It was a bright, shining day in the land of America. And Bill Gates was just getting ready for his evening bath. He started by having his manservant, Gorem, turn on the bath. Obviously, no water came out, because water is for poor people. No, what came out was none other than diamonds. It took a while for the bath to fill up, but eventually it did just that and Bill stood beside it. He lifted his arms and Gorem reached over and started to undress him. A short while later, Gorem left the room and Bill climbed into the bath, relaxing as the soothing diamonds glistened over his body, surrounding him.
Occasionally a stray diamond would stab into his asscheeks, or once in a while, get lodged up his ass. When this happened, he would merely shout and Gorem would appear and pick it out. The feeling wasn't terrible, but sometimes when the diamonds came out, they were slightly brown. This, of course, would indicate that Gorem hadn't wiped him properly, which would mean Bill having to scold him. Sometimes, though, when he was too tired to scold Gorem, he would just have Gorem scold himself. This was much more energy efficient, and Gorem was the best at picking out his own punishments.
Bill saw something shining. He thought it was another diamond, until he tried to pick it up. Somehow, a ruby had gotten into his diamonds! No sane rich person would be seen DEAD with a ruby! Whoever put this here put it as a warning. And what a warning it would be.. But Bill didn't know this and, outraged, threw it all the wall.
"Gorem!" Bill shouted, his manservant entering the room at his call, "What do you call THAT?" He asked outraged, pointing at the diamond.
"Uh, I dunno boss." Gorem said in his usual clueless voice.
"Well GET IT OUT OF HERE THIS INSTANT!" Bill shouted, clearly outraged by the appalling conditions he had to bathe in.
"Yes, boss!!" Gorem shouted as he picked up the ruby and ran out of the room.
Now that that disgrace was over, Bill stepped out of his bath. He was covered in cuts from head to toe, which is to be expected when one bathes with diamonds, but he cared not, as he picked up his bathrobe and wrapped it around himself. He pulled the plug himself and picked up the list he had left on the toilet bowl.
Bill's to do list:
1. Spread the rumour that deleting 'System32' makes your computer faster.
2. Go to the computer room and send out six bluescreens to random people.
3. Go to the annual rich guy club meeting. (Note: being hosted by Nicolas Cage this year!)
4. Kick ass and eat apples.
5. Have Gorem buy more apples.
6. "Forget" about fixing Windows.
And have a nice day,
--Gorem
It was so nice that Gorem cared. And somewhere in Bill's heart, he cared too. No, wait. He didn't have a heart. Rich people have all their 'vital' organs removed. Everybody knows that!
He started off by heading to his computer and going to the master Internet control panel. After fucking around with some kids online, he switched on his Xbox and started to play Halo. Then he remembered it was full of whining 6 year olds so he put on Call of Duty.. Then he remembered the same thing and got annoyed. Isn't there any game out there where you call brutally murder people without little children screaming at you?! Oh yeah, that's called real life! Bill would have dressed himself up as Bill Cosby, like he normally does, then go on a horrific killing spree. But today he just wasn't feeling it...
He sighed and walked into his bedroom, then lay down on his bed, which was, obviously, the size of Great Britain. Eventually he fell asleep.
When Bill Gates woke up, he was lying, not on his bed, but in a dark room. He clapped and the room lit up, as all rooms do for rich people. He was in a bright red room, with a tiled white floor and no roof. There was no door. Under ordinary circumstances, he would have flown out using his magical rich person powers, but this was different.. He searched around until eventually he found a loose tile on the floor. Using all of his strength, he heaved it up, and looked at the label on the underside which would tell him what it was made of. Styrofoam. Bill Gates had never heard of this heavy material, as rich people pack things with golden packing peanuts, not styrofoam ones.
He wished he could have godlike strength to match his intelligence, and his ability to make light appear with his hands. Obviously though, super strength is nothing more than science fiction, everybody knows that!
He looked at the large hole below the tile he had moved and considered the consciences of jumping down. Then he remembered a lesson that Nicolas Cage once taught him - consequences are for pussies! And with that thought, he shouted, "YOLO!" and he jumped down into the darkness below. When he awoke, he was sitting in a large green valley, there was a dark, scary looking forest to his left. Looking around a bit more, he could see a town in the distance.
"Where am I?" Bill Gates asked aloud to nobody in particular, as there was nobody there. "Gorem?" He asked, starting to worry for his manservant's health.. What would become of Gorem if Bill was trapped in this place forever? Then he realised he was probably just dreaming and punched himself in the face. He wasn't especially strong, so he wasn't able to hit himself very hard, but it was hard enough to make him realise that this wasn't a dream.
As he started to panic, he noticed something on a hill in the distance. It was a silhouette, and seemed to be getting closer. He squinted to see better, and notice it was walking on all fours. How strange. More squinting enabled him to see that the creature had a very long neck.. Then it became visible.
It was a purple, animated, horse.
Bill started to freak out, looking around and seeing that everything else also animated.
The purple horse started to get closer, and Bill Gates noticed that the horse was actually not a horse, but a unicorn!
At this revelation, he started to freak out and panic. He ran into the forest at his left and curled up in a ball, praying for his sanity to stay with him.
