The Wolf and the Unicorn

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."---Woody Allen

Sunlight streamed into the chambers through an opened balcony door, gently illuminating the mess within.  Several hours had passed since Celestia left orders with the guards outside the barred door.  Barred for a reason, as if anypony had been able to see the damage to the Princess' quarters, Hex would have been in front of Celestia in an instant.  Books and baubles littered the floor haphazardly, the bed's linens lay tossed to the side with visible smears of blood across them.  Centered in the chaos, naked and bleeding human lay, with a similarly battered and bloody alicorn curled up against him.  Back home, this would have been considered "one hell of a weekend."

It took several minutes for the light to make the couple stir.  Foul language, grunts, and groans of pain as they started to move around and try to sit up, the results of the evening apparent.

"Son of a bitch!"

A lot of the sensations coursing though my body were new ones, as the night just turned into one big blur of violent sex.  I know at some point, there was a lot of scratching, and for the finale, both Luna and I came away with a deep set of bite marks on our necks.  Fun or not, it felt like I had gotten my ass kicked by a Hells Angel holding a chunk of 2x4 after getting caught with his sister.  Even less fun was all the pops and creaks my body made as I stood up, only to see Luna's alicorn ass disappear into the bathroom.  Once I heard the shower turn on, I limped that way hoping the hot water would wash the soreness away.

"Luna, I'm going to hop in too if you don't mind" I chucked to myself.  After last night, she better not be offended to see me naked.  I'm pretty sure she broke my hips after all.  The only response I got was a throaty moan from within the shower as I pushed the bathroom door open.

As always, the decoration was immaculate, fitting the color scheme of her quarters perfectly, while seemingly giving light from the blue and white tiled walls.  Everything else was forgotten as my eyes caught a massive shower in the corner.  It was easily large enough for two ponies.  Then again, that could have been the point, considering she pretty much called me "The Royal Consort" before the main festivities started.

As I slid the glass doors open, Luna looked back at me, doing the pony version of grinning and wiggling her ass.  Tease.  I tried to smack her on the rump, but moving my arms like that hurt.  Rather a lot I might add.  It did bring a memory to mind though.  Something about pinning her against the wall of her chambers next to the door, her legs wrapped around my waist as I had my way with her.  Then some rope used on me later.  Fuck.  I don't remember everything but it must have been fun.  I think the grin on my face was enough as her blue eyes sparkled in the light before she turned up the water.  Jets and streams pouring out of the ceiling and the walls, it was magnificent.

I didn't even notice how half the water washing off us for the first few minutes started out as crimson and turned to a pinkish red as it ran near the drain.

The shower was amazing, but looking in the mirror after the fact was a shock.  I stood there trying to make sense of the myriad of injuries across my body, mostly scratches, scrapes, and bites.  Mostly.  Somehow I acquired a black eye and a massive bruise that explained why it hurt to breathe a bit.  Luna thankfully, was in better shape, mostly scratches and scrapes, the bite marks disappearing into her fur now that she was back to her normal self.  Either way, it was going to be interesting.

"Hex, if my dearest sister finds out about our...tryst... she will make our lives difficult.  If you do not mind, I'll try to use a small amount of my magic to heal or disguise the worst of the injuries.  We don't want to entirely forget last night after all"

The chuckle afterwards got my attention.  Just not fast enough as she nipped me on the ear before her horn started to glow and a blueish haze began to surround us.  Figures its my luck to be stuck with the Royal Nympho.  Could be worse I guess.  Luna was a demon in the sack after all.

The magic did its work though.  I could feel small injuries itching as they closed, and one sharp pain as a rib popped back into place on my right side where the bruise was fading.  This was going to be an interesting day.  Hopefully Celestia didn't find out though.  Naturally, my hopes were wrong again.

A while later, as we exited Luna's rooms, her guards approached and said something that gave us both pause.  Celestia wanted to see us.  NOW.

The walk to Celestia's chambers was a short one, but it seemed to take forever as the dread carried between Luna and myself.  I was genuinely worried, Luna switched between muttering to herself and fidgeting as she walked.  So mostly irritated was my guess.

Soon enough, we were facing a large wooden and steel door with a solar emblem emblazoned across it in a dark bronze.  All in all, it was striking.  Then again, I am fairly certain I was going to hell for smacking the royal butt.  The two guards at the entrance didn't help either.  As they pulled the doors open, they just glared at me grimly.  Wonderful.

I will admit, I did not expect to see Celestia just sitting on a couch sipping on a cup of tea.  Nor did I expect the words that came out of her mouth as the doors clicked shut behind us.

"Welcome Sister and Hex...the Royal Chew Toy, judging by the marks on your neck"

I just stood there stunned as Celestia laughed at her remarks.  I didn't expect Luna to growl a bit and let anger get the better of herself though.

"Sister!  HOW DARE YOU!  Everytime I have a pony in my life, you HAVE to say something.  The last one before my banishment you called "The Royal Slut!"

I just stood there silently.  I'm pretty sure they are like T-Rexes.  They see motion and would both turn on me.

"Lulu, I am just kidding.  Relax.  I just wanted to have a little fun with you, considering I had to lower the moon.  AGAIN.  After catching you in one of your trysts.  Hex, there was nothing meant by the comment.  Luna and I have always gotten a little...excessive... teasing each other."

"I... um... It's ok I guess.  I've had stranger reactions after getting caught.  And probably the nicest one yet considering you two are sisters."

Breathe dude.  Breathe.  Wtf was that shit?

"I do have to say that if those noises keep up, I might have to borrow Hex for a little bit sometime though.  Half the castle was kept up all night with your moaning in the Royal Canterlot Voice, Luna."

She just shrank down and blushed.  At least as much as a pony could blush.  Any thought of a rebuttal knocked straight out of her mind.  All I could do was facepalm.

"That course business aside, could we get to breakfast and the conversation I was meaning to have with Hex?"

She gestured to a couch adjacent to her own and then clapped her hooves.  Immediately, a white pony wearing chef's clothes rolled a cart into the room as we seated ourselves.  A series of plates and bowls adorned the tables in front of us, then the pony silently turned and wheeled the cart back out.

Celestia and Luna used magic to pull the covers off their plates, revealing what you would expect from a wholesome pony breakfast.  Oats, fruit, juice and the like.  Mine however, was a bit of a surprise.  As I lifted the lid, there was only one thing I could say.

"What the fuck, Celestia."

That snapped both Princesses eyes to me in a heartbeat.

"Is there something wrong with your meal, Hex?  If there is, we can get Copper Pots back in here to fix it immediately."

I looked down at my plate and back to Celestia who had an unamused look on her face.  Luna just sat back watching, gently crunching through an apple.

"Wait.  You didn't do this as a prank?"

"Why would I joke around with your food Hex?  That is simply absurd.  To joke around is one thing, to waste food like that is simply another thing entirely."

"So thats a no."

"No, this isn't a joke Hex.  What is wrong with your breakfast?  I thought it was something appropriate for your appetites."

I could only laugh as I completely revealed my plate.  A half dozen eggs, four strips of bacon, peach slices and toast.  Why I was laughing eluded Celestia, so I figured an explanation was in order.

"Celestia, where I come from, a breakfast like this usually means one thing, and one thing only.  It usually starts with an insult like How many eggs would I need for breakfast to plow your sister"

I laughed harder as realization crossed her face that she gave me a "go ahead" breakfast.  Luna just scooted away from me on the couch and tried to make herself look smaller.

Fucking ponies.  At least they are good for a laugh.  Well a laugh and some earth orbit destroying sex.

After our awkward breakfast, Celestia carried on about what she wanted to talk about.  The seriousness in her voice being a dead giveaway.

"After the Basilisk encounter, most of the guards felt that your weapons were inefficient and incapable of hurting anything or pony.  The changeling invasion changed their minds slightly, but not entirely.  Oh, before I forget, this is yours."

A small box was magically levitated onto my lap.  The top quickly taken off to find the prize within.  Wrapped in several layers of gold colored silk was my revolver.  My revolver that had new engraving and gems studding it.

"Celestia, I am glad you found my revolver, but why it is engraved?  Moreso, why are there gems sticking out of it?"

"The engraving was accidental.  We have the weapon to the royal armorer for cleaning, as it was filthy from blood and debris.  He felt the engraving was something worthy of a hero of Equestria.  As for the gems, they were imbedded in it when we found it.  As best as we can tell, it is a result of direct exposure to your magics.  We do have no idea what that will do to the weapon however."

I could just nod as my eyes followed the patterns that were painstakingly hammered and carved into the living metal of my revolver.  Knots that arced and flowed crossing the surfaces, almost in a celtic way, only to arch back to a flaming crescent moon symbol that covered the areas above the trigger guard.  Beautiful work really.  Even more ironic considering last night.

"What I was needing to ask you is fairly complicated.  Luna and I have discussed this, and we feel it is the best way to show the guards why we need to learn of your weaponry, and potentially learn to use and make it ourselves.  I would like to imbue a small amount of your... rounds, did you call it... to not cause damage, just a flash of magic and fake blood, causing immediate unconsciousness on the target."

In my head, my only thoughts were "oh shit..."

"So you want me to do what exactly?"

"Its simple really, Hex.  I know that you are incredibly capable with these weapons, but the guard is not understanding this.  As such, I want you, to shoot me."