The Tale Tell Pinkieby FryChaptersWhat HappenedGot A Licence to killHow To Lose Your Mind In 10 minutesThe PlanWhat HappenedTRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses --not destroyed --not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. I trowed the best darn parties in ponyville. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily --how calmly I can tell you the whole story. It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. Object there was none. Passion there was none. I loved Derpy as a very good, cross eyed sister. She had never wronged me. She had never given me insult. For her bits I had no desire. I think it was something with her eyes! yes, it was this! She had the eyes of a vulture --a pare of yellow, cross-eyed eyes that was staring into your soul, with a film over it. Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold; and so by degrees --very gradually --I made up my mind to take the life of Derpy, and thus rid myself of her eyes forever. Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Mad Pinkie's know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded --with what caution --with what foresight --with what dissimulation I went to work! My Pinkemena-side had taken over me almost every night. I was always nice to Derpy. And every night, about midnight, I turned the latch of her door and opened it --oh so gently! And then, when I had made an opening sufficient in front of my pink mane, I put in a dark lantern, all closed, closed, that no light shone out, and then I thrust in my head. Oh, you would have laughed to see how cunningly I trusted it in! I moved it slowly --very, very slowly, so that I may not make the slightest sound. It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening so far that I could see him as she lay upon her bed. Ha! would a mad earthpony have been so wise as this, And then, when my head was well in the room, I undid the lantern cautiously-oh, so cautiously --cautiously (for the hinges creaked) --I undid it just so much that a single thin ray fell upon her eyes. And this I did for seven long nights --every night just at midnight --but I found the eye always closed; and so it was impossible to do the work; for it was not Derpy who vexed me, but her evil eyes. And every morning, when the day broke, I went boldly into the chamber, and spoke courageously to Derpy, calling her name in a hearty tone, and inquiring how she slept last night. Derpy understood it all and she thought that it was fine that I kept an eye on her while she slept. Her IQ was not so very high as usual,but that wasn't a problem at all for me! So you see me and Derpy Hooves were great and good friends indeed. Upon the eighth night I was more than usually cautious in opening the door. Usual having a party at Twilight´s house or i had some sweets to bake but this night ; I stayed awake again. A Clock's minute moves more quickly than did mine. Never before that night had I felt the extent of my own powers --of my sagacity. I could scarcely contain my feelings of triumph. To think that there I was, opening the door, little by little, and she was not even to dream of my secret deeds or thoughts. I fairly chuckled at the idea; and perhaps she heard me; for Derpy moved on the bed suddenly, as if startled. Now you may think that I drew back --but no. Her room was as black as pitch with the thick darkness, (for the shutters were close fastened, through fear of robbers,) and so I knew that she could not see the opening of the door, and I kept pushing it on steadily, steadily. Got A Licence to killHer eye was open --wide, wide open --and I grew furious as I gazed upon it. I saw it with perfect distinctness --all a dull blue, with a hideous veil over it that chilled the very marrow in my bones I tried to giggle and laugh the fear away; but I could see nothing else of Derpy´s face: for I had directed the ray as if by instinct, precisely upon the damned spot. And have I not told you that what you mistake for madness is but over-acuteness of the sense? You know what happened to Rainbow Dash --now, I say, there came to my ears a low, dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I knew that sound well because i always hear when gummy was playing with the clock again,but this time it was a louder noise. It was the beating of Derpy´s heart. It increased my fury, as the beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. I saw it slowly pounding in her chest. But even yet I refrained and kept still. I scarcely breathed. I held the lantern motionless. I tried how steadily I could maintain the ray upon the eve. Meantime my ear started to twitch and my tail was asflat as a flat balloon. Suddenly i heard her heartbeat again. It grew quicker and quicker, and louder and louder every instant. Derpy´s terror must have been extreme! It grew louder, I say, louder every moment! --do you mark me well I have told you that I am nervous: so I am. And now at the dead hour of the night, amid the dreadful silence of our old apartment. So strange a noise as this excited me to uncontrollable terror. Yet, for some minutes longer I refrained and stood still. But the beating grew louder, louder! I thought the heart must burst.I thought humming ''giggle at the ghosty'' would calm down my nerves,so i hummed and hummed but it was no use. And now a new anxiety seized me --the sound would be heard by a neighbor! Derpy´s hour has arrived! With a loud yell, I threw open the lantern and leaped into the room. Derpy shrieked once --once only. In an instant I dragged her to the floor and pulled the heavy bed over him. ``Pinkie,what is you doings?´´ ; I heard Derpy Spoke for the last time. I then smiled gaily, to find the deed so far done. But, for many minutes, the heart beat on with a muffled sound. This, however, did not bothered me; it would not be heard through the wall. At length it ceased. Derpy was dead. I removed the bed and examined the corpse. Yes, she was stone, stone dead. I placed my hand upon the heart and held it there many minutes. There was no pulsation. She was stone dead. Her eyes would trouble me no more. If still you think me mad, you will think so no longer when I describe the wise precautions I took for the concealment of the body. The night waned, and I worked hastily, but in silence. First of all I dismembered the corpse. Than i ripped off her mane and tail and removed all her organs,it was dirty work i know but you had to do something after you killed somepony take that from pinkamena.I also cut off the head and the hooves and the legs. I then took up three planks from the flooring of the chamber, and deposited all between the scantlings. I then replaced the boards so cleverly, so cunningly, that no Pegasus,Alicorn,unicorn or earthpony eye --not even Derpy´s --could have detected any thing wrong. There was nothing to wash out --no stain of any kind --no blood-spot whatever. I had been too wary for that. A tub had caught all --ha! ha! How To Lose Your Mind In 10 minutesWhen I had made an end of these labors, it was four o'clock --still dark as midnight. As the bell sounded the hour, there came a knocking at the street door. I went down to open it with a light heart, --for what had I now to fear? There entered Three Ponies, who introduced themselves, with perfect suavity, as officers of the police. In my eye-corner i saw Fluttershy,Twilight,Rainbow,Rarity,Spike and Applejack Standing behind the police-ponies. A shriek had been heard by Twilight and Fluttershy during the night; suspicion of foul play had been aroused; information had been lodged at the police office, and they (the officers) had been deputed to search the premises. I smiled, --for what had I to fear? I bade the Ponies welcome into the apartment . The shriek, I said, was me in a dream. Derpy, I mentioned, was absent in the country. I took my visitors all over the house. I bade them search --search well. I led them, at length, to my Friends chamber. I showed them her beloved treasures, mails, undisturbed. In the enthusiasm of my confidence, I pushed some chairs into the room with my hooves, and desired them here to rest from their fatigues, while I myself, in the wild audacity of my perfect triumph, placed my own seat upon the very spot beneath which reposed the corpse of the victim. The officers were satisfied. My manner had convinced them. I was singularly at ease and Filt With Happyness and joy just like my Pinkie-side felt always. They sat, and while I answered cheerily, they chatted of familiar things. But, ere long, I felt myself getting pale and wished them gone. My head ached, and I fancied a ringing in my ears: but still they sat and still chatted. The ringing became more distinct: --It continued and became more distinct: I talked more freely to get rid of the feeling: but it continued and gained definiteness --until, at length, I found that the noise was not within my ears. No doubt I now grew very pale; --but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased --and what could I do,what would pinkie do? It was a low, dull, quick sound --much such a sound as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I gasped for breath --and yet the officers heard it not. I talked more quickly like i used to do,but my voice fainted under the sound of the ringing--more vehemently; but the noise steadily increased. I arose and argued about trifles, in a high key and with violent gesticulations; but the noise steadily increased. Why would they not be gone? I paced the floor to and fro with heavy strides, as if excited to fury by the observations of the men --but the noise steadily increased. Oh Celestia! what could I do? I foamed --I raved --and I swore! I swung the chair upon which I had been sitting, and grated it upon the boards, but the noise arose over all and continually increased. It grew louder --louder --louder! And still the men chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty Celestia! --no, no! They heard! --they suspected! --they knew! --they were making a mockery of my horror!-this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! "Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! --tear up the planks! here, here! --It is the beating of Derpy´s hideous heart!" And now i sit here... In this darn jail! IM NOT MAD,DO YOU HEAR ME!!!--Smacks hoof against the glass jail-window-- TRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? -THE END- The PlanI had my head in, and was about to open the lantern, when my hoof slipped out and i dropped the lantern, and Derpy sprang up in bed, crying out --"Who's there ...a muffin?" I kept quite still and said nothing. For a whole hour I did not move a muscle, my pink mane was hanging over my eyes : Flat and Thin it was. In the meantime I did not hear her lie down. Derpy was still sitting up in the bed listening; --just as I have done, night after night, hearkening to the death watches in the wall. Presently I heard a slight groan, and I knew it was the groan of mortal terror. It was not a groan of pain or of grief --oh, no! --it was the low stifled sound that arises from the bottom of the soul when overcharged with awe. I knew the sound well. Many a night, just at midnight, when all the world slept, it has welled up from my own bosom, deepening, with its dreadful echo, the terrors that distracted me. I say I knew it well. I knew what Derpy felt, and pitied her, although I chuckled at heart. Even she couldn't help it that her eyes had that,Evil in her pupils. I knew that she had been lying awake ever since the first slight noise, when she had turned in the bed. Her fears had been ever since growing upon her. She had been trying to fancy them causeless, but could not. She had been saying to herself --"It is nothing but the wind in the chimney --it is only a mouse crossing the floor," or "It is merely a cricket which has made a single chirp." Yes, she had been trying to comfort herself with these suppositions: but Derpy had found all in vain. All in vain; because Dumbness, in approaching her had stalked with his buddy Death before her, and enveloped the victim. Derpy had always such an unlucky life but that was not the reason to be unhappy. She was always happy and didn't care about if she did something dumb or when she derped. --although she neither saw nor heard --to feel the presence of my head within the room. When I had waited a long time, very patiently, without hearing her lie down, I resolved to open a little --a very, very little crevice in the lantern. So I opened it --you cannot imagine how stealthily, stealthily --until, at length a simple dim ray, like the thread of the spider or Spike's his firebreath, shot from out the crevice and fell full upon one of her closed eyes.
What HappenedTRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses --not destroyed --not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. I trowed the best darn parties in ponyville. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily --how calmly I can tell you the whole story. It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. Object there was none. Passion there was none. I loved Derpy as a very good, cross eyed sister. She had never wronged me. She had never given me insult. For her bits I had no desire. I think it was something with her eyes! yes, it was this! She had the eyes of a vulture --a pare of yellow, cross-eyed eyes that was staring into your soul, with a film over it. Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold; and so by degrees --very gradually --I made up my mind to take the life of Derpy, and thus rid myself of her eyes forever. Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Mad Pinkie's know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded --with what caution --with what foresight --with what dissimulation I went to work! My Pinkemena-side had taken over me almost every night. I was always nice to Derpy. And every night, about midnight, I turned the latch of her door and opened it --oh so gently! And then, when I had made an opening sufficient in front of my pink mane, I put in a dark lantern, all closed, closed, that no light shone out, and then I thrust in my head. Oh, you would have laughed to see how cunningly I trusted it in! I moved it slowly --very, very slowly, so that I may not make the slightest sound. It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening so far that I could see him as she lay upon her bed. Ha! would a mad earthpony have been so wise as this, And then, when my head was well in the room, I undid the lantern cautiously-oh, so cautiously --cautiously (for the hinges creaked) --I undid it just so much that a single thin ray fell upon her eyes. And this I did for seven long nights --every night just at midnight --but I found the eye always closed; and so it was impossible to do the work; for it was not Derpy who vexed me, but her evil eyes. And every morning, when the day broke, I went boldly into the chamber, and spoke courageously to Derpy, calling her name in a hearty tone, and inquiring how she slept last night. Derpy understood it all and she thought that it was fine that I kept an eye on her while she slept. Her IQ was not so very high as usual,but that wasn't a problem at all for me! So you see me and Derpy Hooves were great and good friends indeed. Upon the eighth night I was more than usually cautious in opening the door. Usual having a party at Twilight´s house or i had some sweets to bake but this night ; I stayed awake again. A Clock's minute moves more quickly than did mine. Never before that night had I felt the extent of my own powers --of my sagacity. I could scarcely contain my feelings of triumph. To think that there I was, opening the door, little by little, and she was not even to dream of my secret deeds or thoughts. I fairly chuckled at the idea; and perhaps she heard me; for Derpy moved on the bed suddenly, as if startled. Now you may think that I drew back --but no. Her room was as black as pitch with the thick darkness, (for the shutters were close fastened, through fear of robbers,) and so I knew that she could not see the opening of the door, and I kept pushing it on steadily, steadily.
Got A Licence to killHer eye was open --wide, wide open --and I grew furious as I gazed upon it. I saw it with perfect distinctness --all a dull blue, with a hideous veil over it that chilled the very marrow in my bones I tried to giggle and laugh the fear away; but I could see nothing else of Derpy´s face: for I had directed the ray as if by instinct, precisely upon the damned spot. And have I not told you that what you mistake for madness is but over-acuteness of the sense? You know what happened to Rainbow Dash --now, I say, there came to my ears a low, dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I knew that sound well because i always hear when gummy was playing with the clock again,but this time it was a louder noise. It was the beating of Derpy´s heart. It increased my fury, as the beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. I saw it slowly pounding in her chest. But even yet I refrained and kept still. I scarcely breathed. I held the lantern motionless. I tried how steadily I could maintain the ray upon the eve. Meantime my ear started to twitch and my tail was asflat as a flat balloon. Suddenly i heard her heartbeat again. It grew quicker and quicker, and louder and louder every instant. Derpy´s terror must have been extreme! It grew louder, I say, louder every moment! --do you mark me well I have told you that I am nervous: so I am. And now at the dead hour of the night, amid the dreadful silence of our old apartment. So strange a noise as this excited me to uncontrollable terror. Yet, for some minutes longer I refrained and stood still. But the beating grew louder, louder! I thought the heart must burst.I thought humming ''giggle at the ghosty'' would calm down my nerves,so i hummed and hummed but it was no use. And now a new anxiety seized me --the sound would be heard by a neighbor! Derpy´s hour has arrived! With a loud yell, I threw open the lantern and leaped into the room. Derpy shrieked once --once only. In an instant I dragged her to the floor and pulled the heavy bed over him. ``Pinkie,what is you doings?´´ ; I heard Derpy Spoke for the last time. I then smiled gaily, to find the deed so far done. But, for many minutes, the heart beat on with a muffled sound. This, however, did not bothered me; it would not be heard through the wall. At length it ceased. Derpy was dead. I removed the bed and examined the corpse. Yes, she was stone, stone dead. I placed my hand upon the heart and held it there many minutes. There was no pulsation. She was stone dead. Her eyes would trouble me no more. If still you think me mad, you will think so no longer when I describe the wise precautions I took for the concealment of the body. The night waned, and I worked hastily, but in silence. First of all I dismembered the corpse. Than i ripped off her mane and tail and removed all her organs,it was dirty work i know but you had to do something after you killed somepony take that from pinkamena.I also cut off the head and the hooves and the legs. I then took up three planks from the flooring of the chamber, and deposited all between the scantlings. I then replaced the boards so cleverly, so cunningly, that no Pegasus,Alicorn,unicorn or earthpony eye --not even Derpy´s --could have detected any thing wrong. There was nothing to wash out --no stain of any kind --no blood-spot whatever. I had been too wary for that. A tub had caught all --ha! ha!
How To Lose Your Mind In 10 minutesWhen I had made an end of these labors, it was four o'clock --still dark as midnight. As the bell sounded the hour, there came a knocking at the street door. I went down to open it with a light heart, --for what had I now to fear? There entered Three Ponies, who introduced themselves, with perfect suavity, as officers of the police. In my eye-corner i saw Fluttershy,Twilight,Rainbow,Rarity,Spike and Applejack Standing behind the police-ponies. A shriek had been heard by Twilight and Fluttershy during the night; suspicion of foul play had been aroused; information had been lodged at the police office, and they (the officers) had been deputed to search the premises. I smiled, --for what had I to fear? I bade the Ponies welcome into the apartment . The shriek, I said, was me in a dream. Derpy, I mentioned, was absent in the country. I took my visitors all over the house. I bade them search --search well. I led them, at length, to my Friends chamber. I showed them her beloved treasures, mails, undisturbed. In the enthusiasm of my confidence, I pushed some chairs into the room with my hooves, and desired them here to rest from their fatigues, while I myself, in the wild audacity of my perfect triumph, placed my own seat upon the very spot beneath which reposed the corpse of the victim. The officers were satisfied. My manner had convinced them. I was singularly at ease and Filt With Happyness and joy just like my Pinkie-side felt always. They sat, and while I answered cheerily, they chatted of familiar things. But, ere long, I felt myself getting pale and wished them gone. My head ached, and I fancied a ringing in my ears: but still they sat and still chatted. The ringing became more distinct: --It continued and became more distinct: I talked more freely to get rid of the feeling: but it continued and gained definiteness --until, at length, I found that the noise was not within my ears. No doubt I now grew very pale; --but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased --and what could I do,what would pinkie do? It was a low, dull, quick sound --much such a sound as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I gasped for breath --and yet the officers heard it not. I talked more quickly like i used to do,but my voice fainted under the sound of the ringing--more vehemently; but the noise steadily increased. I arose and argued about trifles, in a high key and with violent gesticulations; but the noise steadily increased. Why would they not be gone? I paced the floor to and fro with heavy strides, as if excited to fury by the observations of the men --but the noise steadily increased. Oh Celestia! what could I do? I foamed --I raved --and I swore! I swung the chair upon which I had been sitting, and grated it upon the boards, but the noise arose over all and continually increased. It grew louder --louder --louder! And still the men chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty Celestia! --no, no! They heard! --they suspected! --they knew! --they were making a mockery of my horror!-this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! "Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! --tear up the planks! here, here! --It is the beating of Derpy´s hideous heart!" And now i sit here... In this darn jail! IM NOT MAD,DO YOU HEAR ME!!!--Smacks hoof against the glass jail-window-- TRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? -THE END-
The PlanI had my head in, and was about to open the lantern, when my hoof slipped out and i dropped the lantern, and Derpy sprang up in bed, crying out --"Who's there ...a muffin?" I kept quite still and said nothing. For a whole hour I did not move a muscle, my pink mane was hanging over my eyes : Flat and Thin it was. In the meantime I did not hear her lie down. Derpy was still sitting up in the bed listening; --just as I have done, night after night, hearkening to the death watches in the wall. Presently I heard a slight groan, and I knew it was the groan of mortal terror. It was not a groan of pain or of grief --oh, no! --it was the low stifled sound that arises from the bottom of the soul when overcharged with awe. I knew the sound well. Many a night, just at midnight, when all the world slept, it has welled up from my own bosom, deepening, with its dreadful echo, the terrors that distracted me. I say I knew it well. I knew what Derpy felt, and pitied her, although I chuckled at heart. Even she couldn't help it that her eyes had that,Evil in her pupils. I knew that she had been lying awake ever since the first slight noise, when she had turned in the bed. Her fears had been ever since growing upon her. She had been trying to fancy them causeless, but could not. She had been saying to herself --"It is nothing but the wind in the chimney --it is only a mouse crossing the floor," or "It is merely a cricket which has made a single chirp." Yes, she had been trying to comfort herself with these suppositions: but Derpy had found all in vain. All in vain; because Dumbness, in approaching her had stalked with his buddy Death before her, and enveloped the victim. Derpy had always such an unlucky life but that was not the reason to be unhappy. She was always happy and didn't care about if she did something dumb or when she derped. --although she neither saw nor heard --to feel the presence of my head within the room. When I had waited a long time, very patiently, without hearing her lie down, I resolved to open a little --a very, very little crevice in the lantern. So I opened it --you cannot imagine how stealthily, stealthily --until, at length a simple dim ray, like the thread of the spider or Spike's his firebreath, shot from out the crevice and fell full upon one of her closed eyes.
