The Library Club

by Inky Swirl

Rating: teen
Tags: Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance, Adventure, Sex, Random, Sweetie Belle, Main 6
Length: 10386

Spike is getting worried about Twilight - she spends all her time on the computer. What's going on?

When Twilight Sparkle asks Spike to order her a computer, he thinks nothing of it. But when Twilight begins devoting all her time to the magical device and hiding her activities, things begin to get strange. Spike's fear for his best friend's condition increases as she cleans the basement all by herself - and demands that Spike stay out of it. The young dragon attempts to seek help from the rest of the Mane Six, only to find that they, too, are too enraptured by their computers to deal with Ponyville living.

A forced trip to the basement lands Spike in the middle of the answers he's looking for - and all the shocking revelation those answers entail.

Published 2012-02-12 04:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-12 04:24:01 UTC

The Library Club

The overhead light shone directly above the middle of the office, but its indignant brightness still seemed to be concentrated right in Spike’s eyes. He laid looking up at the swirly white ceiling and idly poked at the coffee-colored wall to his left with shaky claws; resting on top of Dr. Schach’s cozy little patient couch could have put him to sleep if he were a mere visitor, but being a scrutinized subject left no room in the schedule for rest. The Doc himself was seated on a wheelie chair with an obscure modernist pattern to his right, perched upon the cushion like a proud wild lion. Relation to the biggest of jungle cats was no accident – Roar Schach’s coat and mane were resembled a lion’s so greatly, it was as if he had been fathered by one. Bronze aura kept his clipboard aloft, generated by the psychiatric unicorn’s dark brown horn.

Spike entertained the idea of a lion mating with a little unicorn pony, but found he could not giggle at the absurd concept as he usually would.

“Tell me, Spike,” crooned Dr. Schach, “when did you first notice something strange was going on?”

That obscene white light fixed in the middle of the ceiling was now penetrating his eyes and mind more strongly than –

No, no, Spike thought in a panic, don’t think about it, for the love of Celestia, don’t think about it!

“It… um…”

“Take your time,” Dr. Schach instructed gently.

Spike closed his wide green eyes, submitting himself to a darkness in which that stupid white light could not possible exist. He found the words spilling out after roughly ten seconds of deep breathing:

“I didn’t think anything weird was going on when I ordered from the new catalogue,” he said. “I thought, ‘She needs this, so I need to get it. She always needs new books and things, and stuff she reads about always interests her.’ It was totally normal.”

“Mmhm.”

“But… but…”

Dr. Roar Schach pressed a considerate hoof to his chin and gazed at the little dragon through tired blue eyes. “But what, young Spike?” he asked.

Spike shook his head. He opened his eyes only when he subconsciously knew he had turned enough on the cot to be facing that wonderful coffee-colored wall. “I…” he spoke timidly. “She always had me write things. Why would she ever need a keyboard?”

“Indeed. She could have even used her horn.”

“Exactly. So… I was curious, but I didn’t ask her about it. I just – I just ordered it.”

“And then?”

“Then…”

Spike felt the room grow colder. Images flashed through his mind and he whipped his head around to eradicate them in that infuriating white light.

“Then it all went crazier than Pinkie Pie on a party withdrawal,” he whispered, ever so slowly.

The computer had come after two days of waiting. Twilight Sparkle had been seated patiently in front of the window next to the door, staring into the sky in search of everyone’s favorite clumsy mailpony. Spike could remember organizing a pile of books Twilight had finished rushing through that morning, wondering silently if he could spend the day with Apple Bloom and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders when Twilight dismissed him. He had just put the final book in place – an ‘alternate universe’ novel by someone named, “Harpsichord Lyrica” – when he heard, “Yes! Yes-yes-yes! Oh, yes!”

Spike turned his head in time to see Derpy floating down from the sky, attempting to control her movements. Amazingly enough, the cross-eyed mailpony managed to make it to the ground with only a slight stumble and did not crash as usual. Her bag seemed stuffed to breaking point, its cover flap stretched taut against the security rivets. Twilight was off her chair, now, still squeaking delighted affirmations on her way to the door. She threw it open with magic and leaned out of the doorway like an eager puppy over the edge of a pool.

“Yes,” she sighed.

Derpy had walked cheerfully up to the unicorn and sat down on her flank with a loud thump. Spike wondered how in Equestria someone could thump their soft backside on a stone path and somehow make a noise.

‘Derpy defies all laws of nature,’ Rainbow Dash had once scoffed. ‘I can whip out a sonic rainboom, but that Pegasus could survive a direct hit by one. It’s weirder than Pinkie Pie’s random popups.’

(That quip had, of course, been followed by Pinkie Pie suddenly appearing from inside a basket and saying, “Hey! I’m not weird, I’m special!”)

Spike giggled, releasing the memory. He walked up to join Twilight at the door – after checking the nearest basket for ponies in hiding just to be sure of his surroundings.

“I got a package for you!” Derpy announced proudly. “It’s big, and heavy, and it smells good, too!”

Twilight scrunched up her eyes and smiled sheepishly. “Oh, how wonderful,” she said. “I didn’t know cardboard could smell so… um… pleasant?”

The mailpony struggled with the cover flap of her bag for a moment before freeing it of its rivets. She then stuck two gray hooves inside and hauled out a large, square cardboard box, which did not smell like anything other than cardboard to Spike.

Derpy grinned, her mission accomplished – and then frowned suddenly in confusion. “Um,” she uttered, “you did buy this, right?”

Twilight dragged the package closer with her horn and inspected the label. “Yes, indeed!” she declared. “A shiny new Bell computer!”

“Hooray!” Derpy cheered. “A computer!”

Several seconds passed before that trademark look of confusion reclaimed the mailpony’s face and she asked, “What’s a computer?”

“Um… Well, you see… It’s –”

“Magic,” Spike interrupted. “A magic box for unicorns. Complicated stuff.”

Derpy nodded sagely and murmured, “Unicorn magic.”

“That’s right!” Spike said. “Maybe they’ll make a model for pegasi soon, though, so keep your eyes open!”

Derpy grinned from ear to ear, her open eyes swiveling in opposite directions. Twilight gave him a disapproving look; she had spoken to him before about mentioning the ‘bad eyes’ thing.

“Oh, I would love that!” Derpy announced. “I could send letters to Rainbow Dash all day!”

Twilight smiled pleasantly. “Indeed you could, Miss Hooves,” she agreed. “I’ll see you later – I need to get to work on this Bell, and Ponyville requires your services.”

Derpy stuck hoof in the air, attempting to mimic a Royal Guard salute but only succeeding in looking like a school filly with a fervent need to answer a question. “Ay, ay, General Twilight!” she declared.

Spike watched with amusement as Derpy swept up her mailbag and took to the air. The weighty burden of the computer no longer slowed the mailpony down, and she soared happily through the sky, weaving about clouds… probably missing the homes she was supposed to drop mail to in the process.

Meanwhile, Twilight had already snatched her package and trotted back inside, leaving Spike at the door. There was a hungry look in the purple unicorn’s eyes as she retrieved the slim computer from the box and elevated the screen. Magic glowed around the device, activating it.

“Beautiful,” Twilight whispered. “A masterpiece of science.”

Spike had rolled his eyes and gone upstairs for awhile, leaving Twilight in peace with her precious ‘computer’. He did not understand what the big deal was or why in Equestria she would need such a thing when she had him around. Then again, he didn’t understand why Twilight would attempt to smuggle a suitcase under her mane whenever she went to the bathroom to take her nightly bath. Spike had often heard crying noises coming from behind the door and had rushed over to investigate, only to be told in a panicked voice, “Don’t worry – it’s just the pipes! They squeak, that’s all! Go play, now, Spike!”

And so, Spike had amused himself by bouncing a ball off a bookshelf, ignoring the high-pitched, rhythmic squeaking of pipes, wondering why it never happened when he took a bath. Eventually, he tired of his game and the mystery of the noise and just answered it all with a mantra he had developed since birth: “Ponies are very strange.”

The faithful mantra reverberated through the young dragon’s head as he sat upstairs with a yo-yo, thinking about Twilight’s need for the computer. With every fall of the little plastic pendulum, he repeated, “Ponies are very strange.”

Computers were strange, too.

“Ponies are very strange.”

Twilight had taught him that things that are alike often went together.

“Ponies are strange. Computers are strange.”

So, he left the matter alone, and prayed to Celestia that nice ponies like Derpy would someday get to use such strange, magical devices.

It was only a week later that Spike’s mantra had started to go on heavy mental rotation.

Every night, Twilight had used the computer, staying up till all hours doing whatever computers were meant for, her eyes nearly pressed to the screen. Spike had sat on the stairs watching her in secret, marveling at how she could stay like that for hours on end. Every so often, she would make an odd facial expression – one of terror, one of happiness, one of shock, and some odd ones Spike only witnessed mares giving stallions in spring. It seemed that the computer had replaced books for Twilight during the nighttime.

Now, this was not necessarily a bad thing – Spike did not have to clean up so many books, after all, since reading traffic had slowed down so tremendously. Twilight’s nocturnal computer activities also assured that he was asleep by the time she took her baths, so he no longer had to hear the high-pitched squeaking of those darn pipes. Spike did, however, begin to get worried when he found Twilight missing during the day.

Where could that pony have gone? he thought. And why didn’t she take me with her?

Loud noises in the basement answered the initial question. Upon first hearing the scuffling noises downstairs, Spike had panicked, believing that monsters had entered the library. He hid inside a cupboard with a pot on his head, cowering in the darkness as the noises continued. Spike thought of all the awful things that could be down there destroying their basement, remembering all the parasprites, crazed ponies, buffalos, and diamond dogs they had dealt with in the past.

Diamond dogs? he thought. Is that it? Did they come back?

Spike was instantly reminded of Rarity and the bravery he had found in himself in their rescue of the beautiful pony from the (surprisingly stupid) diamond dogs. That bravery drew fire in his heart while sitting in the cupboard, pushing him to take the pot off of his head, rise up, and charge down to the basement. He would find those monsters and he would get rid of every single one! There was no taking the library from him!

Except that the beast in the basement already owned and lived in the library.

“Twi?” Spike gasped. “What are you doing down here?”

The purple pony had whipped her head around, abandoning the shelves she was busily organizing to stare at her Number One Assistant. Silence filled the air as thoughts collided in both of their confused minds.

“I’m… I’m taking care of some cleaning,” Twilight replied.

Spike gave her a confused look and asked, “Why didn’t you ask me to do it?”

“Well, you see… You… You work so hard, Spike! So very, very hard, and I thought I might as well do this myself to give you a break. Yes – I wanted to relieve you of your duties for just a bit.”

Spike looked at the open boxes scattered around the basement. They were full of magical implements and instruction books that had been taken from the shelves upstairs. In the far corner on a little table sat Twilight’s computer, its screen halfway down, disguising its contents.

“Why do you need to clean this place up?” asked Spike. “We never use the basement.”

“Yes, but I feel we should be prepared for an emergency in which we do need to use it. Ponyville is very strange, after all, and very strange things often happen in very strange places at very strange times.”

Tell me about it, thought Spike.

“So, just run along, now. I don’t want you lifting a single claw to help me, Spike,” Twilight stated.

“Are you sure you don’t want help?”

“Positive! I won’t let a friend like you work when he doesn’t have to. The basement is my responsibility.”

“But –”

“No ‘buts’, Spike. Promise me you will stay out of the basement.”

Spike took another look around at all the odd materials Twilight had dragged down with her. He could feel some sort of nervousness in back of his mind and wondered if he was having some sort of “Spiky Sense,” like Pinkie had with her odd feelings.

“Well… if you say so, Twilight.”

“That’s not a promise.”

Spike sighed, shrugged, and said, “I promise to never go into the basement without you.”

Twilight’s face lit up with pleasure and she cried, “Excellent! I knew I could count on you! Now, run along and leave me to my work, please.”

The young dragon nodded obediently and turned to go up the stairs. But just before exiting, a thought came to him that he had been inconsiderate in keeping up with Twilight’s activities. He peered over his shoulder and asked, “How is that computer working for you, by the way?”

A very unnerving look crossed Twilight’s face: a mix of happiness, private knowledge, and distinctive hunger. “Oh, it is working tremendously,” she answered. “I feel better than ever, now. Thank you, Spike.”

Spike opened his mouth to ask another question, but was cut off by a single thought of, “Ponies are very strange.”

Right – ponies were strange. And Twilight was a pony.

So, he left the matter alone, and prayed to Celestia that Twilight Sparkle would not end up hurting herself in her basement-clearing mission.

Of all the ponies Spike knew, he considered Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity to be the hardest working mares in the land. Logic – which Twilight often preached about to the young dragon and any unfortunate pony who agreed to listen to a “quick lecture” – led Spike to believe that if anyone could figure out what was going on with Twilight, it was either Applejack or Rarity. After three days of hearing scuffling noises float under the basement door, Spike set out to visit the other two workers to inquire about the nature of determination.

Rarity was, of course, the first mare Spike set out to see.

The Boutique was as beautiful and clean as ever. Upon entering, Spike almost collided with Sweetie Belle, who was lying asleep on the floor, having spent a tiring morning keeping the Boutique up to Rarity’s standards. She woke instantly upon feeling a clawed toe poke her in the side and yawned like a great beast. The filly turned her head and gazed at Spike with watery eyes.

“Spike,” she murmured. “Hi.”

“Sweetie Belle, what are you doing on the floor?”

The filly raised a flaccid hoof and waved it slowly around the room as she said, “Cleaned all the things. Made it nice and good. I’m tired, now.”

Spike nodded; the Boutique, free of any sort of misplacement or debris, looked like it had undergone a seriously taxing treatment. He pet Sweetie Belle on the head, feeling sympathetic, and said, “I know how that feels – the library’s almost always messy. Except lately…”

This admission seemed to wake Sweetie Belle a bit. She raised her head, almost tangling Spike’s claws in her pretty hair, and asked, “Whatdoyamean? Isn’t Twilight working?”

“Not really. She got this new computer thing and it’s eating up all of her time.”

The filly’s eyes widened. “I had to clean the Boutique,” she said, “because Rarity’s been on her computer. She’s been too busy using it to clean up when she’s done making dresses.”

Now, that was strange.

“Rarity’s been sucked into the computer, too?”

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle gasped. “She stays up all night and always tells me to leave when I ask what she’s doing. Hides the screen and everything.”

“… Do the pipes squeak when she takes a bath?”

“No. The machines in her bedroom make noises whenever she comes back from visiting the spa with Fluttershy, though! But I never see any dresses in there afterwards. Why do the machines run if she’s not making anything? They’re so loud!”

Spike placed a claw on his chin and thought for a moment.

Ponies are very strange.

“But this is too weird to ignore,” he whispered.

Sweetie Belle rolled over on her back. She closed her eyes and moaned in frustration, then halfheartedly kicked the floor with her hooves. “It’s not fair!” she said. “I’m a unicorn – why can’t I use the computer thingy?”

Spike shrugged. He helped Sweetie Bell up and asked, “Do you know where Rarity is?”

“Upstairs with the dumb computer. She locks the door, now, so you can’t get in.”

The young dragon shook his head; there was no asking Rarity for help, it seemed. Sweetie Belle also shook her head and sighed deeply. “I don’t understand grownups, Spiky,” she admitted.

“I don’t understand ponies,” he replied. “I guess we’re the only ones who aren’t crazy.”

Sweetie Belle’s face lit up and she giggled. “Yeah,” she said. “We’re smarter than everyone!”

“Right. So, how about you try to figure out what Rarity’s doing with her computer, and I try to figure out what’s going on with Twilight?”

“Okay. Ooh – maybe I’ll get a detective cutie mark!”

“Good thinking, Sweetie Bell. Start soon, okay?”

“Sure thing, Spike. Bye!”

Spike said goodbye as well and departed from Rarity’s Boutique.

It was strange enough to find out Sweetie Bell had the same problem as Spike – but discovering that Apple Bloom had the same thing to complain about was downright eerie.

“This – this is impossible!” the young dragon declared. “Only unicorns can use those computer things!”

“Not anymore,” replied Apple Bloom. “Applejack got her computer custom-made. Ah dunno what it’s used for, but mah sister never answers me when Ah ask her why she has it.”

“Has she stopped working?”

“No, but she’s always in her bedroom at night. We can’t get her outta it!”

Spike plopped himself down on an old tree stump and shook his head. “This is really, really strange,” he said. “Do you think it’s a conspiracy?”

“Whatsa conspiracy?”

“… I don’t know, actually. I’ve heard it used about these kinds of problems, though.”

“Oh. Well, I’m not a dictionary, so I dunno.”

Spike stared into the distance at the setting sun. The falling orb of flame reminded him of the Princess of Day; maybe Celestia would know what was going on, but he couldn’t just run to Canterlot without an invitation to ask her.

“This is stupid,” Spike grumbled. “What’s so good about a computer?”

Apple Bloom shrugged and offered, “Grownup mare stuff?”

“Like what?”

“I dunno. Applebucking tips, probably.”

Spike doubted that Twilight was using her new toy to learn how to applebuck, but he did not speak his mind to Apple Bloom; the filly was just as confused as he was and simply trying to offer answers as she saw fit. Spike thanked her for her time, said goodbye, and headed home to the library to toss a ball against some bookshelves and think.

Four days passed since Spike had made his rounds to the Boutique and Sweet Apple Acres. On the first day, he had discovered Twilight – surprisingly – seated at the kitchen table in the morning, kicking her legs idly as she crunched some breakfast. This was the first time he had seen her out of the basement and Spike delighted in joining her at the table.

“How’d the cleaning go?” he asked happily.

“Well, thank you.”

“Are you gonna get back to reading, now?”

“Yup.”

That answer had smacked Spike’s senses like a hoof out of the blue. He stared at Twilight, who never answered a question with one word, and especially never said, ‘Yup.’

“Are you feeling okay?”

Twilight nodded.

“Um… Twilight… You know I love and tolerate you more than anyone, but, honestly, you’ve been kind of weird, lately.”

The pony shrugged and said, “You haven’t seen me.”

“I know, but even before the basement, you’ve been kind of…”

Twilight stared at him evenly, waiting for him to finish his sentence.

Spike swallowed his words and said, “I’m going to go play with the Cutie Marks today.”

A grand smile filled the unicorn’s face.

“If you need me, I’ll be at the Boutique or Sweet Apple Acres.”

“I know,” said Twilight.

“Oh… Okay, then. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

Spike hopped down from his chair and walked rather stiffly to the door. He wasn’t all too sure that the Twilight Sparkle at the table was the same one he had ordered a computer for. The table Twilight was also different from the Twilight that had been in the basement, and even she had been odd.

Just as Spike reached the door, the unicorn spoke: “Hey, Spike?”

“Yeah?” asked the dragon.

A long pause filled the air. Twilight Sparkle continued to look at her breakfast, her face turned away from Spike. A chilly, nervous feeling was overcoming Spike, spurring him to stammer out a question, but was cut off just as it formed in his mind.

“Don’t go into the basement, mmkay?” Twilight asked. “After all, you promised.”

Spike stood still as a statue, his claws on the door handle. That nervous feeling was making his tail twitch and he wondered what that would have meant for Pinkie Pie. “Okay,” he finally said. “Goodbye, now.”

“Goodbye. Have fun.”

Spike left without another word, the cold chasing him all the way to the Boutique despite the summer sun pouring down on his little body.

The second and third days since the launch of Spike’s joint-investigation with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom passed without incident, especially due to the fact that Twilight Sparkle had locked herself in her room each day and could not be conversed with. Spike began to feel a little bit neglected… and more than a little unnerved when Twilight emerged from her bedroom after sunset. She had her computer with her (naturally) and made her way speedily to the basement door. The door always closed with a soft click – Twilight’s form of being ‘sneaky’.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom had nothing to report. Rarity and Applejack continued their odd behavior, abandoning their sisters in favor of whatever magical world lay inside of their computers. Apple Bloom did note, however, that late one night, she heard some tiptoeing around the house. “She was probly goin’ to the bathroom, though,” Apple Bloom said. “I can’t think of anythin’ else she coulda been doin’.”

While Twilight had been in her room on the third day, Spike had made an effort to visit Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. Pinkie had been her usual bubbly, cotton-candy headed self when Spike visited Sugar Cube Corners. He asked her if she had witnessed ‘anything strange’ going on around Ponyville – and instantly regretted it as he received an earful of absolutely every little thing that had interested Pinkie Pie over the past two days. Mrs. Cake had been standing in the doorway to the stock room, shaking her head, eyes full of sympathy as Spike was subjected to a full Pinkie Report.

Rainbow Dash could not be found anywhere in Ponyville or above it. There were pegasi floating around who attested to Dash’s absence, declaring that they had been forced to fill her role as cloud-kickers because no one could track Rainbow down. “Does Dash even have a place to live?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, but we can’t find her in there at any time of the day,” a winged stallion replied. “That mare’s totally M.I.A.”

“Do you know if she owns a computer?” asked Spike.

“A computer? Rainbow Dash couldn’t afford to buy a computer catalog! If she had any access to a computer, it would probably be because she’s with someone who owns one, or she stole a computer for herself.”

Finally, a trip to the benevolent, tamed side to the Everfree Forest revealed that Fluttershy was… well, being Fluttershy. Spike had knocked on the door for a few minutes before hearing the faintest little whisper of, “Hello?”

“Fluttershy, are you in there?” asked Spike. “I need to talk to you.”

The door did not move an inch, and the voice that came from behind it was barely audible: “Oh… um…. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Why not? It’s me, Spike!”

“I… I’m busy with something.”

But – but there’s a baby dragon outside your door! Spike thought miserably.

“Well, do you need any help?” asked the baby dragon.

“Um… no.”

“… Are you sure?”

Several seconds of silence passed followed by a light squeak. Spike heard a quick whisper of, “I’m sorry, I have to go.” Then, all he could hear was fading hoofsteps. Dejected, he turned around, and, staring at his feet, and sat down at the base of Fluttershy’s door.

What is going on!? he mentally shouted.

He felt something soft nudge the side of his head. Spike looked up to see Angel Bunny glaring at him, his tiny paws on his hips and one large white foot tapping in impatience. Spike felt embarrassment warm his face and he stood up, saying, “Oh, sorry, Angel – I didn’t know you needed to get inside.”

To Spike’s shock, the bunny shook his head fervently and held out a paw to signal, ‘Stop.’ Spike obeyed the command. He watched, perplexed, as Angel Bunny drew his limbs together and closed his eyes, composing himself. It was a look he had seen before – an action that meant Angel Bunny had something to say.

The bunny’s eyes snapped open and his eyebrows lowered in determination. He lifted both arms and hunched over in the air, as if above something. The digits of his paws wiggled rapidly and he expressed supreme joy, ogling whatever was in front of him. Spike was mesmerized as the bunny continued his performance by suddenly reaching behind his back and pulling a carrot and a donut out of nowhere. Then, still ogling whatever imaginary thing was in front of him, Angel Bunny shoved the carrot into the hole of the donut and kept thrusting it in and out, making a face of pure ecstasy as he did so – eyes still concentrated on the invisible point of interest. Spike stared wide-eyed, his brain racing to decode the puzzle as Angel Bunny ran through the performance twice more, attacking the invisible thing with wiggly, dancing paws and then penetrating the donut with a vengeance. When he was finally settled, his expression of ecstasy turned to sickened boredom and he tossed both carrot and donut over his furry white shoulders.

Angel Bunny folded his arms and looked expectantly up at Spike.

“Uh…” the dragon stuttered. “That was… uh… very good. Thank you, Angel. You’re going to make a great actor.”

The soon-to-be-actor slapped his own face with a paw, then reached out and slapped the dragon’s. “Hey!” Spike cried.

Angel Bunny grabbed Spike’s head and pointed his face in the direction of Fluttershy’s door. He stuck out a paw and motioned to it over and over in quick succession, stamping his foot as he did so. Then, he did the ‘dancing paw digits’ thing over again, retrieved the carrot and donut at the speed of light, and jackhammered the carrot through the donut like his life depended on it. He then dropped the donut and made a swirly notion with the carrot at his own head, pulled an exaggerated Derpy face, and finished his chain of fervent action by pointing the carrot at Fluttershy’s door like it was a sword.

Spike’s eyes widened immediately. “Oh Celestia!” he cried. “Fluttershy’s being attacked by ninjas!? NOOOO!”

The young dragon sprinted to the door and began slamming his fists on it, screaming, “Open up, Fluttershy! OPEN UP! WE CAN SAVE YOU!”

Spike hammered the door, about ready to break it down. The only thing that stopped him was the smack of a carrot made sticky by donut glaze striking the back of his head. He turned around to face Angel Bunny, who looked totally exasperated. The fluffy white animal sat on his tiny rump and placed his chin on his fist. Together, he and Spike waited to see if Fluttershy would come to the door.

No response.

Spike looked at Angel Bunny, who merely shook his head in disappointment and walked away. The young dragon thought of giving interpretation of the bunny’s acting another go, but one glance at his irritated expression eliminated the idea. Spike shrugged and said, “A ninja attack was all I got. If that’s not it, then I don’t know what’s going on.”

Now finished with his investigation, Spike left the Everfree Forest and went back to the library, where Twilight would surely be out of sight behind the basement door.

The fourth day brought nothing – but the fourth night finally presented a crack in the case.

Spike had been in his bed upstairs, slowly drifting to sleep, his eyes trained on the window to the bedroom he and Twilight shared – (or used to share, now that the basement had become her place of solace). The night had come hours ago and Spike could still not fully attain sleep. He would come to the edge of darkness, only to be re-awoken by an odd feeling, as if someone had internally jabbed his mind. So, the young dragon stared out the window at the night sky, taking in the sight of the full moon.

Celestia, he prayed, I don’t know if you really can hear prayers, because I’ve been too embarrassed to ask you about that old pony myth. I’ve also been afraid to send you a letter, because I don’t want to make a big deal out of something that’s probably nothing, but I’m really nervous, now. It’s Twilight, you see. Twilight, and Rarity, and Applejack, and Fluttershy, and even Rainbow Dash. They’re all acting really weird and not talking to anypony – or anydragon. I’m worried about them and just… I was just wondering if you could help, that’s all. Love, Spike.

Spike spent the next few minutes if ending it with “love” was somehow crossing a line. Wasn’t that how you were supposed to address ponies you cared about? And didn’t everyone love Princess Celestia?

The young dragon pulled a blanket up to his chin and pressed it under his neck. He was so beyond tired, now – sick of all the craziness and tired of being kept awake and worried. If something didn’t break soon, he wasn’t sure what would happen.

Just as he was about to close his eyes, the beautiful visage of the moon was interrupted by a passing flash of black.

Spike rose up in bed. His mind instantly replayed what he had just seen: a pegasus dropping out of the sky, headed towards earth. And for all the things about ponies Spike did not know do to their strangeness, he did know that pegasi almost never flew at night.

He also knew that it was very uncommon to hear the backdoor to the library opening late at night.

Spike leapt on the bookshelf under Twilight’s window and stuck his head out. He could just see the back door closing – and the back door only led to one area of the library. It was an area he had never really been in, and recently, had been banned from entering. That area had an entrance inside the library itself with a locked door.

A pegasus was entering the basement.

Spike hopped off the bookshelf onto his bed and crouched there for a moment, thinking of a plan. There was an intruder in the basement for real this time and he needed to investigate.

The young dragon made his way soundlessly to Twilight’s dresser, where the drawers were filled with far more books and magical tools than clothes. He opened the very bottom drawer and rummaged around until he felt the energetic glow of the enchanted skeleton key. Spike pulled it out and hung the key around his neck by its lace loop. Then, (just in case), he headed over to his side of the room and grabbed a wooden hammer.

“If I go down,” he whispered, “I go down fighting.”

He crept down the stairs without making a sound, thanking Celestia the whole time that most of the library had been carved from solid wood. The main floor was empty of living beings; Owlowiscious was out for the night, getting himself food, as Twilight’s nocturnal existence in the basement had left him without a caretaker. Spike walked to the door to the basement slowly, his little heart kicking up its beat a notch with every step. He shifted his wooden hammer to his left claws and removed the enchanted key from his neck. Twilight had made the key just before they moved to Ponyville, in case the previous occupants had forgotten to leave the key to each door.

This was it – the basement mystery was about to be solved. Spike hesitated for a moment, holding the key inches away from the lock, feeling his claws vibrate with magical power. He remembered the promise he had made to Twilight and felt his heart pang with guilt.

But there was an intruder, and Spike would not let Twilight get hurt!

He plunged the key into the lock, turned it, and opened the door.

Never in his entire life had Spike been so confused.

From the few glimpses he’d had of the basement, he knew it to be a big space, only illuminated by an object brought down with the visitor, because no windows allowed external light to enter. It had been filled with boxes and lined with bookshelves. There had been much cleaning to do in order to make it functional, which Twilight had assured Spike she had been doing: “cleaning the basement.”

Except that it wasn’t a basement anymore.

Spike felt his little wooden hammer slip from his claws as he took in the sight of a sprawling landscape. Trees lined either side of the path he stood on and traveled down a great hill towards a massive castle. The moon was bigger than it should have been: a giant golden sphere in the sky casting light all over, but not bright enough to shatter the dark atmosphere of night. And on top of that, everything seemed… odd. Just odd.

Particularly strange was the sight of an animal Spike had never seen carrying a mare on its back across the path three yards in front of him. The animal was way larger than the mare and looked absolutely insane: its coat came in all different colors, hanging off its body instead of attached to the skin, which was completely hairless except for the top of its head, where the mane was long and brown. The thing was running on just two legs – two legs! – and holding onto the gleeful mare’s back legs with its own forelegs, did not end in hooves, but claws similar to Spike’s own, except with skin instead of scales.

“Go, Leonardo, go!” the mare cried with joy.

“Tieni duro, mia bella raggazza!” the odd animal cried back.

Spike watched, stunned and utterly confused, as the mare and its obscure pet disappeared into the woods. He continued to stare at the spot where he had last seen them, unable to generate a single thought. His left eye began twitching and he shook his head.

“I don’t… I… what?” he asked.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were never going to believe this.

Spike took a moment to pull himself together, thinking about the time Discord got loose and turned everything crazy. Apparently, this just happened to be one of those times. And if there was some loony spirit messing everything up, then it was up to Spike to put things back to normal. The dragon seized his wooden hammer and continued down the stone path.

On second thought, he should have let the world fall to chaos.

Along Spike’s journey to the grand castle in the distance, he had witnessed things that he sincerely wished to unsee. The absurd animals were everywhere, either entertaining overjoyed ponies or entertaining each other and being drooled over by ponies while doing it. Spike had a distinct feeling that it was Hearts and Hooves Day in whatever sick universe he had fallen into, because there was a whole lot of nasty loving going on. The freakish animals were in love; the ponies were in love with the animals who loving each other; and mares and stallions were loving the animals in obscene, disturbing ways the likes of which Spike felt he was far too young to know about. At one particular moment, he heard the kind of squeaking he would hear whenever Twilight used the bathroom and upset the pipes, so he went to investigate where it came from, hoping to find his best friend simply bathing in some obscure trans-dimensional bathroom.

Instead, he saw a pony on a bed in the middle of the forest with an animal that seemed to have shed its entire coat, revealing to Spike a body composed of smooth, off-white skin. The animal was on top of the pony, its forelegs on the mare’s shoulders, and it seemed to be bumping the poor thing’s tail end with its body, making it squeal just like the pipes in the library. Spike, utterly perplexed, walked closer – and froze in his tracks upon recognizing the little yellow pony squealing beneath the animal. He suddenly realized what Angel Bunny had been trying to communicate, as it was plainly obvious that Fluttershy had become a glazed donut, and her strange animal friend was a big, coatless carrot.

It occurred to Spike that if Rainbow Dash were there, she would never question Fluttershy’s ability to yell passionately again. Spike then gave in to his first instinct, which was not to save the mare of kindness from the carrot-wielding ninja, but to drop his wooden hammer and run away.

Oh, he ran so very, very far away.

So far did Spike run that he ended up at the very front gates to the mammoth castle in a record time. The young dragon collapsed, his chest heaving, panting like a pegasus pony who had just strived to win its race.

“Why, what do we have here?”

Spike kept his face to the ground, sucking in breath. He did not want to look up to see who had spoken – and could not if he wanted to, as he was much too tired.

“What an exquisite creature this one is.”

“Indeed, Holmes – I’ve never seen a being with such exquisite markings.”

“Would you like to venture a guess as to the identity of this animal? Naturally, I have my own theory, but as you were the gentleman to first spot it, I believe you have the honor of speaking before I do, dear Watson.”

Spike screwed up an eye and paused in his panting. What kind of accent is that? he thought. Manehattan?

“Alright. I do deduce that this creature is a dragon, as its markings are incredibly similar to that of the extraordinary beasts pictured in books of fantasy. It is, however, a very small dragon, which either means it is a child, or we have stumbled across a dug wearing an incredibly clever disguise.”

Spike’s heart dropped into his stomach upon hearing a familiar third voice added to the mix:

“That’s no dog – Ah’ve got a dog, so I know what Ah’m talkin’ about. This here is a pup of another kind… who… Oh, Celestia!”

The newcomer could be heard bolting away at the speed of light. Spike turned around just in time to see one of those strange animals running away down the stone path, whose coat seemed to flow behind her in the wind, decorated with images of ruby-red apples. A very familiar southern hat sat on top of the tall animal’s head. The two male beasts stood on either side of Spike, looking at each other with confused expression.

“Why, this mere pup has scared our beloved Apple Queen!” cried Watson. “She is afraid of no living creature; she is the Great Southern Belle from the Master Land, conqueror of the Buffalo Tribe, and yet, this costumed dog has frightened her!”

“How very out of character,” the one named Holmes mused. “I do believe we have a continuity error.”

“Indeed.”

“Quite.”

“Bother.”

“Buggerish, I’m afraid.”

“A right old situation.”

“A top-shelf tiff.”

“Pure bollocks.”

“Shenanigans, I would say, actually.”

“I still love her. My heart burns like the sun for Apple Queen.”

“As does mine, old boy. Her ability to display fear despite being the strongest, most beautiful, most exotic woman in all of London just makes her that much more incredible.”

“If I were a woman, I would have all her children.”

“I would have her grandchildren.”

“Indeed.”

“Quite.”

“… Say, dear boy, I believe we’ve encountered a problem.”

“A problem, you say?”

“Yes – that dog appears to be missing.”

“The costumed one?”

“The very same.”

“Oh, bollocks.”

I’m not losing my mind, Spike thought. I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind. Ponies are very strange. Ponies are very strange.

Spike cowered inside of a store closet in the great castle, wearing a washbucket on his head, hidden behind a load of brooms. He had taken the very first chance to escape the crazy Manehattan beasts and it had miraculously worked. The young dragon had soared through the first few rooms of the castle like a pegasus until he reached a closet, which he promptly shut himself inside of.

Ponies are very strange, he thought. Ponies are very strange.

He allowed himself to repeat the security mantra for another two minutes before calming down. It was very dark inside the closet, and even darker within the confines of the bucket. When Spike was ready, he removed the bucket from his head and placed it on the floor. Then, he waited – as there was not very much else he could do.

Discord, he thought. It must be discord. He’s turned everyone into crazy animals, and he even got –

NO… he wouldn’t think of her. To think of the strongest mare he knew as captured by Discord’s evil magic would be to sentence her to that fate, and Spike would not let his friend down. Instead, he let his head hang in the palms of his claws and thought for a moment, letting Twilight’s famous “logic” kick in.

I saw a pegasus flying outside the library. I saw an intruder go through the back door. The back door goes into the basement. I opened the basement door. I was supposed to end up in the basement. I ended up in a crazy place. So, the intruder made the basement a crazy place. I have to find a crazy pegasus, because the intruder had to have been a pegasus. But the pegasus has to be able to do magic. Trixie is bad and could do magic, but she’s a unicorn. So, the intruder is somepony we’ve never met.

Logic.

Discord isn’t a pony. Only alicorns can fly and do magic on their own, and the Princesses are both good, now. Pegasi would have to steal magic to use it.

So, a stolen artifact, like the key Spike used to get inside.

“Inside of where, though?” he asked himself.

The illusion. It’s the basement, but magic made it a weird illusion place.

“Oh, okay. Now what?”

Save Twilight.

“How?”

Um… find her, I guess. Something like that.

“Well… alright.”

Eeeyup.

Spike inhaled a deep, confident breath, and exited the closet.

There were no odd animals in sight, thankfully. Spike had passed a few of the freaky beings during his frantic escape, but they took no notice of him; most were busy with each other or an admiring pony. The dragon headed in the opposite direction of the one he had taken to the closet. In his claws, he held a real hammer that had been hanging in the storage closet.

That evil pegasus was gonna get clobbered!

Navigating the castle was no easy task; as much as the alternate world looked like an obscure Canterlot outside, the alternate castle did not resemble Celestia and Luna’s. Spike traveled around with his hammer held at the ready, although none of the talking animals bothered him. Along the way, he witnessed some incredibly strange things, like how the animals all had vastly different coats and manes, and how they all spoke with different accents or talked in different languages entirely. Most of the animals outside of locked rooms – which were full of squeaking noises, Spike noted – were paired up or in groups. These groups were so wildly unique, each animal in the little collectives looking highly dissimilar to each other in coats, manes, and facial features. Spike noticed that, like ponies, some had features besides coats and manes that others didn’t, like tails and wings. What disturbed Spike to the point of freezing was seeing crosses of the new, nearly-hairless animals and common creatures that could have been found around and inside of Fluttershy’s home.

Spike promptly discontinued all thought of Fluttershy after suddenly remembering his most recent encounter with the (normally) quiet pony.

The dragon grew increasingly nervous as he traveled about the castle. He kept running into highly muscular hairless animals who were cavorting with other muscular hairless animals. Sometimes, he saw a pony or two – but they were usually being accompanied by the animals into rooms where there were a lot of coatless beasts and immense squealing and laughing. Some of the animals made him do a double-take, as their coats held designs resembling cutie marks he had seen around Ponyville.

Still, Spike trudged on, determined to find Twilight Sparkle and rescue her from the insane world of freaky beasts and intense, promiscuous ‘bathing.’

It was not long before the young dragon discovered what appeared to be a princess’s hall.

There was, for the first time, a high number of ponies and animals alike. On one side of the room stood a full line of ponies were headed through a set of guarded doors. On the other side, there was another set of doors guarded by animals, in which a line of animals were leaving. A team of stallions and animals both stood by the front entrance to this massive hall yelling, “Ponies who wish to enter the Mare Sue chambers, join the line on the left! Ponies to the left! Mare Sues, stand to the right and exit promptly!”

‘Mare Sues’ – that’s what those freaky animals were called!

Spike hung back, peering around the corner of a hallway. He could see some sort of throne in the ‘Mare Sue’ chambers that sat between the lines against the far wall. Some sort of female Mare Sue sat on the throne, surrounded by many males and females. She was absolutely beautiful and barely wore a coat. Shining purple hair traveled down past her shoulders and settled on two big, barely-concealed mounds on the front of her chest. All the Mare Sues around the throne definitely seemed to be worshipping her, and many of them were barely dressed, too.

Spike had fought enough evildoers alongside his friends to recognize that whoever had the coolest position in a group of bad guys was obviously the leader. A throne was like an arrow pointing directly to the villain.

“Alright,” Spike said. “I’m coming to take you down!”

The young dragon steadied his grip on his hammer and concentrated on the space between the lines of ingoing ponies and outgoing Mare Sues. All it would take was one sprint up that aisle, straight to the throne. He could jump up on the evil queen Mare Sue’s lap and demand the location of Twilight.

Rarity would be so proud!

Spike raised his hammer above his head, took a deep breath, prepared to sprint –

And nearly dropped his weapon on his temple in shock upon seeing a rainbow-maned mare join the line of ponies. Her light blue coat stood out like a bonfire in the night.

“Ruh-ruh…” gasped Spike. “Rainbow Dash?”

The mare grinned at another pony behind her and spread her wings, revealing the familiar cutie mark. Spike felt his brain stop functioning as pristine white-coated, purple-maned mare suddenly joined Rainbow Dash in line. She tossed her perfectly coifed mane to the side and whispered in Rainbow’s ear. They both had a good laugh and Dash stopped looking so embarrassed all of a sudden.

“Noooo,” Spike moaned.

But just as he had seen Fluttershy in the woods earlier and knew without a doubt it was her, Spike also knew this mare’s identity. It was – undoubtedly – the most beautiful, most glorious, most stylish Rarity. Spike shook in place, his little heart swelling in his chest, and he felt just as he had when Angel Bunny had tricked him about the vicious ninjas.

“NOOOOOOO!” Spike cried, and he sprinted towards his two beloved friends like a bolt of lightning.

Everypony that was still a pony turned around in surprise. A look of shock and dismay stood out on Dash and Rarity’s faces, and the guards were so stunned that they did nothing as the young dragon ran up to the pony line. He leapt up and wrapped his arms around Rarity’s neck and cried into her coat, “Don’t do it! They’re gonna change you!”

He sobbed into her pretty white neck and held on for dear life, even as he felt a Mare Sue pull at his legs. The strength of Spike’s love battled the strength of the Mare Sue’s arms for several chaotic seconds before someone yelled, “STOP!”

Spike’s legs came free of the attacker’s grip – but then his own grip loosened, pried open by magic. He suddenly found himself flying through the air away from his two mare friends. Rarity looked shocked and guilty; Rainbow Dash looked humiliated and confused. Spike reached out to them even as the purple field of magic tore him across the Mare Sue chambers, trying in vain to grab hold of his friends.

He had failed! He had failed!

The next moment, Spike found himself dangling in mid-air, face-to-face with Queen Mare Sue. Dark purple eyes were widened in a shocked face.

“Spike!” gasped the Queen Sue. “What are you doing here?!”

In an instant, the horrible smooth skin of the Queen began to disappear, replaced by a load of familiar, light purple hair. The great mounds on her chest flattened out and she shrunk, her body contorting, the flimsy, barely-concealing coat falling off. Within seconds, Spike realized that he actually had not failed after all.

He had found Twilight Sparkle, safe and sound.

“Twi?” he whispered. “What’s going on? Why were you hiding?”

There were very few times in which Spike had seen his best friend embarrassed. After asking his question, he witnessed her at her absolute worst – a humiliated Twilight Sparkle who looked like she wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole on the moon and hide for a thousand years.

“I…” muttered Twilight. “Well, you see, Spike… Um. I – I can explain, I swear! Or maybe I can’t, you won’t understand, probably.”

One of the male mare sues looked up at Twilight with a concerned gaze. “Is this scaly monster bothering you, my beloved?” he asked sincerely.

Twilight’s embarrassment became so great that the red in her face outshone her coat. “No, Ptolemy,” she said. “I’m going to be just fine.”

A bearded, muscular Mare Sue rose and drew a sword. “I can slay him on sight for you, my darling!” he declared.

“That won’t be necessary, Mark Antony!”

A blonde-maned female with red lips and a white coat placed her smooth claws on Twilight’s hoof. “Feeling stressed, sexy?” she asked.

Spike would swear that his best friend turned scarlet with humiliation at the Mare Sue’s touch.

“I’m very calm, Marilyn,” Twi said. “No need for ‘that’ treatment, thank you.”

Finally, Spike could take no more interruption; he spat out, “What the hay is going on?!”

The sound of hooves on tile came behind him. Twilight Sparkle levitated Spike into her lap and released her magic grip. He glanced behind his shoulder to see a very humbled Rarity and Rainbow Dash sitting before the throne.

“Spike, darling,” crooned Rarity, “this isn’t what it looks like.”

“I’m not like that, I swear!” Rainbow Dash suddenly cried. “I like ponies, really! Male ponies!”

All the Mare Sues gathered around Twilight’s throne turned to look at her with sarcastic grins. The cyan pegasus blushed and looked down at the floor. Rarity, despite her embarrassment, shook her head and said, “Rainbow Dash, you can call the sky brown all you like, but everypony knows it to be undeniably blue.”

“Okay,” admitted Dash.

Spike snorted two jets of hot flame in frustration. “This is ridiculous!” he exclaimed. “Somepony explain this to me! I’ve seen things tonight that would give Discord nightmares!”

Twilight hugged him tight and said, “Okay, okay, just settle down. If you… if you promise not to laugh at us, I’ll explain it.”

Spike rolled his eyes and muttered, “I promise.”

Twilight Sparkle looked all around the hall and realized that she was being stared at by ponies and people alike. The Mare Sues in particular looked upset.

“Well,” began Twi,” do you remember how I needed that computer?”

“That dumb thing that took up all your time and made you a zombie pony?” asked Spike. “Yeah, I remember that.”

“Okay – I will admit I went overboard. And you should have gotten an answer when you asked why I needed it. So, allow me to explain, please:

“A few weeks ago, I read this great novel, by Harpsichord Lyrica. It was about this alternate world populated by these really cool animals called ‘humans.’ They were so, so much better than ponies, Spike! I loved the idea of them so much – everything they did, everything they were. I… I kind of fell in love with humans.”

“Kind of?”

“Okay! I fell in love with humans a lot. And I know it was just a work of fiction, but I really, really did feel something! So… when I asked some other ponies if they had read Lyrica’s book… I found out that there were people who made stories about humans on the Equestrinet.”

“And you needed a computer to log onto the Equestrinet.”

“Exactly. So, I started reading these stories, called ‘fan fiction,’ which – well, the name is pretty self-explanatory, actually, so, let’s skip that part. I really, really began to enjoy it. And there were so many ponies who loved humans, too! There was a whole website full of human fan fiction! Oh, and ‘fap fiction’ too, which is human-speak for clop fiction.”

Spike’s face took on a blank expression. “What’s ‘clop’?” he asked.

“Uh… something Rainbow Dash reads much more often than I do.”

“Hey!” cried Dash indignantly.

Everyone around dropped sarcastic, knowing grins on Rainbow once more. She looked at the floor again and whispered, “Okay, yeah, you got me there, too. Feel proud, featherbrains.”

“Anyway,” Twilight sighed. “I just become really enamored with it all, and I thought I could perform a spell to make the website a real, live place, so everypony could experience it!”

“That’s why you needed the basement?”

“Yes. The basement was where I would cast the spell each night to make it all real. I could take the website off of the Equestrinet and turn it into an actual location in the library’s basement. Which, you know, I did. I also told Rarity and Rainbow Dash about the site, because they loved Lyrica’s book, too. In fact, the novel is the highest-selling book in recent Ponyville years.

“So, I got the basement ready and cast the spells each night, inviting anypony who would enjoy it here. Spike, welcome to HAMFiction.group – the actual place.”

“HAM? What’s that?”

“’Hands Are Magic.’”

“… Oh. Are hands, like, a grownup part?”

Rarity suddenly piped up, “Well, darling, ordinarily, no – but in the realm of Lyrica’s humans, hands can become a highly effective tool of pleas –”

“Rarity, please,” Twilight interjected. “He’s still a baby.”

Spike shook his head in sorrow and whispered, “Not after Fluttershy.”

“So,” Twilight continued, “this is what I’ve been working on. The strange creatures around us are all humans, transformed from characters in Harpsichord Lyrica’s stories into living people by magic. The room we’re in right now is called the ‘Mare Sue Chamber,’ where ponies can make their own human characters by stepping through the door to my right.”

“So, these humans are ponies?”

“Yes, Spike. The stories on HAMFiction.group are full of Mare Sues.”

“And fap fiction,” added Rainbow Dash.

“Usually in a combination,” commented Rarity.

Spike gazed around the room once more, realizing that the weird humans he’d seen with coat designs resembling cutie marks had actually been Mare Sues – ponies who made themselves human through Twilight’s illusion. He examined the room and mentally reviewed all that Twilight Sparkle had told him before turning his gaze back on her.

“Alright,” said Spike. “So, if I have this right, then you and everypony in this room – everypony reading HAMFiction and writing stories for it – are stuck on fictional characters from a series of novels based on an entirely different species than ponies. And you’re so in love with this fictional stuff that you spend all your time and energy trying to make it real so you can make your own Hearts and Hooves Day with these characters by turning yourselves into ‘Mare Sues’?”

“Well, some of us actually just like to see erotic encounters between Lyrica’s characters,” Rarity said. “Personally, I believe Mare Sue writers should truly attempt to leave their computers more. They should go to Sugar Cube Corners or my Boutique and meet some real mares and stallions.”

“Yeah, but action with one of Lyrica’s humans would be so bucking hot,” Rainbow Dash squealed.

Marilyn Monroe smiled at Rainbow and said, “Thanks, babe.”

Spike stared at the claws of his feet for a moment, taking in the words of his friends. “So, everything I just said, plus what Rainbow and Rarity said?” he asked.

“Exactly,” replied Twilight.

“Twi… that is extremely unhealthy.”

Twilight’s face blew up with embarrassment. “Well,” she said, “I mean… It’s not like… I don’t do it all day.”

“And a little fantasy is good for you, darling!” Rarity commented.

“They’re an imaginary species with bodies that are totally different from ponies.”

Dash’s cheeks lit red as she muttered, “No one is getting hurt, though.”

“Except you,” Spike sighed. “You all loved Harpsichord Lyrica’s books so much that it actually inspired you to create additions to that world. But what everypony doesn’t realize is that the energy they’re spending doing all that writing and magic to make more stuff about humans can be used making art on their own that other people will love just like Lyrica’s stuff. Why make it so that Lyrica’s books are the only good ones out there? Everypony can add to the library with their own original stuff, especially if they’re talented enough to be loved on HAMFiction!

“And, honestly… why clop to things that don’t exist when you can go out, meet a stallion, and have a real squeaky time instead of an imaginary one? Why does Fluttershy, who is a perfectly beautiful mare even though she’s so shy and small-voiced, have to resort to being loved in a world that doesn’t really exist? I’m in love with Rarity, but, you know, I’d definitely take a bath with Fluttershy!”

The entire room fell silent.

Spike had stood up on the cushion of Twilight’s throne mid-speech and was staring out at the entire room. Nobody moved; nopony spoke. It was as if Twilight’s spell had been frozen by Spike’s logic. He had used the tool Twilight had given him to bring light to darkness.

Or not, as immediately after something flew across the room and pain suddenly exploded in Spike’s forehead, everything went totally black.

During the course of his retelling the story, young Spike had shifted relentlessly on Dr. Schach’s cot, twisting and turning with the emotional highs and lows of the memories. Now finished with his narration, he turned to gaze at Roar Schach the lion-pony with a blank expression.

“Well,” the dragon sighed. “That’s all I remember. I told them what I thought, then someone threw a hammer at me, and I woke up here this morning in that white room with all the cushions.”

Dr. Schach let his clipboard sink to the floor. The professional shifted in his wheelie chair and looked directly at Spike.

“You are telling me,” he said, “that in the face of attainment of ultimate fantasy through writing or drawing, when you may truly mate with the fictional beings of your dreams, despite how far from your own species they may be, that you reject the opportunity and instead seek an actual, living being of your own species to mate and share a life with?”

Spike blinked his big green eyes and said, “Well… yeah.”

Dr. Roar Schach squinted with professional malice.

“You, sir,” he hissed, “are going into the same cell with Ditzy Doo!”