Apple "buck" season

Chapters

Seriously Applejack... not cool
Gay Ponies, euphemisms and awkward conversations
Getting desperate now...
Lucky Unicorns...

Seriously Applejack... not cool

The sun had just risen, although a tad later than usual, Celestia is usually woken up by Luna well before it’s time to make the morning happen. This being the case Celestia went in search of her sister, she wanted an explanation. She went to Luna’s room, but she wasn’t there. “That’s strange. Where could she be?” Celestia asked herself. It was at this point when Luna appeared behind her, panting and trying to speak. “Easy Luna. Take a moment to catch your breath,” she said calmly.
A few seconds and some deep breaths later Luna started to talk coherently. “Celery you gotta-”
Celestia interrupted her, “What did you call me?”
“Oh, err…” she giggled nervously, “It’s a new nick name, I was getting bored of Tia and Celestia is too long and formal, so I thought Celery would be a good one. Well?” Luna asked hopefully.
“It’s… okay, I guess. But if I'm honest I would prefer Tia or something.”
“Oh okay, Something. Anyway, you have to see this,” her voice went serious.
“Why? What is it?” Celestia was worried, very little made Luna so excited or serious like this.
“Well, last night I was watching the Ponies in the Observation Tower.”
“You weren’t wasting your time watching Ponies walking around again, were you?” Celestia facehoofed exhaustedly, Luna seemed to be spending more and more time in the Observation Tower recently.
“Yes.” Celestia tutted as Luna said this. “But I have actually found something… important, for once.”
After a little consideration Celestia sighed, “Alright then, Luna. Show me what you found.” Celestia couldn’t be any less enthused.
Luna smiled and squeaked a little with excitement as she led Celestia to the Observation Tower.

The Observation Tower wasn’t strictly a tower, it was just a large circular room under the Observatory. Celestia had invented it long ago as a way of keeping an eye on any inhabitants of Equestria using magic, it could home in on any Pony or room, as long as you concentrated. There were numerous telescopes around the room, each looking out of a window to get a full view around the Castle and of all the land. All the telescopes were connected to each other through a terminal in the centre which acted a little bit like a holographic projector, but it used magic, this allowed you to control any telescope from one location. And Luna had it focused on a sleeping Applejack.
“Look. Look!” Luna shouted excitedly as she pointed to the image of Applejack sleeping on a bed.
Celestia looked up at the image, and then looked down back at the ground. “What Luna?”
“Well, you know I have always erred on the safe side of caution when it comes to Applejack ever since… you know…”
“Oh yes, I remember. Those poor fillies.”
“I know. How many was it again?”
“Eleven. Seven need extensive therapy.”
“What about the four, I haven’t been kept up to date with this story?
“Those have been omitted.”
“Oh… it was that serious?”
“Do you remember what she did?!”
“Good point. My mind tries to forget the details.”
“If only we all could…” Celestia shuddered as she remembered some of the details.
“But anyway.” Luna was desperately trying to change the topic back to the original. “You see Celery, I became interested in her once again a few months ago at the start of the apple buck season. You see she-”
“Luna! What in the name of me is so important about Applejack sleeping in a bed?” Celestia asked exasperatedly.
“That’s Big Macintosh’s bed.”
“So?"
“Big Mac was there a while ago. Before I came and found you.”
“So?!”
Luna sighed. “I hoped that would have been enough, if I'm honest. Fortunately, although I say that loosely, I took some screen shots.” Luna worked her magic on the screen and brought up some screen shots, and then she turned away quickly, not wanting to see them again.
Celestia went pale, if that was possible for a white Pony, and her mouth dropped open with disgust. She scrolled through them as quickly as possible, slowly recoiling further and further back as each one hit her eyes.
“I know right?” Luna said without looking at her sister, she could tell by the silence what she was thinking. “I threw up like 8 times.” Without looking she turned off the magic screen and slapped her sister back into the room. “What do we do?”
“Err… I don’t know.” Celestia was just staring at where the disturbing pictures had been on display, then she turned her mane on, restoring it from its boring flat pink state to its multicoloured flow. “Turn your mane on, Luna. We need to bring them in.”
“Oh…” she moaned angrily, “But it makes my head itch something awful. Cant I just wait until they get here?”
Celestia considered this for a second, “That would work I guess. Okay, just prepare yourself, we have to determine why this happened. I presume you know.”
“Yep!” Luna sang with pride.
Celestia wrote a letter and sent it off to Sweet Apple Acres.

– A –

Big Macintosh woke up. His head was spinning like mad, he kept his eyes closed, that seemed to help. Pinkie Pie had thrown one of her better parties, all because she had a “No fillies” policy for once, so the drinks were more adult than the usual punch. Big Mac couldn’t remember the last time he drank so much, he also couldn’t remember the previous night. All he knew was that he must have pulled as he could feel somepony next to him in his bed. But he was terrified that, in his drunken state, he had accidentally brought home a colt. So he ran a hoof down the side of the Pony next to him, he could feel it was a mare. He sighed with relief. He didn’t recognise the feel of the Pony next to him, which was unusual for him. He felt her cutie mark, there was three little shapes arranged on her flank, which was very definitive as most only had a single shape. He assumed it was Rarity, he was sure that she was at the party, and he would have recognised Fluttershy from her wings, they were very unique. He started kissing the back of her neck tenderly, but stopped when he heard something that would haunt him forever.
“Mornin’ sugar cube. Not now though, give us a few minutes, Ah need t’ wake up first and then Ah’m all yours,” Applejack’s soft tired voice pierced Big Mac’s ears and echoed in his hung over brain. His eyes shot open as wide as they could, he stopped kissing her instantly and his mouth hung open with shear horror and disgust as he saw the orange coat and blonde mane of his sister. He slowly rolled out of his bed and stepped quietly to the floor. He was drawing very short, very ragged breaths, barely taking in any air as he did. He headed out of the door as quietly as possible, his stomach was full of absolute disgust and a lot of alcohol, it was amazing he hadn’t thrown up yet with the knowledge of him and his sister…
His face remained the same expression of shear revulsion as he walked down the corridor. Apple Bloom jumped out of her room. “Hi ya Big Mac! Did you have fun last night?” Apple Bloom shouted excitedly.
Big Mac ignored her and kept walking, the only acknowledgement to her question was a violent shudder that ran through him. He made it to the stairs, and fell down them.
Granny Smith hobbled through to the foot of the stairs to investigate the crashing noise. “What’s goin’ on here?” she inquired, but she hadn’t made it in time to see Big Mac since he managed to pick himself up and leave the house.
He made it outside and stood still. The crisp fresh air and the beautiful sunshine would normally be a wonderful feeling after a good night’s sleep for Big Mac, but today it had no effect, he barely noticed he was outside. After a moment of reminiscing and trying to remember how it happened, Big Mac threw up, a lot, and collapsed in the newly created pool in front of him. He lay there, he wasn’t sure at all if he was awake or even conscious. A letter spawned out of thin air and landed on his flank. He didn’t react.

– A –

Applejack woke up some time after Big Mac had left, she didn’t have a hangover, she didn’t drink much last night. She was slightly confused as to why she was in Big Mac’s room, but she quickly remembered, and smiled.
She headed downstairs, but not before being intercepted by Apple Bloom. “Hey Sis!”
“Mornin’ Apple Bloom. Did you have fun last night with Granny Smith?”
“Yeah, it was okay.” Her face suddenly lost its childlike glee and was replaced by a more serious one. “What’s up with Big Mac? He seemed awful weird this mornin’.”
Applejack had to hide a smile. “Ah don’t know. He did have a lot to drink last night.”
“Huh?” Apple Bloom sounded confused by Applejack’s reply, she didn’t know how drinking would affect someone so badly, she also didn’t understand alcohol.
“Oh Apple Bloom. Ah sometimes forget that yer still a little filly.”
“Huh?!” Apple Bloom was even more confused than before.
Applejack chuckled warmly and ruffled Apple Bloom’s mane affectionately before continued walking downstairs. She passed Granny Smith. “Mornin’ Granny. Y’alright?”
“Wha…” Granny Smith always had bad hearing. So Applejack headed outside the still open door.
Outside Applejack was greeted by the sight of Big Macintosh, laying face down in a pool of his own alarmingly green vomit, although she seemed oblivious to this. “Mornin’ brother.” Applejack’s voice was like torture in Big Mac’s ears, it just reminded him of the previous night. “Ah’ll tell ya what, Ah haven’t had a night like that in years.” Big Mac didn’t respond. “And Ah know now why they call ya Big Mac,” she emphasised the word ‘big’ and winked at her brother.
Big Mac threw up some more and groaned with pain, Oh Celestia, Why?! His mind screamed at him. He had never felt so horrified in every way, snippets of the previous night flashed in front of his eyes, each one physically pained him across his entire body as he convulsed. Somehow Applejack was ignorant of Big Mac’s pain and physical condition.
Applejack saw the roll of scroll that lay upon the ground by Big Mac. “Hey, what’s this here?” She stooped down to pick it up. Her breath caught Big Mac’s flank and he jerked violently, causing him enough pain to make him wretch a little, although there was nothing more to bring up. Applejack unrolled the scrap of parchment and threw it to the ground so she could read it. “Hm, that’s strange…” Applejack thought of the words for a second and why Celestia would ask this. “Hey, Big Mac!” Now every time Applejack said his name he would always think of what she said earlier about his name. Seeing his unresponsiveness she gave him a short sharp kick to the ribs, this brought him back slightly, he even managed to stand up, but he still couldn’t focus on anything. “Mac, Princess Celestia wants us t’ come t’ the castle immediately, fer some reason.”
Big Mac ceased up, these words penetrated into his mind and rang clear in his head. He could only think that the one sole reason for her summoning them was the incident of last night.

– A –

“Alright Luna, we have some serious business to get down to soon, so just let me do the talking will you?”
Luna sighed exhaustedly, “But I have already told you. You don’t know the circumstances!”
“Now Luna, no need to get in a huff, it’s just that you don’t know the protocol with things like this. Besides, it’s pretty obvious what happened,” Celestia’s calm voice grated against Luna’s mind.
“Okay, sis…” she said defeated.
They headed to the hall where Celestia dealt with the criminals and such. “And turn your mane on.”
“Oh. Do I have to?” Luna said in a pained voice.
“Yes, it’s the whole appearance thing, we have to look regal.”
“But can’t I wait until they get here? It’s so itchy,” Luna pleaded
“You know it takes a while to heat up. Now come on already, they’re nearly here.”
Luna sighed again, “Okay… Celery” Luna smiled at her sister.
“And stop calling me that.”
Luna giggled childishly as she ignited her mane and made it flow.

– A –

Applejack walked into the Grand Hall of Canterlot Castle, and she was in awe of it. She could barely see the ceiling it was that tall. Light spilled in from the tall stain glass windows, creating beautiful patterns on the floor and walls. The hall had rows and rows of pews that stretched back from the front all the way to the door, except they were all empty. Applejack walked through the hall, staring at everything, trying to take it all in. Big Mac, on the other hoof, wasn’t paying attention to anything, it was a feat in itself to get him to the right part of Equestria, let alone into a specific room in a specific castle. He was just staring at the ground, dreading the moment when Celestia would banish him and put him in a dungeon in the place where she banished him.
As they neared the front of the hall, the Princesses Celestia and Luna came into view, they were sitting on their golden and red velvet thrones which were dangerously tall and unprotected, any normal pony would be in danger of falling off, but they were somehow how balancing perfectly. Celestia had the front most throne, which was in the centre, her face the picture of seriousness, she didn’t look like a Pony to mess with today. Luna, however, wasn’t really paying attention, she was playing with her mane, swishing it around and watching it slowly return to its normal position gleefully. Celestia cleared her throat quietly, attracting Luna’s attention who promptly became serious and a little bit menacing.
“Applejack. Big Macintosh. Do you know why you are here?” she announced in her Royal Canterlot Voice which echoed through the cavernous hall.
“Err, actually, yer highness, Ah haven’t got a clue,” Applejack stated, although her face gave her away, she clearly knew but didn’t want to admit it, yet she still didn’t seem ashamed like she should be.
“Thou are here for committing a heinous crime of lying with thy kin.”
“What?” Applejack was confused by her choice of words.
Celestia sighed aggressively in her Royal Canterlot Voice, which was impressively loud, “You slept… with your brother!” Celestia shouted in disgust, her Royal Canterlot Voice amplified it and made the windows shake.
“Celery, Calm down,” Luna whispered.
“STOP. CALLING. ME-.” She stopped herself from shouting anymore and took a few deep breaths before continuing, “Sorry Luna, but please, stop calling me Celery,” she whispered back to her sister.
“Okay, Celestia. I promise. Now let’s get on with this.”
She turned back to the Apples, “Now Applejack, do you know why you’re here?”
“Well no, actually. ‘Cause sleepin’ with yer brother ain’t a crime is it?” Applejack argued.
“No, it’s always been a crime.”
“Well how was Ah t’ know?”
“It’s pretty common knowledge that you’re not supposed to do that.”
“Oh… well Ah apologise.” Applejack bowed her head with shame, although you could see in her eyes that she wasn’t really sorry for it. “But, your highness,” Applejack stood up again and faced Celestia, “It’s not our faults, we had a lot to drink last night.”
“Bollocks!” Luna shouted angrily, rewarded by an evil stare from her sister.
“Luna. You’re a Princess. You should not use that kind of language in front of your subjects,” Celestia was more shocked and humoured than angry, she never heard Luna speak like that before.
Luna started blushing. “Sorry Celerrrrrrstia.”
“Good save,” Celestia whispered with a wink.
“But as I was saying, Applejack.” Luna stared a dagger or two at the orange Earth Pony. “I know that Big Mac drank a lot, that’s obvious. But you! Yyoouu…” she pointed an accusing hoof at her. “You drank next to nothing. And you were feeding him drink like there was no tomorrow.”
“What?! That is a lie!” Applejack was insulted.
“No it’s not. I also know what you’ve been doing over the past few weeks.”
“What?” Applejack’s eyes darted side to side nervously.
Luna stood from her throne and slowly descended the staircase down to the floor, talking as she went. “You see, my dear friend Applejack, I like to keep an eye on the Pony folk of Equestria, which I can do, thanks to magic,” her voice was eerie, she seemed very unlike herself for once. “I have an observation room in the Castle, and I have had my eye on you, my little Pony, ever since that incident at the orphanage.”
“What incident?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot that mental block you can have. Lucky you… but anyway. I have been watching you ever since the start of the apple buck season.” By now Luna had reached the bottom of the stairs and was circling the accused. “And I know that this was all. Your. Fault.” As she reached the last word she was looking at Applejack, with eyes that screamed I'm going to kill you, whether or not that was what she was going for.
“What?” Applejack laughed nervously, “You’d better have some hard evidence to back up this accusation.” Applejack glared at Luna.
“Oh, I was hoping you’d say that.” Luna’s voice was uncharacteristically dark. “Celestia, come down here.” She waved a hoof at Celestia, beckoning her down.
Celestia jumped and elegantly flew down, landing next to her sister. “What are you doing Luna?” Celestia whispered, slightly nervous.
“Don’t worry. She wants evidence, so I’ll give her some,” Luna whispered back. She turned to address all of them, “Now, I will take you on a journey through time.”
“What?!” said the other three ponies in unison, even Big Mac, although his contribution was considerably quieter than the other two.
“Not really though,” Luna added quickly after seeing their reactions. “You see, when I was on the moon, I had a lot of spare time, seeing as I was there for 1000 years.” Her final words were said angrily at the thought of her banishment. But after a few calming breaths she continued. “I developed a keen imagination, and the ability to create worlds. I also learnt how to expand these worlds into the real one, creating a much more real experience for everypony involved. So everypony, please. Are you sitting comfortably?” The other Ponies looked to each other and all shrugged in perfect synchronisation. “Good. Then I shall begin…”

Luna shut her eyes with deep concentration. Her horn started to glow with a mysterious white aura, unusual for her as it was usually blue. It didn’t glow evenly either, it started at the base and then made its way up. The room went dark. Her horn glowed more and more as the four Ponies were encircled within a whirlwind of white magic, with Luna at the centre. Her horn was entirely white now with such a powerful magic it scared Celestia. The room started to disappear, fizzing out of existence in clouds of mist which then joined the swirling tumult of air. The room was now completely obscured from view in the whirlwind of magic. Luna finished mumbling an incantation and started floating in the air, rising higher and higher into the vortex. She opened her eyes, they glowed brighter than her horn. And then, as some symbols of an ancient language which Celestia didn’t recognise flashed around them, a high pitch whine pierced their ears. And if this noise wasn’t unbearable enough, it was accompanied by a blinding light forming around Luna, which blinded them. Luna was now completely invisible due to the ball of pure light that enveloped her. This ball expanded and took the other Ponies in its powerful embrace. Celestia was scared.

– A –

Their eyes were blinded by the intense light, so it took a little while to recover. After the cloak of visionlessness was lifted from her, the first thing Celestia saw was a smiling Luna who stared at her sister with a triumphant look in her eye. “Hi Celery!”
“Where did you learn that kind of magic?” Celestia was in awe of the amazing feat of magic her little sister had preformed, one that Celestia could only dream of doing. Sure, she could raise the sun, but she was in what she could only assume was Luna’s imagination.
“You’d be surprised by what’s on the moon.”
Celestia walked around cautiously, scared to step off the ground where she was stood. “Where are we?”
“This, my obviously envious sister, is my imagination.”
“Really?” Celestia was in disbelief, she never thought this was possible.
“Yep!” she said with a sense of justified smugness.
Celestia looked around, it wasn’t very interesting, it was a white dome that was swirling slowly around them, for somepony who had 1000 years on the moon to practice, her imagination is boring, frankly, Celestia thought. “Why is it so… dull?” she put her thoughts into disappointed words.
“Well, silly Celery, I haven’t imagined anything yet. Just you wait until those other two wake up.” She pointed a hoof at Big Mac and Applejack, both of which were unconscious. “That’s the one bad thing about Earth ponies: they can’t handle ridiculous amounts of magic like Pegasususususes, let alone Unicorns or Alicorns.”
“How long should they be out for?”
“How should I know? This is the first time I have ever brought anyone with me into my imagination. If I'm honest I wasn’t sure you were going to survive with your minds intact.”
“That’s pretty risky, Luna.”
“Says you. How did you even know I would survive on the moon, ay? I mean, come on, losing your mind slightly isn’t as bad as using your life slightly,” Luna spoke sourly at her sister, she was clearly still sore about the whole moon-banishment thing.
“Luna, this isn’t the time for that now. Besides, I have apologised countless times for that. I know it’s not enough but I'm trying.”
“I know Celery. But it’s hard, y’know. One day I will forgive you, I hope.”
A groan came from behind the two sisters which made them spin round to see the source of it. It was Big Mac struggling to his feet. “Am ah… dead?” his voice was sounded oddly hopeful.
“Nope, you’re just in my mind.”
“Eeee-what?”
Applejack woke up, swaying slightly, the magic surge must affect smaller Ponies worse, Luna deducted. “Ah, Applejack. I see you’re awake. And before you ask, you’re in my mind.”
“Wha?” her dreary voice spoke confusedly.
“Now that you’re all awake, let’s get on with the show.” Luna turned away and shut her eyes to concentrate, but quickly stopped as she remembered something important. “Actually, before I start, I should probably tell you about what’s happening. Well, now that we’re all in one mind I can use your brain power to help rebuild memories in time. It’s a bit like time travelling but much less complicated. Basically we will be in a virtual world, an augmented reality if you prefer, but this means we will be nothing but observers, only visible to ourselves. We can’t change anything or do anything to alter time, since we can’t touch anything, we will pass through stuff like ghosts. Also, this will be completely accurate, to 100%, as it is a memory of time itself and all. Do you understand?”
“Not really,” the other Ponies spoke together, Celestia seemed very embarrassed that her sister knew more of this sort of thing than her.
Luna facehoofed and then decided to simplify her explanation. “Fine. We are… time travelling ghosts who can only watch, not do. Is that any better?” Luna’s fellow intrepid time re-creators nodded in acknowledgement, although Celestia still had a question.
“Why did we have to come inside your head? Couldn’t we have done this in the real world?”
“Not a chance. We needed the room to recreate the world we live in and at its proper scale so it would work, so that’s only possible if we collectively imagine it, rather than destroy the present world we’re in. Also, if we weren’t all in either one of our heads we couldn’t view the timeline we want, since these two are Earth Ponies and are not magical, so we need all our minds in one place just so we can access the relevant time memories. Did that answer your question?”Celestia nodded sheepishly. “Alright then. Let’s get this show on the road!”

Luna’s horn started to glow again, and so did Celestia’s, which she found strangely involuntary, as if Luna was controlling her. Applejack and Big Mac were moved around against their will, getting into positions which they didn’t mean to, both of them seemed to be in the position for bucking an apple tree. They froze, unable to move from bucking positions, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t even struggle. They were terrified at this feeling of complete immobility and bodily uncontrollability.
Now that they were locked into place she could work on the rest of the spell. She had to use the combined magic of both her and her sister but she managed it. Slowly but surely, the land of Equestria began to fill in the blankness, spreading out from the feet of the two Earth Ponies. Outlines of shape were drawn in first, then they were filled in by colour, layer upon layer of different colours, building up into the world they know and love. After a surprisingly short time, the entirety of Equestria, well sweet Apple Acres anyway, was created with perfect realism. After all, it was a time memory. Luna sank as her spell was finished, it was exhausting, she started panting heavily with the loss of energy. Celestia was in the exact same condition, but it was worse for her as Luna put all the effort in but shared the exertion, so Celestia had no clue why she felt like that exactly. Luna looked around nervously, she had never preformed such a spell in her life, but she didn’t dare tell her sister out of fear for how she would react. Celestia was not a Pony to get angry. Luna looked around at the world in her head, it was an exact copy of Equestria, in fact it was Equestria, from a different time. But as Luna looked, there was something wrong. There were birds in the sky, but they weren’t moving. Trees showed signs of the wind blowing but it could not be felt. All was still and silent. Luna was scared that she might have just broke reality.
Celestia recovered from her lack of energy enough to ask Luna a question. “Did it work?” Luna’s silence spoke volumes. “Oh me, what did you do wrong, Luna?” she was far too exhausted to be angry.
Luna looked around terrified, trying to see some hope that proved that she didn’t potentially destroy time. But fortunately, for all the Ponies, she saw Applejack and Big Mac speed up from a standstill. The two farm Ponies could feel their legs kick back in slow motion, and by the time they had both struck their respective trees with their powerful hind legs, time had resumed a normal flow and both of them fell out of their bodies and became mere ghosts like Celestia and Luna.

Luna, suddenly reenergised, jumped in the air victoriously. “Yes! I knew that would work!”
“What do you mean by that Luna?” Celestia cocked an eyebrow as she said this, she knew full well that Luna didn’t know what she was doing, but she didn’t care.
“Err… nothing! But isn’t this amazing!” she span around to take in the sights and the sounds and the smells. “This is Equestria in a different time! And look! We managed to leap into two separate timelines at once!” Luna squealed with excitement. “I love Quantum Leaping.”
“What?”
“That’s what I have decided to call this process. You leap into someone’s timeline and can then observe it from that point onwards until you reach the time you leapt from.”
The Apple family walked over to the Princesses. “Alright, now what do we do?” Applejack’s tone was a mix of impatience and eagerness.
“Now,” Luna announced, “We go and prove that you…” Luna pointed a hoof accusingly at Applejack, she could hardly be believe what she was about to say next, “You seduced your own brother.”

Gay Ponies, euphemisms and awkward conversations

Meanwhile, in the imaginary version of Equestria from a few months ago inside Princess Luna’s head, Applejack is angry. “Ah’m telling y’all. Ah. Did not. Seduce. Mah brother!” she roared at Luna.
“Applejack. I know you did. Now just let me prove it to you then we can go home,” Luna said reassuringly.
Applejack glared at her for a few seconds before conceding. “Alright then Luna, go ahead and try t’ prove me wrong,” her voice implied that she was defeated.
“Thank you. Now let’s get going.” Luna turned to perform a little bit more magic but was interrupted by Celestia.
“Hang on a minute,” Celestia said, waving hoof at her sister. “I'm really confused.”
“By what?!” Luna was fed up now and wanted to get a move on.
“So, we are in an imaginary world, which is in fact a real world, but is still inside your imagination. But this world isn’t real, it’s a memory… of time, which you recreated in your head, but you needed us to… access the right timelines, in order to make this world real, which it isn’t, and to show us what we need.”
“Precisely!”
Celestia stared blankly at her younger sister.
Luna sighed. “Oh Celery. You are just getting bogged down in the details and timey-wimey stuff. Think of it this way…” Luna pondered for a second a way of dumbing it down even further, “This... is… complicated…” Luna scratched her head, both because she was deep in thought and because her mane was itchy. “Okay, we are going to watch Big Mac and Applejack from a few months ago and there is nothing more to it. Is that any better?” she asked Celestia.
“Why couldn’t you have just said that in the beginning?”
“The details made it sound more interesting than just watching some Ponies.”
Celestia tilted her head back and forth in agreement. “Okay then, as you were.” She waved a hoof at Luna, who instantly began to do some magic.
“Okay Ponies! We are going to jump forward a day or two. We only came here as a starting point, the Ponies in question needed to be in easy places and close to each other and this worked. So no more dawdling, let’s get going.” Luna sparked up her horn and the world they were in fast forwarded 3 days in total, and were suddenly in Big Mac’s room, just as he woke up. “Oh yeah, we will be following Big Mac around mostly, since it explains a lot more. Now let’s watch,” Luna whispered eagerly as the past Big Mac started to stir from sleep.

– A –

Big Mac was waking up after a good night’s sleep, dreading another day of hard work. He shut his eyes again, hoping he could get some more sleep before he was actually needed, but this was unsuccessful thanks to a large crash coming from Apple Bloom’s room behind his head, accompanied with a small voice saying, “oops”. This noise shocked him awake and he grudgingly got up, he thought he should check on her. He fell out of bed with a thud and struggled to his hooves with a weary grunt. He yawned loud as he stretched his various limbs before walking out of his room. He walked the short distance to Apple Bloom’s room, swaying tiredly with every yawning step. He pushed her door open and saw the mess that was caused by a bookcase crushing a wicker laundry hamper, books and pink bows were flung all over the floor, but more importantly Apple Bloom was nowhere to be seen. Big Mac stood in the door way for a second, surveying the scene, trying to catch a glimpse of the small filly. He was suddenly worried for he thought she could have got trapped under the bookcase, so he swiftly went and lifted it up, his tired body not affecting his strength at all. But as the bookcase was shifted and there was no Apple Bloom, Big Mac became incredibly confused, there was nowhere else she could be hiding. Not even the underside of the bed hid her, and the window was also locked shut. He turned to walk out again, thinking that she must have just gone downstairs for breakfast, but a creaking from the rafters drew his attention. He looked up.
“What the B-!” he stopped before he swore in front of his sister, for she was stood on the rafters, wearing some old flight goggles that Rainbow Dash had left there once, with a set of what looked like homemade glider wings strapped to her back.
“Hey Big Mac! D’ya have a nice sleep?” Apple Bloom spoke with childish glee.
“Apple Bloom! What are ya doing?!”
What? Do you mean that?” She pointed her hoof at the mess on the floor, nearly losing her balance and falling off. “Yeah, sorry if Ah woke ya. But Ah had to climb up her to test mah wings!” she said proudly.
“Yer… wings?”
“Ye-huh! Ah made ‘em mahself! D’ya like ‘em?” she smiled hopefully.
“YOU made ‘em?” Big Mac doubted her, they seemed far to advanced for such a young filly, far too complex for even Twilight Sparkle, he thought.
“Yep! Open the window and Ah’ll show yer.”
“No,” he said sternly. “Ah don’t want ya hurtin’ yourself.”
“Ah won’t hurt mahself, Ah promise. Besides, Ah did all the calculations, mah trajectory from her t’ the window an’ outside will set me into a nice smooth glide.”
Big Mac looked around, on a little black board were some complex calculations involving wind resistance, gravity, acceleration due to free fall and other science-y things. Big Mac approved of the calculations as they looked far too complicated to be wrong. He shot her a thoughtful glance.
“C’mon Big Mac, please!” Apple Bloom put on the sad eyes which no one could resist and so Big Mac had to open the window for her. Apple Bloom beamed with excitement as she was about to test her invention. She lowered the goggles over her eyes and prepared to jump, raising her flank to get maximum drive. Big Mac took a step back and prepared to watch something amazing. Apple Bloom pushed her body forward and ju-

“Excuse me!” Applejack roared at Luna. “HOW is this relevant?”
“Hm?” Luna was so engrossed by watching Apple Bloom fly she barely noticed Applejack. But, grudgingly, she paused it as Apple Bloom made it out of the window. “What?”
“Apple Bloom flying. It’s not relevant at all!”
“But… it’s so cute!” Luna pleaded, she loved Apple Bloom, she found her to be one of the cutest little Ponies around. But with a glare from Applejack, Luna sighed. “Fine.” Luna lit her horn and fast forwarded a little bit.

rkle.” Big Mac started trotting out of the farm and towards Ponyville to visit a certain Unicor

“Sorry,” Luna apologised, “Too far.” Luna lit her horn and went back a few minutes. “That should do it.”

ac placed the brown thing around his neck and left the farmhouse, wondering out loud why in Equestria he wore that thing when it just weighed him down. He was interrupted by Apple Bloom landing next to him.
“That was so cool!” Apple Bloom beamed as she bound around Big Mac. He was about to speak to her but she was already running off shouting about going to show the other Crusaders. Big Mac chuckled warmly as he continued his walk to today’s apple orchard.

Applejack was already there waiting for Big Mac. “Hey sis, ya ready?”
Applejack didn’t reply.
“Err… AJ?” He walked up to her and gently nudged her shoulder, causing her to jump violently.
“Oh, it’s just you.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, Ah’m fine. I'm just a bit…” she stopped mid-sentence.
“AJ?” Big Mac prodded her again, and again she jumped.
“Oh, sorry Big Mac.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Big Mac was concerned, Applejack was usually so much more eager to get started. “D’ya think ya should stay home? I can handle a day on mah own.”
“Nah, Ah’ll be fine.” She waved her hoof in a confident way, waving off any concern. “C’mon brother, let’s get to work!”
Big Mac trotted onto the orchards, talking to Applejack as he did, only to realise she was still standing in the same spot as before. Big Mac walked back over to her, the same curious expression staying with him as he approached. He was now right against her, looking her over to see if anything was wrong with her. He stopped and stared right into her eyes, which remained completely vacant, even when his face was perilously close to hers. He decided that she was in no state to work, so he work his way under her so she was over his back and he carried her into the farmhouse, where he dropped her off in the living room. She was completely lacking in any mental capabilities so she fell to the floor, the only movement was her blinking her eyes and her chest moving up and down as she breathed.
Big Mac watched her for a second, just to make sure she was actually breathing. He furrowed his brow, deep in thought. “Hmph. Ah think Ah better go see Twilight Sparkle.” Big Mac started trotting out of the farm and towards Ponyville to visit a certain Unicorn.

– A –

Big Mac walked into the Library and looked around for the purple Unicorn. He walked through to her study, where he saw her, lounged on a beanbag reading a book with her new reading glasses on, they were a simple square black frame glasses. Big Mac’s heart jumped as he saw her and a smile instantly sprang to his face, with a strange familiar feeling in his stomach.
“Hey Twilight.” He tried to wipe the smile off his face but couldn’t.
“Oh,” Twilight jumped and span round on the beanbag. “Hi Big Mac. I didn’t hear you come in.” She smiled politely, but then she remembered her glasses and quickly took them off, blushing afterwards as if she was ashamed off them. “What can I do for you?”
“Ah need some advice Twi.”
Twilight stood up and walked quickly over to Big Mac, her face becoming more serious. “What’s wrong?” her voice became very worried.
“It’s Applejack,” Big Mac sighed.
“Oh my Celestia. What’s wrong with Applejack?”
“I don’t know.”
“Huh?” Twilight lost the concern from her voice.
“She’s acting… weird.”
“How is she?”
“She seems… distracted.”
“That doesn’t sound too much of a problem.”
“Can you come and check on her? Ya know me, Ah couldn’t tell what’s wrong if the problem walked up to me and slap me round the face.”
“Okay, I’ll come and see her. Wouldn’t hurt just to have a look.”
“Thanks Twilight. Ah appreciate it.”
“No problem whatsoever. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help when asked?” Twilight bookmarked her page in the book and started to walk out the Library, Big Mac watched her walk away for a second, transfixed on her flank. But he quickly shook his attention back and followed her out of the library.

Back at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack had managed to sit up, but still wore the same vacant expression.
“Hello?” Twilight called through the open front door. She walked inside cautiously with Big Mac following closely.
“She was in the living room, when Ah left her.”
Twilight nodded and walked into the living room. She saw Applejack sitting up in the centre of the room. “Hey Applejack, how are you?” she asked softly, gently placing her hoof onto Applejack’s.
Applejack jumped slightly as she felt Twilight’s hoof on her and made a very short, very quiet intake of breath.
Twilight smiled, she knew exactly what was up with her. She removed her hoof and delicately placed it instead on her cheek, all the while with the knowing smile on her face. Applejack made the same response as before, confirming Twilight’s theory. Twilight giggled and she stood up again, walking back to Big Mac. She stopped in front of him, her mind working furiously to think of how to do this subtly to the colt who wouldn’t know subtlety if it came up and shaved itself in his flank.
“What’s up Twi?”
“Err…” Twilight started blushing. “When was the last time Applejack… y’know?”
Big Mac stared at her, his silence spoke volumes.
“Ah…” Twilight still tried to go for subtlety. “You know… when she last…” Twilight winced with the effort of coming up with euphemism, “… had… sex,” she said with a sigh of defeat.
Big Mac was taken aback by this. “Well you don’t beat around the bush do you?” he said with slight disgust.
Twilight was lost in thought for a brief second, thinking how that might have worked, but she quickly came back. “Sorry but we would have been here forever if I didn’t try to beat the bush. But anyway, do you know?”
“Of course not!” Big Mac was slightly insulted. “We wouldn’t dream o’ talking about that sort o’ thing!” (Celestia laughed at the irony).
“Well I'm sorry for asking. But I was just wondering, because I know what’s wrong with her.”
“Really? You do?” Big Mac asked hopefully.
Twilight facehoofed. “How do you not know where I'm going with this?” Big Mac shook his head. “Eurgh. She has some… needs to be filled.” She quickly added after remembering Big Mac, “She needs a colt to…” Twilight couldn’t believe she had to be so blunt with somepony, “to have sex with her.”
Big Mac blushed, he hadn’t known awkwardness like this. “Ah… see…” he stared at Twilight for a second. “But what am Ah supposed to do about that?”
“I’ve seen plenty of colts around town. I'm sure many would be more than happy to oblige,” Twilight said with a sly smile.
“So what do Ah do?”
“Go ask some Ponies if they want to sleep with your sister!” she shouted angrily, but she faltered as she reached the end of the sentence.

“I think that’s enough of today. Big Mac did not much else that day. And I’d rather not see what Applejack does again.”Luna shuddered with the thought while Applejack chuckled at the memory. Luna lit her horn and everything fast forwarded a few more days.

– A –

alked into Ponyville, he thought he should probably follow Twilight’s advice and go find a colt for his sister. Applejack had managed to regain some concentration and had even managed to buck some apple trees, although it totalled about a quarter of what she could do in three hours spread over two days. Big Mac’s first stop, McHoofery’s Pub, the most popular drinking hole in all of Ponyville and some other nearby settlements, it may have only been midday but there were still a number of patrons inside.
Big Mac ventured in, he was met by the usual friendly cheer of Irish McHoofery, the landlord, Big Mac knew him quite well, partly due to him providing him with high quality cider but mostly due to Big Mac being a frequent visitor.
“Helloo Big Macintosh, I haven’t seen ye here in a while.”
“Hi Irish, it’s been too long.”
“Aye, it has hasn’t it? But anywhoo, what can I get fer ye?”
“Nothing right now Irish, I'm just lookin’ for somepony.”
“Ookay Mac, if ye change yer mind, you know where I am.”
“Thanks Irish.” Irish went back to serving the other thirsty Ponies at the bar.

Big Mac saw a potential colt, he didn’t just want to ask anypony, he wanted to make sure that the colt was the right choice. The colt in question was a particularly slender one, could have been mistaken for a mare at a glance, but it definitely was a colt. He was black in colour, completely black, from mane to hoof, even his eyes were black.
Big Mac awkwardly took the stool next to the colt. “Err… hi there,” his voice was very erratic, breaking as he spoke with the nerves.
“Oh hello sailor,” said the colt in a very camp voice.
Big Mac gave him a curious look before speaking again. “Err… what’s your name?”
“I'm Pink Dancer. And you’re Big Macintosh. I’ve seen you in here before, and you looked like you could have used some company.” Pink slid closer to Big Mac.
“Listen… Ah know this might be strange coming from a stranger and all.”
“Oh you’re no stranger to me Big,” he said with a chuckle.
“Err… right. But anyway, Ah was wonderin’… if you could do ma favour.”
“What did you have in mind?” Pink said suggestively.
“Well… err…” Big Mac uttered as he tried to think of a subtle way to put it.
Another colt, green in colour, walked beside Pink and sat down, throwing his mane back as he did. “Hey you. Who’s your new friend?” he said excitedly.
“Hi. You don’t know? This is Big Mac.”
“Oh I bet he is,” the green colt winked at the oblivious Big Mac.
“Um… hi.” Big Mac held out a hoof, the green colt shook it daintily.
“Hi Big Mac, I'm Cream Puff.”
“Big Mac was asking for a favour,” Pink informed Cream.
“OO was he now? I wonder what it could be...” Both Cream and Pink shared an immature and licentious giggle.
“Well… ya see… Ah was wondering… if y’all wanted t’…” Big Mac trailed off at the end of his sentence, all he could notice was the strange way in which the two colts were looking at him as Cream rubbed a hoof over Pink’s flank. Big Mac was transfixed, his mind doing back flips as he tried to process the situation. Eventually he managed to break his gaze and quickly turned it to his other side. “Err… are you two… err…” he said without looking.
“What?”
“Ya know…”
“Oh! You mean this?”
Big Mac turned round, and regretted it, he saw the two of them kissing passionately. It displeased him, it wasn’t that he didn’t like gay colts, but he didn’t like them doing it in his face.
“Err… Ah guess yes.”
“So, what was that favour you wanted?” Pink asked as he pulled away from Cream. “Maybe we could… help,” he said with a wink.
“Err… no, that’s okay.” Big Mac got up to leave.
“Are you sure? I'm sure we would love to help you out. Isn’t that right Cream?”
“Oh yes. I’d love to help.”
“Sorry fellas, but this problem calls fer a straight colt,” Big Mac started backing away slowly.
“Going converting I see. Well, maybe we can pretend for a night?” Pink shot a mischievous look at Cream who returned it at an equal strength.
“No thanks.” Big Mac could feel sweat starting to trickle down his forehead as he was growing more nervous. He turned and quickened his pace.
“If you ever change your mind, you know where to find us,” the two colts said together with an effeminate laugh.

Big Mac walked away quickly, trying to hide his awkwardness but failing miserably, pointed out by the fact by the two colts agreeing strongly with each other that Big Mac was “deep in the closet”, they went on to say how they would like Big Mac to be “deep in their closets” and decided to leave shortly after.
Big Mac walked around the side of the bar, where there were a number of tables and quite a few Ponies enjoying a drink. He continued his search for a suitable colt for his sister, just thinking about his task made him feel incredibly uneasy. He looked around the place, there were a few mares in one corner chatting amongst themselves, a few colts dotted around the place but none of whom Big Mac found acceptable. There was one colt, however, that caught his eye. He was dark brown, with a white mane hidden under a wide hat. Big Mac approached him, but stopped as another colt beat him to it and sat down enthusiastically beside the first, and kissed him on the lips briefly before the two colts smiled, they were a good looking couple, they seemed to genuinely care for each other, unlike Pink and Cream. Big Mac stood confused for a second, looking at these two colts, he wasn’t sure what to think. Big Mac turned around to look at the other colts, his confusion only grew as he saw each one paired up with one another, none of the others were kissing but they were holding hoofs, stroking each others faces, or even just looking at each other with longing eyes. As he looked further he also noticed that there were no pairings of mixed gender. “Have Ah been comin’ to a gay bar all this time?” he asked himself in a hushed voice, fortunately nopony overheard him. Big Mac started to back away again, he was heading back to the bar. He stopped at one end, making sure he was out of sight to Pink and Cream, and called Irish over.
“Hey, Irish.”
“Yes Big Mac?” he said in his friendly Irish accent.
“Has this… always been… a gay bar?”
“What? No! No. Whatever be giving ye that idea?”
“It’s just that… are there any straight Ponies in this ‘ere place?”
Irish looked around, a strange revelation hitting him. “I don’t think so chap. I’ve never noticed before but there are a lot of colt-cuddlers in here.” Irish looked off as he recollected his thoughts. “I tell ye what. I'm not ever sure if I’ve ever had a straight colt come in here. Is this a hotspot for gay Ponies then?” he asked himself, trying to think of ways to use this to his advantage.
Big Mac sighed happily, the knowledge that his favourite pub not being a gay bar was incredibly relieving. “See ya Irish,” Big Mac said in a defeated voice, he wasn’t quite sure where else to find somepony for his sister, he was certain that McHoofery’s would have been the place.
“Bye Big Mac. Hope t’ sees ye again soon!” Irish shouted after him excitedly.
Big Mac waved and left. His next stop would be the market, he guessed. Although he wasn’t sure at all who would be there.

– A –

“So Big Macintosh was trying to find somepony fer me?” Applejack said with great admiration for her brother. “Ah never would have thought he would even consider helping me out in that way.”
“You’d better believe it!” Luna said. “He talked to everypony to see if they would or not. He was getting quite worried towards the end.”
“Really?” Applejack spoke in an airy voice.
“It’s a real shame he didn’t succeed.” Luna sighed. “But anyway, let’s fast forward to this evening.” Luna lit her horn and accelerated a few hours.

– A –

Big Mac walked into the Library, he felt incredibly down beat, he had been walking around for hours and still he hadn’t found anypony for his sister. He really wanted to see a friendly face.
“Twilight?” he called through the Library, his voice very tired and upset.
Twilight appeared from her study, her face red for some reason. “Hey Big Mac. Any luck?”
Big Mac sighed and shook his head.
“Really? What a shame.”
“Ah really tried as well.” Big Mac walked further into the Library and fell onto a beanbag chair. “Ah went everywhere. McHoofery’s, Sugar Cube Corner, the Market, everywhere! And still Ah find nopony!”
“Really? Not a single colt?”
“Well… no, Ah found lots. Let’s see…” Big Mac thought hard about who he spoke to. “There was… Pink Dancer and Cream Puff. Jovial Hooves. Meadow Frolic. Whimsical. Fudge Packer. Flank Bandit. And even Blatant Homosexual, of all Ponies I wouldn’t have expected him!”
“Expected him as what?”
“Gay. They are all gay!”
“Really? Blatant is gay?” Twilight was very surprised
“Eee-yup. He even came ont’ me.”
“Wow. He always seemed so… confident… at… things…” Twilight blushed.
“Is there a single straight colt in Ponyville besides me?” Big Mac became annoyed.
Twilight was lost in thought for a second, a sudden realisation struck her. “You know… I don’t think there is. This would explain the high ratio of mares to colts in Ponyville…”
“It’s annoying isn’t it?”
“It shouldn’t be for you. You get the pick of the mares!”
Finally, some subtlety that Big Mac understood, his mood instantly improved. “That’s a good way o’ lookin’ at it.”
Twilight giggled, and stepped closer to Big Mac. “I don’t suppose there’s any mare… in here… that takes your fancy?” Twilight cocked an eyebrow, she was now beside Big Mac, her face right against his.
“Err…” was all Big Mac could say as he saw the beautiful purple eyes suggesting something desirable. Twilight rolled him over onto his back and sat over him. She slowly slid down his body and started to caress his p-

“Okay. This is just getting weird!” Luna quickly paused the scene. “Would anypony mind if I skip the sex scene?” Luna asked, although she was going to ignore any answers and do it anyway. She looked at the other Ponies standing behind her, they were sharing awkward glances indicating that they would mind. Luna expected this of the two Earth Ponies, but her sister as well?!
“Seriously Celery? SERIOUSLY?!”
Celestia smiled as she tried to hide a laugh.
Luna sighed an angry sigh. “I can’t believe you lot,” she scoffed as she lit her horn and skipped to the next morning.

– A –

t was the next morning in the Library. Big Mac woke up on the bean bag chair with Twilight lying next to him with a hoof on his chest. He smiled and shifted into a more comfortable position.
Twilight stirred a little and woke up. “Hey Big Mac,” she said with added emphasis on the word big, making Big Mac smile even greater. (Whereas the observing Big Mac winced as he remembered his own sister doing something similar with his name.)
“Mornin’ Twilight,” Big Mac said with added emphasis on the word Twi, making Twilight giggle at him.
“Did ya enjoy last night?” Twilight said happily as she nestled herself closer to Big Mac. “ ‘cos I sure did!”
“Ah sure did. Ah needed that.” He pulled Twilight closer to him. “What time is it?”
“About half six. Why?”
“Damn it. Ah need t’ go an’ get buckin’ some apple trees,” he said wearily as he tried to stand up, but Twilight kept him down.
“Do you really need to go now?”
“Ah do, Applejack will kill me if Ah’m late.”
“A few more minutes couldn’t hurt, could it?”
Big Mac saw her scruffy yet appealing mane and the look in her eyes. “Ah don’t see why not.”

Luna and the other observing Ponies watched, remarking at how strange it looked when Luna sped up the next few minutes to end in 10 seconds flat. It wasn’t very pretty, to say the least.

“Ah’ll se ya later Twilight!” Big Mac shouted over his shoulder as he left the Library.
“See… you… later…” Twilight said through gasps of air as she lay on the bean bag trying to recover. Big Mac picked up the pace as he headed back to Sweet Apple Acres.

To his surprise, Applejack was already up, bucking the apple trees. She had regained a significant amount of motivation somehow.
“HEY! Applejack!” Big Mac shouted as he galloped the last bit up to the orchards and stopped beside Applejack. “Ah see you’ve got yer groove back.”
“Ah sure have!” Applejack said happily. She walked over to Big Mac and gave him a sisterly kiss on the cheek. “Did ya have fun out last night?” she said in a knowing fashion.
It took a short while for him to reply, Applejack’s kiss was perfectly innocent but it was so very uncharacteristic of her and he became incredibly confused. “Err… yeah, Ah had a good night. Ah saw Twilight.”
“Oh Ah bet ya did,” she said with a wink.
Big Mac was surprised to see Applejack talking like that, usually they avoided this topic of conversation with a passion.
“So what did ya do with Twilight last night? Or should Ah ask, what did you do to her?”
If Big Mac had been drinking a drink at that moment he would have spat it out. “What?!”
“Alright then, if ya don’t wanna talk about it Ah ain’t gonna force ya. Ah bet yer had enough of forcing for a while haven’t ya?” Applejack said with a suggestive smile.
Big Mac froze, he was sure this was some kind of euphemism but his mind didn’t seem to get it, which he was incredibly grateful for. “Err… should we get some buckin’ done then?” he said trying to get the conversation off that topic.
“Ah thought yer’d never ask!” she said as walked up next to him, brushing her flank against his before moving passed and into the orchard.
Big Mac froze again, his mind doing back flips as he tried to process the situation. That was weird, he thought.

The two Ponies went off to buck some apple trees.

Getting desperate now...

Meanwhile, in the imaginary world of Equestria inside Princess Luna’s head, Applejack is happy.
“So ya did all that work… for me?” Applejack asked her brother, she had a new found admiration for Big Mac.
Big Mac lowered his head with a sigh. “Eeeeyup.” He felt ashamed that he failed after all that effort he put in.
“Err…Luna?” Celestia whispered to her sister.
“What Celery?” she whispered back, giddy with excitement.
“This all seems rather unnecessary. Don’t you think using the Animus would have been a lot easier and quicker?”
This sudden realisation dawned on Luna, which was signified with a facehoof. “I forgot we had one of those…”
“Is it still too late to go back and use it instead?”
“There’s no point now. We might as well keep going this way. Besides, the Animus takes AAAAGES to calibrate. And with an Earth Pony it will take even longer.”
“Good point.” Celestia stretched her aching limbs and ruffled her wings, the hours of endless standing had taken its toll on her muscles. “Shall we?”
“Certainly Celery. There’s no time like the… present? When the hay would you call when we are?”
“How am I supposed to know? This is your head!”
“… Good point.” With that, Luna did a little magic and accelerated a few days.

– A –

The two Apples were getting on well with the apple harvest, they were more or less back on schedule. Applejack seemed to perk up considerably over the next few days, her concentration had improved massively. But she was still acting strange, not that Big Mac would ever notice. She would often stare at him while she kicked a tree, or sometimes stop for half a minute to watch him his mighty muscles flexing as he brought his hind legs down hard against the trunk of an apple tree, giving her a strange pleasurable feeling across her body.
Oh Celestia, Ah could just watch him all day. Look at them big, strong muscles straining against that coat. She had to bite her lip to stop her making any kind of sound at the thought and image of Big Mac, even though her brother would have been oblivious to anything like that.
I can’t believe Ah’m thinkin’ like this about mah brother! But it ain’t fair to put me in a town full of queers and make him the only straight colt! And to make him look that good’s jus addin’ insult t’ injury. Maybe… he’s thinkin’ the same thing. An’ who could blame him? Just once can’t be that bad, and it ain’t like it’s illegal or anythin’…

It was now three days since Big Mac had gone in search of a colt for his sister, he thought his worries were over and that she had just gotten over it herself, somehow. Little did he know it was about to get weird.
It was coming to the end of a hard day’s work and Applejack and Big Mac were making sure they had collected all the apples and bucked each tree.
“How ya doin’ over there Sis?” Big Mac called out as he approached the orange Pony.
“Ah’m doin’ just fine,” she shouted back as she kicked her last tree and began to collect the apples which had missed the buckets.
“Ah’ll help ya,” Big Mac yawned, he was getting very tired. He started to bend down to pick up the apples with Applejack. It didn’t take long.
“Hey AJ, ya missed one.” Big Mac pointed to the final apple of the day.
“Oh… did Ah?” Applejack said as if it was done on purpose. She turned to the apple and bent down, spreading her hind legs unnecessarily far apart, her tail rose slightly, and her hips swaying slowly from side to side. Her neck bent elegantly as she grasped the stem of the apple delicately between her teeth. Not once did she break eye contact with the unbelievably confused Big Mac, who just looked at her with terror in his eyes. If anypony else was looking at her that moment in time they would be on her faster than any word being said.
Applejack finished her graceful manoeuvre with a little toss of the apple into the bucket and a flick back of her mane. She winked at him.
There was a long pause where Applejack waited, with an alluring smile and a glint in her eye, for Big Mac to exit his stupefaction.
“Err…” he managed to get out.
“Yeah, big brother?” she managed to say even that with a seductive voice.
“Ah-Ah… gotta go,” Big Mac said quickly. He turned and galloped out of Sweet Apple Acres.

– A –

“TWILIGHT!” Big Mac shouted as he crashed through the door of the Library.
Twilight, hearing the noise, ran from her study and into the foyer.
“Big Mac! What’s wrong?” her voice quivered, she was terrified of the possibilities of what would cause Big Mac to shout like that.
“It’s Applejack,” Big Mac said while panting.
“Oh sweet Celestia what’s wrong with her?”
“She… she…” Big Mac couldn’t believe what he was about to say. “Ah think she was tryin’ t’ seduce me.”
Twilight sighed with great relief. “Phew. Is that all?”
Big Mac gave a contemptuous look. “What d’ya mean, is that all?!” he shouted angrily.
“Oh sorry… yeah… I wasn’t paying much attention. You said she was trying to seduce you?”
Big Mac nodded sheepishly.
“Are you sure?” Twilight doubted him greatly. “I know you’re not one for subtlety.”
“Trust me, Ah’m sure.”
“Really? Wow, she must have been really trying hard. What did she do?” her voice was surprisingly curious and eager to hear.
Big Mac didn’t know how to explain, so he preformed the action himself. (All the observing Ponies laughed, except for Big Mac who just blushed with embarrassment).
Twilight suppressed a giggle. “I figure Applejack did it far sexier, no?”
Big Mac did not know how to answer this question. It was true that Applejack did do it sexier than him, but if he admitted it he felt it would make it seem like he was attracted to his sister. He didn’t want to do that, so he just stared blankly at Twilight.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Big Mac grimaced.
“This is a problem. I never thought Applejack would try it on with her own brother.” Twilight was lost in her own mind for a second before coming back with a thought. “But I suppose… it makes sense.”
“What?!” Big Mac was shocked by this.
“Well, she does live in a town where there are nothing but homosexual colts, except you, of course. And she does spend her entire time with you. It was only a matter of time before her sex drive would think you were a viable partner.”
“What should Ah do, Twilight? Ah’m worried for her.”
“You need to search for a partner.”
“But Ah tried everypony, they are literally all gay.”
“Well surely they wouldn’t mind just for one time to do what’s… biologically expected?”
“Ah could try, Ah suppose. There’s no harm in that.”
“Good. Now go and find a colt to satisfy your sister’s mare-ly needs.”
Big Mac nodded and ran out of the Library to restart his search.
Twilight followed him with her eyes and walked to the open door. “Keep me up to date!”

– A –

Applejack was pacing around her room, thinking furiously and talking to herself. Fortunately nopony else was in the house, otherwise they would have been mortified.
“So… how in Equestria am Ah goin’ t’ get Big Mac to agree to do that with me? Ah doubt he ever has trouble with all this pent up energy inside o’ him, there’s plenty of straight mares out there to pick from. And Ah’m pretty sure the gay ones wouldn’t mind him getting involved every so often.
“Now, back t’ the problem at hoof, there must be a way to convince him. If only Ah could get him nice an’ drunk… then he would agree to anything…” Applejack thought hard for a second before something clicked.
“O’ course! Pinkie Pie’s Summer Bash! She always holds one after the Summer Sun Celebration! And there will be plenty t’ drink, as usual. That’s how Ah’ll get him in the sack!” Applejack jumped in the air in a celebratory fashion.

– A –

Luna turned to face Applejack; the smugness on her face was unbearable.
“I told you it was your fault.” Luna smiled maliciously.
“No it’s not,” Applejack said sternly, although her voice faltered; she knew she had been defeated.
“You can’t be serious. We just saw you plan your seduction.”
“That don’t mean anythin’! Who knows what could happen next?”
“So are you saying that you are not going to admit it and insist that we watch the rest of this?”
“Eeeeyup.”
Luna sighed. “If you insist.”
Luna jumped forward to the next day, at approximately noon.

– A –

g Mac traipsed back into Twilight’s Library, his mood was heavy and his head was hung down with weariness and defeat.
“Twilight?” he called out quietly, he was too tired for any enthusiasm.
“Big Mac? Are you okay?” Twilight replied just as quietly, she was stood in front of him, which he didn’t realise.
“Yeah… Ah’m fine.”
“How’s the search going?”
“Not well. Ah can’t find nopony for Applejack. None of them gay colts even considered helping her out.”
“Really? Why not?” Twilight said angrily. “They would be lucky to have her.”
“Yeah, yeah… Ah tried to tell ‘em that but they still said no. some even said they found the idea of laying with a mare disgustin’.”
Twilight was confused by this. “But… that’s what it’s for.” She gestured wildly in the direction of Big Mac’s back half.
“Ah know, Ah know. But Ah ain’t gonna force nopony t’ do what they don’t want t’.”
“Well okay then. But that limits your options severely.” Twilight started pacing around to allow her mind to work. “What if…” she started.
“What?” Big Mac asked hopefully.
“Nah. It’s stupid.”
“C’mon Twi, Ah’m desperate here.”
“Well… you could ask… Mr Cake?”
Big Mac gave her a judgemental look. “But he’s married.”
“I know! But you never know, maybe you could make a deal with them?”
“But it’s so weird.”
“Do you remember what your own sister tried to do yesterday?”
“Oh yeah,” he laughed nervously. “Okay, Ah’ll see what the Cakes say.”

Half an hour later.

“Twilight. Ah’m back,” Big Mac’s voice was just as heavy before.
“That doesn’t sound very good. I guess it didn’t go too well with the Cakes?”
“No. not at all.”
“Why?”
“Well Mr Cake is kinda old fashioned and was insulted by the mere idea of it. He even threatened to kick me out.”
“Okay, what did you actually say to him?”
“Y’see, Ah walked in there and, fortunately, they were both there and all on their own, so Ah asked them if they wouldn’t mind Mr Cake… y’know… with Applejack. Mr Cake was furious, he didn’ shout ‘cause the twins were nearby, but he even swore at me.”
“Mr Cake swear? I don’t believe that.”
“Well he did. So after that Ah tried t’ get all business like an’ offer them apples an’ whatnot, but he said no and that he would never cheat on his wife. So in the end Ah said that Ah doubt Applejack would mind if they both gave it a go, seeing as that would get the cheatin’ out o’ the picture.”
“And what did they say to that?”
“Mr Cake kicked me out after some more harsh words. But when Ah saw Mrs Cake, she seemed incredibly eager.”
“What?” Twilight laughed a little. “I can’t imagine her ever…”
“Me neither. But what do Ah do know? Ah’m out of ideas and Ah’m getting’ worried.” Big Mac fell to the floor and buried his face in his hooves.
Twilight knelt down beside him. “Oh don’t worry Big Mac. We will find a solution.” She rubbed his back affectionately. “Now Big Mac, cheer up. It isn’t that bad.”
“What are you talking about?! My sister is tryin’ t’ seduce me!”
Twilight pressed her hoof against his lips. “Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh. Let’s not talk about that now.” She smiled sweetly at him.
Big Mac looked up at her. They were thinking the same thing.

There was a long pause… where things happened… (Which Luna skipped hurriedly).

“That was much more enjoyable than the other morning,” Twilight said with a content sigh.
“Ah’m still worried about Applejack,” Big Mac said despairingly.
Twilight got a little angry with him. “Is THAT what is on your mind right now?! After we just did…?! Oh sweet Celestia, you weren’t thinking of her when we… were you?!”
“Oh HAY no!” Big Mac shouted back to her, he didn’t realise the implications of what he said earlier. “Ah was just thinking that now. Ah still need t’ help her, an’ Ah’ve ran outta colts.”
Twilight calmed herself, now wasn’t the time for anger. “Well Big Mac, there is still one untapped reserve in Ponyville.” Twilight winked at him, hoping he would get her implications, which was an idiotic thought as Big Mac wouldn’t have understood her in a million years.
“But there ain’t no mines or anythin’ like that fer miles an’ miles.”
Twilight facehoofed, she wouldn’t have thought he would be so far off. “Mares, you ignoramus! MARES! MARES EVERYWHRE! All ripe for the picking!”
“Are you saying Ah should get mah sister a mare to help her out?”
“Yeah! Think about it, this town is full of an inordinate amount of gay colts, it only stands to reason that there is a large number of gay mares. And have you SEEN Applejack? I doubt any mare could resist that flank!”
Big Mac gave her the Unicorn a curious look. “Twilight, do you… wanna… Applejack?”
“What? That wasn’t even a sentence.” Her mind clicked. “Oh. Oh Celestia no! That would be far too weird!”
“But the way ya were talkin’ made it sound like… ya had a thing for her…”
“What? So a mare can’t compliment another on their sex appeal?” she tried to sound insulted to stop Big Mac’s thoughts, but failed.
“Ah’m not sayin’ that, but you were talkin’ rather passionately about her.”
“Nah! No I wasn’t.”
“Ya kinda were.”
“Well…” Twilight giggled nervously. “I guess… I wouldn’t particularly mind… but it would be weird.”
“As weird as her sleepin’ with her brother?”
Twilight contemplated this incredibly briefly. “How about, if you can’t find anypony… I could… volunteer?”
“Are you sure? ‘cause Ah don’t wanna impose.”
“J-just go and find somepony else, I’ll be fine, it’s no imposition.”
“Alright, if yer sure.” Big Mac headed for the door to the library. “Is there anypony Ah should try first? Ah’d rather get this over an’ done with quickly.”
“Berry Punch is usually up for things. Or so I hear,” Twilight added quickly.

– A –

Big Mac approached Berry Punch’s house, it didn’t seem, like anypony was home, but he didn’t let this deter him. He knocked on the door. It took a few knocks and a minute or two but it eventually was answered. The Pony on the other side was a filly who Big Mac assumed was Berry Punch’s daughter, although he was never sure if the rumours were true until now.
“Hi there,” he started awkwardly. “Is… Berry Punch here?”
“Who are you?” the little filly asked acidulously.
“Ah’m Big Macintosh. I was wanderin’ if Ah could talk to… your mother?” he guessed.
“Sorry but no. she isn’t feeling too well. You will have to come back another day,” she spoke with a very authoritative voice for a Pony who looked even younger than Apple Bloom, and was also much better at it than most Ponies.
“Please, just for a minute?”
“No.” The filly slammed the door in Big Mac’s face.
He stood there for a second wandering what had just happened. In this time he could hear a heated discussion occurring.
“Not so loud Sweetie. Mummy has a bad headache,” said a croaky voice.
“I know! You always do after a night out. And I could have told you the same thing last night when you were with that mare. I mean who bounces on their bed for hours on end in the dead of night?!”
“You heard that?!” the mother shouted with horror.
“I think next door could hear it, and we don’t even live in a semi-detached house!”
Big Mac thought this was the right time to leave and so turned and galloped away. Now all he needed to do was found another sexually promiscuous mare, not that he knew any.

– A –

Big Mac was in the market now, he was sure to find a mare here since the entire town seemed to congregate here. His eyes scoped out anypony and everypony, trying to size them up in his mind and to see if they would help Applejack out with her little problem.
“Okay, let’s see,” he said to himself. “Daisy? No, she’s deeply religious, would never go f’ somethin’ like that. Bon-bon? No, she’s with Lyra anyway, Ah doubt she’d want t’ go with Applejack after the much gentler Lyra. Although Ah do know them both t’ like things a bit rougher every now an’ then. And maybe they could both…? Ah’ll keep that in mind.
“Who else? What about Mayor Mare? No, that’s a stupid thought. Ah doubt she wants another scandal hanging above her head right before election time. Carrot Top might work, although Ah doubt she’s Applejack’s type. Aloe and Lotus? No, Ah’ve heard rumours about them. Itchy rumours. And Ah’ve been told not to approach them with this kinda thing in mind.”

A Pony approached Big Mac. “Are you okay sir?”
Big Mac jumped, he hadn’t seen her appear. It was Nurse Redheart.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said apologetically.
“No, it’s alright. Ah was in mah own little world there.”
“I noticed. You seem to be standing perfectly still in the middle of the road, is all.”
Big Mac looked around. He was indeed standing in the middle of the road. “Oh yeah. Ah guess Ah wasn’t payin’ too much attention.”
“That’s okay. But is there anything I can help you with? You seem troubled by something.”
“Ah’m fine, Ah assure,” he said unconvincingly.
Redheart judged him with her eyes. “I can tell when somepony is lying to me, and you are not very good at it anyway by any standard.”
Big Mac tried to convince her some more with a charismatic smile, but in the end he sighed with defeat. “Okay, there is somethin’ troublin’ me.”
“Yes!” Redheart whispered in a celebratory manner, she was happy to get it right for once.
“Excuse me?” Big Mac was slightly insulted by her reaction.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. C’mon, tell me all about it.” She gestured for him to start talking.
“Ah’d rather not. It’s very personal.”
“Come on, I'm a Nurse! There isn’t anything you can say that I haven’t already heard. And lemme tell ya, there is a lot of weird things that Ponies get up to in Ponyville. Somepony, and I won’t say who, once came into a hospital with a cello bow up their… um… bum.” She giggled childishly at the last word. “She said she fell, but her DJ friend knew what really happened and laughed when she said that.”
“Right… well mah problem is a little different t’ that. It ain’t medical or anythin’”
“Come on, tell us it. Pleeeeeeeeease!” she begged, and then she put on the sad eyes and Big Mac couldn’t possibly say no.
“Alright then.” Redheart squeaked a little and started to bounce with glee. Big Mac looked around to make sure nopony was nearby. He gestured her closer so he could whisper. She leant in, shaking with excitement. Big Mac took another quick glance around him to make sure it was clear. He brought his mouth close to her ear and opened his mouth to whisper, when suddenly something knocked the two of them to the ground.
“Oops. Sorry!” a cheery voice piped up as a large weight was removed from Big Mac’s side. It was Pinkie Pie, carrying supplies for her biggest party of the year.
“Hi Pinkie. How are you?” Nurse Redheart said sarcastically, she really wanted to hear what Big Mac was going to say.
“I'm good thanks. I’ve just been out getting supplies for my Summer Bash! Did you get your invite?” Pinkie asked hopefully.
“You know I did Pinkie, you sang it to me.”
“Of course I did! After all these previous years of you not turning up I thought I had to make sure you get it. But you still haven’t RSVP’d. Are you gonna come?”
“I don’t know Pinkie, last time I went I got really drunk accidentally left with a mare, only to realise she was a patient. I was forced to take a few weeks off work to let the heat die down.”
Big Mac’s heart quickened its pace, this gave him hope that he found somepony to help Applejack. She openly admits to going with a mare, there are no rumours or reasons why she wouldn’t be a good choice, and she was a nurse, any colts’ fantasy. Also she was pretty good looking, Big Mac thought.
“I promise it won’t be like that this time. I will label the drinks much betterly to stop that happening again. Apparently last year Twilight wrote a drunken saucy love letter to Celestia AND Luna, and that didn’t go down well for anypony.”
“I will think about it Pinkie. I'm still not sure though.”
“Well you’d better hurry. It’s only two days away.” She turned to Big Mac. “And what about you Big Mac? I assume you’re coming. You always do!”
“Yeah! Ah would never miss a Pinkie Pie Party!”
“That’s good! I should think you need a rest from your search for a colt!”
Redheart span her attention to Big Mac. “What?!” The face she pulled was one of surprise and mild disgust.
“It’s for Applejack. She’s been feeling a little lonely recently. So Big Mac here has gone to find a colt for her and see if they see if they wouldn’t mind doobling her entendre.”
“Seriously?” Redheart’s face lit up. “Is that what your problem is?” She could have exploded with delight and excitement.
Big Mac nodded slowly.
Redheart and Pinkie laughed.
It was a while before either of them could talk again. “Oh Big Mac,” Pinkie said through the laughs. “Don’t you know you will never find a straight colt here? I'm surprised you haven’t moved onto mares yet.”
Big Mac’s silence spoke volumes.
“Oh Celestia. You’ve been asking mares haven’t you?” Pinkie squealed with laughter. “Is that why you’ve been talking with Nurse Redheart?” Pinkie started laughing again, and so did Redheart, until she suddenly stopped a moment later.
“Hang on. Is that right? Did you want me to sleep with Applejack?” she asked angrily.
“Err…” Big Mac’s voice shivered with terror, Redheart was very angry when she got angry.
“I thought so!” She slapped him and then walked off in a huff.

Big Mac watched her leave, his eyes transfixed on her white flank, swaying appealingly and her tail swishing from side to side with her temper. When she was out of sight an inexorable rage built up inside him which he wanted so badly to direct at Pinkie Pie. If it wasn’t for her pointing it out too soon Nurse Redheart may have agreed to it. He tuned to face Pinkie, but she was gone, all that was left was a trail of streamers and a few confused Ponies in her wake.

Lucky Unicorns...

Meanwhile, inside the imaginary version of Ponyville inside Luna’s head, Celestia was getting agitated.
“Luna,” started a mildly annoyed Alicorn. “Why hasn’t Big Mac said anything or even moved for the past three or four weeks?”
“It hasn’t actually been that long,” Luna replied exhaustedly.
“What?”
“It only feels like that. Imagination is weird. Basically, on this level of imagination, everything happens in about ten times as little time, so we’ve really only been in here for about for about two or three hours.”
“Luna, that doesn’t answer my question.” Celestia was becoming more and more aggravated, not liking to be in small places (like somepony’s head) means she gets easily annoyed.
“What question?”
“Why hasn’t Big Mac moved in that time? It feels like we’ve been watching a still image of him for ages, or like waiting for the next chapter of a story or something.”
“It’s because I’m really tired, Okay? I haven’t been able to keep it up at the same rate and I just needed some rest.”
“Are you ready now?”
“Yeah, I should be okay for a while now.”
“Good,” Celestia said menacingly.
Luna stood up and began speeding up the image of past Big Mac from still to normal motion.
She looked over at her sister. Celestia’s mane had become frizzy and erratic, and her eye started twitching.
Luna giggled childishly. “Calm down, Celery. It won’t be much longer.”
Celestia mumbled something under her breath angrily.

– A –

BBBBBBiiiigggg MMaaaaccc wwas still in the market, unable to vent his anger at the pink Pony that it was meant for. He was stepping around, scowling at the sky, growling at it too. Everypony gave him a wide birth, when Big Mac was angry, it was best to leave him alone.
After mentally insulting a market stall, he was approached by somepony.
“You look like you need a muffin,” said a friendly voice.
“Derpy!” hissed Carrot Top from a little distance away. “What are you doing?”
Big Mac span round slowly, trying to compose himself. He had a thing for Derpy, and didn’t want to accidentally get angry at her.
“Hi there, Derpy.” He was already blushing, although you couldn’t tell.
Derpy reached a hoof into her mailbag and pulled out a muffin. Big Mac couldn’t help but notice that there was no mail in there anymore, only the treat she so loves.
Derpy held out the muffin on her hoof in front of Big Mac. “It’s choco-banan-blueb-strawb-plain flavour!” She smiled at him, gesturing for him to take it.
Big Mac looked at it. It looked delicious, despite the contradictory flavours. He gingerly took it in his own hoof, it was rare for Derpy to give away a muffin from her personal stash.
He looked at it some more, his mouth watering greatly. His raised it to his face and smelt it. He shuddered as the scent entered his nose. He couldn’t wait to eat Derpy’s muffin.
He took a bite. His mouth was a symphony of flavours, all of which were good. He made a sound to signify his approval.
Derpy watched longingly. She licked her lips.
Big Mac placed the muffin in his mouth to take another delicate bite, making sure it was only small bite as he wanted to savour it. But he was taken by surprise.
The grey mail mare leant forward onto her front hooves and engulfed the muffin in her mouth, her teeth scraping gently across Big Mac’s lips as she bit off the majority of the muffin, leaving only a small bit in Big Mac’s mouth.
Derpy fell back to all four hooves, chewing on the mouthful of muffin quickly, and swallowed the sweet cake with a loud gulp. Once gone, she smiled contently, chuckling slightly.
Big Mac didn’t care that Derpy stole back the muffin she had given him; he counted that as a kiss. “Thanks Derpy. Ah really needed that.”
Derpy threw her hoof forward to dismiss his thanks. “Nah! It was nothing!” she said with a smile, taking another muffin out of her bag for herself. “Why are you so angry anyway?” she asked with a mouthful of muffin.
“It’s… complicated.” Big Mac winced, waiting for her to ask further questions.
“Okay,” she said as she took another bite of the muffin.

They stood staring at each other, but not in an awkward way, they both had that special quality of complete ignorance in social situations that made it easy for them just to stare and not say anything for ages.
“Derpy?” Big Mac said; things needed to be done.
“Derpy?” she repeated with confusion. “Oh yeah!” she said as she remembered who he was talking to. “Yes?”
“Do you like Applejack?” He didn’t really want to ask her, but if he didn’t try everypony things could potentially get very weird.
“Yep.” She took another bite out of her seemingly endless muffin.
“Err…” Big Mac wasn’t sure where do go from this.
“I like apples.”
Big Mac was even less sure know.
“Derpy, do you like mares?”
“Yep.” Her reply was too casual; she obviously didn’t understand the question fully.
“No, I mean, do you… like… mares? Y’know, in that way?”
“What way?”
Big Mac was beginning to know how everypony felt when talking to him.
“Because all my friends are mares, and I like them a lot.”
“Have you ever…” Big Mac tried to think of a way to imply it to the person who understood subtlety less than him. In the end he gave up, and decided bluntness was needed. “Do you want to sleep with Applejack?”
He said this a bit too loudly, as he attracted stares from nearby Ponies, looking both confused and disgusted.
“Why would I want to sleep with her? Do you mean like a slumber party?”
Big Mac lowered his head and sighed to himself. “No. Ah don’t mean like a slumber party.”
Derpy thought harder for a second, suddenly it clicked. “OH! You mean like for sexy fun times?” she asked with a great sense of pride as she figured out the riddle.
“Yeah…” Big Mac was taken aback slightly by her response.
“Is she a Unicorn?”
“Wha…? N-no, she’s an Earth Pony.”
Derpy swallowed the final bite of her muffin. “No then.”
“What? Why?” Big Mac was growing annoyed again.
“It’s Unicorns or nothing.”
“Really? What about Carrot Top?”
“She’s just a friend who I live with.”
Carrot Top frowned, she thought there was something more between them.
“So you don’t like Pegasi even?”
“Nope. I only like Unicorns.”
A mass groan of disappointment came from all the residents of Ponyville. Being a settlement of predominantly hornless Ponies, on hearing the preferences of Derpy Hooves to Unicorns only was annoying to say the least.
Big Mac looked incredibly saddened by this. “Not even… me?” he asked hopefully.
Derpy looked him up and down. “Nope. You’re not a Unicorn.” She started trotting away happily, with a merry bounce in her step.
All the inhabitants of Ponyville now felt a little sour. Everypony saw how Derpy blew off Big Mac, which most mares would agree is a stupid thing, all because he had no horn. So what chance would they have with her if not even Big Mac could get her?
Some inhabitants were now feeling incredibly jealous of those few Unicorns that resided in the town.

Big Mac felt saddened as he re-watched this scene, reminded of his inability to attract Derpy.
“Dang,” Applejack muttered to herself.
Celestia and Luna, on the other hoof, looked towards their respective horns, and then celebrated to themselves.

– A –

Big Mac sat on the floor of the Market, feeling incredibly blue. He hoped Pinkie Pie would come by to try and cheer him up, just so he could shout at her for scaring away Nurse Redheart. Instead he was found by a much more pleasing sight, Twilight Sparkle.
“Are you okay, Big Mac?” she asked considerately.
Big Mac glanced at her before returning to look at the floor, sighing as he did so and shaking his head.
Twilight sat next to him, placing a hoof on his back and started to rub it in a friendly way. “Is this about Applejack still?”
Big Mac looked up suddenly. He had forgotten about that. He sighed again, but this time more sorrowfully, resting his head in a hoof.
“Oh… I guess there’s something more,” Twilight said curiously.
Big Mac nodded.
“I thought so. What is it?”
“It’s Derpy,” his sentence trailed off towards the end.
“Derpy? What about her?”
“She only likes Unicorns.” Big Mac’s frown grew in size as he reminded himself.
“Really?!” Twilight asked eagerly, wanting to make sure she’s heard him right.
Big Mac nodded.
“YES!” Twilight whispered to herself. “Oh no,” she said in a long voice to Big Mac. “I knew you had a crush on her but…” She drifted away from the conversation, her eyes darting all over the place to see if she could spot the grey Pegasus.
“Yeah, Ah do.”
“Oh well, at least he hasn’t knocked on your barn yet.”
“What?”
“Oh, err…” Twilight had not been paying any attention to him, she had spotted Derpy at a stall, being served by a very glum looking Earth Pony packing some celery into a bag, looking moodily at the mail mare. Twilight decided a change of subject would be good here.
“What about the Applejack thing? Found anypony to… pull her wagon?” she asked with a suggestive wink.
“Excuse me?”
Y’know, somepony to… empty her bins, if ya know what I mean.” Twilight raised her eyebrow and looked at Big Mac.
“What?”
“Somepony to… bleed her radiators?” she said with an evocative smile.
Big Mac stared at her, confusing running rampant across his face. He had no idea what she was talking about.
“A Pony to… disinfect her floors?”
“What are you goin’ on about, Twilight?”
“Hang on, I’ve got a few more of these.” Twilight tapped her hoof thoughtfully on her chin. “A Pony… to… diagnose her crockery?”
“Twilight, just sto-.”
“A Pony to please her vagina?!” Twilight jumped up and smiled broadly at Big Mac like an idiot.
Big Mac was taken aback by this hugely, he actually fell over. “That’s disgustin’ Twilight!” he fumed. “How could you be so vulgar?!”
Twilight returned his anger with a confused look. “But that’s… what you’ve been trying to find. Isn’t it?”
Big Mac’s face froze in an emotionless state as he thought about it; it soon turned to one of shock, horror and disgust. “Oh sweet Celestia! Ah never thought of it like that!” He slumped down against the ground and covered his face with his hooves, his flank raised in the air.
Jaunty happened to be walking by at that moment and saw the sight of Big Mac’s flank. He looked over the top of his sunglasses. “Helloooo,” he said as he took a mental picture before walking off with a smile on his face.
“Ah can’t believe that’s what Ah’ve been trying to do!” He sounded scared.
“Oh stop it, Big Mac,” Twilight said sternly. “You’re just helping out your sister. There’s nothing wrong with that!”
“Do you mean it?” he asked hopefully.
Twilight didn’t mean it, she only said that because she saw Derpy was starting to leave the market, and she wanted to catch her up to have a word with her. “Yes, of course I mean it!”
Big Mac sighed with relief.
“Listen, I have to go… do… Something…” Twilight stood up to leave. “I’ll see you later, okay?” She started to walk off, putting on a semi-fast pace to keep up with the grey Pegasus.
“Wait!” Big Mac called after her. “What should Ah do about Applejack?”
Twilight didn’t stop walking, she just shouted over her shoulder. “Just… just forget about it. Enjoy yourself, and get ready for Pinkie’s party!”
“Oh… okay,” he shouted back a little disheartened.
“Derpy! Wait up!” Twilight shouted as she started a full gallop towards her, hoping to reach her before she flew away.
Much to her annoyance, Ponies kept “accidentally” knocking stands of oranges over, causing her to lose momentum and, more infuriatingly, lose Derpy.

Big Mac contemplated Twilight’s advice and decided it would be best to take it. He had been letting himself get worried about Applejack, and he thought he could use a break from searching. Besides, there will be plenty of drunken Ponies at Pinkie Pie’s party to ask.
So, Big Mac decided to forget it for now, and get on with harvesting apples, which he hadn’t been doing over the past few days and was getting very behind.
He was followed back to Sweet Apple Acres by Debonair, who asked if he could “help” him with the harvesting. Big Mac accepted, Of course, thinking that he wanted to buck some apples and not “buck” some “Apples”.

– A –

Big Mac had kicked out Debonair after he tried it on with Big Mac instead of Applejack. This was not helping him in the slightest.
Big Mac watched him leave, just to make sure he left. He heard a loud thud coming from behind him. He quickly span round to see Rainbow Dash, sprawled in a heap on the floor.
“Ow,” she said calmly.
“Are you alright, Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah, I'm fine,” she groaned as she stood up. “Damn wings stiffened up in midair again. I have no idea why! It’s getting annoying.” Rainbow looked shiftily from side to side, she knew the reason. Derpy had flown past her in the sky, almost touching wings. Needless to say, she got… distracted.
Big Mac looked at her, he was thinking hard about certain rumours he had heard about her.
“Why are you lookin’ at me like that?” She was getting worried.
“Don’t get at angry at me, please. Jus-just hear me out.”
“Okay.” Rainbow was intrigued.
“Would you like t’… sleep… with Applejack?”
YES!!!!! was her real answer, which she screamed in her mind. But she couldn’t, or else the rumours would be true. So, she tried to hide her excitement with a coat of mild anger, although it was unnecessary as she was talking to Big Mac.
“Oh sweet Celestia NO!” she shouted, but not as angrily as she hoped. “I am NOT a lesbian!”
“Alright, alright. Ah just thought you wouldn’t mind helpin’ a friend,” he said sheepishly, backing away slightly.
“Well,” he voice calmed down significantly. “There might be another friend I wouldn’t mind… helping out.” She smiled seductively, raising an eyebrow.
Big Mac thought hard for a second, trying to work out what she was implying.
“Do ya mean me?”
Rainbow facehoofed. “Yes, I mean you.” She didn’t really, she just didn’t want to let him carry on thinking she preferred the mares over the stallions, even though there was some truth in that.
Big Mac smiled.
Rainbow Dash smiled back and turned around, lifting her tail to the side.
Big Mac approached her and put his front hooves on her flank. He then slowly raised himself and sli

Luna quickly accelerated passed this scene. “I don’t think this is relevant.”
Big Mac frowned, he thought he was on fire that one time and wouldn’t have minded watching it again. But even in fast motion it lasted a surprisingly long time. They didn’t even get caught, which was lucky, since they were on a path.
He remembered the next few times he saw Rainbow Dash over the next couple of days she would smile and blush, as well as flare her wings.

– A –

Luna sped past the entirety of the next day and stopped in the evening before Pinkie Pie’s party started. She collapsed on the floor in Applejack’s farmhouse, panting heavily.
“Are you alright, Luna?” Celestia asked worriedly, sitting down next to her and placing a hoof on her shoulder.
“Yeah… I'm fine,” Luna panted, she struggled to stand up, but she fell to the floor again. “I'm just… tired.”
Celestia looked at her, she knew all too well the effects of extreme magical exertion. “Okay Luna, you just rest. I doubt you need magic for the rest of the night anyway, seeing as it’s the night of the party. All you have to do is walk around, can you do that?”
“Yeah, I should be able to, Celery.” Luna struggled to her hooves again, her legs wobbled but she remained standing.

– A –

eans no, Apple Bloom, ya can’t come t’ Pinkie Pie’s party!” Applejack said sternly, standing tall to emphasise her point.
“But Applejack, Rarity is lettin’ Sweetie Belle go. An’ Scootaloo’s goin’ as well.” Apple Bloom pouted, hoping her sad eyes would win her sister over.
“Ah know for a fact.” She prodded Apple Bloom’s chest. “That Rarity is not lettin’ Sweetie Belle go t’ the party. An’ if Scootaloo’s there she will be sent home. Ah have told you many a time that this party is fer adults only.”
“But Sis-.”
“No buts, Apple Bloom. You are not goin’ an’ that’s final!” Applejack furrowed her brow with such authority that it overpowered Apple Bloom’s pout.
“IT’S NOT FAIR! I AM NOT A LITTLE PONY ANYMORE!” Apple Bloom screamed as she stormed to her room, slamming the door with such force that it sent shockwaves through the house and even woke up Granny Smith temporarily.
“Well that was a pretty childish way to go about it!” Applejack shouted up to her, although she doubted she could hear her.
Big Mac walked through from the kitchen and into the hallway, where Applejack was waiting for him.
“Ya ready, Applejack?”
“Yep.” She didn’t look at him, she was more focused on the little filly screaming in her room. “An’ she wants us to treat her like an adult. Heh.” She shook her head.
“We better get going AJ. Ya know what Pinkie gets like if we’re late.”
“Oh yeah. I never understood why she cared so much about Ponies arriving on time so badly anyway.”
“Me neither. But c’mon, if we don’t leave now she’ll punish us, ya know that.”
Applejack had to bite her bottom lip, she found the idea of Pinkie Pie punishing her incredibly appealing, and she was even deliberating whether or not to waste time. No, Ah have a plan anyway and Ah’m stickin’ to it. Oh Ah can’t wait to have mah brother doing all that crazy stuff with me like what he did to Rainbow Dash the other day!
She could feel a smile spread across her face with the memory.
“Err… AJ?”
Applejack shook herself back to reality. “Oh yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Ah was miles away. Let’s get going.” Applejack started a t a gentle pace out of the door. “Bye Granny Smith. We will be back later. But we’ll try an’ keep it down.” This last sentence of hers was full of implications, but Big Mac was too ignorant and Granny Smith was too asleep to notice.