Captain Pip and Cave of Fluffy Horrors
In the small town of Ponyville lived a young colt named Pipsqueak. He seemed to be a fairly average little pony, remarkable in appearance only for his pinto coat. The secrets he kept within, however, make him rather extraordinary.
Pipsqueak was a pirate. The best pirate. A space pirate, in fact; known across the galaxy as Cap’n Pip of the Seven Nebulas. He frequently sailed his ship away from his home in Equestria to have periodic adventures in the depths of outer space.
The ship was custom designed and built, and perfectly suited for Pip and his adventures. He’d named it Moonbeam, and it was the fastest craft of its kind in the solar system. Despite its speed, it also carried very capable heavy cannons and armor to let Pip choose when and where he wanted to fight.
Pip often fought, as he had many enemies. All of them were jealous of his good looks and fighting skills. He had also had stopped many unjust battles between rival factions and rescued multitudes of maidens in distress. Pip was not exactly sure what he was supposed to do with them all after that, but usually decided to simply drop them off at their homes. It seemed like they always winked at him and asked if he had something called a “maiden closet.” Pip thought perhaps that it was a piece of technology to obtain when he was a few years older.
Among his many enemies, however, none were as well known and feared as the Nightmare Princess of the Night, to quote her slightly redundant title. Slightly less formally, she went by Princess Luna. She was a ninja. A space ninja. It only made sense, of course. She was the Princess of the night and spent quite a few years on the moon, after all.
Space ninja training takes a very long time. One thousand years, to be exact. Further complicating matters for Luna was the complete lack of various senseis on the moon to teach martial arts. That’s why space ninjas are few and far between.
Princess Luna was one of a very small number of space ninjas. The only one, in fact. Therefore, it fell to her completely to stand against space pirates like Pip. Luckily for her, he was the only one.
Their battles typically fell to a draw, then. As two of the greatest warriors in the universe, it would be rather less honorable to be without a rival. And so Luna and Pip had fallen into somewhat of a frienemy status. As much as he rattled his sabre and she postured with her katana, both had always been merciful and allowed the other to go on living. It was only fair.
Pip lay in bed one night with his hooves crossed behind his head. Beneath the decks, his ship rocked gently upon the space waves, and he considered his next move. There was a rather tempting booty he had heard about up for grabs on Mars. Perhaps he should go claim it.
Pip frowned. “But who shall crew my ship as I go after this treasure?”
A long blue horn nestled among a softly flowing mane rose above the edge of the ship, exposing a pair of teal eyes framed by long lashes. Pip stared at his visitor. “Luna, to what do I owe the visit?”
“I merely overheard you speak of treasure,” she answered. Luna stuck her tongue out teasingly. “And I suppose you seek help in recovering it? My help?”
Pip sat up in bed, rolling his eyes at her dramatics. “What will it cost me this time?”
Luna grinned but said nothing. It was clear that she wanted what she always wanted. Pip sighed. “I accept your terms.”
In the next moment, she had leaped over the edge of the ship, flipping Pip over and tackling him. He struggled, but there was no escape from her tickling.
“I - ha ha ha - I already accepted the proposal!” Pip gasped.
“Oh, but this is my counter offer!” Luna continued for a few more seconds before slowing down to let Pip catch his breath.
He sat up again, forcing a gruff look to slip back onto his face and cover his grin. “Now we should get going.”
Luna nodded, a hint of a smile still clinging to her face. She stepped away to the ship's mast and unfurled the sails, catching a little of the interstellar wind that began to pull them along through the heavens. Pip stood at the wheel, his space captain’s eye scanning the distance for threats. It was a long trip to Mars, and he could not afford to be surprised.
Despite the distance from home to the far away red planet, Luna told Pip that she had fashioned a new sailing rig that would increase their speed dramatically. It used a special kind of warp technology that had only recently been invented. Pip had read about it in the Mare-Do-Well Scientific Journal. The publishing company only called it a comic book to keep grown-ups from getting wise, though the articles often did have amusing images and dialogue to keep readers from getting bored or confused.
As the ship’s speed increased to an incredible rate, Pip saw what might have been several alternate universes go blurring by through a small tear in the spacetime continuum. Luna seemed to be involved with the other worlds, although Pip couldn’t tell quite how. He saw Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom’s older brother, as well as Snowflake, the muscular older brother of Featherweight. For some strange reason, there was also Fancypants, a friend of Rarity who was Sweetie Belle’s older sister. Wow, Luna sure knew a lot of ponies. All of them seemed to be having cool adventures of their own.
Luna paused to speak with them. Pip didn’t know what they were talking about, but stayed at his position near the wheel. Luna conversed with the three stallions for a moment. At first they looked confused, but looked towards Pip and slowly started to smile and nod in agreement. After a quick parting hoofshake with the three, the tear in space closed up.
Luna walked back to her position and slacked the sails as the ship came speeding up to Mars. Pip took his spyglass and stared at the surface of the red planet far below. There was no sign of any treasure, but surely it had to be around here somewhere.
“Take us down, Miss Luna,” he ordered.
She gave a sharp salute. “Aye, captain Pip!”
He considered her manner as she adjusted the sails and trim, spiraling the vessel down towards the planet’s surface. For a ninja, she was a very good space sailor. Actually, for a sworn enemy she was a surprisingly good friend.
He could work out the metaphysical implications of that later. For now, the surface of Mars was getting closer. As the ship came to a halt, Pip jumped out and set his hooves on the red soil. Luna drifted down behind him, folding her wings as she landed. Her katana levitated out in front of her, ready to attack any Mars monsters.
Pip was an earth pony and proud of it. He was at least as cool and awesome as Luna even if he didn’t have wings or a horn - she'd taught him that. He brandished his sabre with a hoof, easily handling the long, sharp blade. He would need his mouth free to shout challenges and laugh heroically in the face of danger.
The two of them walked together slowly, alert to possible threats. The rocky landscape of Mars begin to give way to smoother ground populated by trees somewhat reminiscent of the Everfree Forest. Pip’s brow furrowed. This must be a Martian trick. His school text-uh, his Pirate’s Guide to Life, said nothing of such a terrain. Still, he would not be swayed by petty illusions.
Luna took out a few throwing stars and checked her coil of rope. Her full ninja kit with all its tools and gadgets might come in handy while traveling in the foreboding jungle that Mars seemed to host. Pip reminded himself not to let Luna get ahead of him. While they might be friends, you couldn’t trust your treasure to just anypony.
As the jungle thickened, the going got tougher. Luckily Pip was pretty tough himself and had no trouble pushing through.
The trees eventually thinned out, giving way to a large lake. The water was deep and impossible to see the bottom. Pip considered the area, looking around. Yes, it was an ideal place to hide treasure.
“How will we get to the bottom of this?” he wondered aloud.
“I have a special piece of diving equipment for that,” Luna replied. She dug in her ninja kit and produced two reserve air flasks, one with a breathing mask sized for her, and one sized for Pip.
It was quite easy to use them, almost as if Pip were wearing nothing at all. As an average Ponyville pony, he was quite used to wearing nothing at all and preferred it that way.
The lake water was warm, feeling almost like Pip was swimming in nothing at all. Unfortunately, “nothing at all” was also what could be seen beneath the surface of the murky water.
The facemask attached to the air flask protected Pip’s eyes, but it was only when Luna passed him a special underwater torch that he could see past his own nose. The two of them began to descend down through the lake, following the curve of the muddy bottom.
Pip’s mind wandered a little. Occasionally, something funny would cross his thoughts and he sniggered a little behind the facemask. Heh, muddy bottom.
A sudden jolt brought him back to the present, however. A large suction-cupped tentacle waved past his line of sight, swishing in the water.
Pip yanked his sabre from its scabbard, knowing that the special alloy it was constructed from would not rust underwater. The octopus or squid or whatever it was in the lake was too far away to see, but occasionally a tentacle would appear out of the murk before sliding away.
And then suddenly two tentacles holding swords appeared. Pip raised his own weapon, prepared to do battle with this unexpected enemy.
He and Luna fought hard, parrying thrusts and attempting to disarm their respective opponents. The floating sensation of being underwater certainly did not help.
The battle raged on until both Pip and Luna managed to get the advantage and knocked away the weapons that attacked them. Disarmed, the menacing tentacles retreated and did not appear again.
Pip gestured to Luna and they swam further towards the bottom of the lake. There was a strange hole there made of rock. It was round and easy enough to fit through. Pip did not fear going inside, because he could see that the cave it led to grew wider on the inside.
Ahead, the water grew shallow and Pip could see the surface. He came up and took out his mouthpiece, breathing fresh air. Beside him, Luna appeared, her wet mane spreading out over the surface of the water.
“Are we there yet?” she asked, her voice playful.
Pip shook his head. “No, this was just the entrance.”
The two of them climbed out, resting for a moment on a rocky ledge above the water that was at least sort of dry. They both checked their gear and then moved deeper into the cave. With her light held high, Luna looked around at a strange mass of scribbling and other symbols and drawings on the walls.
Pip gasped in surprise as he saw that the cave was already occupied. A spherical ball of pink frizz rested on the stone floor. It turned at the sound of their hoofsteps, and Pip saw that it was a pony, a pony so fuzzy that she could barely move.
“She must have been here for a very long time for her coat to grow so long,” Luna observed. Hello fluffy pony, do you have a name?”
There was no response to her inquiry except a rather cute raspberry noise from the cave dweller. Luna cocked her head and winked at Pip. “Don’t worry, during my ninja training I learned to speak ancient Razbrrry.”
She and the fluffy pony began a series of small noises that mostly sounded like sputters, pffts, and other onomonopia. Luna seemed taken aback by something and commented to Pip, “She thinks my accent is atrocious!”
In a different tone, the conversation carried on. Luna managed to learn that the fluffy pony had been in the cave for a thousand years.
“Why so long?” Pip asked in wonder.
“Well, she’s afraid to leave. There’s the squid outside and a carnivore cow cult further into the cave.”
Pip could understand how that could be a deterrent.
After further discussion, Luna had the information needed to save the day. She and Pip promised to come back for the fluffy pony and set off deeper into the cave.
Sure enough, they did come upon a herd of non-herbivorous heifers. Their leader was named Mors Vaccam.
“That means ‘Cow of Death’ in another dialect,” Luna whispered to Pip as they stared at the unpleasant ungulate.
“I’m glad you are so well rounded with language, ninja skills, and everything else,” he replied.
Mors Vaccam spoke loudly. “Who are you that dares to come to our lair?”
“I am Cap’n Pip of the Seven Nebulas!” the colt declared proudly. “And this is my sidekick Luna.”
“Your sidekick?” Luna retorted. “We ninjas are subordinate to nopony!”
“Is that so?” Pip challenged.
“It is,” Luna affirmed.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah!”
Pip and Luna quickly switched from words to weapons, starting a sword battle and fighting hard to best each other. Their tirade took them all over the floor of the cavern. Surprised, Mors Vaccam let them continue, right up to the point that they fought to right in front of the cow leader.
“Do you surrender?” shouted Pip.
“Never!” replied Luna.
“I was talking to you!” Pip swung his sabre to point at Mors Vaccam.
“I knew that all along!” Luna exclaimed, copying his deceptive maneuver.
With two sharp blades unexpectedly bearing down, there was no choice but for the lead cow to submit to surprised surrender. The others in the herd followed suit.
“Tell us where the treasure is,” Pip demanded.
“We’re too afraid of Fluffle Puff to go collect it," Mors Vaccam admitted with shame. “She has been our overlord for the last one thousand years. Also, she tells travelers that it's us keeping her prisoner.”
“Tyranny!” Pip cried. “Come on Luna, we must save these poor oppressed creatures.”
He and Luna dashed back into the other chamber of the cave, crying war chants and brandishing their weapons. The appropriately-named Fluffle Puff stood there evilly as her plan was exposed. She guarded a previously-unnoticed door in the wall that was clearly marked “not treasure room.” Since there were no other rooms available, Pip knew that this clearly was the treasure room, QED.
There was a problem, however. Swords stood no hope of even injuring Fluffle Puff’s thick coat. The best that Pip and Luna could hope for was to keep her at bay while they circled around the room trying to get closer to their prize.
As Luna deflected another violently fuzzy attack from Fluffle Puff, Pip yanked open the door and saw the mounds of gold and jewels that lay behind it. It seemed to be more than any one pony could carry.
He ducked as Fluffle Puff came flying through the air in his direction. Luna may not have been able to hurt her, but at least she could throw Fluffle Puff around a little. Unfortunately, as Fluffle Puff went flying by, her gravitational pull sucked up all the treasure until it disappeared into the depths of her fuzz. There was not even a noise to indicate all the pieces of precious metal clanking on each other.
Turning, Fluffle Puff rolled away down a tunnel behind the “not treasure” door, blowing angry raspberries as she went. Pip and Luna gave chase, soon finding themselves in a secret laboratory with all manner of strange machines and advanced devices present. Somehow managing to fit through the hatch of a nearby submarine docked at a conveniently located pier, Fluffle Puff slammed the steel hatch closed behind her and quickly submerged the vessel.
“After her!” Pip shouted, diving into a second sub. Luna climbed in behind him and closed the hatch. Pushing the controls forward, Pip grinned as the submarine quickly took off after Fluffle Puff’s.
The chase was relatively short. There was only so much water to go around on Mars, and as they raced the length of the lake the giant squid discovered them again. With a mighty lash of tentacles, it sent both subs careening off course and up onto dry land.
Fluffle Puff’s wrecked submarine lay on the beach not far from Pip and Luna’s own. Each of the three ponies clambered out and recommenced their earlier battle. They fought on the shore, occasionally getting drenched by waves from the lake.
Wait, waves? Pip looked up in horror to see the giant squid rising to the surface, lashing its tentacles angrily. Luna quickly flew into the air, speaking rapid Squidese. Pip rolled his eyes. Of course she she could; what other abilities was Luna hiding?
Regardless of her endless surprising talents, Luna’s language skills came in handy and the giant squid eyed Fluffle Puff critically. With one suction-cuppy tentacle, the squid picked her up and commenced shaking. Piles of treasure fell out onto the ground.
A sudden burst of light flashed from Fluffle Puff. Pip squinted and looked away. “What’s happening?”
“It appears that wasn’t even her final form,” remarked Luna, staring with worry at Fluffle Puff. The two of them watched as pink fuzz suddenly raced up the squid’s tentacle, branching out and covering the rest of the poor creature.
“No!” Pip gasped. “Don’t let that touch you or it’ll get you too!”
He ducked out of the way as Fluffle Puff and her unwilling squid accomplice raged along the shoreline. Pip gave a longing look towards the treasure but didn’t think it was going to go anywhere. He and Luna raced back to the ship as Fluffle Puff slowly advanced on them.
“Ready the cannons!” Pip called. Luna helped him roll the artillery across the deck and move it into position. They aimed down the sights as the towering ball of fluff advanced on them. Then it caught on fire and began shooting out blazing balls of lint and fuzz.
“I don’t think this could get any worse,” Pip remarked, crouching low behind the nearest cannon.
“Don’t say that,” Luna warned, but it was too late. Fluffle Puff sprouted wings. While not effective for actually flying, they made her look more fearsome than a regular, non-winged pink fuzzy monster. They also served to bat the fiery balls of fluffy death closer to the ship, dropping the dangerous debris too close for comfort.
“How are we going to get out of this?” Pip shouted, firing the first cannon. He had no illusions that it would actually damage the monster but preferred to at least act like he was making a difference.
“I have a plan,” Luna replied, firing a cannon of her own. Both cannonballs flew out and promptly disappeared into the deep fuzz of Fluffle Puff. Perhaps Pip should have brought his explosive ordnance, but maybe the fluff cushion would them enough not to set off the detonators anyway.
Pip speculated on the creature, now that she was no longer normal Fluffle Puff. What did one call a fluffy pony monster when leveled up? MEGAFLUFFLEPUFF seemed to get the point across, but somehow didn’t seem grand enough.
He was pulled off that line of thought by a deep rumble from overhead. A huge white spaceship with delta wings and a thick heat shield on the underside came into view. Luna glanced up at it and gave Pip a confident smile. “Say hello to my not-so little friend.”
Pip saw a door on the side of the spaceship open and Big Macintosh stepped out, wielding the controls of a futuristic cannon. In the cockpit, he saw Fancypants and Snowflake sitting side by side. The bulky pegasus let out a muted YEAH from behind the thick windshield.
A giant laser beam erupted from the special cannon on the spaceship. It struck Fluffle Puff in the face and she let out a great raspberry of doom and anguish. Mostly anguish, though, because she had just been hit in the face with a giant laser beam.
As Fluffle Puff flailed in the throes of laser’d punishment and released her grip on the squid, Luna quickly opened her ninja pack and took out a container of extra strength anti-static dryer sheets. She winked at Pip. “This should take care of our fuzz problem.”
She merrily sprinkled the sheets all around Fluffle Puff while Pip waved to the rescuing spaceship. It hovered overhead and slowly came in for a landing.
The squid picked itself up and lumbered away back to the lake. Luna finished her work and came over as the spaceship settled to the ground. “I don’t suppose you gentlecolts could help us with this treasure, do you?”
They were agreeable, and helped Pip and Luna load their ship with gold and jewels. Pip made sure to thank them heartily for the assistance. His moth-um, his Pirate Mentor had raised him to be polite and respectful.
The cow cultists appeared, grateful that they had been released from captivity and that their evil overlord was finally defeated.
“I think you should all reconsider your diet,” Luna suggested. “Healthy eating is part of healthy living.”
“Well, it was kind of hard to get stuff to eat down there,” said Mors Vaccam. “I guess we haven’t actually been carnivorous for quite a while.”
“Oh, problem solved, then,” said Luna.
The cows went their own way. Pip inspected his ship while Luna went to talk to the three stallions who had showed up in their spaceship. Pip could hear her thanking them for something and caught her asking something like, “Same dream next week?”
If they flew around in a spaceship with giant lasers, Pip thought that they could probably get away with doing whatever they wanted, but it was nice that they cooperated with Luna so well.
The spaceship lifted off and all three stallions saluted. Pip returned their gesture and waited as Luna climbed aboard his ship. When she was ready, he ordered a course for home.
“Fast or slow, captain?”
Pip considered it. “Slowly, I think. I want to take a nap.”
“Sure thing." Luna smiled.
Starting to turn away to head for his bed, Pip paused. “You know, you’re pretty cool to hang out with. For a ninja.”
Luna grinned. “And you’re a fun friend, too. For a pirate.”
“Space pirate,” he corrected.
Luna smiled and leaned towards him. Pipsqueak eyed her, wondering if he would have to put her in the maiden closet. However, just as Luna was about to speak, something buzzed inside her kit of ninja equipment.
She took out a small object, something Pip had never seen before. There was a blue spark and a hologram appeared floating just above it. A small figure pleaded, “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.”
Luna shrugged and turned the device off. “It must be a wrong number.”
Pip rolled his eyes. Another maiden in distress. Such was the life of a pirate.
Author's Note
Using an idea originally conceived by shortskirtsandexplosions, I set up a Google Document and linked it to my followers.
Three hours later, this came out.
It turned out to be a fun exercise and we had a good time hanging out together. Thanks to everyone for contributing.
