Chapters Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
------Prologue----
Nicolas pushed his hand into the tube that he had so carefully slid into his satchel and, in one swift movement withdrew its contents.
The Declaration of Independence.
Nic could not help but let out a chuckle – they’d been able to beat Sean Bean to stealing it and were now a step closer to obtaining the treasure. He unfurled the document carefully, wearing a face of familiar blankness.
He sipped it, tilting his head back as though taking a shot of some measure of some dangerous and inadvisable alcohol beverage.
Sun beat down on his face.
Nicolas Cage sat bolt upright and took in his surroundings – an action that would have served a purpose if he had read the script of the terrible film he was in and therefore had known what the setting was. For all that Nicolas knew, he could’ve indeed been in a throne room minutes ago as he was now.
However, Nic became instantly angry to find he was not the one on the throne- it was instead a winged, horned, rainbow maned creature. The creature, like all sentient life forms, did not seem to be able to interpret Nicolas’ facial expressions and merely beheld him with a visage of inefforable confusion.
“What is this strange magic!?” said a rather startled Princess Celestia, speaking with purpose and interrogance that bordered on the traditional royal Canterlot voice, as made evident by her ever narrowing gaze and stiff, raised posture. The air in the room grew stale and a serious quiet overtook the room. Nicolas assumed he had fallen asleep and had awoken in his next film shoot of the day – so he just went with it.
Nicolas suddenly felt mysteriously afraid of being banished to the moon for a thousand years, but assumed it was the product of a particularly unhealthy breakfast.
After a few awkward moments in which Celestia had hidden the bag of bananas she’d been eating from and Nic had stood stoic trying to remember auditioning for such an out there role, the two of them came to the same conclusion. Nicolas Cage really should not be in Equestria.
Author's Note
Yeah this really isn't going to start making much more sense but i really will finish this!
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 1 - Friendship is Compulsory
----Chapter 1, Friendship is Compulsory-----
Nicolas bashfully tidied his leather jacket and began sheepishly backing away from Celestia. She scowled at Nicolas like anyone who has seen Vampire’s Kiss.
Celestia paused in thought.
The pony was brown all over with a significantly darker mane, blue irises and a large hourglass printed on its flank. It had a large burlap sack on its back. Nic was about to speak when the pony brought itself up to meet Nicolas’ gaze.
Nic felt despondent after so many ~~people~~ ponies failed to recognise him – so despondent in fact he failed to realise how far he had wandered out of Canterlot. Nicolas spun on the spot like a rapey ballerina; he was now in a dense deciduous forest.
Author's Note
'Rapey Ballerina' that is all.
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 3 - Twilight Sparkle
-----Chapter 3, Twilight Sparkle-----
Nic meandered through the crowds of the thatched village; it put him in mind of The Wicker Man again and he dwelled on that being a possible end to this Fanfic. Nicolas swaggered over to the area he’d been informed of.
The library was, in essence, a hollowed out tree. Nicolas couldn’t help but feel surprised that the tree didn’t smell of decay and by all accounts appeared to be alive. He found himself pleasantly enjoying the irony of filling a tree with paper. Nic ran a hand through his atrocious black hair and knocked on the door – a feat that would have been farcical if there wasn’t an impressively large and portentous candle in the way. Knocking on the door, Nicolas finally noticed that after punching through his shades he had percutaneously damaged his hand. The door swung open in front of Nic.
Out of the door came a purple horse – a sentence I’d interpret as strange in any other context.
Nic found that a door slamming in your face is somewhat disparaging.
Author's Note
It's short but fuck you!
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter The Fourth, Cage Number Two
----Chapter 4, Cage Number Two----
Nicolas wandered the back alleys of the town, they were the sort of place you’d find crime in any other town to this. His crestfallen walk was one of immense melancholy. The thought that someone would be unappreciative of such a comforting and paternal face made Nic’s stomach turn.
The second Cage, henceforth referred to as Jeremy, was wearing Nic’s iconic leather jacket and the hair/beard combo that Nicolas had worn in Conair. Jeremy, henceforth referred to as Mikhael Strumanov, dashed at Mr.Cage whom quickly leapt backward. Nicolas bent down, gripping a handful of gravel. Mikhael Strumanov, henceforth referred to as Katie, was met with a cloud of stone and dust, temporarily blinded he panicked. Nicolas burst from his squat and sped at the now bent-over Katie, henceforth referred to as Charlie, and punted his face strong.
Charlie, henceforth referred to as Francisco, pirouetted through the air like some sort of gravitationally challenged Beyblade ripped by a retarded six year old. Nicolas felt the need to deploy a catchphrase but could only think of,In Sixty Seconds .’ Nic put on his shattered sunglasses and walked away sexily.
Author's Note
Mmmm the plot thickens!
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 5 - The root of his problems
-----Chapter 5, Getting to the root of things---
Having realised he kinda needed that guy, Nicolas momentarily returned to the scene of the fight. He squatted over his counterpart, whose name has changed with such frequency that I have started to omit it. Nic was surprised to see it morph back to its original form. It was black and hole-ridden, like any dead body found in southern America prior to the abolishment of slavery. Nic picked up the unconscious creature which had imitated him and set off back toward the library.
Nic was unabated by his earlier rejection – no one in their right mind would turn down Nicolas Cage and an unconscious other in the middle of the night, and a magical horse was no exception to the rule.
Nicolas again approached the library, the creature under his arm let out a faint groan, a bit like the sound a cat makes if you drag it across glass paper. He knocked on the door of the tree with his free hand, making a teapot shape with his arms. The door began to open, and, using tactics learnt from countless evictions, Nic place his foot in the doorway. The unicorn on the other side of the door let out a sharp cry. Nicolas forced his arm through the gap in the doorway and threw the door open. Twilight’s horn glowed with angry fervency.
Her eyes leapt to the form under Mr.Cage’s arm.
Nicolas’ attention was suddenly usurped by a small purple dragon brushing against his leg, the sensation was equivalent to French bread being slowly dragged across ones face.
“Where did you find this?” Nicolas snapped back to reality, and pretended he had been listening. “It…uh, Attacked me when I was in the back alleys.” The unicorn nodded while scouring the shelves, searching for a pertinent book with an impressive urgency. Eventually the mare stopped and opened a dark blue, leather-bound book. On the face of the book was an emblazoned symbol, not quite a mare, not quite a bat. The symbol was all gold with the exception of the eyes, which were small blue gems. The pages inside the book were a frayed and bruised papyrus – like every page had been made of an unrolled scroll.
View Online
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 6 - The Monsters That Swim In Acheron
-----Chapter 6, The monsters which swim in Acheron----
Nicolas grabbed the book from where it had flown, clouded by an otherworldly magic. Twilight seemed somewhat frustrated by this avarice. Nic pulled open the books cover and beheld its titular page.
‘Creatures and Cultures of Equestria’
Nicolas turned the page with a satisfying flutter. He sped through the contents looking for this ‘Changeling’. Page 76. Nic turned around about halfway through the book, which had, rather unhelpfully, not labelled the page numbers. He stopped once greeted with a large Rembrandt-esque sketch of the creature that was now being tied up by the mare.
Author's Note
I know this is short but fuck me that last one was long.
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 7 - Introductions
----Chapter 7, Interim Of Introductions----
Mr.Cage awoke. He slowly brought himself upright and looked about. He had slept in the library last night because apparently he can just do that because he is Nicolas Cage. He put on the hat he had stolen from some farm in the night, and smiled pleased that he had managed to fulfil this promise to himself at least. He stood up, already dressed because Nicolas Cage is always prepared. He shuddered briefly remembering the night a man had broken into his house and stole his Fudgesicle.
Nicolas came downstairs, only to find a gathering of horses occupied the ground floor. There were six in total, four of which he had not previously acquainted himself with. There was the grumpy southern mare whose hat had mysteriously disappeared, Applejack. The mare with the horn from last night which he’d been told to find by Celestia, Twilight Sparkle. There was also an insufferably pink pony with balloons on her flank, whom was jumping on the spot like a kangaroo had been rammed up her ‘pinkie pie’, a rainbow coloured Pegasus – that was somehow remarkably ostentatiously colourful for a world of technicolour ponies. On the other side of the room was a particularly unnoticeable Pegasus, an unexpected oxymoron, which had become so unnoticeable that it was, in of itself, extremely noticeable. The final pony in the room was a unicorn, that, to herself at least, seemed well-dressed, again an impressive feat for a naked animal.
“Hey, I’m Nic Cage.” Nic Cage said with a mundanity so menial that it suited him. The room turned to face him. ‘It is an eerie thing to be surrounded by six racially diverse, individualistic yet cliché, technicolour ponies’, Nic thought as he descended the few remaining steps to reach a comfortable level.
“HI!” The uncomfortably pink pony launched itself at Nic, “IM PINKIE PIE!” It pretty much fucking yelled at Mr.Cage. Nic contemplated how he would measure the fucks he gave about the pony but was met with an unexpected revelation.
The next pony to introduce itself was the narcissistic rainbow over by the adjacent wall, not that there is an ‘adjacent’ wall, the room is circular. It zoomed over near him, a verb that was made apt by the sheer wind that was thrown at Nic post-dash. Nicolas reckoned he could guess the name of this pony.
The diamond-flanked pony decided she was being denied the spotlight she deserved, and, as such moved to introduce herself. She sauntered a few metres or so forward and struck a pose. Nicolas noticed more than a few eyes roll.
The final pony adopted a bashful stance and tilted he head downward as though examining the fine woodwork. Nicolas raised a sexy eyebrow, undoubtedly making several attractive women somewhere orgasm. The Pegasus let out a whimper.
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 8 - The Elements Of Harmony
------Chapter 8, Elements Of Harmony------
Nicolas approached the train to Canterlot in the way a spider might approach a giant web built by an octopus, pleased that it’s there but confused at why or how it was created. Nicolas boarded the train and tipped his hat elegantly as he did. He opted to sit with his ~~new pony friends~~ ~~kidnappers~~…. I mean, Nic sat alone. Away from the technicolour mammals so that he could think.
Author's Note
Short as per the norm....maybe i'll make shit go down next chapter. IDK i'm drunk.
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
---- Chapter 9, Elsewhere----
Sean Bean stared at the script, he was surprised. In the earlier draft he was eaten by alligators but in this rewrite he was put in prison.
But wherever Sean had looked, Nic was no longer. Bean was about to erupt into panic, when the strangest thing occurred – he heard a voice, John de Lancie’s.is out at the moment, do you have a message for him? ” his laughter broke his rhetoric and inflamed Sean. Bean turned to face the shadow only to find two yellow eyes immediately before his near point, their red irises were eternally dancing in size and direction.
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 10 - Shit Goes Into Overdrive
----Chapter Ten, Shit Goes Into Overdrive----
Nicolas woke up and threw his eyes wide open, only to be blinded by the bright sun. Much like the chastisement of an overly keen petunia entering photosynthesis, only to be burned by napalm dropped by the Swedish in their long fight against plantlife. Nicolas blinked thrice like a suicidal epileptic, and stood up. A note had been pinned to his leather jacket. (I won’t dwell on pony anatomy but this bit was a bit of a stretch)
He unpinned the note and looked blankly at it. Of course he did, it’s Nicolas Cage. It looked to have been draw in crayon by a thirty seven year old Frenchman living in his mums house in Dorset, whose mental state was more than questionable and his selection of colours ill-advised. Nicolas studied the note, carefully picking out the coherent words and using context to work out the rest. ‘You are asleep, we’re off to get elements.’ Nicolas screwed up the note and threw it over his shoulder. He sighed and looked around for something to do, ultimately settling on tying his shoelaces.
When Nicolas was satisfied that his shoes had been properly tied, he stood up. The first thing he noticed was that Canterlot was significantly more ‘flamey’ than he remembered, but then again that Princess Celestia did seem a bit ‘off’, the kind of ‘off’ that means will do a school shooting. The second thing he noticed was that he was quickly being surrounded by Nicolas Cage. It occurred to Nic that this was somewhat unusual.
The Nicolas Cage from The Wicker Man walked from the crowd and slowly drew his gun.
“This is murder, you’ll all be guilty and you’re doing it for nothing.” He calmly announced.
Randall ‘Memphis’ Raines high-fived Eddie from Deadfall and they both let out batshit screams; Nicolas let out the loudest scream of any of his films, the Ghost Rider transformation sequence. Nicolas Cage is a method actor and that is why he was able to call upon the spirit of the Ghost Rider in this moment of turmoil. His flaming chains tore through the remaining changelings like Clingfilm – it is unknown what Eva Mendes felt about this. Nicolas through the chain around his torso as the flames left him. He strode towards the castle where the ponies, elements and changelings would be.
Author's Note
There are alot of film references here...
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 11 - Moment Of Truth
----Chapter Eleven, Moment Of Truth----
Nicolas stood in before the interior steps of Canterlot castle. There were decorative stain glass windows featuring the Sun & Moon. Suddenly Nicolas slid down the bannister toward himself.
Nicolas took a step back. He couldn’t deny the gratification he felt at Chrysalis’ words. Nicolas stared at the changeling queen.caught them. They were trying to steal the Elements Of Harmony from us!” She laughed maniacally as she shook the Element Of Harmony in front of Nicolas. Some changelings stood restraining the mane six behind Nicolas in the doorway. Nic raised his head from where it had been sulking.
“You can kidnap my….friends , you can take the Elements Of Harmony...” Nicolas clenched his fists, “BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR LOVE!” The elements began to glow furiously and burnt Chrysalis, who dropped them at Nic’s feet. The ponies all gawked & gasped.
Nicolas Cage rose majestically into the air, the Elements Of Harmony orbited him with a supernatural obligation. Nic opened his eyes so wide that white light poured from his irises, and emanated across his whole body. Chrysalis allowed herself a scream. Large angelic wings sprung from Nicolas and he outstretched his hands.
But then…
The air grew thick and tore itself around, convulsing and screeching. In the air where Nicolas had flown Sean Bean now appeared. He descended into the outstretched hands of Nicolas Cage’s statue. And with the hug of admiration that transcended worlds Nicolas Cage and Sean Bean were returned to the set of National Treasure. They looked at one another and then the world around them. They were pleased.
Author's Note
The End.
Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory
Chapter 2 - A forest that is always free
-----Chapter 2, a forest that is always free-----
Nicolas shrugged in a way he might’ve actually believed to be sexy. Too many times had he found himself in this position to be worried. The sun may have risen by now but was completely obscured by the canopy above him. Just as he was about to sigh, Nic heard a distant growl.
Behind him was a small mare that wore a hat that put Nicolas in mind of the one he wore in an early scene of Ghost Rider.
Author's Note
Plot thickens next time...
