The Guard

by Shadow of the Night

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Human
Length: 2564

It's been one of those days for Damian Carmine.

Damian Carmine is angry. He's been refused life insurance, been run over by a scooter, and shot in the hand.
P.S.: Damian wants you to comment!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-17 19:00:02 UTC

The Guard

Alex Bajayo

5/7/13

The Guard

Asterisks indicate death moments in the life insurance section.

It was a normal day in the Ponyville Insurance building. The time was 2:00 P.M., and Big Payment was sitting at his desk, looking through some papers. He was a rather fat Pegasus, with a yellow coat, a yellow mane, and even yellow eyes. His cutie mark was a wad of bills.

Then, the door to his office opened, and a head popped out from behind it. “Hello?” knock knock knock. “I had an appointment at two ‘o’clock for a life insurance policy.” Payment looked up, and took one look at the human that was at his door. His eyes widened.

No. It couldn’t be. Not another one of them. Not another idiot. “No. No, no, no, no, no.” The human that had come into the room was in armor. The armor of the Onyx Guard, to be exact.

The human tried to speak, but Payment just pointed his hoof at the door and said, “Get out.”

“I was told to just, come right in.”

“You’re a Carmine, right?”

“YEAH, man! Damian Carmine!” Damian extended his hand to shake.

Payment leaned back and said to himself, “Ugh. The ulcers’ acting up.”

“Are you okay, man?” Damian asked as he sat down in a chair.

“Oh, Celestia. Oh, no.”

“What’s the big deal?”

Payment looked up at Damian, surprised, and said, “The big deal, is that your family, is SINGLE-HANDEDLY bankrupting this company.”

“What?! That’s ridiculous!”

“Oh, what about your cousin, Anthony?!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know Anthony.”

“He took out the biggest policy we had, and got shot his first day.”

*Anthony was in the street, showing someone an issue with his Lancer. “Bro.” Then, a sniper shot sounded, and Anthony fell dead.

“Look bro, its war, man, shit happens!”

“Ben Carmine. He managed to last a whole week, before he got his intestines liquefied, by flesh-eating insects.

*“GAAAAAAAAAH! AAAH, AAAAAH!” Benjamin screamed as he was dragged away by a flesh-eating insect.

“Could happen to anybody.”

“Gyule Carmine. Torn limb from limb by a Berserker.”

*“Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Woah.” The Berserker began to maul Gyule. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“He always did love animals.”

“Franklin Carmine. Hit by a train.”

*“Huh?” Franklin looked behind to see the Tyro Pillar only an inch away before he was smashed into. “OOOOOMMMMF.”

“Oh, what about Sherman?”

“Oh! He burned up looking for his car keys, in a pool, of Imulsion.”

*Sherman noticed his keys in a pool of pale glowing liquid. “Here they are, I found them- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“Looking for his car keys!”

“Okay, Lebron, Lebron was a good guy!”

*Lebron was standing in front of a gasoline thing. “Hey what octane do we- AAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“Oh, right. BUT GARRET!”

*Garret hit a sharp laser wire fence and lost his limbs and his head simultaneously. “UAAAAAAAGH!”

“Mmm, no.”

“Ignacious Carmine. Died in a tragic game, of TORQUE-BOW TAG.”

*“Ha-ha, you got me- AAAH!”

“WHO PLAYS TORQUE-BOW TAG?! HUH?! YOU SHOOT ARROWS AT PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM EXPLODE!!!”

“I know how to play Torque-Bow Tag.”

Payment began shaking his head from left to right.

Carmine said, “Look, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m gonna need a full policy, that then rolls over into a full-life continuity.”

“No, No, No. NO. There is NO WAY, I’m giving you a policy.”

“Uhm uh, okay.”

“YOUR FAMILY IS A BUNCH OF IRRESPONSIBLE,-

“Not necessary.”

“-IDIOTIC, YAHOO REDNECKS!”

“Woah, woah, woah, woah, okay, Dr. Phil.”

Payment stood up and said, “Good day, Mr. Carmine.”

Damian pulled out a water bottle that had a lot of yellow liquid in it and said, “I, uh, brought this urine sample. You want it now or later? I can just, um, y’know, leave it here-”

“I said, good day sir.”

Carmine slammed his bottle of piss onto Payment’s desk and said, “Ugh. Alright, fine, FINE!” Carmine slammed his hands down onto Payment’s desk, got up, and then said, “You know what, the Better Business Bureau is gonna be hearing from me, pal, because this, is THE WORST I’VE EVER BEEN TREATED, ALRIGHT MAN?! YOUR ACTING LIKE I’M SOME, KIND OF BULLET MAGNET!!!” Payment backed up a bit, and started to feel nervous. Carmine didn't stop, and lowered, then raised his left arm upward with his left hand flipping the bird as he said, “Well, you know what?! SCREW YOU, PAL, CAUSE I’M NOT GETTING SHOT TODAY!” With that, Damian picked up his Mark II Lancer, and chain sawed Payment’s office door into two neat pieces instead of punching it open. With that, Damian furiously stormed out of the life insurance building in rage.

As he stormed out, he got hit by a scooter. “Oomph!” Damian got up, and noticed that Scootaloo had rammed into him as Dedrik had stomped out of the building. The small Pegasus filly was gripping her left leg in pain, causing Dedrik to forget about what he had just gone through. Someone was hurt, and he needed to help in any way he could. “Are you alright?”

“Ow. I think I sprained my leg.” Scoot’s voice sounded full of pain, and she seemed like she was going to cry.

“I’m going to get you to Redheart.” Damian said. Without hesitation, he scooped up Scootaloo, her scooter, his Lancer, and ran off to Ponyville Hospital.

“So, I storm out of the insurance building, pissed off because I was being treated like a piece of shit, and I was so pumped up that I didn't notice Scootaloo until she collided with me.” Damian finished. He had been talking with Nurse Redheart, explaining what had happened that had caused Scootaloo to collide with him.

“Well, that’s quite a story, and I think you’ll be happy to know that even though Scootaloo did sprain her leg, it wasn’t very bad. She’ll be better in a bit.”

“Whew! For a second, I thought this was all going to be ruined by me getting shot.”

“Wait, what’s… oh my Celestia, you’re bleeding!”

“What? That’s ridiculous! Well, my left hand does hurt, I’ll take a look.” Damian looked at his left hand, and noticed a bullet hole right at the bottom right side. He reacted by saying, “Aw, crap.”

“I’ll take care of it.” Redheart got Damian behind her desk and got him down on the floor. “Well, it’s not too bad. It’ll heal on its own, but I’m going to need some stitches for this. Not to mention, we’ll need a band-aid and some antibiotics. Actually, I think you need to get better medical attention.”

“But I have to attend a gun show at three-o’ clock!!!”

Redheart turned around and yelled, “DOCTOR!!! I NEED SOME HELP HERE!”

“Gee, how can this day get any better?”

Damian had been told that it would take a few days his hand to heal, and for the time being he needed to be in bed. He was right next to Scootaloo, so he decided to say, “Well, don’t you find it funny that when we collide, you get hurt but I don’t, and then when I’m explaining what happened, I get shot in the hand, and I don’t even notice it?”

“A little.” Scootaloo responded. “I’m bored. Are you?”

“Well, it’s three-o’clock, and I’m supposed to be at a gun show. But NOPE, I have to get shot in the hand!”

“Calm down, dude.”

“You know what? I’m going to turn on the T.V. and RELAX.” With that, Dedrik grabbed the television remote with his right hand, and turned on the T.V.

“Welcome to International Championship Boxing!”

Damian commented by saying, “Oh yeah! It’s Mane Annihilation against Canterlot’s Heavyneight Champ, Noper!”

Then, the battle started. Two boxes moved around, and then collided with each other.

“REALLY?!” Damian yelled.

Scootaloo began to laugh. “I GET IT! BOXING! HAHAHAHAHA!”

“This is bull shit! And I apologize for my French, bro, but seriously?! I’VE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS SERIES FOR SEVERAL MONTHS!” Enraged, Damian mashed the change channel button.

The T.V. said, “Welcome to the Porno channel.”

“OH, G-D NO!” Damian changed the channel.

“This is the Stripper Broadcast Network.”

“WHAT THE HECK?!” Damian smashed the button to change the channel. During this, Scootaloo was laughing, not because of the T.V., but because of Damian's rage.

Channel change.

“Welcome to the Sex Channel.”

“ARE YOU CEREAL?!”

Channel change.

“This is the Gay Sex Show.”

“I- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!”

Channel change.

“This is the Horror Channel. LET’S HEAR A LINE FROM A MOVIE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BITCH!

Finally, the T.V. said, “Welcome to the Equestrian News; it’s three-thirty.”

“Not what I wanted to see, but thank G-D! Why would a hospital that has children in it have a SEX CHANNEL, A PORNO CHANNEL, A GAY SEX CHANNEL, AND A FUCKING STRIPPER NETWORK?! THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGALL!”

The T.V. said, “Now, we are coming in with live video feed from Saddle Arabia as a bunch of ponies get together for National Public Sex Day.”

“ASHASLHASBHCHLDSBKASDKCHBLASBCULADHBSLDSBDCLHDSBDD JCOCHNDSBYIOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” Damian screamed while flailing wildly, whilst also ruining the flow of this entire story with a word that doesn’t even exist.

“Wow, Damian! You’re so funny!!!”

“WHAT’S THE POINT OF MY EXISTENCE?! TO GET SHOT IN THE HAND, BE CHEATED, CROSSING A BUNCH OF INAPPROPIATE CHANNELS BECAUSE THERE’S A FILLY NEXT TO ME, NOT THAT I WATCH THAT STUFF BUT ANYWAYS, FINALLY REACH AN APPROPIATE CHANNEL, ONLY TO FIND OUT THEY’RE BROADCASTING LIVE FOOTAGE OF NATIONAL, PUBLIC, FUCKING SEX DAY IN SADDLE ARABIA?! AAAAAAAAHSAUIDHDSUYBGCYUSAOSOYSAYDGSAGYDSA!” Damian screamed again.

A new voice said, “Woah, woah, woah, what happened, Sugarcube?”

Damian turned his head to see that the farmer pony, Applejack, was standing at the entrance to the ward. Damian simply said to her, “Well, I need to change the channel again, because as it turns out, the news channel is broadcasting live footage, of National SEX DAY, in Saddle Arabia.” With that, Damian changed the channel, and the the channel said,

“Welcome to the LSD network. We are broadcasting our annual live footage of International Sex Day, in Saddle Arabia, which we are editing with trippy effects to make you feel as if you’re on LSD.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Damian screamed. With that, he mashed the change channel button, which didn't work; neither did the power button. Then, the footage on the T.V. started. However, there were panda bears flying around, on… Formula I Cars. Drag-racing cars. Damian reacted by saying, “What the heck is this. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE PANDA BEARS, LET ALONE IN DAMN RACE CARS!!! THIS IS… DAMNLY TRIPPY!!! NOT TO MENTION, THEY’RE ALL IN G-MAJOR!!! THE FUCK IS THIS?! THE FUCK IS THAT?!”

Then, the pandas disappeared, minus their heads.

“ALRIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK?! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! I UNDERSTAND IT’S THE LSD CHANNEL, BUT THE SHIT IS THIS?! THEY ARE SMOKING SEVEN WONDER HERBS AT THE STATION FOR THIS CHANNEL!!!”

Applejack intervened by saying, “Woah, calm down, Sugarcube. It’s just meant to be like this. And stop that swearing! Yah are teaching Scootaloo filthy language!”

“THE T.V.-”

Then, out of nowhere, an Armored Kantus appeared in the doorway. Applejack, Damian, and Scootaloo looked in shock at this, and then it screamed. Then…

It exploded, and out of it came pandas in drag-race cars, panda heads, LSD pills, piles of immobile crack-cocaine, and poop. Did I forget to mention dildos came out, too?

“AAAAAJADSIBJDIJOSDAUDSBAUIADSBHUJASDHLDSVBFGUFVSA!!!” Was Dedrik’s comment. “THE HELL WAS THAT?! SERIOUSLY, I DON’T GET IT! LIFE IS POINTLESS NOW! THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS DAY GOOD WOULD BE A SEXY-”

Suddenly, a nurse came into the doorway, obviously confused by the piles of crack-cocaine, dildos, and pandas. She was dressed somehow erotically, and the thing that was most stunning was that the pony was Vinyl Scratch. She had a cart with a gigantic speaker, and Vinyl commented on the chaos by saying, “How did this happen?”

Damian simply said, “I think an insane Armored Kantus mindfuck. Why are you here? Aren’t you a D.J.?”

“This is my day job.” Then Vinyl looked up at Damian, and said, “Say, you don’t look too bad, boy.” She seemed… to be drooling, and she had a stare that seemed to be the kind of stare someone would have if they had been seduced. “Well, actually, let’s talk about… no, let’s have some action.” She galloped over to Damian's bed, and using her magic, closed the curtains. She turned to Damian and said, “Well, I like this already. I know some stuff I guarantee you’re gonna enjoy…”

“Wait, what are you doing? Don’t touch… HJBSDF;UDSFHBJLDSFDSFALBKHYDSFDFUHBKDSBHDSFHYKYFBKDSD321IU3P9I4

“@!#32189” Damian yelled as some really crazy shit happened. They were upside down one second, horizontal the next. Several minutes later, Vinyl stepped out, her… whatever covered in fluids. She winked at Damian, who had managed to get his armor back on, and had no comment.

The next day was Hearts-and-Hooves day. After having been dismissed the day before due to Vinyl’s wubicure (YES, WUBICURE) that had healed his left hand. When Damian stepped out of his nice little metal house, he went to a bathroom and began to wash his hands. When he looked into the mirror, he could not freaking believe who he saw behind him. He turned and yelled in shock, “CHRYSALIS?!”

“Yes. I am here.”

“HOW THE HECK DID YOU ESCAPE THAT SINGING PINKIE COSTUME?!”

“Magic.”

“I’m a stupid idiot, I guess. So, why are you here?” Then, Damian noticed something that easily indicated that he was about to have a bit of a hellish day. In Chrysalis’s mouth was a little card that said, ‘You’re my valentine.’ Dedrik said, “No way. NO. WAY.  YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO ME?! JUST… WHAT?!”

“Yes, my dear. I do like you.” Then, Chrysalis put her hooves over Dedrik’s shoulders and said, “So, why don’t we have a little fun?”

Poof. Damian teleported away.

“HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!” Chrysalis roared.

Outside, Damian reappeared and put his hands to his knees, bending down, breathing really fast. Afterwards, he said, “THAT, was the most terrifying I have ever had to go through. I HAVE CAUGHT THE EYES OF AN EVIL QUEEN! WHAT THE HELL?!” With that, Damian ran home. When he got there, he noticed a heart-shaped letter. It didn't say who it was from, but as long as it wasn't from Chrysalis, Dedrik would be fine. When he opened it, he read this.

“To Damian Carmine,

You have come to my attention as the best mate possible for me. I know this because I did some calculations, and the chances of finding a mate as good as you were as low as 129239210382138:1. I hope you reply to this.”

Damian looked out at the reader, and said, “O.K. let’s guess who sent this letter. Was it:

A. Twilight Sparkle.

B. Trixie.

C. Applejack.

D. Rarity

E. None of the above.

You done? Well, I can tell you are. If you selected A., you’re right. Who the fuck else, would do a bunch of calculations, to determine who their best mate? I mean, COME OOOOOOON!!! WHO DOES THIS?! AND WHY THE HECK AM I REIDIRATING MYSELF?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

Then, out of nowhere, a light blue unicorn mare with an ice-colored mane slammed into Damian, who didn't need to guess the pony that had literally used “BOUNCE” on him. After a sigh, he said, “Yes, Colgate?”

“I LOVE YOU!!!”

“I think I could tell.”