Besides, this is for me to figure out and solve. She stood up. It's my magic. My life. I don't need someone else to straighten it out for me or decide for me. She went to the mirror and sighed. She began to pace again. I have to decide what my magic is. It’s not a lie. I know that much.
She stopped at her tiny window and looked out. Ponies were rushing every which way on errands Razz didn’t care to know. Why can’t I focus? She thought. It’s been getting worse. Every time I go out there everything keeps coming back. Why can’t I forget? Why aren’t blue daisies as uncommon as they used to be? Why isn’t there a trick to forgetting? She saw Connor and turned away from the window. She could hear him singing a familiar tune.
“Get along little pony, get along , it's all your misfortune and none of my own,” Connor sang in a deep voice. Dad, she thought. He used to sing it to her at night like a lullabye. He said he sang it a lot when he used to travel. She sighed. Why can't I go back? They threw me out because I was a lair, but am I?
She laid down in her bed, listening to Connor's voice fade off into the distance.
"Get along little filly, get along," Her father sang to her, "It's all your misfortune and none of my own." He stood next to her. His wing wasn't draped over her like it usually was. He looked ill and worn, like he had looked in the end.
He looked at her. "Move along."
"I can't keep going. I'm just running away."
"Move along." He walked ahead of her.
"I want to at least return to explain myself! I don't want my entire life to be summed up as an exile and shame. I want them to realize I'm not a liar!"
"All your misfortune..." He said. He shook his head, blue mane shuddering.
"I miss you..." She said. She felt like a filly again, there in her father's prensence. He stopped and looked back at her and he smiled. "Move along little filly. Move along. You always were a lot like me, that much I know.” He stopped singing. He looked at her. He was crying. She ran after him.
"Dad! Dad! Don't cry. I love you, don't cry! Dad! Dad! I'm not a liar!"
She jolted up onto her hooves. I must have dozed off, she thought. Good, the door's closed. She looked out the window. Nothing happened, no one noticed. Ponies were carting the tent cloth away. She walked over to her mirror and combed her hair again. I have to go home, she thought to herself, I have to go to Oily and see if we’re stopping there.
She began to pace again.. She took in a deep breath. I'm okay. I'm fine. I can do it. She exited her wagon and headed out for Oily’s wagon. It was painted a candy apple red with his name in a decorative script. She knocked on the wagon door. I’m doing nothing unusual, she thought.
“Come in,” commanded Snake Oil.
"Snake Oil, what are the next few towns we're going to?" Razz asked as she entered into his wagon. He looked at her. The maps were on the side table, next to his hat.
"Why so interested? Afraid we'll go home?" He looked at her. "If we are, we can always go around. It's not like they wouldn't forget someone with your name or talent." He picked up the map in his mouth and set it on the desk. Razz watched as he spread the map out. "We’re in Daisy Town. Canterville is our next stop. We'll continue along that road for a few more towns, like Nimbula and Gallopolis." He traced the path with his hoof. Razz watched it get nearer to Lilyvale all the time. “We switch onto this next road at Gallopolis, and then we'll stop at Lilyvale here, and eventually Phillydelphia. Does that all sound good?" She looked at him. His eyes were narrowed and he was looking at her again.
"Great," she said, "Thank you." He got back on all four hooves.
"That's good. Tell me though, why do you ask?" He was still looking at her as if he kept watching she would spill everything. "Afraid we'll hit your hometown isn't it? Most of us are. What's the name of it?"
"No," She said, "Just curious.” She turned to go.
"Oh no, Dazzle. I would really like to know. Tell me." She started walking.
"Is it any of your business?" She asked him, not even looking at him. He frowned.
"Of course it is, Dazzle. My troupe is my business. Someone has to take care of us. Especially you. We both know what happened to you today wasn't a small one-time thing. I don't want to know everything. But I want to at least know why. I have to know what happened up there. I know this is connected. You have to tell me. Connor’s been concerned for a while, you know. Your performance today is what troubles me. What else could happen to you? We cannot simply replace you." He placed his hooves on the table.
"I don't have to tell you anything," she said. She headed for the door. He teleported, popping up in front of her in a fiery red flash. He blocked the doorway.
"I didn't have to tell you where we were going. But you heard what you wanted to. You’re never interested in the towns beyond what you show them. You were just glad to get your bits and your show." Razz frowned.
"I lost focus," she said. Snake Oil laughed. It was an unhappy laugh.
"Obviously." He looked at her and shook his head. "It's gonna take a bit more honesty than that. Come on."
Razz looked down, than up at him. She stared hard at his nose.
"You're not telling," She told him.
"Of course," he replied, adjusting his hat, “I’ve held many a secret for this troupe and its members.”
"I want to visit my town again." She focused on his nose.
"That's unusual," he said, taken aback. He blinked. "You know they won't take you. They wanted you gone.” He paused. “But why return?"
"I don't expect to stay. I want a good bye at least, if I can," Razz said. Snake Oil nodded.
"Sure, closure's a fine thing," he said, "But a word of advice before you go: Don't expect any. Life isn't that fair most of the time." He stepped aside. "Good night, Razzle Dazzle." He smiled, half grimaced.
"Goodnight, Oily." Razz said, walking straight out and heading straight for her wagon. She found Connor on her way.
"Why'd you see Oilly?" he asked. He looked worn out, worried.
"Just checking out where we are going. Nothing big." She replied, "You okay?"
"No," he said, pawing at the ground, "Because you're not okay. Your show went wrong and now I'm really concerned. What’s wrong?"
"Can't outrun the past, I guess," she said, frowning.
"That's so." Connor shook his head. "Are we passing through your hometown?" Razz nodded. "I wouldn't try to go too far in. I know they kicked you out, though I can only guess why. If you try to go in only say good bye to the people who may have actually missed you. You can at least get that. I hope." He looked sadly at her. She smiled at him.
"Thanks, Pops. Thanks very much." She hugged him. I guess I only should hope for that, she thought, as she walked back to her little wagon, whistling and thinking.
Lilyvale; 4 miles, the road sign read. Every now and then there were a few small blue daisies in the fields on either side. Things were starting to seem more familiar. Her mother used to take their family out to the fields for picnics. She could’ve used one of her mother’s daisy sandwiches. Those picnics had been wonderful. Blue would fly about with her father, landing on an occasional cloud to admire the view. Razz glanced behind her at the rest of the caravan. She would be home soon. She bit her lip. Her wagon clattered behind her for a moment as it rolled over a rock.
"You're almost there," Connor said, casting a brief glance at her, "Just remember to stay calm and avoid too much attention." Razz nodded. The carts clattered around them.
"Yeah," She whispered, and she bit her lower lip. I don't know if I still want to go back, she thought. She shook her head. I can't think like that, she told herself, I need this. The field that surrounded the road was full of blue daisies. A lily or two rose up here and there. Razz looked down into the road. It's not snowy like when I left, she thought, It's warm. She shuddered and looked around again. The fields had been covered in snow. She wasn’t sure if there had been more ice than snow falling when she left town an exile.
"Don't fret, Razz, you'll be fine. No matter what happens, you'll be great. You hear me?" Connor said. "Don't mope; I don’t like to see you so worried."
Butterflies floated about in the field. What if Blue doesn't want to see me again? What if she's forgotten? What if she hates me and believes everyone else? She said she'd always believe... but does she still?
The sign rose up ahead of them. Welcome to Lilyvale, Make Yourself At Home! The old sign was just the same, complete with the lily's summertime repainting. That wasn't the sign she remembered most though. She looked at the road ahead of her and listened to her hooves beat against the ground. She wasn't going to look. Snake Oil's cart was up front, pulled by him and one of the Twins as usual. He only wore his vest when pulling.
Some pony read aloud, "Feel free to visit again, traveler!" He commented to his neighbor, "Awfully friendly town, you think?" Razz shuddered. The storm had been terrible. She could’ve sworn she remembered seeing Windigoes. She shuddered. It’s an old mare’s tale, she chided herself, besides, a town doesn’t have that hate in it and Windigoes don’t go away. It's warm now. You’re just one pony, no one can hate you that much.
"Razz?” Connor said. “We're close enough now that you can leave the cart and I'll come back for it." Connor examined Razz, casting an occasionally glance to ensure he was in the line.
"No. I'm doing fine." She lifted her head up.
"If you need to, you best let me know," he told her. His voice had a soft edge to it.
"I know, thanks." She watched him do a brief bow. His wings flared out.
"You're welcome," he said. She laughed and he continued pulling his large supply cart along. "There you go! Now you're sounding better!" He was grinning.
"You're so funny sometimes," She said. She could see the bell tower in the distance.
"Anything to cheer you up," He replied. Up ahead, Oily's wagon pulled off the road into the field. "Looks it's time to unpack at last." Razz and Connor pulled off the road slowly. Oily and the Twin helping him had already stopped and Oily was trotting to the edge of the road, trying to maintain order.
"You all wait!" He shouted. "You should know by now that all of you can't just pop off the road at once! You're not foals even if you are foolish!" The Twin gave him his red handkerchief. "Two by two. Follow the ponies in front of you until you form up farther along the field. Always maintain the line you hear? I SAID MAINTAIN THE LINE, DON'T BREAK AWAY YET STARLIGHT!" The carts turned and pulled farther down, then stopped. Oily wiped his forehead with the handkerchief. Razz plopped down in the soft grass. She sniffed a little and blinked. Connor released himself from his harness.
"You didn't over exert yourself did you, Razz?" He came around her wagon to find her hooves over her head. He moved up to her, leaned forward, and clicked open the harness with his mouth. He lifted it off her and turned it away. She could hear it creak.
"You want to rest inside, Razz?" He asked.
"No," she replied. The grass was familiar. It felt familiar anyway, she thought. She laid her hooves in the grass. A few inches from her muzzle a single blue daisy wavered in the wind. She smiled weakly, and took a nap to dream of ice and cold possibilities.
She jerked awake, hooves flinging upward. She looked around. No one had noticed. It was time to head into town. Oily walked up to her.
“Hello, Razz,” He said. He was giving her his showman's smile, the one he always greeted people with. It disappeared as she stood up.
"You're sure you have to do this?" He asked, "It's not too late to back out. We aren't putting flyers up until tonight around dusk." He looked at her steadily.
"It's too late," Said Razz, "I'm here.” She stretched. “Thanks for the concern though."
"Yes, well, I'm not as callous as half of the troupe thinks. I'm still responsible for all of us. No matter where we are, every pasture we stop in is our home. We must be safe and as comfortable as we can when we're at home," He said. He trotted away.
"We wish," Razz muttered. She looked around her. It would be night in a few hours and everyone was getting themselves settled and ready for the night or passing the time in cards or other games.
Soon the archway rose up before here. It was white and blue like the lilies and the daisies. Ice had covered it when she left. She trotted cautiously under the archway, looking around in case her old neighbors were around. There was no one. Must be Sunday, she thought, this late they'd just be sitting at home with their families or friends. Everyone was here to watch me go. She sighed. To the graveyard first, I guess. He's the only one I know for sure where to find him, she thought, and the only one I’m sure won’t toss me out. She crouched behind a brick wall in a side street and made her way to the graveyard. She froze every time she heard anything clatter against the cobblestone. It took her forever to get to the graveyard. There was his grave at the top of the little hill. It was a humble grave, just a simple headstone bearing his name. He never wanted frills on anything. Even when he was a performer his outfit was a simple body suit with stripes. He would sometimes wear it on his daughters’ birthdays and show them a bit of his old flying routine. He would also sing for them.
Razz stood at her father's grave. She shut her eyes. You sang to us in almost every possible moment, she thought. She sniffed. She looked back at the town, half hoping to see the house, and maybe Blue flying over it like Dad would. She suddenly wanted to run home. She wanted to hug some pony desperately.
She sniffed again. There was a fresh wreath on the grave. It read Happy Anniversary! Razz swallowed.
"Mom still visits you, huh?” She paused, and dropped her head. “Does she tell you anything?” Razz shuffled her front hooves through the dirt. “I don't know if she would want to see me, Dad. I'm afraid. She didn't stop them! She was the judge, Dad. They tried her daughter and she handed down the judgment." Razz shook her head, trying to clear it. She only wanted to cry more. She sank onto her haunches and sobbed.
"Why?" She asked. She cried there at the foot of her father’s grave. Because she is devoted to the law. Over her daughter. She probably stopped caring.. Because I was a criminal. A liar. Because it was my fate. I’m not a liar. Illusions aren’t lies. Lies aren’t my destiny. Liars are alone with the truth. I’m not alone. Dad, you believed in me.
She stopped crying. She bit her lip. She sniffed. She rubbed her eyes with her hooves. I won’t let you down. Mom either. She got up.
"I don’t cry like this too often, Dad. I'm okay, mostly. Connor looks out for me. Like you used to." She coughed. "It's just that I, I don't want to go, but I'm pretty sure I'll have to. Mom's not gonna flout the law. She didn't then." She took a deep breath. The tree moaned gently as the wind whistled through the graveyard. She took another deep breath. Calm down, she thought, you've had your cry. The wind whistled around her, reminding her of the gusts of wind her father sometimes kicked up. She could hear him singing.
"Move along little pony," Razz sung quietly, along with her memory, "Don't you know that the road's your new home?” She gulped a lungful of air and began to wipe her eyes again. ”Yippee ki yi yo, Move along little pony, it's all your misfortune and none of my own. Yippie ki yi yo, get along little pony, don't you remember the road's your new home?" The wind died down and Razz began to cry again. She left the graveyard, leaving a single red rose at the foot of her father's grave.
I’ve got to hurry, Razz thought, I won’t be here forever.
She trotted through town taller now. Time’s wasting, Razz thought, Anyone who wants to give me trouble can take a walk through Tartarus for all I care. It’s not like I’ll see them that much. Where is Blue’s house, Razz wondered, I want to see her before Mom. Maybe then I’ll know what to expect. She spied a house that looked as if its lawn was blue. Seems a good a place as any to look.
As she neared the house she watched her sister come out of the house with a hose in her mouth. Razz froze. It’s not too late to chicken out, she told herself. Blue looked up and dropped the hose.
Her eyes widened. She blinked a few times. "Razz?" She asked at last.
"Yeah, it's me, Blue." Razz approached Blue Belle, "It's been too long." The garden was in bloom and Razz thought the daisies were more vibrant than the ones out in the fields. But that could’ve been the evening light.
"It has." She ran up to Razz and hugged her. "I've missed you! I thought you were dead! You're alive! But why are you back in town?"
"I'm part of the show," Razz said. She turned the water off for Blue.
"Oh," she said. Then she smiled. “I missed you. I was worried you died but you’re alive! You look so great!” Razz laughed.
“Better than dead, that’s for sure,” Razz said. Blue Belle winced.
"Don't say that," she told Razz, "We're all here." Then she shivered.
"How have you been?" Razz asked.
"Busy but happy. Eager has been taking on more work at the shop, and well, I have a little filly now too." Blue beamed, "She's a unicorn, like her father, her grandma, and her aunt." Blue shook her head. "She seems more like you every day.”
“I bet Mom’s happy with that,” Razz said. Blue nodded.
“Of course, but I think she her usual high expectation for the magic in our family.” Blue shook her head and sighed.
“Of course she does. Is she judging your daughter’s talent yet?” Razz asked. Razz frowned thinking about it.
“Well, it hasn’t shown up yet. We’re all waiting on that one,” Blue said. Her wings shifted uneasily. She looked down. “Oh, when did I turn the water off?” she asked Razz. “Maybe I forgot to turn it on when I brought it out.”
“You didn’t,” Razz said, “I figured you’d forget it in light of the moment.” She smiled.
“Oh, Razz!” Blue hugged Razz again. Razz frowned and looked down.
"How's Mom?" she asked.
"Alright mostly," Blue told Razz, "she doesn't always rest easy though. I'm not sure she knows she did the wrong thing to you. I don’t know if you’ll really want to see her or not. She’s also prone to moping something awful if she isn’t busy. You haven’t seen her yet?”
“No,” Razz said, “I’m worried.” She looked away. Blue looked at the sky. “You should probably go before it gets to dark and she goes to sleep.” She hugged Razz again. “Bye Razz.”
“See ya, Blue. I’ll send you letters, okay?” Blue smilled. Razz turned to go.
“Please be nice to Mom,” Blue said. Razz nodded.
“Good night Blue.” She stepped into the street and looked around. She knew where she was.
“She loves you!” Blue said. Razz turned down a sidestreet and headed for her Mother’s house.
Blue says Mom loves me. How much though? She delivered the decision my exile into the snow. Can she really love me that much? It was a blizzard! Razz glanced around at the few people passing on the street. Those who saw her turned their nose up at her. What a cold way to enforce an exile, Razz thought, they wouldn’t take me in if I were dying. There’s no place for me here and this is no place for me. Windows were shut, even in the warm evening air. Shut against her. It’s as if some foul thing had drifted into town on the wind. Will Mom treat me the same? The law asks that much of her. She’ll be ashamed even if she doesn’t throw me out. I’m a carnival show pony! I’m surprised she ever married Dad!
She eventually came to the door of her old home. She stared at it and gulped. It looked the same, spic and span as her mother kept it. She left nothing lying around without reason. Razz shifted on her hooves. Does she even have anything to remember me by anymore? She knocked and waited. No one came.
It’s only been a few moments, Razz told herself. Guests usually let themselves in, she reminded herself. Razz peered into the front window, looked like nobody was home. There were lilies on the same old table. Mom’s still here, anyway. I’ve got to try. She opened the door and the bell rang clearly into the house.
"Blue? Is that you? What are you doing so late?" Order asked from inside the study upstairs. Razz opened her mouth and choked on her reply. She tried again.
"No," she said. She stepped inside the living room, where visitors would always wait. She heard Order stop on the stairs.
"Is that you?" Order asked.
"Mom, it's me. Razz." She heard Order gasp. Oh no, Razz thought.
"My little Razzberry." Razz heard her mother charge down the stairs and into the living room to her daughter.
"My little Razzberry!" Her mother cried again, grabbing her daughter and holding her tight. Her mother ran her hoof through Razz's hair. Her mother was crying. Lawful Order never cried, not even that day. "I thought you might be dead. I had heard nothing. You're alive!" She clasped Razz tighter to herself, as if she didn't want to ever let her youngest daughter out of her grip again.
"Mom," Razz said. Order froze.
"I never wanted this," She began.
"Mom," Razz said again, "I don't care!"
"I love you," her mother cried.
"I know," Razz said. There was a dying bouquet of blue daisies on her table in vase along with vibrant tall majestic lilies.
"I had little choice. That was the best thing I was given. You were still free to live that way," her mother said, adding angrily, "But it should have never been so soon. The blizzard was terrible."
"It was out of your hooves," Razz replied quietly. Why isn't she angry with me? She thought. The room was warmer then she had expected it to be. Her father's old saddle bag still hung by the door. It had been well taken care of, as if someone wanted it to go on another adventure. The sunset outside glowed like a pleasant fire. Order's breathing stabilized.
"Have you been doing well? Have you found a stallion to settle down with? What brings you back?" Razz took a deep breath.
"I've been doing well enough. No, I have settled down or anything yet." Razz paused. "I'm traveling with a show." Order looked shocked. In a minute she had herself collected again.
"As long as you’re doing well, I suppose. Your father traveled with a show for a while." Order said.
"Isn’t that how he met you?" Razz asked, smiling. Order frowned.
"You haven't forgotten his stories?" She asked. She glared at her daughter. Razz could’ve sworn her mother had glanced at the saddle bag for a moment.
"No, no," Razz said, shaking her head and laughing. Order rolled her eyes.
"Don't tease me like that," She said, "It's not polite to scare your mother."
"I'll try not to." Razz replied. She pawed at the floor. Order jolted to attention.
"Here you are and I haven't given you anything to eat. Come, follow me, we can continue in the kitchen." She headed off towards the kitchen.
"You don't have to do that, Mom," Razz said, following her into the kitchen.
"Nonsense," Her mother replied, "I love you. And I don't care what they feed you on the road. Unlike you I remember your father's stories. He told me some positively horrific stories about the food. He told me that there was one week where he only had a carrot to eat! " She began rooting around in the cabinets and drawers, setting out a plate and a large bowl. She got two pieces of bread and then a head of lettuce.
"Have you been to many interesting places?" Order asked, "Your father used to tell such wonderful tales about some of the most exotic places." Razz took a seat.
"I've been to Canterlot but that's about it. I've heard some of the pegasus cities we've been at are pretty fantastic, but I can't get up there like Dad could. Canterlot was nice. I kind of wish Celestia had been there," Order turned around setting the plate down. It was a simple daisy sandwich but that she always wanted. “If I’d known you were coming I’d have prepared a lot more food, I can always make as much as you need. I’ll try to send you on your way with some extra food to take with you.” She set a large salad full of apple slices next to the plate.
“Thanks, Mom.” She took a bite of the sandwich. It was delicious. She finished it soon. Order stood nearby, watching her devour the salad, misty eyed. Razz walked over to her and nuzzled her. “I love you.”
“I wish you could stay,” Order said. She looked out the window. The moon had risen during their talk. “It’s gotten lonely around here. Blue doesn’t visit me much anymore and I’ve missed you so much. Her little filly reminds me of you. It makes me heartsick for you, to be honest.”
“I’ll be back. With the show or without, I’ll be back. I’ll also write this time.”
“Please do! I want to know what you’re up to. You’ll go far, Razz.” Satisfaction never was your strong point Mom, Razz thought. Her mother took away the empty plate.
“Must you go?” Order asked as her daughter got up.
“Yeah,” Razz said, “It’s getting late.”
“You have a show to be ready for don’t you?” Order asked. Razz froze.
“Yeah,” Razz stretched out a tense leg.
“My daughter has a very special talent,” her mother replied, not quite looking at her daughter for a moment. “Good night, Razz.”
“Good night to you too, Mom. If I don’t see you tomorrow, goodbye Mom.” She hugged her mother. Then she left and headed back to her wagon. She left Lilyvale as fast as she could. She needed sleep.
The next morning blurred by in a haze of ponies and Razz’s worry. It didn’t help that she would go on soon and she saw not a hair of Oily for the past hour.
She peered into the tent Blue was in the audience, but not her mother. Blue was enjoying herself, it seemed but she looked tense. Waiting for me to come out, she thought. Order was nowhere to be seen. Snake Oil was nowhere to be seen. The Twins would be done soon; they couldn't do their act for too long. Razz shuddering thinking about what happened last time Oily tried to get them to. Razz looked back and forth and she began to pace. He's never missing during the show. He's always right here, she thought. She saw Connor.
"Pops, she called out to him, "Have you seen Oily?" He trotted over.
"Not in the past 30 minutes, no," he replied. "Why?"
"He's not here! The Twins can't go on much longer," Razz still couldn't see Oily.
"That's not good," Connor said, "But we can switch them out easily enough, can't we? Me and the other pegasai are ready to fly." Razz continued to pace.
"But he's not here to announce the next act, Connor," she said.
"Surely we can send some pony else up there, couldn't we?" He replied.
"No! We need him!" She shouted. "They need to see and hear him, it's his specialty! They love it," She stopped and turned. I could be him, she thought.
“I’ve got an idea,” she said and shut her eyes. The way he talks. The way he looks. That grin. She opened her eyes. And I’m impersonating another pony again.
"How do I look?" Razz asked Connor. She figured it sounded like Oily. Connor looked her up and down. He whistled.
"You look and sound just like him. I doubt any pony could tell the difference.”
It looks like I’m a repeat offender, she thought to herself but then she smiled. That'll give them a good shock. What can they do? Exile me again? She conjured up a top hat and Oily's tailcoat and then she trotted out onto the stage and onto the platform.
"Splendid performance from the Twins! Can I get some hooves for the Twins?" She asked the crowd and hoof beats and a few cheers followed her request. She watched the Twins bow. "Excellent performance!" She watched them leave, rolling out on their balls. The cheering died down. Razz scanned the audience.
"And now, our next performer is a very special mare. She is a conjuror of dreams, an imaginer of illusions, A magician of images! A spinner of spectacles!" Blue craned her neck looking for here. She shut her eyes and a wave of silver blew around her.
"And here I am!" She called. The audience was in absolute shock. Blue clasped her hooves to her mouth, her husband jumped, and the little filly between them giggled. Razz shut her eyes. I want ice.
A taste of blizzard. Windigoes in memory of that bitter winter. She opened her eyes to see them charging around the ring, snow and ice spreading around the ring. Several of her earlier creations were incased in the spreading ice. Some of the ponies watched in terror. Blue shook her head furiously, as if she could wake up from a dream.
"Don't worry," She chided the audience, "Don't you remember they aren't real? You're all safe." She conjured up a fire under the emerald bird. The ice receded and the bird broke free. It sought refuge with Blue's family. The Windigoes remained in their path inside the ring. Razz raised her horn and called for a fiery dragon. It chased after the Windigoes, firing off its fiery breath. The audience watched as the dragon began to melt the ice at its edges. The Windigoes eventually began to fade like warm breath in the cold air. Then the dragon flew about the tent, looping and swinging and firing off its breath. The dragon kicked up a lot of dust. Razz began to call up grass and daisies. The dragon exploded like a barrel of fireworks and the dust settled.
Blue gasped. Hoof beats echoed through the tent. Blue began to grin and stomp. Razz smiled up at her. She bowed to her audience. Blue's little filly was playing with the bird and the ponies around her laughed. Razz turned and hopped off as Oily trotted into the arena.
"Sorry I was late, Razz," he said as he passed.
"It's alright," she said as she walked out of the ring. She saw Connor watching through the flap.
"How'd it go?" Connor asked as she left the tent.
"I think it went pretty well," she told him, "I wish Mom had been there though. I guess she doesn't feel like a circus isn't a place for me."
"I can imagine that. It's not a life I'd choose for my children, if I had any. You got to see her alright anyway, right?" He asked. They walked toward her wagon.
"Yeah, I," she took a deep breath, remembering Order's tears, “I wish I didn't have to leave them again." He watched her.
"Say, what'd your mother look like anyway?" he asked.
"She was white with a gavel cutie mark," she replied. Connor nodded.
"Thought she was an odd pony to find around here," He said.
"Where?" Razz interrupted. She stopped and looked around. He continued walking.
"She's gone already. Don't know why she was here really. She seemed like she was in a mighty hurry." Razz looked at the ground and trudged her way toward her wagon again. "Don't be so down, Razz. I imagine there was a reason she came and left so quickly."
"Maybe," Razz replied. She didn’t want to see me, she thought. She raised her head to look at her wagon. "I'll talk to you later Connor. I'd like to rest for now."
"Alright. Get me if you need anything, 'kay Razz?" He stretched out one of his wings. She couldn’t help but think of her dad.
"Thanks," she told him and went inside. She took off her costume and laid it all aside and went to her mirror. Siting on her little table was the portrait of her family together. She smiled. Dad even looked lively still, she thought. She packed away her clothes and turned back to the mirror only to discover her father's saddle bag hanging from one of her hooks.
She ran over to the bag and opened it. Inside were packed a daisy sandwich, a bag of bits, and a note. The note was short, reading;
Dear Razz,
I admit I wished better things for you than life in a traveling show. Still, your father was a traveler too, so it can't be that bad. I packed a bit of food for you in your father's bag. I failed to send it with you the first time you left, but I would not fail again. Your father would have wanted it to be with you. Take care of yourself, please.
With love,
Mom
The note was dotted with wet splotches and tear streaks. Razz bit her lower lip and set the note back in the bag and lay down. She would have to come back again. It wasn't home anymore, but there was Blue. Her mom too. Her head bobbed drowsily.
Connor knocked on the door.
“We’ll be leaving soon, Razz!” He said, letting himself in.
"It's too early, Dad," She murmured. He laughed.
“We’ve gotta get going if we want to make it to Phillydelphia on time,” He said. “All packed together?” Razz shook herself.
“Almost, I’ll be out in a few,” she said.
“Please hurry,” he said, leaving the room. She slipped the picture into the saddlebag and slung it onto her back. When she left the wagon she noticed many of the ponies were already hitched up and ready to leave. Oily walked past her as she began hitching herself up. He smiled faintly to her. She frowned at him.
“Where were you?” She asked. He looked mildly upset.
“I was detained by the nicest mare,” he began, “She needed directions to one of the wagons.” She blinked.
“So you,” She started. Connor pulled together the last few straps of his harness.
“Yeah,” he said, “In that very moment. Sorry I wasn’t there to announce you but I hear you introduced yourself rather admirably. “ He smiled and continued on.
“You ready to go, Razz?” Connor asked. He stretched out, preparing for the trip. She took in a deep breath.
“Yeah,” She said at last. She clasped together her harness and pulled into line alongside Connor. The troupe began to pull out of the field and onto the road which passed around Lilyvale.
“Connor?” Razz asked as they began to pass the outskirts of the town. The clatter of the caravan was far away enough to disturb no one. I almost wish it did disturb Mom or someone, she thought.
“Yeah?” He asked.
“Mind if I sing a little?” He snorted.
“Of course not!” He said, “I might join in if I know it.”
“I think you do,” She said. She took a deep breath, and began to sing.
“Yippie Ki Yi Yo, get along little pony, it’s all your misfortune and none of my own, Yippie Ki Yi Yo, move along little pony, don’t you the road’s new home?” Connor began to hum along as she continued to sing and then he joined in. At the fourth verse the caravan stopped. Irritated chattered ran up and down the lines, bringing news of some silly mare who stopped the troupe.
“I’m so sorry,” they could hear her quite a few rows ahead of them. Razz froze.
“I couldn’t make it earlier, I’m so sorry,” Blue said again, now only a few rows ahead.
“Nonsense,” Oily said.
“Blue?” Razz asked. She leaned to try and see which side she was on.
“Razz?” Blue asked excitedly. She flew over Connor’s head and landed on Razz’s outer side.
“Careful!” Connor yelled. Blue hugged her sister again.
“I wanted to bring something to keep you company, and I’m sorry if it won’t last long but,” She produced a blue daisy out of a bag and she stuck it in her sister’s hair. “It’s something, right?” She looked at her sister with wide eyes and a smile.
“Thanks, Blue.” She hugged Blue tightly. “Thank you so much.”
“Oh!” Blue shouted, her wings springing out behind her when she jumped. Razz reared onto her rear hooves “I almost forgot!” Razz let go of the wagon and landed on all fours again. Blue pulled out a blue vase.
“I can’t give you flowers that last very long, but I figured if I gave you a vase, you could make the flowers when you thought of us.” She offered Razz the vase. Razz took it and slipped it into her father’s saddlebag. Blue was watching Razz and the bag. “Mom give you the bag?” She asked. Razz nodded. Connor gritted his teeth. (He hates to see her cry.) Blue swallowed.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,” Blue said, and grabbed a hold of Razz and began to cry. Razz sniffed.
“Me too,” she managed. Blue hugged for a moment then let go.
“I guess it’s goodbye then?” she asked. Razz nodded.
“For now, anyway. Take care of yourself, Blue, and your little filly.” Razz said.
“I will.” Blue left after a minute.
Razz left Lilyvale that evening with one of her sister’s daisies resting in her mane and her father’s saddlebag. Thank you for visiting Lilyvale, the sign said, and Razz took up her song again.
