Ah crud. What is this censored.
It was Tuesday. Of course, it was Tuesday. These things always happen on Tuesday. I'm serious, I shouldn't even bother getting up on Tuesday, because Tuesday hates me almost as much as cheese does. And that's... a really long story actually, which took place on a different Tuesday, but I'm not telling you about that, at least not here, because I'm not really sure they'd let me post it on this site; it doesn't have much to do with wimpy horses, which I gather from the diabetes-inducing banner is the only subject allowed here? I assume this is some kind of support group... Anyway, it sucks being me, especially on Tuesday, and that's the reason why I'm not talking about cheese at the moment.
Actually, I'm talking about Toys “R” Us. Notice the R is not backwards as it might be if I were talking about that one store that probably came to your mind as you read this, but because it's not, I'm not, and thus! I am in no danger of a libel suit, because what I'm about to say is that Toys “R” Us SUCKS and that I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever going back there in this life or any other. Hey, I have a good reason. And I mean a REALLY good reason. But I'll get to that in a second, because even though I really have no business writing and possess no sense of story pacing, I do know that if I tell you everything in the first two paragraphs I'm pretty much screwed on word count. But if I don't tell you anything in the first two paragraphs, I'm gonna get screwed on views and upvotes, plus it would make you sad and disappointed, and HECK NO I'm not letting that happen, cuz even though I'm sort of a troll and use way too many run-on sentences, I do not, do not, do NOT make people sad. So, awkward transition to new paragraph and actual story matter.
So, the only reason I was in...that store was because the new Spidey movie was out and I thought it might be a good time to stock up on arachnoswagliciousness. Yes, that is a word. Actually, I'm pretty much always stocking up on Spidey gear, because hey. He's Spider-Man. Like, skarp you, DC Universe. Well, except you, Batman. You may come in unskarped. See, I left the door open a crack. And we don't make “simply have your parents sign this form” jokes here, because Pete's a little low in the parental department too, just like you, so he knows how you feel and ERMAGERSH CROSSOVER YES that one with the Joker and Carnage was so. Awesome. And also the one thing with blah blah blah blip blee bloppity blam...
But
I
Digress.
Sorry, bunny trails are a specialty of mine. Just talking, usually. Writing's not really my thing, but I guess you already knew that. And SEGUE! You know what else isn't my thing? Getting dumped into skarping PORTALS before breakfast. Oh, and did I mention it was Tuesday?
So, it happened like this: I was walking towards the Spidey aisle (because forget other superheroes when you have Spidey) whennnnn I felt my Spider Sense tingle MAJORLY, which usually means I really, really need to hit the bathroom. Maybe it was just Sense sense... Anyway, I juked a 180 and began swinging towards the One True Room, smiling at random people and probably creeping out small children cuz that just... happens when I walk into toy stores. But skarp you, little kids! Just wait til YOU have to deal with acne. But actually that's not what I was thinking at that particular moment in time. I was thinking I needed to ask an employee where to find the bathroom, because honestly, it's a big store. You could get lost.
So, I finally found some sweaty guy with a badge and tried to ask him where I could find the loo, but it was kinda hard to hear him over the sound of his badge screaming “HELLO I AM FRED” and his shirt screaming “I AM A RUMPLED POLO THAT HAS NEVER BEEN WITH A WASHING MACHINE”. But I think he said “Just go over there along that back wall and take a couple rights and you'll see it pretty soon.” I dunno. I was NOT asking again, and he was already waddling off so there wasn't much I could do about it anyway. I gave him a sorta thank-you/ what-is-proper-protocol-here wave with about three fingers, then scurried along to see if I could find the place.
A few things, here. Item A: Whoever's in charge over there, please fire Fred. For reasons soon obvious, I hate that guy with a passion and he has destroyed my life, so fire him; really, it's the least you can do. Item B, I think the bathroom was a lie, government, please look into that when you get a second, okay? Cuz you know what I found? Correct, not the bathroom. I found a
skarping
PORTAL.
wut.
To be more accurate, I fell right THROUGH a skarping portal. Yes, I accidentally fell through an interuniversal portal, okay? I was looking at shiny things and I fell. Could have happened to anybody. Frequently does, no doubt. Man, I wonder if there's some kinda group for that...
So, yeah. One second I'm in some toy store back home, the next I'm materializing in an entirely different world.
Three hundred feet above the ground.
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…
FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—
But no, I bounced off some griffons and birds and stuff and actually was still doing pretty well a couple hundred feet later. Seemed to be headed towards a town of some kind.
And then
Le giant tree. Oh my gosh WHY. HOW. Who looks at a city and goes “Yup, let's just put the GIANT FERICKIN' TREE riiiiiiiight here”? Who does that? Who DOES that?
Is it Tuesday? Yes. Yes it is.
Fall out of sky, land in tree. Well, that was unexpected. I thought maybe I would just keep falling for a really long time like they did in Journey to the Center of the Earth, or maybe fall through a bunch of fire and stuff like Gandalf did when he transformed. But no, I got to land in the giant tree. And this town thing? I could have been wrong, but I'm still pretty sure the inhabitants were all some kinda... ponies.
So, yeah. Giant tree.
And then... ponies. Like, chubby little horses in Technicolor. Ye gods, they were the most emasculating thing I have ever witnessed. I could feel them sucking the manliness right out of my quivering body as they regarded me with adorably wide eyes and waddled around in excitement. I swear, my morning shroud of Old Spice was the only thing that kept me from transmogrifying into one of them.
But of course, the dang tree had to break and throw me on the floor inside like some Stan-forsaken lump of dead matter. But whatever. It was Tuesday.
Oh, and the tree also seemed to be some kinda library or something, and the librarian was a baby purple horse with a waffle cone stuck to its face (gonna hazard a guess, her face? They're probably all shes, right?), and she had some sorta Pokemon slave, like maybe a Squirtle or something? Whatever. It was sweeping the floor. Don't know if that's important or whatever. Probably not. Oh, and this is about when I found out these weird pony things can talk, too. Little creeps.
Buuuuuut no one seemed to notice me at first, so I just grabbed a cookie from a platter and waited for one of them to turn around. They had their backs to me, of course. Forget if I said that already. But finally, the creepy horse turned in my direction.
“What is that?” she gasped, pointing at something behind me.
I performed a quick pirouette, but I didn't see anything too unusual. Well, besides a ton of ponies, of course, parading around outside the window like some skarping marshmallow convention... However, she continued to point and stare, until I realized she wasn't pointing behind me after all...
She was pointing at me. Ah. Great.
“Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,” I began intellectually, waving my hands and shoving the rest of the cookie in my mouth. I swallowed, sorta. “Mi'm nobba vvat, Mi'm uh bersun. Uh ber son, am manaaaaaame iv Jamev. Buh vazzokay. Iffallgud.” I beamed at her, radiating cheer and goodwill, with maybe a touch of hurt at being called a 'that'.
She took a step back. “Is he threatening me? I think he's threatening me.”
What? No! I would never— oh, for the love of Dymer. And she was... a pony. She was a purple pony with an ice cream cone sticking out of her face and I was a normal guy, sans purple, sans pony, sans cone, sans everything. How did that make me the weird one? I mean, relatively speaking, of course.
I swallowed, completely. “Um, look, uh... ma'am. Not gonna hurt anyone. Just trying to find the bathroom is all, so if you could just kinda give me a push in the r. d. …?”
…
…
…
…
…
“But if you don't mind my asking, what's a purple stranger like you doing in a place like this? Uh, for that matter, what's a place like this doing in a place like this?”
She sat down on her tail, her jaw unhinged. “You-you... Me? Stranger?”
I nodded. “Yes, you stranger. You also purple. This strange place. Me Tarzan. Where heck is bathroom?”
At this point in the show the scaly little blob sweeping the floor decided to take over. “Oh, the bathroom. Sure! Just down that hall and to the left,” he said, pointing. Then back to sweeping. Dang, that kid was a neat freak. If not by nature, then by habit. I mean, who spends that long sweeping the dang floor? Eh. I got better things to do than theorize about baby dinosaurs, though. Especially in times when I really, really gotta go.
“Right, thanks dude. Yeah, brb. Seeya!” I shot down the hall, locating and quickly occupying the necessary room.
Aaaaaand we break here for privacy...
<:(X):>
Aaaaaand crud what's the deal with there being no toilet paper.
“Why? Why-hai-haiii... Skarping skarp skarp skrarpity skrarp!” I swore, glancing frantically around for something, anything I could use to extricate myself from my predicament. The curtains! ...no. Too obvious. Somebody would wonder where they'd gone. The towel! ...no. White towel. Not gonna cut it. Someone would make inquiries... Okay, well then. This... this was a problem. Hmm.
<:(X):>
I sauntered back into the book place, gazing boredly at the minion still sweeping the floor. Dude, your life sucks. My advice: Get GED. Move out. Purchase X-Box. Sell heroine.
Still not sure on the exact details after 'X-Box', b u t does it really matter? Didn't think so.
I stuck my hands in my pockets.
“Hey. Cool. Hope you don't mind abridged books, cuz that one in the water closet just got turned into Small Children's Edition, Annotated. Whatever annotated means. Sounds cool. Cool word.”
No response. Hmm.
“So, wassup? Name's James. But you can call me Socrates. All my friends do.”
It was obviously a general remark, but the pointy one answered anyway.
“My name is Toilet Sparkle,” she said politely.
Lawl. Dork.
Oh wait she said Twilight, never mind.
Lawl. Still a dork.
Li'l Barney actually set down the mop for a second and perked up a bit.
“Your friends call you Socrates?” he asked, flexing his puny appendages for whatever reason.
I nodded my head up and down, which in troll terms means **** no! But I'm not such a great troll really, so I just kinda went, “Shock, no. My mom calls me Peter though, cuz I'm big on Spidey and stuff. Cuz, Peter Parker.”
He scratched his head, losing a few scales. Mighta been dandruff. I dunno.
“You mean like Spider-Mane? And Peter Pony Parker? From the Marevel comics?”
I sighed deeply. “Kid... yes. Fine. Whatever. But I swear, if you come up with some lame-as-frick horse pun for the almighty Stan Lee, I will punch a hole right through this wall.”
“What did he say about Stallion Lee?” the dorky horse whispered.
That sound that you didn't hear, but would have if you'd been there, was the sound of a fist shattering several layers of wood. Jeez. Judging from dendrochronology, this thing had to be about a million years old, give or take a few months.
You know. Not that I'm super keen on dendrochronology.
Anyway, I decided it was time to split, cuz honestly it's kinda awkward just kind of standing there while everyone stares at the hole you just punched in the wall soooooooo I was outta there, cuz I was not reliving last Easter again.
Ooooooooh, the street, coolsies. Kinda like a road, except it was a street.
Oh, and that pony cart was coming up pretty fast, wasn't it.
FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—
Author's Note
Frick you, Tuesday.
