THE CHRONICLES OF DICK[/size=1337]
This is the single greatest story of all time. And I mean it. It definitely has 100% flawless grammar, and definitely does not feature an alicorn OC - and BONUS: the characters are always in-character!
…
loljk. You thought I was being serious? loln00b
Okay, here we go!
Once upon a time, there was a man named Gary. He was a major brony who lived in New York City. He was in college, getting straight A pluses and had 3 girlfriends, all of which he banged on a daily basis, occasionally with multiple at the same time. He was a famous musician and everybody on Earth loved him. He was also best buddies with Skrillex and Justin Bieber.
One day, Gary was taking a dump on his toilet. Suddenly, the shit water turned into a portal and he got sucked in. He got shit all over him, since he’s so awesome that the shit went to him like a magnet because they just wanted to be with him. However, he was totally unaffected because he’s so awesome. However, he still managed to be knocked out in the portal, defying one of the laws of the universe.
When Gary woke up, he was in Equestria. Suddenly, he turned into a pony for absolutely no reason. He realized he was a pony; he was black with a red mane. He also realized he had both a horn and wings, making him an alicorn. He looked at his magnificent. Fucking. ASS and saw his cutie mark was a sword with blood dripping off it. This meant what he did for a living was be edgy. “Wow, this is fucking incredible!” Gary sighed lustfully. “However, Gary Sue isn’t much of a pony name. What shall I adopt as my name?” Gary thought for a moment. “I know! I shall call myself Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous! Or, for short, DLSSABMSKEERS. I don’t even know how to pronounce that, so I shall just call myself Dark Lightning.”
Suddenly, a yellow mare with a pink mane walked up to him, though it wasn’t actually sudden since he noticed her when she was walking towards him a mile away. The mare was a pegasus, and I bet you all know who it is. “Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle,” the mystery mare said. “I accidentally messed up a spell and I broke the goddamn space-time continuum and split through another dimension. And then I dragged you here by violently ripping apart your molecules and having them be rebuilt here.” Dark Lightning didn’t feel it because he was busy admiring himself in his 100-inch pocket mirror.
“I know who you are and what you want,” Dark Lightning calmly spoke in a slightly low voice. “I know that this is when Nightmare Moon, Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra all return, fuse into one evil monster, and terrorize all of Equestria, and it is my job to fix it since the Elements of Harmony by itself isn’t strong enough.”
“Wow, how did you know?” Twilight Sparkle was in complete awe.
“It’s because I’m awesome and know everything,” proclaimed Dark Lightning. Then he suddenly got goggles on his head and did the 
face.
“Well, that’s most of what we want. However, there’s something I want,” she seducingly said and rubbed Dark Lightning’s you-know-what.
You know, his chest. What the fuck did you think it was, pervert?
“I know that you want the D,” he said uber quietly. And then they sexed. However, Twilight was a horrible partner since she was a virgin.
After the sexxing sequence, which lasted for about 14 hours, there lay over 1000 broken condoms, a few hundred kinky sex toys (of which about half were broken in half), and about 3 and a half dead clowns.
“That was incredible,” Twilight gasped.
“Yeah,” Dark Lightning said with full energy. “I only got 3 STD’s during this! Don’t worry, I cured them all with my awesome alicorn abilities.”
“Now what?” Twilight asked. “Should we try to save Equestria now?”
Since Dark Lightning was a ~~fucking obnoxious, self-centered selfish prick~~ really great guy, he didn’t want to save Equestria. However, he decided to. “Le okay.........” he said, making le epikc reddit maymay face. xDxDxDXXDxDxxDXDXdx
He went to Twilight’s house with her. The tree was very cramped and smelt like shit. Twilight had to quickly do some things before explaining her plans. During that time, Dark Lightning managed to befriend Spike and Spike said he was his best friend.
“Alright,” Twilight said as she got back. “Queen Chrysalis put a mind control spell on all of my friends. The only way to fix the spell is to use the magic of love to snap them out!”
“Well, that seems simple enough,” Dark Lightning groaned.
“However, this is an advanced version of the spell.” Dark Lightning looked up. “It requires an enormous amount of love in a single burst.” Dark Lightning tilted his head. “The only way to fix it is with......................... SECKS” she edgy-ed. (It’s a verb, look it up!)
“Don’t worry, I’m perfect at this!” Dark Lightning said awesomely. He then said, “I must le go, my le planet le needs le me! xD” and flew threw the ceiling. Even though he had no idea where any of the ponies were, he instantly found all of the ponies with le epikc teleportation. The ponies had green eyes and were doing sexy tasks for Chrysalis............... ;)))))))))))
“Ah, I have been waiting for you,” Chrysalis sighed un-seductively. “Come here. I will give you the greatest sex of your life!”
Dark Lightning started to edge(y) his way to her, but knew it was a trap. However, he didn’t care and jumped in. They began having a 7-way orgy (septorgy). “This is perfect,” Chrysalis said and tried to do le mind control on Dark Lightning. However, it didn’t work. “WHAT??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” she screeched.
“Mwahaha! I’m 2edgy5u!” Dark Lightning edgied. He then did mind control on Chrysalis.
“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIN......................” Chrysalis went off as she lost control of her mind. And then the 5 mares regained their minds; however, since Dark Lightning is so awesome, they decided to stay and have an awesome orgy.
10 years later, after the orgy, Celestia appeared next to Dark Lightning. “Dark Lightning,” she said loudly but quietly. “You are the secret seventh Element of Harmony!” Dark Lightning made an :OOOOOOO. “You are the Element of Awesomeness!!!!!!!!!”
Dark Lightning flew up into the air and suddenly got a sword. (He got this instead of a crown or a necklace because that’s girly and he’s a MAN!)
“However, you are also a human from Earth, and you must go home.”
Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous got sad, and then he hugged all of the other mares with his wings and his dick. He started crying, and then his tears cured the cancer of thousands of little fillies. However, he murdered them right after because when Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous gives, Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous also takes.
However, Dark Lightning decided he would not take it anymore. He then murdered Celestia, married Luna (who is the ruler of Equestria at le tiem xDxDxDxDXdxDxxdxdZDzddxdzxdxdDXdxddDXdXdx), and then began ruling Equestria. He then had the main 6 be his fuckbuddies.
The fucking end.
Author's Note
why
The Tail of Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous TOO: Electric Jewgaloo
HOLY FUCK SEQUEL
Jim was a pony enthusiast living in Boston. He was a depressed, edgy teenager who spent his time masturbating to TWILY porn. He was 6’5”, had long hair, wore heavy makeup, had blue eyes, had a pale face, and wore a black AC-DC shirt with long, blue jeans, and black shoes. He hated happy music and everyone on Earth hated him. He was best friends with Osama Bin Laden and your mom. 8)
One day, he was walking along train tracks because he’s a #rebel. He saw a train coming along from a few trillion light-years away. He saw this as his escape from his shitty-assnizzle life, so he jumped in front of the train. Suddenly, he got hit by the train unexpectedly, despite seeing the train and being on the tracks, realizing he would get hit by the train.
He was about to hit the train when suddenly a portal appeared and sucked Jim in. However, it also acted as a black hole and destroyed all matter in the universe, violently ripping apart every atom violently and sending them flying far away.
Jim landed on his ass in a forest in a land he did not recognize. Then he flipped over and landed on his head. After rubbing his head, he felt a horn-like thing on his head. He pulled out his emo pocket mirror, complete with knives around the side to make him look edgier. He saw that he was black with a red mane, and he was an alicorn because why the fuck not. He also noticed he was wearing a retarded purple fez for some reason. (Note: The fez did, in fact, have mental retardation, as it had a traumatic experience from its abusive parents as a child. However, the fez worked hard to live a full, happy life.) He was in a 2spooky4u forest, which was very dark and edgy, and he could not remember anything. Also, le slender man :OO xD was in that forest.
Suddenly(except it actually was this time), a white unicorn with a jagged, electric-blue mane walked up to him. “Hi, I’m Derpy Hooves!” she exclaimed. “I don’t know who you are, and you seem extremely different from any other pony that’s been around in Equestria for a long time. However, I feel sorry for you, so I must bring you to the Ponyville hospital because #yoloswag!” She then picked up Jim with Derpy’s amazing earth pony abilities.
“Whoa, like, whoa, bro,” he exclaimed quietly in his head. “I am confused, but I feel as if I belong here! However, I need a name. How about... Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous?!”
“Sorry, that name’s taken for copyright reasons,” Derpy’s thought butted in.
“GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT-SHIT-WHORE-WANKER-ASS-NIGGER-FUCK-CUNT!” he swore quietly. “How about Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous the Second? Perfect, I say!” He then remembered he was a horse. “Aw sweet, I have a huge dick!” He then tried to masturbate, but found he had a vagina and not a dick. “OH SHIT I’M A FEMALE!” he screeched extremely quietly.
Suddenly, Derpy exploded into juicy, red chunks and Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous the Second broke through the window. However, his shear edginess protected him from being affected by any of the glass shards flying through the air. “Oh my dearest dear, you must be ever so overwrought!” yelled a nurse-pony right next to him. “Here, this will make you feel better.” She then pulled out a giant fucking needle out of her ass and tried to stab Dark Lightning II.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” he [now she okay] screamed and ran offstage.
He then ran into a grey pegasus with le derpy xD eyes. “Hallo, mein kleines schweinhund! Ich bin Vinyl Kratzer,” she Nazi’d.
“HOLY FUCK IT’S HITLER!” Kim yelled and exploded.
Dark Lightning le Second woke up on a bed next to Derpy. “Holy fuck, you died! Thankfully, I have knowledge of CPR and brought you back to life.” Dark Lightning II’s head nearly exploded right there. That would have sucked!
A few microseconds later, Dark Lightning II jumped out of the bed and went outside with Derpy. She got a fucking LAMBORGHINI, of which Derpy took shitgun.
Kim was driving to Canterlot’s castle when suddenly there was a huge earthquake of epic proportions. The earth split and revealed a giant pit of water, which is odd because he lived in Ohio. (Equestria’s in Ohio k)
“Oh, shi--” said Kim as she menacingly swerved out of control. Derpy then died for no reason at all.
Kim drove into the chasm and fell into Atlantis. Then, she fell into the random nether portal that appeared in front of him. “Oh fuck! Where am I going?” she asked God. To her surprise, God responded.
God said, “Shut the fuck up. You talk SOO much. Why can’t you just breathe for a damn second and figure out where you’re going for your damn self?!”
“Fuck you, God; you’re a fucking tool!!” Kim screamed.
“That’s it. I’m sending you to a place worse than Hell,” God said.
“Oh fuck, is it to your mom’s vaginal cavity?” (Editors note: haawt) asked Kim.
“SMITTEN! AND MITTENS! AND CUTE LITTLE KITTENS!”
“One day when I woke up, I decided to get a cup,
Maybe mix a little sugar, blood, skin, organs, hair,
What I’m mixing up, oh, it’s gonna be rare!” God sang.
“Maybe tall, roughy, and toot-
How about small, fluffy, and cute-
HEY HEY, I’M THE PRINCESS, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL SHIT.
BETTER STEP DOWN BEFORE YOUR NECK GETS SLIT.
“On second thought, it didn’t sound all that bad...
Maybe even start a new fashion fad
So I went along with my idea in the first place
And instead of being boring and creating a new race-
“I CREATED KITTENS.”
“Because fuck you I’m Princess God-estia.” he finished. “Also, you’re smitten.”
And then Kim died.
Kim woke up in some place she did not recognize. It was dark; blacker than My Lil’ Wayne.
She her hind legs had a chain with an iron ball that was at least 250 pounds attached. “Fucking hell,” she complained.
“DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING CUSS IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE!” boomed at a voice from the darkness.
“HOLY ASSFUCK!” screeched Dark Lightning II.
Then, there was a sudden burst of light that lit up the entire room.
“MY EYES!” screeched Dark Lightning II.
“Welcome to my evil lair!” said a pony that looked like Dark Lightning II but wasn’t her.
Kim then said, “Hell, do you have time to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”
“Wait a sec why the fuck do you look like me but with a gay fez?”
“Fuck you, my fez is completely heterosexual. Also, I should be asking the same to you... except without the fez part.”
“I am Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous!” said Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous with goggles making the :rainbowdetermined1337: face.
“Holy shit! I’m Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous the Second!” said Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous the Second.
“Then why the fuck are you a girl?”
“lel y u ask r u ghey TOP LEL #rekd” said Dark Lightning II, then did a Team Fortress 2 taunt despite not killing him.
“no U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :twilightangry1337:” said the other idiot.
“lel ur guna get raepd kid” And then Kim made the fucking iron ball explode, and then raped Dark Lightning the First in a completely unsensual way.
“umg rapest!!!!!!!! i rep0td u 2 nity 4 bein a buly!! enjoi ur bann >:))))))))))))” screeched the faggot.
“k” said the other one and continued raping him.
This happened for a couple years. Neither of the Darf Lightnings enjoyed it. Eventually, Dark Lightning I yelled out, “Guards! Get the fuck in here!”
The main 6 ponies, who were Dark Lightning’s sex slaves but were paid quite well and thoroughly enjoyed their job despite being horribly abused many times, showed up and beat the shit out of Dark Lightning II.
“You’re a big, smelly willy!” said Dark Lightning II, of whom’s face was covered in blood.
“k” said Dark Lightning I.
And then Dark Lightning II died. However, the fez survived and beat the absolute living SHIT out of all of the other ponies in the building. Then the fez married a fedora and they ruled Equestria until the end of time.
The end. oar iz et.......
Author's Note
yhw
