Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's Sh*tfaced Ramblings

by distortedtruth92

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 1077

Fourth and final installment of the Royal Ramblings Series

Cadance is lonely. She is drunk. She has her diary. Let her tell you her tale.

Published 2013-05-17 06:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-17 06:30:03 UTC

Chapter 1

Well, hello again Mr. Diary. How are you today? I know it's been a while since I have written inside you, but I have just been so busy with these Crystal ponies. They all want an audience with their their new Princess. Dammit all, can't they just leave me alone for five minutes to be with my sexy, sexy husband. Five minutes is all I need. I mean, he can finish me so fucking easily. It like he's not even trying. But we don't have much time for that anymore, what with all the Crystal shit heads interrupting every time we almost kiss. He is out patrolling the city now. He has to make sure we have no threats trying to infiltrate our beautiful empire. Otherwise I would be fucking him silly right now.

Seriously, why the fuck do we need patrols. We already fucking killed Mr. Sombrero... er... I mean King Sombra. That stallion was one scary mother fucker. I mean, he put so many stairs in my palace. Who the fuck would do that? I don't even like stairs. Stairs are the devil. Whoever invented them should be shot. With a magical beam of course, seeing as that petition for things called firearms was put down immediately by my aunts. Fucking pussies.

As the Princess of Love, I'm feeling a lot less of it now that I'm here in the Crystal Empire. Yeah, my subjects love me, but I am one kickass ruler, who wouldn't love me. I'm talking about Shining Armor. He is always on patrols with the new soldiers. Either that, or he is training with new recruits. He hardly ever comes up to our chambers. When he does come up, it's after I fall asleep, and he always leaves before I wake up. The only sign to show that he has been with me at all is the rumbled covers on his side of the bed. I just want to feel him inside me again. Is that to much to ask. I'm lonely. I could have all the attendants in the world and it still wouldn't fill the hole that he usually fills when we are together. (HA! Double entend- entand- you know what? Fuck it! Sex reference!) I hardly ever see him now, except from a distance. My Shining Armor is spending more time with HIS soldiers than with HIS Cadance. Next time I see him, I am giving him the rut of his life time.

Cadance drops her quill from her magical grasp as she hears the door to her and Shining Armor's chambers unlock. She places the bottle of rum behind her back as she turns to watch whomever it is enters her chambers. A shockingly two-toned blue mane proceeds the so-handsome-it should be a crime white stallion, his coat glistening with sweat. He looks up and sees the so-hot-it-can't-be-legal mare sitting at her writing desk.

“Oh, you're awake,” he states.

“Well, no shit, Captain Obvious,” she replies as she walks over to him seductively.

“H-honey, what are you doing?”

“Taking what's mine!” She leaps at him, grabbing his-

Five minutes later, Cadance is back sitting at her desk, her bottle of rum sitting firmly in between her hooves. Shining Armor is lying on the bed, passed out. She takes a long swig, finishing off the second half off the bottle before picking up her quill again and turning back to the diary.

Wow, diary! That was amazing. I had no idea he would be coming back this early tonight. I mean, he never comes home this early. It was as if some unknown higher power granted my wish and made him magically appear. The way he-. You know what? I'm not going to tell you. These are my memories and you can't have them. I will say, though, the only thing that could have made it better is if his sister was in there with us. I mean, what a knockout! I would rut her from dusk to dawn if given the chance. What's that, you say? Shut up, So what if I'm bisexual. Shining loves me for me. He knows I'm bi. Hell we have even had a threesome with that one really hot salon mare. You know, the one that kinda looks like that candy flanked pony from Ponyville. Stallion, that was awesome, but Twilight would have made it so much better. I don't think Shining would go for it though, them being siblings and all. Oh, well, a mare can dream, can't she. But, seriously, Shining would be the luckiest stallion of all time. Who has ever had the chance to say they have slept with two Princesses at one? Well except for Starswirl the bearded, if Auntie Luna is to be believed. From the way she tells it, that staliion gave her and Auntie Celestia the best night of their lives (though the author of this drunken fic thinks he could do better. HA! What a joke, his wick is so dry it- huh, I lost my train of thought.). I bet Shining would jump at the opportunity if one of the Princesses involved was not his sister. Well, it's getting late. I had no idea. I thought Shining was home early. In fact, he was half an hour later than usual. I was just so wrapped up in talking to you that I had no inkling of the time. Hehe, silly me. And ponies say that Applejack is a silly pony. I am the true silly pony. Screw that G! AJ. And also the new one. Literally. She has such a nice flank (as Distorted loves to point out). Seriously, what an apple bottom. She may not be a Princess, but I bet Shining wouldn't mind a threesome with her. All I would have to do is summon her to the Crystal Emipire and... Oh, what fun we would have. Granted, Shining would then have the hulking mass of rage that would be Big Macintosh to deal with for deflowering the middle Apple. Well, I guess we will have to find out. Don't worry Schnookums, you pretty Cadance will always be here to protect you. Good night, Diary. Sleep well.

Love,

Princess Mi Amore Candenza

Author's Note

So I got drunk again. Here it is. The Fourth and Final installment of the Royal Ramblings Series... or is it. Any idea who might be next?
Love,

Distorted