Facts about ponies

by BeardedRedMane

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 4376

What if I told you that the most agreed upon fact about ponies in our brony fanbase was completely wrong?

There are a lot of things that bronies agree on in the MLP community, things such as names, to personalities, to even shipping characters around with each other. Things like Lyra and Bon Bon being together and Derpy Hooves loving muffins and being a little derpy seem so set in stone. What if the biggest, most agreed upon thing that Bronies thought was canon was a completely baseless lie? This story sets place with a young human who is just about to find out that ponies aren't quite how they envisioned them to be. Find out along with him as he find out the truth first hand and sets the facts straight.

Published 2013-05-22 10:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-05 15:30:24 UTC

A Shocking Revelation

Alright, where to begin… Ah, that’s right! An introduction. My name is… Hah, well y’know I bet you don’t even give a damn what my name is. In fact, I think I’ll give myself a new name. I mean it’s not like I need to use my real name anymore, not like I’m a U.S. citizen—hell not like I’m a denizen of planet Earth anymore. But hey, getting ahead of myself, we need a name, Anonymous. Yeah that’s good, but since it’s a bit long to say you can just call me Anon.

Now first off I’d like to say that I’m tall, 6’2 to be exact, so I’m used to looking down on people. Ironic given my current situation. Next I’d like to tell you something that only the internet knows about me.
I’m a brony.

That’s right, I fucking love ponies and I really don’t even know why. I mean I’ve asked fellow bronies this question and they usually either give me some sap story about hitting a low point in their life and then finding this show and things just magically getting better for them. That’s not me, not in the least. I think I’m just a really really big pervert that likes anything that fits the description of cute and adorable. I blame Japan subculture and the moe phenomenon.

Anyway, how messed up I am doesn’t matter because for this thing I’m about to tell you half of you won’t believe and the other half will want to gut me in envy. What could this little bit of information be? Perhaps I blackmailed Tara Strong to send me a tape of her Twilight Sparkle voice moaning my name? Heh… That would be great but no, get this: I somehow ended up in Equestria. I shit you not, the real deal man, fucking friendship, magic and ponies everywhere. Like a dream come true, right?
Wrong.

Whoa, whoa. Before you lynch me for heresy, let me at least try to defend myself. I know what you’re thinking, “Bro please. You’re a Brony. You’re in Equestria. You’d better start smiling and praising the sun before we gut your ass.” But back up for a second, what if I told you we were wrong. I mean completely and utterly wrong. Wrong about what you say? Perhaps the mane six have different voices than their actors? Nope. Then perhaps they look more like an actual horse than they do in the show? Nope, definitely still the same adorable ponies as before. So what was wrong? Well to tell you that I’ll start off with the day Fluttershy saved me and flew me back to her home.

• • •

Slowly my consciousness came back to me, smell was the first sense that returned to me. I was breathing in the cleanest air I had ever breathed in my life with a hint of earth to it, not a musty smell but more of a pleasant fresh grass and sunshine kind of smell. Next was the sound of my heart steadily beating, I couldn’t figure out why but it seemed as if it was a relief that I was alive. Ugh, iron. A heavy taste of iron filled my mouth like I had decided it was a good idea to suck on a metal bar. Opening my eye’s my vision was completely obscured by white bandages. And finally the last sense to come to me was feeling.

As I tried to move my arm to my face thousands of nerves sprang back to life shooting signals of pain throughout my entire body. My entire body convulsed in ridged spasms and my ears were filled with the sound of screaming, as if some poor soul was being tortured. Along with it violent images of mythical beasts and an endless forest. It seemed like ages, maybe it was only a few seconds but in the next moment a soft yet somehow familiar voice pierced the screams urging me to lay still. I felt a delicate touch over my body and surprisingly enough the convulsions and screams stopped as I settled down and my consciousness’ faded into black.

Day’s passed like this, each more progressively painful than the last, with the pain peaking on the third day. Day and night was filled with nothing but agony and nightmares until the fourth day when the pain finally began dying down. All the while the same gentle and familiar voice nursing me back to health. My mind grew clearer and by what was probably the 6th day that while I was being nursed by this stranger I was able to utter three simple words.

“Where….am.. I?”

“Shhh… You poor thing, you shouldn’t be talking yet.” came a gentle yet stern voice. “You were hurt so badly that I---“ her voice cracked a little in genuine distress and it actually sent a twinge of sadness in my heart. Some stranger I didn’t even know had this much worry for me. I thought at that moment that I really wanted to get better and thank her properly.

The days passed with this person nursing me, sometimes there were other voices, that too sounded vaguely familiar but due to my condition I was hardly able to talk to them let alone stay conscious. Finally though I was strong enough to sit up and move around. Even talk. So far it had been one sided conversations to this person who apparently really liked animals, kinda reminded me of what Fluttershy might be like if she were real. Laughing off that thought I decided that today was the day I wanted to remove my bandages and greet the one who saved me with my own eyes.

So when I first awoke early in the morning I carefully removed the bandages from my face and sat with my eyes closed and face towards the window. When the time had finally come and I heard her entering I could hardly contain my excitement. Slowly I turned my head to her general direction, smiled and opened my eyes.

Or I thought I opened my eyes, certainly they were open and seeing but there was no way this was real. So I decided to shut them again before opening them. Still the same… Again I closed only to open them to the same scene. This had to be some kind of funny joke. Someone had found out about my pony fetish and decided to make a Fluttershy suit to greet me in. Except they apparently didn’t know the most obvious thing about ponies. They were supposed to be around half the size of a human, not 6ft tall. The world turned black and my consciousness faded.

• • •

A few hours later I awoke mentally but refused to open my eyes, instead determined to replay the events I could remember up until this moment in my mind. I remember a forest, like an impossibly large one that had no way out no matter how hard I searched. I don’t really remember how long I was there but I remember the fear I felt day and night as I hid from impossible monsters that only seemed to exist in some fantasy world.

No…

Not some fantasy world… But a specific one. I remember it now, when I had the thought, “Holy shit, I’m in Equestria, sweet!” or at least it would be if I wasn’t in the Everfree forest. Fucking Everfree…Next thing I remember was fighting a giant Timber Wolf, like the size of the one episode Spike at Your Service. Great episode. I don’t know how long I fought that thing—not that it could be called a fight, more like me throwing rocks at it and getting my ass handed to me. Finally landed a deciding blow on me that sent me flying into a tree head first painting the world black. The next thing I remembered was seeing tree tops racing across the ground and feeling the wind in my face.

So… I’m in Equestria. I got my ass handed to me by a Great Timberwolf and I was saved by Fluttershy…All that was fine and dandy except for one thing. I opened my eyes to a worried looking Fluttershy.

WHY THE HELL IS SHE SO GOD DAMN BIG?

“A..are you alright?” came her sweeter than honey voice.

Why yes, of course I am Fluttershy, I’m in Equestria and was nursed back to health by a shy and pretty pony. Are you alright? Cause it looks like you’ve had enough growth hormone to kill you. “Y…eah. I was just really surprised by you.”

Her head dipped to the side in the cutest little motion of inner thought before she graced me with her voice again. “Oh, I’m sorry, but why would I surprise you?”

Cause you’re fucking gigantic? Why are you that big? What happened to my small huggable Fluttershy? I mean, you’re big enough to ride and not in the way I’d enjoy. What do I even say? Hi my names Anon, I come from a reality where you’re a little girls t.v. show. Never mind why I watch it, you should be half my size. “Well, I… I’ve never seen a talking pony before, not to mention one as tall as you.”

I could see her cheeks flush red and damn it had she been the right size I’d have taken her in one arm and brought her close. “Well, I was the tallest in my class for a while.” She smiled weakly. Man… This is going to be a long day.

Author's Note

So I really came up on this story on a whim. While I was trying to figure out the correct sizes of ponies I did a little research and found that it was more or less agreed upon that ponies were half the height of humans with Celestia being the size of a full horse. How did this come to be? Apparently the episode where Scootaloo and some other filly had their tongues stuck on a candy cane that was said to be 8ft tall. So I thought, what if we disregard that and ponies were actually 5-6ft tall? Well that would just piss in your cheerios, wouldn't it?
Also this story might not be updated as fast as my other one, this is supposed to be a light hearted one I work on when I have time or have writers block.

Hugs

Oh man, excuse me for a second, I think I'm hyperventilating. No, no. Rest assured, I'm not in any mortal danger. That is if you don't count dying from a lethal overdose of cuteness. It's been a couple of days since I've been in a position to sit up and talk and you better believe that when that second hit Pinkie Pie was all over me. Y'know I'm serious, there is just something about Pinkie Pie that brings a actual smile to my face. I still remember the days back home when while at work I would just open up my pony folder and flip through images.

There's this really cute one of Pinkie and she's got her face in a glass of chocolate milk and is trying to drink it. But unfortunately her face is too big and she is just mere inches from being able to enjoy the delicious chocolaty beverage. That's not the only picture of Pinkie that makes me smile but it's a good example of Pinkie being Pinkie that just fucking reaffirms my devout love in ponies. At first I will admit that ponies not being half my height and hold-able might have hit me a little hard but hey, just means more of Pinkie Pie to hug.

Well anyway to the present situation, Pinkie had just burst in with the entire gang while I'm sitting on a spare bed, feet on the ground. "Goooood Morning Anon!!! How are you feeling today? Do you think you will be up and running soon? I hope you are! I can't wait to throw a get well party-- oh and of course we'll have to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party-- OH! And--"

"Uhm, excuse me Pinkie, but Anon isn't really strong enough for all of that activity just yet." Fluttershy began but quickly changed her tone when she saw Pinkie wilt in sadness. "But I'm sure we can put together a tiny little get together around the house." That bit of information sent Pinkie into one of her happy spasms as she stood up on her hind legs jumping up and down.

Oh God. At times like these I am seriously reminded at how pint size I am in comparison to them. While standing normally from their hooves to their shoulders there are a good 5ft tall and when you includ their heads they are around 6ft tall. I can look a pony straight in the face while they stand on all fours, however when they stand on their hind legs…

It's a completely different story, they fucking tower over me… That NEVER happened on Earth. I'm still not used to it; I mean I'm like the size of a damn doll in comparison. But still… I REALLY want a hug from Pinkie Pie-- and not even in a perverted way. I genuinely want a hug, just the sheer thought of it is making my heart beat at an unhealthy pace. Well.. Maybe there's a tiny bit of perversion to it in the back of my mind, maybe my hands would wander around her flanks as I--..

No…

What're you thinking Anon? WHAT are you thinking about doing to that adorable.. slightly large..

With Pinkie still on her hind legs and her arms raised I too decided to raise my arms, waving them around in excitement. Turning her head toward me Pinkie looked down and smiled. "Looks like somepony wants a hug!"

Pinkie… I..

Ever so slowly for what seemed like an eternity, Pinkie inched closer to me with open arms. In a mere foot I would be within that sweet furry embrace. Six more inches, my hands were probably sweating buckets in anticipation. Three inches-- did you know that Pinkie Pie smells delicious? I mean just like an assortment of cakes and chocolates galore oh god the embrace can't come soon enough. The distance we're at probably couldn't even be calculated anymore, her arms nanoseconds from wrapping around me.

And finally the embrace came, as she closed her arms around me and lifted me up I felt three of my rips shatter. Later that day I awoke with the most pleased look on my face and fresh bandages.

Worth it.

• • •

Man, I really feel bad about what happened. Emotionally, not physically. I fucking loved that hug and would do it again. After three of my ribs audibly gave way to the cuteness that is Pinkie Pie I was instantly let go as the room turned into an uproar of worry and heightened voices. I really feel bad for Pinkie, being the one who gave me such an amazing hug she took it the worst but hey, I'm not angry at her in the least. How were we supposed to know that ponies were stupid strong?

I mean insane strong, that strength just doesn't make sense, I know Earth ponies are supposed to be the strongest but I remember her crying to Fluttershy as she stabilized my breathing that she had given me a "light" hug because she didn't want to hurt me. God part of me wants to see what a full force Pinkie hug could do to me. Probably send me on my way to nirvana.

Anyway my recovery process was slightly impaired by that but a week later I was finally able to let Pinkie know it wasn't her fault. Fluttershy had been livid and forced me to stay in bed and forbid any kind of outside contact which I knew was really just fear for my safety. Anyway I was finally able to cheer Pinkie up by telling her that we could practice hugging until she got it just right.

I can't wait… hue.

Er-- anyway, onto the extent of my injuries. I honestly don't know how I survived as long as I did in that forest, I mean the lack of food aside the number of monsters in that forest is stupid. They outta burn that forest to the fucking ground, I managed to escape that place relatively intact. The biggest of my injuries was the concussion I received on both the front and back of my skull, the one on the back being relatively light and the one on the front splitting my cranium slightly. It healed into the coolest looking scar ever! It runs down in a zig zag path from the right side of my forehead down to the outside of my eyebrow on the same side of my face. There were also numerous light fractures and bruises all over my body, most of which had been healed. The only real damage I had now was the three fractured ribs from Pinkies hug. I will treasure them for the rest of my life.

"So… Anon, how are your wounds?" Fluttershy asked in a light motherly voice. Partially not wanting to make her think her efforts had gone to waste jumped up from the bed and flexed my bicep in response. The other reason was probably because I had been holed up in Equestria so long and the only two places I'd been were the Everfree forest and Fluttershy's cottage. Which was cool and all, but it would be nice to visit a place that I wasn't either near dying or being nursed back to health in.

"I'm fit as a fiddle, really! I feel if I don't get up and do something soon that I'm going to lose my mind!" I replied honestly, though my fractured ribs ached whenever I-- well whenever I did anything, like breathing. That wasn't gonna stop me from my tour of Ponyville, I KNOW its coming, it's in all of the fanfics. C'mon Fluttershy, just reaffirm it for me.

"Well I suppose if you are feeling up to it Pinkie has really been wanting to show you around Ponyville." YES, thank god for some things that are still canon in our view of ponies. "But I want you to take it slow-- if you get tired you can always ride on my back for a while."

Trying desperately to hide my smile I nodded as she smiled in return. "Alright then, we'll have some breakfast before the others get here. It's going to be a long day and you're going to need your strength.

Oh man will I.

Author's Note

Man I really wasn't planning on updating this story the next day but when I checked back and saw like 20 favorites and a load of comments I was like, "Well alrighty then." So here's Anon's second fact about ponies, they're stupid strong.

Pants

"So, Anon, how did you end up in the Everfree Forest? Where is your tribe?"

Here it came, Twilight's interrogation, you knew it was coming from the amount of Human in Equestria fanfics you've read but there was just one problem. Out of all the fanfics you read you had never once read one about a Brony teleported to Equestria. The whole premise of that kind of story turned you off, " Hi, My Names X. Don't bother explaining who you are though, I know each and every one of you. You're a T.V. show in my world." That sort of logic really killed it for you, so you usually stopped reading right after the main character said the phrase, "You're a T.V. show."

"I don't really reme-- wait. Tribe?"

Furrowing her brow slightly Twilight gave a worried expression as if she had just gotten something wrong on a test, recovering herself she continued. "Well tribe, I believe that's what they're called, we only briefly covered minotaur's in magic school but I was sure that was what they were called. Were you traveling somewhere with your family and got lost? I've also never seen a baby minotaur quite like you-- what is wrong with your legs?"

"Minotaur? No.. you see I'm a--" Wait minotaur? Don't you people have monkeys for humans to evolve from around here? "You think I'm a baby minotaur?"

Twilight's obvious mistake in logic was hitting her hard, biting her lip she nervously replied, "Well you do look like a minotaur, and I heard that most baby minotaurs lack horns until they mature-- although that still doesn't explain why you're so hairless, and your legs seem to be.. Missing joints."

Completely awe struck you kind of just stopped walking and let your jaw hang open. You probably would have been like that for the rest of the day too, mid step on your way to a tour of Ponyville trying to make sense of what she just said. Luckily Rainbow Dash helped you with this one by bursting into a fit of laughter before dismissing Twilight's knowledge, "I don't know what this guy is but if he really is a baby minotaur then he's mega weak. Even a baby minotaur can lift a pony, not get crushed by one."

Pinkie's mane drooped a little in sadness for a brief second while your cheeks reddened causing you to blurt out without thinking, "No, I'm not a minotaur, I'm a human. And I'll have you know with a little training we're pretty damn strong." To reinforce your point you flex your measly arm, Dash doesn't bother hiding her laughter.

Twilight however becomes even more distraught, "Human? I don't think I've ever heard of one of those before? Where do you come from? Do you live in the Griffon lands?" You reply with a dumb look on your face.

"Look-- uh, I really can't remember much of anything, one second I'm on my way to my friend Josh's house and the next second… Well actually I can't remember anything after that."

Hearing this Fluttershy raised her ears and knitted her brows in worry "You poor thing, I knew those wounds on your head were serious but they must have shaken you up more than I thought." Twilight while sharing the same worry of Fluttershy seemed to have a hint of disappointment in her face.

"Yeah.. Sorry, I really can't remember much." though you could see the gears working in Twilights head as she mulled over the situation. What you said hadn't actually been a lie, you really had been on your way to Josh's house… but then what? You seriously had no memory from that point onward perhaps that concussion did jar your memory a bit.

Luckily you were saved by Applejack next, "Well we may not know what ya are but as Rainbow Dash kindly put it," she gave Dash whom was still chuckling a sour look. "Ya don't see capable of harmin' anypony and seein' as how yer still on the mend we'll just have to save the questions for until yer memory comes back."

Good ol' honest Applejack, I owe you and that sweet southern accent my thanks… but still, how did I get here? Discord decide to pluck my sorry ass from Earth and thrust me into this place for his own chaotic amusement? As if, had Discord really wanted something chaotic he'd have grabbed the most perverted pony freak out there and set him loose in Ponyville…
…
…..

"Thanks Applejack, as soon as I'm able to remember what happened I'll be sure to let you guys know. So where are we headed to again?" you question as Ponyville comes into view and your heart leaps in joy. Soon you would be INSIDE Ponyville, you kind of wondered if all those Minecraft maps you played on had any accuracy to them.

"Well we really didn't have anywhere in particular set in mind but just a general walk around town and meeting a few respectable ponies should do it." Applejack replied much to your dismay. You weren't going on a tour to every nook and cranny of Ponyville? What about seeing each of their houses? Their bedrooms...

Sighing you realistically think about it, to them you were just a weird lost creature that has had a bit of a memory lapse and needs a hand till he's back on his feet. Not some V.I.P. hero that just saved the town from something. As you all finally cross the bridge into Ponyville your smile returns as you behold ponies bustling around their daily business. A nearby Stallion crosses your path and briefly looks up at you with a puzzled face before continuing on his way.

"Well here we are, Welcome to Ponyville Anon, how do you like it? Does it jog any memories?" Twilight added though her words failed to reach you, all you could do was stare in complete utter horror. "Anon, are you alright?"

"W..what?" Alright? No.. wait, I'm seeing things-- if I just turn my head and take another look. As you turn your head slowly to the right your eyes lock onto the stallion that crossed your path not two seconds earlier, his backside facing you as he walks toward an unknown destination.

When you were in the sixth grade you remembered that you had to do a project on gravity and had built a pendulum, the pendulum was gaudy at best and when you lifted one of the balls to start the motion it would slap haphazardly against the other one and required constant outside force to continue its ticking back and forth.

"Anon?" Fluttershy questioned as she walked over toward you and stood on her hind legs placing a hoof on your forehead. "Are you ok, you don't look so well."

Your eyes deadlock on Fluttershys' abdomen. In the back of your mind the question arose of how you failed notice earlier before you break your gaze and look up at her face. Standing there with a worried look on her face was innocent Fluttershy.

"Never been better."