Jumbo Sausage and Chips

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3231

When I end up in Equestria on my way back from the shops, I have one objective: Bring home jumbo sausage and chips to eat at home. I don't care if I'm hunted by talking horses, I want my damned dinner!

The one day I decide to go out and get my stuff to help me live, I end up in the Brony's dream land.
But I want to go home and get my Jumbo Sausage and chips, and no damned talking horses shall stop my quest.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-01 13:45:53 UTC

Jumbo Sausage and Chips

In a dark room, the sound of tapping on a keyboard and the light from a computer screen, and the voices and gunfire from my small headset. I was sat comfortably on my folding office chair, Armani jeans adding a comfortable layer of padding over my boxers. Finally tiring of shooting up Free to Plays on Team Fortress 2, I looked at my friends list. All of them were in a game, or away, or offline.

"Ugh." I muttered, face-desking. I decided right then that I was hungry. "I'm hungry. Wonder if the chippy's still open...?" I checked my watch, to find that it was 8:17. Good. The chip shop should still be open, and I could go get myself some Jumbo Sausage and Chips. I left the server, and set my account to idle. That done, I got up, and went downstairs to go and get something decent on.

Upon clicking the lights on in my room, I was faced with my sliding cabinet, my bed, a desk, and a few other pieces of crap strewn about the place. First though, I shut my curtains, because I didn't want the local girls (or guys) staring through my window and perving all over my incredibly sexually attractive chest while I changed. Next, I opened the section of the cabinet that contained my shirts, jackets, shoes, and hats. My hand lazily grabbed the first shirt on the pile, a plain white T-shirt, and I placed it over my head. Then, I looked at my options of jacket. As usual, my white jacket with the hood was hung on the rail with a cheap, plastic coat hanger. I casually put that on, then went to the hats, because hats are bloody awesome in every aspect.

I had a few options, with most of them demonstrating my recklessness with money whilst out shopping for clothes. Australian slouches, a gas mask, countless baseball caps, literally endless amounts of beanies, and, for some reason, a Rebreather that I had bought to defend against an airborne 'zombie virus'. -coughbirdflucough-

Anyway, I picked up a Slouch, the sun still being out, and headed to the ground floor of my house. Snatching up my keys on the way out and slipping them into my pocket, I opened the door latch and headed out. My neighbours had all gone to sleep, considering most of them were 500+ years of age or some shit, and all of the cars were in their garages for the night. Except mine: a battered to hell red 4X4, I-forget-which-make-it-is, the boot full of tools and assorted crap. Every time you started the thing, it would clank loudly for 30 seconds before finally making a loud roar, then it would stop, then you'd have to try again, then it might decide it wanted to start, then again it might not, then I'd hit it with the crowbar/hammer/dead body/wrench in the boot of my car and it'd start.

God I miss that old thing.

Today, however, it decided to start. Satisfied, I smirked and pressed the accelerator, which cause the bloody thing to fall through the floor in some retardedly physics-defying act of what-the-fuck-is-going-on.

"SHIT." I said loudly to myself, grabbing the nearest seat and gripping it tightly. The inside of my car was dark, an effect of going to the centre of the Earth, however, I noticed it wasn't get exceedingly hot and melting my face. It went on like this for about 10 minutes, and during those ten minutes I was being hit by the objects floating around my car.

After around the 40th time the crowbar embedded itself into my crotch at a painfully high velocity, there was a sudden burst of light as I found my entire vehicle falling from the sky.

"OK, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IN THE SAM FUCK IS GOING ON?!" I yelled, securing myself in the driver's seat. Determination suddenly set into my mind as I saw a fast approaching mountain through the window of the car. "Hold on, this is a fucking stupid idea-"

I was driving my car in an utterly dark enviroment. It was like that one bit in Far Cry 3, where...yeah, that. All around, there was nothing but stars in the distance. I figured this was a dream, or I was dead from driving into the top of a mountain like an absolute twat, so I knew that my mind was filled with some fucked-up shit and grabbed my trusty car-starting crowbar that was in my seat beside me. The moment I did grab it, however, my car halted of its own accord, kicked me out onto my face rather painfully, and drove off at an estimated speed of 250MPH.

I sat up, blinking, and looked at my crowbar, then to where the jeep drove off to. "The...fuck...?" I asked to nobody in particular. I stood up, dusted myself off from all of the whatever-the-hell-it-was that had amassed on my body by landing on TV screens, and checked my watch. I sighed.

"What time is it?" I sarcastically asked. "It's fuck-you o' clock." I'm not kidding, my watch was now displaying 'FUCK YOU' on the LCD display. "Bloody hell, I'm definitely dreaming. Or dead." I groaned. A sudden voice caught me off guard.

"No, just dreaming." The voice felt like silk going into my ears, which is uncomfortable, because nobody wants fabric in their ears, am I right? Anyway, I turned to see where the voice came from, and saw a figure shrouded in the dark. A few features were visible, like a horn, outstretched wings, and hooves. The Pony Princess was probably Luna, 'cause ain't no other pony climbin' in yo head, snatchin' yo thoughts up, tryin' to rape 'em. I didn't honestly care that I was meeting Best Pony, I was unconcious. I'd already been carjacked by my own car, so...

"Hey, how's it going, Luna?" I asked casually. She stepped forward with a shocked expression.

"You know my name?" she gasped, beginning to circle around me. "How?"

"Have you not been going through my thoughts, memories, and ideals?" I asked.

"Sort of." she replied. "Why do you watch a sho-"

"Utter one more syllable and I'll batter you with a crowbar." I cut in sharply. "I've already had to answer this question countless times back on Earth."

"Earth? Is that your home?"

"Am I still on Earth?"

"No, you're in a locked chamber in Canterlot palace. Your chariot survived the landing intact, by some physics defying reason, but when everypony ran to inspect, you were unconcious."

"Or dead." I added.

"OK, look, you're not dead, alright? If you were dead, you'd have complete control over this place, and I would most likely not be here. And it isn't my fault you decided to smash your chariot into the courtyard of the most heavily guarded place in Equestria."

"Oh cool, I'm in Equestria?"

"Ugh, is it even possible to have intelligent conversation with you?"

"...I'm...actually rather offended. And no, it isn't."

"Well, apologies for offending you."

"No need, I forgave you already because, in my opinion, you're the most attractive, awesome, friendly, and all around best pony." A blush came to Luna's cheeks.

"Well, I, uh, wow, haha, um...thank you. We'll be able to question you about how you came to be here when you're awake. Until then, farewell." Luna promptly faded from view.

"Shit. I'm on my own." I muttered. "Now how the hell do I wake up?" My eyes slowly moved down to my crowbar. My arm raised it up G-Mod style. "I bet I have to bludgeon myself with this." I immediately hit myself in the head with the steel pole.

"...OW." I yelled, sitting up and scaring the hell out of the ponies guarding the room. It was rather blank, a generic prison styled-affair, and stationed at the doors were two guards.

"Sup?" I greeted. That plastered a look of sheer terror onto their faces. Finally, one leaned out the door.

"Y-Your m-majesties, i-it's awake." he stuttered.

"Wait, majesties?" I asked. "I'm meeting several? Cool."

"No, only two." cut in a voice. The two guards at the door saluted as two mares trotted in. I recognised both of them: Princess Luna and Princess Twilight. "And you've already met one."

"Aye." I replied, standing up. "Not in real life. Unless this isn't real life either, Luna?"

"No, this is real." she laughed, rolling her eyes. "Please, take a seat." I obeyed, sitting on the side of the bed as the two Princesses sat on comfortable chairs, pulled out notepads, and pulled out reading glasses. Both mares suddenly had looks of adorable determination on their faces. Nopony spoke for a while.

"...am I, er, missing something here?" I asked in the silence.

"Let's begin." Twilight said finally. "First question: what is your name?"

"Sorry, but I don't give my real name out to talking pony goddesses. In the meantime, you can call me Face." I replied. Both princesses shared a confused glance, before Twilight nodded.

"OK...second question." Twilight continued. "Where are you from?"

"Milky Way galaxy, Sol system, Earth, United Kingdom, in a town near London."

"That's a mouthful. What's the name of the town?" Luna asked.

"Windsor." I replied.

"Alright, 'Face' of Windsor." Twilight laughed. "Could you please tell us how you ended up falling from the sky in a powered oil vehicle?"

"Well," I began, "I remember wanting to go to the fish and chip shop to buy my dinner, so I got dressed and went to my car so I could drive there. Then, when I started the car, it fell through the floor for no reason I can discern. After god-knows-how-long of falling, it went bright, and I was falling from the sky. I tried to drive my car down the side of the mountain like a man, but then I didn't think it through and got knocked out. I had a decent conversation with Princess Luna here, and now I'm here. That's pretty much it."

"Erm...OK?" Twilight looked worried now. "Luna, do you have any more questions?"

"Oh, yes, I do." Luna stated happily. "My first question: Do you genuinely think I'm your favourite pony?"

"Yesh." I replied. "Not to mention most awesome, most friendly, and most att-"

"YES, YES, I GET IT." she blurted, face going a furious crimson. Twilight, and the two guards at the door, stifled laughs. "Erm...n-next question, what is the diet of your species?"

"Humans are omnivores," I replied, "We eat fruit, vegetables, bread, fish, meats, everything. Personally, I don't mind living on a diet of bread for the next few days, or however long it takes for me to get home."

"Alright, that's fine, as long as you don't eat the pony serving it to you." Luna laughed awkwardly. "Y-You don't eat ponies, right?"

"Well, there was a big horse-meat scandal with a company called Tesco's back on Earth, where they'd been putting horse-meat into beef burgers without telling anybody. I don't eat beef burgers, so I don't eat ponies. Plus, I like ponies, so I wouldn't anyway." Everypony in the room relaxed only slightly.

"...um...well...that's, erm, good...I think...?" Twilight trailed off, before shaking her head clear. "Any more questions?"

"Yes: do you have any more clothes with you?"

"Nope." I replied. "If I'm honest, I've lived in the same clothes for almost a month, once." Two chairs shifted away. "Don't worry, I used deodorant and showered afterwards."

"Okay..." Twilight murmured, writing something down. "Next question, how is your social life?" I threw my head back and laughed.

"Social Life?!" I snorted. "I'm sorry, but what kind of a question is that? I live on my own, came here on my own, play games on my own, and stay on my own, and yet you wonder how many friends I have?" Twilight and Luna looked at me, displeased. Finally, I sighed. "No. No social life. I don't have friends; I lost contact with every single one after I left school, and they haven't made any effort to keep in touch." Luna looked sadly at me.

"Surely you still see your parents?" she asked, writing my previous statement down. I sighed, rubbing my face with my hand.

"I'd rather not discuss that. Middle-Child. Ignored. Workhorse. That's all you need to know about that. Now can we move on?" I said miserably. Both mares looked at each other, Luna now looking even sadder than she did moments before. Finally, she sighed.

"Alright." Luna adjusted her glasses. "One more question: could those things around your wrist be used to aid in escape?" She pointed a hoof to the 4 bangles around my wrist.

"These?" I asked, raising my arm to show them. "If I could be bothered to, and knew how I could, yes. Otherwise, I have no clue how a Paracord survival bracelet, a Celtic leather band, a sports band, and a digital watch could help me escape a palace filled with heavily armed guards."

"Maybe if he were magic he could teleport out..." Luna whispered to Twilight.

"Heard that." I said quickly. "I'm not magic."

"You might as well be." Luna quickly replied. "A-Anyway, that's a round of questioning done. We'll continue later." The two Princesses then stood up and began to leave. I suddenly remembered something, and raised a hand.

"Ah, question?" I asked. "Will I be going home any time soon?" Both princesses paused, and looked sadly at each other, before leaving. The door closed, as I heard nothing but the sound of birds outside. "Can I at least have my hat back?"

I sat in my cell, a stone walled, iron bar window room, with a bed slightly too small for me, a small table and chair, and a cast-iron door. As I had been for the past few weeks, I was contemplating. Contemplating my humanity, sanity, and the life I had lead.

Actually, I was thinking of my dinner I wanted. That one meal I reaaaaally wanted: Jumbo Sausage and Chips, with salt, a can of root beer, and to finish off, a slice of Mr Kipling's French fancy birthday cake. Just because I'm fat like that. The meals I was being given were at least nice-tasting. It was kind of a mix between bread, and bacon, but it wasn't a bacon sandwich. To be honest, I would have committed Sudoku so I could go to heaven and have bacon. I looked up at the wall over the room. It was easy to tell it was one-way glass, and fake, especially since I could hear talking through it in silent moments. Shame my crowbar was left in the car, since I could easily have brutalised that window with it and escaped to find a way to get my late dinner.

Sighing, and looking at the wall, I could see silhouettes moving behind. "Guys," I said finally, "You realise I've been aware you're there for a couple of days now, right?" The shadows stopped moving, like rabbits in the headlights. "You're so bad a keeping quiet, it's actually funny, so I eventually knew where to look, before you ask." A sudden beeping meant the speaker was online.

"Well, we're more fascinated by the fact you can speak." replied a crackling voice. "And that your species, the brutal, cruel race of myth has made the advancements to make portable phones? Wow. You really advanced since we eradicated you from Equestria."

"ERADICATED?!?" I gasped. "SHIT, SON! YOU KILLED US OFF?!?!"

"OK, OK, calm down, Mr...Face." replied a non-intercom voice. "That happened when you were almost like monkeys, and knew no better."

"Yeah, well, you better not have fucked my car over." I replied, folding my arms. "I need that to get home, buy some dinner, and get back to gaming. I left my TF2 on idle, and I'm hoping to get a fair few items for the time I've been gone." Most likely, I was getting blank stares. "I'm not even going to explain that. Maybe if you found a way to Earth, you could find out yourself...?"

"As we've said before, you can't get home until we've fully replicated your technology. These advancements are unmissable!"

"Have all the stuff you want." I snorted. "Just don't eradicate me or whatever the word is. I have stuff that needs doing back home." The room was silent again. Suddenly, a murmuring was heard on the other side of the door, and then the intercom clicked back into life.

"Mr. Face, we have just been given new orders," the voice said. "You've been given Royal Order to appear in front of Her Majesty Princess Celestia, Her Majesty Princess Luna, and Her Majesty Princess Twilight in the Main Hall for a formal introduction. We are sending you with the two guards that have been watching you for these past few weeks, and any attempts at escape will result in-"

"-the horrific mutilation of me with spears, after which you'll take the skin off my corpse and turn it onto a casket, fill it with my blood, and then use the rest of my body as ornamental mugs, bowls, and knives." I cut in. There was silence, before the door creaked open and two gleaming gold guardsponies trotted in with spears. One of them aimed his spear at me with a glare, prompting his partner to do the same.

"Come with us, prisoner." he barked. I rolled my eyes, stood up, and put my hands in my pockets as I walked out, the spears hovering behind my back and poking me in the direction they needed me to go. This was my first time out of the cell, and I was already enjoying the dark, grimy dungeons beneath the palace. As I went past cells, the ponies inside them gawped at the creature as I went past. I could easily tell some were in for all the wrong reasons; one had a large scar down his eye and a missing cheek, with a small dagger for a Cutie Mark, and another was sat on the bench in his cell staring psychotically at me. I muttered, before feeling something I hadn't before.

There, sat in my pocket as it had been for weeks as it evaded my detection, was a small butterfly knife. It was one of my favourite things to fiddle about with while I waited for my shitty computer to load TF2 servers, so I kept it in my pocket for easy access as I twirled it around my fingers. Now, however, was not the time to make it clear I was armed. One wrong move, I would get a spine-full of spear. In fact, it'd probably bounce off the steel rods in my back that I had implanted because of Scoliosis, but it'd still hurt. Plus my knife would be taken away, and considering how much time I spent in my art classes engraving intricate patterns onto the handle and blade, I would NOT want it taken from my possession. Remaining quiet as I entered the main corridor, I saw the grand designs in the castle. Down the long, massively large hallway, I could see a large number of stained glass windows down one side of the hall, and doors occasionally splitting the groups of windows into segments as the lengthy hall disappeared around a corner.