The Cunt Punt

by Jiopop

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Scootaloo, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Sex
Length: 5731

This story can't really be described...

This story can't really be described...

Published 2012-02-11 22:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-04 04:23:33 UTC

Chapter 1

Pinkie Pie hopped through the beautiful meadow just outside of Ponyville. It couldn’t have been a more lovely day. The sun was shining its comforting rays down in a vast cloudless sky, the birds were singing sweet melodies throughout the countryside, and the soft grass swayed in the light breeze.

“This is paradise!” Pinkie Pie laughed. She thought she was alone speaking to herself, but she was wrong.

In the dark and dreary Everfree Forest, only a few hundred feet away from the meadow, lurked a shadowy figure. It watched Pinkie Pie’s every move like a predator. Its eyes glowing red in the darkness, red like the fires of hell itself.

Suddenly Pinkie Pie began twitching. A random synchronized series of convulsions ensued. When it was over, after only a few seconds, Pinkie Pie stood there shaking. For some reason her Pinkie sense was acting up.

But she had never had a premonition like this before. She had absolutely no clue what it meant. She felt fear slowly rising in her heart because she did know that the prediction was something bad. No, something horrific.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw what appeared to be two rubies hovering in the forrest. She jumped back and looked at them. What were they?

The rubies began to move forward. Pinkie Pie then realized that the red orbs were in fact eyes connected to a figure which slowly walked out of the forest. The figure was none other than Scootaloo.

“Scootaloo?” Pinkie Pie said. “Wh-what are you doing out here? And why are your eyes glowing red like the fires of hell itself?”

Scootaloo began muttering in an unknown language, but her voice sounded much deeper than usual. In fact it sounded demonic.

“Scootaloo, you’re scaring me.” Pinkie Pie said taking a few steps backward. She glanced behind her at Ponyville ready to make a run for it at a moments notice. She turned back to Scootaloo but the orange pegasus was nowhere to be seen, as if she had vanished into thin air.

Pinkie Pie stood there frozen. She was breathing so heavily that she was on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Heus meretrix. Ego te de stercore percutere.” came Scootaloo’s demonic voice from behind her.

“Scootaloo, when did you learn Latin?” Pinkie Pie asked turning around.

Before Pinkie Pie could completely turn around she felt Scootaloo’s hoof kick her cunt.

“Genitale calcitrant!” Scootaloo screamed ferociously as she continued to cunt punt Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie screamed and fell to the ground. She tried to get up but the orange pegasus filly’s strength was unnatural and she managed to keep Pinkie Pie debilitated while repeatedly kicking her pussy.

After about thirty seconds Scootaloo stopped cunt punting her and stepped back.

“O magnum foramen. Ostende nobis intra occulta tenebrarum!” she cried and with that Pinkie Pie felt a tingling sensation grow around her vagina.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

Pinkie Pie’s labia was beginning to expand rapidly. The flaps of skin surrounding her hoo-hoo strenched far beyond their limits until two blanket sized sheets of skin remained.

“Hey!” said Pinkie Pie. “What’s going on back there?”

“Veni, vidi, vici!” Scootaloo screamed and with that the pegasus filly jumped into Pinkie Pie’s expanded vagina.

“Hey that tickles!” Pinkie Pie laughed. Then she felt nothing.

She laid there for hours trying to figure out what the hay happened. Why would Scootaloo cunt punt her? Why was she speaking in Latin? Why did her beaver grow to the size of a small car? Then she felt a rumbling from deep within her bowels.

“Uh oh!” Pinkie Pie said. “This doesn’t feel good.”

Her overgrown labia then quickly shrunk, retracting back into its original place, but in contrast her anus began to expand until it was the size of uranus (tee hee hee (but seriously it was pretty big)).

Without warning she took a massive shit. It was the biggest thing that had ever exited her butthole besides Big Macintosh’s one eyed snake. When she was finished her asshole returned to normal size.

“That was strange.” Pinkie Pie said. She got up and turned around. “By Celestia’s muff!” she swore as she saw what she had shat out.

Standing in front of her was a crowd of random people and the statue of liberty.

“What the buck?” she said looking at the strange scene. “Where did all of you come from?”

One of the people stepped forward, it was none other than that little butthole Justin Beiber. “We come in peace.” the Beibs said. “We have come here to deliver the Statue of Liberty as a token of our planet’s submission to Scootaloo.”

“But Scootaloo isn’t here.” Pinkie Pie said. “She crawled up my sloppy joe and never came out.”

“But this is the portal is it not?” Said another voice.

Pinkie Pie looked to see the voice came from Charlie Sheen.

“Charlie Sheen.” said Pinkie with a bow. “It is an honor to meet you.”

“Winning.” said Sheen cooly. “But really this was the portal that Scootaloo used to enter our world, this is the only place she could have gone!”

Just then a meteor came out of the sky and smashed directly into the Statue of Liberty. The explosion threw everyone backwards and the debris rained down upon the crowd of people, killing most of them. Pinkie Pie even saw one of the members of the crowd, Peyton Manning, get squashed by a large chunk of the flame.

“Well that was random!” Pinkie Pie said.

“No it wasn’t.” Charlie Sheen observed. “Look.”

Out from the rubble climbed Goku. “Hey guys!” he said smiling.

“Goku, what have you done!” screamed Justin Beiber.

“Oh I must have got carried away!” Goku laughed. “Oh well see you guys!” He turned Super Saiyan and flew away.

“You’re right.” said Charlie Sheen. “That was random.”

“Well now what?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Now we need to find Scootaloo.” said Stephen Hawking in his computer voice. He also apparently was a member of the crowd.

“Why do you people want to find Scootaloo so bad?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“You mean you don’t know?” said Justin Beiber. He began to cry.

“What a little bitch.” said Charlie Sheen. “I’ll tell you what happened. It was a normal day on Planet Earth, but then a wormhole opened up above the Arctic Circle and Lord Scootaloo emerged. She destroyed our cities one by one, killing millions of innocent people. One day we asked her what it was that she wanted and she told us... The Statue of Liberty and everyone here to be transported to her world. So we used the ancient scrolls of Tipenyate to summon Chuck Norris. He lifted the Statue and threw it into the wormhole along with all of us. But now many of the chosen are dead...”

“Oh shit.” said the author of this fanfic. “I’m going to have to write more of this story aren’t I...”

Chapter 2

“So who’s still alive?” Charlie Sheen shouted. “There were twenty of us to begin with.”

“I’m alive baby!” Justin Bieber screamed like an annoying twelve year old girl.

“My sentient being appears to be intact.” said Stephen Hawking.

“Yo dawg I’m still alive G.” said another survivor Kanye West. “Yo I was all like DAAAAAM when that shit was all like BOOOOOSH! Nawmeen?”

“No Kanye we don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” Charlie Sheen said.

“Wastin’ away again in Equestria.” sang Jimmy Buffet. “Searchin’ for a Scoota la loo.”

“Shut the fuck up Jimmy Buffet.” demanded Stephen Hawking.

“Some people claim that there a ponnny to blame. But I know...”

Kanye West walked up to Jimmy Buffet, pulled out a gun, and shot him in the foot.

“Yo that shit cray!” He laughed. “Yo Jimmy Buffet yo music trife dawg!”

“P-pony burger in paradise.” Jimmy Buffet began to sing while crying over his wounded foot.

Kanye West shot Jimmy Buffet in the head. It exploded into a million bloody pieces. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM SON!!!” the rapper laughed.

“But Kanye he was one of the chosen!” Charlie Sheen objected.

“Is that everyone left then?” asked Justin Bieber. “Me, Charlie Sheen, Stephen Hawking, and Kanye West?”

“Who were the rest of the dead people?” asked Pinkie Pie looking at the bodies spread across the destroyed Statue of Liberty.

“Well let’s see.” Charlie Sheen began. “Besides the four of us and Jimmy Buffet there was Adrien Brody, Pope Benedict XVI, Mark Zuckerberg, John C. Reilly, Peyton Manning, Queen Elizabeth, and eight random Chinese people.”

“So what do we do now?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Man I be thinkin,” Kanye West began. “That yous is like a pony and shit, and like you can talks and shit. So like what if we ride yous all da way back to Earth dawg? Fo shizzle?”

“OH GOD OH GOD!” screamed Charlie Sheen. “OH SHIT!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“I think I’m gonna be...” Charlie Sheen threw up.

“Are you okay?” asked Justin Bieber. “Do you want me to jerk you off?”

“There’s something wrong with me!” Charlie Sheen screamed. “But what the fuck could be wrong with me? I have tiger blood man!”

Charlie Sheen then puked up a small puppy. The little dog wagged his tail happily and licked up the puddle of vomit.

“Awww it be a lil dawg yo!” Kanye giggled.

The puppy then ran away into the Everfree Forest.

“What the fuck author!?” Charlie Sheen screamed raising his fist at the sky. “What the fuck did that have to do with anything!?”

A beam of light shone down upon the group. “I did it for the lulz.” said a deep sexy voice coming from within the beam. The light then dissipated.

“Who was that?” asked Justin Bieber. “He sounded so... So cool!”

“He must have been an incredibly smart and sexy individual.” said Stephen Hawking.

“Hey everypony, I think I should take you all to Ponyville to meet my friends!” suggested Pinkie Pie.

“Fuck dat shit.” said Kanye. “Unless you be havins sum pony strippers in dat town den I don’t wanna be goin. Nawmeen?”

“Well um...” began Pinkie Pie. “We don’t wear any clothes actually.”

“Okay dawg I’m down then.”

“Me too.” said Charlie Sheen.

“Do they have nakey boy ponies too?” asked Justin Bieber.

Pinkie Pie nodded.

“Count me in then!” the Biebs said excitedly.

“I am not down.” Stephen Hawking said. “My penis does not operate.”

“Yo old man no one be givin a fuck.” said Kanye. “Ya’ll like sum dumb paraplegic dope dealer or sum shit, I don’t even know dawg.”

“If I could give you the middle finger then I would.” Stephen Hawking muttered.

So the four strange people and Pinkie Pie made their way back to Ponyville. When they got there they found all the houses mysteriously destroyed, many of which were still engulfed in flames.

Twilight Sparkle walked from out of the wreckage smiling. “Hi Pinkie Pie!” she said merrily.

“Hiya Twilight?” Pinkie Pie said. “Gee what happened to Ponyville when I was gone?”

“Oh this?” Twilight laughed. “Nothing really, Discord just thought it would be funny to fuck up our whole town again. So what’s up?”

“Well as a matter of fact alot!” Pinkie Pie answered. “First Scootaloo turned demonic and cunt punted me, then she climbed into my baby maker, after which these guys here climbed out of my poop chute, then Goku killed about fifteen people and destroyed the Statue of Liberty, after that Kanye West shot Jimmy Buffet, and now we’re here to figure out how to stop Scootaloo who is apparently a one pony army who single hoofedly destroyed most of Earth’s population.”

“Cool!” Twilight exclaimed. “Sound like an adventure!”

“Wait up dawg!” Kanye interrupted. “I thots we was like here to be havin an orgy and shit.”

“Well we can discuss how to destroy Scootaloo and fuck the living shit out each at the same time can’t we?” said Twilight. “Here hop on!” she presented her marehood to the rapper.

“Aight.” said Kanye who immediately jumped on accepting the invitation. “Yo!” he said. “Dis pony pussy be stanky as shit.”

“So anyway apparently my dick holster was a portal to an alternate universe.” said Pinkie Pie.

“Damn straight,” laughed Charlie Sheen. “and a portal for pleasure pole.” he pulled down his pants and began to fuck Pinkie Pie.

“So how exactly did this... ugh... portal open?” asked Twilight.

“Well... oh yeah... Scootaloo cunt punted me and it just kinda grew I guess... Ooh...” Pinkie Pie explained.

“And do they... Oh yeah baby! Have any idea where Scootaloo is now?”

“Not... FUCK YES!!! That I know of.”

“Well maybe... Aww yeah... We should try to reopen the portal.”

“I thought you said there were nakey boy ponies here.” complained Justin Bieber.

“Fuck you kid.” said Stephen Hawking. “And fuck you Kanye and Charlie, can’t you see the equines are trying to converse about important matters?”

“Yo can like peoples knock up ponies?” asked Kanye. “I don’ts wanna be payin’ child support for sum skank’s pony baby.”

Charlie Sheen dumped a load of cocaine on Pinkie Pie’s back and snorted it. Then he pulled out a blunt, lit it, and started to smoke it as he fucked the pink mare. “Holy shit man, this is fucking ridiculous.” he said. “What the fuck is going on.”

“It’s decided then.” Twilight said breathing heavily. “We’ll try to reopen the portal when these two are finished.”

Justin Bieber began to cry. “All I want is a nakey boy pony!”

Ten minutes later the actor and rapper were finished with the mares, Justin Bieber was still crying, and Stephen Hawking was wishing he could walk.

“Holy shit.” said Charlie Sheen as he munched on some shrooms while smoking a bowl of meth. “I never noticed how beautiful the sound of my beating heart is. It’s like... It’s like Pocahontas is in there pounding on Native American drums. And... And I’m the drum!”

“Yo nigga, dat shit cray.” Kanye said.

“So how exactly did Scootaloo cunt punt you?” Twilight asked Pinkie Pie. “Did she say any kind of enchantment?”

“Actually she was speaking in Latin.” Pinkie Pie explained.

“Okay I’ll try to say some Latin enchantments while cunt punting you then. Maybe that will open the portal.” Twilight then cunt punted Pinkie Pie. “Placere aperire porta. Me in irrumabo in asinum!”

Nothing happened.

“Well I’m all out of ideas.” said Twilight.

“Me too.” said Pinkie Pie.

“Yo maybe we can like... Cunt punt Justin Bieber an a portal will open up and shit!” said Kanye.

“But I’m a boy silly.” said Justin Bieber. “I don’t have a va... vagina. I have very long wee wee!”

Kanye West laughed. “You not foolin’ anyone.”

“Has anyone ever noticed the sky is like... Always above us... It’s like our protector...” said Charlie Sheen. His pupils were about the size of quarters.

“Perhaps if we can enter a worm hole traveling at the speed of light then we can travel back to Earth.” suggested Stephen Hawking. “But the other end would need to be in that dimension.”

“Of course!” said Twilight. “I’ll use my magic to make such a wormhole!”

Just then Derpy Hooves flew out of the sky and landed directly in Pinkie Pie’s snatch.

“What the hay!” screamed Pinkie.

“Hey I has found portal!” Derpy said from inside Pinkie’s muff salad. “O magnum foramen. Ostende nobis intra occulta tenebrarum!”

Pinkie Pie’s sheath began to expand again revealing the portal to Earth.

“Derpy you did it!” Twilight shouted. “I didn’t know you could speak Latin.”

“Muffins!” Derpy yelled as she flew off into the horizon.

“Now it’s time...” said Twilight. “To go inside Pinkie Pie’s pink pie.”

Chapter 3

“But wait guys I want to go too!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “But, how am I supposed to go inside my own meat curtains?”

Twilight thought for a moment. “I only see one solution.” she said. “We have to separate you from your cooch.”

“What!” Pinkie Pie gasped. “That sounds like it would hurt!”

“Yo ya’ll could like... Like twist yo head up yo pussy n shit.” added Kanye.

“Awww cmon Pinkie! It wouldn’t be that bad!” Twilight begged. “We just need split you and your va-jay-jay, that’s all.”

“Well how would we do it?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“You know... With like a chainsaw or something...” Twilight said.

“Guys!” screamed Charlie Sheen. “I have the best idea ever!”

“What is it Charlie Sheen?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Alright you have to follow with me on this! So you all are ponies right?”

“Right.”

“And we’re all humans right?”

“Right.”

“And some humans are from Mexico right?”

“Right.”

“And some of those humans are illegal immigrants right?”

“Right.”

“And some of those illegal immigrants smuggle cocaine into the United states right?”

“Right.”

“And most of that smuggled cocaine goes up my nose right?”

“Right.”

“Alright. So what if we somehow get all the cocaine out of my nose, then we can sell it back to the Mexican smugglers. Then I can buy it again! It’s like recycling!” Charlie Sheen began to jump up and down. “WINNING WINNING WINNING! The Sheenster is gonna WIN a nobel peace prize for this!”

“Anyway.” said Twilight. “Let’s get on with it.” The purple mare used her magic to summon a rusty chainsaw.

“Oh all right...” Pinkie Pie sighed. “Let’s just get it over with...”

Just then out of nowhere Harry Potter flew in on his broom stick and crashed straight into the ground.

“Oh my Celestia!” screamed Pinkie Pie.

“He looks yummy!” Justin Bieber squealed.

Harry Potter got up and brushed the dirt off his robes. “Bloody hell!” he growled.

“Where did you come from?” asked Stephen Hawking. “None of this is logical.”

Harry Potter got all up in Stephen Hawking’s face. “Yo bitch I’m Harry motherfucking Potter, I don’t need to listen to yo ass.”

“I say good sir!” Kayne West said in a British accent. “I do believe that I am the ghetto gangster in this fanfic.”

“Oh yeah sorry.” said Harry Potter. “Oh and I really have no explanation for how I got here, just another random coincidence. Now let’s make this even more random and try a spell out on you shall we?” He took out his wand and pointed it at Stephen Hawking. “Gluteus Maximus!”

Stephen Hawking’s buttcheeks began to expand into to two enormous fleshy bubbles. They grew so big that his chair was crushed by them. “What the fuck is going on?” he screamed in his derpy Microsoft Sam voice.

“Wait how are you still talking?” asked Twilight. “Your text to speech just broke along with your chair!”

“This fanfic is illogical!” screamed Hawking as his posterior continued to enlarge. He started to float upward like a balloon.

“Wicked spell Harry!” said Ron Weasley.

“Where the fuck did you come from?” asked Harry Potter.

“Oh I dunno... Well see you then Harry!” Ron vanished.

Stephen Hawking continued to rise into the sky until he was in outer space. He saw the beauty of the universe and marveled at its magnificence. A conveniently placed black hole then sucked him up and he became one with the universe, one with space and time. “I am everything and I am nothing!” he shouted as his body was collapsed into the darkness. “I am the essence of existence! I am the universe!” The whole universe then began to shake violently.

“What is going on?” screamed Pinkie Pie as Equestria was being torn apart piece by piece.

“I am the universe!” Stephen Hawkin’s voice sounded throughout the land. “I am everything!”

“It’s the apocalypse man!” shouted Charlie Sheen. “Holy shit I’m tripping balls!”

“Yo I don’t want no part of dis rapture shit dawg.” said Kanye West. “I bout to go supa Kanye!”

“Oh no!” screamed Justin Bieber. “Anything but Super Kanye!”

The rappers eyes flared up and he pulled out a microphone from his pocket. “Yo Stephen! I’m really happy fo you, Ima let you finish, but I ain’t gonna let you destroy the universe dawg. Beyonce had one of the best music video’s of all time! Of all time!”

“What can a puny mortal like you possibly do to me?” Stephen Hawking’s voice boomed.

“Yo N-n-now that dat dat don’t kill me. Can only make me stronger. I need you to hurry up now. Cuz I can’t wait much longer.” Kanye rapped. “No one man should have all dat power!”

“No!” screamed Stephen Hawking. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Ball so hard mothafuckas wanna fine me. That shit cray, that shit cray, that shit cray.”

“No make it stop!” screamed Stephen Hawking. “I’ll do anything you want, just make it stop!”

“Yo if you stop destroyin shit and make it so this pink bitch can go to Earth wit us then I’ll stop homey g frizel stick.”

“Okay, okay!” cried Stephen Hawking. “I’ll do it just please stop rapping, for the love of Celestia, stop rapping!”

“Aight.”

The universe stopped trembling and Pinkie Pie felt a tingling sensation. She then detached from her enormous gaping vagina. “Hey!” she said observing that her cunt still remained a portal. “Look my sideways taco isn’t attached to me anymore, and the portal is still open!”

“Well let’s go in!” laughed Harry Potter.

“Yeah I can’t wait to go back and make out with the Jonas Brothers again!” squealed Justin Bieber.

“Yeah let’s go back?” Charlie Sheen said wide eyed. “I need to get four pounds of meth, six bags of cocaine, twelve loaded heroin needles, about a hundred hints of ecstasy, and a shit load of shrooms, PCP, Vicodin, acid, and weed.”

“Yo dawg I down to go.” said Kanye.

“Let’s do it!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Horray!” Pinkie Pie squee’d.

The six of them then entered Pinkie Pie’s cunt.

Chapter 4

“Party in my pussy! Party in my pussy!” Pinkie Pie laughed.

“Are we here?” asked Twilight. “Is this shit hole Earth?”

The other side of the portal was a desolate and barren wasteland. The scorched ground was littered with the skeletons of unknown individuals. It looked exactly like Rosie O’Donnell’s crotch.

“Yea yea dawg, dis is Earth.” said Kanye. “That bitch ass skank Scootafuck did all dis shit.”

Charlie Sheen then dropped his pants and began to take a giant dump. Justin Bieber watched excitedly.

“Bloody Hell Charlie! What do you think you’re doing?” asked Harry Potter.

“Taking a dookie.” Charlie answered. “OH GOD OH FUCK NOT AGAIN!!” He then shat out Nyan Cat.

“Yo drizzle, it be dat lil annoying poptart cat!” Kanye screamed. He pulled out his gun and tried to shoot the cat.

“Expecto Patronum!” Harry yelled waving his wand at the cat. A semen like substance splooged out the end of the wand and hit the stupid cat thing in the face.

“Wait!” Twilight shouted. “Why are we attacking it? Maybe it’s a sign from the author! Maybe Nyan Cat can help us!”

Nyan Cat exploded into little microscopic Pillsbury Doughboy’s. The tiny little white people then dug holes in the ground and buried themselves in.

“Or maybe the author is just being a giant random prick.” said Charlie. “Seriously why don’t you make Justin Bieber shit out a fucking barbed wire fence or something?”

An orb of light descended from the sky and hovered above the six characters. “That actually isn’t a bad idea.” a voice from within said. “But he’s needed in your quest.”

“Why the fuck do we need him?” asked Harry Potter.

“I’m just kidding lol.” said the voice. “You don’t need that little pussy.”

“Yes you do!” Justin Bieber cried. “You need me, I’m important! I can... I can... I can do stuff!”

“Yo bitch shut da fuck up!” Kanye threatened pointing his gun at the Biebs. “Mothafucka, I bout to shoot yo annoying lil baby singin ass.”

“Hold on!” the voice from the orb said. “There is more lulz if I do this.”

Justin Bieber began screaming. “WHAT’S GOING ON!?!!” he cried collapsing to the ground.

“You’re such a great guy author.” Charlie Sheen said happily. “You took my suggestion didn’t you?”

“Trolololol!” said the orb.

Justin Bieber began to spit out blood. “WHY DOES MY BUM BUM HURT?!?!!?” he screamed in agony. Then he farted loudly and two hundred feet of barbed wire shot out of his asshole. Everyone/pony began to cheer and applaud.

“But I... I didn’t even get to see a nakey boy pony...” Justin Bieber whimpered. He died and the group laughed.

“Great show author! Great show!” Harry Potter cheered.

The orb rose into the heavens and out of sight.

“Now we can start looking for Scootaloo!” Pinkie Pie said. “Does anypony have any idea where she could be?”

“Well...” began Kanye. “If dat bitch be here den she probly be at her crib yo.”

“We all actually thought she went back to Equestria, but she must’ve stayed here.” Charlie Sheen said. “Boy she’s not going to be happy when she finds out the Statue of Liberty is destroyed and more than half of the chosen are dead.”

“Well where’s her crib yo?” asked Twilight.

Kanye pointed at a shiny gold speck in the distance. “Yo dat be Lord Scootaloo’s palace dawg. Right where KFC used to be. Nawmeen?”

“I have a plan!” Harry Potter shouted.

“What is it Harry?” asked Pinkie Pie. “It doesn’t involve cunt punting me does it?”

“Yo you don’t even be havin a poontang anymore bitch.” Kanye laughed.

“Oh yeah...” Pinkie Pie remembered.

“Okay listen up guys.” Harry said. “We have to summon... Him...”

Kanye and Charlie Sheen began to whisper to each other.

“Who’s him?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“You don’t know!” screamed Harry Potter appalled. “Only the most powerful being in the universe! He’s even more powerful than demigod Chuck Norris himself!”

“Who could be more powerful than Chuck Norris.” asked Twilight.

“He can only be summoned when five little douchebags put their gay little rings together.” said Charlie Sheen.

“Wait do you mean!” Pinkie Pie gasped.

“Yes...” Harry Potter said. “The mullet man himself... Captain Planet.”

“I thought he was a myth!” Twilight exclaimed. “This changes everything!”

“Yo dawg.” said Kanye. “But hows we like gonna get dem lil queefnuggets and they gay ass rings?”

“I’m a wizard stupid.” Harry scolded. “I can like summon them. Here watch.” he pointed his wand at the sky. “Jizzboneus Fagosa!”

All five planeteers popped out of the sky and fell to their deaths.

Harry Potter laughed. “That was kind of funny. Let’s go get their rings and summon Captain Planet!”

Chapter 5

Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Kanye, Harry Potter, and Charlie Sheen ran up to the dead planeteers.

“How do we get the rings off their fingers?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Are you fucking stupid Pinkie, you just pull them off.” Twilight scolded.

“No she has a point.” Charlie Sheen said. “There’s no fun in just pulling them off.” He walked up to the fire planeteer guy, bit off his finger, and spat out the bloody ring into his hand. “Guess who I learned that shit from?” Charlie asked with a laugh.

“SMEAGOL!!!” shouted a raspy voice from behind the group.

“Yeah that’s right!” Charlie said surprised. “But who said that?”

“My precious!” said the voice again.

Everybody/pony turned around to see Smeagol behind them. He was holding a dead fish in his hand and slapping it on the ground.

“Little fishes is tasty precious!” he laughed and the bludgeoned the ground with the fish again.

“Da fuck is dis shit?” Kanye asked. He pulled his gun out and pointed it at Smeagol. “Yo ya’ll be like some crazy ass troll muthafucka I don’t even know. Ima shoot yo wrinkly bitch ass!”

“Wait no!” shouted a gay sounding voice. Everyone/pony looked in the direction of the voice to see Frodo.

“Seriously.” Charlie Sheen growled. “Where the fuck are these people coming from.”

“You can’t kill him!” Frodo cried. “Oh Sam! I should have never doubted you!”

“What are you talking about?” Twilight asked.

“Don’t kill Smeagol!” Frodo shouted again. He took off his pants and began jerking off. “Oh Sam! Save me Sam!”

Kanye had enough of this. He pointed his gun at Frodo and shot him in the dick. “Yo stop jerkin off bitch. You stupid hairy footed cracka ass be trife dawg.”

Frodo looked up at Kanye and laughed. His eyes began to turn red. His muscles began to pulse and expand unnaturally. His dick grew back.

“Wait a second!” Pinkie Pie said in horror. “I know those eyes! It’s Scootaloo!”

ScootaFrodo laughed. “Puny mortals! This is only my first and weakest form! I know what you did to the statue of liberty! It is unforgivable! Now bow at my knees and suck upon my hobbit cock. You are all now my pleasure slaves. Oh except you Pinkie Pie you don’t have a pussy anymore.”

“I still have a mouth though!” Pinkie Pie reminded. “And a poop chute!”

“Oh yeah...” ScootaFrodo said. “Well okay stop just standing there and suck my massive schlong!”

“Wait so what the fuck is Smeagol here for?” Harry Potter asked.

“Oh.” said ScootaFrodo. “I don’t real know... Fuck it just suck upon my unholy trouser snake!”

“NEVER!” Screamed Twilight. “We are going to stop you reign of tyranny!”

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha.” ScootaFrodo laughed. “What could you five and Smeagol possibly do to me?”

Kanye shot Smeagol in the face ending his miserable life. “Yo it just be us five. Dat Smeagol be dead now. Nawmeen?”

“We are in control of a power unlike that which you have never seen before!” Harry Potter yelled.

“Fools! The only two worthy foes I’ve had were Chuck Norris and Gary Motherfucking Oak! I disemboweled Gary and ate his flesh and imprisoned Chuck Norris in frozen splooge. None can defeat me!”

“Quick get the rest of the rings!” Charlie Sheen commanded.

Twilight ran over to the wind bitch, bit her finger off, and clenched the ring in between her teeth. Pinkie Pie retrieved the African guy’s earth ring, Harry Potter got the water ring, leaving Kanye West stuck with the heart ring lol.

“Yo dis be some bullshit!” Kanye said angrily looking at the ring. “Yo heart ain’t even be a fuckin element!”

“Alright guys let’s summon him!” Charlie Sheen said pointing his ring to the sky.

“How the hay do we do that?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“I’ll just stand here conveniently and let you guys figure that out while I’ll pump my mushroom.” ScootaFrodo said.

“Okay we have to say the names of the rings in order. It’s goes earth, fire, wind, water, and heart.” Harry Potter explained.

Pinkie Pie raised her ring to the sky. “Let our powers combine! Earth!”

“Fire!” shouted Charlie Sheen.

“Wind!” Twilight continued.

“Water!” Harry yelled.

“Yo heart.” Kanye said unenthusiastically.

Beams shot out of their rings and collided in the sky. “By your powers combined! I am Captain Planet!”

“What!” screamed ScootaFrodo. “Not Captain Planet! I thought he was only a myth!”

“Look bitch,” Captain Planet began. “You’re destroying my Earth. I don’t take kindly to half pony half hobbits that destroy my Earth.” He flew over to ScootaFrodo and punched him in the face.

ScootaFrodo flew over. “Time to show my second form!” he cried. His body began to change from Frodo into some kind of strange blob. The blob condensed and then exploded revealing Scootaloo’s second form, epic sax guy.

“You can’t defeat me!” ScootaSax exclaimed. “He began playing the saxophone and humping the air.

“No!” screamed Captain Planet. “It’s too epic!”

Everyone/pony else started to dance uncontrollably. “Quick Captain Planet!” Twilight cried. “You have to do something.”

“You’re right!” Captain Planet agreed. “For mother nature!” he pulled out a chain-gun from his pocked at shot ScootaSax with a barrage of bullets.

“No!” ScootaSax screamed. “Now it’s time for my last and final form!”

ScootaSax again turned into Scootablob which exploded revealing the pure form of Scootaloo. The demonic orange Pegasus filly began to chant in Latin. “Ego comedent penis de impia sexualem cupientibus, qui est creator meus Rebbeca nigri!”

Scootaloo shot a beam out of her eyes which hit Captain Planet full force in the testicles.

“Gah!” he screamed writhing in pain and clutching his two best friends. “That’s a dirty trick.”

“Yo Captain Planet my nigga, catch!” Kanye threw his gun to Captain Planet who caught it.

“I know what it is I must do...” Captain planet said softly. He flew full force into Scootaloo’s anal cavity and began shooting the pistol. Scootaloo screamed in pain.

“What’s he doing?” Pinkie Pie cried.

“Yo he be destroyin the source dawg.” Kanye said. “There be like sum evil shit in there so he be puttin a cap in her ass, like literally dawg.”

“No!” Scootaloo screamed. “My power! It’s fading!” she then exploded into a million bloody pieces taking out Captain Planet with her.

The five companions stood there for a long moment. It was over. Scootaloo had finally been defeated.

“Let us not forget what happened on this day.” Harry Potter said. “Let us not forget the sacrifice Captain Planet made for us all.”

Everyone/pony began to cry except Kanye who giggled.

“So what now?” Twilight asked. “How do we go on?”

“How about we throw a party!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

“With tons of cocaine!” Charlie said excitedly.

“And pony hoes!” Kanye inputed.

“Hell yeah!” Harry said.

So the friends walked back through the portal to Ponyville where they threw the grandest party ever seen. Everypony in Equestria came. Skrillex showed up and played the best concert/rave anyone/pony had ever seen. Charlie Sheen got his hands on an assortment of new psychoactive drugs found only in Equestria, Harry Potter showed the Pegasi how to play Quidditch, Kanye fucked all the pony bitches, Twilight got molested by Celestia (although she enjoyed it of course). One pony, however, sat alone near the Everfree forest.

Pinkie Pie looked at her vagina which was still a giant portal to Earth. She was sad that it wasn’t attached to her anymore, but she realized if Scootaloo never cunt punted her then she would have never met her new amazing friends on her adventure.

Then she realized that she still had a mouth and a poop chute. She smiled and returned to the party which quickly became an orgy. In others words: AND THEY ALL FUCKED THE END.