Ambassador Zapp Brannigan

by Bendy

Rating: mature
Tags: Science Fiction, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Sex
Length: 1884

Zapp Brannigan, the best war hero and most sexy man in the universe is chosen as the ambassador to the newly discovered planet dubbed Equis. What could possibly go wrong?

Zapp Brannigan, the greatest war hero and the most sexiest manliest man in the entire universe is chosen as ambassador to the newly discovered planet named Equis, where he will meet face to face with Princess Celestia.

What could possibly go wrong?

Mature Rated For: sexfully, dark humor, adult humor and .... uh well ... Zapp Brannigan.

Should not be taken seriously. This Futurama crossover was made quite simply for silliness' sake.

Published 2013-05-24 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-24 20:20:01 UTC

Zapp Brannigan And The Ponies

Zapp Brannigan, the greatest war hero and the most sexiest manliest man in the whole universe was chosen as the ambassador to the newly discovered planet named Equis by the natives, which was within the Horsehead Nebula. The one, the only Zapp will represent Humanity and the Democratic Order of Planets to introduce the many sapient natives of Equis into the intergalactic community.

This will be his most erotic adventure yet. For with Zapp on the job, nothing could go wrong.

Zapp was on board the flagship of the DOOP, the Nimbus, where he was preparing for his meeting with Princess Celestia.

The fat, arrogant, egoistic man lay naked in a bubble bath, which was made of gold. Zapp admired himself in a golden hand mirror, that he held whilst he was stroking his blonde hair and moaning sexually.

"Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! I really am the sexiest manly man in the entire universe." he said sexfully.

A sigh could be heard from across the room by Lieutenant Kif Kroker, a thin, humanoid, green Amphibiosan alien, whom wore the DOOP's red velour uniform, that consisted of a pair of white rubber gloves and white rubber boots, and also a ridiculously short velour kilt, which all the soldiers in the DOOP military had to wear when Zapp was in command. Also women were no longer allowed in the army with Zapp in command.

"Get over here Kif and shave my legs! I need to look my sexiest for meeting the Princess." he shouted.

Kif sighed again, then walked over holding a pact of shaving cream and a razor. He still couldn’t understand how someone like Zapp was still in the DOOP, especially after last week when he sent The Titanic into a black hole.

When Zapp was told to meet with the alien Ponies and shown pictures of them, he didn't care about that they controlled the weather on their world, apparently spoke English, had magic and the fact that their sun and moon orbited their planet from their princesses' magic, for all he cared about was the erotic big butts of theirs.

For he Zapp Brannigan will be forever known as the first Human to stick the Zapper in them, for he will tell the whole universe about it on the Internet. Just like when he made it with that hot alien babe Leela.

Zapp knew the plight of all primitive sapient aliens, when they first looked up at the stars and dreamt of making it with a hot alien stud like himself.

"Oh and Kif, once you're done shaving my legs, I need you to shave my armpits and the bush of the Zapper." Kif sighed. "Stop sighing!"

As Kif shaved his legs Zapp chuckled remembering the time he was eating a fine buggalo steak in a five star restaurant on Mars, whilst his soldiers on the opposite side of the universe were fighting rampaging Killbots. He used his ingenious tactics in defeating the Killbots, he sent wave after wave of his own men at them, until they reached their kill limit and shutdown. He never used one of those cowardly tactics like the DOOP generals used before him like; bombing them from orbit or sending air strikes to kill the Killbots, such tactics had no place when Zapp Brannigan was in command.

Plus companies like Big Pink and Soylent Cola did give Zapp a lot of money for all the dead soldiers he sent them.

***

The Alicorn Princess Celestia sat on her throne smiling down upon the Mane Six and Spike the baby dragon at the foot of her throne.

"I'm sure he's quite the gentlecolt." said the unicorn Rarity.

"But... but... but what if he's the vanguard of our destruction?" said the pegasus Fluttershy in a low voice.

In response Rarity chuckled while she waved a hoof at her dismissively.

"Oh Fluttershy, you've been reading too many of those silly science fiction novels."

"I dunno Rarity, I reckon she could be right." said Applejack the Earth Pony.

"Then we're doomed!" shouted Spike in terror.

Rainbow Dash flew into the air and slammed her hooves together.

"Hey, even if they are here to attack us we'll beat em!" shouted Rainbow Dash. "Right, Celestia?"

"In all honesty Rainbow Dash, if they are here to declare war on us, we would have absolutely zero chance of victory." she said grimly.

"But-but--

"They have an intergalactic civilization spanning across the entire universe, what hope of victory would we have against such odds?

"You're right, none." she said sadly while looking down at the floor.

"But then again, I guess a portal to another dimension could open to provide us reinforcements against them."

"Uh Celestia, forgive me, but that sounds like hypothetical nonsense to me." said Twilight Sparkle the unicorn.

Pinkie Pie gasped in shock in what Twilight had just said.

"How closed minded of you!" she shouted. "Of course it could happen! For who knows?! Maybe, right now a giant pink cotton candy monster from another universe could come flying out of a transdimensional portal and attack Equestria!"

Pinkie Pie ran over to a window, she sighed in disappointment when a cotton candy monster from another universe didn't come out from a transdimensional portal.

***

In the Nimbus' Bridge, Zapp now fully dressed in his velour uniform, which barely fit over his big fat belly was sat in his chair rubbing his chin with a smug grin on his face.

"Hmm, the Zapper is telling me this is gonna be sexy." He wiggled his hips side to side gaining a look of disgust from Kif sitting near by over at a console. "Kif, if you were a woman, would you have sex with me?"

"Uh, yes captain."

"No one can resist the Zapper." he turned his chair to face Kif. "Right, Kif?"

"Yes. No one can resist the Zapper." he said sarcastically while rolling his eyes.

Zapp smiled to himself being unable to detect Kif's sarcasm.

The Nimbus approached a Earth like planet orbited by the sun and moon.

"Look out Equestria, the Zapper is coming for your mares."

From hearing this Kif's face turned a shade greener than normal as he tried to hold back from vomiting by placing a hand over his mouth. He failed miserably, thus threw up green goo out from his mouth on the floor.

"Kif, go mop that up now!" he shouted.

Kif sighed.

"Yes, captain."

"Good. One day Kif, I shall teach you the art of making love at a woman."

"Uh, thank you sir."

Kif walked away through a sliding metal door behind him. Once Kif was gone, Zapp took a picture out from his pocket of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and the Mane Six smiling.

"Now, which one of these lucky Ponies should I invite to my Lovenasium?"

***

Back in the throne room Rarity shivered briefly in fear.

"What's the matter Rarity?" asked Spike in concern.

"Nothing, I just had a bad feeling."

"Come on girls." said Celestia while walking down from her throne.

***

Back out in space the Nimbus began to descend into the atmosphere of Equis. The Ship flew over the city of Canterlot to land right in front of Celestia's castle. Hundreds of the Royal Guard were stationed outside to guard the Mane Six, Spike and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.

A ramp came down from the ship, followed by dozens of Human DOOP soldiers walking down it, that were armed with laser rifles, whom wore the ridiculously short velour kilts that came with the DOOP uniform.

Tears formed in Pinkie Pie's eyes, she then fell over onto her back laughing hysterically.

"They look so silly!" she shouted.

"Pinkie Pie!" angrily shouted all her friends and the two Princesses.

"Sorry."

Zapp walked down the ramp waving to the Royal Guard, who just blankly stared at him. Once he was done waving he made his way towards the Princesses with a nasty grin on his face.

When he was before Princess Celestia she had reached her right hoof out towards him to greet him, which he didn't shake.

"Welcome Zapp Brannigan. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria."

"Take me to your leader!"

"Uh, I am the leader." she said taken aback by his stupidity.

"Oh. I must say you are one very sexy leader." he said sexfully.

Everyone gasped in shock in what Zapp had just said to their Princess, he then took the liberty of rudely grabbing her right hoof, followed by giving it a kiss while she smiled awkwardly.

"Uhhhh, thank you."

"Now, how about you board my ship so I can introduce you to the Zapper in the Lovenasium."

"I'm flattered really, that an alien species wants to have intercourse with me, but can't we--

"No one can resist the Zapper."

"Can't we talk about something more productive?" she said in a raised voice.

"Aww come on, you'll love the Zapper."

She then screamed in his face using the extremely loud Royal Canterlot Voice.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING TO THIS PLANET ASKING ME FOR SEX?! I'M A PRINCESS AND I EXPECT TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!"

Zapp crossed his arms narrowing his eyes angrily at Celestia.

"Oh, so that's how it's gonna be huh? Well then, I guess since you won't have sex with me, I can't allow you to join the galactic community."

Celestia sighed in defeat.

"How about this? I'll get Lyra Heartstrings to have sex with you."

"Hmm, is she sexy?" he said thoughtfully while rubbing his chin.

"Yes." she said bitterly through gritted teeth.

Celestia horn lit up with a golden aura.

Down in a dark dungeon the angry, green minty unicorn Lyra Heartstrings was frowning with her hooves crossed sitting on the wet stone floor in a cell. She was put in there just in case of a diplomatic incident occurring.

"How come I, the first to predict the coming of the Humans don't get to see them?!

She disappeared in a blinding flash of light, then reappeared before Zapp, upon seeing him she gasped in joy.

"Hmm yes, she is sexy." said Zapp.

Lyra jumped into his arms.

"Take me now you sexy monkey!" she screamed.

"Milady, I shall take you to the Lovenasium you sexy alien horse."

She made a sound like a squeaking ball in response. Zapp then carried her away up the ramp of the ship.

***

Minutes later Lyra and naked Zapp looked awkward while they sat next to one another on a pink love heart shaped bed within the Lovenasium.

"Uh Zapp honey, you're penis is very small." she said softly.

"I know! Don't laugh at it! And Leela was the only woman to ever have sex with me! And it was pity sex." he shouted with tears forming in his eyes.

"Hey." she wrapped a hoof around his waist. "I can fix this little issue."

"How?

"With magic to make it bigger." she said sexfully.

And the they had sex.

Also the races of Equis joined the intergalactic community and were given colony rights as well as many moved to Earth to live among the Humans. Where they had freaky sex with Humans, Aliens, Robots and Cyborgs.

The End