Chapters The Fourth Wall Restaurant
Pinkie floated across the Multiverse, looking over every possibility of her life. She also saw the strange world that the humans lived in, and strangely, she didn't care that she was just some character on some computer or some type of drawing or some words on a screen or paper.
She looked all around, seeing the strangeness of everything. She thought she had seen it all, just as she was looking around, she then noticed something strange that she had never seen before. A restaurant floating on some type of remains with a parking lot and a retro look to it. Like a 50's diner in a Moderen day city, or like this restaurant being in Ponyville.
She then floated over to the restaurant and landed at the front door. She then entered, noticing the boy cleaning a spot on the counter top. He then stopped, then said, "Welcome to the Fourth Wall Restaurant, where...," he stopped in mid-sentence, noticing who it was, "Ah, I was wondering when you show up. What can I do for you?" The stranger said. Pinkie waved a hoof, emphizising the place she was in. "What is this place? I've never seen it in here til' now." She said. The stranger nodded, wiped off the counter a little more, then placed the towel in his apron. "Well, it's been around. Why it didn't reveal itself to you sooner is beyond me." He then noticed the look on her face, like he was lying.
"Ok, so I just wanted to pace myself. I didn't want to work on my stuff, until my writings came to a sudden stop. I mean first I have my "13th Floor", I'm working on trying to show the sequel to "Whip and Wing", but my main focus is on "A Scientist of the Bermuda Triangle in Equestria" and right now James is with the Tenth and Fifth Doctors in their "Doctor Whooves" form." He said, taking a deep breath. "Uh, I'll have a VeggieBurger with a Coke." She said, trying to move on the subject. "Fries?" He asked, holding a pad and pen in his hands.
'Woah! He's fast, almost as fast as me.' "Why thank you Pinkie. Now, fries?" He said. Pinkie somehow shocked, looked at him, as if he grew two heads, three arms, and called himself Zapod. "Hah! I remember that hoopy frood, didn't pay for his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster... Then again, he was unconscious and the local "Winds of Change", probably took him to someplace different." He then started to think deep on his old drinking buddy.
"Anyways, I'm The Character, and I go by many names in the Multiverse. Also, I forgot to tell you that I can break the Fourth Wall in normal dimensions. However, we aren't in normal dimensions." He said, ripping off Pinkie's order. He then hooked it up for the cook to see. "HEY CHUCK, WE'VE GOT AN ORDER!" He said to the cook, "ALRIGHT, I'M COMING!" He said.
The cook soon took the order, while The Character went back to talking to Pinkie on the events that were coming. "Alright Author, cut to the chase." The Character said.
I'm sorry, but who's writing this story?
"Me, remember?" Right, you... but then how *Poof!*
The Character shook his head, then said, "Well, that fixes that physics impossible anomaly. Anyways, I wanted to write stories, and I heard there were plenty of places that would take a Inter-Dimensional Writer like myself. Now you probably have questions." 'Almost everyone does.' he thought. Strangely though was that she heard him.
She nodded, sitting down on the stool. 'Alright, ask away pink one.' he thought, telepathically with a smirk. "How are you doing all those things, I thought I could only do those things?" she said. The Character chuckled a little, then said, "Heh, you're cute. Anyways, here the physics are weak enough that they can't have a horrible effect on reality or on the fictional reality. Although, sometimes I have to ask 'What is real, and what is fiction?'" The Character said.
Soon, there was a *Ding!* as a plate was placed on the counter of the window. The Character grabbed the plate, then placed it down on the counter in front of Pinkie. "As for you Pinkie, you think you're the only one that can see our reality?" Pinkie nodded, confused. "Well, you're the only one in Equestria to defy the normal laws of reality," The Character thought for a moment, before adding, "Well, I forgot about Celestia... and Luna." "Yeah, but they're gods, that would make sense."
Suddenly, there was a ringing that came from the door. Standing there was a boy in a green jacket, and had a unusual watch on. He entered, followed by a girl with red hair and glasses on and a boy with black hair, and looked menacing. "Ben, long time no see," The Character said, looking at the other two guests, "And I see you've brought your cousin and his boyfriend." he said with a smile.
Gwen Tennyson was many things, but confused. That's a word she hasn't used since she was at college, studying for test. "How do you know who I am?" she said. "He just knows these things." Ben whispered towards her. Kevin looked to his right, seeing Pinkie Pie sitting there. "Um, you left your pet sitting here sir." "Hey, I'm nobody's pet!" Pinkie said to him.
That made Kevin jump with a "Yah!". He soon started to back off. "You know you have a talking horse here." he said. He suddenly got four deadpan looks at him. "One, she's a pony. Two, she's pink. And most importantly, Three. I know there's a pink pony in here." he said, then added, "She's a customer."
The last sentence above took Kevin by surprise again. "Wait, she's a customer?" he said. The Character nodded, then he looked at Gwen. "Good to see you again, last time I saw you was aboooouuuuuutttttt...now!" Suddenly, Grandpa Max and 10-year-old Ben and Gwen Tennyson entered the strange restaurant.
"Welcome to the Fourth Wall Restaurant. What can I get yah?" He said, greeting his new customers. Gwen recognised herself from the future, as well as Ben. "Please, sit down. It would help if you didn't stare at our customers or our workers here at this restaurant." he then sat them down at a table, to which The Character started to skate to the table, then pulled out his notepad. "Now, can I get you anything?"
"Three burgers, with fries and soft drinks." Gwen looked at her future self, then she started to tug on The Character's pants, to which she pulled too far. It soon fell down, revealing his polka-dotted boxers. Ben couldn't help but laugh at this, as well as his future counterpart. Thankfully, The Character had something called, "a sense of humor", to which he looked at Gwen. "Yes Gwen?" he said. Still in shock, she then said, "Is that me?" pointing at her future self. He looks at the college Gwen, then back at Gwen. "What do you think?" he said, with a smirk at the end. She couldn't help but try to hide the shocked look on her face, to which she failed as her pupils dilated in fear.
The Character turned back to Grandpa Max. "Anything else Max?" Max was confused, then said, "No, not really. Do you know that-." "Yes," he replied, "I do know that my pants are down. At least my underpants aren't down."
Ben tried to pants him again, only to reveal a extra pair of boxers that looked exactly the same. "Ha, Gotcha." The Character said, surprising Ben. He was definitely surprised, as the Character skated back to behind the counter, only to trip at the last second. He then got up, then said, "Pinkie, I need help with the customers. Any chance you'll be willing to help?" Pinkie thought this over for a moment, then said, "Only if I get to wear my own pair of skates." she said. The Character thought, then said, "Deal." he then put his hand out as if to shake it.
Pinkie did, and they shook appendages for a moment, before The Character pulled her by her front hoof. After placing her in the steamer (for health reasons), and dressing her in the proper uniform, she was ready to go. She soon skated out with the Tennyson's food, while James delivered the Omni-team's food. Suddenly, a familiar scientist dressed in a steampunk general's uniform, ran in. "Ben, you have to-." he stopped in mid-sentence, as he realized that he was too late.
Then he saw the Character. "Hey Paradox, how's eternity treating you?" he said, with a smile. Paradox looked at him, then at Pinkie Pie. He then suddenly facepalmed, seeing there was going to be no rip in space-time, especially in the "Fourth Wall" Dimension. "I should've expected you to had invented this. It's been treating me fine, Character." he said with a smirk.
He smiled back at Professor Paradox, then said, "Need a drink?" "Just water, thank you." he replied, sitting down on a stool. James smiled, then poured the Professor a drink. Ben, however, was confused on the event. "Wait, You two know each other?" he said. Both nodded, before The Character said, "The first time he landed here, he was confused and smoking. He was new to the whole time travel thing. Anyways, he reminded me of the Doctor, another local customer in this restaurant, and we soon became friends. Especially since I introduced him to my favorite time traveling alien, The Doctor."
Everyone soon went back to eating their food, as The Character started to tell his story to Ben on the wildest adventure yet. As he did that, Pinkie looked all around the area, seeing the great energy from all these other characters. Everything was great, and she didn't want to stop working here.
Later...
The Character smiled, then shook her hand, "Welcome to the team Pinks." he said. Realization hit her, remembering that she had a job. "What about my other job?" she said, "I don't want to leave it, but I don't-" He grasped her muzzle then said, "You don't have to worry about that. This isn't a normal dimension." he said, pointing towards the back door of the kitchen, which was glowing around the seams of the door.
She looked at the door, then back at The Character. He let go of her muzzle, as she looked towards the door again. She finally walked towards it, and entered through. She soon came out in her room, surprised that she was back in Ponyville. "Was this all a dream?" she whispered in awe, she stepped further out of the closet, and walked towards the mirror in her room, seeing the uniform still on her. On her mirror, was a sticky note that said,
"Yeah, and I'm just a figment of your imagination.
She silently giggled at this, as she hung her uniform in her closet. Then she went back to bed, as she dreamt of the Character's wild adventures of his characters and their fun.
Author's Note
Hey guys, I thought I would a story that based off the group name I came up with. The idea is that this restaurant is floating in a dimension between fiction and reality, and so this came up. Don't worry, there will be more.
Ben 10 and everything Ben 10 related is owned by Man of Action.
The Fourth Wall Restaurant
A Checker Cab in Equestria
Today was a ordinary day in Equestria for the local librarian, Twilight Sparkle. Everything was normal and sane for her, aside from Pinkie Pie who was talking about a restaurant that exists in between dimensions. She was hopping around, telling her about the owner and his strange personality. Finally, Twilight stuffed a hoof in Pinkie's mouth, then said, "Pinkie, what you're telling me is absolutely insane. I know that you can travel through the Fourth Wall to this other reality, but in absolute no way is there such thing as a floating restaurant in there."
"Next thing, you'll tell me is that there's a taxicab that travels through time and space." she said. Suddenly, the air in the library started to ripple and shift. Electricity started to spark in the air. "Temporal Anomaly Detected!" Pinkie exclaimed. Twilight looked at Pinkie, then back at the air. Suddenly, a cab landed in the middle of the library.
It sat there as arches of electricity, sparked the car. Light emitted from the headlights and the sign on top, which read, "TAXI " on top. Smoke was emitting from the hood of the car. Suddenly, the hood popped open revealing a smoking engine, although it didn't completely look like a normal car engine. There were blinking lights, mechanical noises, and strange devices attached to certain parts of the car.
Suddenly, there was a spark, then a figure covered in soot and comical third degree burns (charded from the burns), wearing a shirt that said "Eat @ The Fourth Wall Restaurant!" to which Pinkie recognised. He soon pulled off his glasses, wiping them off with a handkerchief. *Cough, Cough!* "Well that's the last time I do that. Honestly, I thought I tightened-." "Character!" Pinkie said, surprising him. He jumped, only to slam his head into the hood. He shook it off, then turned off the light from his miner's hat.
Then he realized something. "Pinkie, I need you to go to the car, and pull the parking brake. And please hurry, I don't want to be repairing this thing, just as I get sucked into a black hole." The Character said. Pinkie nodded, then pulled open the driver's side door. Twilight noticed that the door had the words, "Inter-Dimensional Taxi Service" on it, and took note of it. Pinkie entered, seeing all the knobs, switches, and devices. She then pulled the red lever, to which the car shook, as if somebody pulled the brake on it.
"Thanks Pinkie. Now, who are you?" he said, looking at her. Twilight looked at him shocked, then said, "Me, Wh-who are you?" she said, trying not to sound frightened. "Character, remember when I told you about Twilight?" Pinkie said, getting out of the car. He thought for a moment, remembering different Twilights. He soon remember this one, the one that went into the Fourth Wall with Pinkie. He smiled, then said, "Well my dear, what does your logic say about this?" he said, waving his hands at the Taxi and himself.
Twilight, who was a mare of logic and reason (most of the time), looked at the taxi in her library, seeing that there was no hole where it should've came from. The machine itself wasn't powered by magic, but by a different means of a combustion engine. "Pinkie, kill the lights!" he yelled at Pinkie, to which she turned off the lights. It revealed a yellow, metal contraption, with rubber wheels, and shiny rims. The machine had a black and white checker stripe that went across the side of the car. The top of it had a sign, with orange lights on either side.
"It's a Checker Cab. The only one that can travel through other dimensions." he said with a smile on the simplistic design on the Taxi. The Character then pulled himself out of the engine, grabbing his toolbox from inside. He then closed the hood, and started to wipe his hands off. He then went into his trunk. Five seconds later, he was dressed in a blue sweat jacket, a t-shirt, with the words, "I ATE AT THE Fourth Wall Restaurant And all I got was this Lousy T-Shirt." He also had on a pair of jeans, and a clean pair of Converse tennis shoes.
"Now that it's done being repaired, how would you like to take a ride?" he said, to Twilight. Twilight looked at him, then at the taxi, then back at The Character. "Are you crazy?" she exclaimed. He smiled, then said, "Very." Twilight thought that she would be kidnapped to some unknown place. Then Pinkie grabbed Twilight by the arm, then said, "Don't worry Twilight, I won't allow him to get us lost." "Yeah, especially since the Taxi will know where you go." The Character said. Twilight thought about this for a moment, then said, "Well, I do wonder what would happen if...?"
"So is that a yes?" he said, waiting in excitement. She thought for a moment, then said, "Alright, I'll go with you." Both were excited, then The Character said, "Welcome aboard. I'm The Character, and this is our vehicle for tonight."
He then grabbed the meter lever, then smiled at Twilight. "Hang on tight," he said, with a smile, "This is going to be awesome." He then pulled it. Suddenly, the readout started to glow and electricity started to arch around the Taxi. The Character pulled the Emergency Parking Brake off, to which the Taxi soon launched off.
To anyone who saw it, which was Spike, Electricity sparked all around the Taxi. Then it disappeared. All that was left was smoke from where it once was parked, and a licence plate with sparks of electricity. Soon, one thought came to his mind. "I need to alert the princess on this." he said, out loud to no one.
Inside the Space-Time Vortex...
Soon, there was a red light that alerted him. He knew that something was wrong, as he pulled the lever. "Hang on girls, the we're going to make a emergency landing." he said, as the vehicle headed for it's unknown destination. The three of them screamed, as the Taxi Cab started to crash. "Hope I don't cause any commotion." The Character said.
"Warren," Twilight said, bringing a hoof up to wipe away a tear, "It's alright, everything's alright."
Warren turned his head away and muttered something unintelligible.
"What was that?" Twilight asked.
Warren slowly turned his head back to face Twilight, he opened his mouth, and . . .
"PSYCHE!!!
All of a sudden, Warren let go of Twilight and fell backwards onto the floor, bawling with laughter as tears not of pain, but of joy rained from his eyes. To say Twilight was dumbfounded at the (even more) uncharacteristic behavior from the human would be an understatement.
" . . . Warren?" she said.
As Twilight sat, confused, the convoluted serpentine form of Discord materialized out of the wall right behind Warren.
With a snap of Discord's finger, the form of Warren was blotted out like paint thinner and redrawn as that of Rainbow Dash like paint.
"That felt weird," she muttered.
"So Twili-" Dash's sentence was cut short as a stream of purple magic shot past her and Discord. Turning her head, Dash saw a VERY pissed off Twilight, breathing heavily, and charging up her horn for another shot.
Suddenly, the air started to blow, and electricity filled the air. Twilight (who had lost said charge), Rainbow Dash, and Discord were confused as to what was going on. Their thoughts were answered as suddenly, a Taxi appeared before them, leaning on the wall of Twilight's room. Smoke emitted from the metal of the Cab itself, as it quickly cooled down. Soon, the window rolled down, and The Character stuck his head out the window, holding the map.
"Well shoot. I thought it was going to be a easy landing." he said, looking around. He soon spotted Twilight standing there in shock. "Ah, you must be Twilight Sparkle. Tell me, where am I?" he said to her. Twilight's brain started to function again, then she said, "Are you human?" This confused the Character, until Discord said, "Character, is that you?" he said. The Character smiled, as if he recognised an old friend. "Discord? Son of a gun, is that you?" he said. Discord nodded, then flew up to the driver's side door. "Character, what are you doing here?" he said.
The Character looked at the map in his hands, then back at Discord. "Well one, I'm lost. And two, wise quack, I almost smashed into Twilight's room. Can't you tell by the way I landed?" he said. Discord backed off, seeing the way the Taxi was parked. The Cab's front was high, leaning on the wall. The tail end was leaning on the ground, and the tires weren't even touching the floor. "I can tell. What are you even doing?" he said. "Well I was passing by through the "neigh"-borhood and-."
Discord looked at him with a deadpan look. The Character rolled his eyes, then said, "Alright, you caught me. I was actually showing two ponies from the Dhuradhan universe, the ideas of the story multiverse." "Ah, you have those ponies. I thought you just brought with you some ordinary, un-experienced pair from some non-contacted version of the planet."
The Twilight from this universe was confused and in awe of the stranger sitting before them. Meanwhile, the Twilight from the Dhuradhan universe was in even more awe that she was watching herself, but her other self couldn't see her. "Are you human?" she asked. The Character looked at her, then thought for a moment (or at least appeared to be). He finally answered with a "No. But, I am human looking."
The Character looked back at Discord. "Anyways, I need to get going pal. I'll leave you to your stuff." he said. Discord bowed, then said, "See you later, and I hope you have a good day." The Character smiled and waved to him, then he rolled up the window of the door. Five minutes later, the Taxi disappeared and almost everyone in that universe forgot them.
She wish she had it like most Equestrias in the Multiverse, they only got the odd visitor from another parallel universe to their world, while her Equestria was like a dumping ground for the Multiverse.
It sadden her that many of her counterparts of herself were no longer her friends anymore and called her a monster, due to her harsh treatment of interdimensional visitors. But what choice does she have? Just let a bunch of rapists and murderers run around to hurt her innocent subjects? At least she treated the nice interdimensional visitors well.
Her counterparts didn't let the depraved individuals run around either, but they did give them a second chance to redeem themselves no matter how depraved the person was. Truly, they were very tolerant.
She wish she could just send the depraved people back home to their own universes. That way she wouldn’t have to kill them and whatever universe they came from is left to deal with them. Perhaps one day she'll have the power to send them back home?
All she knew for sure was she'll need to eat a lot of chocolate cake, drink a ton of alcohol and get the most hung Royal Guard to agree to-
ZAP!
Suddenly, there was a spark. Celestia looked over the throne room, seeing nothing but a empty throne room. "Guards, send in-"
BZZZ-ZAP!
Soon the wind started to pick up all around the room, and sparks started to flash before her. Soon there was a explosive bright flash, then a smash that scraped the floor of the room. Sitting there on the floor, was a yellow taxicab, which had automatically placed on it's hazzard lights. Celestia had heard of taxis from the humans that came from New York, but never expected one to be here. There was a spark that came from the car, then the doors opened. Soon, The Character, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie all exited the Taxi, charred and smoking.
The Character popped his spine, then looked over the damage. "Everypony alright?" he said, looking towards the two. They nodded, coughing the smoke out of their lungs. Character then tapped on the hood of the car. The hood popped open, revealing smoke and a broken bulb on the engine. While The Character was assessing the damage to the engine, Celestia tried scanning his mind.
It didn't work, and that was making her mad.
She soon walked up to the Character, giving him a stern look. "Not now Celestia, I need to fix this first." he said. That confused Celestia for a moment, before something occurred to the Character. Realization hit him, causing him to slowly turn around towards the large alicorn. He gave her a large nervous smile, while she gave him the stink eye. She lowered herself to his level, then said, "Who are you?" in a stern tone.
He gulped, then said, "Well, I'm the Character. And as you can see... I drive a Taxicab." She raised an eyebrow, then looked at the two ponies. She knew who they were, and who they weren't. "I see that you have some passengers." She said. The Character nodded at this. "Yes, however... they aren't your version of them. They know me, and the general idea of the Fourth Wall Dimension." Celestia looked on the strange Interdimensional being standing there before her, confused on what he just said. "Fourth Wall Dimension?" "Yes, the dimension that a strange dimensional plane that not just anyone can access." he said, replying to her question.
Celestia thought that he was making it up, but decided against it. The Character pulled out a toolbox from behind his back, then went over to the engine. He pulled it upward, which appeared to do nothing. Suddenly, the engine went upward as it grew higher and higher. It soon slowed down to a stop, revealing a complicated tower of machine, towering over the throne of Celestia, herself, and the two ponies the Character took with him.
He looked down, only to see that another bulb was out. Five seconds later, a metal box popped out of the tower and dropped. It soon broke when it hit the ground. Nothing happened in that ten seconds, then The Character said, "Well, that could've been a bad day for us."
Suddenly, wind started to pick up and electricity started to fill the air. "Crud, I was afraid of this." Character said, as he held onto the engine. Twilight, Pinkie, and Celestia were nervous as a vortex started to form. Soon, four humans fell out of the vortex, landing on the carpet. Soon, the vortex closed up, and the energy transferred back into the box. The box suddenly, reverse back to a solid box.
The Character grabbed the box, with a fishing pole, then pulled it up. As he repaired the Taxi, Celestia scanned their minds, seeing all the other earths that they have been to, and all the horrors and amazing things they had seen. They all had one thought though, they wanted to go home. Celestia then noticed that one of them had a strange device in their hand. It was a working timer, with a strange knob. Twilight and Pinkie looked at each other, then back at the humans. "Hey, those are Sliders." he said. The three ponies looked up at the Character, who was replacing the light bulb. He then pushed the entire engine back in.
He soon closed the hood, then wiped off the oil from his hands. He then looked at the four travelers, lying there unconscious. "Come on guys, lets get going." Twilight, Pinkie, and The Character were heading for the Taxi, when Character stopped, and turned to Celestia. "I hope you can forgive us for coming here on a accidental fluke," he paused, looking at the four original ones. "And try to give others a chance. This may be a multiversal dumping ground ('at least one of them,') but it may be a actual another chance for people who had a bad life." he said.
He finally got into the taxi, then started it up. It soon started to float up as the floor started to repair itself. Soon, the taxi launched off, going into the unknown. She then heard a groan from behind her, and turned towards the four interdimensional travelers. "Great, now where are we?" the man named Rembrandt said. The big man, named Professor Arturo got himself up, and sat down. "I don't know, I'm sure that we're aren't on a normal planet Earth." "Wherever it is, it's colorful." Wade said, who was a female. Quinn, who got up last and was the only male who invented the sliding device, automatically spotted Celestia standing there. "Hello there." he said to her.
She smiled, "Welcome Interdimensional Travelers. You appeared to have come long and far," she said. This took the four travelers by surprise. "Welcome to Equestria."
Meanwhile, In the Fourth Wall Dimension...
Author's Note
Human By: Twilight Sparkle actually by Razalon
This is the first time I decided to include others stories to which I would come into. Twilight and Pinkie were chosen by a fellow writer that I like. He wrote a "Fourth-Wall Breaker", involving Twilight and Pinkie. So, after mentioning the idea to him, I decided to include some writers from my group to help with this story.
Click Here if you want to read this story.
Wish me good luck, and hope you guys will like it.
The Fourth Wall Restaurant
Twilight in the Fourth Wall Restaurant
"Last time we left our three travelers, The Character crashed into two different stories, Twilight wasn't allowing non-logic to kick into her brain, and Pinkie was right about the Fourth Wall Restaurant. What will happen next?"
Twilight and Pinkie sat there looking at The Character talk as he drove. Twilight was confused and Pinkie just giggled at his antics. "Character, what are you talking about?" Twilight said. He looked at his friend through the mirror, then a thought occurred to him. 'Dang it! I said it out loud.' he thought, banging his head with the steering wheel. The car soon started to steer itself to the garage, below the restaurant. As they were heading for the taxi parking, a strange mist started to come out of a portal.
The Character looked at it through his rear-view mirror, seeing the blue mist follow them. He smiled as they headed for the entry. The taxi soon slowed down to a stop, right in front of a rock face. He then pulled out a clicker, with two buttons on them. He pressed the first button, deactivating the cloaking device around the garage door. He then pressed the second button, opening the door. He then entered into the garage, parking the car, then closed up the garage and cloaked the door.
He soon turned off the engine, then pulled a string that automatically opened the car door. Twilight and Pinkie jumped out of the taxi, followed by The Character. With a snap of his fingers, the doors closed, and the car locked itself. The Character soon led them up the stairs to a door, to which they went out. This is when Twilight was shocked in awe, for she had never seen the edge of the multiverse. Floating above their heads were several universe bubbles slowly going across the sky.
The Character looked up, as he followed Twilight's line of sight. He couldn't help but smirk at Twilight's amazement with the Multiverse and the Outer, Outer Space Region. The Character then locked the door, then got Twilight's attention. "Twilight," She snapped out of her amazement, and looked towards The Character. "Watch this." he said, as he reached the corner of the door. He then peeled off the door, as if it was a poster. He then folded it up, until it was a paper square, no bigger than a iPad. It was however perfectly square all around.
He then placed the key in the fold of the paper, then slid the paper under the mat. He then looked at Twilight, who was in shock again. "You should learn Twilight, that Pinkie and I bend the laws of physics. And guess what?" he said, getting close. Twilight was confused about the events so far, so she shrugged. "Soon, you will too." he said.
After that, the three of them entered the restaurant, seeing the place over. Twilight was surprised that Pinkie was right, there was a restaurant that existed between the barriers of the Fourth Wall. She stood there about to say something, when suddenly, there was a puff of blue smoke. Standing there was a dark alicorn with flowing hair, as dark as the night flames
She looked sinister, and menacing looking. The two ponies grabbed onto each other, scared stiff of the pony before her. "Nightmare Moon. AAAAHHH!" both mares said. The Character wasn't however scared of this. "Hello, Nightmare Moon. How's the Nightmare Realm?" he said, calmly. She smiled, then said, "Eerie, as usual."
She soon went into her evil laugh, as lightning and thunder crackled all around them. The Character then said, "Well, sit right down, I'll get your order in a moment." Nightmare Moon nodded, then walked to a table. Twilight was in shock, while Pinkie was in deep thought. "So wait, she isn't our Nightmare Moon?" Pinkie finally said. The Character snapped his fingers, then pointed at Pinkie. "Exactly!" he said, snapping his fingers. He then walked over to the counter, while Pinkie and Twilight followed behind him.
The Character jumped behind the counter, ducking down for a second, before popping back up with a apron on. Twilight was still in awe of where they were, until she ran into the counter. Pinkie entered in the small door, then popped up with her apron. Twilight who didn't work at the Restaurant, got up onto the stool. "What'll have to eat?" he said. Twilight picked up a menu nearby, then looked at it. She looked at her options, while Pinkie quickly went to take other's orders.
Twilight was soon about to order something, when she started to hear a strange noise behind her. She turned around to see a blue box appear in a unusual sound. VWOORP! VWOORP! Soon, it landed with a thud. Seconds afterward, a grey pegasus steps out, followed by a man in a tweed jacket, suspenders holding up his black pants, and a bowtie. "Doctor, hey. I was wondering when you would visit." The Character said. The Doctor nodded, then sat next to Derpy, who did a double take. "Doctor, is that you?" Derpy said. The Doctor looked at his companion, then he said, "Yeah, it's me..." He then looked at his hands. "In fact, this is what I really look like." he said.
"What'll have?" The Character said. The Doctor picked up a menu, then looked over it. "Also, today's special shake flavor is Fish Fingers and Custard. With a side of crisps or fries to the side." he said. The Doctor was interested, hearing this, then said, "I'll have the special then." He then handed The Character the menu. Derpy ordered a Veggie Burger, not knowing what a Burger was. Twilight looked at Derpy and the Doctor, then looked back at The Character. "I'll have what she's having." Twilight said, motioning a hoof at Derpy.
The Character nodded, writing the new information down. He then removed the order from the pad and attached it to the order wheel. "HEY CHARLIE! ORDER UP!" he yelled at him. The cook popped his head up, leaving a black silhouette, grunted, then grabbed the order with the tentacle. The Character suddenly facepalmed. "That's right, I forgot that Charlie had taken the day off. Sorry Bob." There was a raspberry noise that came from him. Then The Character said, "Glad you accept my apology."
Suddenly, the telephone rang. The Character quickly drew a doodle of Twilight in her human form, then picked up the phone. "Hello? Hey Dude. How's Mary doing? ... Still a pony I see. Is her family ok?... Ok, well. When are you coming to work for- What? What?.... What do you mean something important happened? What's so important that you can't come to work?" Twilight looked at the napkin that he drew on and noticed the clothes and the way she was drawn. "Well, why can't you get help from Q or Discord or some other interdimensional entity that's one in the same?... Ok, that makes a valuable argument, but what about someone else... like another Mad Wizard for example? I heard Rincewind is go-"
"I see. Well, until we make contact again. Goodbye friend." He then hung up the phone.
Twilight became curious. "What happened?" The Character was phased out, too focused on his friend, or what he considered his friend. He then started thinking on what happened before and the warning he was given. He then wondered where the writer was going with this.
"Character," Twilight said. "Hm, yes mommy- what?" he said. Twilight was confused at what The Character just said, then mentally shook it off as his characteristics. "What happened?" "Oh, nothing important. Just business. I don't exactly talk about the life outside of the restaurant or... something like that." Before Twilight was about to ask, there was a sudden *DING!* and the sound of a sliding plate.
"Ah, that must be your plate coming in." he said, heading over to get it. He then grabbed two others, balancing them like it was possible, however it wasn't (At least for normal humans or beings). He then placed the other two orders in front of The Doctor and Derpy. "There's your food Doc, as well as your's Derpy." he said, then added, " And finally, here's yours." He placed the plate in front of her, which confused her. In front of her was a sandwich, she knew that much, but beyond that, she was confused.
She then picked up the burger with her telekinesis, and bit into it. She soon tasted the flavor that was familiar and new to her at the same time. Derpy tasted hers to which she smiled, liking the taste. The Doctor soon tasted his milkshake, to which he then said, "This tastes even better than any milkshake I've tried before... Well, except for your famous Banana milkshake. And, well any other Banana Milkshake." " From any other universe where the recipe is different and tasty, right?" The Doctor nodded, thinking that it was true.
"What is this?" Twilight asked, confused for a moment. The Character smiled at her and her curiosity. Then, he finally said, " This here is a burger, but it isn't any burger. It's a veggieburger, for creatures that eat veggies." he said. At that exact point, Twilight was curious as to why he said that, when her mind suddenly placed two and two together. "This is supposed to be MEAT?!" she exclaimed, almost dropping her burger. "Well, yes. Though it's for carnivores and omnivores." The Character said.
The Doctor, who heard this said, "I once knew a person who said that he wouldn't eat ponies like you because it was, and I quote "Like eating a human, and I don't eat humans. Yuck!", to which I nodded in understandment." The Character nodded, then said, "There are some humans who would do that, because seriously, why not?"
She nodded, then said, "That's good. I would hate to be someone's food choice." Suddenly, there was a glow that came from the front door of the restaurant, to which a man in a white lab coat, and goggles around his neck stepped through the door. "Ah, Paradox," The Character said, " How have things been?" he added. Professor Paradox, looked around, then said, "Well, I'm feeling great." "Good to see you again Time Walker. How's eternity treating you?" he said. Paradox smiled then sat down next to The Doctor.
"Things are working out for me Time Lord." he said. They both smiled, then Paradox ordered a small basket of chili fries. The Character wrote down the order, then stuck it to the order device. Suddenly, The Character felt as though something was wrong. "Um, Twilight, we need to go." he said. "Aw! And I was having so much fun." Pinkie said, to which The Character replied, "Actually Pinkie, I need you to stay here and tend to the customers."
Pinkie nodded, gave him a salute, then quickly ran to get some things done. Twilight quickly ran out the front door, with The Character following behind with different clothes than before. Then, both of them quickly headed towards the Taxi.
Soon, Twilight and The Character saw that there was some energy was trying to pull the car to wherever it was being called to. Both looked at each other, then back at the car. Finally they quickly got into the Taxi. Character jumping into the driver's seat and Twilight teleporting into the back. Soon, she buckled her seatbelt on and The Character did the same. He then turned on the engine, opened the garage door, pulled on the parking brake, and held on tight.
Suddenly, the Taxi shot out like a bullet out of a gun. "DANG! Didn't see that coming." he replied, as the Taxi cab careened through the parallel universes, and out of control. "Who's doing this Character?" Twilight said, who was afraid that the Taxi would be smashed up. "Don't worry Twilight, it won't be destroyed, nor us. Also, I have no clue, but I have a hunch." he replied, to both thoughts and question. They soon suddenly land in the middle of the library which was surrounded by guards.
As soon as the Taxi landed, they all pointed their spears at it. "Really? Spears? Isn't that old fashioned?" The Character said, but still held up his hands. Twilight, soon unbuckled her seat, then teleported onto the hood of the Taxi. "Stop! He didn't do anything to harm me." "Then why did I get a letter saying that you're in trouble?" a voice said. Twilight and The Character turned towards the source to see Princess Celestia.
"Princess!" Twilight exclaimed. "How's it hanging Princess?" Character said, with his window rolled down. "What's going on? I felt a presence that I haven't felt in a long time." Discord said, in his pjs. "Discord! You son of a gun, where have you been for a 1000 years?" Character exclaimed with a smile. Discord stopped rubbing his eyes to see the Checkered Taxi parked in Twilight's library.
"Character?" he said, to which Character waved at him, "We still have that Chaotic Chess match to deal with." "Unfortunately, I not only have a Taxi business I use, but a restaurant as well." he exclaimed. Discord then shrugged at him, then said, "How about we have the match at your restaurant?" He nodded, then added, "I'll pick you up later." Discord nodded then disappeared with a snap of his fingers.
"Twilight!" Spike said. Twilight looked down to see Spike look worried. "I thought you were kidnapped by some weird creature." "Hey! I resemble that remark." The Character said, to which he smiled afterward. He then looked up towards Celestia. "I would tell you more Princess, but I have business to run."
She nodded once, before turning to Twilight. Twilight soon jumped down and landed right next to Spike. The Character gave Twilight a salute, then rolled up the window, and started up the Taxi. Soon, it started to spark as electric energy started to flow around the Taxi. Soon, it disappeared back into the Fourth Wall Dimension. Curious, Princess Celestia scanned the place, then looked towards Twilight. "What happened exactly Twilight?"
"It's a long story, Princess."
Author's Note
"Nightmare Realm" by Silent Bob
The Fourth Wall Restaurant
The Mane Six and The Character
The day started out so beautiful and sunny in Ponyville, as most of the ponies were out at work or playing outside. Twilight however, was inside her library as well as the rest of the Mane Six.
Earlier, Twilight got a strange letter from The Character who wanted to meet the other four of the Main Six. He then added that "Pinkie is with me working in the Restaurant, we'll be there soon." With that in mind, she gathered her remaining friends who weren't at the Restaurant and brought them over to the library, trying to explain the idea to them, but couldn't for important reasons. Mainly that Pinkie wasn't there to explain it.
Since, she couldn't explain it very well, and they all thought she was starting to lose it again, they all prepared to leave. "Wait, he's supposed to be here." she said, trying to stop them. They however, didn't stop and continued out the door. They were about to split, when there was a sudden spark that stopped them suddenly in their tracks. They all looked up, as sparks of electricity started to effect the place.
Soon, a Checker Taxi Cab suddenly appeared above their heads, causing them to dive out of the way, as it landed with a THUD! As the dust cleared, they all saw the strange device parked there before them. Soon, the door opened, revealing Pinkie Pie, who unbuckled her seat belt. "Thanks Character for the ride." "No problem Pinkie, just doing a job." The Character said, getting out of the Taxi. The others were amazed on what he was.
The Character looked like his toon-y self, except he was wearing casual clothing like a red long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of jeans. "Ah, Twilight. Sorry I'm late, I would've made it but I careened off course because SOMEBODY doesn't know how to drive their machine."
VWOORP... VWOORP... VWOORP... *THUD!*
"I do so." A british voice said. He had a neat mane and was in a bowtie, but the rest of him was basically a pony. "I know how to pilot my TARDIS very well. I just had trouble controlling her that very moment you were driving." he said. The Character sighed, then said, "Alright Doctor, I forgive you. Just be more careful will ya'. You almost rammed inta' my car, ya' big palooka!" he said, it a brooklyn-like accent. The Doctor smiled, then said, "Now you're just copying Vaudeville." "Guilty as charged." Character said, holding one hand over his heart and the other in the air, like he was taking a oath.
They both laughed at it for a while, then suddenly Derpy came out in a panic. "Doctor, aren't you forgetting something?" she said. The Doctor was about to say something when the Character konked him on the head. At that exact moment, it sounded like something was rattling and rolling down his brain, until it suddenly landed with a *THUD!* "Oh. Oh! Oh right!" he said, then turned towards The Character, "Well Character, I'll see you later." The Character saluted to him, as The Doctor ran back into his Tardis, then disappeared.
The Character waved at goodbye to the Doctor, then turned towards them. "So, you must be the rest of the Mane Six. Am I right?" "You're right Character. These are my friends." Pinkie replied. The Character nodded then noticed Fluttershy curled up pretty far from the taxi. He walked towards her, keeping an eye on anything that might ruin the moment (including himself), then he crouched down near her. "Hello. I'm not here to hurt you, I'm here because Twilight and Pinkie know me and my taxi."
"What's your name?" He asked her. Fluttershy looked at him, then shyly said, "Fl-Fluttershy." "Hello Fluttershy. I'm The Character." he said calmly. She smiled at him, to which he then grabbed her hoof and kissed it. She blushed and it appeared he was trying to charm her, when he turned towards a invisible wall, the Fourth Wall.
"Ey writer. This is a Meta/Comedy Story, not a romance!" he exclaimed. For a brief moment, the mares looked around, confused. The Character turned back towards Fluttershy, who had hid herself inside a bush nearby. He soon gave a deadpan look, to which he muttered, 'Curse my Fourth Wall Observing powers.' as he got up.
Applejack, who was the most confused by The Character's comment. "Not to be rude or anythin' but what exactly were ya' doin'?" she asked. The Character got up and brushed himself off, then he looked at Applejack. "Well, it's... Complicated. Trust me, I know about complicated, and you would think that I'm nuts." Character said, looping his finger around his ear, indicating the whole loopy in the brain thing.
"Anyways, now that we kinda got that out of the way, I wanna show you something." The Character said, as he opened the hood of the car to check on the engine. Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow, and Fluttershy were all wary on the idea of being taken to somewhere strange, however Pinkie and Twilight trusted The Character for a special set of reasons. "Where to?" Twilight asked. The Character was pulling a bolt tight with a bolt wrench, making it's famous clicking noise.
Suddenly, The Character's radio activated by itself and started to play this...
The Character soon slammed the trunk as he chuckled at the funny story of the guy's friend. The Character entered into his car and kicked the radio, turning it off (*Stop the video here*). "So, you ready for the ride of a lifetime?" he said to them. They all looked at each other, looked at Pinkie and Twilight, then back at The Character and his Taxi.
"YYYEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAWWWWW!" The Character screeched as his Checkered Taxi Cab sped across the Fictional Multiverse. The others held on dearly for life, except for Pinkie. Aside from Rainbow, who had a wild smile plastered onto her face, and Applejack, who had rode a wild bull before, the others had a kind of look of fear. The Character looked at them through his rearview mirror, then said, "C'mon girls, where's your enthusiasm and excitement?" "In another universe... [*GULP!* ] with my stomach." Twilight humorously said, as she started to turn a kind of green.
At this point, The Character laughed as he drove through the electric vortex, swirling around the Taxi.
In Another Universe...I'm writing a story that's as Meta as a... I can't think of something that is super meta, unless you count that story like THIS! Why are you in italics and why am I in BOLD?
Simple, so the reader can tell us apart from who we are. Please continue and don't mind me, my story should be coming soon. Ok. Well... Well, with that, Pinkie began hopping towards AppleJack. You know, that's a good question. How did she know where Applejack was? I mean, Sweet Apple Acres is, well, was huge! Oh, well, I'm sure it--
"Oh, that's an easy one, Capp!"
Pinkie? But how-- oh, never mind. You were saying?
"Well, I knew where Applejack was because I always know exactly where everypony in Ponyville is, in case of friendship emergencies!"
There was a pause.
When will your Character show up?
Soon, Pinkie... very soon.
Oh... kay. Anyhoof, Spike, Spines, Fluttershy, and Rarity followed Pinkie to Applejack's location, idly chatting about the events of the previous week. An odd occurrence, since the previous week had been rather uneventful. Unless... of course! They were talking about how unusually boring that week had been. Seriously, there wasn't even a Pinkie Pie Party or a CMC mishap. A rare occurrence indeed. Well, rather a rare lack of occurrence.
"Consarn it, Pinkie, Ah've got buckin' to do, so would you mind gettin' out from between me 'n' the trees?"
"No time, AJ!"
"What? No time for apple buckin'? Have you gone all sixes and sevens? This here's mah family's livelihood! Furthermore-- Pinkie, will yah stop draggin' me by the tail?"
Pinkie would not. Rather, she just kept dragging until the whole group came across Rainbow Dash, napping upon a cloud. Pinkie, being Pinkie, was able to convince Fluttershy to push said cloud to the Library. Amazing when you consider that she still had a firm grip on AJ's (now rather frazzled) tail. Anyhoof, they reached the library, and Dusk (knowing Butterscotch well enough to know that Fluttershy wouldn't get Rainbow Dash out of the cloud) levitated a bucket of water over said cloud, and-- you see where this is going, right? Good. When Rainbow Dash was peeled off of the ceiling (yes, they were inside), Dusk and Twilight cast Spell 63, opening the ever-so-mesmerizing blue vortex that acted as a portal betwixt the two universes. Out of the portal came the elegant Elusive, the bouncy Bubble Berry, the radical Rainbow Blitz, the bumbling Butterscotch, and the athletic Applejack. Shut up, it's a gender-neutral name. OF COURSE PONIES HAVE THOSE!
The group formed two lines, with each pony facing their counterpart. LET THE CONVERSIFICATION BEGIN!
May I? I guess. Is he coming?
Above the ponies, was a yellow Taxi cab that floated above them, not noticing the fact that it faded into view, or the fact that six mares and one humanoid being was looking out of their windows to see what was going on. "Now isn't that interesting? These versions of yourselves met a parallel and opposite gender version of yourselves." The Character said with a smile. He then looked up, "Alright Cap'. Start the craziness." The Character said.
Alright, like I wrote before, LET THE CONVERSIFICATION BEGIN!
"I must say, my dear, I simply adore your hat," said Elusive to Rarity.
"Why thank you... I'm sorry, I don't recall catching your name. I'm Rarity, and you... er, me?"
"Why, I'm Elusive, Miss Rarity."
"So very fine to meet you, Sir Elusive."
Okay, next up, Flutterscotch.
"Um... hi. What's your name?"
"Um... I'm Fluttershy."
"Oh, hi Fluttershy, I'm Butterscotch. It's nice to meet you."
"Oh, um... it's nice to meet you too, Butterscotch."
Dash and Blitz are up next!
"You think you're awesome, huh?" asked Rainbow Dash
"No, I know I am. In fact, I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria!"
"Nuh-uh! I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria!"
"We're both the fastest flyer in Equestria, we're the same pony!"
"Dang, I'm hot as a colt."
"I know, right?"
Okay, we should probably go to Pinkie and Berry now. I know, it was going to get awkward anyways. Will you shut-.
"Hi Berry!"
"Hey Pinkie!
"I haven't seen you since that thing with the mirror, throw any good parties lately?"
"Same ones as you! Clockwork's been getting onto me about cavities, though."
"Oooh! Colgate's been doing the same with me!"
"Isn't it great being us?"
"Totally!"
Alright, the pair of Applejacks is next, I guess. *Snicker!* You used a good pun. Thanks.
"Howdy, ma'am. Well, ah guess, 'Howdy, me' would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?"
"Ah have absolutely no idea, but what's your name? Ah'm guessin' somethin' like 'Caramel Apple,' how off am ah?"
"Pretty far. Mah name's Applejack."
"But that's mah name!"
"Well, how 'bout that? Haystack, Ah must say, Ah like your stetson."
"Well thankie, sugarcube. It was mah Pa's back when Ah was a little filly."
"I guess yah must've figured it out by now, but mine b'longed to mah Ma."
I'm taking the story from here. See you later Cap' Whatever, weirdo.
"Last Chapter of this story." she said. The Character nodded, then quickly shifted gears. He soon quickly activated the meter, causing it to fade again as they headed for the end of the chapter.
Back again? Yup, and this time, we're here to stop the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from ending your world in a Temporal Physics accident. What? What are- You know what, never mind. Let's finish this bad boy.
Twilight Dusk gasped. The Vortex wasn't acting like it normally did, and they knew why. Celestia and Solaris did have a reason for giving them this assignment. Through the interdimensional bending caused not only by the repeated opening of the Vortex, but the constant presence of Dusk and Spines in this universe as well, the walls between realities were wounded. Both universes would soon die. Amazing how quickly you can think when you've just caused the extinction of reality, isn't it?
The Vortex began pulling. Pulling at the fabric of reality. The Vortex tugged. It tugged until everything was gone.
The Library was the first to go. Within three more seconds, everything from Manehattan to Los Pegasus was gone, as well. In five seconds, the Crystal Empire and Saddle Arabia went too. Half a second later, Zebrica was gone. The Vortex was cruel. In nearly six seconds, it had destroyed everything in either universe. Everything except my house. My house merged with itself. That "usurper" I took care of was Scarlet Scarf. That wasn't murder, it was suicide. I'm still here, but not for long. Now that I've told you the tale, it has no reason to keep me here. Ha. I just realized something: I just narrated the death of not one, but two universes! Let's see Smooth Voice do that!
"PEACE OUT, Y'ALL!!"
*As he shouted his final farewell, Crimson Capp faded from existence. So died the last survivor of The Vortex.*
Strange enough, the narration booth didn't disappear, but instead stayed where it was at. Suddenly, there was a glow coming from the booth's door before the door glowing bright white opened, showing a humanoid form before it entered, revealing the Character. Soon, following the Character were six mares known as The Elements of Harmony.
The Character soon sat down on the office chair and popped his fingers before wiggling them over the computer. Why a computer? Well it was the coding of the universe (upgrades made it more acceptable for controlling the wheels of the universe with computer code). Also, the computer looked like this.
"Alright, let's see what happened?" The Character said, as he activated Ctrl-Alt-Dlt. There was a ear piercing Beep before the computer showed the screen. It said this:
WARNING! FILE CORRUPT! ACTIVATE SPARE MEMORY UNIT!
C/:
The Character scratched his head for a moment, then noticed the Codebook, which was a notebook with hoofwritten codes for the computer. Character quickly grabbed the Codebook and started speedreading faster than the average pony and human. Twilight was in both awe and having a nerd-gasm almost at the same time.
Then, the Character stopped at a page. "There it is." he exclaimed, with a smile. The girls looked at each other in confusion, before The Character quickly rolled over to the computer to where he started typing in computer coding. In reality, it was a computer to the universe.
C/: Access computer memory.
He thought for a moment, before typing in "I M THE WALRUS" into the computer.
PASS:***********
ACCESS GRANTED
MEMORY
-FILE SAVE (3)
-EXTRA STUFF
-XXX
-TRASH.
C/:ACCESS File Save
FILE SAVE
3:32p. 24/1/20XX-Last Save before "The Crash"
The Character smiled and then typed:
C/: ACCESS FILE SAVE 3
ACTIVATING RE-BOOT
"Well girls, this is it. I hope that this works." The Character said, before pressing enter. There was a powerful spark that came from the terminal computer before the lights in the room flickered for a moment. Soon, Crimson Capp faded into existence from them activating the device. "Wha- What are you doing here?" he exclaimed to them. "Just fixing your little universe. Hang on..." The Character said, as he started typing in code into the terminal. "Why the heck haven't you updated this, and even enforced the universe in case of a dimensional collapse?" he said.
"Because it's supposed to be confusing." "Well now it's even more confusing with me here. Isn't that right writer?" That's write (heh heh), it may make the story more confusing and more of a cluster- "Watch it now." The Character said, adding more code to the stream of universal data, "This is a PG story." More like PG-13, as we just make a porn reference as a joke. Crimson Capp sat there in shock, first looking towards the ceiling, then back at The Character. "You saw my PORN?! " "No! We just saw it on your terminal marked Triple X." The Character finished the coding, then it was soon cleared of what he did.
"Finished. Make your own conclusion people, I'm taking these girls to the Fourth Wall Restaurant for a bite to eat." The Character said.
At the Fourth Wall Restaurant...
The six girls looked around, surprised from the amazing journey and the incredible food. The Character skated behind the counter, tripping and flinging the giant serving plate up in the air for a moment, before The Character got up. "So, anything else girls?" he said, catching the plate as it fell. The four of the six of them looked at each other, then back at The Character. Meanwhile, Twilight was nonchalantly enjoying her hay milkshake and reading a book titled, "So You Find Out That You're Fictional... Now What?". Pinkie finished searving tables and quickly came over to the counter to help with the conversation.
"Why exactly did you bring us here?" Applejack asked. The Character smiled, then looked at Pinkie who smiled at well. "Let us explain from the very beginning." he said and started the explanation of a lifetime.
Author's Note
Thank the maker that I was able to do that. Well, there's more where that came from, and for that, I give you this.
NEXT TIME: Fanfic is Cr*psack, or is it?
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd by CaptainSanchez
The Fourth Wall Restaurant
Pinkie, Pinkiemelia, and The Character
Pinkie, Pinkiemelia, and The Character
In the Vortex...
Pinkie looked confused for a moment before The Character said, "You'll see."
Meanwhile, In another Story-verse...
Pinkamena trotted around to the back of the cottage. The tiny graveyard that Fluttershy kept there for her little friends was still there. It was three times its original size and filled with battered, half-toppled little gravestones. The neatly trimmed grass and the lovingly laid-out flowers were gone; all that was left was scattered gravel and yet more mud.
There was a single candle glowing in an upstairs window. Faintly, Pinkamena could hear sobbing. "Let's hope this works," she said to the bundle lying across her back. She trotted back around to the front door and knocked. For a minute or so there was no answer. Then there was a faint scuffling, as if something unduly short was struggling to reach the door latch, and the door creaked open.
Pinkamena wiped her hooves and stepped inside. "Hey, Angel," she said. "I dunno if you remember me but-- YAGH!" she screeched. "What the heck are YOU?" Instead of the small white rabbit she'd been expecting, she found herself staring down at a fluffy, pink and yellow--- thing. It vaguely resembled Fluttershy, with a trailing pink mane and tail, tiny hooves, yellow wings, enormous blue-green eyes, even the same cutie mark. But it was barely the size of a rabbit, and seemed to be covered in downy yellow fluff.
It was also crying. "I Fwuffyshy," it said. "Pweeze hep. Pweeze hep!"
Pinkamena finally recognized it. It was one of those... fluffy-pony things... from a few realities over. There'd been some running around Equestria when the Trollfic had been loose. It would figure that Fluttershy would adopt one. It put its tiny forehooves on one of Pinkamena and looked up at her with beseeching eyes. "Hep Fwuffyshy, Fwuttashy aw sad, cwy an' cwy an' cwy alla time, nuffing Fwuffyshy do make better. Pweeze hep!"
"What I'm here for, fuzzball," Pinkamena said. "Where is she?"
The weird little mutant clippity-clopped off through the cottage. "Uppa stairs, uppa stairs!" Pinkamena followed.
Fluttershy was alone in her bedroom, crying. She sat in the middle of the floor, weeping, not even raising her head to see who was coming through the door. Pinkamena was relieved that she wasn't in bed. A pony that was so full of despair that they didn't get out of bed was scarily close to never waking up again. She lay down on the floor next to the weeping pegasus. And put a forelimb over her withers. "What's wrong?" she asked.
Pinkamena bit her lip. Living in the mirror realm, one tended to be privy to a lot of personal secrets. People tended to pour out their thoughts and feelings to their own reflections, to rehearse things they wanted to say, to chide themselves or encourage themselves with little speeches, because who could be more trustworthy than your own reflection? (Mirror-dwellers like herself had an oath of confidentiality that made a Catholic confessional look loose-lipped. )
She knew that Fluttershy was terribly lonely. One could debate all day whether her loneliness made her shy, or her shyness was why she was so lonely. But there it was. She was alone, and she was just as afraid of ending her loneliness as she was of being alone. It made Pinkamena want to tear her hair out, the way her friends seemed oblivious to it. Now the Gloom was feeding off it, sending Fluttershy into a downward spiral of self-loathing and misery.
Time for the ace in the hole.
Pinkamena took the bundle she'd carried in, set it on the bed in front of the weeping pegasus, and unfolded it. Inside was a wounded bird, its feathers askew. It cheeped at the two of them unhappily, flapping one wing feebly.
The transformation was as dramatic as it was instantaneous. "Oh the poor little thing!" Fluttershy exclaimed. In an instant she had her first aid kit out and was gently tending to it, straightening its rumpled primaries, checking it over tenderly for injuries.
It scarcely needed to be said, but Pinkamena said it anyway. "Looks like there's at least one thing that needs you," she said. As if on cue Fluffyshy was there, purring and leaning against Fluttershy's side as she worked; Angel was there too, patting Fluttershy's mane. Fluttershy smiled through her sniffles and wiped her eyes, but never took her attention off the little bird Pinkamena had just put in her care.
"Let's see what's wrong here.. oh, is that all it is? Just a little bit of kite string tangled around your leg and wing," she cooed, gently untangling the twine nested in the bird's feathers. "Goodness, how did you get into that? Never mind; I bet you feel better now that it isn't cutting your circulation... there there now..."
A minute later they were trotting out the front door, Fluttershy carrying the happily chirping bird on her back. The clouds above were breaking up just the slightest bit, letting streams of sunshine through to dance on the puddles. "You're right," she said firmly. "I'm not alone. I'm not unwanted or unneeded. I have my animal friends, and I have my pony friends like you." She gave Pinkamena a happy nuzzle... then blinked and pulled her head back. She'd jabbed her nose on the studs in Pinkamena's collar. "Oh, um, that's an... interesting new look, by the way..." taking in the studded collar and anklebands, the black shirt, and the piercings.
"Uhh, just doing something different," Pinkamena said with a lame smile.
"Oh. It's... nice." Fluttershy said uncertainly.
"Anyway, see? Things ain't so bad," Pinkamena said.
Fluttershy smiled and nodded. She took the bird in her hooves and tossed it in the air. It flew off, singing happily.
Right as the eighteen-wheeler went speeding by Fluttershy's house. It hit the windshield with a resounding THWACK and tumbled to the muddy road in the truck's wake.
The two ponies stood frozen on Fluttershy's front step, jaws agape in shock. A moment later Fluttershy's wail of anguish split the air. She ran out to the road, tears streaming down her cheeks. She stood there a hoof's length away from the still twitching corpse, a trembling hoof extended, weeping and whimpering.
Pinkamena couldn't believe it. "A TRUCK?" she yelled. "A motherloving DIESEL TRUCK? In EQUESTRIA?? This is the most smacktarded thing I've ever SEEN!! What kind of a double grade A brain damaged plotheaded lobotomized chimpanzee Crapfic writer puts a TRUCK in EQUESTRIA as a PLOT DEVICE?? I'm gonna terminate their writer's license with extreme prejudice!! "
She ran out into the road, pulled Fluttershy out of the road and into a hug. It was fortunate she did; the truck driver had braked to a halt and was slowly backing up to see what had happened. His left rear wheel rolled right over the still-twitching bird with a loud crunch.
If Fluttershy's wails had been loud before, her howl at seeing this was deafening. She buried her face in Pinkamena's neck. Angel hopped around her, thumping his back feet and gesturing furiously at the truck.
The trucker did himself no favors. He climbed down out of his cab and walked back to see two mares caterwauling at the bloody feathered mess under his back left tire and proceeded to demonstrate his complete range of empathy. "Aw geez, a bird? Is that all it was?" He groused. "Can't believe I stopped for DAT."
Pinkamena gave him a glare that could peel chrome. "The hell is the matter with you?" she said. The rabbit next to her glared at him as well. It was kind of unnerving.
He decided to ignore it. He shrugged and hawked a loogie into Fluttershy's shrubberies. "Hey look, you and your girlfriend oughta know better. You dumb chicks let your pets run around, dis is what you get--"
"You--! I'm gonna activate your dental plan--" The goth-looking one started heading his way, brandishing a cast-iron frying pan. The trucker let out a 'yeep' and backpedaled. He retreated hastily into his cab, rolling up the windows and locking the door. This did not deter the mare from expressing her ire on his vehicle.
"You cross country retard!" WHANG. His front fender now sported a skillet-sized dent. "Tearing through a small town like a fruitbat out of Tartarus--" SMASH. There went one of the headlights. "There are COLTS and FILLIES in this community--!" SMASH. There went another. "There are little old mares in walkers ! You could have hit one of them!" CLANG. "You reckless pill-popping beer-swilling testament to bad road hazards!" CLANG. "You half-assed walk-on bit-part bridge drop!" CLANG WHUNK BANG.
The trucker stuck his head out the cab window. "THIS is why nopony wants your type around, lady! All you bull dykes are violent and crazy--"
Pinkamena's eyes bugged, her jaw hanging loose. The grizzled trucker got one look at the expression on her face and finally realized that discretion was the better part of valor. He ducked back inside and floored it. He was a hundred yards away and pulling away fast when there was a final CLANG, then silence. He would get all the way to Fillydelphia before he finally pulled over at a rest stop and found the frying pan embedded in the trailer door where Pinkamena had discus-tossed it from over a football field away.
Fuming, Pinkamena went back to the weeping Fluttershy. Angel stood in the road, throwing wild and most likely obscene gestures at the fleeing truck before running after her. "Come on," she said, pulling the pegasus filly away from the road. "Don't look at it, it'll just make it worse..."
Fluttershy paused at the gate. "Wait," she said. "Where's Fluffyshy?" The two ponies looked around in growing alarm. The little fluff-pony had been right next to them when they released the bird...
With an awful premonition, Pinkamena looked back at the road. Fluffyshy was out there, sitting next to the crushed bird, crying softly and petting one wing with her hoof. "Poh buhdy," Pinkamena heard Fluffyshy sniffle. "Poh buhdy..."
Suddenly, electricity started to spark around Fluffyshy, which confused Pinkamena and Fluttershy for a moment as it seemed to cause Fluffyshy to float for a moment before a yellow Checker Taxi Cab appeared. Soon, Fluffyshy landed on the hood of the car with a squeak. For a few moments, nothing happened, then suddenly as quickly as nothing happened, something happened.
Even as she heard the horn blat and the rumble of another diesel engine. "Oh come ON," she yelled angrily, racing back for the road, Angel right beside her.
They weren't fast enough. The truck was around the bend and bearing down on Fluffyshy and the Taxi before either of them were halfway.
Suddenly, the Taxi flew upward dodging the truck. As it sped past them, the Taxi started driving on top of the trailer, in reverse. The truck passed by harmlessly as the Taxi floated there for a moment before it dropped onto the ground with no one hurt. A few seconds later, Fluffyshy landed again on the hood of the car with a *SQUEAK!* .
Soon, the passenger's side door opened, revealing a bouncy Pink pony. "Character? Character, where are you?" Pinkie said. Suddenly, there was a thud that came from the hood of the car. Soon, it opened to reveal a humanoid figure who Pinkamena figured was definitely The Character. She recognized his randomness from half a mile away. He closed the hood of his car with a *SLAM! -click*, then turned towards Pinkamena and Fluttershy. "Hello girls." he said with a goofy grin.
Fluttershy hid behind Pinkamena for a moment, while Pinkie peaked behind Character's leg. "Did you really have to bring her?" "Well, the more the merrier, besides in her universe, she teaches Twilight the abilities of the Fictional universe." The Character replied. Pinkamena stood there in shock before her other self came and shook her hoof. "You must be a version of me that was part of that hunt-thing that The Character allowed me to join." Pinkie said, to which Pinkamena's shocked look turned towards The Character."
"She joined the Chessgame of the Gods?" "And played a good game too." he said. He looked at the Taxi Cab then back at then adding, "You guys need a ride."
While The Character placed Fluffyshy into the house, Pinkamena explained that The Character was good, and knew what he was doing... most of the time. The Character brushed off the dust from his gloved hands, then said, "Well, that should stop the pain." Placed around the area was pill bottles of supposed pseudo-medicine, except in a storytelling term it wasn't. The meds were for fixing narrative and storytelling illnesses.
One new frying pan and a explanation from both Pinkie and Pinkamena, they were riding through town in the Taxi cab. There was a greyness to everything, except for the bright yellow taxi, and the glow of the lights from it.
"So did you bag anything from the Chessgame of the Gods?" The Character said with a smile. Fluttershy was confused, but before she could ask what it was, Pinkamena said, "Hunting expedition, Gary Stu-." "Slash Mary Sue. You forgot the Mary Sue." The Character said. Pinkamena nodded, then said, "Right. Gary Stu/Mary Sue safari in the Chessgame of the Gods."
Fluttershy looked even more befuddled than before. "I'm.. wait. What?"
"Um, Gary... Mary..."
"Gary Stus are the males, Mary Sues the females. Remember the trollfic?" Fluttershy nodded. "Sorta like a subspecies. They go out and try to make another universe revolve entirely around them. It never works, though; they suck so hard that it collapses in on them." "Like a black hole." The Character said. He then swerved to avoid a pony lying in the middle of the ground, then again to avoid a banana peel.
"Oh, my."
"So like I said, a bunch of Outsiders built an alternate Equestria to keep them fat, stupid, happy and out of the way where they can God Mode their way through life to their little heart's content." She snorted. "They get lured in with some sort of promise of cosmic ascendance for the 'winner'--" she snorted again-- "And once they're in, they're trapped inside. Not that they care that much. Too busy playing Mighty Whitey. FakeQuestria is just chock full of social injustices to right, benighted ignorant savages to enlighten, victims of crime and murder to avenge, wars to fight, orphans to be idolized by, Diamond Dog slaves to liberate--"
"Oh, how terrible!"
"Nah nah nah, the place is uninhabited," Pinkamena said, waving a muddy hoof. "We populated it with manikins and cardboard cut-outs."
"Nah. Too busy narrating their own greatness." The corner of Pinkamena's mouth quirked. "Still, you'd think they'd notice that all the ponies they had sex with were inflatable...."
"Ewww!" "My thoughts exactly." Pinkie said, to which the Character snickered a bit.
"Anyway, every now and then we gotta go in and thin the herd a bit," Pinkamena said cheerfully, oblivious to the shocked expression on Fluttershy's face. She stood on her back legs and swung her new frying pan, pantomiming knocking some unfortunate's head off his shoulders. "Great way to unwind. Not that it's much of a challenge: I bagged my limit on God Mode Stus and Villain Stus in the first three days."
"DANG! Really? And all I got is a Ensign Sue from the Star Trek Fanfic... I think." The Character said. As soon as he said that, he pulled out of nowhere a blonde Ensign with a pink highlights, and her blue uniform with fish net stockings. He then drops her with a *CRASH!* .
"God Mode... Villain...?"
"Yeah, there are a ton of sub-breeds out there ," Pinkamena said. "All of 'em are enormous ego-sucking black holes, of course like The Character said. But you got all kinds. Purity Sues which are all good and pure and sweet and sugary and incorruptible and well, you--" she gave Fluttershy a semi-apologetic glance-- " only, like, terrible. You've got your Sun Tzu Sue who is a better military leader than Hannibal, MacArthur, Lee, Jackson, and Alexander the Great combined. There's Copycat Sues, like-- picture a new pony coming to Ponyville, and she's a unicorn and her special talent is magic and she's Celestia's personal student and like, omigosh, no, she's not TWILIGHT, Twilight has a purple and violet mane, Dusklight has a violet and RED mane, and like original character DO NOT STEAL, K?" She bobbled her head from side to side like the vertebrae in her neck had turned to linguini.
"Don't even get me started on Donut Steel. That crazed Alicorn with terrible tragic backstories. That testosterone crazed, Mother effin', son of a Bisquick." The Character, before turning back to the road. He then swerved again, avoiding another banana peel. Pinkie started hopping up and down, "Ooh, ooh! Let me guess, it was made by King Sombra." This caused everyone inside the Taxi to turn towards Pinkie.
Finally, The Character exclaimed, "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU KNOW THAT?!" Pinkie just giggled, then added, "Internet."
Pinkamena just rolled her eyes, then said, " Anyways, the most common kind in there are God Mode Sues and Villain Sues."
"Annnnd...?"
"God Mode Sues are for people who think alicorns are too underpowered. Villain Sues are just God Mode Sues for people who think Nightmare Moon was too subtle, Sombra was too benevolent and Discord wasn't a big enough dick." She shrugged. "Better just to cave their skulls in and put them out of everyone's misery."
Fluttershy made a sort of strangled sound of revulsion. "Is all that...really necessary?" She said faintly. "Cracking their skulls?"
"Uh, yeah. Universes collapsing in a singularity of suck, remember?" Pinkamena said. "Besides, it's a mercy killing. You don't want to know what the survivors from their canon realities want to do to them." The Character stopped to look around. It was hard to tell how far Sweet Apple Acres was, what with all the endless rain mingled with apocalyptic ash and the barren hills studded with tombstones. He then pulled out a map, scratching his head, as if trying to find Sweet Apple Acres.
"But... it's so... violent!" Fluttershy protested. "How can you be sure they're these, these Gary Mary Whatever thingies?"
There was a record screech as two pink ponies turned and stared at her. "In the Chessgame of the Gods?" Pinkamena said in disbelief.
"Yes, they could just be... nice ponies who want to visit a pony world like ours and have fun and make friends--"
Suddenly, The Character laughed hard as if he had heard a really hilarious joke, to which in milliseconds he became serious and said, "You're joking right?"
Pinkamena turned towards The Character, her eyebrow raised to form a "What?" face. "Right, you guys handle this, I'm driving." She then turned back to Fluttershy, her eyebrows formed a flat line. "Here, let me list off some of the defining characteristics of these 'nice visitors' for you," she said. "And you tell me." She started tapping her points out with her hoof. (The pony equivalent of counting on one's fingers) "One: they pick what form they'll be in the chessgame. But they're NEVER ponies. Because ponies are too WUSSY. They're diamond dogs or gorillas or windigoes or cat people or timberwolves or talking trees or dragons or draconequi ... you get the idea.. But it's always big and bad with lots of claws and fangs and special powers and usually it's some kind of MONSTER."
"Oh my. Why would anypony want to--"
"Two: That's not enough. It doesn't matter that they give themselves super-pony abilities, from the moment they arrive they start stacking on extra powers and skills and magic artifacts like Pinkie Pie at a Sundae bar. Powers and weapons swiped from video games. Magic battleaxe guitars possessed by the spirit of Nightmare Moon. The power to cast spells using a magic system from another entire universe. Flaming swords. Guns that never run out of ammunition. Trinkets and toys and MacGuffins that even Princess Celestia couldn't make or afford."
"Well that is a little ridic--"
"Three," Pinkie said, joining in, "That's STILL not enough. They'll suddenly have more skills than any five ponies could learn in one lifetime. They'll be musicians and engineers and military geniuses. And they'll be better than anypony else in the world at them. Oh, throw in a hidden Dark Evil Side Deep Within. 'Cause that's like totally kewl."
"Now you've got to be jok--"
"FOUR: they'll OF COURSE have some piece of technology from 'the human world'--"
"The what world?" "Well, it's a world where intelligent bipedal creatures exist, mostly hairless, and wear clothes. Oh and since most of these humans don't know how to manipulate the Cosmic energies that surround us, they basically can create technology that is similar to magic... in a way." The Character said. Fluttershy was confused even more by this and trouble comprehending it.
Pinkamena then said, "Skip it. Anyway, they'll have a laptop or a cellphone or some junk which will naturally never ever need batteries, and all the little bone-in-the-nose backward ponies will 'ooh' and 'ahh' and then he'll go 'now let me play you the music of my people!' And no matter what cheesy crap noise comes out of his shiny techno toy, naturally everypony will love it and start dancing to it..."
"I'm starting to feel insult--"
"FIVE," The Character said, "Despite being either scrawny bags of sticks or piles of gut pudding in their own Canon, they'll KICK. EVERYPONY'S. ASS." This was accompanied with a wide-eyed glare. "They'll know Pony-Fu and Krav Mare-ga and fifteen other fancy foreign fighting words and they'll be ultimate warriors and stomp a mudhole out of entire armies or monsters ten times their size. There'll be at least ONE trip to Tartarus or the Wastelands where they kick even MORE ass." He suddenly swerved again, missing another pony. Reaching into the glove compartment, he pulls out a "ACME Party-in-a-Can!", pulled the pin, and tossed it out the window behind him.
"SIX." Pinkie said, "They'll have an army of loyal followers-- and I mean literally, an army. Usually made of slaves they freed from the Diamond Dogs, and they're all totally loyal. Because EVERYpony who isn't a jerk is won over by Gary Stu's charm and wits and cool human music, even if he's a flesh eating monster or has fangs and sucks the lifeforce out of the living."
"SEVEN." Pinkamena added, "And they'll have their own pirate airship within two weeks of their arrival, or some OTHER outrageously expensive form of transportation. And they'll be out 'liberating the slaves' or 'battling the pirates' or "digging out corruption in Equestria" or finding some other way to leave a trail of chaos and destruction right through the middle of Equestria by the end of the month."
"This is starting to sound like something Pipsqueak would come up with while playing pirates with Dinky," Fluttershy said, with a surprising amount of cynicism for the peaceful pegasus.
"The universe should be so lucky," Pinkamena said dryly. "An eight year old colt knows when he's getting ridiculous. A Gary Stu considers that a starting point." The Character and Pinkie nodded in agreement.
"That's only the beginning. EIGHT" Pinkamena continued. " In spite of Equestria being a peaceful, safe and happy country for thousands of years, all sorts of horrors and tragedies will sprout up like mushrooms around them. Corruption will surface like streaks of mold in a cheese wheel. Diamond Dog slavers will be under every rock, even right in the middle of Equestria. Bloody wars will pop up on every border. Children being abducted and eaten. Zombie outbreaks. Monsters escaping Tartarus en masse. Racist bigot ponies in uniform at every city gate. And every monster and villain gets a free level-up, just so the hero can look more badass when he finally shows up and curb-stomps them."
"And NINE." The Character said, "People and/or ponies will DIE LIKE FLIES around them. Why?" "Why, for TEH DRAMA." Pinkie actually pronounced the 'TEH.' "And oh yeah, you better hope you're not his or her boon companion because you'll be the first to bite it, just so he can mourn over your grave for a bit and then remember you with a tear in his eye while he tears through the rest of Equestria like a lawn mower stuck in high....
The Character soon started to think of the robotic version of Donut Steel's girlfriend. She fell to her death, and exploded before she even hit the ground.
"All of this crap happens to US, so he can show how great he is and how he's the coolest and most awesome and most important thing in all Equestria." She hawked and spat. "The only thing that keeps the Chessverse from imploding is the fact that there are like a hundred of them at any one time, and they can't ALL be the center of the universe."
Fluttershy looked around. "This couldn't be caused by a Gary Stu or Mary Sue getting into our Equestria," She asked fearfully. "Could it?"
Pinkamena looked back; the timid pegasus was in shock, eyes round and jaw agape. "Whaaaaaat?" Fluttershy said. The Taxi barely missed a banana peel. 'What's with these banana peels on the road?' The Character thought.
"Oh yeah. Point number TEN..." Pinkamena turned back to where Fluttershy sat stunned, and got up close. "They. Will Pork. Anything."
"Before you ask, it doesn't matter WHAT species they are or were. They'll be horny for the pony porny, and they'll get pony sex partners in no time flat. Sometimes several." She leaned in even closer. "And you and your friends are usually first on the list. You, Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Luna, Celestia-- sometimes all of you. Though they'll grab a few background ponies for variety sometime--- maybe even throw in a few non-pony races for a lame attempt at originality...."
Fluttershy went "eee-hee-hee-heeeeeew." She danced on her hoof tips as if she'd stepped in something nasty. Pinkie was about to barf on the floor, when The Character pulled out a bucket to give to Pinkie. She then barfed in that for a while before she tossed the bucket out the window.
"So no. Not a Gary Stu. This one is working from offstage, like the Trollfic was. It's probably something a lot worse."
"What could be worse than THAT?" Fluttershy said in horror. She darted fearful glances all around her, as if she expected a Gary Stu to jump out of the bushes and ravish her on the spot.
"My personal vote? A Toxic Nihilist," Pinkamena said. The Character then said, "I can definatly tell you that it is my dear Pinkamena." "Trollficcers? They just wanna pee in everyone's Hay Flakes to show how clever they are. Gary Stus and Mary Sues, they just wanna show how SPECIAL and BETTER they are. Even Misery Sues are just going "poor little me, pity me, wuv me." " Pinkamena shook her head. "But Toxic Nihilists? They just want to prove how terrible everything is... how horrible life is, and how pointless it is, and how hopeless... and they do it by ruining everything for everypony else."
"But they can't, not really," Fluttershy protested. "Can they? I mean, everything goes back to normal once they're gone."
"Usually, yeah." Pinkamena said. "But they still leave behind scars...Like me. And they often traumatize other Outsiders in ways that never quite heal." She glowered. "And then there are the times when the fanboys ascend, the inmates start running the asylum, and Canon itself... the timeline, the source material for a continuum... gets torn to shreds." She pulled a comic book out of nowhere and showed it to Fluttershy. The cover featured a red-and-blue clad biped swinging from building to building on some sort of webbing. "See this guy?" "What, Spider-Man? Yeah, I remember him." The Character said.
Pinkamena gave him a glare to which he literally zipped his lips, then continued to drive. She then turned back to Fluttershy. "Used to be one of the most popular Canon superheros among the Outsiders. He was brave and tough and even though he had troubles he overcame them; he was a hero because it was the right thing to do-- he eventually got married to his greatest true love-- he was growing and developing as a character... and then..."
"And then?"
Pinkamena snarled. "And then... CHEESEHEAD."
Hearing their cue, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled in the distance. " A fat dorkboy who didn't LIKE the hero's wife... he got in charge of the Canon, stamped his widdle feet and tried to write her out of existence."
Suddenly, the Taxi came to a screeching halt. "Wait, are you talking about "One More Day"?" The Character said. Pinkamena nodded, to which he started turning red and steam started come out of his ears. "CHEEEESSSEEEHHEEAAAADDDD!" he exclaimed, shaking his fist towards the sky. Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled in the distance. "One day, he'll get my foot up his... butt." he mumbled as he continued to drive.
Fluttershy gasped. "Oh that poor mare! Did he succeed?"
"Pretty much," Pinkamena said. "She still exists in tons of continuum-- fanon, subcanon, alt canon, strip canon.... he couldn't erase them all. But the main Canon, he absolutely wrecked, trying to find ways to do it. He had her kidnapped. Blew her up in a plane. Tried to get them divorced. Turned her into a clone. Turned HIM into a clone. Rewrote the movies with a retcon. Gave her cancer from the hero's radioactive sperm...."
"....What." Fluttershy's eyebrows tabled.
"You heard me. You name it, didn't matter HOW stupid it was or HOW bad it screwed things up, he did it. The Hero's Wife Must Die. He finally managed to get her out of Canon completely... by having the hero sell his marriage to the Devil to save his ninety-year-old aunt who was dying of a bullet wound."
"....What." It seemed almost impossible, but Fluttershy's delivery was even flatter.
"It even got worse with Mary Jane remembering the whole dang thing- DANG IT!" he exclaimed as he dodged another banana peel.
"They got rid of Cheesehead, finally, but by then it was too late. Twenty years of continuity and character growth WRECKED so one stubborn dorkboy could have his way. The whole Canon came unravelled like a cheap sweater. It'll probably take another decade for all his flunkies and his policies to be rinsed out of the system, at which point they'll have to do the mother of all Retcons to fix everything." She tucked the comic book away to whatever hammerspace it had come from. "I ain't saying this guy we got here could ever get put in charge of OUR Canon. But it does happen often enough that the Outsiders are worried."
"Why... why are they worried?" Fluttershy said. "You said they just watch us for entertainment. It can't be that important to them."
"Not important?" Pinkamena gave her a look. "Tell me, Fluts," she said. "Why do they watch us, do you think?"
"F-For entertainment...?" The answer finished as a question.
"For refuge," Pinkamena corrected. "Did you know that the suicide rate among young Outsiders has gone up four hundred percent in the past fifty of their years?
"They live in a hard, tough, difficult world, that can be incredibly bleak at times," she said. "Watching worlds like ours gives them hope-- some temporary comfort. A chance to rest, a chance to believe for a minute that things can get better.
"Toxic Nihilists hate that. They love to wallow in despair, and nothing makes them more spitting mad than seeing anypony or anything else that doesn't. If they see another person SMILING, they'll go out of their way to hunt down whatever makes them SMILE and DESTROY IT or as much of it as they can reach. If that means taking a cartoon world full of magic and rainbows and talking ponies and remaking it into a fricking morbid hellhole, one full of dead orphans, starving waifs, soulless shells of war veterans, burnt hills and graveyards, they'll do it. And they'll pat themselves on the back for 'enlightening' the rest of us to 'how the world really is,'...... and laugh at the notion that they're making other beings die just a little bit more inside. "
"So yeah. Kinda important." She said. Suddenly, the Taxi ran over a banana peel, blowing up suddenly and flinging the Taxi across the sky. The four passengers inside, tightened their seatbelts as they flew. "WHHAAAAA-HOO-HOO-HOOWEE!" The Character said, as they flew through the air. They soon landed right in front of Sweet Apple Acres. "I knew it. A banana peel just sitting there in the middle of the road is just asking for a Brick Joke." he said as he got out.
The three other ponies got out of the Taxi to see before them Sweet Apple Acres, but not in it's usual form. The trees were blighted and blasted, withered in leaf and barren of fruit. Their once cheery red barn house could be seen on the hilltop, decrepit and crumbling, the red paint gone gray and peeling.
Tromping down the road in their direction was Big MacIntosh. But he obviously... wasn't feeling like himself today. Fluttershy could tell. She'd watched the big brawny farmpony at work from a distance for too long, pining away for the nerve to speak to him, not to recognize his subtle little moods.
There was no subtlety now. His head hung low and his slow confident gait was now a listless shuffle. he was scruffy and dirty, his mane tangled. Rather than the stout horsecollar he wore a battered and scarred suit of armor. The breastplate looked to be as thick as the metal on a locomotive's boiler and the pauldrons were the size of potbellied stoves. They had been ornate, worked with symbols of the sun and moon and fine, ornate bas-relief figures, but the mud and battle-scarring all but obscured the detail.
As he drew closer Fluttershy gasped in shock. The stallion had dozens of scars on every visible part of him, even one that crossed over his left eye, which shone white with blindness. Filthy bandages wrapped him here and there. An enormous belt-fed weapon of some sort was strapped across his back, and a bladed weapon that looked like someone had mated a chainsaw with a ball of hate hung from his side.
He trudged up to them, only stopping and looking up when he realized someone stood in his way. "Make way," he grunted. "On a mission for the war effort in the name of the Solar Empress..."
Fluttershy lost all timidity and ran up, forehoof raised to examine his dirty bandages. "Oh Big MacIntosh, you poor thing, what happened to you??"
"Heretics? Empress? War? What...?" Fluttershy didn't let her bewilderment stop her ministrations. She set Angel down on a nearby rock, gave Angel her umbrella hat to keep them dry, and started digging through her saddlebags for clean bandages and antiseptic. "What war are you talking about?" Suddenly, Fluffyshy appeared, which confused The Character.
MacIntosh stared at her as if she'd gone simple. "THE war," he said. "With the heretics and infidels who have defied the rule of the Solar Empress, granting refuge to the corrupted and unclean..."
Fluttershy barely reacted. She was in the zone. "Uh huh," she said, daubing salves on cuts and bruises and winding bandages. "Take off this armor shoulder, um, thingy, please? It's in the way..."
Pinkamena facehoofed, spattering her face with mud. "Ah crap, they're cribbing notes off of WankHammer 40k," she said. " Five bits to nuthin' says we're up to our plots in Emo:the Tossers monsters next." She stepped closer to Big Mac and put her hooves on his cheeks, turning his head to look him in the eye. "Big MacIntosh," she said calmly. "I need you to listen to me very carefully, okay? I know the real you is down in there somewhere. This isn't real. Okay? Equestria has been at peace for over a thousand years. There is no war with the heretics, you are not a space marine or whatever they told you, there's no battlefront, There is no War. Understand?"
Big MacIntosh blinked. He raised his head and looked over Pinkamena's head to the far horizon, his gaze bleak but his jaw steely. "Only the dead," he intoned, "shall know the end of War--"
Pinkamena sighed. "Oh well. Plan B." The Character quickly removed the helmet off of Big Mac, then he ducked. With an overhand swing she brought her skillet down on MacIntosh's head.
The skillet clanged. Big MacIntosh's eyes crossed. "Eeyup? EeNope? Eeyup? EeNope? Eeyup?" he said, then fell face down in the mud.
Fluttershy shrieked in shock. "Pinkamena! What are you doing?" With a desperate shove she rolled Big MacIntosh over onto his back, just barely managing. She examined the luckless stallion's head, her face inches from his. "You could have concussed him or given him brain damage or--"
"Quick, then, give him CPR!" Pinkamena said. C'mon, she thought. Don't think about it just---
Fluttershy's face bloomed red. Nuts, she's onto me, Pinkamena thought. "What? What are you trying to pull Pinkamena--"
Just then Big MacIntosh's eyes fluttered open. From where she stood Pinkamena could see that both his eyes were normal again. The window was narrow; she had to think fast. "KISS HER RIGHT NOW, SOLDIER-- THAT'S AN ORDER!" she barked in his ear.
Whatever deformed continuity had made MacIntosh a soldier, it had apparently instilled hup-two obedience. Without so much as a blink he lunged up, put his hooves on either side of Fluttershy's face, and planted his lips square on hers. The pegasus' squeal of surprise was muffled-- and brief. It quickly turned into something a lot more smoky sounding as the repressed filly suddenly began returning the kiss with enthusiasm.
It took another second but Fluttershy finally realized what she was doing. She leapt away from MacIntosh, face flaming. "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry--" she stammered, eyes tearing up. She started to turn and fly off.
"Wait--!" Big Mac said, holding out a hoof.
"Ohhhhh NO ya don't," Pinkamena said. The Character quickly grabbed Fluttershy's tail with his gloved hand. He started to fly upward for some reason. "You... stay... HERE!" he said yanking her tail down. He literally yanked Fluttershy out of the air and plunked her rump-first onto the muddy ground. "I am NOT going to put up with a few hundred chapters of that endless will they or won't they angst and poor communication CRAPOLA." he said, tapping his foot on the muddy ground. Pinkamena then said, "You two are perfect for each other, anyone can see it. You like him, he likes you, you're both shy, GET OVER IT." She put her head down and pushed the pegasus over to Mac, sliding her on her rump through the mud.
Fluttershy was setting new records for blushing. "I-- I-- I---"
MacIntosh blinked at her. "You...?" he pointed at her, then at himself.
Fluttershy cringed for a second, then managed a quick nod. "....And...you?"
MacIntosh gave a lopsided grin. "EeYup."
Fluttersqueak. Suddenly, she jumped forward and kissed him again. The circle of color and life around them leapt outward another hundred yards.
There were apple buds on the trees and dandelions in the grass now.
MacIntosh looked nervous. "So... Us...?" he asked.
Fluttershy giggled and nuzzled him. "...EeYup," she said.
The apple trees bloomed.
It was then that Pinkamena realized that Angel Bunny and Fluffyshy had jumped forward and pushed Fluttershy into MacIntosh's hooves. They sat there on the ground behind their mistress, smirking and looking rather pleased with themselves as the two ponies continued with their lip-lock. Pinkamena gave an amused snort and trotted over to the two conniving pets. They held up a hoof and a paw to her. "Bwo-hoof?" Fluffyshy said.
The Character smirked, then said, "How about hoof-five?" to which they did so. After the two finally came up for air, a great deal of plot exposition took place. "... and the last thing I remember is slippin' off the barn roof," Big Mac finished, poking at his bandages. "I landed in a junk pile. 'Swhere I got all these injuries."
"Probably where you got the armor too," Pinkamena noted, kicking at the scraps still lying in the road. "The T.N.'s getting lazy. Or doesn't want to try and write a whole war epic.... At least we know we're not going to come over the next ridge and find ourselves in a combat zone."
"So this thing is sorta like Discord," Mac said. "messin' up the whole world. And you're like... a Pinkie Pie from another dimension, sent to stop them?"
Pinkamena half-shrugged, half nodded. "Close enough for government work," she said.
"Then what am I, chopped liver?" Pinkie said. Big Mac looked at Pinkie, then at The Character, "Well, it's a bit more complex than that but it's still close enough to work with.
Big MacIntosh blinked for a moment, frowned, and then nodded sternly. "Well, Ma'am, you got mah help," he said. "F'what it's worth." he looked at Fluttershy apologetically.
"Ah guess we picked a right poor time to start us a romance..." Fluttershy just bit her lip and huddled closer into his side.
"Well yeah, I--" Pinkamena stopped. "No, I take that back, this is the exact right time to start a romance." She looked around; the fields were alive and blooming as far as the eye could see, and the clouds were beginning to break up, letting sunlight stream down. Every second Big MacIntosh and Fluttershy were together, the cleansing spread.
"I'm normally of the 'hit it with a spiked baseball bat till it's fixed' school," she said thoughtfully. "But maybe this time calls for different strategies."
There was a rattling caw. They all looked in the direction it came from. A huge black bird-- one that Pinkamena had mistaken earlier for a raven-- was sitting on a nearby fencepost, glaring at them with hate-filled yellow eyes. It shook out its ragged wings and leapt into the air, winging off into the sky.
*BANG!* The bird suddenly exploded, then it dropped out of the sky and fell to a bush. Suddenly a pixilated dog held up the bird with a famous win tune. Fluttershy stood there surprised, then looked at The Character, who was brandishing a goofy looking weapon. "Prepare yourself Toxic Nhillist, we're coming to make you laugh til' you have a heart attack." he said.
Pinkamena looked at the house which had a very dark gloom over it. "Oh yeah, that's a good sign," she said cynically. "Come on, ponies, let's go get Applejack." The Character hopped on Pinkie's back, "Hi-ho Pinkie! Away!" he exclaimed, as they rode straight into danger. All Pinkamena could do was sigh and shake her head.
Author's Note
This is only Pt. 1
Next week, we find out that Slapstick comedy works best for a depressing situation... kinda.
Fanfic is Crapsack 2: Electric Boogaloo written by Reality Check
