A Lost Track of Time

by NotARealPonydotcom

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 10943

Only the best and bravest ponies are excepted into the Royal Guard. But even they tend to slip up sometimes.

Light Crush, a member of the prestigious and high-ranking Solar Guard, wakes up one morning at his boss's desk with a hangover, no memory of the night before, a suspicious note tucked in a helmet that isn't his, a bitten and slightly bloody neck, and a suspicious scent emanating from in between his legs. Oh, and it's the day of Princess Twilight's coronation. It's in twenty minutes.

Just another day in the Equestrian Royal Guard.
---
Written for a flash fiction over on EQD, which is my excuse for how hastily written this is.

Cover Image © Equestria-Prevails

Published 2013-05-27 16:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-27 16:40:01 UTC

Waking Up On Sunday Morning

A Lost Track of Time
Something hastily written, long, and containing a moral
by NotARealPonydotcom

_________________________________________________________________________________________

"I'm not doing this, Shade. That stuff's not safe."

"Oh, yes you are. There's no talking your way out of this."

"It's not happening, dude."

"Oh, come on, Crush! It'll be fun, I swear!"

"Jaz, please..."

"Please, Crush? I'll give you a kiss if you do..."

"I don't-"

"Stop distracting him, Jaz, he's busy right now."

"Guys, if he doesn't want to try it, don't make him-"

"Berry, please go suck on a salt lick. Crush, open up."

"Shade, stop, seriousl-MMMPH!"

"There, see? Not bad at all!"

"...Oh dear. He's not breathing, Shade."

"Wha? Oh, sh-"

○

"Hey, Rosewater, did I ever tell you why I like you?"

"Sweet Luna, you're so drunk right now."

"So's ev'rypony else!"

"Shut up, Shade! Rosey, I'm not drunk! I've gotta be-"

"At the coronation tomorrow, we know. And yes, Light Crush, you're drunk, because you never, ever call me Rosey unless you're drunk!"

"...Well, you're dumb!"

"Ha! Good one!"

○

"Berry, don't!"

"Hnyah! You can't tell me what to do!"

"I told you the Applejack Daniels was too much for him!"

"Shut the buck up, Shade!"

"Berry, get down from there!"

"Suck it, bitches!"

"BERRY, NO! YOU CAN'T FLY!"

○

"Mmm..."

"Oh Celestia, Crush, where did you learn that?"

"M'part of the Royal Guard, m'am. I know lot's a'things."

"Ooh~!"

"Mmm... Uh, what're you--Oof!"

"Oh, I'm gonna fuck your brains out..."

"Oh... 'Kay..."

○

"Here's to never dying, ever!"

"Cheers!"

"Here here!"

"Woo!"

"Hic!"

•

The first thing Second Lieutenant Light Crush noticed when he woke up on the morning of Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation was that he was not in his own bed. He was not, in fact, in a bed at all, or in his house, or at anypony else's house. He was sitting in a very large, comfortable chair lying face down on what he guessed was a desk.

The second thing he noticed was the horrible throbbing pain in his head. It beat against the sides of his skull, to the point that he could not move his hooves to his head to try and dull the aches without going into spasms from the pain. So he lay there awkwardly, with his forelegs hanging limply from his sides and his eyes screwed shut. He could hear the sound of countless hooves pounding past him, and he wondered why nopony had bothered to check up on him to see if he was dead. Eventually, he turned his head, resting his cheek on the surface of the desk, and cracked an eye open, wincing at the light shining in from the windows of...

...Captain Shining Armor's office.

Two bloodshot, arctic blue eyes went wide with horror as Light Crush realized where he was, and he shot up in his seat, forgetting momentarily the throbbing in his head. As he hit the back of the chair with his head, though, the world spun, and he let out a massive groan.

"Aaoughhh..." He gripped the sides of his head with his hooves, trying to still the beating drums in his head. This accomplished little, as massaging the skull does nothing to stop the effects of a hangover, which is exactly what Light Crush had, as well as blood loss and temporary (or perhaps permanent) amnesia. The hangover, he'd known he'd had since he'd woken up. He'd realized he had amnesia when he'd tried to comprehend how he'd gotten into his superior officer's private quarters and came up with no explanation. The blood loss, he did not figure out he had until he noticed the splotches of blood on the desktop and connected them with the bite marks on his neck and the smears of crimson in his otherwise pearly white coat. He panicked, then grabbed his head in pain again as the hangover throbbed against his temples. As he pointed his head down towards his lap, he saw something even more horrifying: there was blood on his dick, which was, for whatever reason, fully erect. He felt like vomiting.

"What the buck..." He was made aware again of the stomping of hooves. They'd sounded far away when he'd first awoken, but he could see now that they had come from beyond the door leading out of Shining Armor's office. Once more, though, he found himself wondering why so many ponies were so active this early in the morning (actually, he didn't know what time it was, and didn't care, either), and it occurred to him something special was happening today. He got out of the chair, stumbled, fell over, got up, stumbled again, used the bloody desk for support, and managed to hold himself steady for about ten seconds before he slid to the floor again, breathing hard and wincing at further pains caused by his hangover.

"Sweet Princesses of Equestria," he mumbled to himself, "how much did I drink last-"

Princesses.

His eyes shot open again. He turned himself this way and that, looking for a timepiece of any kind to tell him, as timepieces do, what time it was. After pulling himself around a corner of the desk (he still could not walk properly), he found a grandfather clock father that proudly showed the time 11:40 on its face. In approximately twenty minutes, the coronation of the Princess Twilight Sparkle would begin. Light Crush was supposed to be in charge of ensuring that nothing went wrong.

And here he was, lying in his boss's office with a hangover, a bloody neck (and dick), and a very very dim memory of what had happened the night before.

"Oh, buck me."

Disregarding his hangover for the moment, Crush breathed deeply and waited for his hard-on to go away before he got to his hooves and made his way swiftly to the door, trying his best not to seem like he'd just woken up after a night of what he assumed was an attack on the bars of Canterlot. It occurred to him that he had no idea where his armor was, and he knew that he'd need it if he was to appear at the coronation at all. With a goal now set, Light Crush took several deeps breaths, fluttered his wings to make sure that they were straight and unharmed, and opened the door quickly, exiting into the hallway outside the office of Shining Armor.

He was met with total chaos. Countless guards, of both Luna's and Celestia's branches of the Royal Guard, were stampeding through the hall, all of them with slightly-less-than-stoic expressions on their face. It seemed that the abruptness of the coronation was taking it's toll on everypony in the castle, not just his Solar Guards, who were the only ones who would actually be assisting in the ceremony. Everypony else just stood guard around the castle, like it was any other day. Light Crush chuckled quietly as two bat pony guards slammed into each other in the confusion, and started down the hall, in the direction of his own private quarters. He hoped his armor was there, though he doubted it, as his last good memory was of him being dragged off with it still on his body.

Crush stopped in the middle of the hallway as he remembered who it was that had pulled him away before he had time to put away his armor.

That son of a bitch.

A unicorn guard bumped into his backside, and the contact with a horn against his flanks made Crush jump.

The guard began to apologize: "Oh, sorry, uh-" He was promptly interrupted by Crush, who grabbed the unicorn's shoulders and shook him slightly.

"Grey Shade. Do you know where he is?"

The guard winced at both the sound of Crush's voice and the smell of his breath (wheels on gravel and rotted hay fries, respectively), and he took a step back, waving a hoof to ward off the smell.

"I don't, Lieutenant Crush." He coughed. "But I'm glad I found you, sir. Your brother is in Princess Luna's study. He wants to see you, and he sent me to find you." The unicorn didn't seem to notice Crush's damaged shoulder.

Light Crush blinked, remembered he had a brother, and slapped the unicorn's shoulder. "Thank you, uh..."

The unicorn saluted. "Ocean, sir. Ocean Wave."

"Thank you, Ocean. I'll remember this." He began to leave, remembered something, and turned back to the unicorn. "Oh, and would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Sir?"

"In Shining Armor's office, there's a few blood stains on his desk. Clean them up for me, would you? If you're caught, tell them I sent you to do this. Thanks." And he was off, rubbing his temple with a wing.

Ocean Wave stared blankly at the retreating lieutenant for a moment. He resigned himself to his fate, turned, and approached Shining Armor's office, wondering whether or not the blood on the desk was actually Crush's.

Light Crush made his way shakily down the hallways of the castle, trying his best not to look as hungover as he felt. Whenever a guard nodded to him, he nodded back. Whenever he bumped into a pony (which was frequently), he apologized, keeping his face pointed away from the pony so that they would not smell his breath, which tasted to him like the remains of last night's poor choices. Regarding said night, Crush grew angrier and angrier as more pieces of his faulty memory returned to him. He recalled more about being dragged away, and of the ponies who dragged him.

"Grey Shade, you son of a bitch," he grumbled under his breath. "You'd better be dead already, because if not, I'm gonna kill you myself..."

•

"Hey, Crush!"

Light Crush turned to see three familiar forms approaching him. He smiled and waved to them.

"Hey, Jasmine, hey Rosewater." He paused, smirked, and added, "Hey, Shade."

"That's right, ya weirdo." The bat pony who led the trio grabbed Crush and gave him a noogie. "Say my name like it's me you've got a crush on."

Crush struggled to get out of his best friend's grip. Grey Shade was a large, intimidating bat pony, with a body worthy of his rank: Second Lieutenant of the Lunar Guard, the Lunar rendition of Crush's position. He had a stereotypically dark grey coat, and his brilliant gold eyes shone with almost manic humor as he tortured his best friend's blonde mane.

"Rrgh!" Crush struggled harder, making Shade laugh harder. Crush said, "Stop acting like a high school jock, Shade, it looks bad on you!"

Shade chuckled, let Crush go, and got into a mock fighting stance, the kind that all high school ponies had used to make it look like they knew what they were doing (you know the one).

"Alright, bro, let's do this!" he said in his best "dumb jock" voice. "You and me, church playground, right now!"

Crush laughed, and turned back to his office door. He was done for the day, and he was ready for a nice, relaxing evening at home. He snatched his key ring out of his satchel with a wing, and searched for the right key while he spoke with Shade.

"Don't you have a guard to tend to, Shade? And aren't you part of that guard, Rosewater?"

Rosewater was the bat pony to Grey Shade's right. Her coat was several shades lighter than Shade's and tinted purple, something inherited from her pegasus mother. Her eyes were the shade from which she took her name, and she spoke very elegantly, despite her hatred of "those pompous snobs from the so-called 'high society' of Canterlot." She stepped forward and nudged Grey Shade aside.

"Normally, yes, but-"

She was interrupted by Shade. "We have the night off!"

Crush dropped his keys and spun around. He looked Shade in the eye, saw he was telling the truth, and whispered, "Oh no."

"Oh yeah!" The bat pony to Shade's left began to bounce excitedly on her hooves. This was Jasmine, not a member of the Lunar Guard (yet) but still very close to Shade and Crush. She had been the one who Shade had been talking about when he'd said Crush had a crush on somepony, and Shade had been right: between her bubbly, loving personality, her signature adorable expressions, her pristine blue-grey coat and pitch black mane, her glowing green-gold eyes, and the ridiculously attractive shape of her body, she was, in Crush's eyes, the perfect mare. This, he would never admit. When sober.

"Shade," Crush started, picking his keys up, "You aren't really coming to me suggesting we-"

He was interrupted by a hoof wrapping around his neck and yanking him away from his office door. Shade pulled him with determined force, and Rosewater and Jasmine followed, the later giggling cutely as Crush struggled to escape the bat pony's iron grip.

"Yep," Grey Shade said, "It's destiny, my friends." He pulled Crush to his hooves and let him go, patting him on the back and saying, "Your brother's already waiting for us at the first stop. After a year of planning and waiting, tonight is finally the night for...The Crawl!"

This he announced to the empty halls of the Canterlot Castle, and Jasmine followed up with a cheer of "Let's do it!"

•

Light Crush approached the doors leading to Princess Luna's private quarters, leaning against a wall for support. He knew his brother would be able to shed some light on the events of the night before, but he was still reluctant to step through the sacred doors in front of him. He stood still, leaning against the wall, trying to get the pounding noises out of his ears. He knew how it had all started, now: Grey Shade had wanted to pull off the insane, almost-suicidal stunt known as The Crawl.

The Crawl's premise was simple enough: visit each and every bar in Canterlot, ask for their special, and drink it down when it showed up in front of you. It was a fantastic idea, Crush had said a year ago when he was still a lowly Private. Now, after several extraordinarily lucky promotions, he knew that it was suicide to attempt it, with what was at risk. It was also impossible now, he insisted, as Canterlot's population of bar's had increased at a surprisingly fast rate since the Changeling Invasion a year ago. Still, Shade had insisted that they pull it off somehow, and he, Crush, Jasmine, Rosewater, and Crush's brother finally came to an agreement: should there come a night when the bat ponies in the group were somehow given the night off, the five of them would scramble to meet up, whatever the situation, and set out on the journey known as The Crawl, to have the best night of any of their lives. At the time of the vow, only Crush's brother, Berry, had been against it.

Berry Crush was an odd pony. He was a unicorn, unlike his brother, and was often asked why, as if he might have the answer stored in his horn. He seemed, at first, to be reserved, and almost shy. He was very secluded, and seemed to vanish whenever somepony wanted to strike up a conversation with him. He had a very feminine look, with the blue-white-colored mane of their mother, which he always kept (when not in armor) in long, waterfall-like bands. He was thin, had the same coat color as his brother, and his voice was tiny...if you didn't know him. Those who were his friends (mainly Jasmine, Grey Shade, Rosewater, and his brother) knew him as a very likeable guy, never the center of attention, but a great person to laugh and share a few drinks with. For whatever reason, he was always Berry, while Light Crush was referred to by their shared last name, perhaps because of his seniority. Crush was also certain Berry was gay, though he'd never asked him about it and never would.

Crush recalled more and more of the night as he leaned against the wall. He stared at the door leading to Princess Luna's chambers, and thought of how the night had started out so perfectly...

•

The first bar was called The Smelly Stable, and for a good reason. The place was garbage, with moldy, fly-ridden tables and moldy, fly-ridden ponies seated at said tables. When the five ponies had walked into The Smelly Stable, Berry took one sniff of the place and winced.

"Oh man," he gagged, putting a hoof over his mouth and then removing it immediately after realizing where it had just stepped. He turned to Grey Shade. "Grey, is this seriously the first stop?"

The bat pony shrugged and started towards the bar. "Sure. We start small, so we can save the best for last."

Jasmine and Rosewater followed him, and Crush followed Jasmine. Berry took another whiff, winced again, and followed his brother hesitantly. The four equines sat at a grimy booth near the counter while Grey Shades ordered, and Jasmine played with the coasters, sliding them towards Crush, who sat across from her and slid them back to her while he chatted with Rosewater. Berry was staring at the ceiling.

"So, how did you guys get the night off, anyway?" he asked.

Rosewater giggled. "Oh, it was Captain Armor. For whatever reason, the poor stallion has been going out of his mind trying to make the coronation perfect. He snapped today, and the entire Lunar Guard has been dismissed for the night and all of tomorrow! I think he's got the impression he can set up the entire ceremony by himself."

Berry looked away from the ceiling and watched Jasmine fire coasters at his brother. He said, "It's his sister, you know. She's the one getting crowned Princess tomorrow."

"Oh, I know, but still! He's more nervous than he was at his own wedding! He's acting more ridiculous than Captain Beats was today!"

Crush batted away a coaster headed for his eyes. "Captain Beats has lost her mind, too?"

"No, but she's fawning over the whole thing like she's the one being crowned tomorrow! Honestly, I feel bad for Captain Burst, having to deal with her all the time!"

Berry rubbed his chin and said, "I think he likes it, actually. Maybe he's a masochist."

Everypony at the table laughed as Grey Shade approached, a tray of drinks held up with a wing. He frowned as he set the tray down.

"Aw, man, did I miss a good joke?" he said as he sat down next to Crush.

"Oh, we were just chatting about how ridiculous it is we've been exiled from the coronation tomorrow," Rosewater said, reaching for her drink. The special at The Smelly Stable was Silverstar's Brew, served warm.

"Oh, come off it, you two!" Jasmine said, snatching her glass up and studying it carefully. "We all know you would have just snuck away in the middle of the coronation to have sex. You always do that."

Rosewater blushed, and Grey Shade tapped a hoof on the tabletop. They'd been in a relationship for more than two years. Crush just snorted, passed a glass to Berry, and studied his own. His eye twitched when he noticed how filthy the glasses were.

"Alright, everypony," Shade said, raising his glass with a wing. "The Crawl begins here, with this glass, and ends...well, wherever the last bar is! Bottoms up!"

"I'm not doing this, Shade." Crush set his glass down, staring at it with a trace of fear in his eyes. "That stuff's not safe."

Shade laughed as Jasmine chugged her beer. "Oh, yes you are." He took a long gulp of his drink and leaned over to leer at the white pegasus. "There's no talking your way out of this." He took Crush's glass and scooted it towards him.

Crush scooted it back, and glared at the bat pony. "It's not happening, dude."

Jasmine, who had finished her drink and could handle quite a bit of alcohol, wiped her lips clean and leaned towards Crush. "Oh, come on, Crush! It'll be fun, I swear!" She gave him puppy dog eyes that made him nervous.

"Jaz, please..."

Her stare did not let up. "Please, Crush? I'll give you a kiss if you do..." She fluttered her eyelashes teasingly at him.

Crush's cheeks turned a violent shade of red. He tried to say something: "I don't-"

Grey Shade slammed his hoof down, making everypony jump except Berry, who was taking his time downing his beer. Rosewater spat some of her drink back into its glass as Shade said, "Stop distracting him, Jaz, he's busy right now."

Berry put down his glass slowly, turned to Shade, and said quietly, "Guys, if he doesn't want to try it, don't make him-"

"Berry, please go suck on a salt lick," Shade replied. He grabbed Crush's glass and brought it to the pegasus's mouth. "Crush, open up."

Crush pushed the glass away again. "Shade, stop, seriousl-MMMPH!"

The glass had been forced into his mouth, and Crush was now guzzling the warm, probably filthy booze as Shade forced it down his throat. He was aware of a burning in his lungs telling him to breathe, right now, and spots burst in his vision as the drink was finished. He sputtered, tried to finally breathe, failed, and faceplanted on the table.

"There, see? Not bad at all!" Grey Shade said, as though he were a father who'd just fed his toddler something the baby did not like. He set the glass down next to Crush's head and went back to his own, sipping contently. Rosewater examined Crush, who was lying very still and had shut his eyes.

"...Oh dear," she said after a moment. "He's not breathing, Shade."

Shade finished his drink and set it down before acknowledging Rosewater's comment.

"Wha?" He saw Crush lying still on the table. "Oh, sh-"

That was when Crush truly fell unconscious.

•

Crush groaned as though it had been just now that he'd been knocked out by terrible beer. Maybe the night hadn't started as perfectly as he'd originally thought. Things had gotten better, he was remembering, as the group made their way from bar to bar.

Crush had woken up at the next stop on The Crawl, a joint called the Salted Shoe which had been twenty times cleaner than the Smelly Stable. He'd been treated to an ice cold Buckweiser (this was a casual place with casual half-off specials), which he gulped down thirstily, much to the amusement of Jasmine. That round was finished quickly, as were the next three (he could not remember their names or anything that happened at them, and he never would), and things were looking pretty good for them at that point.

Somepony bumped into Crush, sending him crashing to the floor. The other pony stopped and rushed to help him, apologizing quickly. Crush recognized him as a member of the Lunar Guard, and questioned him as to where Grey Shade might have been.

"I have no idea, sir," the bat pony said. "Nopony's seen Lieutenant Shade since yesterday."

Thank's anyway," Crush said. The Lunar Guard saluted and turned to leave, but was stopped by another question from Crush:

"Hey, why are you here today?"

The bat pony turned. "Sir?"

"Why are you here, private? Aren't you in the Lunar Guard?"

The bat pony tilted his head. "I--I don't understand, sir."

"The Lunar Guard was dismissed for today, by Captain Armor. Grey Shade told me so."

The guard shook his head. "The Lunar Guard was never dismissed, sir. It was only Lieutenant Shade and one of the Privates, and that was because Captain Beats was angry at them for not taking the assignment seriously."

Light Crush tried to imagine the perpetually-cheerful Captain Beats angry, failed, and then realized that he'd been lied to. As rage began to fill him, he gritted his teeth and said to the guard, "Thank you, soldier. You may go now."

The bat pony nodded, saluted, and left Crush to his devices, which involved him waiting for the guard to be around the corner before her kicked at the wall he'd been leaning on.

"Celestia BUCKING dammit!" he yelled as pain shot up his leg. He groaned and slid down the wall as his head let loose a fresh series of throbs, in time with the ones in his leg, and he wondered if Berry was getting impatient with him. He decided to wait for the throbbing to cease, or until his memory returned, whichever came first. Somehow, he could recall very well the first five bars or so, and he figured it was because he could take his alcohol (or maybe he'd only pretended to drink the first few beers). As he thought, he remembered which of them was the first to succumb to the intoxicating effects of alcohol...

•

The bar was called Friday on the Rocks, and it featured a neon mare lying on top of the bar's name licking a salt lick as seductively as one could do so. The special that night was Berry's Punch, a fruity sort of malt liquor that was named after some mare from a nearby suburb with a knack for making (and drinking) booze. Grey Shade and Jasmine were the most sober of the group, still acting exactly the same as they usually did. Crush's head was fuzzy, and Rosewater would giggle oddly every so often. Berry was stumbling a little, and hiccuped every minute or so.

"Here's to never dying, ever!" Shade announced, holding up his mug of Punch. The other's followed his cue, and Berry spilled some drink on Rosewater, who ignored him.

"Cheers!"

"Here here!"

"Woo!"

"Hic!"

Berry chugged his mug, and slammed it down with his magic. He smacked his lips goofily, and Jasmine giggled cutely.

"Guess you really love having a drink named after you, huh, Berry?" She put an emphasis on his name that made Crush snort into his drink. Berry looked over at her, then Crush, and he started laughing loudly. No, laughing was the wrong word: it was more like he was repeating the word "Ha!" over and over.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" said Berry, before he looked into his glass and frowned. Crush finished his glass and patted his brother on the back.

"Don't worry, bro, we'll be done in a second." He turned to Rosewater. "Come on, red-eyes, finish it! We gotta move, if we wanna get this done tonight!"

Rosewater turned her chin up at him, flipping her violet mane as she did. She sipped daintily at her malt, and waited for Crush and Berry to groan before chugging the rest of it and slamming the glass down.

"Ba da boom!" she yelled, leaning back. "That, my little ponies, is how it is done!" Grey Shade wolf-whistled.

And it was off to the next one. On their way out of their booth, Berry fell to the ground and could not get back up again. Crush helped him, and suggested to Grey Shade that they take him home.

"Nah, that's just wasting time," he replied. "Besides, we're not the Timberwolf Pack if we don't have Berry Crush!"

"The what?" asked Rosewater.

"The Timberwolf Pack!" Shade said. "It's our group name! It's great, right? Totally great." He nodded, even though nopony had said anything.

Jasmine rubbed a hoof against her chin and said, "How about..." Her face lit up. "Ooh! The Dragon Pack! That's so much cooler!"

Crush smiled and said, "I love you!" He hiccuped, and corrected, "I mean 'it.' The name. I love the name." He snorted.

While Jasmine gave him an odd look, Grey Shade stopped walking and thought for a while. Finally, he came to a verdict:

"Fillies and gentlecolts, the Dragon Pack is officially in business!"

•

Light Crush stared at the ground, thinking over what he'd said. He'd said, "I love you." Right to her face. And then what? Berry was the one drunk off his flank, so why was it so hard for him to remember? He groaned again, and the pounding continued incessantly. He wished all these ponies around him would stop walking. And one did.

"Hey, Crush!" It was Jasmine. He looked up at her, and he tried to scramble to his hooves. Jasmine giggled as he stumbled.

"Jasmine!" he yelled, before realizing that she was, in fact, right in front of him. "Uh, sorry."

"That's alright," she said, giggling again. She seemed unusually happy today, which made no sense to Crush. "You must be exhausted, after last night." She moved closer. "At the very least, you've gotta be hungover."

"Yeah, I really am." Crush wondered why she thought it was normal for ponies to have conversations with their faces five inches apart. "Listen, about last night-"

Jasmine wrapped her forelegs around him and kissed him passionately. On. The. Lips. He tasted the remnants of the drinks from the night before, and he gasped when he slid her tongue in his mouth and played around with it for a few seconds. His eyes were wide open the entire kiss, and he was sure he would never see an eyelash so close up ever again. Their mouths finally separated, and Jasmine trailed her tongue along his lips before slipping it back past hers. Her eyes opened halfway, and she gave him a warm, seductive smile.

"Best," she said, and kissed him again, "night," and again, "ever." Once more, with greater gusto. Crush had not shut his eyes, or moved at all, or even breathed. He was waiting for the moment when he would wake up in his bed. That moment did not come, and he gave Jasmine an amazed look.

"R-Really?" he stammered, having no idea what she meant. "The best?"

She kept her forelegs wrapped around him, and pulled him close. "Mm-hmm." She rubbed noses with him. "The best. There's nopony I would have rather done that with."

The blood on his dick (which was once more fully erect) suddenly made sense. His eyes widened even more (somehow), and he said again, "Really?"

She kissed him again, and this time he shut is eyes and embraced it. It was heavenly.

"Yeah, really," she said when they pulled apart again. She nuzzled his neck, and he felt her tongue flick at the bites on his neck. She suddenly froze up, and pulled away from him to get a better look at his bite.

"Oh Celestia, you're still bleeding!" She looked as though she was about to cry. "I'm so sorry, Crush, I didn't mean to even do that, I swear, and you moaned so I thought you liked it, and I thought that it would heal up because of my spit and-"

"Jasmine!" Crush yelled, making her stop. He brought his hoof to her cheek, and softly said, "It's alright, really. It wasn't bleeding that badly." He smiled, and kissed her again. She grabbed his face with her hooves, and the two made out for what felt like an hour but was actually a few seconds. They split apart, and Jasmine looked emotional enough to cry.

"I--You're fantastic," she said, trembling. He felt like she had wanted to say something different.

"Thanks." He wanted to say something different, too.

Jasmine smiled, stood, and lifted Crush up with her. She gave him one last kiss on the cheek, and said, "Thanks. Don't forget, dinner next Saturday, okay?"

He just nodded. She smiled, said goodbye, and left. He watched her go, and as he stared at her swaying hips, he remembered why she'd have a reason to think he was "fantastic," and why he had blood on his dick...

•

They were leaving their eight or ninth bar (this one was the Frozen Cart, and it's margaritas were fantastically fruity) when Jasmine told them that Crush had left something back at the bar. He had not, but he was at this point tipsy enough to not be sure if she was right or not, so he agreed when Grey Shade sought confirmation. Shade sighed, told them the name of the next bar, and took Berry and Rosewater with him to their next destination. Crush saw Rosewater wink at Jasmine, and he wondered why.

"Hey, what did I leave in the bar?" Crush asked. Jasmine took his hoof and led him around the side of the bar, not inside it.

"Nothing," she said, pulling him along as they rounded another corner and stopped in a surprisingly clean alley that they were unnoticeable standing in. "I want to talk."

"What?" he complained. "Why? Were missin' the others getting drunk!" He wanted to say more, but Jasmine covered his mouth.

"Do you like me?" It was an odd question, and Crush was sure that it was not the one that she'd actually wanted to ask.

"Well, yeah! You're like, one of three friends I have!"

But Jasmine shook her head. "No, Crush. I mean, like. As in"--and here she took a step towards him--"kissing, cuddling, all of that. That like."

Oh Celestia, she caught me, Crush thought. Just play it cool. He laughed weirdly. "Kissing? You and me? Pfft!" He shook his head, snorting and huffing like a drunk. Which he was slowly becoming.

She looked disappointed for a moment, but she smiled and giggled a split second later and said, "Yeah, right? I mean, us kissing, that'd be like..." She had no words for the situation, so she began making exaggerated, wide-mouthed kissing motions. She opened her mouth wide and her tongue lolled out, and she made a sound something like "Nnyah nnyah nnyah" as she sat beside Crush in the alley. He began laughing louder, and he chimed in:

"Yeah, that'd be gross!" He began to mimic Jasmine, and the two spent the next five seconds "Nnyah"ing at nothing in particular. They turned to each other and got in each other's faces with the mocking. Jasmine put her forelegs on Crush's shoulders, and he leaned in closer to put his around her waist. Jasmine leaned in too, and suddenly they were "Nnyah"ing at each other's lips. Their mockery of kissing turned swiftly into a full-fledged embrace as the two pulled each other close, absorbed in each other's touch and taste. Crush tasted pear in her mouth.

"Mmm..." He toyed with her tongue, and she pulled away gasping.

"Oh Celestia, Crush, where did you learn that?"

He nibbled her ear and muttered, "M'part of the Royal Guard, m'am. I know lot's a'things." He slid his lips down to her neck and kissed it sloppily, nipping playfully at it.

"Ooh~!" Jasmine squealed as he played with her neck. As the two's embrace became more heated, Crush felt Jasmine begin to tremble against him. He smiled into her neck, and slid his hooves down to her flanks.

""Mmm..." He began to squeeze them, and was suddenly pushed away by the bat pony. He reached for her again, confused.

"Uh, what're you--Oof!"

He was shoved to the ground. Jasmine pounced on him and dug her fangs into his neck. He felt the pain of the bite, but there must have been some sort of venom in her teeth, because the pain was almost immediately dulled over by a surge of sexual desire for this mare to make love to him. He moaned involuntarily, and Jasmine pulled away from him and slid a hoof down in between his legs, where his member was throbbing with the need for attention. She rubbed it gently, and stared at him with feral, lustful eyes.

"Oh, I'm gonna fuck your brains out..."

She leaned in and bit the same spot on his shoulder. Something hot and wet was dripping on his cock.

"Oh... 'Kay..."

•

He'd had no idea. She was his first, and he was hers. It was an amazing coincidence that had made that moment so much more important to the both of them. And it had been while they were drunk.

Crush sat staring at the corner Jasmine had disappeared behind, and he wondered what they'd call their kids. He had no idea, and he prayed that she had some good names hidden up her sleeves. He glanced down at his crotch. He could still see some of the blood on the area surrounding his sheath.

I was her first, he thought, and he suddenly realized what this meant. She and I are a couple! He grinned widely at nothing in particular, and he climbed to his hooves, congratulating himself over and over again. It had really been the best night ever, and he couldn't wait to tell Rosewater, and Shade, and Berry...

Berry. Crush stopped congratulating himself. He looked at the doors as more of his memories returned to him, and he was suddenly horrified to see what lay in Princess Luna's chambers...

•

Bar number ten. The name: Some pun involving a horseshoe (again). The special: Applejack Daniels. The hard stuff. Grey Shade brought a bottle back, with three shot glasses for each of them. Berry stared at them with a watery, goofy smile. He sat at the head of the booth this time around.

"Shade," Crush said, tired, tipsy, and bleeding, "Berry shouldn't have that. It's too hard for him."

"He needs it, though!" Shade gestured to the unicorn, who was drooling on the table staring at the whiskey. "He needs something that'll wake him up!" He gave Crush a look, and added, "You look like you could use it, too." He did not seem to notice or care that his best friend was bleeding.

Jasmine groaned. "Can I just get my drink?" She looked very tired as well.

Shade looked at her oddly and shrugged. "Let's do it." He poured fifteen glasses for them, effectively emptying the bottle. He set it down and took a shot in his grip. "To Applejack Daniels, whoever the Tartarus that was!" They all cheered, and they all gulped down the whiskey, except Berry, who was having trouble using his magic to pick up the glass. Each pony set down their shot glasses with a sigh, and the conversations, which had been slowly getting dumber, began with Grey Shade.

"Hey, Rosewater, did I ever tell you why I like you?"

The rose-eyed bat pony looked at the clearly inebriated Grey Shade and laughed. She drank another shot and said, "Sweet Luna, you're so drunk right now."

Shade snorted. "So's ev'rypony else!"

Crush glared at the bat pony and said, "Shut up, Shade!" He turned to Rosewater, looking just a bit drunker than Shade. "Rosey, I'm not drunk! I've gotta be-"

"At the coronation tomorrow, we know." Rosewater drank her last shot. "And yes, Light Crush, you're drunk, because you never, ever call me Rosey unless you're drunk!"

Crush was silent for a moment. Then: "...Well, you're dumb!"

Shade started laughing in the middle of swallowing his second shot.

"Ha! Good one!" he spluttered.

While Crush and Rosewater laughed at their choking friend, Berry finally gave up on using his magic, and grabbed the glass in his hoof. He held it shakily, and slowly brought it to his lips and drank it down, and it was then that Berry Crush reached a new kind of drunk. He'd never had whiskey before, and he was about to suffer the wrath of the demon known only as Applejack Daniels.

Jasmine was the first to notice Berry's odd look. Berry was staring straight ahead, at nothing in particular, and the glass dropped from his hoof to the floor, where it shattered. The others looked over at him, and there was silence at the table for a long, awkward minute.

"B--Berry?" Crush asked, and Berry finally moved. He snatched up the other two shot glasses with his hooves, and gulped them both down in under two seconds. He threw the glasses behind him, and pounded his hooves against the table once, twice, three times before he spoke. He sounded like a dragon:

"I have to get out of here. Now."

He leapt up from the table and went galloping towards the door. He crashed into another pony, yelled something at them that made them cry, and flung himself out of the doors, effectively breaking one of its hinges in the process. The other's stared after him for a while, before Jasmine downed her other shots as well and yelled:

"Well, what're you all waiting for? We've gotta go get him!" She leapt up from her seat like Berry had, and went running out of the bar. The others stared after her for another moment, and then Shade said that they wouldn't be able to finish The Crawl if they couldn't catch Berry. So they all went galloping after the whiskey-driven unicorn, praying that their night wouldn't end with an empty bottle of Applejack Daniels.

•

Crush trotted slowly towards the large doors, now very afraid of what was on the other side of them. He was worried that his brother would be disfigured, or have permanent brain damage, or worse, be paralyzed or have his horn broken. He was worried that his brother wasn't there at all, having gone missing forever (this was ridiculous, because the guard Ocean Wave had told him that his brother was there waiting for him). He was worried that his brother was in there, lying in a casket with no head left (this was also ridiculous).

They had run after him, that night, but he was fast. Unnaturally fast. The whiskey had done something to Berry's brain that had turned him into a nightmarish creature from beyond the gates of Tartarus, and it had taken almost an hour to find him. After they had yelled his name at least a hundred times, and after asking at least a hundred ponies, they'd learned of Berry's destination: he'd gone to some place that he'd screamed was "Big Bro's Place..."

•

Crush, Grey Shade, Jasmine, and Rosewater slowed to a canter as they reached the Canterlot Castle, hoping that Berry would be right at the gate, unable to get in. To their horror, they found the pair of guards standing at the gate on the ground, with their weapons missing and their armor torn off.

"What in Celestia's mane happened here?" Shade yelled when they reached the guards. The two poor bat ponies looked up, saw who it was, and tried to leap to attention, failing miserably as their legs gave out underneath them. Shade rolled his eyes and grabbed the nearest bat pony, shaking him wildly. "Why are you two on the ground disarmed and naked?"

The guard he'd chosen looked delusional. He mumbled, "Climbed up the wall, sir... jumped on us from above... screaming and hissing and swearing..."

Shade looked at Crush and mouthed the word, "Berry." He turned back to the guard and said aloud, "He went inside the castle?"

The delusional guard nodded, but the other one now stood up and spoke to Shade: "Sir, you can't go in there alone. That... thing, it's smart. It figured out how to climb the walls of the gate, without magic or wings or anything, and it knew all of the areas where alarm spells were built in to warn us of intruders." He kicked at a crumpled plate of armor. "If it weren't for this, we'd most likely have lost our lives tonight."

The delusional guard slid down Grey Shade to the ground, mumbling. Crush stepped towards the gate and the other bat pony.

"You don't know what that thing was?"

"No, sir. It was a blur, we couldn't get a good glimpse of it."

Crush sighed in relief, which the guard took as disappointment, and the pegasus turned to Shade. "We're going in there. You lead."

Shade raised an eyebrow. "Why me? It's your-"

Crush glared daggers at him. "You. Lead. Now."

Jasmine and Rosewater glanced at each other, recognizing Crush's tone. He only ever got like this when Berry got involved with something, and he in his most wrathful state right now. Shade recognized it, too, and without further questioning he stepped past Crush and the other guard and trotted through the broken gate. Crush followed close behind, and after a moment of hesitation, so did Jasmine. Rosewater, who was at this point properly inebriated, took her time getting to the gate, and made sure to tell the guards how much better they looked without armor on.

The Dragon Pack (minus 1) followed the small trail of destruction that Berry left in his wake, and eventually began to hear him stomping around the castle. They followed the voice, praying that nopony else had heard him (or worse, had tried to stop him), and found him bucking his hind legs at the door to Crush's office. When he saw his brother and friends approaching, he stumbled, stood on his hind legs, and leaned back on the dented door, folding his forelegs across his chest casually.

"Oh heeeeeeey, you guys!" he said as unslurred as possible. "What took you dudes so long?"

"Berry, what are you doing?" Crush asked.

The pale unicorn suddenly changed moods. He went back down on all fours and pawed at the ground.

"I'm teachingyooooouuu a lesson!" He was hideously drunk, and sounded like an exaggerated cartoon character. "Yooooouu, you overachieving son'v a bitch!"

Crush approached him slowly. "Berry, what are you talking abou-"

Berry bucked the door again, and it buckled. "I am talking about you and your, your, amaaaaaaaaaaazing record in the guard. You take aaaalllllll the glory for yourself, and what's poor Berry to do? Hmm?" He slammed his hooves against the door again, and the sound of splintering wood could be heard. "Maybe he'll finally start making that soda he's so perfectly named after!"

"Berry, that doesn't make any sense."

"YOU don't make sense!" The drunken unicorn gave one last buck, and the door burst open. He laughed wildly and galloped inside. Crush and Jasmine went after him, while Shade stayed behind to bring along Rosewater, who was now claiming that her legs would not move. With her on his back, Shade stepped into Crush's office to find that the desk had been trampled, with papers being strewn everywhere. The wastebasket had also been overturned, and Shade saw that Berry's path of destruction led to a chest of drawers, which had a noticeable bare spot on top of it where something large had once sat. He went to examine it closer, but was stopped by the sound of voices coming from the balcony outside the office. He sprinted to it, and found Jasmine and Crush standing near the doors looking in horror at Berry, who was standing on the balcony rails with a small chest held over his head in his magic (something he could, amazingly, still use).

"HAAAAAAAAA!" Berry yelled, swinging the chest around in his magical grip. "What're you gonna be when I get rid of alllll your pretty medals, Light?" He went into a fit of giggles, and inched closer to the edge of the balcony.

Crush took a step forward. "Berry, don't!"

The unicorn blew a raspberry at his brother. "Hnyah! You can't tell me what to do!"

Shade seemed to only just realize what was causing Berry's odd behavior, and he said loudly, "I told you the Applejack Daniels was too much for him!"

Crush turned to Shade, flames dancing in his eyes, and yelled, "Shut the buck up, Shade!"

Rosewater, who had said nothing the entire time and appeared to have fallen asleep on Shade's back, suddenly looked up at Berry, gasped, and shouted, "Berry, get down from there!"

The unicorn finished giggling, and stood up on his hind legs. He made an offensive gesture with his hooves, yelled, "Suck it, bitches!" and threw himself backward. Berry plummeted off the balcony, which was on the second highest level of the castle and would most definitely kill him if he hit the ground from that height.

Crush screamed, "BERRY, NO! YOU CAN'T FLY!" He rushed to the balcony and leapt over it as well, spreading his wings as his brother fell, laughing, to his doom.

•

Crush didn't wait for the rest of his memory to return. He burst through the doors of Princess Luna's private quarters, and he yelled his brother's name. There was no answer, and he flung himself down the short, midnight blue hallway the doors opened into. He rushed into a small, shelf-filled room, and he spun around, looking for his brother.

"Berry! Berry!"

"What?"

He spun to face a corner that wasn't lit by the numerous candles in the room (the Princess of the Night still preferred her rooms windowless), and he found a small, white, unicorn sitting at a table, holding an ice pack on his head and smiling tiredly at Crush.

"Berry!" Crush rushed over to his brother and hugged him tightly, prompting a groan from his very much more hungover brother.

"Crush, stop it! Please!" He struggled weakly against Crush's grip, and gave up almost immdeiately.

"I thought you were dead!" Crush said, finally loosening his grip on the unicorn. "You jumped off my balcony-" He stopped blinked a few times, and said, "Where are my medals, Berry?"

Berry laughed, then gripped his head in pain and said, "Mm. A better question might be 'Why are we in Princess Luna's study, Berry?' But I guess I can tell you what happened." He gestured to a chair beside him. "Pull up a seat, big brother, and let me tell you a story..."

•

Berry fell through the air laughing, and he threw the box of his brother's medals down at the ground. He smiled as they plummeted towards the ground, but his smile quickly vanished as the box did, taken by some unknown blue-black blur, he looked left and right, and could find nothing. Suddenly, he was taken by the blur as well.

For a moment, everything was confusion, with feathers and wind in his face and the box nowhere to be seen. Then, he found himself deposited on the cold floor of some part of the Canterlot Castle. Berry gasped, trying to comprehend what had just happened, and he blacked out for a minute or so.

When he regained consciousness, he found himself propped against a wall, surrounded by his friends, brother, and, to his surprise, a very familiar blue alicorn.

"Errgh..." he groaned, shielding his eyes from the light of the stars in Princess Luna's mane. "Turn of your hair, man."

The Princess said nothing, but her mane did seem to dim itself down a little. She approached the unicorn and said, "Do you remember how you got here, young one?"

Berry snorted. "Buck yeah!" He pointed at Crush. "This guy! He's always trying to make me look bad!"

Luna glanced at Crush, who shook his head, and said, "I do not think so. I think you are here because you are extremely inebriated." To this, Crush nodded.

"Well..." Berry had to think a moment. "...you're inebriated!"

To everypony's surprise, Luna giggled. She turned to Crush, and said, "He is in no condition to travel. Leave him with me. I shall take care of him."

Crush blinked in confusion. "Y-You aren't angry at us?"

The Princess of the Night smiled. "As I see it, you spent the night enjoying your lives to the fullest. That is exactly the reason I created the night: for ponies to enjoy themselves under the light of the moon." She glanced at the others, who were all taking their time understanding what Luna had just said. She added, "Besides, I do so enjoy watching the antics of my subjects. It is a, how would you say it now, 'a favorite pastime' of mine." She winked at Grey Shade, who blinked a few times before smiling wildly.

"So," he asked, "we're off the hook?"

Luna scratched her chin and made a show of considering something. Finally, she lowered her hoof and smiled again. "Yes. I think, just this once, I shall allow you to walk free."

The four ponies cheered, and Jasmine kissed Crush sloppily, something nopony except Luna noticed.

"Thank you so much, Your Highness!" Jasmine said, bowing to Luna.

"What?" Berry shouted. "No! Punish them! Punish him!" He pointed a hoof at Crush. "He's the ringleader!" Then Berry fell asleep spontaneously.

•

"...so she took me to her chambers," Berry finished. Crush was staring at the grain of the table, remembering the events as Berry related them to him.

"She took you to her chambers?" Crush repeated, not fully understanding.

"I didn't get it either, when I woke up a few minutes later," Berry said. "I was lying in her bed, Crush. The Princess's bed. She was in the room with me, and she, uh, explained a few things to me, and she told me why I was there. And, uh, I was still drunk, so I don't remember what happened next..." He'd grown very red in the face, and his voice had gotten quieter and quieter as he went on about his night with the princess. Crush, at first, did not understand. Then he did.

"HOLY FAUST YOU SLEPT WITH-"

Berry covered his mouth. "Shh! She's sleeping! She was really tired from last night, and she wanted to take a nap before the coronation today!"

Crush waited for Berry to move his hoof away before he went into hysterics again. "You had a one-night stand with Princess Luna?!?!?"

Berry blushed and scratched the back of his head. "She... She kinda said I should be expecting a change in, uh, shifts."

"Change in--Berry, are you serious?"

"It's crazy, I know, but she said I was really, really good, and-"

"I thought you were gay!"

Berry stopped, blinked, and a furious frown stretched over his face.

"YOU THOUGHT I WAS-"

This time Crush covered Berry's mouth.

"Hey, quiet, remember? Don't want to wake your marefriend before the coronation. Actually," he glanced around for a clock, "you might want to do just that. It's gonna begin soon."

Berry shoved Crush's hoof away. "You thought I was--Wait." He gave Crush a confused look. "Aren't you supposed to be there to, y'know, introduce the new princess?"

In a flash, Crush remembered why he was in such a hurry, and why he'd needed to talk with his brother in the first place. "Oh buck!" He found a clock sitting on a chest in another corner, and read 11:51 as the time. "I gotta go now!" He jumped out of his seat and ran to the door he'd burst through a minute ago. "Congrats, man, we'll have to celebrate! I'll see you-"

He skidded to a halt, and turned back to his brother, remembering once more what he was forgetting.

"Uh, you don't happen to know where my armor is, do you?

"No clue."

Crush groaned. "Buck today..." And he was gone, leaving his brother to wake up his princess.

•

The four ponies trotted down the hall of the castle happily, chatting about the nights events with drunken excitement. Rosewater had jumped onto Grey Shade's back again, and was nibbling his ear, whispering promises of fantastical gifts that awaited him if he carried her to her apartment. Jasmine was walking close to Crush, and she'd occasionally nuzzle his neck and lick it. Eventually, they reached the door to Crush's office, and Grey Shade bid them farewell, leaving a parting gift with them.

"Consider it a promise," he said as he set the two small bottles down in front of them. "A promise that, next time, we will succeed! The Crawl shall be completed, and the Dragon Pack will rise again!"

Crush and Jasmine didn't hear him. They had been making out furiously for the past twenty seconds. Shade stared at them for a moment, smacked his lips dryly, and shrugged.

"Whatever." He turned and left, and Rosewater waved to the couple, yelling that they should get a room and invite her into it some time. This they ignored as well, and it was not until after they'd run completely out of breath (pegusi and bat ponies have larger lungs) that they separated and noticed the bottles. Jasmine took one, stared at it, shrugged, and put it in the satchel that had somehow managed to stay on her the entire night.

"We should have dinner sometime," she said, nuzzling Crush's chest.

"Mm. When we aren't wasted," he replied, running a hoof down her back. He brought her face up to his and kissed her again. When she pulled away, his eyes remained closed, and he mumbled, quietly, "I love you."

Jasmine giggled. "That's great." She hugged him tightly and licked his ear. "We should get married, and have lots and lots of babies, and we'll name all of them after the Elements of Harmony, and it'll be great, and--" She stopped after that, because she'd become preoccupied with sucking on Crush's ear.

"We can have dinner next Saturday. I've got a free evening shift then."

Jasmine pulled her lips off his ear and nodded. "Sounds like fun." She giggled drunkenly and added, "I'll bring the dessert." She got up, stumbled a bit, and flicked her tail teasingly in Crush's face. "I'll see you later, Light Crush."

He smelled something lovely on her tail. "Mm. See you."

She trotted the way Shade had gone. Crush was left feeling hungry, and he was thirsty and had a wingboner that wouldn't go away. He stared down at the bottle in front of him, shrugged, and uncorked it. The scent coming off it was strong, but he didn't care. After tonight, he was certain he could handle it.

He couldn't. The moment he gulped down whatever was in the bottle, he blacked out.

•

Crush could remember no more of the night, and he guessed that he never would, no matter how hard he tried. He sighed as he put on his spare set of armor (the original, he feared, would never be found) and adjusted his helmet. He looked fairly official, and he knew he could grab a mint from the kitchen on the way to the ceremony to fix up his rancid breath. The only thing that looked off about him were his eyes, and those, nopony would really be looking at. All eyes would be on Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Light Crush reviewed, in his head (which had thankfully ceased throbbing), the procedure of the ceremony, and he was happy to find that he could remember it all. He glanced at the clock (11:56), nodded, and headed to the doors of his office. He took another deep breath, adjusted his helmet one last time, and opened the doors out into the hall. His gait became official, his steps became evenly spaced and regimented, and he did a perfect left face as he began his march to the main hall of the castle, where the new princess would be waiting. Everything, it seemed, had come together right on time.

○

Twilight Sparkle nervously stepped onto the carriage that would soon pull her into the Royal Throne Room, where she would be crowned the newest Princess of Equestria. She had taken many, many deep breaths, practiced the speech she'd written for the ceremony a thousand times, and read a book on conduct the would "impress even the princesses!" and she was still shaking in her stately princess hoof-boots. She knew she only had to sit in the carriage and smile on her way through the halls of the castle, but every nerve in her body was screaming that something was going to go horribly wrong. Or maybe that was just the immense power of the alicorn she could now harness coursing through her veins.

She glanced up as somepony coughed. It was one of the guards, a member of Celestia's private regime, if she was correct (which she usually was). He looked handsome in his armor. It looked as though he had gotten a new outfit just for this occasion, and everything about him told her he was dedicated to his work, from the sharpness of his movements to the tired look in his eyes that said "I've spent the whole night preparing for you, Princess Twilight, and now I'm ready."

What it actually said was "I have a hangover, but I'm still ready for this," but she didn't need to know that, and she never would. Light Crush addressed her in as healthy a voice as he could manage:

"Are you ready to begin, Your Highness?"

Twilight blushed, not yet used to being called "Your Highness." She nodded quickly, and Crush spun around and snapped to attention.

"Alright, soldiers!" he called out, his voice official and heavy with experience. "Forward, march!"

The procession began, and Twilight Sparkle was sure of one thing: this stallion was capable of handling the situation. So she relaxed, and remembered to wave and smile at the crowd of ponies awaiting her crowning.

Light Crush kept a straight face as he lead the procession down the hall of the Royal Throne Room, but his head was buzzing with excitement. He'd made it, through some sort of glitch in the matrix, he'd made it and he was performing perfectly. Well, almost perfectly: as he passed the rows of guards, Night Division and Day Division alike, he spotted Jasmine near the front of the ranks. She had her eyes pinned to him, and as he passed, he could not help but smile a little.

Everything, it seemed, was perfect.

○

On the other side of town, Grey Shade rolled out of Rosewater's bed and hit the floor hard. He awoke with a yelp of pain, and discovered why a second after having fallen: he'd landed on a helmet, and the tough, protective metal had bruised his back. He picked up the helmet and stared at it oddly. This wasn't his armor, and it wasn't Rosewater's. This was the armor of a Solar Guard, and he had no idea why it was in Rosewater's apartment. In fact, he had no idea why he was in Rosewater's apartment, though the smell coming from the sheets clued him in a second later. He looked back over at the bed, where Rosewater was lying, staring at him with bedroom eyes and giggling at his misfortune.

"Rosewater," he said, his voice thick with the after effects of a night out on the town, "why is Light Crush's armor in your apartment?"

The bat pony shrugged and rolled over in bed, closer to him.

"I'm afraid I have no idea, dear," she said. "Last night is nothing more than a blur of booze and sex to me." She licked her lips, flashing her fangs at him. "Oh, and what sex there was."

Grey Shade looked down at the helmet again, shrugged, and tossed it aside. "Whatever. If he knows it's here, he'll come and get it." He climbed back into the bed, sliding on top of Rosewater. "Now, what was that about amazing sex?"

Rosewater giggled and kissed his nose. "Here, dear, let me show you." She nibbled his ear and said, in a clear, seductive voice, "There's so much to recount."

Shade groaned and gripped the sides of his head, rolling off of Rosewater. There was a horrible throbbing pain in his head, and Rosewater's voice had sounded like a thousand zeppelin engines going off at once.

"Aaoughhh..." he moaned, squeezing his head between his hooves. "Not so loud, babe!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The End(?)

Author's Note

Dear Readers,

This has been written for a flash fiction challenge presented by Mr. Noble Cause of Equestria Daily. The challenge: write a story, 1,500 word minimum, about a military group of some sort in Equestria, for Memorial Day. It can be the Royal Guard, the changeling militia, the griffon battalion, whatever. Just make it about them. The time limit runs from 12:01 a.m. on Friday to 11:59 on Monday, Memorial Day Weekend, 2013.

I faced this challenge, and thought: what else is special about Memorial Day Weekend? What happens around that time that's become something of a tradition. And then, while I was watching Futurama, it came to me, in the form of a TV Spot: The Hangover.

The Hangover movies tend to arrive on or around Memorial Day weekend, and with the release of the final chapter in the vulgar saga, I decided to do a parody of it. Or, something close to a parody of it (sorry, no monkeys or tigers or Mike Tyson). I had no idea where I was going with this (I've never seen a Hangover movie) for the first hour and a half of work on this, when suddenly I realized that FiM had actually given me something to use a long time ago: the coronation! So, replace weddings with Twilight's coronation (the whole Shining Armor wedding thing is so old!), replace Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, and Ed Helms with a bunch of my own characters (whom I fell in love with in the middle of making this), and have a lot less drugs and gangsters, and I had my story.

Obviously, there were countless Hangover references crowbared into the story. I also put a little nudge nudge towards this story, which is easily one of the best I've ever read, and in fact inspired me to try and write about the Royal Guard, which I did. It's this story, right here.

I hope you enjoyed it.

-NotARealPonydotcom

Oh, and happy Memorial Day, everypony!