Chapters In which Twilight goes to space
Twilight fell to the cold wooden floor of her libraries basement, exhausted. Smiling a smile weary from her hard work, she looked upon her glorious creation: A rocket ship shaped like her horn. (Which wasn't in any way, shape or form phallic.) Finally... after so many hours of working... putting her blood sweat and tears into it... even ripping out her own soul to fuel the engine... She had completed the first part of her plan. "What do you think, B.I.L.L.?" Twilight asked her assistant, B.I.L.L. C.L.I.N.T.O.N.
A mechanical replica of the former president, Bill Clinton, Twilight built C.L.I.N.T.O.N. when Spike -that little bitch- left to pursue his dream of becoming a ballerina.
"I did not have sexual relations with Rarity," C.L.I.N.T.O.N. said.
"Fair enough," Twilight relented. She then teleported into her rocket's cockpit and blasted off, leaving a hole in the building. As it left the planet's atmosphere, she relished the thought of achieving her goal: obtaining the Word of Faust and becoming a god. All she had to do was go to the center of the universe and rip it out of her creator's, cold, dead, hands.
Suddenly: pocky! Everything was pocky! Sexy time was never so horrid! Corn dog figs!
Then, Loren Fowst, Dark Lord of All, rended the soul of Nyarlathotep from him, and cast it into the Wal-Mart void!
Sitting in the throne room of her galaxy sized warship, Loren Fowst, Dark Lord of All drank a nice cup of tea as she did so. The willowy black cloak she wore fluttered in a beachily breeze. "Ah, what nice tea."
From the shadows, a twisted creature garbed in a black robe appeared from the shadows. She had a perky face and pretty blond hair. "THE COMBITION OF GOLD TURTOISE, MAN SHADOW, AND UNTHINKABLE KIND IS SURELY BALANCED," Tarah Strawng said.
"Indeed," replied Loren Fowst, Dark Lord of All.
And they blew up Unicron with a laser made of Nyan-Nyan-Nyan Katamari Damaci!
Spin, spin, spin! Spike span across the ballet hall with such rapidity that he began to leave vampire sparkles on the floor. The ceiling tongues looked down in shame at the spectacle. It was an embarrassment to the art. He lacked elegance and poise and all sorts of things. Had some cocky unicorn cast some forbidden spell to make this travesty happen, or was there a reason yet more baffling?
Faster, faster! His spinning increased, faster, and faster. So fast that the little dragon frackling was but a mere blur to all those who observed. Then, pirouette! His feet could no longer take the horrible dancing, and promptly exploded. Blood and tendons flew everywhere, leaving no surface clean. He fell to the floor, deader than disco.
Betwixt and between the realms of reality and mirror, the princess of the night, Luna, watched eagerly. Stepping out from the mirror from which she watched the travesty unfold, Luna carefully levitated Spike's corpse and wrapped it in a white sheet. Then, with another quick flicker of magic from her horn, they vanished, leaving the janitor to clean up the mess.
Celestia sat on her couch, which was made of menstrual blood, watching porn. Her position was a slight slouch, as if she was bored, but her face told a different story. It was a manic glee, really. That face. Like Molestia, only taken up to eleven.
Her attention shifter slightly from the porn to the door or her apartment as she heard is open and slam. Her face returning to its normal serenity, she paused the saucy escapades and turned her head. "Luna, what have you got there?"
Luna, whose face was now reminiscent of Celestia's "porn face" replied, "IT IS A NEW PROJECT SISTER! A DEAD BABY DRAGON! IT IS FRESH, THIS PLEASES ME!" Spike, who was still wrapped in the sheet, hovered to her right.
Celestia chuckled. "And just what do you plan to do with it?"
"I WILL REPAIR IT, SISTER! MAKE IT STRONGER, BETTER THAN IT WAS BEFORE! CAN I FIX IT? YES, I CAN!"
"Alright, just don't start another zombie apocalypse, you hear me? It took forever to clean up that one."
"I SHALL, SISTER!" And with that, Luna went to her room and locked the door behind her, readying her lab to perform all sorts of experiments.
Celestia continued watching her porn with her usual enthusiasm. The sound of power tools emanated from her sisters' room, drowning out the cheesy dialogue. Using her horn, she lit a cigarette. Boom, baby. Boom boom baby.
Discord exploded into existence like the holy gospel of Gravity Falls. "I just had sex~" Sang the young chaos god.
"Cool story, bro."
He flopped down on the seat next to Celestia. "So, Who, what, when, where?"
"Luna's creating another sin against nature, Sombra's being a slut in the shower with my nephew, Cadence is being an emo bitch and locked herself in her room-"
"Fuck you, prep!" Cadence shouted angrily from her room.
"...And Shining Armor is over there." She pointed to him in the corner. The stallion known as Shining Armor was a mere shell of his former self. The many, many, atrocities he had both witnessed and caused had reduced him to a vegetative state, and so he sat there, staring into space. He made a nice coat hanger.
"Sweet," said Discord.
"Shut up, man! I'm watching Sombra slut it up with my nephew!" Celestia shooted, pointing at the TV, which was many cupcakes. The pony kind.
In which Fluttershy kills everything
"BURN! AHAHA! Burn!" The hellish heavens sang of Darkmeal Fluttershys' laser eyes. Ponyville was in ruins, and all ponies who dared to be shipped with Big Macintosh were slain. And by that, I mean EVERYONE. Twilight, Caramel, Cheerilee, Luna, every single living creature in Equestria was destroyed. Save for Fluttershy and Big Mac.
Yes... No no one will be shipped with Big Mac except for her ever again... Fluttershy smiled at this thought. A wicked smile. But it wasn't enough... No... She had to kill everything. All life in the universe must be extinguished in order for her and Mac to be the only OTP. And not just all life in the universe... the multiverse must also perish. The fans who would dare ship otherwise... the creators... EVERYTHING.
She then encased Big Macintoch in fuckeverythingcrystal and brought down her hoof, shattering the planet and making the solar system implode in a spray of yay.
Off to her filthy evil, then.
Pinkamena Diane Pie stared longingly into the cupcake that was many skulls arranged to resemble a giant one. Bored, she threw it into the incinerator that conveniently stood to her right. For whatever reason, the pink pony had found herself in a Wal-Mart on Spider Planet in Galaxy Omega-Nine. Amongst a sea of spider-ponies high on the euphoria of shopping for simple commodities such as C4 explosives, Pinkie Pie stood out as the only one who could see the truth.
Everything, including her, was made out of soap bubbles.
Tap tap tap.
The shoebox that rested on Pinkie's back went off. Opening the box and shoving her head inside (while the box was still on her back), she took the call.
It was Rarity, who was juggling three desks lamps in a vain effort to hide her blatant racism.
"Would you be a dear and patty cake a chumblebort while you're in space?" The marshmellowy unicorn asked as she spontaneously burst into flames. Pinkie removed her head from the box whilst shutting the lid over it, ignoring the screams of ecstasy that sounded from her friend.
"What a bitch," Pinkie thought merrily as she left the Wal-mart. Said Wal-Mart was subsequently destroyed by a now teen-aged Discord, who flung the remains into another dimension.
Pinkie, for the first time in centuries, was happy. Nothing, not even Trixie Lulamoon's acne problem could dampen Pinkie Pie's mood. She was so happy that- for no reason at all- she became a stallion and renamed himself Bubbles D-lite (Known to his friends as Bubble D).
Discord, noticing the sudden sex change, came onto Bubble D.
"'Sup. Names Discord. I'm the god of chaos and disharmony. Wanna make out?"
And so they did.