Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsoryby HelmOfDismayChaptersPrologueChapter 1 - Friendship is CompulsoryChapter 3 - Twilight SparkleChapter The Fourth, Cage Number TwoChapter 5 - The root of his problemsChapter 6 - The Monsters That Swim In AcheronChapter 7 - IntroductionsChapter 8 - The Elements Of HarmonyChapter 9 - ElsewhereChapter 10 - Shit Goes Into OverdriveChapter 11 - Moment Of TruthChapter 2 - A forest that is always freePrologue------Prologue---- Nicolas pushed his hand into the tube that he had so carefully slid into his satchel and, in one swift movement withdrew its contents. The Declaration of Independence. Nic could not help but let out a chuckle – they’d been able to beat Sean Bean to stealing it and were now a step closer to obtaining the treasure. He unfurled the document carefully, wearing a face of familiar blankness. “This is it,” Nicolas said unnecessarily as he scanned the document. However, he saw no sign of the map he had sought and he turned to face Abigail—whom he had inexplicably kidnapped—and his face attempted to pull a face of, presumably, guilt. “Cut!” yelled some man claiming to be a director. Interrupting Nicolas’ sterling performance with temerity hither to undiscovered. A man wearing a black shirt with the film’s title ostentatiously scribbled on it and a pair of headphones that were akin to those used by militants for their communications gave Nic his usual Canadian High-Potassium Mineral Water. He sipped it, tilting his head back as though taking a shot of some measure of some dangerous and inadvisable alcohol beverage. “GRAGH!?” Nic let out a violent cough which somehow managed to border on a yell, rather like the sound achieved by pushing a table, top-first, along a gravel path and into a canal. Nic’s world collapsed into an infinite black abysse – much like his career had done. Sun beat down on his face. Nicolas Cage sat bolt upright and took in his surroundings – an action that would have served a purpose if he had read the script of the terrible film he was in and therefore had known what the setting was. For all that Nicolas knew, he could’ve indeed been in a throne room minutes ago as he was now. However, Nic became instantly angry to find he was not the one on the throne- it was instead a winged, horned, rainbow maned creature. The creature, like all sentient life forms, did not seem to be able to interpret Nicolas’ facial expressions and merely beheld him with a visage of inefforable confusion. “What is this strange magic!?” said a rather startled Princess Celestia, speaking with purpose and interrogance that bordered on the traditional royal Canterlot voice, as made evident by her ever narrowing gaze and stiff, raised posture. The air in the room grew stale and a serious quiet overtook the room. Nicolas assumed he had fallen asleep and had awoken in his next film shoot of the day – so he just went with it. “Dearest Princess, I have come from afar to tell you something of great importance!’ Nic belted aloud with his level of importance that borders on narcissism. “Oh,” Celestia began, rather cross that Mr.Cage had ignored the point of her question, “Go on then!” Nicolas suddenly felt mysteriously afraid of being banished to the moon for a thousand years, but assumed it was the product of a particularly unhealthy breakfast. “Line,” Nicolas said monotonously in his traditional acting voice. Celestia stood confused. Nicolas repeated this several more times before considering that perhaps his Canadian High-Potassium Mineral Water had in fact been high in time space ions rather than Potassium. After a few awkward moments in which Celestia had hidden the bag of bananas she’d been eating from and Nic had stood stoic trying to remember auditioning for such an out there role, the two of them came to the same conclusion. Nicolas Cage really should not be in Equestria. Author's Note Yeah this really isn't going to start making much more sense but i really will finish this! Chapter 1 - Friendship is Compulsory----Chapter 1, Friendship is Compulsory----- Nicolas bashfully tidied his leather jacket and began sheepishly backing away from Celestia. She scowled at Nicolas like anyone who has seen Vampire’s Kiss. “Who are you?” asked Celestia in what Nicolas interpreted as a slightly rude way – I mean he is NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE. “Well I’m Nicolas Cage, famous actor and kind of a big deal.” ‘Sell yourself’ Nic thought. “Oh, that strikes me as unusual,” Celestia thought aloud, “You look like some grotesque humanoid” “Well your horn looks silly.” Nic let out his trademark fake chuckle but Celestia seemed bizarrely uncharmed. Celestia paused in thought. “Nicolas Cage,” she said slowly, “I’m sending you to Ponyville – once there you are to find my student Twilight Sparkle…” ‘Crikey she’s droning on!’ thought Nicolas, who nodded with the same commitment he puts into every role. When Celestia began winding down her speech to the end, Nicolas left placing his trademark sunglasses on even though it was nighttime. He sauntered over to an earth pony that walked with a strong sense of purpose. The pony was brown all over with a significantly darker mane, blue irises and a large hourglass printed on its flank. It had a large burlap sack on its back. Nic was about to speak when the pony brought itself up to meet Nicolas’ gaze. “There is field energy all around you!” said Doctor Whooves. “Is that a problem?” asked Cage. “Very bad, very wibbly wobbly, a little timey-wimey as well, best let me handle it.” The pony motioned towards its sack (haha, on its back you utter bellend). “WOAH!” Exclaimed Nicolas, “What is in that bag!? Huh! A shark or something!?” he said with a sudden compulsion. “What?” said Doctor Whooves along with everyone who saw The Wicker Man. In reality, the bag contained only a small screwdriver, which the colt waved at Mr.Cage a little before leaving. Nic felt despondent after so many ~~people~~ ponies failed to recognise him – so despondent in fact he failed to realise how far he had wandered out of Canterlot. Nicolas spun on the spot like a rapey ballerina; he was now in a dense deciduous forest. Author's Note 'Rapey Ballerina' that is all. Chapter 3 - Twilight Sparkle-----Chapter 3, Twilight Sparkle----- Nic meandered through the crowds of the thatched village; it put him in mind of The Wicker Man again and he dwelled on that being a possible end to this Fanfic. Nicolas swaggered over to the area he’d been informed of. The library was, in essence, a hollowed out tree. Nicolas couldn’t help but feel surprised that the tree didn’t smell of decay and by all accounts appeared to be alive. He found himself pleasantly enjoying the irony of filling a tree with paper. Nic ran a hand through his atrocious black hair and knocked on the door – a feat that would have been farcical if there wasn’t an impressively large and portentous candle in the way. Knocking on the door, Nicolas finally noticed that after punching through his shades he had percutaneously damaged his hand. The door swung open in front of Nic. Out of the door came a purple horse – a sentence I’d interpret as strange in any other context. Her flank was blessed with…with a….twilight sparkle I guess and from her hair a horn extended. She studied the good Mr.Cage in the kind of way a scientist does an aqueous solution or a rapist a woman with rather perky tits for her age. Nic stared back dumbfounded. The unicorn just continued to stare him down so Nic put on his best face. Do you remember Face/Off? Well that one scene where he is supposedly John Travolta’s character after doing cocaine. Wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, kinda generally wide-faced. The pony seemed somewhat affronted by his face, with no indication of a desire to make a .GIF. Nicolas slowly returned to his one other facial expression – mild worry. The encounter couldn’t have been more awkward. Nic found that a door slamming in your face is somewhat disparaging. Author's Note It's short but fuck you! Chapter The Fourth, Cage Number Two----Chapter 4, Cage Number Two---- Nicolas wandered the back alleys of the town, they were the sort of place you’d find crime in any other town to this. His crestfallen walk was one of immense melancholy. The thought that someone would be unappreciative of such a comforting and paternal face made Nic’s stomach turn. “You’re about to be dragged to the sidewalk and beaten until you PISS BLOOD!” Screamed a familiarly bland voice. Nicolas paused a moment. His face stung hard. He’d been slammed face-first into the ground like a pilot lacking in direction. Nicolas spat out some gravel and hauled himself aloft. Nic checked that his atrocious hair was still intact and his assaulter kicked the back of his leg. Nic stumbled to turn face to face with his enemy. Only to be greeted by a mirror image. The second Cage, henceforth referred to as Jeremy, was wearing Nic’s iconic leather jacket and the hair/beard combo that Nicolas had worn in Conair. Jeremy, henceforth referred to as Mikhael Strumanov, dashed at Mr.Cage whom quickly leapt backward. Nicolas bent down, gripping a handful of gravel. Mikhael Strumanov, henceforth referred to as Katie, was met with a cloud of stone and dust, temporarily blinded he panicked. Nicolas burst from his squat and sped at the now bent-over Katie, henceforth referred to as Charlie, and punted his face strong. Charlie, henceforth referred to as Francisco, pirouetted through the air like some sort of gravitationally challenged Beyblade ripped by a retarded six year old. Nicolas felt the need to deploy a catchphrase but could only think of, “Looks like you just went In Sixty Seconds.’ Nic put on his shattered sunglasses and walked away sexily. Author's Note Mmmm the plot thickens! Chapter 5 - The root of his problems-----Chapter 5, Getting to the root of things--- Having realised he kinda needed that guy, Nicolas momentarily returned to the scene of the fight. He squatted over his counterpart, whose name has changed with such frequency that I have started to omit it. Nic was surprised to see it morph back to its original form. It was black and hole-ridden, like any dead body found in southern America prior to the abolishment of slavery. Nic picked up the unconscious creature which had imitated him and set off back toward the library. Nic was unabated by his earlier rejection – no one in their right mind would turn down Nicolas Cage and an unconscious other in the middle of the night, and a magical horse was no exception to the rule. Nicolas again approached the library, the creature under his arm let out a faint groan, a bit like the sound a cat makes if you drag it across glass paper. He knocked on the door of the tree with his free hand, making a teapot shape with his arms. The door began to open, and, using tactics learnt from countless evictions, Nic place his foot in the doorway. The unicorn on the other side of the door let out a sharp cry. Nicolas forced his arm through the gap in the doorway and threw the door open. Twilight’s horn glowed with angry fervency. Her eyes leapt to the form under Mr.Cage’s arm. “A changeling!?” Twilight withdrew cautiously. “Oh, is that what it is!” Nicolas smiled his fake smile, “Well you were so friendly and warm that I brought it for you.” “That thing is dangerous!” “So are aliens, but I bet you didn’t get Knowing over here, huh.” The pony stared back blankly. “Yeah didn’t think so…” Cage looked about the room, books stood in neat shelves all around the room. Nic considered if his autobiography ‘Uncaged: The Biography of Nicholas Cage’ would be there and reasoned that as the greatest book of all time, it would be. “Put that on the table.” Ordered Twilight. “What? The body?” “NO YOUR JACKET!”, Twilight pulled a face that was strangely familiar to Nicolas, it seemed to say ‘You Don’t Say”. Nicolas did as prompted and placed the changeling prone on the desk. Nicolas’ attention was suddenly usurped by a small purple dragon brushing against his leg, the sensation was equivalent to French bread being slowly dragged across ones face. “Oh, you’re cute.” Began Nic in a tone that is often adopted by paedophile’s when opening a bag of Liquorish All Sorts invitingly in a playground. The dragon sped away at an understandable speed and Nic looked away, flushed. (Please don’t interpret this as a Rule 34 set up- I promise they won’t fuck!) “Where did you find this?” Nicolas snapped back to reality, and pretended he had been listening. “It…uh, Attacked me when I was in the back alleys.” The unicorn nodded while scouring the shelves, searching for a pertinent book with an impressive urgency. Eventually the mare stopped and opened a dark blue, leather-bound book. On the face of the book was an emblazoned symbol, not quite a mare, not quite a bat. The symbol was all gold with the exception of the eyes, which were small blue gems. The pages inside the book were a frayed and bruised papyrus – like every page had been made of an unrolled scroll. Chapter 6 - The Monsters That Swim In Acheron-----Chapter 6, The monsters which swim in Acheron---- Nicolas grabbed the book from where it had flown, clouded by an otherworldly magic. Twilight seemed somewhat frustrated by this avarice. Nic pulled open the books cover and beheld its titular page. ‘Creatures and Cultures of Equestria’ Nicolas turned the page with a satisfying flutter. He sped through the contents looking for this ‘Changeling’. Page 76. Nic turned around about halfway through the book, which had, rather unhelpfully, not labelled the page numbers. He stopped once greeted with a large Rembrandt-esque sketch of the creature that was now being tied up by the mare. “So it took my form…” Nicolas said thoughtfully under his breath. The information the book held was limited and extended for but a page, however it did mention something that intrigued the god-like actor, something very brief, something about a Queen. Author's Note I know this is short but fuck me that last one was long. Chapter 7 - Introductions----Chapter 7, Interim Of Introductions---- Mr.Cage awoke. He slowly brought himself upright and looked about. He had slept in the library last night because apparently he can just do that because he is Nicolas Cage. He put on the hat he had stolen from some farm in the night, and smiled pleased that he had managed to fulfil this promise to himself at least. He stood up, already dressed because Nicolas Cage is always prepared. He shuddered briefly remembering the night a man had broken into his house and stole his Fudgesicle. Nicolas came downstairs, only to find a gathering of horses occupied the ground floor. There were six in total, four of which he had not previously acquainted himself with. There was the grumpy southern mare whose hat had mysteriously disappeared, Applejack. The mare with the horn from last night which he’d been told to find by Celestia, Twilight Sparkle. There was also an insufferably pink pony with balloons on her flank, whom was jumping on the spot like a kangaroo had been rammed up her ‘pinkie pie’, a rainbow coloured Pegasus – that was somehow remarkably ostentatiously colourful for a world of technicolour ponies. On the other side of the room was a particularly unnoticeable Pegasus, an unexpected oxymoron, which had become so unnoticeable that it was, in of itself, extremely noticeable. The final pony in the room was a unicorn, that, to herself at least, seemed well-dressed, again an impressive feat for a naked animal. “Hey, I’m Nic Cage.” Nic Cage said with a mundanity so menial that it suited him. The room turned to face him. ‘It is an eerie thing to be surrounded by six racially diverse, individualistic yet cliché, technicolour ponies’, Nic thought as he descended the few remaining steps to reach a comfortable level. “HI!” The uncomfortably pink pony launched itself at Nic, “IM PINKIE PIE!” It pretty much fucking yelled at Mr.Cage. Nic contemplated how he would measure the fucks he gave about the pony but was met with an unexpected revelation. “I get that you’re pink,” he began, “but what the sweet, flaming ghost rider shit does pie have to do with anything!?” It was a sentence he instantly regretted, not the swearing, that actually felt rather cathartic – like using a nicotine patch instead of a plaster. No, what he was actually regretting was mentioning ‘pie’, as Pinkie now seemed fixated on the consumption of said dessert. The next pony to introduce itself was the narcissistic rainbow over by the adjacent wall, not that there is an ‘adjacent’ wall, the room is circular. It zoomed over near him, a verb that was made apt by the sheer wind that was thrown at Nic post-dash. Nicolas reckoned he could guess the name of this pony. “You’re quick” Nic began to wonder if all of these ponies were going to throw themselves at him. “The Quickest!” began the response, noticing a sudden tendency to use the word ‘began’, “I’m Rainbow Dash!” “Called It.” Nicolas muttered. The diamond-flanked pony decided she was being denied the spotlight she deserved, and, as such moved to introduce herself. She sauntered a few metres or so forward and struck a pose. Nicolas noticed more than a few eyes roll. “I am Rarity!” she announced as though this was a matter of some great, or indeed any, importance. She was another unicorn noticed Nicolas. “Hello.” “I make dresses.” She felt the need to mention. Nic recalled his shattered shades. “Do you repair sunglasses and leather jackets?” Asked Nicolas. “Never! Such an uncouth array of apparel!” she yelled melodramatically. “Start.” Said Nic with a slight anger. The final pony adopted a bashful stance and tilted he head downward as though examining the fine woodwork. Nicolas raised a sexy eyebrow, undoubtedly making several attractive women somewhere orgasm. The Pegasus let out a whimper. “…..Fluttershy…” he thought he heard. Chapter 8 - The Elements Of Harmony------Chapter 8, Elements Of Harmony------ “That’ll have to do for introductions,” announced Twilight, “If the changelings are planning something, then we will need the ‘Elements Of Harmony’.” Nicolas sat- in a chair that probably existed, I didn't give this much thought ‘till now, really…NICOLAS SAT and removed his hat from his head, keeping it in his hand and resting it on his right leg. Wearing his ‘I’m about to ask a question’ face and raising his left hand while extending the index finger and drawing a long breath, Nicolas said, “What are those, exactly?” “Honesty, Kindness ,Generosity, Loyalty, Laughter and, when there all brought together—“ “Laughter?” Asked Nic, somewhat annoyed at the use of a noun in a list of abstract nouns. “Yes, and Magic.” Nic pulled a face of ‘You've done it again, y’know’ . The ponies filed out of the room, in a way that made use of the verb ‘filed’ apt and indeed remotely applicable. Nicolas lagged a little behind. Nicolas approached the train to Canterlot in the way a spider might approach a giant web built by an octopus, pleased that it’s there but confused at why or how it was created. Nicolas boarded the train and tipped his hat elegantly as he did. He opted to sit with his ~~new pony friends~~ ~~kidnappers~~…. I mean, Nic sat alone. Away from the technicolour mammals so that he could think. He sat in a very attractive manner and lit a cigarette. (I am unsure if he smokes so I’ll leave it to you whether or not he actually smokes this cigarette) And drifted to sleep… Author's Note Short as per the norm....maybe i'll make shit go down next chapter. IDK i'm drunk. Chapter 9 - Elsewhere---- Chapter 9, Elsewhere---- Sean Bean stared at the script, he was surprised. In the earlier draft he was eaten by alligators but in this rewrite he was put in prison. “Prison!? I can’t act prison!” he yelled at whoever was listening. That was when he remembered that Mr.Cage had played a convict in Con Air… But wherever Sean had looked, Nic was no longer. Bean was about to erupt into panic, when the strangest thing occurred – he heard a voice, John de Lancie’s. “Hahahahahahaha!” Sean turned repeatedly as though trying to face the speaker. Behind him a shadow pasted the wall. It’s head was tilted back and from it extended, not a pair of horns, but instead two rather separate. The shadow wore a beard you’d expect from a goat or a particularly kempt sort of tramp and a fang was visibly petruding from its maw. It cast its arms eagle so that one could see their denature, a lion’s threshing, thrashing claw and an arm appropriately cast. Behind the shadow were a pitiful couplet of wings, one as though torn from a Pegasus, the other from the most sonic of nocturne. His scaled and detestable tail swung by his scaled and detestable leg and, for a moment, he stood only atop his hoofed left, mockingly. “I’m afraid Mr.Cage is out at the moment, do you have a message for him?” his laughter broke his rhetoric and inflamed Sean. Bean turned to face the shadow only to find two yellow eyes immediately before his near point, their red irises were eternally dancing in size and direction. “Who!? Who are you!?” Sean stuttered and destroyed any authority held over this shadow. “Discord, spirit of disharmony.” “I wasn’t actually expecting you to tell me…” began a confused Sean. “Discord will do something unexpected. If it is expected that Discord will do something unexpected, then Discord will instead do something expected, but all that is expected is what is unexpected, which means that Discord will do something unexpected, but all that is unexpected is what is expected.” Sean was confused. Chapter 10 - Shit Goes Into Overdrive----Chapter Ten, Shit Goes Into Overdrive---- Nicolas woke up and threw his eyes wide open, only to be blinded by the bright sun. Much like the chastisement of an overly keen petunia entering photosynthesis, only to be burned by napalm dropped by the Swedish in their long fight against plantlife. Nicolas blinked thrice like a suicidal epileptic, and stood up. A note had been pinned to his leather jacket. (I won’t dwell on pony anatomy but this bit was a bit of a stretch) He unpinned the note and looked blankly at it. Of course he did, it’s Nicolas Cage. It looked to have been draw in crayon by a thirty seven year old Frenchman living in his mums house in Dorset, whose mental state was more than questionable and his selection of colours ill-advised. Nicolas studied the note, carefully picking out the coherent words and using context to work out the rest. ‘You are asleep, we’re off to get elements.’ Nicolas screwed up the note and threw it over his shoulder. He sighed and looked around for something to do, ultimately settling on tying his shoelaces. When Nicolas was satisfied that his shoes had been properly tied, he stood up. The first thing he noticed was that Canterlot was significantly more ‘flamey’ than he remembered, but then again that Princess Celestia did seem a bit ‘off’, the kind of ‘off’ that means will do a school shooting. The second thing he noticed was that he was quickly being surrounded by Nicolas Cage. It occurred to Nic that this was somewhat unusual. The Nicolas Cage from The Wicker Man walked from the crowd and slowly drew his gun. Nicolas stood at his full height and said simply, “I remember you, Edward Malaus, and I think you should know,” Malaus lifted his revolver to shoot, “ The pagan’s took your bullets!” Nicolas ran at the policeman and revelled in the ‘empty’ clicks the gun made. Nicolas uppercutted his foe into a beehive that happened to be nearby. The swarm dug into the poor acting role, who yelled ‘Not the bees!’ and screamed at length about their tendency to be ‘In his eyes’. Nic corrected his leather jacket and smirked, he turned to the crowd. “This is murder, you’ll all be guilty and you’re doing it for nothing.” He calmly announced. Rick Sontaro and Peter Lowe shot each other looks of doubt, “It’s all too late!” yelled the latter. Nicolas clotheslined Peter and continued to walk forward at the same pace. “You’ve come up snake eyes!” Sontaro screamed and charged to meet Nicolas but as a well-trained actor, Nic was able to perform a perfect roundhouse to Rick’s face. Randall ‘Memphis’ Raines high-fived Eddie from Deadfall and they both let out batshit screams; Nicolas let out the loudest scream of any of his films, the Ghost Rider transformation sequence. Nicolas Cage is a method actor and that is why he was able to call upon the spirit of the Ghost Rider in this moment of turmoil. His flaming chains tore through the remaining changelings like Clingfilm – it is unknown what Eva Mendes felt about this. Nicolas through the chain around his torso as the flames left him. He strode towards the castle where the ponies, elements and changelings would be. Author's Note There are alot of film references here... Chapter 11 - Moment Of Truth----Chapter Eleven, Moment Of Truth---- Nicolas stood in before the interior steps of Canterlot castle. There were decorative stain glass windows featuring the Sun & Moon. Suddenly Nicolas slid down the bannister toward himself. “Dismount the bannister!” Yelled Nicolas. There was something different about this changeling, Nic had no memory of this role. The role dismounted the bannister and paused, mirroring Nicolas. It’s eyes began to glow a faint green. “Mr.Cage. I am the one responsible for your abduction. Would you like to know why you were taken?” The roles hair began to grow, insectoid wings sprouted from its back and its legs divided backwards to add a secondary row. “Why?” Nicolas said arbitrarily. “Because,” The role finished its transformation with the growth of a twisted, caustic horn, “You, Nicolas Cage, are the sole source of all of the love in your world.” Chrysalis paused observing Nicolas’ facial expression, blank of course, “And I… I feed off love!” Nicolas took a step back. He couldn’t deny the gratification he felt at Chrysalis’ words. Nicolas stared at the changeling queen. “Where are the ponies?” Chrysalis let out a witches cackle. “We caught them. They were trying to steal the Elements Of Harmony from us!” She laughed maniacally as she shook the Element Of Harmony in front of Nicolas. Some changelings stood restraining the mane six behind Nicolas in the doorway. Nic raised his head from where it had been sulking. “You can kidnap my….friends , you can take the Elements Of Harmony...” Nicolas clenched his fists, “BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR LOVE!” The elements began to glow furiously and burnt Chrysalis, who dropped them at Nic’s feet. The ponies all gawked & gasped. Nicolas Cage rose majestically into the air, the Elements Of Harmony orbited him with a supernatural obligation. Nic opened his eyes so wide that white light poured from his irises, and emanated across his whole body. Chrysalis allowed herself a scream. Large angelic wings sprung from Nicolas and he outstretched his hands. “The Elements Of Harmony; Magic, Kindness, Generosity, Laughter, Loyalty & Honesty. It took me a while to realise the truth behind them.” “The truth!?” “There is another element! The element of NICOLAS CAGE!” Lightning cracked across the sky and tore the clouds in twain, Canterlot shook and time slowed. The light that Nicolas emanated grew to a climax and flashed across all of Equestria, spreading love and harmony, the changelings melted into nothingness and all was well but there was one caveat. Nicolas was turned to stone in the middle of Canterlot. The ponies wept all about him. But then… The air grew thick and tore itself around, convulsing and screeching. In the air where Nicolas had flown Sean Bean now appeared. He descended into the outstretched hands of Nicolas Cage’s statue. And with the hug of admiration that transcended worlds Nicolas Cage and Sean Bean were returned to the set of National Treasure. They looked at one another and then the world around them. They were pleased. Author's Note The End. Chapter 2 - A forest that is always free-----Chapter 2, a forest that is always free----- Nicolas shrugged in a way he might’ve actually believed to be sexy. Too many times had he found himself in this position to be worried. The sun may have risen by now but was completely obscured by the canopy above him. Just as he was about to sigh, Nic heard a distant growl. He imagined one of Micheal bay’s spinning pans, and took off his sunglasses. He squinted and perceived a green glow in the dense forest. It grew larger, and then separated before growing larger still. Nicolas felt an overwhelming need for badassery and threw his sunglasses about half of a meter upwards so that they were in front of his face. He moved his left leg forward and pulled his right arm back. A timberwolf tore out of the trees. Nic drove his right fist forward so that his knuckle met his shades and his shades the timberwolf. The glass curled a smashed around the face of the creature and then the whole creature smashed around Nicolas. Wood flew all around him, so that it all landed behind him. “There can be only one Wicker Man.” Nicolas said dramatically as silence fell. “YEEHAW!” came a voice from behind him. Nicolas turned only his head so that he was looking over his shoulder, maintaining the badassery. Behind him was a small mare that wore a hat that put Nicolas in mind of the one he wore in an early scene of Ghost Rider. “You made quick work of that there timberwolf!” said the racial stereotype in a tone that can only be described as ‘Southern’. “I like your hat.” Said Nic determined to be wearing it by the end of this fanfiction. “Now that’s a fancy city speak y’got there!” Said Applejack in a persistently unlikely accent. Nicolas suddenly recalled something that Celestia had mentioned. “…Twilight Sparkle…” he mumbled. “Huh!?” gasped Applejack, before this moment Nicolas had never considered that the word ‘huh’ could feature an upward inflection. “You know Twilight?” “Not as such… Where can I find her?” he pressed. “The library. I’ll take you there!” Nicolas rolled his eyes in the way one does when speaking with a mentally challenged other. “Directions will be fine.” He proclaimed with a great vehemence. Author's Note Plot thickens next time...
Prologue------Prologue---- Nicolas pushed his hand into the tube that he had so carefully slid into his satchel and, in one swift movement withdrew its contents. The Declaration of Independence. Nic could not help but let out a chuckle – they’d been able to beat Sean Bean to stealing it and were now a step closer to obtaining the treasure. He unfurled the document carefully, wearing a face of familiar blankness. “This is it,” Nicolas said unnecessarily as he scanned the document. However, he saw no sign of the map he had sought and he turned to face Abigail—whom he had inexplicably kidnapped—and his face attempted to pull a face of, presumably, guilt. “Cut!” yelled some man claiming to be a director. Interrupting Nicolas’ sterling performance with temerity hither to undiscovered. A man wearing a black shirt with the film’s title ostentatiously scribbled on it and a pair of headphones that were akin to those used by militants for their communications gave Nic his usual Canadian High-Potassium Mineral Water. He sipped it, tilting his head back as though taking a shot of some measure of some dangerous and inadvisable alcohol beverage. “GRAGH!?” Nic let out a violent cough which somehow managed to border on a yell, rather like the sound achieved by pushing a table, top-first, along a gravel path and into a canal. Nic’s world collapsed into an infinite black abysse – much like his career had done. Sun beat down on his face. Nicolas Cage sat bolt upright and took in his surroundings – an action that would have served a purpose if he had read the script of the terrible film he was in and therefore had known what the setting was. For all that Nicolas knew, he could’ve indeed been in a throne room minutes ago as he was now. However, Nic became instantly angry to find he was not the one on the throne- it was instead a winged, horned, rainbow maned creature. The creature, like all sentient life forms, did not seem to be able to interpret Nicolas’ facial expressions and merely beheld him with a visage of inefforable confusion. “What is this strange magic!?” said a rather startled Princess Celestia, speaking with purpose and interrogance that bordered on the traditional royal Canterlot voice, as made evident by her ever narrowing gaze and stiff, raised posture. The air in the room grew stale and a serious quiet overtook the room. Nicolas assumed he had fallen asleep and had awoken in his next film shoot of the day – so he just went with it. “Dearest Princess, I have come from afar to tell you something of great importance!’ Nic belted aloud with his level of importance that borders on narcissism. “Oh,” Celestia began, rather cross that Mr.Cage had ignored the point of her question, “Go on then!” Nicolas suddenly felt mysteriously afraid of being banished to the moon for a thousand years, but assumed it was the product of a particularly unhealthy breakfast. “Line,” Nicolas said monotonously in his traditional acting voice. Celestia stood confused. Nicolas repeated this several more times before considering that perhaps his Canadian High-Potassium Mineral Water had in fact been high in time space ions rather than Potassium. After a few awkward moments in which Celestia had hidden the bag of bananas she’d been eating from and Nic had stood stoic trying to remember auditioning for such an out there role, the two of them came to the same conclusion. Nicolas Cage really should not be in Equestria. Author's Note Yeah this really isn't going to start making much more sense but i really will finish this!
Chapter 1 - Friendship is Compulsory----Chapter 1, Friendship is Compulsory----- Nicolas bashfully tidied his leather jacket and began sheepishly backing away from Celestia. She scowled at Nicolas like anyone who has seen Vampire’s Kiss. “Who are you?” asked Celestia in what Nicolas interpreted as a slightly rude way – I mean he is NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE. “Well I’m Nicolas Cage, famous actor and kind of a big deal.” ‘Sell yourself’ Nic thought. “Oh, that strikes me as unusual,” Celestia thought aloud, “You look like some grotesque humanoid” “Well your horn looks silly.” Nic let out his trademark fake chuckle but Celestia seemed bizarrely uncharmed. Celestia paused in thought. “Nicolas Cage,” she said slowly, “I’m sending you to Ponyville – once there you are to find my student Twilight Sparkle…” ‘Crikey she’s droning on!’ thought Nicolas, who nodded with the same commitment he puts into every role. When Celestia began winding down her speech to the end, Nicolas left placing his trademark sunglasses on even though it was nighttime. He sauntered over to an earth pony that walked with a strong sense of purpose. The pony was brown all over with a significantly darker mane, blue irises and a large hourglass printed on its flank. It had a large burlap sack on its back. Nic was about to speak when the pony brought itself up to meet Nicolas’ gaze. “There is field energy all around you!” said Doctor Whooves. “Is that a problem?” asked Cage. “Very bad, very wibbly wobbly, a little timey-wimey as well, best let me handle it.” The pony motioned towards its sack (haha, on its back you utter bellend). “WOAH!” Exclaimed Nicolas, “What is in that bag!? Huh! A shark or something!?” he said with a sudden compulsion. “What?” said Doctor Whooves along with everyone who saw The Wicker Man. In reality, the bag contained only a small screwdriver, which the colt waved at Mr.Cage a little before leaving. Nic felt despondent after so many ~~people~~ ponies failed to recognise him – so despondent in fact he failed to realise how far he had wandered out of Canterlot. Nicolas spun on the spot like a rapey ballerina; he was now in a dense deciduous forest. Author's Note 'Rapey Ballerina' that is all.
Chapter 3 - Twilight Sparkle-----Chapter 3, Twilight Sparkle----- Nic meandered through the crowds of the thatched village; it put him in mind of The Wicker Man again and he dwelled on that being a possible end to this Fanfic. Nicolas swaggered over to the area he’d been informed of. The library was, in essence, a hollowed out tree. Nicolas couldn’t help but feel surprised that the tree didn’t smell of decay and by all accounts appeared to be alive. He found himself pleasantly enjoying the irony of filling a tree with paper. Nic ran a hand through his atrocious black hair and knocked on the door – a feat that would have been farcical if there wasn’t an impressively large and portentous candle in the way. Knocking on the door, Nicolas finally noticed that after punching through his shades he had percutaneously damaged his hand. The door swung open in front of Nic. Out of the door came a purple horse – a sentence I’d interpret as strange in any other context. Her flank was blessed with…with a….twilight sparkle I guess and from her hair a horn extended. She studied the good Mr.Cage in the kind of way a scientist does an aqueous solution or a rapist a woman with rather perky tits for her age. Nic stared back dumbfounded. The unicorn just continued to stare him down so Nic put on his best face. Do you remember Face/Off? Well that one scene where he is supposedly John Travolta’s character after doing cocaine. Wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, kinda generally wide-faced. The pony seemed somewhat affronted by his face, with no indication of a desire to make a .GIF. Nicolas slowly returned to his one other facial expression – mild worry. The encounter couldn’t have been more awkward. Nic found that a door slamming in your face is somewhat disparaging. Author's Note It's short but fuck you!
Chapter The Fourth, Cage Number Two----Chapter 4, Cage Number Two---- Nicolas wandered the back alleys of the town, they were the sort of place you’d find crime in any other town to this. His crestfallen walk was one of immense melancholy. The thought that someone would be unappreciative of such a comforting and paternal face made Nic’s stomach turn. “You’re about to be dragged to the sidewalk and beaten until you PISS BLOOD!” Screamed a familiarly bland voice. Nicolas paused a moment. His face stung hard. He’d been slammed face-first into the ground like a pilot lacking in direction. Nicolas spat out some gravel and hauled himself aloft. Nic checked that his atrocious hair was still intact and his assaulter kicked the back of his leg. Nic stumbled to turn face to face with his enemy. Only to be greeted by a mirror image. The second Cage, henceforth referred to as Jeremy, was wearing Nic’s iconic leather jacket and the hair/beard combo that Nicolas had worn in Conair. Jeremy, henceforth referred to as Mikhael Strumanov, dashed at Mr.Cage whom quickly leapt backward. Nicolas bent down, gripping a handful of gravel. Mikhael Strumanov, henceforth referred to as Katie, was met with a cloud of stone and dust, temporarily blinded he panicked. Nicolas burst from his squat and sped at the now bent-over Katie, henceforth referred to as Charlie, and punted his face strong. Charlie, henceforth referred to as Francisco, pirouetted through the air like some sort of gravitationally challenged Beyblade ripped by a retarded six year old. Nicolas felt the need to deploy a catchphrase but could only think of, “Looks like you just went In Sixty Seconds.’ Nic put on his shattered sunglasses and walked away sexily. Author's Note Mmmm the plot thickens!
Chapter 5 - The root of his problems-----Chapter 5, Getting to the root of things--- Having realised he kinda needed that guy, Nicolas momentarily returned to the scene of the fight. He squatted over his counterpart, whose name has changed with such frequency that I have started to omit it. Nic was surprised to see it morph back to its original form. It was black and hole-ridden, like any dead body found in southern America prior to the abolishment of slavery. Nic picked up the unconscious creature which had imitated him and set off back toward the library. Nic was unabated by his earlier rejection – no one in their right mind would turn down Nicolas Cage and an unconscious other in the middle of the night, and a magical horse was no exception to the rule. Nicolas again approached the library, the creature under his arm let out a faint groan, a bit like the sound a cat makes if you drag it across glass paper. He knocked on the door of the tree with his free hand, making a teapot shape with his arms. The door began to open, and, using tactics learnt from countless evictions, Nic place his foot in the doorway. The unicorn on the other side of the door let out a sharp cry. Nicolas forced his arm through the gap in the doorway and threw the door open. Twilight’s horn glowed with angry fervency. Her eyes leapt to the form under Mr.Cage’s arm. “A changeling!?” Twilight withdrew cautiously. “Oh, is that what it is!” Nicolas smiled his fake smile, “Well you were so friendly and warm that I brought it for you.” “That thing is dangerous!” “So are aliens, but I bet you didn’t get Knowing over here, huh.” The pony stared back blankly. “Yeah didn’t think so…” Cage looked about the room, books stood in neat shelves all around the room. Nic considered if his autobiography ‘Uncaged: The Biography of Nicholas Cage’ would be there and reasoned that as the greatest book of all time, it would be. “Put that on the table.” Ordered Twilight. “What? The body?” “NO YOUR JACKET!”, Twilight pulled a face that was strangely familiar to Nicolas, it seemed to say ‘You Don’t Say”. Nicolas did as prompted and placed the changeling prone on the desk. Nicolas’ attention was suddenly usurped by a small purple dragon brushing against his leg, the sensation was equivalent to French bread being slowly dragged across ones face. “Oh, you’re cute.” Began Nic in a tone that is often adopted by paedophile’s when opening a bag of Liquorish All Sorts invitingly in a playground. The dragon sped away at an understandable speed and Nic looked away, flushed. (Please don’t interpret this as a Rule 34 set up- I promise they won’t fuck!) “Where did you find this?” Nicolas snapped back to reality, and pretended he had been listening. “It…uh, Attacked me when I was in the back alleys.” The unicorn nodded while scouring the shelves, searching for a pertinent book with an impressive urgency. Eventually the mare stopped and opened a dark blue, leather-bound book. On the face of the book was an emblazoned symbol, not quite a mare, not quite a bat. The symbol was all gold with the exception of the eyes, which were small blue gems. The pages inside the book were a frayed and bruised papyrus – like every page had been made of an unrolled scroll.
Chapter 6 - The Monsters That Swim In Acheron-----Chapter 6, The monsters which swim in Acheron---- Nicolas grabbed the book from where it had flown, clouded by an otherworldly magic. Twilight seemed somewhat frustrated by this avarice. Nic pulled open the books cover and beheld its titular page. ‘Creatures and Cultures of Equestria’ Nicolas turned the page with a satisfying flutter. He sped through the contents looking for this ‘Changeling’. Page 76. Nic turned around about halfway through the book, which had, rather unhelpfully, not labelled the page numbers. He stopped once greeted with a large Rembrandt-esque sketch of the creature that was now being tied up by the mare. “So it took my form…” Nicolas said thoughtfully under his breath. The information the book held was limited and extended for but a page, however it did mention something that intrigued the god-like actor, something very brief, something about a Queen. Author's Note I know this is short but fuck me that last one was long.
Chapter 7 - Introductions----Chapter 7, Interim Of Introductions---- Mr.Cage awoke. He slowly brought himself upright and looked about. He had slept in the library last night because apparently he can just do that because he is Nicolas Cage. He put on the hat he had stolen from some farm in the night, and smiled pleased that he had managed to fulfil this promise to himself at least. He stood up, already dressed because Nicolas Cage is always prepared. He shuddered briefly remembering the night a man had broken into his house and stole his Fudgesicle. Nicolas came downstairs, only to find a gathering of horses occupied the ground floor. There were six in total, four of which he had not previously acquainted himself with. There was the grumpy southern mare whose hat had mysteriously disappeared, Applejack. The mare with the horn from last night which he’d been told to find by Celestia, Twilight Sparkle. There was also an insufferably pink pony with balloons on her flank, whom was jumping on the spot like a kangaroo had been rammed up her ‘pinkie pie’, a rainbow coloured Pegasus – that was somehow remarkably ostentatiously colourful for a world of technicolour ponies. On the other side of the room was a particularly unnoticeable Pegasus, an unexpected oxymoron, which had become so unnoticeable that it was, in of itself, extremely noticeable. The final pony in the room was a unicorn, that, to herself at least, seemed well-dressed, again an impressive feat for a naked animal. “Hey, I’m Nic Cage.” Nic Cage said with a mundanity so menial that it suited him. The room turned to face him. ‘It is an eerie thing to be surrounded by six racially diverse, individualistic yet cliché, technicolour ponies’, Nic thought as he descended the few remaining steps to reach a comfortable level. “HI!” The uncomfortably pink pony launched itself at Nic, “IM PINKIE PIE!” It pretty much fucking yelled at Mr.Cage. Nic contemplated how he would measure the fucks he gave about the pony but was met with an unexpected revelation. “I get that you’re pink,” he began, “but what the sweet, flaming ghost rider shit does pie have to do with anything!?” It was a sentence he instantly regretted, not the swearing, that actually felt rather cathartic – like using a nicotine patch instead of a plaster. No, what he was actually regretting was mentioning ‘pie’, as Pinkie now seemed fixated on the consumption of said dessert. The next pony to introduce itself was the narcissistic rainbow over by the adjacent wall, not that there is an ‘adjacent’ wall, the room is circular. It zoomed over near him, a verb that was made apt by the sheer wind that was thrown at Nic post-dash. Nicolas reckoned he could guess the name of this pony. “You’re quick” Nic began to wonder if all of these ponies were going to throw themselves at him. “The Quickest!” began the response, noticing a sudden tendency to use the word ‘began’, “I’m Rainbow Dash!” “Called It.” Nicolas muttered. The diamond-flanked pony decided she was being denied the spotlight she deserved, and, as such moved to introduce herself. She sauntered a few metres or so forward and struck a pose. Nicolas noticed more than a few eyes roll. “I am Rarity!” she announced as though this was a matter of some great, or indeed any, importance. She was another unicorn noticed Nicolas. “Hello.” “I make dresses.” She felt the need to mention. Nic recalled his shattered shades. “Do you repair sunglasses and leather jackets?” Asked Nicolas. “Never! Such an uncouth array of apparel!” she yelled melodramatically. “Start.” Said Nic with a slight anger. The final pony adopted a bashful stance and tilted he head downward as though examining the fine woodwork. Nicolas raised a sexy eyebrow, undoubtedly making several attractive women somewhere orgasm. The Pegasus let out a whimper. “…..Fluttershy…” he thought he heard.
Chapter 8 - The Elements Of Harmony------Chapter 8, Elements Of Harmony------ “That’ll have to do for introductions,” announced Twilight, “If the changelings are planning something, then we will need the ‘Elements Of Harmony’.” Nicolas sat- in a chair that probably existed, I didn't give this much thought ‘till now, really…NICOLAS SAT and removed his hat from his head, keeping it in his hand and resting it on his right leg. Wearing his ‘I’m about to ask a question’ face and raising his left hand while extending the index finger and drawing a long breath, Nicolas said, “What are those, exactly?” “Honesty, Kindness ,Generosity, Loyalty, Laughter and, when there all brought together—“ “Laughter?” Asked Nic, somewhat annoyed at the use of a noun in a list of abstract nouns. “Yes, and Magic.” Nic pulled a face of ‘You've done it again, y’know’ . The ponies filed out of the room, in a way that made use of the verb ‘filed’ apt and indeed remotely applicable. Nicolas lagged a little behind. Nicolas approached the train to Canterlot in the way a spider might approach a giant web built by an octopus, pleased that it’s there but confused at why or how it was created. Nicolas boarded the train and tipped his hat elegantly as he did. He opted to sit with his ~~new pony friends~~ ~~kidnappers~~…. I mean, Nic sat alone. Away from the technicolour mammals so that he could think. He sat in a very attractive manner and lit a cigarette. (I am unsure if he smokes so I’ll leave it to you whether or not he actually smokes this cigarette) And drifted to sleep… Author's Note Short as per the norm....maybe i'll make shit go down next chapter. IDK i'm drunk.
Chapter 9 - Elsewhere---- Chapter 9, Elsewhere---- Sean Bean stared at the script, he was surprised. In the earlier draft he was eaten by alligators but in this rewrite he was put in prison. “Prison!? I can’t act prison!” he yelled at whoever was listening. That was when he remembered that Mr.Cage had played a convict in Con Air… But wherever Sean had looked, Nic was no longer. Bean was about to erupt into panic, when the strangest thing occurred – he heard a voice, John de Lancie’s. “Hahahahahahaha!” Sean turned repeatedly as though trying to face the speaker. Behind him a shadow pasted the wall. It’s head was tilted back and from it extended, not a pair of horns, but instead two rather separate. The shadow wore a beard you’d expect from a goat or a particularly kempt sort of tramp and a fang was visibly petruding from its maw. It cast its arms eagle so that one could see their denature, a lion’s threshing, thrashing claw and an arm appropriately cast. Behind the shadow were a pitiful couplet of wings, one as though torn from a Pegasus, the other from the most sonic of nocturne. His scaled and detestable tail swung by his scaled and detestable leg and, for a moment, he stood only atop his hoofed left, mockingly. “I’m afraid Mr.Cage is out at the moment, do you have a message for him?” his laughter broke his rhetoric and inflamed Sean. Bean turned to face the shadow only to find two yellow eyes immediately before his near point, their red irises were eternally dancing in size and direction. “Who!? Who are you!?” Sean stuttered and destroyed any authority held over this shadow. “Discord, spirit of disharmony.” “I wasn’t actually expecting you to tell me…” began a confused Sean. “Discord will do something unexpected. If it is expected that Discord will do something unexpected, then Discord will instead do something expected, but all that is expected is what is unexpected, which means that Discord will do something unexpected, but all that is unexpected is what is expected.” Sean was confused.
Chapter 10 - Shit Goes Into Overdrive----Chapter Ten, Shit Goes Into Overdrive---- Nicolas woke up and threw his eyes wide open, only to be blinded by the bright sun. Much like the chastisement of an overly keen petunia entering photosynthesis, only to be burned by napalm dropped by the Swedish in their long fight against plantlife. Nicolas blinked thrice like a suicidal epileptic, and stood up. A note had been pinned to his leather jacket. (I won’t dwell on pony anatomy but this bit was a bit of a stretch) He unpinned the note and looked blankly at it. Of course he did, it’s Nicolas Cage. It looked to have been draw in crayon by a thirty seven year old Frenchman living in his mums house in Dorset, whose mental state was more than questionable and his selection of colours ill-advised. Nicolas studied the note, carefully picking out the coherent words and using context to work out the rest. ‘You are asleep, we’re off to get elements.’ Nicolas screwed up the note and threw it over his shoulder. He sighed and looked around for something to do, ultimately settling on tying his shoelaces. When Nicolas was satisfied that his shoes had been properly tied, he stood up. The first thing he noticed was that Canterlot was significantly more ‘flamey’ than he remembered, but then again that Princess Celestia did seem a bit ‘off’, the kind of ‘off’ that means will do a school shooting. The second thing he noticed was that he was quickly being surrounded by Nicolas Cage. It occurred to Nic that this was somewhat unusual. The Nicolas Cage from The Wicker Man walked from the crowd and slowly drew his gun. Nicolas stood at his full height and said simply, “I remember you, Edward Malaus, and I think you should know,” Malaus lifted his revolver to shoot, “ The pagan’s took your bullets!” Nicolas ran at the policeman and revelled in the ‘empty’ clicks the gun made. Nicolas uppercutted his foe into a beehive that happened to be nearby. The swarm dug into the poor acting role, who yelled ‘Not the bees!’ and screamed at length about their tendency to be ‘In his eyes’. Nic corrected his leather jacket and smirked, he turned to the crowd. “This is murder, you’ll all be guilty and you’re doing it for nothing.” He calmly announced. Rick Sontaro and Peter Lowe shot each other looks of doubt, “It’s all too late!” yelled the latter. Nicolas clotheslined Peter and continued to walk forward at the same pace. “You’ve come up snake eyes!” Sontaro screamed and charged to meet Nicolas but as a well-trained actor, Nic was able to perform a perfect roundhouse to Rick’s face. Randall ‘Memphis’ Raines high-fived Eddie from Deadfall and they both let out batshit screams; Nicolas let out the loudest scream of any of his films, the Ghost Rider transformation sequence. Nicolas Cage is a method actor and that is why he was able to call upon the spirit of the Ghost Rider in this moment of turmoil. His flaming chains tore through the remaining changelings like Clingfilm – it is unknown what Eva Mendes felt about this. Nicolas through the chain around his torso as the flames left him. He strode towards the castle where the ponies, elements and changelings would be. Author's Note There are alot of film references here...
Chapter 11 - Moment Of Truth----Chapter Eleven, Moment Of Truth---- Nicolas stood in before the interior steps of Canterlot castle. There were decorative stain glass windows featuring the Sun & Moon. Suddenly Nicolas slid down the bannister toward himself. “Dismount the bannister!” Yelled Nicolas. There was something different about this changeling, Nic had no memory of this role. The role dismounted the bannister and paused, mirroring Nicolas. It’s eyes began to glow a faint green. “Mr.Cage. I am the one responsible for your abduction. Would you like to know why you were taken?” The roles hair began to grow, insectoid wings sprouted from its back and its legs divided backwards to add a secondary row. “Why?” Nicolas said arbitrarily. “Because,” The role finished its transformation with the growth of a twisted, caustic horn, “You, Nicolas Cage, are the sole source of all of the love in your world.” Chrysalis paused observing Nicolas’ facial expression, blank of course, “And I… I feed off love!” Nicolas took a step back. He couldn’t deny the gratification he felt at Chrysalis’ words. Nicolas stared at the changeling queen. “Where are the ponies?” Chrysalis let out a witches cackle. “We caught them. They were trying to steal the Elements Of Harmony from us!” She laughed maniacally as she shook the Element Of Harmony in front of Nicolas. Some changelings stood restraining the mane six behind Nicolas in the doorway. Nic raised his head from where it had been sulking. “You can kidnap my….friends , you can take the Elements Of Harmony...” Nicolas clenched his fists, “BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR LOVE!” The elements began to glow furiously and burnt Chrysalis, who dropped them at Nic’s feet. The ponies all gawked & gasped. Nicolas Cage rose majestically into the air, the Elements Of Harmony orbited him with a supernatural obligation. Nic opened his eyes so wide that white light poured from his irises, and emanated across his whole body. Chrysalis allowed herself a scream. Large angelic wings sprung from Nicolas and he outstretched his hands. “The Elements Of Harmony; Magic, Kindness, Generosity, Laughter, Loyalty & Honesty. It took me a while to realise the truth behind them.” “The truth!?” “There is another element! The element of NICOLAS CAGE!” Lightning cracked across the sky and tore the clouds in twain, Canterlot shook and time slowed. The light that Nicolas emanated grew to a climax and flashed across all of Equestria, spreading love and harmony, the changelings melted into nothingness and all was well but there was one caveat. Nicolas was turned to stone in the middle of Canterlot. The ponies wept all about him. But then… The air grew thick and tore itself around, convulsing and screeching. In the air where Nicolas had flown Sean Bean now appeared. He descended into the outstretched hands of Nicolas Cage’s statue. And with the hug of admiration that transcended worlds Nicolas Cage and Sean Bean were returned to the set of National Treasure. They looked at one another and then the world around them. They were pleased. Author's Note The End.
Chapter 2 - A forest that is always free-----Chapter 2, a forest that is always free----- Nicolas shrugged in a way he might’ve actually believed to be sexy. Too many times had he found himself in this position to be worried. The sun may have risen by now but was completely obscured by the canopy above him. Just as he was about to sigh, Nic heard a distant growl. He imagined one of Micheal bay’s spinning pans, and took off his sunglasses. He squinted and perceived a green glow in the dense forest. It grew larger, and then separated before growing larger still. Nicolas felt an overwhelming need for badassery and threw his sunglasses about half of a meter upwards so that they were in front of his face. He moved his left leg forward and pulled his right arm back. A timberwolf tore out of the trees. Nic drove his right fist forward so that his knuckle met his shades and his shades the timberwolf. The glass curled a smashed around the face of the creature and then the whole creature smashed around Nicolas. Wood flew all around him, so that it all landed behind him. “There can be only one Wicker Man.” Nicolas said dramatically as silence fell. “YEEHAW!” came a voice from behind him. Nicolas turned only his head so that he was looking over his shoulder, maintaining the badassery. Behind him was a small mare that wore a hat that put Nicolas in mind of the one he wore in an early scene of Ghost Rider. “You made quick work of that there timberwolf!” said the racial stereotype in a tone that can only be described as ‘Southern’. “I like your hat.” Said Nic determined to be wearing it by the end of this fanfiction. “Now that’s a fancy city speak y’got there!” Said Applejack in a persistently unlikely accent. Nicolas suddenly recalled something that Celestia had mentioned. “…Twilight Sparkle…” he mumbled. “Huh!?” gasped Applejack, before this moment Nicolas had never considered that the word ‘huh’ could feature an upward inflection. “You know Twilight?” “Not as such… Where can I find her?” he pressed. “The library. I’ll take you there!” Nicolas rolled his eyes in the way one does when speaking with a mentally challenged other. “Directions will be fine.” He proclaimed with a great vehemence. Author's Note Plot thickens next time...
