The Most Noble and Sombre Court of the Morning
The Most Noble and Sombre Court of the Morning
The Morning Courts were one of Equestria's oldest and most hallowed traditions; beginning at Sun's zenith upon the summer solstice. It was a celebration that would have once dwarfed the Galloping Gala; a week long fete that the princesses opened, reaffirming to all of Equestria that their promise of safety and prosperity would never be forgotten. It was during this grand celebration that the plebeians and commons had a chance to petition the diarchs of Equestria.
And so it would be a time for mediation, for reconciliation and the planting of seeds of friendship between feuding factions; golden like a warm summer's morning dawn, full of promise of a bright future. For this reason, the Morning Court was so named.
Or so it used to be.
Princess Celestia, The Lady of Dawn's Golden Light, Warden of the Sun and Protector of Equestria sat upon a brocaded cushion as a pale coated bespectacled unicorn mare of excessive dumpiness and verbiage droned on in a dead, monotone voice; an incessant buzzing noise that tickled her ear drums. But Princess Celestia payed it no heed, squinting as she concentrated, her head and long neck leaning down over the small brass lectern that had been set before her seat.
A quill danced across a sheet of fine paper, laying down strokes of black ink as a gold shod hoof guided its progress across its snowy white surface. And with a final flourish, the princess leaned back, settling back into her cushion with a smile of utmost satisfaction. Hoofwork calligraphy required a greater investment of work than magick, but the difference in quality is evident, she decided quickly.
"Slay the foul Alfalfa Hydra, Lord Doughnut Steel! Hehehe." She whispered, as she looked down upon her handiwork. With a slight smile, she laid a hoof beneath the lectern and snapped a small book shut; How to draw Cartoons - A guide for Fillies, an interesting diversion, that she had lifted discreetly from the staff's playschool on the castle grounds. But now she was done, and her entire pot of black ink had been spent and spent well. But the buzz like droning continued nonetheless. Princess Celetia looked over the audience chamber, noting with great disappointment that the puffy petitioner had not, in fact stopped talking. In fact, she was surprised that the mare had time to breath at all.
Asides from her monotonous petitioner, only a small smattering of pones remained.
Prince Blueblood, sat alone, on one side of the room, having claimed an entire stretch of bench as his sovereign territory by virtue of having plopped down a few cushions down upon it. The Prince had neglected to slip out from the castle before the Morning Court had convened and had emerged from his chambers just as his dear Auntie had happened to pass by. He had been quickly shanghaied into the dull affair, but had not even bothered to give an impression of being the slightest bit interested. If Princess Celestia recalled correctly, the prince had unfurled an airship magazine early though the proceedings and had lost himself in its pages, a silly grin plastered upon his face; not unlike, she thought, her own dear protégée when faced with books.
On the opposite bench, the mail clad Prince-Captain Shining Armour sat. He looked alert and focused as a knight should be, though the slightly glazed expression in his eyes betrayed his inattention. About him, two mares leaned comfortably upon each side of his muscular frame, both of them neglecting completely to hide the fact that they were fast asleep and had been for quite some time. One was a purple coated unicorn mare and the other a pink coated alicorn; Twilight Sparkle and Mi Amore Cadenza.
The sight of the four sent a tinge of guilt shooting through Princess Celestial belly. She had promised them all a quiet family lunch together, once she had retired from the drudgery of the Morning Court and yet, here they were still, as the hours slipped away.
Besides,she monologued, looking down upon the long sheet of parchment upon a small lectern, I can't really fault them; I've not been very attentive myself. Little doodles adorned the expensive paper; a veritable tapestry depicting the epic of brave Sir Doughnut Steel as he smote down the hoards of lesser confectionery around him.
“Oh what has come of our Morning Court” she muttered softly, wistfully recalling the purposeful pageants of old somewhat still clear to memory. “Besieged daily by mindless courtiers, sitting here until the day I die of boredom. Or hunger. One day, just you see, they shall find my empty shell, stone dead at my desk.” She looked down at the rather animated, or more accurately, jiggly mare. That one had eaten a large breakfast, she thought, very sure of it.
“...and so, I must reinforce that this menace, this stain on the peace and friendship all true Equestrians strive for; Must. Be. Eradicated” the pale mare intoned, her voice hoarse now. “...and so now, your Majesty, I would like to conclude my speech with one final statement...”
“...Conclude?” Princess Celestia muttered. Had the pale mare just said 'conclude' ? Conclude in the context of ending the whole boring affair? Would this endless litany come to an end? Well, then she would let it end, and end well. Hastily, she looked to both sides of the room, to Prince-Captain Shining Armour and the mares of his family on one side and the lone Prince Blueblood on the other. All of them gave no indication they had heard the uplifting news, the joyous choir that was imminent freedom.
That would have to be corrected, with tact and subtlety.
“Ahem,” Princess Celestia coughed.
There was no response, at least not from her intended audience. Prince-Captain Shining Armour stared blankly into the distance, with a look eerily similar to the one he bore when enthralled by the Changeling Queen; his illusion of attentiveness now neatly ruined by the fact that the petitioner had removed her bulk from his field of view. That had been an achievement in itself, for there was in fact, a rather large expanse of the pale mare flesh to view. The mares flanking him likewise gave no sign of comprehension and as for Prince Blueblood, said stallion was gazing both inappropriately and lustily at the sleek curvy figure of the centerfold model - A Fancy-Fleur Falcon racing zeppelin.
“Ahem!” Princess Celestia attempted once again. “Ahem!!!"
Despite her valiant efforts, there was still no response. To add insult to injury, Princess Celestia noted that her petitioner was now giving her odd glances. So much for the gravitas of the Morning Court.
“Ahem?” She tried once more.
“Your Majesty?” the pale mare said as she approached her throne.
Only years of experience prevented Princess Celestia from banging her head on the lectern. “Yes, my little pony,” she ventured, trying to dredge the pale mare's name from her memory and failing. “My, um...”
Clues, Princess Celestia thought. She needed clues. The pony had a pale yellowish-white coat, spectacles, horn and plenty of cushioning for falls; surely these traits would connect to a name, but nothing came to mind. Attempting no movement whatsoever, she scanned her sheet of parchment anxiously; surely she had written down her petitioner’s name somewhere... somewhere
Sir Doughnut Steel, in an act of bravery, decapitates the heads of the Alfalfa Hydra. She quickly decided that that wasn't going to work.
“Yes? My … little ….pony?” Princess Celestia ventured as she turned her gaze back to the pale mare. Her eyes darted from side to side, looking for a reaction, any reaction from her little family. There was none; briefly, she considered disowning the lot of them, the entire useless bunch... but first, there was someone to deal with. She regarded the petitioner before her, gracing her with a embarrassed grin. “My little pony...please speak...”
Princess Celestia watched cautiously as the pale unicorn mare met her eyes head on. “Your Majesty,” the mare began, her jowls flapping. Princess Celestia winced; there was definitely an accusatory glint in the pale mare's eyes.
“Would you like a cough drop?”
“Um?” Princess Celestia said eloquently She had certainly not expected that.
“A cough drop. You were coughing your Majesty.” the pale mare replied, rolling her eyes, clearly disgusted that her princess was ignorant “I have a good brand of them in my bags; for when impurities in the air set my throat off.” She continued, her eyebrows descending into a steep incline at the finish.
“Oh. Yes. That is very thoughtful of you,” Princess Celestia replied weakly. “That would be nice. I would like one. A cough drop...”
“You really should, your Majesty.” the pale mare huffed. “You have a bad cough.” And without asking for leave, she turned away, ostentatiously strutting out the door, towards the little shelf where she had stowed her saddle bags, her ample flank flapping as she moved.
With the petitioner's back turned, Princess Celestia took her chance. A warm golden glow enveloped her ivory horn, the magick of the sun itself manifest; she divided its radiant power to each side of the room; four paddles of pure air. Two stallions and two mares leapt to attention at once, like school children doled with a good smack to the rump; which in this particular scenario, Princess Celestia decided, was stunningly and most deserving apropos. Their varied expressions of irritation and embarrassment provided her with no small measure of vindictive satisfaction.
Blueblood simply rolled his eyes, being the first to respond. “Really, now, Auntie?” He said softly, slapping the magazine down on his bench and turning to face her. “Surely the age when you could play such juvenile tricks is long over? Or has the time for your dotage come?”
“My apologises, your Majesty! And I apologize for Prince Blueblood's rudeness!” Shining Armour intoned, shooting Blueblood a sharp glare. “I appreciate the invitation to sit in, but I sinply haven’t done the Morning Court justice at all!”
Twilight Sparkle on the other hand, seemed to be in a state of shock, her eyes wide and flustered. “Ohmigosh!” she whimpered. “I'm so, so, so very sorry, Princess!” She quavered, shaking like a foal in a strict magick kindergarten; one that had been caught napping in the middle of basic spelling. “Falling asleep in the Morning Court? What was I thinking?” She moaned.
“Auntie, “ Princess Cadance, on Shining Armour's other side, began, shaking her beautiful head gently “Did you really have to do that?”
“Perhaps that was a little excessive?” Princess Celestia admitted sheepishly.
“Yes, Auntie, yes it was,” Candance replied, nodding. “I'd rather like to think I'm not a schoolfoal any more. Honestly, a smack to the bum?”
“Your Majesty,” Shining Armour said sternly, but the expression quickly slid off his face like a pie on glass. He blushed. “I'm am kind of a married stallion, so please keep your magick off my rump. It's the exclusive property of one mare.” he finished, and turned to gaze into the eyes of his wife with a soppy expression of his face.
“I did not need to know that,” Blueblood grumbled, now not quite able to meet Shining Armour's eyes even as Cadance gazed at her husband approvingly. “But yes, to reinforce the point; I believe everyone present is old enough to have outgrown practical jokes, Auntie.” He said huffily. "Unless, of course, it is time to find Auntie dearest a fine retirement home to live her elder years in peace."
"Blueblood!" Twilight cried, her face pouty. "Take that back! The Princess may be elderly but-"
"Hah!" Blueblood. laughed. "Got you to say it"
"No!" Twilight cried, red faced. "That's not what I meant at all! I...I..."
"Alright! That's quite enough, my little ponies. Princess Celestia snapped, resisting the urge to sigh. “Blueblood, dear, stop teasing Twilight. Twilight, kindly stop hyperventilating. No I am not offended. Captain Shining! Save that for when the two of you are alone, and Cadance, please don't give me that look, You can frolic to you heart's content after the court has been closed. Now, all of you, come closer!" She finished. Ladies and Gentlecolts, may I present the elite of Canterlot.
To their credit, they obliged, the four ponies stepping towards the large alicorn.
“Now, my little ponies, I have something to ask of you,” Princess Celestia said, her voice grave and her expression worried. "It is a matter of grave import."
“Yes Auntie?”
“Auntie?”
“Yes, your Majesty!”
“Anything, Princess Celestia!”
Princess Celestia put her wings around them and drew them in closer, before whispering in a conspiratorial tone.“Does anyone here recall what that last petitioner was talking about?” She said, gravely, her eyes fixed upon the door where the pale mare had left to fetch her cough drops. “I really want to end this on a high note; we can't have the people thinking that we neglect to listen to their ideas and petitions.”
“Surely you jest, Auntie?” Blueblood exclaimed, his brows furrowed in thought. “Did you really expect me to be paying attention? If anyone would have been paying attention, it would have been you – or Twilight over there.”
In response, Twilight reddened, looking ashamed. “I, um don't remember anyone or anything after that petition to outlaw spontaneous public musical numbers; so I must have dozed off then.” She paused, looking at the faces around her. “I'm so, so sorry! I should have paid attention, but his voice was so....well...hypnotic.”
“Spontaneous public musical numbers? Who?” Shining Armour asked, looking exceedingly sheepish. “Um, sorry your Majesty, I lost track of the petitions waaay before that. Maybe Cadance knows?”
The pink alicorn went even pinker as four heads swiveled to her expectantly.
“Sorry, Shining, dear. You were just so comfortable to lean against.” She admitted finally, looking even more embarrassed than her husband.
“So dear nephew,” Princess Celestia whispered as she turned back to Blueblood. “The fate of the Morning Court is in your hooves now. Do you recall a name, or perhaps a topic? Unlike these three here, you were at least awake.”
Blueblood sighed. “Very well, Auntie. That was surely Miss Fatty MacFat-Fat, Lady of Chateau le Annoyance" He said without pause.
"Why did I even bother?" Celestia sighed. "Blueblood, dear. there is no need to be rude,” Princess Celestia chided. “As much as she is a bore, we should not fault her weight. Some ponies have glandular conditions and –
"Never knew the doughnut was a gland. Is chocolate a gland too?"
"Blueblood! You can't just make fun of fat ponies." Twilight yelped.
""Hee hee, you said it!" Blueblood chuckled. "Come to think of it, you're nicely chubby too. Let me guess? Sundae-itis?"
"Blueblood!"
"Cousin, really?"
"Nephew, again, stop teasing Twilight! Remember, you were once such a roly-poly pony that we could roll you down a hill and-"
"Aha!" Twilight cried, a victorious smirk appearing. "So that was you at the academy that day! I knew it, I knew it! You're the one who broke the swing set!"
"What?" Blueblood paled. " No no no, that was Vladimir my-"
"Gee, you named your belly?"
"I most certainly did not!" Blueblood cried. " I would like to add, that I remember you could balance that smarty pants doll of yours on your tummy and you thought that showing that little trick to Flashy from Canterlot Flying School would make him like yo-"
"I did not!" Twilight screamed, red faced. "B-but! Anyway my tummy was tiny compare to your enormous fat-"
"Who's fat?" a cold voice called from the door.
Princess Celesia froze, a bead of sweat dripping down the side of her muzzle. "Ahem, play along."
"Fate!" She cried, rearing and spreading her wings. "It is fate! Fate that you um, my little pony hath cometh to share her um, wisdom?"
"Why Princess, you honour me with your trust!" There was a creak as the door to the chamber swung open. The pale mare squeezed her way into the chamber once again, looking oddly smug for someone with a soggy looking paper bag clutched in their jaws.
“Oh dear,” Princess Celestia sighed. “Here she comes. Quickly now, at least her name?”
“Auntie,” Cadance said gravely. “I can't help you there...”
“My apologies, your Majesty,” Shining Armour conceded.
“No time now, she's here,” Blueblood hissed, looking over his shoulder towards the approaching mare. “We'll have to...improvise...”
“But I don't improvise well!” Twilight gasped, looking flustered. “I need time – to prepare!”
“Twilight, smile and act natural,” Princess Celestia ordered, before raising her head to acknowledge the pale mare. “Just nod and play along – ah! Kind...subject. Your thoughtfulness is like a warm summer's morning!” She said, a slightly forced, albeit sunny smile gracing her features.
“It was the least I could do.” The pale mare stated with confidence.
“She doesn't seem so bad,” Twilight whispered. “She seems kind, but bad at public speaking?”
“If your Majesty keeps coughing like that, your Majesty won't be able to absorb my very important presentation the way it needs to be digested.” The mare continued, dropping the soggy, sticky looking bag upon the lectern. It bore the mark of the Canterlot Central Station Chemist, just barely visible under the stains.
Five ponies stared at the miserable bag, as if it had grown tentacles. The violation of nature and privates kind of tentacles.
“Then again, I have been wrong before,” Twilight sighed.
“Go on, your Majesty. Have one. It has herbs in it; and I suppose the rest of you can have one as well.” The pale mare conceded. "In fact, I insist you all take one each. I am a master apothecary as well, and the health of the Princess is indeed my concern. Oh, don't mind the bag, I believe in recycling"
"If she's a master apothecary, then I'm Star Swirl reborn." Blueblood whispered.
"Well, they say in basic training that you should not ingest strange chemicals." Shining added, agreeing with Blueblood.
“Yes... so kind.” Princess Celestia managed ignoring her male counselors, and giving the bag a wary look. The bag stared back. “Well, lets all have one, shall we? She's going to feel awful if we all reject her offer. ” she said, and immediately got four glares in reply. "It's only the polite thing to do."
“Kill me, it says.” Blueblood murmured. “My royal lips are not touching anything inside that affront to nature. We should put it out of its misery immediately; burn it in cleansing sunfire.”
“That's just rude, Blueblood.” Cadance said. “But you have a point there.”
“Don't, your Majesty,” Shining Armour warned. “It might be poison – not eating it might be prudent.
“I've got a spell for that!” Twilight piped up. “Detects common poisons and-”
“Twilight.” Blueblood interjected. “Even if it weren't poisonous, would you put whatever in there into your mouth? Something you've obviously been doing a lot lately, considering how plump your flank's getting.”
“Um, no.” Twilight conceded. “But there has to be some way of going about it without offending her. Why don't you eat them all? It'll just be like old times. You and eating.”
“I'd say she's plenty offended already; we've been staring at her cough drops for a minute; and unless she's a complete dunce, she'll have noticed.” Blueblood replied, casting a disapproving gaze over his shoulder at the pale mare. “So what's a little more indignity to that dreadful bore? I doubt even you performing a belly dance right here and now could-”
“Hush now, nephew, it's not poisoned, and I will have one.” Princess Celestia said firmly. “She did go through a lot of trouble to bring these – and all of us dozed through her petition. ” She opened the wet bag, revealing a mass of pale brown ovals that emitted a sickly pungency.
“Did the trouble involve raw sewage by any chance?” Blueblood said, wrinkling his nose.
“Blueblood, dear, I have faced worse than sticky lozenges” Princess Celestia said, and popped one into her mouth.
“Did you like it, your majesty?” Five ponies jumped in shock, as the sixth, the pale mare spoke. She had joined their little circle, squeezing her way in between Twilight and her brother and displacing them, leaving greasy stains on his nice shiny armour.
“...Yes?” Princess Celestia ventured. “Ahem, yes. Indeed. I feel my cough going already already.”
“That's good, that's very good.” The pale mare said in a dead voice. “They're hoof made! I made them myself.” she added, her dull eyes looking shockingly gleeful. “Would you like another?”
Princess Celestia blanched, a significant endeavor, especially since she possessed a coat of pure alabaster. Her eyes flickered downwards for a moment, towards the pale mare's greasy hooves. With supreme force of will, she composed herself sufficiently to return a weak smile. “Let just conclude our business. Please continue, my good mare.” she said weakly, using every ounce of will in her being to stop herself from spitting it out.
“Of course,” the pale mare agreed. ”And I'm sure you be in agreement with me; for the fate of dear Equestria is at stake.”
“It is?” Blueblood drawled.
Princess Celestia shot him a withering glare and the prince lifted his hooves in defeat. “Play along, let her conclude, and we'll get through this quickly.” She whispered. "Lets do this and do it well, ladies and gentlecolts."
“Yes, the guard takes all threats to Equestria with utmost gravitas.” Shining Armour added, clearly doing his best to make up for his inattentiveness. “Especially with the most weighty news that-” he stopped as his wife and sister both nudged him in the flanks. "Ohhhh. Weighty, I get it."
The pale mare scowled, but let him continue.
"Yes, as I was saying, the safety of Equestria is a heavy responsi..."
Princess Celestia watched in despair as Twilight and Cadance both hoofed their faces. Blueblood on the other hand, was doing a poor job of stifling his laughter.
"...no enemy shall feast upon the fat of Equestria..."
The pale mare blinked, looking more and and more disapproving by the second.
"..for the Royal Guard shall be a stout bulwark against all foes!"
"Shining, dear, you did that on purpose, didn't you?" Cadance said sweetly. "Because if not, when we have foals, I will pray ardently that they inherit my brains. "
"Did what?"
"Sometimes, I find it hard to believe you and Twilight are related."
“The good captain,” Cadance began, ignoring her husband's wounded gaze. “The good captain was going to ask if the true nature of this threat was truly as dire as you say. You brought many good points to the table, but the seers and scryers of Canterlot have reported no such threat.”
“Nicely done,” Princess Celestia whispered approvingly. Though perhaps for naught; she watched as an irritated expression the pale mare's features anyway. Well, more irritated than the usual.
“Are you going to waste time with questions? There is a grave threat and we have to act on it. Now!” She pale mare cried. “Princess! You understand, don't you?”
“Well, yes, I do,” Princess Celestia lied. “But...”
The pale mare stared straight into her eyes, and then winked suddenly. “Aah, I get it,” she said. “There is a conspiracy afoot – and the dagger lies at your throat! But,” she said, pacing the polished floor, “we can and will, subdue them! We have the means and the magic to hurl off the noose they have around our necks!”
“Is this about the Prench hay embargo?” Twilight whispered quizzically. “Are the courtiers still arguing about that?”
“No Twiley, “ Shining Amour said, placing a hoof on her shoulder. “ This is a rare occasion; I think this is an actual, genuine,” he paused, as his wife and sister both stared at him.
“Death Penalty abolitionist!” He whispered. “Noose around the neck; I got that analogy.”
“I don't think Equestria has a Death Penalty,” Twilight said.
'That's why they're so rare!” Shining Armour whispered excitedly. “Imagine being a death penalty abolitionist in a land without the death penalty. I never knew court could be so interesting.”
“Shining,” Cadance said, rolling her eyes. “Stop whispering and let the poor mare talk – look! She's staring at you.”
“Oh.” Shining Amour mumbled. “Oh, yes, um. Miss, please carry on. I was just talking about, um, soldier things.”
The pale mare scowled, looking, if possible, more displeased than before. “As expected of the renowned Shining Armour,” she said reluctantly. “Already considering military matters for our great project! With your valiant guard leading the fore, our foes would be wise to flee!”
“The guard certainly is well trained,” Princess Celestia agreed politely."But I fail to see why-"
"For war, of course," the pale mare snapped. "Weren't you listening?"
"Er, Yes?"
"Good, finally, someone on my page.” The pale mare said, looking agreeable for once.
Princess Celestia stared as the pale mare waddled up to the lectern, where a hoof-full of yellowish papers were slammed onto the lacquered wood.
“This!” the pale mare cried, stepping back rearing into the air. “Is the master plan. The master plan for the subjugation of HUMANITY!”
Silence reigned as the five ponies stared at the oily leaves of paper, all at a loss for words. The pale mare, on the other hoof, seemed to be in her element, prancing about the audience chamber and more animated than any of them had seen before, her folds and crevices bouncing in oddly trance inducing ways.
“Well, this certainly will be a monumental endeavor,” Blueblood said finally.
“And why is that?” the pale mare asked. “Is Equestria not the greatest nation on the firmament? Are our armies not the envy of all the world? Do we not have the ability to bring civilization to these savages? Do we not have the Princesses? If anything can culture these savages, it will be the instruction under their stern hooves!”
“Well, dear, I for one don't approve of invading other peoples, even if-” Princess Celestia said.
“See? Her majesty agrees with me.” The pale mare interrupted, looking smug.
“No, she did not.” Blueblood countered.
“Yes she did! But that's not the issue here; you are a defeatist.” The pale mare accused. “Why is that? Not big enough a stallion to even consider victory? I always knew you Bluebloods were fat cowards, the lot of you.”
“Oooh," Blueblood said, his eyes narrowing. "Have you looked into a mirror lately, you over-”
"Blueblood!"
"Nephew!"
"Argh. We cannot defeat these 'Humans' of yours," Blueblood snarled, cut loose form his comeback," but for one reason and one reason only!"
"Let me guess, because the Pony Race has fallen so low to account you amongst royalty?" Shining whispered, "hee hee."
"Shining! Not you too!"
"Sorry dear, couldn't resist."
"Which is?" The pale mare glared. Princess Celestia could almost see the gears whirring in her head.
“That these “humans” of yours don't actually exist.” Blueblood cried.
“Well, not outside of myth and legend at least, “ Twilight added. “And logically speaking, Blueblood does have a point. Something needs to exist before you, well, can go off and conquer it.”
“Well said, Twilight!." Blueblood said, as he rolled his eyes. "They're myths, stories, folk tales, legends, superstitions, ect ect. In short, they don't exist!"
'Thank you. They make for such fine tales though.” Twilight finished, her voice wistful. "I know a few ponies who wish they did."
"Oh please Twilight," Blueblood scoffed. "Flying to the moon in a rocket? Every foal knows the only way to the moon is Old Kingdom Magic..."
"Yes, but,"
"And those creepy ones they tell you when you go camping; the ones where every single move you make is being watched by uncountable little rectangles of light, each with a human behind it."
Princess Celestia jumped at that. "Ha ha ha ha..., dear nephew," she laughed weakly. "That certainly is a fanciful tale, isn't it? Let's not mention it evereverever again."
"Yes, cousin, lets hear her out, shall we?" Candance piped up. "And lets get this over with," she hissed.
“Thank you Princess Cadance,” Princess Celestia said, as she rubbed an aching head with a hoof. “Why don't you start from the beginning – again.” She sighed. This is going to take a while...
“Oh! May I be excused?” Blueblood interjected.”I've an allergy to delusion.”
“No.”
“Worth a try.”
"You weren't listening at all, were you?" The pale mare said, her voice small but her looks accusing.
"No! Your points were most enlightening?" Princess Celestia ventured, "its just that we would like, um..."
"Some clarity on behalf of Prince Blueblood," Candance snapped. "I apologize on his behalf, he was not paying attention and-"
"Hey!"
"-unfortunately, we must go through it all for his benefit! Grr, what a lazy louse."
"Don't you dare..." Blueblood began, though he trailed off as Twilight approached him. Princess Celestia watched as Twilight graced the prince with her very best rendition of the patented Royal Limpid Ocular Pools of Celerity. "Come on, Blueblood. Take one for the team and lets get this over with, please?"
"...Fine! Fine! But know this, cousin," the prince whispered angrily as he faced Cadance. "When you foal, and are but too spent to speak, I shall name your firstborn Fatty MacFat-Fat II - in honour of Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight looked vaguely offended, but wisely chose not to return in kind. Princess Celestia noted that one errant hoof felt its way to her lavender flank though. The next thing on Twilight's education is to get some friends exercise She resolved. For her health if nothing else...
"May I begin? The pale mare asked. "Your Majesty?"
"By all means," Princess Celestia sighed. "Lets get on with it."
+---+
The next half hour passed in a blur, if the blur were the trail of translucent slime that a particularly unwholesome mollusc that had achieved temporal sentience had left on half an hour of Equestrian Time. Princess Celestia felt her eyelids droop, and forced them to remain open with sheer force of will. They drooped again, and once more, she forced them open. Snippets of conversation and dictation drifted in and out of her waning concentration, until a audible Bang! echoed through the chamber, causing her to jump, erect.
"What do you mean it's unfeasible!" The pale mare's voice cried out. "It's completely reasonable.
"Oh dear, Princess Celestia mumbled. "Did I doze off?"
"Yes Princess," Twilight whispered into her ear. "But Blueblood told her that you're communicating telepathically to the Emperor of All Humans and you were not to be disturbed."
"And she believed that?"
"Ummm, I guess?"
"Your Majesty!" The pale mare called. "You've returned to us! How goes the demands for surrender!"
Princess Celestia watched as both Shining Armour and Prince Blueblood emitted collective groans, with Candance between them, torn between irritation, amusement and throwing the mare from the tower, from the way her hooves were shaking.
"Umm, yes," She spoke warily. "I have conversed with the Human of All Emperors and-"
"Emperor of All Humans, Twilight whispered.
"As my dear student has said," Princess Celestia continued as she blinked the drowsiness from her eyes. "I have spoken to the All Human of Emperors, and you'll be happy to know, my little pony, that you have nothing to fear."
"I don't?" the pale mare sighed, a wondrous expression appearing on her abundant features. "Did they surrender to our overwhelming might?"
"Umm, no. But the Emperor of All Humans seems like a lovely chap, very charming - and an absolute gentleman. He assures me that ponies have nothing to fear from humans." Princess Celestia lied. "In fact, he says your, um cough drops are delicious? And that the winning lottery number for next Tuesday is 24601 and um..."
"No surrender?" The pale mare gasped, her jowls flapping with the motions. "See? I told you our only course was to destroy them!"
"Really now? Surely there is no need for that? Humans and Ponies can live amicably. We'll stay here, and they'll stay...wherever they are. Everyone's happy." Princess Celestia ventured wearily. "How would you destroy them anyway?"
Leadenly, both Shining Armour and Prince Blueblood approached. Both looked exhausted and worn beyond their time. They leaned in close and began whispering, each so tired that they had forgotten their usual antagonism. Now, they were even taking turns speaking like civilized ponies. And with each turn, Princess Celestia's heart sank a little deeper into the pits of her breast. Finally, she looked up, and fixed the pale mare into her gaze.
"Let me clarify your plan," she sighed.
" Yes your majesty."
You want me, specifically me to enclose the entirety of Equestria in a bubble-"
"Barrier, yes."
"And then, to hurl us all screaming through the void."
"I was thinking more along the lines of teleport, but yes."
"To an alien dimension."
"Planet."
"Where we will slowly expand the barrier, killing everything in that alien planet of yours" Princess Celestia continued, Beside her, she heard very un-stallion-like snickerings. Both Shining Armour and Blueblood no doubt. Cadance stood along side the pale mare, clearly nursing a migraine and Twilight had buried her face in her hooves, so torn she was between wailing and chortling.
"Yes, but we will offer them the chance to convert first."
"That's new," Blueblood commented. "Haven't heard this bit yet."
"Behold!" The pale mare reared unsteadily, brandishing a small greasy remedy bottle. A small green thing of opaque On closer inspection, Princess Celestia noted that it was an old Sweet Apple Acre Cider bottle and its opaqueness quite clearly stemmed from the fact that it had not been washed for quite a while. "Formula P. P for Potio-"
"And what does it do?" Twilight asked.
"Converts a human to a pony of course." The pale mare smirked, a broad, smug expression on her face. "I made it myse-"
"Yes, we know," Princess Celestia sighed. "Well, my um, little pony, we-"
"Fatty MacFat-Fat," Blueblood whispered.
"Shush, nephew. Ahem," she began a new. "Your plan is interesting, and we are happy to have considered it."
"Um, actually, it's strategically unsound." Shining Armour added his two bits worth. "And I don't much like the sound of being hurled through the void."
"Yes, Captain. Your reservations have been noted." She whispered. "But, my little pony, we cannot afford a war right now."
"Why's that? Humans must be subjugated for the safety of Equestria!" The pale mare cried passionately. "We will not sleep safely in our beds till the threat is gone!"
Princess Celestia looked around blankly. From Prince Blueblood to Cadance to Shining Armour and finally to her beloved pupil, Twilight Sparkle. Thinking how best to phrase the answer, she summoned forth her vast intellect and a millennium's experience in verbal debate. "Blerrrb...a royal cookie to anyone who can talk some sense into this, this..." Imbecile she desperately wanted to add.
"Cookies?"
"You're baking?"
"Princess! Its an honour!"
"Make it an entire jar, and you've got a deal, Auntie!"
"Done, one jar each."
"Firstly," Twilight Sparkle stepped to the fore, invigorated with the promise of Royally baked treats which would go straight to her flanks. "The underlying magic is unsound. Ripping Equestria from its foundations and hurling ourselves through the void would kill us all. Besides, I doubt we could do it; even with every unicorn working in concert with the Princesses. And even if we did, your potion would not work - that's butter mixed with cider, I'm sure of it."
"Well excuse me, but you are obvious unlearned in alchemy." The pale mare huffed. "It's butter, cider and ditchwater. A most potent brew-"
"Secondly," Shining Armour began, trotting to his sister's side. "We could hardly fight them off. We've got tweny-five million ponies at the last census, and ten thousand in the guard. And if the stories are to be believed, those 'Humans' have billions in numbers and heaven knows how many soldiers. And these stories are hundreds of years old. Not good odds, not good odds at all."
"Yeah well, we have armour. And Magic."
"For all we know, so will the 'Humans'."
"Yeah, but, ours is better-"
"Thirdly," Cadance said, as she circled the pale mare with a disapproving look upon her beautiful features. "Invading someone else's world, even for a completely fictional species, is hardly spreading harmony. Equestria has been built on the foundations of Harmony since its inception and we will not abandon it to go on some wild goose chase. And even if these 'Humans' are real and that we could possibly take their world, we would not for that would make us hypocrites; we cannot justify it."
"Yes we can! We -"
"Can't pay for it." Prince Blueblood said finally, as he stopped his pacing between his cousin and Twilight. "I'm going to assume that hurling ourselves through the void is going to disrupt every industry there is. It's a logistical and economical disaster. No food means no bronze smiths, which means no weapons and armour, which means no fighting force, which means no war. They'd swarm us under, assuming we don't starve to death first. Also, you're a fat head"
"Did you call me fat?"
"No."
"W...why! Is this not the Morning Court!" The pale mare screamed, dropping the ground like a sack of pillows and butter. "Will the Princess not address my concerns? Will the children of Equestria sleep uneasily knowing..."
"Can we throw her off the tower?" Blueblood whispered. " Please Auntie? We could say that the floor collapsed beneath her enormous thighs-"
"Blueblood!" Twilight snapped. "Don't make fun of her! She is obviously a very disturbed mare and we really must help her-"
"By throwing her into the nuthouse?" Shining Armour added.
"Shining, I'll let that comment slide just this once," Cadance replied with a sigh. "On account of exceptional circumstances." She pointed a hoof towards the bawling mare.
"I...I refuse to leave! I refuse to leave until we are all safe from them!"
Four ponies turned to Princess Celestia, and she found herself, amazingly shaking her head gently. 'I'm so so sorry, my little ponies. Tradition dictates we must endure the Court, no matter how small - or foolish the questions."
"Well, then there's only one solution then," BLueblood murmured, as he exchanged glances with Shining Armour and Cadance. "Cousin, Captain Oaf, are you on the same page as me?"
"To the moon,"
"Yes, to the moon,"
"Lovely, glad we're all agreeable."
"No!" Twilight shrieked. "We can't just send someone to the moon for being an idiot!"
"Twilight, calm down,"Princess Celestia intervened. "It was a joke, right? Right?"
"Yes, Princess."
"Yes Auntie."
"I still say we send her to the moon. Maybe she'll find her 'Humans' there."
"Blueblood!" Twilight yelled, clipping his ear with a minor cantrip.
"Ow, fine."
Behind them, the prone form of the pale mare firmly refusing to budge could be seen. "What do you suppose we do then?" Blueblood asked.
"I am at a loss, dear nephew. This Morning Court has been highly irregular..." Princess Celestia said.
"Moon."
"No."
"Nuthouse?"
"Shining! Not you too!"
"Sorry, Twiley"
"I could make her fall in love with some guard?" Cadance ventured.
"Cousin dear, there is no enemy in the world I have that I would like to inflict that upon," Prince Blueblood commented, as he pointed to the ample rotundness of the subject at hoof. " Except maybe a certain gold-digger from-"
"That had better not be who I'm thinking it is, Blueblood!" Twilight cried.
"Fine. King Sombra?"
"Fine, I concede to that." Twilight agreed in a huff. "Cadance, can you make some one fall in love with a bit of horn?"
"No."
"Well, it was a bad idea anyway, " Twilight sighed. "Hang on a second! I may have gotten something!"
Princess Celestia watched as Twilight practically shone, as an idea worked its way through the well oiled muscles of her mind, showing through the chubby muscles of her neck. The lavender mare stepped carefully around, first towards her brother and his wife, whispering in a conspiratorial manner. Twilight then made her way towards Blueblood, who watched her with an apprehensive look on his face, one that quickly turned to outrage, which was quickly subdued by a whispered promise into his ear. Finally Twilight approached her.
"Princess, I would like you to..."
+---+
"Who dares trespass in the Sanctum of the Sun Princess!" Princess Celestia cried as she slammed a hoof down upon the lectern, cracking the lacquer and sending the pale mare sitting up right in an instant. Around her, Twilight, Shining, Cadance and Blueblood took their places, some more enthusiastically than others. As for herself, Princess Celestia found that there were worse things than chewing the scenery.
"It is I, o' Sun Princess, the Lord Human of All Emperors!" Prince Blueblood sighed. "This is asinine."
"Lord Emperor of All Humans!" Twilight hissed.
"That's what I said, o' chubby pony!"
"Hey!"
"Ahem! Lord Emperor or All Humans!" Blueblood coughed, as he raised a hoof dramatically, to level it at Princess Celestia's nose. "And I have possessed the body of this most handsome and talented prince to rape your lands and pillage your chubby mares!"
"You're doing this on purpose." Twilight whispered, throwing the prince an accusing glare.
"Yes. This is idiocy, no one would believe this anyway-"
"See!" The pale mare shrieked. "I told you! I told you all, and you wouldn't listen! Now the humans are here and we're all going to get turned into glue!"
"I stand corrected."
"You will not pillage? Really? my sister on my watch!" Shining Armour cried. He had donned his full ceremonial armour, summoning it from his quarters with a spell and now cut a dashing figure in bronze and silver as he faced down the ancient and unspeakable enemy of all pony kind clad in the flesh of the modern and charming enemy of all mare kind. "Also, she's not that chubby."
"Gee, thanks Shining," Twilight sighed, flopping her head into her hooves once more. "That helps sooo much."
"Aha, it is I, er...name, human name please?" Cadance whispered frantically, clearly beginning to enjoy herself.
"Um, Alfalfa Hydra!" Princess Celestia supplied helpfully.
"It is I Alfalfa Hydra, Lady of um, human things!" Cadance improvised, striking a pose worthy of an bad pegasus action film. " I had taken the flesh of this beautiful and charming mare so that I can um, well, do human things in Equestria! Evilly!"
"Sometimes I wonder if they're related at all," Twilight sighed, looking at the posing pair of cousins. "And then, this sort of thing happens and there's no doubt left."
"No! Not the princess!" the pale mare wept. "The Princess of Love has fallen!"
"Erm, Yes. Captain, Twilight to me! Rally to me!" Princess Celestia shrieked gleefully. "Oooh, I've always wanted to say that. Rally to me! We shall overcome these 'Humans'!"
The two groups faced off in the center of the audience chambers, a veritable tension permeating the air as they met, eye to eye, hoof to hoof and horn to horn, each await for the fatal mistake that would spell the doom of the maker. Princess Celestia stood erect, to her full regal glory,her wings unfurled and shining with the rays of the sun. Twilight and Shining flanked her, both awashed in the auras of their full and considerable power.
Opposing them, Cadance stood tall, her horn ablaze with an indigo light, tall and stately and yet delicate at the same time. Blueblood, a stallion full grown would have been an intimidating figure, with his radiant azure magic aura and imposing and well muscled stature - had he actually given a flying feather to put a modicum of effort into it.
"This is it! 'Humans' will exterminate ponies!" Cadance roared, clearly thrilled. Along side her, Blueblood mouthed the same lines, albeit less enthusiastically.
"You shall not harm any pony under my watch, foul 'Human'!" Princess Celestia cackled, a little too into her role.
"Careful, Auntie, you're supposed to be the good one here." Blueblood sighed. "Oh my, I, the Lord Emperor of All Ponies - I mean Humans fear you not, Sun Princess. Nor your chubby pony, nor the rattling tin can over there."
"Hey!" Along side Princess Celestia, brother and sister cried out in unison.
"Yeah! Alfalfa Hydra would like to add that the chubby pony is not really that chubby; pleasantly plump I'd say, and that the tin can looks rather regal." Cadance cried,flourishing her hooves at them.
"Yeah, thanks?" Twilight mumbled.
"Thanks sweetie," Shining blushed, flexing in his armour.
"Oh shush, stick to the script." Princess Celestia giggled, feeling more alive than she had felt all day. "Then we can go for a late lunch and then you'll help me make your cookies."
"That's what I wanted to hear, " Blueblood growled. "Lets get this over and done wi-"
"Wait!" Shining yelled. "Waaaaait!"
"What?" Blueblood scowled.
"Alfalfa Hydra, remember your love for me!!!!" Shining Armour cried, dropping to one of his rear legs in a bow. "The power of love and friendship overcomes all! Come to me my sweeeeeetie!"
"Oh Shining," Cadance blushed, a wet soppy grin appearing on her face. "Alfalfa Hydra should really stick to the script but you're so charming, you."
"What?" Blueblood gaped, his jaw hanging open "What? Now this is just unfair! I could take any one of you in a fight, but all four at once? Alfalbleh - Cadance was supposed to be on my side," he whined.
"Alfalfa Hydra has seen the superiority of the Pony race and has defected to be with her true love," Cadance said dreamily, taking her place at Shining Armour's side. "I think the Emperor is jealous, dear."
"Yeah? You know what the Lord Pony of Emperor Humans thinks? The Lord Pony of Emperor thinks that-"
"Get him!" Princess Celestia cried, a maniac grin appearing on her face. Oh, this is fun.
With a roar, three ponies and one hefty Alicorn tackled the prince to the ground. "And so falls Lord Emperor of Human Ponyking XIII, Ruler of Human Land, Lord Protector of something or the other. Ow." Blueblood mumbled from beneath the pile of ponies. "My rule was short but eventful, and I die now with no regrets; with a chubby mare on my-" he was cut off as a lavender hoof came down upon his face.
"Well, think we convinced her?" Shining Armour said, his voice muffled by his wife's wings.
"I don't know." Twilight replied. "Princess, your wings are covering everything. "Sorry, Cadance, you too."
"Oh sorry, dear." Princesss Celestia laughed, exhilarated. She turned, to look at the pale mare; still prone as she was, but this time with an expression of awe upon her pie-like face. "Well, erm, my little pony," she said, looking at the pale mare with a sincere smile. "Does that alleviate your fears about the 'Humans'? Can you and your foals now sleep in ease at night, knowing that we will always watch over you? As long as I am here you will be protected; it is my promise as a princess."
The pale mare gasped, and bowed once. "Yes, your Majesty. Truly, it is a wonder I have witnessed today. The Promise of a Princess..."
"Then I am content," Princess Celestia replied, a serene ghost of a smile gracing her lips. Now please get the flying feather out of my castle.
"Are we done? Great. Now get your great FAT flanks off me." Blueblood complained. "You didn't have to hit me, you know."
"Quiet, you." Twilight's voice sounded from beneath her. "The Princess is sitting on me too, and it's oof, rather..."
"Twilight."
"Bearable?"
+---+
Night fell and the moon rose in great splendor as Princess Celestia retired to her chambers, content to allow her younger sister to do her work. This day had certainly been an eventful one, though perhaps not quite the good kind of eventful. Still they had made the best of it, herself and her little family. Why they'd even had some fun and good cheerful laughter out of the whole affair and cookies of course. Princess Celestia's hoof baked cookies, based on a thousand year old recipe she had read three years ago from Mulia Mild's cooking rag. I wonder why everyone likes them so much?
With a sigh, she looked out the window, as the distant moon sliver shone in, illuminating the room in a pale gossamer light, indicating that Luna was in charge now; morning had given way to evening, day to night. The more sedate Evening Court would now be in session, a formality to end the solstice. Another Morning Court had come and gone, but she was glad Twilight and Shining and Cadance had been there. Oh, and Blueblood too. She added as an afterthought as she laid herself down upon silken sheets, cool in the nights breeze.
By now, Shining Armour would have retired to his royal suite with his wife, Alfalfa Hydra both of them clearly and earnestly hungry for the frolicking that they had been denied early on through the day. Twilight would doubtlessly be in the library, reading up on whatever caught her fancy, perhaps it would be Human Myth today, or perhaps an extended read up on Mental Illnesses and Obscure Diseases. In fact she was probably snugly nestled in her fortress of tomes, munching on Blueblood's share of the cookies while letting it all go to her flank. And as for Blueblood, who was to say? He could be nursing his black eye, or he could be in Canterlot City proper, visiting his poker club or... perhaps most likely, he would be tracking down his errant cookies and would soon find himself with company.
The Morning Courts were one of Equestria's oldest and most hallowed traditions; beginning at Sun's zenith upon the summer solstice. It was a celebration that would have once dwarfed the Galloping Gala; a week long fete that the princesses opened, reaffirming to all of Equestria that their promise of safety and prosperity would never be forgotten. It was during this grand celebration that the plebeians and commons had chance to petition the diarchs of Equestria.
And so it would be a time for mediation, for reconciliation and the planting of seeds of friendship between feuding factions; golden like a warm summer's morning dawn, full of promise of a bright future. But perhaps most of all, it was a chance for the entirety of her family, Equestria herself to see her and if need be, petition her. The brave ones, the strong ones, the fearful ones, the sick ones. And the ones nuttier than Discord in a bag of peanuts. She thought with a sad laugh. It was tough going sometimes, but Twilight would be there, and Candance, and Shining Armour. Luna would be ever at her side and even Blueblood, for all his eccentricities, could be counted upon in in a pinch. Reassured, Princess Celestia, The Lady of Dawn's Golden Light, Warden of the Sun and Protector of Equestria sighed and sank into her pillows.
Oh my little family, my dear family, she thought fondly as she closed her eyes. What would I do without you?
"Sister of mine!!!" A roaring voice burst through the night like the sound of thunder. "There is a strange mare here!"
Princess Celestia's eyes flickered open, bloodshot, as a horrible feeling rose from the depths of her stomach. No! Surely she wouldn't have the unmitigated candor to...
"Lady Fatty MacFat-Fat of Chateau le Annoyance claims Princesshood by virtue that she aided your defeat of the Lard Emporium of Humbugs?"
