Even If It Kills Me

I stared listlessly at my bedroom ceiling, wishing the walls supporting it would fall backwards into the street below and rooms around mine. With its support gone, the ceiling would fall onto me. The cold numbness would soon follow the pain of old painted wood crushing me with gravity at its side, in the end leaving nothing but the sounds of cracking bone and gasps of breathe leaving me and blood filling my lungs.

"Brawn."

I turn over in my bed, looking at the figure in the door way. My mother stood with a worried expression.

"I'm off to bed." She said. "Are you feeling any better?"

I turned back to the ceiling, closing my eyes. "...No. No, not really." I wave her over as I pull open my laptop. "And here's why."

I see her in the near darkness walk over to my bed side and look into the bright screen, and then sighing. Before her was my desktop, a young mare staring in a mirror wearing nothing but an old white t-shirt. Her mane was dark red and hung in her face, her twice pierced lips fixed into a grin with her pierced tongue snaking its way between.

"It hurts everytime I look." I say, sighing.

"Well, stop!" My mom tells me, picking the computer up and placing it on my desk. "There's still hope, Brawn. You have to think positive, good things will come out of this one way or another in time."

I blew a raspberry as she made her way to the door. "Count down to heart break."

"Goodnight." She says with a chuckle, just before closing the bedroom door and leaving me in the cold silence of my room. I let out a groan and cover my eyes with a hoof, shaking my head as the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my chest returning to wreak its havoc on my tired form.

When suddenly, my laptop beeped. I sighed knowing full well what it meant, it being the Facebuck notification sound. Grabbing the laptop in my magic and placing it back on my chair, I open the hidden browser to see a familiar icon smile seductively at me.

**JillberrySicka:* u goin to bed anytime soon?~*

I sighed, reaching over to touch the keys.

**LittleBrawnHooves:* I dunno*

**JillberrySicka:* ...Well, until then, you should talk to me ^.^*

Heh, her and her emoticons always got to me. She was a big kid, well not in height. She would always get mad when I teased her about being shorter than me, when in reality I was only three centimeters taller than her.

Though I wouldn't tell her that.

"Alright I guess." I say to myself whilst typing the same thing into the chat. I grab the laptop and place it on my lap, sitting up in my bed and placing a pair of ear buds into my ears. I move the cursor down to find the pTunes symbol and clicked it, opening my music library and instantly typing in the song that fit the mood.

**JillberrySicka:* I just got out of the shower~ I feel so clean like...oh! Those commercials =) I feel special~*

"......" I try desperately to fight the image of her body prancing around in the steamy fog of her shower with every ounce in my body.

**LittleBrawnHooves:* Yeah, I took one earlier. It makes my mane look stupid.*

**JillberrySicka:* I bet it doesn't~*

**LittleBrawnHooves:* You'd lose that bet...*

**JillberrySicka:* Oh really~*

I shift in my seating, blushing knowing the voice she's saying all this in. Even in the state that I'm in, even in the state I'm in that she caused, even so...just talking to her clouds my every thought with her face and makes it harder to breathe.

**LittleBrawnHooves:* Your head doin any better or are you just dealing with it now?*

**JillberrySicka:* A little better than lately.*

**LittleBrawnHooves:* Good. =) Take Advil and try drinking more water.*

**JillberrySicka:* But I hate taking pills! XC*

I laughed, a little more than I expected. I could see her soft pouting lips, the two golden rings poking out with them. We talked for a little while after that, leaving me wide awake and boosting my over all morale despite recent events. Soon, she began to respond slower and slower until eventually she stopped. The green light by her name disappeared and signalling her logging off. I sullenly stared down at the last few words passed between us.

**LittleBrawnHooves:* Sometimes I think I care too much x_x*

**JillberrySicka:* Caring can be good, but it can be bad too i guess*

**LittleBrawnHooves:* eh, caring is tiring...*

**JillberrySicka:* Caring is nice c;*

**LittleBrawnHooves:* I guess lol*

**JillberrySicka:...I think you're cute~

**LittleBrawnHooves:o_____O Nope

**JillberrySicka:* Yes c:*

**LittleBrawnHooves:* Noooope...*

but you are

My heart sank as I read the typed words in my head, mouthing my words in the bright light of the computer screen. My eyes watering as I yawn for maybe the hundredth time, the same song that had been playing on loop officially had stuck in my head.

Why? Why? I asked myself, my laptop, the walls, the ceiling. Why, I asked again and again and again, receiving not one reply. Was this a test, or was it to screw with me? I'm sure she knows no matter how many times I tell her it's okay or that I'm fine, it's just another knife being added to the dart board in my heart and twisting it causing the other to follow.

But I had no one to blame but myself. This all stared with me, if it ends how I predict it will, it'll end with me.

I type one last time, mouthing the words as the chat produced them.

**LittleBrawnHooves:* Goodnight Jill...*

I removed the head phones and put them away, remembering to pause the song before unplugging them of course. I levitate my laptop back onto my chair, though it felt as though the magic itself fought to keep it still. Like, this rectangular piece of tech was my only way to her. It was my life line.

Laying back in my bed, I reply the whole day in my head. Every frame causing a grimace to grow on my face, I feel my chest jerk as my eyes stung with tears. It's been too painful for it to be normal, to lose in order to learn. Such a sad life for a modest teen living in suburbia, miles away from the city to which she beckons.

Just as I felt the warmth of sleep take me, my phone beeps and vibrates against my bed. I levitate it up and unlock it, seeing the devilish grin I grown to love.

"Goodnight, Brawn."