The Doctor Of Ozby defender2222ChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 1Spike yawned as he walked down the stairs, rubbing his eyes in a futile attempt to remove the sleep from them. "Hey Twilight, two questions." "Yes Spike?" Twilight asked, flipping through a book, an utterly bored expression flashing across her features. "First off, do we have any more of the macaroni salad from last night?" "I think there is a bit in the fridge.” "Sweet.” “You aren’t seriously going to eat that for breakfast, are you?” Twilight asked in disgust. When the baby dragon merely nodded Twilight rolled her eyes and muttered, “boys.” “Second question... why am I black and white?" The unicorn glanced up at the baby dragon, who was holding out his hand. The normally brilliant purple scales that adorned him were now a muted gray, while his belly was a pale grayish-white and his spines were black."And why are you black and white as well?" Spike asked, before his eyes widened in horror. "Oh no... is Discord running amuck?" "No, he's busy bothering the griffins, last a heard." "Are you sure? Are you sure you haven't been Discorded and Fluttershy isn't going to burst in here and beat us up?" The baby dragon whimpered at the memory… ~MC~MC~MC~ “Give me your lunch money!” Discorded Fluttershy screamed. “Here it is!” Spike whimpered. “Good,” Fluttershy said, pausing for a moment before reaching down and grasping Spike’s underwear. “WEDGIE!” ~MC~MC~MC~ “And that’s why I don’t want pants anymore.” "It isn’t Discord. If it was Discord, do you think the library would be black and white as well?" Twilight tapped her chin. "Actually, I think the proper term is grayscale..." "Twilight... why do we look like this?" "Oh, sorry Spike," Twilight said. Her horn glowed a pale whitish color and a small book floated over to the baby dragon. "I was trying out a new chameleon spell last night and I must have mixed up a few words." "Oh... ok," Spike said, making his way to the kitchen. He had long gotten use to Twilight mixing up a spell and causing havoc (after he’d woken up cuddling in her arms after that botched Love Potion #9 incident, nothing had phased him). "As long as being black and white-" "Grayscale." "-doesn't affect my taste buds." Spike pulled out the tub and happily began to chow down. "So, what are we gonna do today?" "Nothing," the unicorn said glumly. Twilight looked out her window, eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Spike, do you remember that chant performed by adolescent ponies that is suppose to drive monsoons from the area for a period greater than 24 hours?" Spike, one hand holding the salad and another a battered copy of Lunassic Park (which was about an island where Princess Luna had cloned large lizards which ended up breaking free), looked over at his friend/mentor/sister/mother/jailkeeper (depending on which fanon you subscribe to). Having spent so much time with her, he had become apt at translating 'Twilight Speak' and thus understood right away what she was getting at. "Do you mean "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day"?" "That's the one," Twilight said with a sigh. "Do you think I can chant it now and make it work, or should I don some festive robes and light some candles before invoking those dark forces?" "Why are you upset, Twilight? I would have thought you'd like the fact that you now had an excuse to just stay inside and read books." "Normally I would," Twilight admitted. "But I had been planning this experiment to determine to velocity of an unladen swallow and now I have to put it off. The addition of rain to the test run would only corrupt the data." "Zebrica or Equestrian?" "Huh?" "What kind of swallow?" Spike asked, settling down in a chair with his book and food. "I mean, I couldn't see a Zebrican swallow being able to beat one that lived here, since an Equestrian swallow would know the lay of the land..." "I don't know what kind of swallows they are," Twilight complained, trotting over to her couch and flopping upon it in a very not-Twilight sort of way. "What do I look like, a bird... identifying... pony?" "Bird identifying pony?" Spike said in confusion. "Lay off," Twilight grunted. "I'm just surprised you don't know what type of swallow it is. I mean, you know everything." "Not when it comes to birds. Do I look like Scootaloo?" Spike's eyes lit up in delight. "Did I tell you about the new origin story I heard about her? You see-" "Spike," Twilight said sternly, cutting him off, "no one wants to hear another origin story." "Better than hearing Pinkie tell those tales about the black alicorn with silver wings." "Agreed," Twilight said with a shudder. The unicorn looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes, not really saying or even thinking anything (she found the experience odd and was eternally grateful she wasn't one of the background ponies that lived around Ponyville, forced to act that way day in and day out). "Why did the pegasi have the schedule a thunderstorm today of all days? Why not next week or never ever?" she whined. "Uh, Twi?" Spike said, brow furrowed. "They didn't schedule a thunderstorm." "They didn't?" Twilight said, eyeing the dark sky outside her window. She suddenly realized that maybe her grayscale spell had affected the sky too and what she thought were rainclouds were in fact light, puffy clouds. "Nope." "Oh... well great! Now I can do my experiment!" She trotted to the door and threw it open, "Spike, get my-" "They did schedule a tornado, though" Spike called out. "Say what now?" "A-" A great roaring sound filled their ears and the two friends turned just in time to see a MASSIVE twister bearing down upon the Ponyville LIbrary. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight slammed the door shut and quickly locked every deadbolt she had (she'd installed them to prevent Pinkie from sneaking in and using her bathtub to make homemade frosting... don't ask, it is a long story). Using her magic, Twilight quickly pulled Spike under the table, covering her eyes as the library trembled. "Why did you lock the door?" Spike asked, using his book as a makeshift helmet. "What?" Twilight called out over the roar of the storm. "Why did you lock the door?" "To keep the tornado out!" Twilight called out over the roar of the twister. "That doesn't-" KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Don't say a word," Twilight whispered. "Maybe it will think we aren't at home and go bother some other pony." "It's a tornado, Twilight, not a Luna's Witness!" Before Twilight could make a retort there was a final boom and the roaring of the storm became quite muted. Twilight huffed, trotting over to the door with a superior smile on her face. "What did I tell you, Spike? The twister moved on." Twilight undid her locks and opened the door. "Now then... hey, I don't remember Cloudsdale being directly under the libraAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight fell backwards as the library, which had been ripped from its foundation and was now spinning about in the main wall of the tornado, tilted this way and that, sending books, scrolls, ponies and baby dragons bashing against the floor and walls. Twilight looked out the open door, gasping as she saw roadsigns, a cow, half of the Sugarcube Corner sign and Derpy in a big blue police box go flying by. "Twilight... if we die, I just want you to know..." "I know Spike... me too." Spike blinked. "Wait, you also stole 20 bits out of your saddle bag." "... what?!?!" Twilight screamed. "I knew you took those bits! Spike how could-" BOOM! The pony and baby dragon both groaned, rubbing their heads. One moment they had been twisting in the air, caught in the raging grasp of the tornado... and now they were suddenly still. The books had stopped flying and they could get to their feet and hooves without pitching back and forth. "Is it over?" Spike whispered. "I... I think so." Twilight slowly stood up, only to blink when she looked down at her legs. "Hey, our color is back!" Spike grinned, kissing his hands. "Oh, I'm purple again! Thank Celestia." Twilight nodded her head, glancing out the window to see that the sky was now bright and sunny with puffy white clouds floating overhead. "And it looks like the storm cleared up too! Come on, let's go make sure no other pony was hurt." The mare took two steps out of the library before stopping dead, causing Spike to ram into her flank. "Wow...." "Geez, Twilight, why did... you..." Spike's jaw dropped as he took in the landscape. Having lived in Ponyville for the last few years, Spike had grown use to the houses being overly bright and colorful. The bakery was shaped like a cupcake, Rainbow Dash's house had rainbows gushing out of it... the word 'subtle' didn't exist in the lexicon of Ponyville architects. But the village Twilight and Spike found themselves staring at made Ponyville look like a rock farm. The houses were painted up with strips and polka dots and swirls, the flowers towered over them and the street lamps were made of candy canes. To their left were houses shaped like fruits and to their right the buildings looked like old phones and typewriters. The grass was green and blue and the clouds actually had faces on them that grinned and flashed smiles at the baffled two. "Where... where are we?" Spike muttered. "Maybe this is Ponytown," Twilight said, leaning down to sniff one of the flowers only to find that it smelled like freshly baked cherry pie. "You know, someone needs to talk to the princesses about how she names towns." "What do you mean?" Twilight asked. "Every place in Equestria is either a pun or has the word Pony- in it." "...oh Spike, you are just so silly!" Twilight laughed and began to trot around the library, inspecting it for damage. "This isn't one of you conspiracy theories, is it?" "The parliament is totally hiding information about ufos and I am going to prove it! That cigarette smoking pony is up to no good!" Spike exclaimed. "Besides, this isn't a theory, it is a fact! I mean, there is Ponyville, Ponytown, Ponyberg, Ponycity, Pony Village-" "Technically I think Pony Village is a hamlet and not a town..." "Then there is Manehattan and Detrot and Fillydelphia and Winniepeg and Prance and-" “Ok, ok, I get it,” Twilight said in annoyance. Finishing her walk around the library, the unicorn let out a breath. “Ok, good… looks like nothing was harmed.” “Except for Zecora,” Spike said. “What about Zecora?” “She was harmed.” “Really?” Twilight said with concern. “Where is she?” “Under the library,” Spike said, pointing to a set of legs protruding from the library’s foundation. The baby dragon blinked, his words finally registering in his brain. “AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Twilight let out a scream, scrambling away as she watched Zecora’s legs twitch, the ruby red shoes she was were gleaming in the sunlight. “Oh Celestia, we killed her!” “I need a knife!” Spike cried out. “What?” “A knife! We have to cut her up and throw her body parts into Soggy Bottom Bog! Then we take this to our graves!” Twilight stared at Spike in horror. “We are not cutting Zecora up and tossing her in a bog!” The baby dragon nodded. “You’re right! We’ll just plant the knife on her and tell the cops she was waving it around… while drunk! Every pony in this town is racist so they’ll believe us!” Twilight used her magic to grab Spike and give him a good shake. “What are you talking about? Zecora is our friend… we are not going to lie about this and tell the cops she was waving a knife around!” “It is the only way, Twilight!” Spike said in a panic. “Do you think we are going to be able to get away with this? This is murder!” Twilight frowned. “Well, I don’t think Equestria really has any rules on murder… or any laws, really. Heck, our most dangerous weapons are pies-“ “Twilight!” Spike screamed, fear radiating from his little body. “It doesn’t matter if the most deadly weapon is an éclair! They are going to arrest us and… and…” “Send us to magical kindergarten?” Twilight whimpered. “…jail, Twi… they are going to send us to jail. Do you know what they make you do in jail?” Twilight shook her head, her own fear slowly growing with each passing second. “Toss the salad! I hate salads and I suck at tossing them!” "Spike, I don't care what kind of cuisine they serve in prison! We are not going to lie about this and sully Zecora's name." Spike opened his mouth, only to find it shut tight by Twilight's magic. "No excuses, Spike. We are going to handle this sanely and rationally." Spike's eyes doubled in size when he heard the sound of marching hooves coming towards them. "Oh no, the popo is coming!" Twilight rolled her eyes. "Spike... breathe." The baby dragon nodded, taking several deep breaths. "Since you are so hyper, I will take care of this, understood? I will explain what happened and they will see it was an accident." Her assistant nodded his head. "Good." Twilight turned, taking several calming breaths of her own. To their amazement, the ponies that turned the corner and approached them weren't stallions in full battle armor but little fillies and colts, dressed up in garish purple outfits and silly hats. Leading the charge where Applejack and Rarity's sisters and Rainbow Dash's... uh... uh...uh… "Hello there!" the fillies called out together. "We are-" "Zecora came at us with a knife!" Twilight shouted. Spike slowly turned his head, staring at her like she had suddenly turned into a strange human-like creature with purple skin and hair (which would, for some unknown reason, make other humans scream in rage and declare that such a thing was ruining everything). "...okay," one of the fillies said slowly. "While that is strange and a bit random, we thank you for sharing it. Now then, may we have your names?" "I am William T. Dragon, but most ponies call me Spike! This is my friend, Twilight Drusilla Sparkle." "That isn't my name," Twilight said dryly. She turned towards the three lead fillies. "Come on, girls, you know who we are, stop playing around. Why are you dressed like that?" "I am afraid you are mistaken," the orange filly said. "We've never met you before, have we girls?" The other two fillies nodded in agreement. "Applebloom, Sweetie Belle-" 'Applebloom' frowned. "I'm not Applebloom!" "Then who are you?" Spike asked, before letting out a gasp. "Changelings!" he leapt onto Twilgiht's head and forced her horn down so it was pointed at the fillies. "Don't make a move! This thing is loaded and I know how to use it!" The white unicorn filly giggled. "You're silly! And my name isn't Sweetie Belle. I'm Bellie Sweet!" "I'm Bloomin' Apple!" 'Applebloom' declared. The orange mare nodded. "And I am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca III." Twilight and Spike just looked at each other. "I'm just going to call you Scootaloo, ok?" "Works for me!" Princess Banana Fana the Third stated with a grin. "Now then, allow us to greet you!" "Greet us?" "Yes!" the girls cried out as one. "For we represent the Lollipop Guild and are here to greet you! LOLLIPOP GUILD GREETERS!" Twilight and Spike glanced at each other and slowly began to back away. "Well, this has been disturbing but I think I left my oven on so-" "Girls!" Scootaloo cried out. "Look at this!" The other fillies hurried over, each grabbing a stick and poking at Zecora's legs. "We're boned," Spike muttered. "You... you killed her," Bloomin' Apple said softly. "You killed the Wicked Witch!" "We didn't mean to, we just- say what now?" Twilight said, raising an eyebrow. “Witch?” "Ding down the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!" the fillies sang. Spike turned to Twilight, a smug grin on his face. "See? Racists." Chapter 2"Alright girls, 52 verse, same as the first verse... but with pirate accents!" The Lollipop Guild members nodded. "Ar matey, the scurry witch be dead. Which bloody witch? That sea hag of a witch!" "Twilight?" Spike said softly, tugging on his tail. "Are you sure we aren't in the underwold?" "Positive." "Are you sure? Because it feels like we are in the underworld." "We aren't." "53 verse, but like Psy!" The Lollipop Guild Girls pulled on their sunglasses and began to do a weird little dance. "Oppa Oz Style!" Spike watched this before turning to Twilight. "Yes, I am still sure we aren't in hell," Twilight said. "But maybe we did something bad and now we are being punished." "We didn't do anything bad," Twilight said in annoyance. Spike pointed at Zecora's legs, which were still sticking out from under her library. "Well, we did one really bad thing..." "Hey! Sexy Witchie!" The guild sang. The unicorn sighed and fired off a bolt of magic, forcing the fillies to stop their song. The Lollipop Guild looked at her in confusion as Twilight cleared her throat. "Girls, while I think your singing is great and not at all the cause of the blood that is currently leaking from my eardrums, I have to ask... why are you calling Zecora a witch?" "Uh, because she is?" Bellie Sweet said, face scrunched up. "It would be really silly to call her something else!" Bloomin' Apple nodded. "She was really bad, Miss Sparkle! She was mean and cruel and she cut up peaches!" "So?" Spike asked. "I mean, I like fruit and-" "Peaches was our mayor," Scootaloo said. "Oh god, why won't I die?!?!" a voice cried out in agony. Twilight grimaced. "Zecora... I mean the 'witch'... did that?" "Uh huh!" the three girls said, bobbing their heads up and down. "Put me out of my misery!" Peaches screamed. "So, the witch was really bad and you wanted her gone, huh?" "Uh huh!" the fillies proclaimed. "Seriously, I'm just a head and half a lung! Why haven't I died yet?!?" "Then there must have been a reward or something, right?" Spike asked, rubbing his claws together. "SPIKE!" Twilight exclaimed. "What? We're already murderers... we might as well make some money off of this!" "Good deeds are their own reward!" a voice proclaimed. The unicorn and the dragon turned, watching as a pony in a poofy pink and white dress floated towards them inside a large soap bubble. Spotting them, the mare began to giggle as her bubble bounced along the roofs of buildings. "Hey, you girls need to try this! It's fun! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Pinkie Pie?!?" Twilight exclaimed in shock. The pink mare giggled, shaking her head. She landed and popped the bubble, showering them all in glitter. "Oh, no no no no no! I'm not this Pinkie Pie!" "Yes, you are," Twilight said slowly. "Did every pony get hit in the head and suffer brain damage or something?" "Zecora got hit in the head," Spike said, "but I think it was more than her brain that got damaged." He lifted his foot up. "Eewwww, speaking of brains..." 'Pinkie' grinned. "I am Glinda, the good witch of the North." "...right, super." Twilight turned to Spike. "Let's get the hay out of here!" she hissed, revvving up to make a daring escape. "Silly Twilight," Pinkie said with a laugh, waving her wand and wrapping Twilight and Spike in a glowing field of magic. "It is not time to run off! Now is a time of happiness! You have defeated the wicked witch who terrorized these poor fillies and colts." Spike tapped his chin. "When you say poor, do you mean in terms of 'oh, they are so sad' or 'oh, they have no money to pay out a reward'?" Once Pinkie released them Twilight whipped her tail to the side, smacking Spike across the back of his head. "Stop trying to get paid for murder." "Just cause you like killing ponies for free." "I do not like killing ponies for free!" Spike nodded. "Ok, sorry!" Twilight nodded. "Killing ZEBRAS for free..." Twilight turned to Glinda, a frown marring her features. Glinda was using her wand to put up balloons and streamers. "Do you always celebrate a violent death?" "Uh huh. We also celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and whenever a mouse sneezes." Glinda leaned in close, whispering, "It happens more often than you'd think." Twilight merely continued to give the silly mare who looked just like her friend a sour look. "Oh, come now, Twilight, turn that right-sided frown upside-down! You and your dog-" "Dragon," Spike said in annoyance. "Whatever... you and your dog defeated the evil wicked witch and none are blaming you or holding any grudges." "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Glinda looked skyward, grimacing. "Well, except her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West. She's totally going to blame ya!" "She has a sister?" Spike exclaimed. "Yeah, and she is one mean...witch." Glinda grinned. "Whoa, that was close... almost said a no-no word." Before Twilight could ask what a 'no-no' word was, the cackling that had filled the airs drew closer, causing the purple unicorn to look up. Dressed in a black designer dress and an elegant hat (with a few peacock feathers and a lovely trim done up in white diamonds), the witch landed her broom next to the group. The little fillies cowered in fear as the witch looked down her nose upon them, tossing her mane back over her shoulder. "Rarity?" Twilight said in surprise. "Rarity..." Spike whimpered, hearts in his eyes as he moved towards her. "Spike!" Twilight snapped, dragging him away. "Evil... witch." "...yeah, but what a way to go!" Spike exclaimed. Rarity looked down at the remains of Zecora and let out a wail. "Oh, my darling sister! Smushed by a house... you always feared that's how you'd die!" "She use to fear that?" Twilight said in surprise. "Yes. Though, she always assumed it would be a nice two story brownstone." "I want to die being hit by a runaway carriage being driven by Princess Cadence," Spike stated. "...good to know," Rarity said in annoyance. "If it makes you feel any better, this is technically a library," Twilight stated. "Well, technically it is a tree turned INTO a library, but still, now we are just dealing with semantics." Rarity sniffed. "Oh, that is so good to hear. My sister's spirit will rest easier what with it being a library and not a house that smushed her." The white unicorn held out her hoof. "The Wicked Witch of the West. And you are?" "They are the ones that killed your sister!" Glinda called out. "Not helping!" Twilight snarled as she saw Rarity's face cloud over in anger. "You... you are the ones that smushed my sister." "Well, not us per say," Twilight stated. "We were just riding in the library when it fell on her. We're as much the victims as her." The lavender mare looked down at Zecora's legs. "Ok, maybe not AS MUCH, but it still was bad for us." "I'd be willing to work off the debt I owe by giving you baths!" Spike called out. The Witch looked them over before shrugged. "Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles." "There are cookies?!?" Glinda exclaimed. "Where?" "You aren't upset?" Twilight asked. "Oh, blindingly so, but not at you." The Witch turned and glared at the library. "I am the Wicked Witch. You killed my sister... prepare to die." Her horn glowed and with a blast of magic she burnt the library to cinders. "There, now I feel better." "Hey!" Twilight screamed. "My dictionaries were in there!" "And it was where we lived," Spike reminded her. "And that too!" "Sorry, but your house killed my sister and honor stated I must take its life." "But we're cool, right?" Spike asked. "Indeed." "Great, so about that bath..." The Witch turned, sifting through the kindling that had once been the library with her magic. "Where are they, where are they?" "What's wrong?" Twilight asked, ignoring the whimpers of the Lollipop Guild. "My sister was wearing a pair of limited edition Jimmy Choo strappy shoes, ruby colored with a 1/16th inch heel!" The Witch frantically used her horn to lift up bits of rubble, failing to hide her disgust at having to be near the ash. "I just have to find them... I so wanted a pair myself but the day they were released was also the day I had my audition of the Oz Theater Group's production of 'Donavon's Daughters' and by the time I got to the store they were sold out!" Glinda smiled. "I know I am totally your enemy and stuff and you are a bad and meanie weanie witch... but I loved you in that play!" "Really?" The Witch said with a smile. "You were great as Ms. Specter!" "Why thank you!" the Witch gushed, before remembering the task at hand (or hoof or... whatever). "Oh, they have to be here! If I don't find them it will be the WORST... THING... EVER!" "Maybe you shouldn't have blown the library up then before grabbing them?" Scootaloo called out. When the Witch whipped around to glare at her the filly cringed. "Just... saying." Twilight, unable to watch her friend (or an evil witch that just happened to look like her friend) suffer so, trotted over and patted her on the back. "Listen... we'll help you find them." "Someone stole them!" the Witch screamed. "And whoever stole them will be punished and you will be able to do what you want to them and I'm wearing the friggin' shoes, aren't I?" Spike nodded. "Yeah, kinda just appeared on your hooves the moment you started talking." "Wonderful," Twilight said, lowering her head in despair. "MY SLIPPERS! GIVE THEM TO ME!" "Actually, I think they are shoes," Bellie Sweet said, only to shy away when the Witch glared at her. "Nevermind." Bloomin' Apple smirked. "At least I am smart enough not to annoy her." "Listen, stop panicking!" Twilight exclaimed, tugging on the shoes. "I will just take them off and-" Twilight let out several grunts as she pulled. "Ow! Ow! Stupid things won't come off!" The Witch let out a snort of rage. "You just aren't trying hard enough!" Her horn glowed and she grabbed a hedge trimmer. "Let me try!" "Begone!" Glinda said, waving her wand. "Your powers have to affect here! Leave them alone." "If you could block her like that, where were you when she burned down our library?" Spike asked. "Very well," the Witch proclaimed. "But do not think you have won! I will get my slippers-" "Shoes," Twilight reminded her. "-and I will get YOU, my pretty, and your little dog too!" "... are you coming onto me?" Twilight asked. "Huh?" the Witch said, the wind going out of her sails. "No." "Oh... I just thought, what with calling me pretty..." "Well, you are very nice to look at but-" "What do you like best about me?" Twilight asked happily. "Is it my flank? Because I do Pilates and- wait, what do you mean, 'no'? Am I not good enough for you?" "I don't-" Twilight huffed. "So it is ok for you to hit on my Number 1 Assistant but you can't spare a moment to glance at me?" Twilight huffed. The Witch frowned. "...and your little dog too!" She hopped onto her broom and took off, laughing all the way. "Not going to complain about her calling you a dog?" Twilight asked Spike. "She can call me whatever she wants," Spike said happily, hearts in his eyes. "WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME?!?" Mayor Peaches screamed. Chapter 3"Alright Spike, let us check the check list." Twilight paused, giggling to herself. "Check the checklist... I am so funny!" "Completely," Spike said dryly from his perch on Twilight's back. "Alright, I'm ready." "Let’s start with the where." "Apparently some place called Oz. I am still of the opinion we are in hell..." "And that opinion was noted in the notes." Twilight paused, a smile forming on her lips. "Ha! Did you see what I did there?" "I did." "Noted... in the notes!" Spike shook his head. "Yes twilight, you are very witty." "Yes, please make sure it is noted in the notes that I am quite notably-" "Why couldn't the library have fallen on me?" Spike muttered. "Did you say something." "Nothing!" Twilight pursed her lips but continued. "So we're establishing the where..." "Right. We are in Oz on the yellow brick road." "Are you sure it isn't gold?" Spike asked. "Of course. Do you realize how horrible a gold road would be? Gold is a soft metal, Spike. The constant treading of hooves upon it would cause it to become filled with potholes and divots. Then there is the economic impact that would come about from using gold of a building material..." "Yellow... brick... road," Spike said, adding that to the checklist. "Got it." "Ok... so the who." "The time lord, or the band or the baseball player who tends to play first base?" "I mean who is on the yellow brick road and who is on the end of said road." "Right... well, we are on the yellow brick road and according to Not-Pinkie we are head to the Emerald City to meet some doctor guy that will help us get home." "Correct," Twilight said. "And why are we walking?" "I just covered that... to find a way home." "Yes, Spike, but for the sake of recordkeeping we must-" "Hey!" a voice called out. "Hey! Git on out a here, ya varmints!" "Should we investigate?" Spike asked. "The only other choice is to keep walking down this road," Twilight commented. "Hey, if there be any ponies on the road that can help me, I'd mighty appreciate it." "... so keep walking and pretend we didn't hear anything?" Spike asked, only to earn a cool stare from Twilight. "Fine," he grumped. Twilight and Spike hopped off the Yellow Brick Road and plunged into a cornfield. Following the cries for aid, the two of them soon found themselves staring at a rather unusual sight... "Applejack?" Twilight said in shock. The earth pony that Twilight had known since first arriving in Ponyville looked down at her without even a glimmer of recognition in her eye. "I ain't heard of this Applejack fella, but he sounds like a classy stallion." 'Applejack' was, strangely enough, standing on a pole with her arms spread wide. She was dressed in the same outfit (worn britches, a flannel shirt) she had worn for Nightmare Night, save for the fact that her mane and tail were made of actual golden straw. "...right, all of you are different," Twilight muttered in annoyance. She glanced up at her friend, fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "Ok... just who are you then?" 'Applejack' leapt down from her pole and shook Twilight's hoof, shaking it so hard Spike fell from Twilight’s back with an ‘oompf!’. "I'm the Scarejack! Nice ta meet ya!" Spike held out his fist. "I prefer a hoof-bump myself." "Scarejack, huh?" Twilight said. "Uh huh! I scare crows, grow corn, guard fields, and sell propane and propane accessories!" "Wouldn't selling propane when you are full of straw be rather dangerous?" Spike asked. "No different than employing a baby dragon to work in a library full of dried out old books," Twilight reminded him. "Ha! That doesn't matter because the witch burned it down... oh." Spike's head drooped. "We're homeless AND out of a job!" "Golly, sounds like ya'll have bigger problems than I do," the Scarejack said, scratching her noggin. "What's your problem?" Twilight asked. "We heard you screaming for help." "Them dang crows are tryin' ta get at all my corn! No good feathered fiends!" Twilight raised an eyebrow as two white crows landed on the Scarejack's abandoned pole. The feathers on the top of their heads where orange, though most of these were hidden by the little hats they had donned. "I say, brother, it looks like the Scarejack has friends." "Indeed, brother, indeed she does!" Twilight frowned. "You crows sound awfully familiar..." "I would hope we sounded familiar!" the first crow replied. "We are world renowned for our grace and ingenuity!" "That is correct, my dear brother." The second crow bowed. "For I am Edgar." "And I am Allan Poe." "And we are the Edgar Allen Poe brothers!" Twilight just stared at the crows in confusion. "Ok, that is nice, but we are just going to be heading out now..." "Wait!" the Scarejack cried out. "I need ya'll to help me out! These lousy crows are tryin' to trick me out of my corn and I know that they are up ta no good! Can't ya'll help a poor fella out." "You're a girl," Spike said. "I am?" the Scarejack said, pulling open her pants and taking a look. "Boy gum, you're right! That explains a lot, I tell ya!" Twilight resisted the urge to smack her head against a table (which, for those who were not in the know, was the perfect way to deal with insanity). "Ok, so what exactly are the crows trying to do." "They are tryin' to steal my corn!" "I assure ya, dear Scarejack, we are not trying to steal this yummy corn." "Nor are we trying to pilfer, purloin or pinch it." "Correct, wonderful brother of mine." Edgar flew down and landed on the Scarejack's head, his chest puffed out as he did his best impression of a big city lawyer. "The fact remains that legally this corn is ours and while we are thankful for the Scarejack and her efforts to protect our corn from true thieves, we, the real owners, would like it back now." "My brother speaks the truth!" Allan Poe declared. "To not give of the corn would cause trouble." "That rhymes with double." "Which starts with D, which is near c, and C stands for corn!" "To protect then world for devastation! To unite all peoples within... our..." Spike blinked when he saw no one was joining in with him. "Oh, were we not doing that?" "Why do you think that you have legal rights to Apple... I mean the Scarejack's corn?" Twilight leaned in close, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I've heard this song and dance before... literally... and I am not going to stand by if you try and trick my friend into betting her fields… also, I hate musical numbers." “Since when?” Spike asked, only to be ignored. The crows shifted uneasily, clearly not liking how the purple mare was staring them down. "I... assure you that everything is on the up and up, not the down and down." "Not east or west!" Allan Poe declared. "Nor inside or out!" Edgar happily proclaimed, before grabbing a cane and striking a pose. Edgar and Allan Poe Cuss... "No!" Twilight snapped. "No songs." "Not unless it is one that is ripping off a currently popular song!" Spike said, wagging his finger at the two. "Very well," Edgar said with a sigh, pushing away the fog machine he had rented and tossing his cane away. "If you must know, we went to court and got a judge to decree that this land is ours. Seems our grandpappy owned this land before he was driven away by the Scarejack's family. We are merely rectifying an injustice." "Oh... oh." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "Well... Scarejack, did you know this?" "Yeah, them crows done whinin' about their magic paper from that judgey guy, but I told'em that I knew that were fake! Judges don't have the power to do things like that." "Huh?" Spike said. Scarejack glared at the crows. "Every straw pony knows that judges only have ONE responsibility: Determining the winners of singin' contests." "Huh?" Spike repeated. "There is always the nice dippy one, the one that uses slang and tries to appear cool, and the mean jerk ya love to hate! They bicker with each other and shill for products." "Speaking of, would any of you like an Tydal Cola?" Edgar pulled out a can of soda that had a picture of a grinning capricorn winking and popped it open. "It is so tasty and its low in calories! Kids, tell your parents-" "We get the idea," Twilight groused, before turning to Scarejack. "Listen, I am seeing why you hate these crows, but they do have a point. Judges ARE allowed to rule on land disputes and if the judge they contacted says this land belongs to them... well, short of filing an appeal there is little you can do." Scarejack stuck out her tongue. "No thanks... I don't need to flies bein' pealed." "No, I mean-" "YOu heard her!" Allan Poe declared, waved the judge's decree at them. "This land and all the yummy, yummy corn is ours!" "That is right, brother! For you see-" Before the brothers could try and sing another song, Scarejack held out her hoof. "Listen, I done sorry about all the fuss. I didn't realize this was your land... I'll leave, don't ya worry." "Uh, Twilight?" Spike said. "You two might want to hold off packing." "Why's that?" Spike snatched the decree from Allan Poe and passed it to his friend. "Maybe you should read this over." Twilight's magic snatched the decree and she began to browse over it. "... this just says, 'Corn belong to crows' and there is a picture of you two mooning Scarejack." "Dang, them judges don't mess around with the flowery language, do they? Right to the point... I can respect that!" "They are trying to trick you," Spike said calmly. "... ya sure?" "Positive." "But ya'll said-" "Ignore what we said." "Wait, if you were wrong... that means you ain't right... so that means..." "That's right," Twilight said with a smile. "You were left!" "...what?" "If ya ain't right ya left!" Spike shrugged. "Sure, why not." Edgar and Allan Poe looked at each other before slowly backing away. "Well, brother, it seems we are plucked." "We are each a sitting duck." "Because our plan is truly f-" FOOMSH! "Spike!" Twilight shouted, glaring at Spike, smoke still billowing form his mouth, before gesturing wildly at the charred remains that had once been Edgar and Allan Poe. "They were gearing up for a song!" the baby dragon complained. "I thought you'd be happy I stopped them." "It doesn't matter what they were doing, you just killed them!" "Look who is the pot calling the kettle black." The baby dragon crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. "When I kill two crows you get all grumpy. But when you kill a witch-" "Wait," Scarejack said, stepping between the two feuding friends, "you two killed the Wicked Witch." "Well... yes, but we didn't mean too!" Twilight exclaimed. Spike nodded. "But I did mean to kill those crows." "Wow, ya'll are somethin', ain't ya?" "Indeed," Spike said, admiring his talons while wearing a cocky smirk. "Now we travel from place to place, setting right that which has gone wrong... and hoping that the next leap will be the leap home." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Listen, this has been horrifying but we really need to be going. There is this Doctor we have to see-" "Wait!" Scarejack called out, grabbing onto the two and holding them still. "Maybe I should come with ya'll and help ya out." "Oh, do you like killing too?" Spike asked, only to get a knee in the gut from Twilight. Scarejack shrugged. "Can't rightly say, but I know I do want ta meet that there Doctor fella. I want ta see if he can give me a brain." "A brain?" Twilight said, confused. Scarejack blushed. "Well, it should be pretty obvious that I ain't all that good with the book learnin' and stuff. While I might have managed to get rid of those crows-" "Actually I got rid of them," Spike reminded her. "-there are goin' to be other varmints that are gonna try and get at my corn. Need to protect it and all that." "And to protect it... you are going to abandoned your field and duty," Twilight said slowly. "Boy hoodey, you are quick on the uptake!" Twilight and Spike shared a look of annoyance. "Wouldn't it be smarter to, I don't know... stay here and guard your field while taking online college classes?" "Probably," Scarejack said. "But like I told ya, I ain't smart so I can't do somethin' that is 'smarter'. I gots to do what I do!" "She does make a good point," Spike pointed out. Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine... you can abandon your duty to protect this corn so you can get a brain from a magical Doctor, thus allowing you to return and do your duty." "Yeeehaw!" Scarejack exclaimed. "Let's git a move on! Bye corn, ya'll gonna behave for me while I be gone, right?" "EEEEEYUP!" all the ears of corn drawled out. "...I am beginning to subscribe to your 'we're in hell' theory," Twilight muttered. “It’s a good theory,” Spike stated. Chapter 4"So wait, ya'll are sure that babies don't come from a stork?" Spike nodded, walking along the Yellow Brick Road with Scarejack and Twilight on either side of him. "Yeah, I think they are just a bit too heavy for them." "Then how do they come about then?" Twilight frowned in disgust. "Do we really need to have this conversation?" "I wants ta know," Scarejack stated. Spike tapped his chin, trying to think of how to best describe the miracle of procreation. "Let's pretend this stick is me," Spike said, snatched a fallen twig from the ground and twirling it between his fingers. "Only much smaller and thinner than I-" "Spike..." Twilight warned. "And this leaf is Rar... I mean a dragoness that I want to get with who is totally NOT Rarity." "Real subtle there, Spike," Twilight muttered, looking around for a table to bash her head against. "Now, I stick this stick into the leave and BOOM, you get a baby." Scarejack cringed at the sight of the ripped and torn up leave. "That sounds mighty disgustin'. Couldn't the leaf just rub against another leaf?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Huh, and I thought Rainbow Dash was the one who'd-" "Awesome sauce..." a weak voice called out to their right.”Awesome sauce..." "I'd like to again vote on us ignoring the call for help and getting a move on," Spike said. He grinned, holding out his hands. “Now, before you decide, let me lay out some of the benefits that would come from not getting involved: we would live, we could leave here sooner, no singing crows-“ Twilight shook her head, letting out a weary sigh. "No Spike." Taking a left off the yellow brick road (Exit 307 to the Dirt Packed Road, which led into the forest and also had a McDonalds to the right), the group pushed through some thick undergrowth (apparently whoever was in charge of Oz's lawn care services was slacking), heading towards the call. Finally making it through the tangled mess of long grass and bushes (without once having a wild encounter with any Pokémon, digimon or metabots) the threesome entered a clearing and discovered the source of the cries. "Rainbow Dash?" Twilight said in shock. As soon as she spoke the words, however, Twilight realized that this strange pony only had a passing resemblance to her friend. Last time Twilight had seen Rainbow, she hadn't been made of metal... and certainly didn't have any rivets or bolts holding her together. Another tale-tell sign that this wasn't Rainbow Dash was the fact that the mare hadn't moved an inch since the group had entered the clearing. Spike frowned, staring at 'Rainbow Dash' and her metal wings. "If she begins doing monologues about abstracts, I'm out of here." When Scarejack looked at him, Spike shrugged. “Seriously, who would even want to spend any time or… let’s just say 60+ chapters… listening to that.” “Better than listenin’ to some bloodthirsty capricorn,” Scarejack reasoned. "Awesome sauce," 'Rainbow' grunted out through clenched teeth, reminding them of the plot. "Lordy, that lawn ornament can talk!" Scarejack exclaimed. "What'll they think of next?" Twilight scanned the clearly, finally spotting a small oil can sitting on a stump. "Is this what you want?" 'Rainbow' began to strain and snort, trying to nod her frozen head. "She looks upset," Scarejack commented. "Maybe you should put that down." "NOOO! NOOO!" 'Rainbow' wailed. "See, she agrees with me.” Scarejack pulled out a shotgun. “Now, don’t move… I ain’t the best shot with this so it might take a few hits ta kill ya-“ Spike's brow furrowed. "She said no." "Right, and a double negatron makes it so she means the opposite." "I think you mean 'negative' and she didn't use one. She was just repeating 'nooo!' twice," Twilight stated, using her magic to lift the can up and take it over to the frozen mare. 'Rainbow' shut her eyes as the honey-colored Awesome Sauce coated her form. "You know, I once had a dream that began like this." "How did it end?" Scarejack asked. "Rainbow Dash turned into my 10th grade teacher Mr. Feeney and I realized we were in the middle of downtown Manehattan during a capricorn attack." "YES!" 'Rainbow' cried out, flexing her now freed wings. "I have been stuck there for 5 minutes and I was about ready to blow my brains out!" "Hey! No need to go wastin'em! Some of us would be likin' those brains!" Scarejack complained. “At least when I was gonna shoot ya I was aimin’ for the chest!” 'Rainbow' shrugged. "Meh, not my problem." She took to the air, happily flying in circles over their heads. "I'm just glad you nerds came by when you did!" "Nerds?" Twilight said in annoyance. "I'll have you know I am a scholar and a librarian." "A hot librarian who likes to let her hair down and party?" 'Rainbow' asked, waggling her eyebrows. "No... the kind that does her job and occasionally saves Equestria from threats because our military sucks and the captain of the guard is too busy shagging my old foalsitter." "... like I said, a nerd." "I'm not a nerd!" Spike complained. "Ask anyone in my D&D club! My Level 37 Paladin with the Staff of Eternal Frost and a Level 19 Cloak of Despair proves I am no nerd!" "I can't be a nerd," Scarejack pointed out. "Nerds are smart." 'Rainbow' flew over to Scarejack, inspecting her closely. "Huh... I need you to prove you aren't a nerd... what is 2 x 2?" Scarejack frowned. "I ain't to good at spelling thinks. Does it start with a T?" 'Rainbow' smirked. "Ok, not a nerd, just a moron!" "That's what I was tellin' ya! Thank ya!" Scarejack exclaimed. "Wait, she just-" Twilgiht began, only for Rainbow to hold her hoof up. "Give her a second." … … … … … … "...hey!" 'Rainbow' began to float on her back, giggling up a storm. "Wow, you ponies are just too easy!" Twilight glared at the metal version of her friend. "Why are you being so mean? If it weren't for us you'd be stuck here, more useless than the entire Canterlot Army!" "Well, she is all gray…oh no! She was Discorded!" Spike said, pulling out some Holy Water. "The Power of Picard compels you! The Power of Picard compels you!" "Hey, stop that!" Rainbow cried as she began to rust up. "No, stop it! No... arrrgggggggg!" Rainbow crashed to the ground, her entire right side having frozen up. "Aw man!" Twilight glared at the metal pony. "Start acting like a sane, rational mare or I am going to spray this liquid on you till you freeze up and die!" "Wow, this got grimdark in a hurry," Spike said. “Or sexy… I’m not quite sure.” "Grimdark? I ain't seein' no Dinobots." Scarejack looked around in confusion. Rainbow strained, trying to reach the awesome sauce can that Twilight was keeping juuuuuuuuust out of reach. "Ok, ok, I'll talk, I'll talk!" There metal panels that made up her form clanged as she lowered her head is sadness. "I am the Tin Dash and my story is a rather sad, moving tale that would totally win several Oscars and maybe even a Tony award." Tin Dash sighed as she began her tale. "I was born on an assembly line in Dragico City, Dragico. I was created to be the ultimate-" "Stunt pony?" Spike asked. "-killing machine. My programmer, Sky Netter, wanted me to kill all ponies because he'd once gotten a bad egg salad sandwich at a mall that is now closed." "Wow, that is the second biggest over-reaction I've ever heard of," Twilight said in shock. "What was the first?" Scarejack asked. "Well..." ~Many Years Ago~ Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun and the ruler who the most time on her hooves (seriously, she has time to check in on six mares… doesn’t she have a country to run or something?), walked through a little known part of her castle known as the ‘living room’. She looked about, her brow furrowed in annoyance. "Discord, have you seen my copy of Ponies Today?" The spirit of chaos, who was in an easy chair sipping some ice tea and reading the web comic Hearts of Plastic on TFW2005.com (coughshamelessplugcough), glanced over at the Celestia and frowned. "I think I put it in the magazine rack." "THAT ISN'T A MAGAZINE, IT IS A WEEKLY NEWS JOURNAL! STONE VISION!" "Noooooo!" Discord cried out in agony as he was turned to stone. ~Meanwhile, back at the plot...~ "Ha!" Tin Dash laughed. "That Discord guy sure got screwed over like a little punk!" "You really are heartless, aren't you?" Spike said. Tin Dash frowned at this. "And I wouldn't I be? I am a super awesome flyer that rusts as soon as she gets a drop of water on her." Tin Dash lifted her rusty wing as proof. "To make matters worse, my creator ended up being contacted by the makers of the sandwich and they apologized and gave him a gift card to Quills of Sofas! Now he doesn't want to kill all ponies so I am jobless." Tin Dash kicked at a dirt clod. "Then there was a fire at my apartment so now I have to live in this crappy forest." "I don't think it’s that bad," Spike said. "Maybe a bit dark but you put up some curtains, maybe dust a bit-" "No, that is its name: This Crappy Forest." Tin Dash gestured towards a Historical Site Sign that was slightly hidden behind an oak tree. "It was first settled by Baron Von This Crappy and his wife, the Baroness That Crappy. That Crappy Forest is just a few miles away." "Huh," Twilight stared at this info. "I should complain about the nonsensicalness of all that, but then I realize that I live in Ponyville, the most unoriginally named town ever." Rainbow nodded sadly. "Plus my creator forgot to install my heart." She opened her chest to reveal the cavity to be empty. "It’s kinda like what happened to Dumby McGee over here." "Where's Dummy?" Scarejack exclaimed, rushing over to a rose bush and sticking her head in. "hello, Miss McGee? Where ya at? Please come out, this bush if giving me cut-kisses!” "She was talking about you," Spike said. Scarejack yanked her head out of the rose bush. "... my last name is McGee?" "Sure, why not." Twilight sighed, rubbing her temples. "Listen, the little fillies in the village a few miles from here said that in the Emerald City there is a Doctor who can get me home. I am sure he can get you a heart too." "Why would you think that?" Dash asked, finally managing to snag the awesome sauce and pour it all over her metallic body (it wasn’t as sexy as it sounds). "Seems like you are taking a pretty big logical leap." "He's a doctor... it makes more sense for him to give out hearts and brains then tickets home." "Plus," Spike added, "we already killed a witch and two crows, so having a robotic monster would be nice." "You are going to kill things?" Tin Dash said excitedly. "Count me in!" "We are not going to kill things!" Twilight exclaimed in frustration, punching a tree with her hoof. "I swear, not a single thing will die by my hoof while I am here!" "Then... why did you kill me?" the tree Twilight had struck whined before falling over, dead. "... starting now!" Twilight declared. Chapter 5"So what, ya mean ta tell me that Superstallion let all them ponies die?" Spike shook his head, trying to convey exactly what he was trying to...er...convey. "Well... yeah, but you have to remember that he was fighting General Trot! It wasn't like he could just scowl at him and make him stop. The battle was realistic and there was going to be collateral damage no matter what. Yes, some ponies might have died but if he hadn't focused on winning the fight millions more would have perished." "well, he still shouldn't have done all that!" Scarejack complained, shaking her head sadly. "Superstallion use to stand for somethin'. Use to be a defender of Truth, Justice, and the Ozian-" "Equestrian," Spike stated. "Whatever. The point is that he is suppose to be the noble superhero... not the one that goes around breakin' anything he sees! Just a plum shame, it is." "I think it is cool that Superstallion actually took off the colt hooves and threw down with a baddie for one!" Tin Dash declared, pumping her hoof. "Just like Batstallion. Now THERE is a superhero!" "Ugh, I hate Batstallion!" Scarejack complained. "He's so grim and brooding!" "And he kicks flank!" Tin Dash declared. "I am vengeance... I am the night... I am Batstallion!" Scarjack scoffed. "I am a crybaby, I can't stop whining, I am Bruce Mane, King of Daddy Issues." "You shut your straw spouting mouth!" Tin Dash shouted. "No one insults Batstallion!" "Make me, ya overgrown waterin' can!" Scarejack snarled, butting her head against the metal pony's. Spike glanced over at Twilight, all to use to Rainbow and Applejack fighting (even if these were alternate versions of them). "Who do you prefer, Twilight?" Twilight, who had been trying her hardest to drown out the bickering trio as they made their way down the Yellow Brick Road, let out a sigh. "I don't read comic strips." "Comic... strips?" Tin Dash screeched, pulling away from Scarejack to stare at Twilight. "Strips?!?" "Twilight..." Spike moaned, slapping his hand against his forehead. The lavender mare looked at them, confused. "What? I just don't find them that funny. Now Maraduke? That's funny!" Twilight trotted ahead, laughing her herself, not seeing the looks of horror on the others' faces. "That big dog gets in all the strangest places!" "That mare ain't right," the walking scarecrow told the metal pony as they walked down a gold road to meet a magical Doctor. Tin Dash looked at Twilight, her shoulders slumped and brow furrowed. "You are the worse kind of pony." "Because I don't read comic strips?" "Books! Comic books!" the three of them shouted. Twilight's brow screwed up. "Isn't it kinda pathetic to be reading books about grown stallions running around in spandex fighting bad guys while big BAMF! and WHAM! shapes appear?" Tin Dash smirked. "Hey, its better than being a grown stallion who reads stories about cartoon characters that were originally marketed to little girls." The foursome slowly turned and looked at one particular spot (which, if this were a sitcom, would have been where the camera was). "Seriously, Twi," Scarejack said once they were done staring, "how can ya not like them comic books! They are exciting and full of danger and passion-" "And suddenly it makes sense why she hates them," Spike muttered under his breath. "Um... nothing to see here... please keep going," a voice whispered. The foursome all stopped, blinking in confusion. "Did... did anypony also hear that?" Twilight asked. Spike nodded. "Yeah... it was like a faint whispering." "It was a voice on the breeze," Tin Dash stated. "It was like a million voices crying out in horror, only to be silenced," Scarejack commented. The others looked at her and she shook her head. "Wait... no... no. Sorry, I was hearin' somethin' else. Nevermind." "Just... just go. Nothing to see here." "Ok, if it asks us to build a baseball field in the middle of some corn, its just them dang crows tryin' to trick us," Scarejack stated. "Where is it coming from?" Spike asked, getting seriously creeped out by the voice. The others began to look around, trying to find the source of the mysterious whisper (and unlike LOST, there was a good chance they would actually get some answers). "Definitely not from the tree to your right," the voice whispered frantically. "Nope... not the tree at all. You should... uh... maybe ignore it, if you could? Please?" "Ok, with it established that the whispers ain't comin' from the tree to the right, I think we should focus on our left," Scaejack stated happily, knocking over some rocks and looking under them for the voice. "Nothin' under here!" "Geez..." Tin Dash whined, darting over to the tree on the right. "Get over here and help me shake this tree!" "But the voice said-" "It... lied," Tin Dash stated slowly. "...oooohhh!" Scarejack exclaimed. "So it did what my Uncle Bubbles did when he was asked if he had violated his court order!" "Not lying," the voice whimpered. "Just... just go away... please..." "What if we don't?" Twilight asked, wanting to get to the bottom of all of this. "I'll... I'll use my tree magic on you." A branch slowly descended, half-heartedly trying to bop Tin Dash on the head. "So...so just go now... ok? Thanks." "...that's it?" Spike asked. "Yes," the 'tree' said. "I hope I didn't hit you too hard." "Devil tree!" Scarejack proclaimed, rushing the tree and giving it a hard buck. They heard a cry of alarm as the tree trembled and the source of the whispers fell to the ground in a heap. She was yellow lion with a pink fluffy mane (and yes, everyone knows that only male lions have manes... but lets face it, in a land of flying ponies and unicorns, a maned female lion isn't that strange) and big, bright eyes. Realizing she was spotted, the lioness grabbed her branch and tried to hide behind it. "...let me guess," Twilight said dryly, "you're Flutterlion, aren't you?" "Nope, I'm just a tree." "No you aren't," Twilight snapped. "Um... yes... yes I am." "Then perform photosynthesis." Flutterlion screwed up her face and strained. "I really hope it’s only acorns that come out," Tin Dash commented in disgust. "Flutterlion, just stop." Twilight shook her head in annoyance. Flutterlion opened one eye, meekly watching Twilight's every move. "You aren't a tree, so stop pretending, alright?" "But.. but I want to be a tree." "Why?" Spike asked. "Being a tree is boring." "Is...that...so?" Treebeard the Ent asked, strolling past them. Spike grimaced and hid behind Scarejack. "Sorry!" "Way to be racist," Tin Dash commented. Twilight waited for Treebeard to pass (which took about 30 minutes... Ents hate to be hasty) before turning her attention back to Flutterlion. "Listen... you might not believe me now but I am your friend and I want to help you. Its clear to all of us that you are scared and-" "The Doctor can help ya out!" Scarejack proclaimed. "Wait, no, that’s not what I was going to say," Twilight stammered, wanting to stop this line of thought before it lead to misery and insanity; sadly, a snowball with a tiny hat on it would have a better chance surviving in Hell than sanity and reason winning out for Twilight. Tin Dash didn't hear a word Twilight said (or she did and just chose to ignore her... like most ponies). "Yeah, the Doctor is going to totally get me a heart and Dumb-Dumb here a brain!" Scarejack happily nodded her head in agreement. "I bet you he could cram some courage into you and make you as awesome as I am!" Spike rubbed his chin. "Having a vicious lion on the team would make murdering ponies easier." "No!" Twilight screamed, stopping her hoof. "No!" She whipped around, her horn glowing as she laid into her traveling companions. "I don't care if this Doctor was a great and powerful wizard-" "Yeah, because then he'd be Trixie!" Spike proclaimed. "I have no idea who that is," Twilight stated before returning to the really matter at hand...er... hoof. "It doesn't matter what the Doctor is, he would not be able to get you what you want! Scarejack, you think a new brain will help but brains don't work that way! You can't just jam another one in and make yourself a genius!" Scarejack scratched her chin. "What if he gently slid it in instead of crammin' it-" "NO!" Twilight roared, her bellow so loud that Flutterlion made a mental note to ask the unicorn how she managed to roar that loudly. "And Tin Dash, you don't need a heart... you already have a heart that pumps blood through your body... or a mechanical pump that drives oil through your tubes..." Twilight's anger faded for a moment as she considered Tin Dash's biology. "Come to think of it, how are either of you alive? You are clearly a robot but I've seen not gears or electronics and Scarejack is literally made of straw. I mean, I know straw was once alive but last I checked it didn't walk around chatting about the latest dance crazes." "I just can't ever get jiggy with it," Scarejack said sadly. "Maybe they were enchanted," Spike offered. "Maybe there really is magic here in this land and it animated the both of them, giving them life." Twilight sadly shook her head. "Spike, Spike, Spike... everypony knows that magic doesn't do that. All magic can do is send you back in time, teleport you to different places, move celestial bodies, and help you weild mystical items that send rainbow blasts of friendship at your enemies. Oh, and sometimes it creates mustaches." Twilight laughed. "Animating robots and scarecrows... Spike, you are so silly." "Yeah, I guess that was pretty dumb," Spike muttered, kicking at a yellow stone. "Made sense to me!" Scarejack happily proclaimed. "And that just sealed the deal," Tin Dash stated. Twilight reached over and pulled Flutterlion, who was attempting to skitter away while the others were occupied, back over to the ground. "Listen, the point I am trying to make is that all of our problems can't be fixed quickly and simply. If Scarejack wants to be more intelligent she needs to take some night classes at the local Community Center or take mail-away college courses. Only through hard work and dedication can she gain knowledge." "Lordy, that done sound hard... maybe I should just stick to bein' dumb!" Twilight shook her head. "But being smart is great! Just look at me... I am a genius and I have a steady job and a baby dragon as my assistant-" "And you have no social life and never even kissed a boy..." Spike commented. "I have too kissed a boy!" Twilight complained, glaring at the purple dragon. "Really?" Scarejack asked, her interest piqued. "Dish, dish!" "Yeah, tell us about him!" Tin Dash proclaimed. Twilight grimaced slightly. "Uh... well... his name is George... Glass. George Glass. And I totally kissed him and it was hot." "You kissed a boy?" Flutterlion said, her face screwed up in disgust. "Yes, yes I did!" Twilight proclaimed, sweating bullets. "But enough about my love life; we are here to talk about you three and your psychological deficiencies." Twilight pointed her hoof at Tin Dash, glad to be focusing on someone else's lousy life. "Now, as for you... no heart or pump or anything like that is going to help you. Your problem is that you are anti-social and mean-spirited. Normally I would recommend a good blast from the Elements of Harmony, but since I don't have them on me I'm going to suggest medication." Tin Dash scoffed. "Sorry, but there is no meds that could handle my awesomeness." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you definitely need some pills." She turned to Fluttelion, her horn flaring as she summoned Rarity's fainting couch, which Flutterlion was promptly placed upon, and a pair of glasses, which she donned before patting the lioness on the head. "Now then, if you want courage you will need to work through your issues. Lets start with what you think the Doctor could provide you with." "A kidney." Twilight blinked in confusion. "A...kidney?" "Oh yes," Flutterlion said, nodding happily. "You said he was a Doctor, right? Well, I need a kidney." "To... make you brave?" "Yes." "...no, Flutterlion." "No?" The lioness' head drooped. Twilight nodded, hating to upset her friend but needing to set her straight. "No. Courage doesn't come from your kidneys, it comes from your spirit and your will. If you want to be brave you have to work to conquer your fears and not allow them to dominate your life. Now then... what is your biggest fear?' Flutterlion considered this. "Well... I guess my biggest fear would be that I'll be dragged away from my dialysis machine and my kidneys will begin to fail." "...what?" The yellow lioness blushed. "Didn't... didn't I tell you that I was in need of a kidney transplant?" Twilight shut her eyes. "You know what, let’s go to the friggin' Doctor and see if he can get you some kidneys." "Oh... ok." "Think he can get me a brain too?" Scarejack asked. "Yeah, whatever," Twilight grumbled, giving up. "And maybe he can give me a new brain too." Spike sighed as they began walking down the Yellow Brick Road once more. "If only we'd known about this beforehand we could have harvested that witch's organs!" "Uh huh," Twilight said dully, her braining having checked out due to the utter stupidity around her.
Chapter 1Spike yawned as he walked down the stairs, rubbing his eyes in a futile attempt to remove the sleep from them. "Hey Twilight, two questions." "Yes Spike?" Twilight asked, flipping through a book, an utterly bored expression flashing across her features. "First off, do we have any more of the macaroni salad from last night?" "I think there is a bit in the fridge.” "Sweet.” “You aren’t seriously going to eat that for breakfast, are you?” Twilight asked in disgust. When the baby dragon merely nodded Twilight rolled her eyes and muttered, “boys.” “Second question... why am I black and white?" The unicorn glanced up at the baby dragon, who was holding out his hand. The normally brilliant purple scales that adorned him were now a muted gray, while his belly was a pale grayish-white and his spines were black."And why are you black and white as well?" Spike asked, before his eyes widened in horror. "Oh no... is Discord running amuck?" "No, he's busy bothering the griffins, last a heard." "Are you sure? Are you sure you haven't been Discorded and Fluttershy isn't going to burst in here and beat us up?" The baby dragon whimpered at the memory… ~MC~MC~MC~ “Give me your lunch money!” Discorded Fluttershy screamed. “Here it is!” Spike whimpered. “Good,” Fluttershy said, pausing for a moment before reaching down and grasping Spike’s underwear. “WEDGIE!” ~MC~MC~MC~ “And that’s why I don’t want pants anymore.” "It isn’t Discord. If it was Discord, do you think the library would be black and white as well?" Twilight tapped her chin. "Actually, I think the proper term is grayscale..." "Twilight... why do we look like this?" "Oh, sorry Spike," Twilight said. Her horn glowed a pale whitish color and a small book floated over to the baby dragon. "I was trying out a new chameleon spell last night and I must have mixed up a few words." "Oh... ok," Spike said, making his way to the kitchen. He had long gotten use to Twilight mixing up a spell and causing havoc (after he’d woken up cuddling in her arms after that botched Love Potion #9 incident, nothing had phased him). "As long as being black and white-" "Grayscale." "-doesn't affect my taste buds." Spike pulled out the tub and happily began to chow down. "So, what are we gonna do today?" "Nothing," the unicorn said glumly. Twilight looked out her window, eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Spike, do you remember that chant performed by adolescent ponies that is suppose to drive monsoons from the area for a period greater than 24 hours?" Spike, one hand holding the salad and another a battered copy of Lunassic Park (which was about an island where Princess Luna had cloned large lizards which ended up breaking free), looked over at his friend/mentor/sister/mother/jailkeeper (depending on which fanon you subscribe to). Having spent so much time with her, he had become apt at translating 'Twilight Speak' and thus understood right away what she was getting at. "Do you mean "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day"?" "That's the one," Twilight said with a sigh. "Do you think I can chant it now and make it work, or should I don some festive robes and light some candles before invoking those dark forces?" "Why are you upset, Twilight? I would have thought you'd like the fact that you now had an excuse to just stay inside and read books." "Normally I would," Twilight admitted. "But I had been planning this experiment to determine to velocity of an unladen swallow and now I have to put it off. The addition of rain to the test run would only corrupt the data." "Zebrica or Equestrian?" "Huh?" "What kind of swallow?" Spike asked, settling down in a chair with his book and food. "I mean, I couldn't see a Zebrican swallow being able to beat one that lived here, since an Equestrian swallow would know the lay of the land..." "I don't know what kind of swallows they are," Twilight complained, trotting over to her couch and flopping upon it in a very not-Twilight sort of way. "What do I look like, a bird... identifying... pony?" "Bird identifying pony?" Spike said in confusion. "Lay off," Twilight grunted. "I'm just surprised you don't know what type of swallow it is. I mean, you know everything." "Not when it comes to birds. Do I look like Scootaloo?" Spike's eyes lit up in delight. "Did I tell you about the new origin story I heard about her? You see-" "Spike," Twilight said sternly, cutting him off, "no one wants to hear another origin story." "Better than hearing Pinkie tell those tales about the black alicorn with silver wings." "Agreed," Twilight said with a shudder. The unicorn looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes, not really saying or even thinking anything (she found the experience odd and was eternally grateful she wasn't one of the background ponies that lived around Ponyville, forced to act that way day in and day out). "Why did the pegasi have the schedule a thunderstorm today of all days? Why not next week or never ever?" she whined. "Uh, Twi?" Spike said, brow furrowed. "They didn't schedule a thunderstorm." "They didn't?" Twilight said, eyeing the dark sky outside her window. She suddenly realized that maybe her grayscale spell had affected the sky too and what she thought were rainclouds were in fact light, puffy clouds. "Nope." "Oh... well great! Now I can do my experiment!" She trotted to the door and threw it open, "Spike, get my-" "They did schedule a tornado, though" Spike called out. "Say what now?" "A-" A great roaring sound filled their ears and the two friends turned just in time to see a MASSIVE twister bearing down upon the Ponyville LIbrary. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight slammed the door shut and quickly locked every deadbolt she had (she'd installed them to prevent Pinkie from sneaking in and using her bathtub to make homemade frosting... don't ask, it is a long story). Using her magic, Twilight quickly pulled Spike under the table, covering her eyes as the library trembled. "Why did you lock the door?" Spike asked, using his book as a makeshift helmet. "What?" Twilight called out over the roar of the storm. "Why did you lock the door?" "To keep the tornado out!" Twilight called out over the roar of the twister. "That doesn't-" KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Don't say a word," Twilight whispered. "Maybe it will think we aren't at home and go bother some other pony." "It's a tornado, Twilight, not a Luna's Witness!" Before Twilight could make a retort there was a final boom and the roaring of the storm became quite muted. Twilight huffed, trotting over to the door with a superior smile on her face. "What did I tell you, Spike? The twister moved on." Twilight undid her locks and opened the door. "Now then... hey, I don't remember Cloudsdale being directly under the libraAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight fell backwards as the library, which had been ripped from its foundation and was now spinning about in the main wall of the tornado, tilted this way and that, sending books, scrolls, ponies and baby dragons bashing against the floor and walls. Twilight looked out the open door, gasping as she saw roadsigns, a cow, half of the Sugarcube Corner sign and Derpy in a big blue police box go flying by. "Twilight... if we die, I just want you to know..." "I know Spike... me too." Spike blinked. "Wait, you also stole 20 bits out of your saddle bag." "... what?!?!" Twilight screamed. "I knew you took those bits! Spike how could-" BOOM! The pony and baby dragon both groaned, rubbing their heads. One moment they had been twisting in the air, caught in the raging grasp of the tornado... and now they were suddenly still. The books had stopped flying and they could get to their feet and hooves without pitching back and forth. "Is it over?" Spike whispered. "I... I think so." Twilight slowly stood up, only to blink when she looked down at her legs. "Hey, our color is back!" Spike grinned, kissing his hands. "Oh, I'm purple again! Thank Celestia." Twilight nodded her head, glancing out the window to see that the sky was now bright and sunny with puffy white clouds floating overhead. "And it looks like the storm cleared up too! Come on, let's go make sure no other pony was hurt." The mare took two steps out of the library before stopping dead, causing Spike to ram into her flank. "Wow...." "Geez, Twilight, why did... you..." Spike's jaw dropped as he took in the landscape. Having lived in Ponyville for the last few years, Spike had grown use to the houses being overly bright and colorful. The bakery was shaped like a cupcake, Rainbow Dash's house had rainbows gushing out of it... the word 'subtle' didn't exist in the lexicon of Ponyville architects. But the village Twilight and Spike found themselves staring at made Ponyville look like a rock farm. The houses were painted up with strips and polka dots and swirls, the flowers towered over them and the street lamps were made of candy canes. To their left were houses shaped like fruits and to their right the buildings looked like old phones and typewriters. The grass was green and blue and the clouds actually had faces on them that grinned and flashed smiles at the baffled two. "Where... where are we?" Spike muttered. "Maybe this is Ponytown," Twilight said, leaning down to sniff one of the flowers only to find that it smelled like freshly baked cherry pie. "You know, someone needs to talk to the princesses about how she names towns." "What do you mean?" Twilight asked. "Every place in Equestria is either a pun or has the word Pony- in it." "...oh Spike, you are just so silly!" Twilight laughed and began to trot around the library, inspecting it for damage. "This isn't one of you conspiracy theories, is it?" "The parliament is totally hiding information about ufos and I am going to prove it! That cigarette smoking pony is up to no good!" Spike exclaimed. "Besides, this isn't a theory, it is a fact! I mean, there is Ponyville, Ponytown, Ponyberg, Ponycity, Pony Village-" "Technically I think Pony Village is a hamlet and not a town..." "Then there is Manehattan and Detrot and Fillydelphia and Winniepeg and Prance and-" “Ok, ok, I get it,” Twilight said in annoyance. Finishing her walk around the library, the unicorn let out a breath. “Ok, good… looks like nothing was harmed.” “Except for Zecora,” Spike said. “What about Zecora?” “She was harmed.” “Really?” Twilight said with concern. “Where is she?” “Under the library,” Spike said, pointing to a set of legs protruding from the library’s foundation. The baby dragon blinked, his words finally registering in his brain. “AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Twilight let out a scream, scrambling away as she watched Zecora’s legs twitch, the ruby red shoes she was were gleaming in the sunlight. “Oh Celestia, we killed her!” “I need a knife!” Spike cried out. “What?” “A knife! We have to cut her up and throw her body parts into Soggy Bottom Bog! Then we take this to our graves!” Twilight stared at Spike in horror. “We are not cutting Zecora up and tossing her in a bog!” The baby dragon nodded. “You’re right! We’ll just plant the knife on her and tell the cops she was waving it around… while drunk! Every pony in this town is racist so they’ll believe us!” Twilight used her magic to grab Spike and give him a good shake. “What are you talking about? Zecora is our friend… we are not going to lie about this and tell the cops she was waving a knife around!” “It is the only way, Twilight!” Spike said in a panic. “Do you think we are going to be able to get away with this? This is murder!” Twilight frowned. “Well, I don’t think Equestria really has any rules on murder… or any laws, really. Heck, our most dangerous weapons are pies-“ “Twilight!” Spike screamed, fear radiating from his little body. “It doesn’t matter if the most deadly weapon is an éclair! They are going to arrest us and… and…” “Send us to magical kindergarten?” Twilight whimpered. “…jail, Twi… they are going to send us to jail. Do you know what they make you do in jail?” Twilight shook her head, her own fear slowly growing with each passing second. “Toss the salad! I hate salads and I suck at tossing them!” "Spike, I don't care what kind of cuisine they serve in prison! We are not going to lie about this and sully Zecora's name." Spike opened his mouth, only to find it shut tight by Twilight's magic. "No excuses, Spike. We are going to handle this sanely and rationally." Spike's eyes doubled in size when he heard the sound of marching hooves coming towards them. "Oh no, the popo is coming!" Twilight rolled her eyes. "Spike... breathe." The baby dragon nodded, taking several deep breaths. "Since you are so hyper, I will take care of this, understood? I will explain what happened and they will see it was an accident." Her assistant nodded his head. "Good." Twilight turned, taking several calming breaths of her own. To their amazement, the ponies that turned the corner and approached them weren't stallions in full battle armor but little fillies and colts, dressed up in garish purple outfits and silly hats. Leading the charge where Applejack and Rarity's sisters and Rainbow Dash's... uh... uh...uh… "Hello there!" the fillies called out together. "We are-" "Zecora came at us with a knife!" Twilight shouted. Spike slowly turned his head, staring at her like she had suddenly turned into a strange human-like creature with purple skin and hair (which would, for some unknown reason, make other humans scream in rage and declare that such a thing was ruining everything). "...okay," one of the fillies said slowly. "While that is strange and a bit random, we thank you for sharing it. Now then, may we have your names?" "I am William T. Dragon, but most ponies call me Spike! This is my friend, Twilight Drusilla Sparkle." "That isn't my name," Twilight said dryly. She turned towards the three lead fillies. "Come on, girls, you know who we are, stop playing around. Why are you dressed like that?" "I am afraid you are mistaken," the orange filly said. "We've never met you before, have we girls?" The other two fillies nodded in agreement. "Applebloom, Sweetie Belle-" 'Applebloom' frowned. "I'm not Applebloom!" "Then who are you?" Spike asked, before letting out a gasp. "Changelings!" he leapt onto Twilgiht's head and forced her horn down so it was pointed at the fillies. "Don't make a move! This thing is loaded and I know how to use it!" The white unicorn filly giggled. "You're silly! And my name isn't Sweetie Belle. I'm Bellie Sweet!" "I'm Bloomin' Apple!" 'Applebloom' declared. The orange mare nodded. "And I am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca III." Twilight and Spike just looked at each other. "I'm just going to call you Scootaloo, ok?" "Works for me!" Princess Banana Fana the Third stated with a grin. "Now then, allow us to greet you!" "Greet us?" "Yes!" the girls cried out as one. "For we represent the Lollipop Guild and are here to greet you! LOLLIPOP GUILD GREETERS!" Twilight and Spike glanced at each other and slowly began to back away. "Well, this has been disturbing but I think I left my oven on so-" "Girls!" Scootaloo cried out. "Look at this!" The other fillies hurried over, each grabbing a stick and poking at Zecora's legs. "We're boned," Spike muttered. "You... you killed her," Bloomin' Apple said softly. "You killed the Wicked Witch!" "We didn't mean to, we just- say what now?" Twilight said, raising an eyebrow. “Witch?” "Ding down the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!" the fillies sang. Spike turned to Twilight, a smug grin on his face. "See? Racists."
Chapter 2"Alright girls, 52 verse, same as the first verse... but with pirate accents!" The Lollipop Guild members nodded. "Ar matey, the scurry witch be dead. Which bloody witch? That sea hag of a witch!" "Twilight?" Spike said softly, tugging on his tail. "Are you sure we aren't in the underwold?" "Positive." "Are you sure? Because it feels like we are in the underworld." "We aren't." "53 verse, but like Psy!" The Lollipop Guild Girls pulled on their sunglasses and began to do a weird little dance. "Oppa Oz Style!" Spike watched this before turning to Twilight. "Yes, I am still sure we aren't in hell," Twilight said. "But maybe we did something bad and now we are being punished." "We didn't do anything bad," Twilight said in annoyance. Spike pointed at Zecora's legs, which were still sticking out from under her library. "Well, we did one really bad thing..." "Hey! Sexy Witchie!" The guild sang. The unicorn sighed and fired off a bolt of magic, forcing the fillies to stop their song. The Lollipop Guild looked at her in confusion as Twilight cleared her throat. "Girls, while I think your singing is great and not at all the cause of the blood that is currently leaking from my eardrums, I have to ask... why are you calling Zecora a witch?" "Uh, because she is?" Bellie Sweet said, face scrunched up. "It would be really silly to call her something else!" Bloomin' Apple nodded. "She was really bad, Miss Sparkle! She was mean and cruel and she cut up peaches!" "So?" Spike asked. "I mean, I like fruit and-" "Peaches was our mayor," Scootaloo said. "Oh god, why won't I die?!?!" a voice cried out in agony. Twilight grimaced. "Zecora... I mean the 'witch'... did that?" "Uh huh!" the three girls said, bobbing their heads up and down. "Put me out of my misery!" Peaches screamed. "So, the witch was really bad and you wanted her gone, huh?" "Uh huh!" the fillies proclaimed. "Seriously, I'm just a head and half a lung! Why haven't I died yet?!?" "Then there must have been a reward or something, right?" Spike asked, rubbing his claws together. "SPIKE!" Twilight exclaimed. "What? We're already murderers... we might as well make some money off of this!" "Good deeds are their own reward!" a voice proclaimed. The unicorn and the dragon turned, watching as a pony in a poofy pink and white dress floated towards them inside a large soap bubble. Spotting them, the mare began to giggle as her bubble bounced along the roofs of buildings. "Hey, you girls need to try this! It's fun! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Pinkie Pie?!?" Twilight exclaimed in shock. The pink mare giggled, shaking her head. She landed and popped the bubble, showering them all in glitter. "Oh, no no no no no! I'm not this Pinkie Pie!" "Yes, you are," Twilight said slowly. "Did every pony get hit in the head and suffer brain damage or something?" "Zecora got hit in the head," Spike said, "but I think it was more than her brain that got damaged." He lifted his foot up. "Eewwww, speaking of brains..." 'Pinkie' grinned. "I am Glinda, the good witch of the North." "...right, super." Twilight turned to Spike. "Let's get the hay out of here!" she hissed, revvving up to make a daring escape. "Silly Twilight," Pinkie said with a laugh, waving her wand and wrapping Twilight and Spike in a glowing field of magic. "It is not time to run off! Now is a time of happiness! You have defeated the wicked witch who terrorized these poor fillies and colts." Spike tapped his chin. "When you say poor, do you mean in terms of 'oh, they are so sad' or 'oh, they have no money to pay out a reward'?" Once Pinkie released them Twilight whipped her tail to the side, smacking Spike across the back of his head. "Stop trying to get paid for murder." "Just cause you like killing ponies for free." "I do not like killing ponies for free!" Spike nodded. "Ok, sorry!" Twilight nodded. "Killing ZEBRAS for free..." Twilight turned to Glinda, a frown marring her features. Glinda was using her wand to put up balloons and streamers. "Do you always celebrate a violent death?" "Uh huh. We also celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and whenever a mouse sneezes." Glinda leaned in close, whispering, "It happens more often than you'd think." Twilight merely continued to give the silly mare who looked just like her friend a sour look. "Oh, come now, Twilight, turn that right-sided frown upside-down! You and your dog-" "Dragon," Spike said in annoyance. "Whatever... you and your dog defeated the evil wicked witch and none are blaming you or holding any grudges." "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Glinda looked skyward, grimacing. "Well, except her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West. She's totally going to blame ya!" "She has a sister?" Spike exclaimed. "Yeah, and she is one mean...witch." Glinda grinned. "Whoa, that was close... almost said a no-no word." Before Twilight could ask what a 'no-no' word was, the cackling that had filled the airs drew closer, causing the purple unicorn to look up. Dressed in a black designer dress and an elegant hat (with a few peacock feathers and a lovely trim done up in white diamonds), the witch landed her broom next to the group. The little fillies cowered in fear as the witch looked down her nose upon them, tossing her mane back over her shoulder. "Rarity?" Twilight said in surprise. "Rarity..." Spike whimpered, hearts in his eyes as he moved towards her. "Spike!" Twilight snapped, dragging him away. "Evil... witch." "...yeah, but what a way to go!" Spike exclaimed. Rarity looked down at the remains of Zecora and let out a wail. "Oh, my darling sister! Smushed by a house... you always feared that's how you'd die!" "She use to fear that?" Twilight said in surprise. "Yes. Though, she always assumed it would be a nice two story brownstone." "I want to die being hit by a runaway carriage being driven by Princess Cadence," Spike stated. "...good to know," Rarity said in annoyance. "If it makes you feel any better, this is technically a library," Twilight stated. "Well, technically it is a tree turned INTO a library, but still, now we are just dealing with semantics." Rarity sniffed. "Oh, that is so good to hear. My sister's spirit will rest easier what with it being a library and not a house that smushed her." The white unicorn held out her hoof. "The Wicked Witch of the West. And you are?" "They are the ones that killed your sister!" Glinda called out. "Not helping!" Twilight snarled as she saw Rarity's face cloud over in anger. "You... you are the ones that smushed my sister." "Well, not us per say," Twilight stated. "We were just riding in the library when it fell on her. We're as much the victims as her." The lavender mare looked down at Zecora's legs. "Ok, maybe not AS MUCH, but it still was bad for us." "I'd be willing to work off the debt I owe by giving you baths!" Spike called out. The Witch looked them over before shrugged. "Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles." "There are cookies?!?" Glinda exclaimed. "Where?" "You aren't upset?" Twilight asked. "Oh, blindingly so, but not at you." The Witch turned and glared at the library. "I am the Wicked Witch. You killed my sister... prepare to die." Her horn glowed and with a blast of magic she burnt the library to cinders. "There, now I feel better." "Hey!" Twilight screamed. "My dictionaries were in there!" "And it was where we lived," Spike reminded her. "And that too!" "Sorry, but your house killed my sister and honor stated I must take its life." "But we're cool, right?" Spike asked. "Indeed." "Great, so about that bath..." The Witch turned, sifting through the kindling that had once been the library with her magic. "Where are they, where are they?" "What's wrong?" Twilight asked, ignoring the whimpers of the Lollipop Guild. "My sister was wearing a pair of limited edition Jimmy Choo strappy shoes, ruby colored with a 1/16th inch heel!" The Witch frantically used her horn to lift up bits of rubble, failing to hide her disgust at having to be near the ash. "I just have to find them... I so wanted a pair myself but the day they were released was also the day I had my audition of the Oz Theater Group's production of 'Donavon's Daughters' and by the time I got to the store they were sold out!" Glinda smiled. "I know I am totally your enemy and stuff and you are a bad and meanie weanie witch... but I loved you in that play!" "Really?" The Witch said with a smile. "You were great as Ms. Specter!" "Why thank you!" the Witch gushed, before remembering the task at hand (or hoof or... whatever). "Oh, they have to be here! If I don't find them it will be the WORST... THING... EVER!" "Maybe you shouldn't have blown the library up then before grabbing them?" Scootaloo called out. When the Witch whipped around to glare at her the filly cringed. "Just... saying." Twilight, unable to watch her friend (or an evil witch that just happened to look like her friend) suffer so, trotted over and patted her on the back. "Listen... we'll help you find them." "Someone stole them!" the Witch screamed. "And whoever stole them will be punished and you will be able to do what you want to them and I'm wearing the friggin' shoes, aren't I?" Spike nodded. "Yeah, kinda just appeared on your hooves the moment you started talking." "Wonderful," Twilight said, lowering her head in despair. "MY SLIPPERS! GIVE THEM TO ME!" "Actually, I think they are shoes," Bellie Sweet said, only to shy away when the Witch glared at her. "Nevermind." Bloomin' Apple smirked. "At least I am smart enough not to annoy her." "Listen, stop panicking!" Twilight exclaimed, tugging on the shoes. "I will just take them off and-" Twilight let out several grunts as she pulled. "Ow! Ow! Stupid things won't come off!" The Witch let out a snort of rage. "You just aren't trying hard enough!" Her horn glowed and she grabbed a hedge trimmer. "Let me try!" "Begone!" Glinda said, waving her wand. "Your powers have to affect here! Leave them alone." "If you could block her like that, where were you when she burned down our library?" Spike asked. "Very well," the Witch proclaimed. "But do not think you have won! I will get my slippers-" "Shoes," Twilight reminded her. "-and I will get YOU, my pretty, and your little dog too!" "... are you coming onto me?" Twilight asked. "Huh?" the Witch said, the wind going out of her sails. "No." "Oh... I just thought, what with calling me pretty..." "Well, you are very nice to look at but-" "What do you like best about me?" Twilight asked happily. "Is it my flank? Because I do Pilates and- wait, what do you mean, 'no'? Am I not good enough for you?" "I don't-" Twilight huffed. "So it is ok for you to hit on my Number 1 Assistant but you can't spare a moment to glance at me?" Twilight huffed. The Witch frowned. "...and your little dog too!" She hopped onto her broom and took off, laughing all the way. "Not going to complain about her calling you a dog?" Twilight asked Spike. "She can call me whatever she wants," Spike said happily, hearts in his eyes. "WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME?!?" Mayor Peaches screamed.
Chapter 3"Alright Spike, let us check the check list." Twilight paused, giggling to herself. "Check the checklist... I am so funny!" "Completely," Spike said dryly from his perch on Twilight's back. "Alright, I'm ready." "Let’s start with the where." "Apparently some place called Oz. I am still of the opinion we are in hell..." "And that opinion was noted in the notes." Twilight paused, a smile forming on her lips. "Ha! Did you see what I did there?" "I did." "Noted... in the notes!" Spike shook his head. "Yes twilight, you are very witty." "Yes, please make sure it is noted in the notes that I am quite notably-" "Why couldn't the library have fallen on me?" Spike muttered. "Did you say something." "Nothing!" Twilight pursed her lips but continued. "So we're establishing the where..." "Right. We are in Oz on the yellow brick road." "Are you sure it isn't gold?" Spike asked. "Of course. Do you realize how horrible a gold road would be? Gold is a soft metal, Spike. The constant treading of hooves upon it would cause it to become filled with potholes and divots. Then there is the economic impact that would come about from using gold of a building material..." "Yellow... brick... road," Spike said, adding that to the checklist. "Got it." "Ok... so the who." "The time lord, or the band or the baseball player who tends to play first base?" "I mean who is on the yellow brick road and who is on the end of said road." "Right... well, we are on the yellow brick road and according to Not-Pinkie we are head to the Emerald City to meet some doctor guy that will help us get home." "Correct," Twilight said. "And why are we walking?" "I just covered that... to find a way home." "Yes, Spike, but for the sake of recordkeeping we must-" "Hey!" a voice called out. "Hey! Git on out a here, ya varmints!" "Should we investigate?" Spike asked. "The only other choice is to keep walking down this road," Twilight commented. "Hey, if there be any ponies on the road that can help me, I'd mighty appreciate it." "... so keep walking and pretend we didn't hear anything?" Spike asked, only to earn a cool stare from Twilight. "Fine," he grumped. Twilight and Spike hopped off the Yellow Brick Road and plunged into a cornfield. Following the cries for aid, the two of them soon found themselves staring at a rather unusual sight... "Applejack?" Twilight said in shock. The earth pony that Twilight had known since first arriving in Ponyville looked down at her without even a glimmer of recognition in her eye. "I ain't heard of this Applejack fella, but he sounds like a classy stallion." 'Applejack' was, strangely enough, standing on a pole with her arms spread wide. She was dressed in the same outfit (worn britches, a flannel shirt) she had worn for Nightmare Night, save for the fact that her mane and tail were made of actual golden straw. "...right, all of you are different," Twilight muttered in annoyance. She glanced up at her friend, fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "Ok... just who are you then?" 'Applejack' leapt down from her pole and shook Twilight's hoof, shaking it so hard Spike fell from Twilight’s back with an ‘oompf!’. "I'm the Scarejack! Nice ta meet ya!" Spike held out his fist. "I prefer a hoof-bump myself." "Scarejack, huh?" Twilight said. "Uh huh! I scare crows, grow corn, guard fields, and sell propane and propane accessories!" "Wouldn't selling propane when you are full of straw be rather dangerous?" Spike asked. "No different than employing a baby dragon to work in a library full of dried out old books," Twilight reminded him. "Ha! That doesn't matter because the witch burned it down... oh." Spike's head drooped. "We're homeless AND out of a job!" "Golly, sounds like ya'll have bigger problems than I do," the Scarejack said, scratching her noggin. "What's your problem?" Twilight asked. "We heard you screaming for help." "Them dang crows are tryin' ta get at all my corn! No good feathered fiends!" Twilight raised an eyebrow as two white crows landed on the Scarejack's abandoned pole. The feathers on the top of their heads where orange, though most of these were hidden by the little hats they had donned. "I say, brother, it looks like the Scarejack has friends." "Indeed, brother, indeed she does!" Twilight frowned. "You crows sound awfully familiar..." "I would hope we sounded familiar!" the first crow replied. "We are world renowned for our grace and ingenuity!" "That is correct, my dear brother." The second crow bowed. "For I am Edgar." "And I am Allan Poe." "And we are the Edgar Allen Poe brothers!" Twilight just stared at the crows in confusion. "Ok, that is nice, but we are just going to be heading out now..." "Wait!" the Scarejack cried out. "I need ya'll to help me out! These lousy crows are tryin' to trick me out of my corn and I know that they are up ta no good! Can't ya'll help a poor fella out." "You're a girl," Spike said. "I am?" the Scarejack said, pulling open her pants and taking a look. "Boy gum, you're right! That explains a lot, I tell ya!" Twilight resisted the urge to smack her head against a table (which, for those who were not in the know, was the perfect way to deal with insanity). "Ok, so what exactly are the crows trying to do." "They are tryin' to steal my corn!" "I assure ya, dear Scarejack, we are not trying to steal this yummy corn." "Nor are we trying to pilfer, purloin or pinch it." "Correct, wonderful brother of mine." Edgar flew down and landed on the Scarejack's head, his chest puffed out as he did his best impression of a big city lawyer. "The fact remains that legally this corn is ours and while we are thankful for the Scarejack and her efforts to protect our corn from true thieves, we, the real owners, would like it back now." "My brother speaks the truth!" Allan Poe declared. "To not give of the corn would cause trouble." "That rhymes with double." "Which starts with D, which is near c, and C stands for corn!" "To protect then world for devastation! To unite all peoples within... our..." Spike blinked when he saw no one was joining in with him. "Oh, were we not doing that?" "Why do you think that you have legal rights to Apple... I mean the Scarejack's corn?" Twilight leaned in close, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I've heard this song and dance before... literally... and I am not going to stand by if you try and trick my friend into betting her fields… also, I hate musical numbers." “Since when?” Spike asked, only to be ignored. The crows shifted uneasily, clearly not liking how the purple mare was staring them down. "I... assure you that everything is on the up and up, not the down and down." "Not east or west!" Allan Poe declared. "Nor inside or out!" Edgar happily proclaimed, before grabbing a cane and striking a pose. Edgar and Allan Poe Cuss... "No!" Twilight snapped. "No songs." "Not unless it is one that is ripping off a currently popular song!" Spike said, wagging his finger at the two. "Very well," Edgar said with a sigh, pushing away the fog machine he had rented and tossing his cane away. "If you must know, we went to court and got a judge to decree that this land is ours. Seems our grandpappy owned this land before he was driven away by the Scarejack's family. We are merely rectifying an injustice." "Oh... oh." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "Well... Scarejack, did you know this?" "Yeah, them crows done whinin' about their magic paper from that judgey guy, but I told'em that I knew that were fake! Judges don't have the power to do things like that." "Huh?" Spike said. Scarejack glared at the crows. "Every straw pony knows that judges only have ONE responsibility: Determining the winners of singin' contests." "Huh?" Spike repeated. "There is always the nice dippy one, the one that uses slang and tries to appear cool, and the mean jerk ya love to hate! They bicker with each other and shill for products." "Speaking of, would any of you like an Tydal Cola?" Edgar pulled out a can of soda that had a picture of a grinning capricorn winking and popped it open. "It is so tasty and its low in calories! Kids, tell your parents-" "We get the idea," Twilight groused, before turning to Scarejack. "Listen, I am seeing why you hate these crows, but they do have a point. Judges ARE allowed to rule on land disputes and if the judge they contacted says this land belongs to them... well, short of filing an appeal there is little you can do." Scarejack stuck out her tongue. "No thanks... I don't need to flies bein' pealed." "No, I mean-" "YOu heard her!" Allan Poe declared, waved the judge's decree at them. "This land and all the yummy, yummy corn is ours!" "That is right, brother! For you see-" Before the brothers could try and sing another song, Scarejack held out her hoof. "Listen, I done sorry about all the fuss. I didn't realize this was your land... I'll leave, don't ya worry." "Uh, Twilight?" Spike said. "You two might want to hold off packing." "Why's that?" Spike snatched the decree from Allan Poe and passed it to his friend. "Maybe you should read this over." Twilight's magic snatched the decree and she began to browse over it. "... this just says, 'Corn belong to crows' and there is a picture of you two mooning Scarejack." "Dang, them judges don't mess around with the flowery language, do they? Right to the point... I can respect that!" "They are trying to trick you," Spike said calmly. "... ya sure?" "Positive." "But ya'll said-" "Ignore what we said." "Wait, if you were wrong... that means you ain't right... so that means..." "That's right," Twilight said with a smile. "You were left!" "...what?" "If ya ain't right ya left!" Spike shrugged. "Sure, why not." Edgar and Allan Poe looked at each other before slowly backing away. "Well, brother, it seems we are plucked." "We are each a sitting duck." "Because our plan is truly f-" FOOMSH! "Spike!" Twilight shouted, glaring at Spike, smoke still billowing form his mouth, before gesturing wildly at the charred remains that had once been Edgar and Allan Poe. "They were gearing up for a song!" the baby dragon complained. "I thought you'd be happy I stopped them." "It doesn't matter what they were doing, you just killed them!" "Look who is the pot calling the kettle black." The baby dragon crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. "When I kill two crows you get all grumpy. But when you kill a witch-" "Wait," Scarejack said, stepping between the two feuding friends, "you two killed the Wicked Witch." "Well... yes, but we didn't mean too!" Twilight exclaimed. Spike nodded. "But I did mean to kill those crows." "Wow, ya'll are somethin', ain't ya?" "Indeed," Spike said, admiring his talons while wearing a cocky smirk. "Now we travel from place to place, setting right that which has gone wrong... and hoping that the next leap will be the leap home." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Listen, this has been horrifying but we really need to be going. There is this Doctor we have to see-" "Wait!" Scarejack called out, grabbing onto the two and holding them still. "Maybe I should come with ya'll and help ya out." "Oh, do you like killing too?" Spike asked, only to get a knee in the gut from Twilight. Scarejack shrugged. "Can't rightly say, but I know I do want ta meet that there Doctor fella. I want ta see if he can give me a brain." "A brain?" Twilight said, confused. Scarejack blushed. "Well, it should be pretty obvious that I ain't all that good with the book learnin' and stuff. While I might have managed to get rid of those crows-" "Actually I got rid of them," Spike reminded her. "-there are goin' to be other varmints that are gonna try and get at my corn. Need to protect it and all that." "And to protect it... you are going to abandoned your field and duty," Twilight said slowly. "Boy hoodey, you are quick on the uptake!" Twilight and Spike shared a look of annoyance. "Wouldn't it be smarter to, I don't know... stay here and guard your field while taking online college classes?" "Probably," Scarejack said. "But like I told ya, I ain't smart so I can't do somethin' that is 'smarter'. I gots to do what I do!" "She does make a good point," Spike pointed out. Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine... you can abandon your duty to protect this corn so you can get a brain from a magical Doctor, thus allowing you to return and do your duty." "Yeeehaw!" Scarejack exclaimed. "Let's git a move on! Bye corn, ya'll gonna behave for me while I be gone, right?" "EEEEEYUP!" all the ears of corn drawled out. "...I am beginning to subscribe to your 'we're in hell' theory," Twilight muttered. “It’s a good theory,” Spike stated.
Chapter 4"So wait, ya'll are sure that babies don't come from a stork?" Spike nodded, walking along the Yellow Brick Road with Scarejack and Twilight on either side of him. "Yeah, I think they are just a bit too heavy for them." "Then how do they come about then?" Twilight frowned in disgust. "Do we really need to have this conversation?" "I wants ta know," Scarejack stated. Spike tapped his chin, trying to think of how to best describe the miracle of procreation. "Let's pretend this stick is me," Spike said, snatched a fallen twig from the ground and twirling it between his fingers. "Only much smaller and thinner than I-" "Spike..." Twilight warned. "And this leaf is Rar... I mean a dragoness that I want to get with who is totally NOT Rarity." "Real subtle there, Spike," Twilight muttered, looking around for a table to bash her head against. "Now, I stick this stick into the leave and BOOM, you get a baby." Scarejack cringed at the sight of the ripped and torn up leave. "That sounds mighty disgustin'. Couldn't the leaf just rub against another leaf?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Huh, and I thought Rainbow Dash was the one who'd-" "Awesome sauce..." a weak voice called out to their right.”Awesome sauce..." "I'd like to again vote on us ignoring the call for help and getting a move on," Spike said. He grinned, holding out his hands. “Now, before you decide, let me lay out some of the benefits that would come from not getting involved: we would live, we could leave here sooner, no singing crows-“ Twilight shook her head, letting out a weary sigh. "No Spike." Taking a left off the yellow brick road (Exit 307 to the Dirt Packed Road, which led into the forest and also had a McDonalds to the right), the group pushed through some thick undergrowth (apparently whoever was in charge of Oz's lawn care services was slacking), heading towards the call. Finally making it through the tangled mess of long grass and bushes (without once having a wild encounter with any Pokémon, digimon or metabots) the threesome entered a clearing and discovered the source of the cries. "Rainbow Dash?" Twilight said in shock. As soon as she spoke the words, however, Twilight realized that this strange pony only had a passing resemblance to her friend. Last time Twilight had seen Rainbow, she hadn't been made of metal... and certainly didn't have any rivets or bolts holding her together. Another tale-tell sign that this wasn't Rainbow Dash was the fact that the mare hadn't moved an inch since the group had entered the clearing. Spike frowned, staring at 'Rainbow Dash' and her metal wings. "If she begins doing monologues about abstracts, I'm out of here." When Scarejack looked at him, Spike shrugged. “Seriously, who would even want to spend any time or… let’s just say 60+ chapters… listening to that.” “Better than listenin’ to some bloodthirsty capricorn,” Scarejack reasoned. "Awesome sauce," 'Rainbow' grunted out through clenched teeth, reminding them of the plot. "Lordy, that lawn ornament can talk!" Scarejack exclaimed. "What'll they think of next?" Twilight scanned the clearly, finally spotting a small oil can sitting on a stump. "Is this what you want?" 'Rainbow' began to strain and snort, trying to nod her frozen head. "She looks upset," Scarejack commented. "Maybe you should put that down." "NOOO! NOOO!" 'Rainbow' wailed. "See, she agrees with me.” Scarejack pulled out a shotgun. “Now, don’t move… I ain’t the best shot with this so it might take a few hits ta kill ya-“ Spike's brow furrowed. "She said no." "Right, and a double negatron makes it so she means the opposite." "I think you mean 'negative' and she didn't use one. She was just repeating 'nooo!' twice," Twilight stated, using her magic to lift the can up and take it over to the frozen mare. 'Rainbow' shut her eyes as the honey-colored Awesome Sauce coated her form. "You know, I once had a dream that began like this." "How did it end?" Scarejack asked. "Rainbow Dash turned into my 10th grade teacher Mr. Feeney and I realized we were in the middle of downtown Manehattan during a capricorn attack." "YES!" 'Rainbow' cried out, flexing her now freed wings. "I have been stuck there for 5 minutes and I was about ready to blow my brains out!" "Hey! No need to go wastin'em! Some of us would be likin' those brains!" Scarejack complained. “At least when I was gonna shoot ya I was aimin’ for the chest!” 'Rainbow' shrugged. "Meh, not my problem." She took to the air, happily flying in circles over their heads. "I'm just glad you nerds came by when you did!" "Nerds?" Twilight said in annoyance. "I'll have you know I am a scholar and a librarian." "A hot librarian who likes to let her hair down and party?" 'Rainbow' asked, waggling her eyebrows. "No... the kind that does her job and occasionally saves Equestria from threats because our military sucks and the captain of the guard is too busy shagging my old foalsitter." "... like I said, a nerd." "I'm not a nerd!" Spike complained. "Ask anyone in my D&D club! My Level 37 Paladin with the Staff of Eternal Frost and a Level 19 Cloak of Despair proves I am no nerd!" "I can't be a nerd," Scarejack pointed out. "Nerds are smart." 'Rainbow' flew over to Scarejack, inspecting her closely. "Huh... I need you to prove you aren't a nerd... what is 2 x 2?" Scarejack frowned. "I ain't to good at spelling thinks. Does it start with a T?" 'Rainbow' smirked. "Ok, not a nerd, just a moron!" "That's what I was tellin' ya! Thank ya!" Scarejack exclaimed. "Wait, she just-" Twilgiht began, only for Rainbow to hold her hoof up. "Give her a second." … … … … … … "...hey!" 'Rainbow' began to float on her back, giggling up a storm. "Wow, you ponies are just too easy!" Twilight glared at the metal version of her friend. "Why are you being so mean? If it weren't for us you'd be stuck here, more useless than the entire Canterlot Army!" "Well, she is all gray…oh no! She was Discorded!" Spike said, pulling out some Holy Water. "The Power of Picard compels you! The Power of Picard compels you!" "Hey, stop that!" Rainbow cried as she began to rust up. "No, stop it! No... arrrgggggggg!" Rainbow crashed to the ground, her entire right side having frozen up. "Aw man!" Twilight glared at the metal pony. "Start acting like a sane, rational mare or I am going to spray this liquid on you till you freeze up and die!" "Wow, this got grimdark in a hurry," Spike said. “Or sexy… I’m not quite sure.” "Grimdark? I ain't seein' no Dinobots." Scarejack looked around in confusion. Rainbow strained, trying to reach the awesome sauce can that Twilight was keeping juuuuuuuuust out of reach. "Ok, ok, I'll talk, I'll talk!" There metal panels that made up her form clanged as she lowered her head is sadness. "I am the Tin Dash and my story is a rather sad, moving tale that would totally win several Oscars and maybe even a Tony award." Tin Dash sighed as she began her tale. "I was born on an assembly line in Dragico City, Dragico. I was created to be the ultimate-" "Stunt pony?" Spike asked. "-killing machine. My programmer, Sky Netter, wanted me to kill all ponies because he'd once gotten a bad egg salad sandwich at a mall that is now closed." "Wow, that is the second biggest over-reaction I've ever heard of," Twilight said in shock. "What was the first?" Scarejack asked. "Well..." ~Many Years Ago~ Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun and the ruler who the most time on her hooves (seriously, she has time to check in on six mares… doesn’t she have a country to run or something?), walked through a little known part of her castle known as the ‘living room’. She looked about, her brow furrowed in annoyance. "Discord, have you seen my copy of Ponies Today?" The spirit of chaos, who was in an easy chair sipping some ice tea and reading the web comic Hearts of Plastic on TFW2005.com (coughshamelessplugcough), glanced over at the Celestia and frowned. "I think I put it in the magazine rack." "THAT ISN'T A MAGAZINE, IT IS A WEEKLY NEWS JOURNAL! STONE VISION!" "Noooooo!" Discord cried out in agony as he was turned to stone. ~Meanwhile, back at the plot...~ "Ha!" Tin Dash laughed. "That Discord guy sure got screwed over like a little punk!" "You really are heartless, aren't you?" Spike said. Tin Dash frowned at this. "And I wouldn't I be? I am a super awesome flyer that rusts as soon as she gets a drop of water on her." Tin Dash lifted her rusty wing as proof. "To make matters worse, my creator ended up being contacted by the makers of the sandwich and they apologized and gave him a gift card to Quills of Sofas! Now he doesn't want to kill all ponies so I am jobless." Tin Dash kicked at a dirt clod. "Then there was a fire at my apartment so now I have to live in this crappy forest." "I don't think it’s that bad," Spike said. "Maybe a bit dark but you put up some curtains, maybe dust a bit-" "No, that is its name: This Crappy Forest." Tin Dash gestured towards a Historical Site Sign that was slightly hidden behind an oak tree. "It was first settled by Baron Von This Crappy and his wife, the Baroness That Crappy. That Crappy Forest is just a few miles away." "Huh," Twilight stared at this info. "I should complain about the nonsensicalness of all that, but then I realize that I live in Ponyville, the most unoriginally named town ever." Rainbow nodded sadly. "Plus my creator forgot to install my heart." She opened her chest to reveal the cavity to be empty. "It’s kinda like what happened to Dumby McGee over here." "Where's Dummy?" Scarejack exclaimed, rushing over to a rose bush and sticking her head in. "hello, Miss McGee? Where ya at? Please come out, this bush if giving me cut-kisses!” "She was talking about you," Spike said. Scarejack yanked her head out of the rose bush. "... my last name is McGee?" "Sure, why not." Twilight sighed, rubbing her temples. "Listen, the little fillies in the village a few miles from here said that in the Emerald City there is a Doctor who can get me home. I am sure he can get you a heart too." "Why would you think that?" Dash asked, finally managing to snag the awesome sauce and pour it all over her metallic body (it wasn’t as sexy as it sounds). "Seems like you are taking a pretty big logical leap." "He's a doctor... it makes more sense for him to give out hearts and brains then tickets home." "Plus," Spike added, "we already killed a witch and two crows, so having a robotic monster would be nice." "You are going to kill things?" Tin Dash said excitedly. "Count me in!" "We are not going to kill things!" Twilight exclaimed in frustration, punching a tree with her hoof. "I swear, not a single thing will die by my hoof while I am here!" "Then... why did you kill me?" the tree Twilight had struck whined before falling over, dead. "... starting now!" Twilight declared.
Chapter 5"So what, ya mean ta tell me that Superstallion let all them ponies die?" Spike shook his head, trying to convey exactly what he was trying to...er...convey. "Well... yeah, but you have to remember that he was fighting General Trot! It wasn't like he could just scowl at him and make him stop. The battle was realistic and there was going to be collateral damage no matter what. Yes, some ponies might have died but if he hadn't focused on winning the fight millions more would have perished." "well, he still shouldn't have done all that!" Scarejack complained, shaking her head sadly. "Superstallion use to stand for somethin'. Use to be a defender of Truth, Justice, and the Ozian-" "Equestrian," Spike stated. "Whatever. The point is that he is suppose to be the noble superhero... not the one that goes around breakin' anything he sees! Just a plum shame, it is." "I think it is cool that Superstallion actually took off the colt hooves and threw down with a baddie for one!" Tin Dash declared, pumping her hoof. "Just like Batstallion. Now THERE is a superhero!" "Ugh, I hate Batstallion!" Scarejack complained. "He's so grim and brooding!" "And he kicks flank!" Tin Dash declared. "I am vengeance... I am the night... I am Batstallion!" Scarjack scoffed. "I am a crybaby, I can't stop whining, I am Bruce Mane, King of Daddy Issues." "You shut your straw spouting mouth!" Tin Dash shouted. "No one insults Batstallion!" "Make me, ya overgrown waterin' can!" Scarejack snarled, butting her head against the metal pony's. Spike glanced over at Twilight, all to use to Rainbow and Applejack fighting (even if these were alternate versions of them). "Who do you prefer, Twilight?" Twilight, who had been trying her hardest to drown out the bickering trio as they made their way down the Yellow Brick Road, let out a sigh. "I don't read comic strips." "Comic... strips?" Tin Dash screeched, pulling away from Scarejack to stare at Twilight. "Strips?!?" "Twilight..." Spike moaned, slapping his hand against his forehead. The lavender mare looked at them, confused. "What? I just don't find them that funny. Now Maraduke? That's funny!" Twilight trotted ahead, laughing her herself, not seeing the looks of horror on the others' faces. "That big dog gets in all the strangest places!" "That mare ain't right," the walking scarecrow told the metal pony as they walked down a gold road to meet a magical Doctor. Tin Dash looked at Twilight, her shoulders slumped and brow furrowed. "You are the worse kind of pony." "Because I don't read comic strips?" "Books! Comic books!" the three of them shouted. Twilight's brow screwed up. "Isn't it kinda pathetic to be reading books about grown stallions running around in spandex fighting bad guys while big BAMF! and WHAM! shapes appear?" Tin Dash smirked. "Hey, its better than being a grown stallion who reads stories about cartoon characters that were originally marketed to little girls." The foursome slowly turned and looked at one particular spot (which, if this were a sitcom, would have been where the camera was). "Seriously, Twi," Scarejack said once they were done staring, "how can ya not like them comic books! They are exciting and full of danger and passion-" "And suddenly it makes sense why she hates them," Spike muttered under his breath. "Um... nothing to see here... please keep going," a voice whispered. The foursome all stopped, blinking in confusion. "Did... did anypony also hear that?" Twilight asked. Spike nodded. "Yeah... it was like a faint whispering." "It was a voice on the breeze," Tin Dash stated. "It was like a million voices crying out in horror, only to be silenced," Scarejack commented. The others looked at her and she shook her head. "Wait... no... no. Sorry, I was hearin' somethin' else. Nevermind." "Just... just go. Nothing to see here." "Ok, if it asks us to build a baseball field in the middle of some corn, its just them dang crows tryin' to trick us," Scarejack stated. "Where is it coming from?" Spike asked, getting seriously creeped out by the voice. The others began to look around, trying to find the source of the mysterious whisper (and unlike LOST, there was a good chance they would actually get some answers). "Definitely not from the tree to your right," the voice whispered frantically. "Nope... not the tree at all. You should... uh... maybe ignore it, if you could? Please?" "Ok, with it established that the whispers ain't comin' from the tree to the right, I think we should focus on our left," Scaejack stated happily, knocking over some rocks and looking under them for the voice. "Nothin' under here!" "Geez..." Tin Dash whined, darting over to the tree on the right. "Get over here and help me shake this tree!" "But the voice said-" "It... lied," Tin Dash stated slowly. "...oooohhh!" Scarejack exclaimed. "So it did what my Uncle Bubbles did when he was asked if he had violated his court order!" "Not lying," the voice whimpered. "Just... just go away... please..." "What if we don't?" Twilight asked, wanting to get to the bottom of all of this. "I'll... I'll use my tree magic on you." A branch slowly descended, half-heartedly trying to bop Tin Dash on the head. "So...so just go now... ok? Thanks." "...that's it?" Spike asked. "Yes," the 'tree' said. "I hope I didn't hit you too hard." "Devil tree!" Scarejack proclaimed, rushing the tree and giving it a hard buck. They heard a cry of alarm as the tree trembled and the source of the whispers fell to the ground in a heap. She was yellow lion with a pink fluffy mane (and yes, everyone knows that only male lions have manes... but lets face it, in a land of flying ponies and unicorns, a maned female lion isn't that strange) and big, bright eyes. Realizing she was spotted, the lioness grabbed her branch and tried to hide behind it. "...let me guess," Twilight said dryly, "you're Flutterlion, aren't you?" "Nope, I'm just a tree." "No you aren't," Twilight snapped. "Um... yes... yes I am." "Then perform photosynthesis." Flutterlion screwed up her face and strained. "I really hope it’s only acorns that come out," Tin Dash commented in disgust. "Flutterlion, just stop." Twilight shook her head in annoyance. Flutterlion opened one eye, meekly watching Twilight's every move. "You aren't a tree, so stop pretending, alright?" "But.. but I want to be a tree." "Why?" Spike asked. "Being a tree is boring." "Is...that...so?" Treebeard the Ent asked, strolling past them. Spike grimaced and hid behind Scarejack. "Sorry!" "Way to be racist," Tin Dash commented. Twilight waited for Treebeard to pass (which took about 30 minutes... Ents hate to be hasty) before turning her attention back to Flutterlion. "Listen... you might not believe me now but I am your friend and I want to help you. Its clear to all of us that you are scared and-" "The Doctor can help ya out!" Scarejack proclaimed. "Wait, no, that’s not what I was going to say," Twilight stammered, wanting to stop this line of thought before it lead to misery and insanity; sadly, a snowball with a tiny hat on it would have a better chance surviving in Hell than sanity and reason winning out for Twilight. Tin Dash didn't hear a word Twilight said (or she did and just chose to ignore her... like most ponies). "Yeah, the Doctor is going to totally get me a heart and Dumb-Dumb here a brain!" Scarejack happily nodded her head in agreement. "I bet you he could cram some courage into you and make you as awesome as I am!" Spike rubbed his chin. "Having a vicious lion on the team would make murdering ponies easier." "No!" Twilight screamed, stopping her hoof. "No!" She whipped around, her horn glowing as she laid into her traveling companions. "I don't care if this Doctor was a great and powerful wizard-" "Yeah, because then he'd be Trixie!" Spike proclaimed. "I have no idea who that is," Twilight stated before returning to the really matter at hand...er... hoof. "It doesn't matter what the Doctor is, he would not be able to get you what you want! Scarejack, you think a new brain will help but brains don't work that way! You can't just jam another one in and make yourself a genius!" Scarejack scratched her chin. "What if he gently slid it in instead of crammin' it-" "NO!" Twilight roared, her bellow so loud that Flutterlion made a mental note to ask the unicorn how she managed to roar that loudly. "And Tin Dash, you don't need a heart... you already have a heart that pumps blood through your body... or a mechanical pump that drives oil through your tubes..." Twilight's anger faded for a moment as she considered Tin Dash's biology. "Come to think of it, how are either of you alive? You are clearly a robot but I've seen not gears or electronics and Scarejack is literally made of straw. I mean, I know straw was once alive but last I checked it didn't walk around chatting about the latest dance crazes." "I just can't ever get jiggy with it," Scarejack said sadly. "Maybe they were enchanted," Spike offered. "Maybe there really is magic here in this land and it animated the both of them, giving them life." Twilight sadly shook her head. "Spike, Spike, Spike... everypony knows that magic doesn't do that. All magic can do is send you back in time, teleport you to different places, move celestial bodies, and help you weild mystical items that send rainbow blasts of friendship at your enemies. Oh, and sometimes it creates mustaches." Twilight laughed. "Animating robots and scarecrows... Spike, you are so silly." "Yeah, I guess that was pretty dumb," Spike muttered, kicking at a yellow stone. "Made sense to me!" Scarejack happily proclaimed. "And that just sealed the deal," Tin Dash stated. Twilight reached over and pulled Flutterlion, who was attempting to skitter away while the others were occupied, back over to the ground. "Listen, the point I am trying to make is that all of our problems can't be fixed quickly and simply. If Scarejack wants to be more intelligent she needs to take some night classes at the local Community Center or take mail-away college courses. Only through hard work and dedication can she gain knowledge." "Lordy, that done sound hard... maybe I should just stick to bein' dumb!" Twilight shook her head. "But being smart is great! Just look at me... I am a genius and I have a steady job and a baby dragon as my assistant-" "And you have no social life and never even kissed a boy..." Spike commented. "I have too kissed a boy!" Twilight complained, glaring at the purple dragon. "Really?" Scarejack asked, her interest piqued. "Dish, dish!" "Yeah, tell us about him!" Tin Dash proclaimed. Twilight grimaced slightly. "Uh... well... his name is George... Glass. George Glass. And I totally kissed him and it was hot." "You kissed a boy?" Flutterlion said, her face screwed up in disgust. "Yes, yes I did!" Twilight proclaimed, sweating bullets. "But enough about my love life; we are here to talk about you three and your psychological deficiencies." Twilight pointed her hoof at Tin Dash, glad to be focusing on someone else's lousy life. "Now, as for you... no heart or pump or anything like that is going to help you. Your problem is that you are anti-social and mean-spirited. Normally I would recommend a good blast from the Elements of Harmony, but since I don't have them on me I'm going to suggest medication." Tin Dash scoffed. "Sorry, but there is no meds that could handle my awesomeness." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you definitely need some pills." She turned to Fluttelion, her horn flaring as she summoned Rarity's fainting couch, which Flutterlion was promptly placed upon, and a pair of glasses, which she donned before patting the lioness on the head. "Now then, if you want courage you will need to work through your issues. Lets start with what you think the Doctor could provide you with." "A kidney." Twilight blinked in confusion. "A...kidney?" "Oh yes," Flutterlion said, nodding happily. "You said he was a Doctor, right? Well, I need a kidney." "To... make you brave?" "Yes." "...no, Flutterlion." "No?" The lioness' head drooped. Twilight nodded, hating to upset her friend but needing to set her straight. "No. Courage doesn't come from your kidneys, it comes from your spirit and your will. If you want to be brave you have to work to conquer your fears and not allow them to dominate your life. Now then... what is your biggest fear?' Flutterlion considered this. "Well... I guess my biggest fear would be that I'll be dragged away from my dialysis machine and my kidneys will begin to fail." "...what?" The yellow lioness blushed. "Didn't... didn't I tell you that I was in need of a kidney transplant?" Twilight shut her eyes. "You know what, let’s go to the friggin' Doctor and see if he can get you some kidneys." "Oh... ok." "Think he can get me a brain too?" Scarejack asked. "Yeah, whatever," Twilight grumbled, giving up. "And maybe he can give me a new brain too." Spike sighed as they began walking down the Yellow Brick Road once more. "If only we'd known about this beforehand we could have harvested that witch's organs!" "Uh huh," Twilight said dully, her braining having checked out due to the utter stupidity around her.
