Forgotten Memories

I watch as my kingdom falls around me. Canterlot burns, not at the rage of an enemy power or at the mercy of nature, but at the hands of decent ponies. I can hardly believe what I see, but I understand it. It is a just reaction to an unjust action by their beloved ruler. History is a dangerous thing, always repeating, never teaching its lessons. Secrets were meant to be found out I guess, and even a royal vow of silence, doubly enforced now that all involved save me are dead, wasn’t enough to contain my biggest failure.

I should have listened to Night Star; he knew what should have been done. He knew that lies never cover up the painful truth, but that they always come back to bite you in the end. When that truth is revealed, well, it only grows more painful through the years. Even if the tragedy was thousands of years old, it still stings. They will blame me for it, and there is nopony else to blame. I will take full responsibility for it in front of the crowds, but Luna will wake soon and I cannot bear to tell her. This secret is so dangerous that even she cannot bear to know.

These are my final words to you, faithful student. After I tell you this story, let the masses know. Surely they must understand why I did what I did. I didn’t know that Celestial magic and wild magic would be so volatile. Listen now, to the tale that so many ponies have wished heard, but many more would rather be forgotten.

This letter contains the secret to many questions about many things, but I must start at the beginning. I need to tell somepony about those dark days, hoping that I may someday understand those feelings myself. I hope that you read this, Twilight Sparkle, and I hope that you will finally understand.

I must begin long ago, in a time forgotten by anypony alive today. The Waking Nightmare began when I raised the moon for the first time so many years ago. The details are forever burned in my mind, they will not be forgotten. Perhaps this will give me some peace.

The castle of long ago was not quite as brilliant as Canterlot is now. But that came as a blessing, since the night sky was far more visible than it is today, Luna’s artwork spread across its pitch black expanse, subtle blues mixing with the white hot dots that were the stars. But it was not her artwork anymore, as she had fallen to the Nightmare. I blinked away tears as I tried for the third time to raise the moon. I was not lacking in strength, the Elements do not drain their user.

I was betrayed. Not by Luna, not by the Nightmare, but I had betrayed myself. I did the one thing that I swore I would never do. I banished my own sister to a thousand years of silent loneliness. And now, I had to raise that. Me. The traitor of ponykind. The royal regent who failed to see her younger sister giving in to the Foe. The miserable excuse for a ruler.

“I didn’t ask for this!” I screamed at the sky.

“Why? Why did it have to be this way?” My screams faded into sobs as the tears left tracks down my face.

I reached out with my magic in determination, resolved that this duty must be done for the sake of my little ponies. The moon co-operated, but when it rose, a new flood of tears came down my face. I fought the urge to simply hide the moon below the horizon and leave it there for decades to come. I didn’t want to be reminded every night of what I had done.

Instead of forcing the moon to rest, I hid the face of my beloved sister. The moon now looked as it always had, blank and featureless. The night sky would hold its place until Luna’s return and that did not worry me. I could not bear to go to the public and declare that I, ruler of Equestria, had gone back on my word and banished my own sister.

I heard gentle hoofsteps behind me, and I turned. Night Star stood there, a kind smile etched into his features.

“I see you have taken my advice, Princess.” His voice was cultivated with the skill of a public speaker.

“The student has become the master.” I tried to smile, to put on a show for the faithful student of mine, and yet my royal control failed me.

“Why did I do it? Why couldn’t the Elements just fix Luna instead of confining her to an eternal prison?” A fresh flood of tears burst forth from my eyes.

“Those are questions which we will never answer Milady” Night Star laid a comforting hoof over my withers as fresh sobs wracked my body.

“For now, though, you require rest.” I could not help but to agree with him, the day had been far too long already.

“Goodnight, Milady.” Night Star bowed and left, leaving me to go to my bedchambers.

That walk was the longest that I could ever have taken. Guilt intensified with every step, like ethereal chains were wrapped around my chest, dragging me into an abyss of sorrow. I opened the door, made my way to the bed, and descended into a dark, dreamless sleep.

Almost dreamless. I dare not call it a dream for that would imply that I enjoyed the cacophony of darkness that raged inside my head. Image after disturbing image flashed before me. I was unable to do anything to stop the endless torrent of sights. Finally, it ended and the blessed darkness of sleep took me.

Then Luna stood before me, small and piteous as she looked at me with accusing eyes. They were the eyes of a foal whose innocence had been betrayed, pain forever etched into her eyes.

“Why?” She spoke the same question that had been on my mind the entire evening.

“I am sorry sister, if there had been another way, maybe things would have changed. Maybe you could still be here with me; maybe I wouldn’t be so alone.” A new flood of tears came in a waterfall, flowing down my face and filling my dream.

“NO.” Luna’s voice was piercing, hard, louder than the Royal Canterlot voice.

“YOU DID THIS. YOU IMPRISONED ME IN MY MOON!” Luna rose above me, staring down with hatred in her eyes, the Nightmare showing itself.

Her voice dropped to a quiet whisper, full of deadly intent.

“I will have revenge Celestia. Even from here, I will have revenge.” With that Nightmare Moon brought her magic to bear and I lay motionless as the magical blade swept downward, closer and closer still. It was mere inches from me when I awoke, gasping for breath and sweating. That was when I realized that I could not tell anypony what I had done. Thus began the biggest mistake of my life.

The public could never know what I had done, so I created a lie. The most convincing lie ever to come out of a politician’s mouth, and I was the one who spoke it. This deception was simple, and it was far too easy. I find myself disturbed today by it, not because of the lie itself, but because it was so easy to tell.

I announced that Luna had been redeemed, that the curse had been lifted by the Elements of harmony. Of course, she needed a few weeks of bedrest to deal with physical and emotional trauma of being turned into a Nightmare.

I spent the next week in the arcane wing of the castle, searching for an answer to my problem. I searched in every wing that we had in the library, every author that had ever written a book on this particular subject. I was finally at my wits end, every author searched, every book read. I exited the library tired; in disbelief that nopony had written something on such an exciting subject.

Ironically, the answer came to me when I raised the moon. The weight of the moon always seemed heavier than my precious, familiar, sun. I had taken the last book I read up with me, thinking that perhaps I may have missed the answer, that what was hidden in the dark of the library would somehow be revealed in the soft moonlight.

The moon rose a little easier this time, perhaps because the emotional weight did not lie as heavy on me as it did before. Its light flowed gently over the railing, leaving speckled patterns on the balcony floor. I was startled by the sound of hooves behind me. I turned, and saw Night Star.

“Any progress, your Highness?”

“I am afraid not, the entire Arcane wing has nothing on Constructs of Alicorns.”

“Perhaps you are looking for the wrong thing, Milady.”

“I had not thought that there was any other option, Night Star”

He spoke a single word that would help me in my deception that would aid me in my crime.

“Time.”

I realized that he was right, only because it would be impossible to create a Construct of a royal Alicorn. It was not impossible, though, for one of us to disguise ourselves as the other. If the magical field was strong enough, in theory, it could maintain the paradox for an extended period of time.

I went to bed that night secure in the knowledge that my problem had a solution.

Sleep came as an abyss once more; the tears of sadness flowed freely. Dreams did not come, only nightmares. Luna accused me once more, the Nightmare came to kill my will. I resolved never to give into the rage, never to let the ponies see not one but both of their monarchs betray them.

In the morning, I began the preparations to enact my plan. It was beautiful in its simplicity really, and also in its effectiveness. All that I would have to do is pull a future version of myself back to this time and let her look as Luna. I would experience each day twice over, but I could manage.

I planned to take a version of myself from tomorrow directly, that way there would not be such a delay in the transition. I set out to the Everfree Forest, as that is where the magic field was the most plentiful. The forest was not nearly as widespread as it is today, it was much smaller, and its magical field was more focused.

The place where I went was called the Well, a place that has been there as long as anypony, including me, can remember. Magic was focused there like nowhere else, the field so intense that even earth ponies could see the raw power contained there. I tried to cast my spell, but the native magic was too difficult to control from a safe distance.

I moved to the center of the Well, resolute in the execution of my plan, not wavering in the least. When I look back on that now, that resoluteness repulses me, it somehow disgusts me more in memory than it did in action. When I began to cast the spell, I was shocked by the sheer intensity of the wild magic that I used to cast the spell. It almost overwhelmed me, but I pushed through, determined that the plan must succeed.

When I finally finished, I saw myself standing there, in front of me. We did not speak to one another; she simply nodded and proceeded to disguise herself as my beloved sister. Her white coat faded, replaced with a gentle navy blue as she shrunk to the size of my sister. The transformation complete, we headed to the castle to show our little ponies that Luna had supposedly recovered.

The sensation of living each day over got quite tiring after a while, and I was grateful for Luna’s habit of sleeping during the day. The ruse was kept up for almost four years, when I went to the Crystal Empire to free it, even then I remained disguised. Every day, I had to go to the Well to renew the spell; otherwise I would be pulled from my own time tomorrow.

After about six months, I began to notice some unusual growth about the Well, vines only at first, then slowly new plant species I had not seen before began to emerge. I thought nothing of it, and continued on with my renewal of the spell. Four years after I had cast the spell for the first time, the growth increased exponentially, eventually requiring me to burn through several feet of vegetation to make it to the center of the Well.

Each time I came back, the growth had resurged, even more than that, it became larger. I kept up the deception though, unwittingly ensuring the death of thousands of ponies. After five years of deceit and lies, I went to the Well to return myself to the future, but something began to go wrong. The field of magic had steadily grown stronger over time, but today I could barely control it.

Fire coursed through my veins, painfully scarring my magical senses. My horn continued on of its own accord, as some force that resided in the Well performed long-practiced unlocking spells and began to escape. I tried to stop it, but the force behind the magic was ancient and much too powerful for me to control. The future version of me faded in a burst of golden light, as I had put protections in place in case I forgot to renew the spell.

The spells were almost complete; the thousand year old Being was seconds away from escaping. The best I could do was place a barrier trying to stop whatever it was from harming my little ponies. I could not place it as near as I would have liked, and had to settle for miles rather than feet away. The spells would take some time to take effect after they were complete, and assuming that the Being either would or could not disable me, I settled on getting as many ponies as I could out of this death trap that was a castle.

My assumption proved correct, and as soon as it finished using my magic, I took flight. On the way to the castle, I formulated a story that would let me keep up my deception. I would announce that Luna had been fallen to the Nightmare, and I was forced to banish her to the moon, but not before her taint infected the forest around her and made it lethal to everypony. The unscheduled storm brewing on the horizon would support my story, and I let all the emotion that I had pent up inside me flow freely, letting tears obscure my vision.

The storm was not any normal storm, but one born of ancient and powerful magic. It extended from the top of the highest clouds to the forest floor, transforming all the innocent creatures into the stuff of nightmares, creating animals that would be known by the names of drakes, manticores and chimeras. The storm was made up of green clouds, roiling and striking out after me. Tendrils of forest green smoke began to snake ahead of the storm, trapping many unfortunate villagers. I will never forget their screams. Their very souls were taken, being sucked away to some arcane purpose.

I was nearing the castle, and unceremoniously landed on the highest point of the castle. I used the royal Canterlot voice to spread my urgent message.

“Ponies of Equestria, We are here to proclaim that Our sister Luna has succumb to the Nightmare once more. It appears that the Nightmare had not left Our dear sister, but was simply repressed. The Elements were used, but this time to banish her to the moon, not to simply heal her. Before they could take full effect, however, the Nightmare tainted the forest, creating instead of a tranquil forest, a cacophony of destruction. We urge thee to flee outright, taking no time to gather valuables as the lives of everypony are at risk.”

Panic spread as mob psychology took over. Many ponies were trampled, but I could do nothing to save them. Many fled out of the castle, following me in my flight to my barrier. Over half of the ponies made it to safety before the storm caught up with us. The other half were taken, their bodies transformed into pure animal form, the Being taking their souls. The storm halted at my barrier, creating an unnatural wall of vines and branches that writhed and fought against my magic. I guided the ponies to a town that was known as the country estate of the Royals, you know it now as Canterlot.

That night I raised the moon, and I did it alone. In the census of ponies that survived, My faithful student Night Star was not among them. Apparently, a young couple had seen him stay back to help the elderly and infirm, sacrificing his own life to save them. I raised the moon without ceremony, sure to take off the spell that hid my sister’s face. The lie was never exposed, never even asked about, everypony simply believed me.

Last night, I flew over the Everfree forest to check on the progress of the Being, and one of my guards accompanied me. His name was Night Blade, a low ranking private in Luna’s night guard that had just been commissioned. He offered to fly with me, and would not be denied easily. I ordered him to stay back, but he must have been under other orders, for he followed me without my knowledge, no doubt a stealth talent. I flew to the center of the Everfree, to the place where the Well had been located before I set the evil free.

In that hateful place, there now resides a dragon, a great, terrible evil dragon that now holds control of the Everfree. He slumbers, as he has done for the past one thousand years. All control of the weather seems to stem from his unconscious mind working. He must have been there since before the rise of Discord, as there is no reference to him in the history books, but only scarce mentions in mythology.

I must have talked to myself about the events I am telling you now, for the ponies of Canterlot know. Night Blade reported to somepony that outranked me, and there is only one who does so, my dear sister Luna. She must have seen me flying out to the Everfree forest week after week and gotten concerned. How the masses found out, I do not know. Perhaps Night Blade told somepony and the rumor quickly spread to the ever vigilant press, who would not hesitate to dive on something as juicy as this gossip.

I go now to face their justice, to bear to consequences for the mass murder that I committed, to face even my own death. I will bear the consequences for my actions, and I will bear them like a royal. Goodbye, my dearest Twilight Sparkle, and I hope you will forgive me.