I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

by Timelord12

First published June 16th, 2013 05:00

My adventures in "the magical land of Equestria" according to the huge white pony standing in front of me.
Bonus points if you get the reference in the title.

Chapters

Well, this is akward
breakfast woes
Something Weirder This Way Comes
Anything But That
Why I Hate Gardening Part 1
The Statistical Probability Of Returning Home
Religion Is Crap (A.N: I don't think religion is crap, no flames please)

Well, this is akward
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

Well, this is akward

When I woke up this morning, the one thing I did not expect to happen, happened. Hello, my name is John Adam Smith, and my life, my new life began April 27th, 2019. It started pretty normally, I got up, did the whole "I have time, so I'll stand under the shower to wake up" thing, got dressed in my flight attendant's uniform, had breakfast, and was driving to work when an odd portal-like thing opened up. I could not have swerved fast enough to avoid it, so in I went, screaming like a little girl with her dress on fire. The next thing I know, my car is sitting on a grassy field. I get out of the car, and start analysing where I am. "Now, let's see, the flora and fauna look like Earth's, but it looks too alive for my planet, not raining, meaning I am not in England, I'll go look for civilization." And with that said, I began walking in the direction of the smoke. As it turned out, the town had sent out a party as well, and we met halfway. The seven of us stared at each other for the better part of a minute. As the minute ended, the lavender horse began to speak.
"Hello, my name is-" was all she got out before the blue one began yelling at me.
"What are you, a trick, a trap, a spy coming to catch us off guard?"
"No, no, and no again, my name is John Adam Smith, and I think it is pretty fair to say, what the hell are horses doing talking?"
"If Rainbow had let me finish, you would know by now."
"Okay, so finish."
"Alright, as I was saying, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends" as she said their names, she waved at them. "Rainbow Dash" she indicated the blue one that had spoken earlier, "Pinkie Pie", pointing to a, surpise, surprise, pink one that began talking at a mile a minute about parties and cakes and the whole town at the library and the snakes on my hoof. Twilight looked at me sympathetically "Yeah, she does that a lot."
"Fine by me."
"Oh, then there's Rarity." Pointing to an alabaster unicorn, "Applejack." An orange horse wearing a Stetson, which I promptly stole, "And that's Fluttershy." Pointing to......an empty space. It turns out she was hiding in a bush. Anyways, back to now
"Well Twilight Sparkle, it seems i'm staying for a while, so let me start up the car and i'll follow you into town." I got into my old Delorean (haha, I get it, i'm in a Delorean, so of course I travel to odd places. Funny) and began to drive slowly after the assembled ponies. Did I mention that my hands are shaking through this entire thing, no? Well they are, and if you entertain the notion that it will be easy for me to adjust, let me put it in perspective for you. I have a family who are probably worried sick about me, a job that I will never see again, friends who are just as worried about me, a landlord awaiting his rent that will never come, a couple of leases and debts I cannot pay off, a roommate that will never see me again, and a class that I need to teach. So yeah, it'll take a while for me to settle in. In the meantime, I'll try to find work in this universe which I have found myself in, but first, my adventures in Ponyville.

Author's Note

Hello, first fanfic ever, so be nice. I will accept constructive criticism, just don't bitch about it.
No, my name is not John Adam Smith, I just don't want you to know my name.

breakfast woes
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

breakfast woes

When we got into town, the rest of the group split off and walked(or in Pinkie's case, bounced) back to their homes and/or places of business, leaving me with Twilight. As we walked to god knows where, we talked about random nothings and the weather. We soon reached a tree with a library sign on it (i wonder if the rest of the tree was used to make the books that now line its shelves?) and went inside.
"So, do you have any bacon or skirt steaks lying around?" I asked. The library went dead silent, so silent, you could hear a pin drop. On Earth.
"Iii'mmm gonna take that as a no." I half queried, half stated of the lavender Pegascorn (Unicus, Allicorn?), For the life of me I cannot answer, so as I wait for the incoming yelling attack, I mull over that question.
"YOU EAT WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH EATING ANIMALS? THAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE-"
"Which is it?"
"HEAR-what?" Twilight asks, her yelling ending abruptly, leaving her incredibly confused.
"Which is the correct answer? Pegascorn, Unicus, or Allicorn?"
"I am what the Ponies of Equestria would call an Allicorn." The violet Allicorn answered.
"Okay, why be called that though, as far as I can see you only embody two of the species of hor-ponies I have seen, care to explain?" I redirected.
"While the physical traits are evident of only two species, I also am a natural green-hoof, and I have the strength of an earth pony as well."
"Ah so that explains the Allicorn title, you are an amalgam of all the traits of these ponies made flesh. How interesting-wait, did you say Earth pony?"
"Yes I did. Why? Is that important?"
"Yes, it is enormously important, because my planet's name is Earth, but that's not as imperative as getting fruit and oatmeal in me, now do you have orange juice, or tea maybe? I'm starving."
"Wait, what?"

Author's Note

Just so you know, my insert is sort of like the Doctor, in that he switches topics faster than you can say "it", but this is a plot point, so stay tuned for more.

Something Weirder This Way Comes
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

Something Weirder This Way Comes

After a lot of coaxing, prodding, and pleading, I finally convinced Twilight to let me outside.
"Well, let's see what this town has in store for me." I said as I walked out into the beautiful light of day.
"We'll see if the apple stand is open, I need some more Red Delicious for Spike, can you find your way back to the library if need be?" Twilight asked.
"Yes, I can. It's not hard to miss, as it's a rather large tree standing at least a foot taller than the other buildings." I said, a hint of exasperation coloring my tone. This was at least the 17th time we had gone over this, it was getting a bit annoying, truth be told, but I wasn't about to tell Twilight that.
"Good, well, have fun and don't wait up for me, the door is unlocked."

"Thanks, I will definitely have fun looking around." I replied, and with that said, I walked off in the direction of a lake I saw in the distance. As I walked, I ruminated on what had happened before I had found myself here.

A day earlier

"What did we go over yesterday?" I asked quite possibly the worst class of students I had ever seen. Only when the tension in the room was so thick you could not get through it with a razor sharp machete, a girl in the back raised her hand.
"It was perception and its effects on the mind, wasn't it?" She inquired timidly. It was obvious she had never raised her hand before. My stern glare began to soften at the display.
"Yes, it was, thank you Miss..." I trailed off, drawing a blank on her name.
"Wheeler, Joan Wheeler." Joan supplied helpfully.
"Ah, you are not, perchance, related to Lindsay Wheeler, are you?" I asked tentatively, expecting a no.
"Yes, I am, why?" Joan replied, equally tentative.
"She was my friend back in grammar school, how is she?"
"Much better than before." At my questioning stare, she elaborated. "A couple of weeks ago, she got over a bout of Pneumonia."

"That sounds terrible, give her my regards and well wishes."

I was pulled out of my inner musings by a bouncing, pony shaped pink thing next to me.
"Howareyou,i'mdoingfinebutyouwereallmopeyandsadsoIdecidedtowalknexttoyouandtrytotalktoyou,becausemopersarereallyreallydepressedandneedtobecheeredup,soareyoucheeredup?huh,huh,huh?" Asked the eternal sugar high the others called Pinkie Pie.
I forced a cheery smile on my face and said "Yep, never better."
"Good, so how do you like Ponyville?" Pinkie asked.
"It's nice, quaint, even." I replied, happy that she could be coherent at times.
"Have you been to the spa?" Pinkie questioned, "Or the bookstore? Or the market? Or the cafes?"
"No." I said, feeling slightly unnerved.
"So you haven't been around town, yet you call it nice? What logic is that?" She inquired, getting irritated.
"You can't exactly call a place filled with sentient, technicolor talking ponies a 5 star resort." I answered, getting irritated as well.
"But you are looking for the oddest things, the most out of place things. When you stop looking for those things, those dangerous things, you will find we are just the same as you, why..."
At this point I need to stop for a second to tell you that she started singing, not odd, but there was music. God as my witness, there was music from nowhere.
"Life in Equestria shimmers, life in Equestria shiiines, and I know for absolute certain, that everything is certainly fineeeee! There are guppies playing in the water, there are birds singing in the trees, this universe is so gentle and still, can you ever let go? I am sure that you will. Life in Equestria shimmers! Life in Equestria shiiines! And I know for absolute certain, that everything is certainly fineeeee!" she sang, then, as soon as it came, the music was gone.
"Wha-how-you-it-whaat?!" I wondered, bewildered and slightly confused.
"I was just telling you to see what this town has to offer before you make a decision" the pink paradox in front of me said. She then bounced off, muttering something about what a couple of physicians had to do with who she was, leaving me utterly befuddled. I made a mental note to ask Twilight about spontaneous bouts of song as I headed back to the library.

Anything But That
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

Anything But That

After we got back home, things were mostly normal, until one day, I got called by Iron Smith(admittedly not the oddest name here) to the metalshop. He wanted to try out a rifle he made from my descriptions and sketches of BB guns. I'm not stupid, I know that putting a gun into a pony's hooves is insane. Anyways, I was teaching a grey mare to shoot, and soon said "fire at the target." She began wildly firing, I stopped her. "Careful, Derpy. I said at the target, not up it!"
"Sorry sir," she said as she turned around, revealing wall eyes, "doing my best."
"Who made that mare a tester?" I asked incredulously.
"I did, John, she's my cousin." Said another wall eyed mare.
"Who is she?!" I again asked. "A Ditz." Was my reply.
Of course, I can see that, I thought to myself. I then asked, "what's her name?"
"That is her name, John, chief Ditz."
"And her cousin?"
"She's a Ditz too, Sir. Tester's mate, first class, Ms. Ditz."
"How many Ditzes we got in this testing ground, anyway?"
"HI!" Was the answer from most of the ponies on the grounds.
I turned around, and said the only thing I could have. "I knew it, I'm surrounded by Ditzes." I sighed.
"We are a rather large family, sir." Said a, thankfully not walleyed, mare.
-----------a while later------------
"Hey Twilight, I have a question." I yelled to the Allicorn.
"Yes?" Was the answer.
"Do you have census books? Preferably as early as the 560's?"
In the corner by the science section, it seemed. I began tracing the Ditz family back through history, turns out, the family stretches farther than the census can count. And I traced it back to the 100's. As I did this, Twilight trotted up to me and said the dreaded words "you need new clothes."
"WHAAAAAAT! NO! NONONONONO! I refuse to be a mannequin to that psychotic fashion designer you call your friend." I scrambled out of my seat, but was caught in a lavender cloud of magic. I was towed out the door, screaming and fighting all the way. Soon, we got to The Carousel Boutique. A door opened, and the white she-devil cantered out, switching my bonds from lavender to blue as she took control of the magic binding me.
"Thanks, Twilight, I'll take it from here." She said.
"No problem, just don't scare him." She whispered.

--------a few hours later-------

"I hate this, I hate you, and I hate my life." I groused, having a tape measure me from EVERY angle. Controlled by Rarity, of course.
"Oh, hush, you big foal." Rarity snapped at me. I was currently dressed in a pair of boxers, a t-shirt, and socks, but nothing else. I really regretted not fighting more to stay in the library. I was interrupted by a needle poking at me. I looked up, saw the door open, and saw Rarity wielding a massive amount of cloth and pins. I cut my losses and ran. I got back to the library, went inside, looked a god in the eye and told her, in no uncertain terms, that I'm never going back to that psycho, so you can stick that notion of making friends up your arse. She nodded and went back to work.

Why I Hate Gardening Part 1
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

Why I Hate Gardening Part 1

About a month after the "Dress Incident" as I had taken to calling it, Twilight was recalled to Canterlot to prepare for the 1004th Summer Sun Celebration, and her role in the ceremonies. we had bandied around a few names (I wanted to call it George), but we eventually settled on "The Twilight Rainboom." The mare in question had to fly fast enough to create a Sonic Rainboom, But as a star. Yep, you read that right, FLYING. That's exactly like telling a blind man to describe a painting he has never heard of. And she tried, really, she did, but she always furrowed into the ground so deep, an ox would have wept with envy. And Pinkie Pie was no help at all, yelling things like, "Mind the Sky Trenches!" or "land on the lilypad gently." or "Beware the Pork Chops!" The last one made absolutely NO sense whatsoever, so we all ignored it. After Basic Flying 101, The other girls and I headed back to Ponyville to help the Mayor and her odd timekeepr put up the decorations for the town's party, with Equestria's self-proclaimed Premiere Party Pony as head of the Committee of The Party Decorator Force (You will be assimilated, Resistance is Futile, Death to all the lesser parties, the universe reshaped as Pinkie commands, Unlimited Rice Pudding!!! Etcetera, Etcetera, Etcetera.) After about three hours, we finally finished. As everypony trotted and/or bounced back to their residences and sleep, I was caught up in one of the most interesting conversations I have ever had, with the town clockmaker and timekeeper, the aptly named Time Turner. He reminded me of a certain man I'd heard about, but less angry. Time Turner invited me over to his house for dinner, but I politely declined, saying that I had to organize a new shipment of books, which was true. When I got back to my temporary home, I noticed frantic movement and books being thrown around. Then, I noticed the trees, or more accurately plants wound around said house. I ran to the door, opened it, and threw myself inside, closing the door behind me with a neat "click". I lay there, panting, for Celestia knows how long, as the five bearers approached me warily. They still had not gotten all that used to me, Rainbow Dash in particular was almost openly hostile to me, despite everypony else beginning to warm to me. Fluttershy for instance, was helping me figure out the complexities of the monetary system, but I digress. We all agreed to look for a book about what was happening to the town, and were deep in research when a rapidly spinning lavender shape plowed into a stack of books, and a muted "thunk" was heard behind us.

The Statistical Probability Of Returning Home
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

The Statistical Probability Of Returning Home

"Zero to none" the large pony standing in front of me said, "I'm truly sorry, but you cannot ever go home."
My face fell in a spectacular rendition of how bits of icebergs melt in the spring.

A few hours ago---------------------------
"You are going to meet Princess Celestia, so please be on your best behavior." Twilight said, as I rolled my eyes and replied with an equal amount of pleading, "But I only actively tried to destroy the library once, and the others, you reAALLY, should have locked the laboratory door, be glad I was only mixing Windex, or else the tree would be cinders by now." The Windex thing only took place because I wanted to actually see out of the windows, not see a pretty good Rainbow Dash impression on the glass. Twilight, the buzzkill she is, rejected my idea, so I tried to mix some anyways. I must have picked up the chloroform instead of chlorine, because the next thing I remember from that day is having Twilight snuggled up to my chest, softly snoring and lightly twitching. When I woke her up, she randomly hugged me and started crying. Anyways, the train pulls into Canterlot Station(ponies with trains, trains! I mean seriously.). We disembarked, and I was led into a magical version of a metal detector, only they had horns, not wands. After I gave up my watch, on good promise to keep it wound and safe, our group headed into the city proper. I was instantly reminded of The Emerald City, only not green in any way, actually, forget The Emerald City, that was a horrible example. It just wowed me. I was led by the assembled orbital friendship beam spam cannon operators into a very "palace-y" building to wait for the head honcho to see me. We got there at around 10:45 AM.
10:50
"Where are all the hopelessly out of date magazines? This is not a proper waiting room." I complained, to no avail.
11:00
Twilight went first. "Where is Celestia? Perhapsadragongother,orherchariotcrashedintothesideofthemountain,or,or,or..." She started flailing. Then she started to hyperventilate, twitch, and her mane sprung a bit more out of place with each twitch.
11:30
Pinkie was next. The first I noticed, after leaving Twilight a twitching, slowly sobbing wreck, was her mane. It was flat. Usually, Pinkie's mane was a floppy, curly mess, hence the nickname "Floppy Doodle Doo", but now it was straight as a rail, and really long. She opened her mouth, and when she spoke, her voice was devoid of its usual cheer. "What's gonna happen to us? Will we all end up like Twilight? A twitching wreck in a corner?"
"No" I replied, "I won't let that happen." But I was beginning to wonder.
11:34
I was last. The first thing I figured out, was that everything had perceptibly slowed down, next, I felt my eye start twitching. When I was about to go full on insane, the door we had been waiting in front of for the last few hours opened. Time sped up, my eye stopped twitching, and Twilight and Pinkie went back to normal. We entered, and I got my first glimpse of Celestia. She towered above the others, but I was eye to eye with her, maybe she was a few centimetres taller. Her eyes, though, they caught my attention. She looked around 30 in human years, maybe 31, but her eyes were so old it hurt to see so much pain in those eyes. I felt like a fool for asking this, but I soldiered on anyways, "Your Majesty, if I might ask a question of you?" Then I stopped, waiting for an answer. She nodded yes, and I continued, "what are the chances of sending me back to my old life, on Earth?" Her face got really sad, and she spoke, "Zero to none, I'm truly sorry, but you cannot go home."
After my face fell, she added "However, as the walls haven't closed fully yet, I can send letters." I wrote them up, she sent them off, and we left. As we were getting on the train to Ponyville, Twilight suddenly spoke up " thank you. For being so respectful of the Princess." I nodded and sat down on one of the benches in the train. At 1:00 on the dot, as the train began to pull out of the station, I remembered something, "My watch!! Stop the train!!!!!!!"

Religion Is Crap (A.N: I don't think religion is crap, no flames please)
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I'm getting fired at a planet, that's your plan. I get fired at a planet and expected to deal with it

Religion Is Crap (A.N: I don't think religion is crap, no flames please)

Author's Note

Sorry for the short chapter, I need to save this, it's a work in progress, and I hate having to rewrite everything. Thank you in advance for your cooperation and understanding.

Religion Is Crap (A.N: I don't think religion is crap, no flames please)

Picture this, birds tweeting, ponies going about business, it is an all around beautiful day. It went downhill from there. It started with the words "what is your religion like?" Now, to preface, this is one of the biweekly meetings with Sparksters, as I had taken to calling her, and. I actually really liked them. We could talk about almost anything, and we had quite intelligent conversations. So I told her about the three main ones, gave a brief history of each, and touched on any others I could remember. In hindsight, my next question, was a bit aggrandising, so I will take responsiblility for that question, but PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle, being a PRINCESS of FRIENDSHIP, should have been the more mature pony and not responded.