How-To Guides For Equestria

by MarcusFirehaven

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Random
Length: 1550

How-To Guides for people and ponied in Equestria!

How-To Guides are a revolutionary way to figure out how to survive in Equestria, whether you are in a fic or not!

Watch as ponies lives become better and stuff with our (mine and mine alone) guides!

Published 2013-05-22 13:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-22 13:10:02 UTC

How-To Buck an Apple Tree

Welcome to How-To: Buck an Apple Tree! For our first book, we are going to require a few things before we start:

A pony who can buck: Presumably, this is you.

Legs: you need a minimum of four, any more and you should see a doctor.

An apple tree: This book ain't on cherry trees!

Now, if you fall under these requirements, you are good to go!

First, we need a volunteer to dsmonstrate! We hapen to know a pony who is of those requirements!

An orange earth pony with blonde mane, green eyes, and apples cutie mark is seen in her natural environment: the apple orchard known as Sweet Apple Acres.

"Who said that?" Applejack asked aloud to nobody in particular as she began looking around. "Why're y'all describin' what Ah'm doin'?"

Applejack, I am the narrator, we already did this in "How-To: Understand the Fourth Wall", remember?

"No. Ah think y'all have this not in chronolocal order," Applejack said, "And could you stop tiltin' things?"

But how is the audiencw to tell what is me talking and what is being described?

"Let them figure it out! Ah don't want half of everythin' tilted!" Appkejack said, "Better."

Fine, fine, can we get back on topic?

"Sure."

Now, you are already a professional at bucking trees, correct?

"Sure am!" Applejack stated with pride.

Well, would you mind giving us all a wuick demonstration?

"Alright."

Applejack turned away from the nearest tree, then bucked it as she normslly does.

"How was that?"

Perfect! Excellent form! Front hooves firmly planted like the tree you are bucking, full force given in that one kick but not so much as to damage the tree, and barely a flaw in the kicking itself!

"Flaw? Y'all said Ah did perfect! What did Ah do wrong?" Applejack asked.

The buckets for the apples to fall in.

The apples came down from the trees on to the ground, and one on the farm pony's head.

"Ow!"

That wouldn't have happened if you put the buckets down, this is called the "Rule of Funny".

"Ah didn' find it funny!"

But the readers did! Anyways, for our next part, what to do if you lack the hoof strength to be Applejack.

"Hi Applejack!" Pinkie said as she hopped in front of Applejack.

"Hi Pinkie," Applejack said, "Ah'm doin' a How-To Guide or somethin', and apparently my part is over."

"Oh! This is my part! I was just hearing this guy and you talking and I wanted to know what was up, so I-"

"Why did you come over in the first place?"

"I don't know!"

I brought you here for the example, now-

"I don't want to kick a tree."

What? I'm the narrator! You have to!

"No I don't."

Yes you do.

Or do I?

Pinkie? Get out of here!

"Pinkie? Where'd ya go?" Applejack asked.

I'm with the narrator?

"Get back here! I wanna get this done with!"

Your part is over, we already pointed that out.

Yeah!

Pinkie, please get back into the normal plane of being so I can-

No way! This is fun!

You know what? You wanna do this?

Yeah!

Sweet! Haven't had a break in three weeks! Firehaven out!

Wait, you're the author? You can't just leave!

I am and I can! I'm going to make a chocolate rain cloud pillow and take a nap, you do this!

I don't wanna do appke bucking!

Next one is How-To: Survive a Gore Fic.

Can I at least have a way of differentiating my letters to tell us apart?

...Fine.

Thanks!

"Ah hought we got rid of the tilted words!"

Sorry AJ, we have to cut this, just end it here, Pinkie.

Okay!

"Wait a minute, Ah'm not done wit-"

How-To Survive a Gore Fic

Hello and welcome to How-To: Survive a Gore Fic! I'm Pinkie and the author is watching me do this so I don't do to horribly!

A pony woke up in a dark room. "Where am I?" the female pony aaked aloud.

It's dark, I should fix that!

The lights flashed on, momentarily blinding the pony who was in the formerly darkened room, revealing a familiar rainbow-maned pegasus.

Hi Dashie! Hold on... Ha! My notes saif that most gore fics have you as the hapless victim!

"Pinkie?" Dashie asked as she looked around the room for the party pony in question, "Where are you?"

Half a plane of existsnce higher than you, I'm doing a How-To Guide on how to survive a gore fic! Quick question, what is the situation like?

"I'm in an empty everywhere. Everything is white! I think the lights are too high!"

Think of a situation, don't ask the person where they are! We are giving them info, not the other way around!

"Pinkie, who was that?"

Sorry, anachronological things, I am the author of this Guide, but you can just call me Firehaven.

"Okay... Pinkie, describe my situation, I can walk around but-"

Excellent! But what? Your wings hurt? you lost? tied up?

"Yeah! Wings hurt! I- OW THE PAIN! And I am lost."

Excellent! Then we can say Rainbow Dash was exhibiting her stunts to an audience in her imagination, when suddenly, she clips hrr wing on a tree and spirals out of control into the Everfree forest.

"OW! Now I have twigs all over me and various scratches! Thought you were helping me!"

I am! I am helping you by getting you in a situation you need help in! Now be quieter! We don't want to attract anything big or angry!

"What could come after me? The ursas are asleep in caves."

Dashie has a point, what all is in the forest?

Amateurs and ignorance... *sigh* The Everfree Forest is practical the fandom's storage place for nightmares, canon or not. In canon there is Cockatrices that turn you to stone, timberwolves that just want to maim you and fix themselves up and even combine into a huge timberwolf when destroyed, parasprites that have been magically modified to eat things other than food, though those may be dead after getting their populTions trimmed down ss sudpected as to why only one parssprite was initially found by Fluttershy, and the freaking poison joke. Out of canon and into the fanon we hsve lus minors snd majors, which are wolves made of stars that follow the same pattern of the ursas in "Minor is big, Major is bigger", Scorpio minors and majors, some plant that makes you murderously insane and the only cure is death (but that fic was bad so no that, but it is an example), Sunny Town from Story of the Blanks-

"I heard of Sunny Town! I hearf that if you grow up without finding your special talent, you grt drawn to this secret town in the woods where nopony has their cutie marks! How is that scary?" Rainbow Dash asked.

...I'll let you keep your innocence for now... if you see a bright light that leads to a town throwing a festival, cover your cutie marks.

"They are alreeady covered in bandages."

What?

"I had my saddlebags on because I was returning my latest Daring Do book to Twilights snd got distracted, and crash often enough to warrant keeping a first aid kit on me." Rainbow Dash admitted. "I got a bit scrstched up in the fall as well..."

Okay, back to you, Pinkie.

Right! Okay Dashie, first thing to do is think smsrtly! Do not panic until you are needing to panic! And always pay attention!

"Okay, I think I hear something buzzing..." A parasprite appears. "Aw... I would totally kill you if it wrren't the fact I have better things to worry about."

Focus!

"Okay, oka-" CHOMP! "HE ATE PART OF MY BAG AND STOLE MY BOOK!"

Forget the book! You are deep in the Everfree and nobody knows! Just give Twilight the ten bits the book costs!

"Fine... should I climb a tree or something to see a way home or something?"

Yeah! Do that! Thinking smart! Stupidity is th fastest way to get killed and killed messily!

"Ew."

Dashie climbs the tree and notices a familiar hut a short walk from hrre, her original plans almost sent her the wrong direction.

"I know this, you don't have to describe my every move."

I have auto-narrator on, that wasn't me.

"Fine, so just head to Zecora's and I'm good?"

Well you have to get there in one piece, but yeah.

"What do you mean 'in one piece'? I can just walk there!"

Everfree. Forest.

"Right. So just listen for danger, react quickly, and discern if it is friendly before attacking it in pre-emptive self-defense?"

Let me check my notes... yep! Covers everything for your situation! Also, the smell of blood attracts wolves, so... good luck!

"What? You aren"t going to get me out of here? What the hay!"

Sorry Dashie, but we aren't spending time helping you, but don't worry about dying, it's a fic, you will be up again in no time slash our next book, How-To: Troll Fics and ignoring the crazy!

See ya Dashie!

Note: Our guide does not cover torture fics with the letter C in them such as Cupcakes, or fics like Rainbow Factory.

"What the bu-"