Look, All I Want

by Mistershield

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Mayor Mare, Random, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6
Length: 17894

A human has arrived with only one thing in his mind. And no one is going to stop him.

A human has arrived in Equestria with one purpose. Oh look, how original. But... It's not to make friends? Not romance? And he didn't die? Why then, did he come to the land of Ponies? Personally, he blames Obama.

Published 2013-05-26 04:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-06 20:21:54 UTC

Ch.2- Look, I Just Want an Interview

Chapter 2

Rainbow Dash moved her head up and down, nodding as she stood on a cloud looking down over Ponyville. The wind was right, the altitude was lower than ever. The new super low Buccaneer Blitz was ready for testing! A large grin formed on her face as she lowered her head as her front legs bent a bit. Her rear moved up, the multi-colored tail switching back and forth as she prepared for take off. Just one final check to make sure no other pegasi in the air, and the ground was clear.

“This is going to be so awe-”

She stopped herself, spotting a rather large being. Her head moved to peer over the edge of the cloud and squint her eyes. Oh no! Not another one? Rainbow Dash shook her head to the sides, trying to keep herself from panicking. Anything but a human. Not now! It seems because of her loneliness, she was willing to get attention from anypony that would give it to her. Even if it was poor, lonely, unathletic guys. She opened her eyes to study the guy again. But the worst of them? “Please, please, let it not be a-”

She stopped herself. Her mouth opened slowly, her eyes opening at the sight. He was wearing a red checkered flannel shirt, jeans, and camping equipment. The pegasus cringed, lowering her body to the cloud. It was a total Bro. One of those that was apparently her type. Outdoorsy and confident, one that wouldn’t back down from a challenge. And dear Celestia, if they called her ‘Rainbro’ she would lose it and go head over heels. She released a sigh.

“May as well get this over with,” Rainbow said as she stood up again and jumped off the cloud. Well, at least she would get a friend to watch her stunts and- What the? Her wings flapped a bit to let her hover as she watched him walk inside City Hall. Huh? An outdoorsy type going to City Hall? Both magenta eyes blinked rapidly, trying to understand what was going on. It made no sense. No human went to City Hall! Egg heady or not!

“Rainbow Dash?”

“Huh? Oh, Twilight!” The Loyal pony turned to look down at her friend and flew down to join her. “What’s up?”

“Did you see the new human walk by?” Twilight asked, smiling at her friend.

“Uh, yeah he went inside City Hall. Is he a danger to Equestria? Or did you fall in love again?” Rainbow said with a grin. Teasing Twilight was fun sometimes, and if the unicorn was here- hopefully the human was claimed by her. Unless this human was into harems. The cyan pony folded her wings in as she started walking to City Hall.

“Neither Rainbow Dash,” Twilight frowned a bit, moving to join the pegasus. “I went to check with Applejack and Rarity. And get this,” Twilight furrowed her brows in confusion. “He totally ignored them! Didn’t even ask where any of our friends were. Didn’t even ask to speak to our princesses!”

“No fooling?” Rainbow’s eyes shut open, coming to a stop close to City Hall. “Did he get amnesia or something?”

“That’s the thing that has me confused,” Twilight came to a stop next to her friend. “He did ask for City Hall, and you confirmed he went in.”

“Weird.”

“The only guesses I could come up with is that he went to either suck up to the Mayor to get a free house- Or he is going to kidnap her or use her as a hostage.”

“But,” Rainbow frowned a second. “He had camping gear on.”

“And while he did ignore the ponies, he was polite with Applejack,” Twilight said, turning her head to look at the building.

“You wanna barge in there and throw it out of proportion like you usually do? Or do the sensible thing and wait it out and see for once?” Rainbow asked as her eyes relaxed.

“I do not-” Twilight frowned for a second, but then she stopped herself. Did she just barge in everywhere when something was important? Well, there was Shining’s wedding... “Honestly? I’m confused. If this was just another human in Equestria, I’d know how to handle things.”

____________________________________

Chuck Norris looked around the front entrance of City Hall. He wasn’t sure what to expect, the intel he had seen from the show never actually revealed what City Hall looked from the inside. Other than the pavilion, then again that wasn’t important. The walls were painted yellow, and there was fancy looking stone tiles on the floor. He had expected carpeting, but when your city residents have dirt on their hooves, carpeting may not be efficient.Taking off the camping gear from his back, Chuck set it down to stretch.out and prepared mentally to meet the Mayor.

“Mr. Norris?”

That was the voice from pony from the window. He turned to look over at Time Turner and lowered his arms to smile. “Oh hello. I don’t believe I caught your name.”

“Do excuse me. I’m Time Turner. I’m the Mayor’s timekeeper.” The brown earth stallion smiled a bit, nodding his head in greetings. Although this human didn’t look like a high socialite type, he did have some manners. “You wished to see Mayor Mare about a job?”

“Yes indeed,” Norris replied as he walked over to the pony. Height-wise, it looked as though the male ponies reached about a little bit over his waist- whilst the females reached him waist wise. “Forgive me for asking, but are you the one I should be asking about the appointment? It seems rude, since you are not a receptionist or secretary.”

“I don’t mind sir. I do work as an aide to the mayor. Timekeeping sometimes means I make sure she stays on schedule,” Turner chuckled. Such care over station this human had. “Her Honor has not many appointments today. The receptionist has just had her foal not too long ago, so the Mayor tries not to overstress herself on these days.”

“I see. Should I?” Chuck Norris moved a hand to the door, wondering if he should go look for his camping spot.

“Oh no, it will be quite alright Mr. Norris. With her schedule clear, she could do something to earn her bits for the day.” Turner turned around, leading the way to the main office. “Who am I to stop Chuck Norris from seeing The Mayor?”

____________________________________

Mayor Mare looked at herself in a hoof mirror. Great! Not a sight of pink hair, and her glasses had been cleaned. In all of her past instances with aliens, only one or two humans actually bothered to speak to her. If this human had a glasses fetish, well- It was about time she got a human lover. The sound of a turning knob made her lift her eyebrows. She set the mirror away in a drawer and smiled. “Come in,” Mayor called out in the most pleasant voice she could. The white door opened to let Turner and Norris in.

“Let me introduce Mr. Chuck Norris,” Timer Turner called out. Having left his gear and jacket behind, the human walked in and looked around. The office was larger than expected, though Chuck wondered if that was because the Mayor sometimes had Princess White in here. Her Honor was sitting behind a mahogany desk, with a few art portraits hung along the wall. Odd, this room had red carpeting and a few shelves with books around the walls.

“Mahogany...” Chuck Norris said under his breath. He liked to say the word mahogany.

“Greetings Mr. Norris. Please, have a...” The Mayor stopped herself. There was only one chair in the office. Since most of her visitors were ponies, there was no chairs. She only had a royal pillow that was saved for the rare occasions royalty showed up. “Do pardon. We do not have a chair for you. But rest assured, the floor is clean. Feel free to sit on the ground. I hope you understand.” A small blush crept upon her cheeks. As a dignitary, she would have to fix that.

“It’s alright. I understand. I guess since the town gets destroyed a lot, you gotta save money somewhere,” Chuck said, walking to the center of the room. For the Mayor’s credit, the carpet was clean.

“Oh? So you know about the town?” Mare lost her sense of embarrassment and turned to look at Turner. The stallion had walked over to the side and took a pencil in his mouth. For now, it would be up to him to take notes. Now, they knew this human wasn’t amnesiatic, and he had knowledge of their lives.

“Well, it would be silly to come to a new land without some knowledge,” Chuck smiled, moving each hand to rest on his hips. “I know the value of bits, weather is controlled, and some of the town history.”

“Really?” The Mayor raised her eyebrows in surprise. The next line of questioning would be critical. She did not need another rabid fan-human with weird powers or some weird destiny to fulfill. Sometimes, Princess Celestia had a weird sense of humor. Turner picked up his head, eyes closed a bit at the revelation of the human. “If you know so much, may I ask why you came to me and not Twilight Sparkle?”

“Twilight Twilight Twilight,” Chuck said over and over, as if to think back about that name. “She’s the Element of Magic I think. Something to do with Princess Celestia,” He crossed both arms on his chest to look to the ground a bit. “Well, because it was the logical thing to do, really.”

“Logical?” Mayor nodded once to Turner, making sure he was taking notes. “Could you elaborate?”

“Well. You are the Mayor of town. Your Honor, I am an illegal immigrant and a trespasser in this land. First and foremost, I came to turn myself in.” Chuck turned to look at Turner and smiled. “Am I right? I just want to make sure my intentions are known to the legal authority of the land. I mean, it seems rude to go over the Mayor’s head and speak straight to Celestia, right?”

Turner picked up his head, looking over at Chuck Norris. He looked left and right a second, wondering why the human was addressing him. Then again, the human was telling the truth.

“I see. Well, Princess Celestia did set up a protocol that was to go through. Though it looks like I wasn’t included in these plans and these instances deferred all power to Twilight...” ‘Mare added that last statement under her breath. She smiled though, glad that at least one human was giving her position the proper respect it was due. “Tell me, do you know of the other Elements of Harmony?”

“I do. But not of the ponies...” Chuck lowered his head and chuckled. “You see, a friend of mine made the list of relevant info. But he said I should learn more about ponies for myself. But I have no intention of getting into a relationship with the Elements of Harmony-” The outdoorsman stopped, lifting his eyebrows to look over at Turner. The pony's mouth had opened, and he dropped his writing utensil to the ground. Right eyebrow raised, Chuck turned to look over at the Mayor. Her glasses had slid down her muzzle as her own mouth was open in shock. A human that did not want to bang or romance a pony? Outrageous! Unheard of!

“Nicolas Cage warned me there’d be days like this...” Chuck Norris muttered under his breath. “Thanks Obama.”

Author's Note

Nicholas Cage has indeed met Chuck Norris.

Ch.3- Look, All I Want is Camping Grounds

Chapter 3

“How long do you wanna wait then?” Rainbow Dash asked Twilight. Both ponies had moved to the front doors of City Hall building. So far, the new visitor had only been in there a few minutes. The pegasus, while not exactly bored, was getting apprehensive. Seeing her friend Twilight a bit nervous made her feel uneasy.

“I don’t know,” Twilight responded. Her purple eyes closed a bit to look back at Rainbow. “Remember the protocol procedure?”

“Yeah yeah. Pretend you don't know humans. Act like they are weird,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as she went down the long list. “Make sure the humans are no threat. Find out if they have powers or weapons. Determine if they have knowledge of Equestria, and all that other stuff...”

“I think we’re supposed to do that now, but he’s in there with the Mayor. If it’s a warning, barging in there would be dangerous.” Twilight lowered both ears against her head. “But he could also be in there doing something weird, like seducing Mayor Mare or hurting her.” She picked up her head, looking at Rainbow’s eyes. “But what worries me more is the after effects.”

“After effects?” Dash narrowed her eyes a bit. “You mean like when a human or two comes in with the power to seduce us all?”

“Well...” Twilight shut her eyes, feeling her cheeks flush again. “That is one side effect. But no, I’m talking about the other ones. Like a danger is coming to Equestria, or something is going to drastically change.” The unicorn opened her eyes and sighed.

“Oh. Yeah, that seems to happen a lot, but only when a human falls for you Twilight.” The pegasus drove her left fore hoof on the ground a bit. “Besides, it always seems to end well. My humans always end up getting themselves hurt...”

“Can we not talk about our past relationships? Let’s go inside then, and just take a quick look around. I think that should be ok.” Twilight released a sigh. She was really hoping to go a whole week without falling in love again. Then again, for once she would like to get a human that wasn’t in pain, had weirdo powers, or was a socially inept as she was at times.

“Okay. Um.. Dibs?” Rainbow Dash smiled a bit, moving a hoof to the back of her mane.

“Rainbow Dash! You know we can’t call dibs! We have to follow protocol,” Twilight frowned. Why didn’t she call dibs?!

“Yeah, I guess we should see if he’s dangerous first,” Rainbow released her own sigh. Both picked up their heads and walked through the door. “Huh. He left his camping gear in the hallway.” The cyan pony looked around, seeing no pony around. “Wanna look through it?”

_____________________________________

“So, what do you think Applejack?” Fluttershy ask. “Want to go see the new human, or should we go through our whole routine first?”

“Listen Shy, I don’t wanna git involved in another human. ‘Sides I’m working,” Applejack sighed. “Ya know how top tiers go. Ya go first, then Twi, then it’s a tie tween me an Dash.”

“But you saw him first. Doesn’t that mean you get dibs?” Fluttershy asked.

“Ya know, for somepony that thought she was a gonner- yer getting awfully interested.” Applejack squinted at her friend.

“Well...” Fluttershy lowered her head a bit, moving her right hoof out to idly kick the ground. May as well be honest with the Element of Honesty. “There’s one thing I do want. Out of all of the humans, maybe only one or two of them were animal caretakers like me. Least you’ve had a farmer or two come your way. I keep hoping to run into a human that can tell me about the animals in their world.”

“Ya don’t say,” Applejack raised her eyebrows. Now that she thought about it, a lot of the humans that came here were soldiers, pilots, emotional types with dead end jobs- And let’s face it, a lot of them were self proclaimed ‘losers with nothing to live for.’

“Yeah. Sometimes, it would be nice just to get a second opinion. Even some advice or new techniques,” Fluttershy picked up her head to look at her friend. “Everypony else gets colleagues or something of that sort. It would be nice, even if just to get critique.”

“Say what now?” Applejack narrowed her eyes now.

“Well, you know you’re doing a good job. Your results prove it. Even Granny Smith and Big Macintosh as your elders leave things to you. Twilight has a mentor, Rarity has professional fashion designers and critics, Rainbow Dash has the Wonderbolts, and even Pinkie Pie has the Cakes.” Fluttershy raised her head, getting her face out of her mane. “While the little critters do tell me I do a nice job, acknowledge from colleagues or professionals would be a good way to gauge myself.”

“Well, when you put it that way,” Applejack moved a hoof to her chin. Fluttershy was right. They all had somepony that could be a mentor and fall back on. “But why this human?”

“He did look like an outdoor type of human. And his camping gear means he knows how to handle outdoors, so maybe he knows animals,” Fluttershy smiled a bit.

“Are you sure that’s it? Not feeling lonely again?”

“Relationships are nice, and having a foal or a husband is a wonderful feeling,” Fluttershy said as she closed her eyes, but she lowered her head as her ears fell back. “But I would want it to be on my own terms without me having to heal or nurture them would be nice. And this human looks so healthy at least.”

“Now that ya mention it... Where are all your other husbands and foals?”

“Where are yours?”

“Point taken. Well, Ah would be interested in seein’ who this human ends up with. Let me take this cart back to the farm. Ya can drop off yer stuff and we can go find Twi together.”

______________________________________

“Forgive our reactions Mr. Norris,” Mayor Mare moved a hoof to push her glasses up, regaining her composure. Time Turner also moved to pick up the pencil, a bit embarassed by his own reaction.

“Are humans and ponies always expected to be a couple?” Chuck raised his left eyebrow, leaning his head away a bit.

“Well, not all of them. Many actually just become friends,” Mayor moved to sit straight in her chair. Which was actually sit on her haunches while her front hooves stood straight in the seat. “But to outright say they won't have any relationship with a pony, friendly or not-”

“Oh, right. I should clarify that. I don’t know you all, and I certainly don’t expect to make friends with everyone,” Chuck lowered his arms to the sides to smile at the misunderstanding. “I do want to make friends with my co-workers and neighbors.”

“Ah, that does clear things a bit. But, back to your statment- Turn yourself in?” Mare raised her left eyebrow.

“Ah. Well, I expect to be detained for questioning, maybe arrested,” Chuck answered as he dropped his smile. “That is, assuming if things are the worst case scenario.”

“Well, there is a few questions we are to follow to determine if you are detained. But I must say, I’m shocked,” Mayor moved herself to lean closer into her desk. “Why did you turn yourself in willingly? You are the first I believe to ever admit he did a crime.”

“Well, it seems other humans got here- I have no idea how or why,” Chuck shrugged his shoulders. “But I came here willingly, and knowing full knowledge I was breaking immigrant laws. I’m guessing the other humans got here outside their power or against their will.”

“I see. That does make sense actually.” The mare turned to look at Turner, who nodded as he continued to write things down. The stallion had written down so much, that he had to start on another sheet. “Your camping gear then? Did you assume that would not detain you?”

“My friend informed me you ponies are very friendly and reasonable race. I wouldn’t have come here if I didn't think I stood a reasonable chance to live. I just want some space in Whitetail woods.”

“Whitetail? Not Everfree?” Mare once again blinked, though this time in curiosity.

“Everfree sounds like an annoying place. Poison Joke, manticores? No thanks. I don't know magic, I don’t have weapons, and I certainly don’t have powers.” Norris raised his left hand, waving it back and forth.

“Annoying?” Mayor Mare lowered her eyebrows. “Not scary or dangerous?”

“Chuck Norris doesn’t scare easily your Honor,” the human chuckled. “Besides, no one dies in this place other than old age, and I’m guessing disease.”

“Disease?”

“One pony I saw has a Cutie Mark, I think you call them, of a tobacco pipe. Smoking exists in this place. Cancer can exist then,” Chuck replied. Turner stopped writing a second, turning to look at Mayor. She shrugged a bit, since he was telling the truth.

“Well, at least we know you have no powers or weapons, so we can scratch those off the list. So far, you've displayed very cognitive thought and a genuine will of being civilized. May I ask, did you bring the gear as a precaution?”

“Well, until I make enough to get a home, I plan to live in the woods. And I should mention, I do have an axe and a few tools with me. I don't consider them weapons though- just tools to chop wood and make things I may need,” Chuck smiled.

“I see. Well, at least that takes care of housing. You have no idea how many humans come through and end up living in some pony’s house... Usually the Elements of Harmony,” once more the mare said under her breath. “Assume we did place you in jail? What do you think would happen?”

“Probably work release program,” Chuck said. “You do seem reasonable and friendly, and from all this talk of other humans- It’s safe to assume I won’t get banished, exiled, or deported. Either I stay and get a job, or in jail and work- Either way I get paid.”

“Did you really just come here to get a job? Truly?” Mayor asked, leaning in a bit to study his face.

“The Economy in my home country is tough. Lots of reasons there’s no work. Companies downsize to save money because they make products no one wants or people waste money stupidly. Companies outsource work to other countries because it’s cheaper. Many qualified workers have to beat so many others just for a position. Our country wastes money on unimportant things-”

“Unimportant?”

“Did you know my president himself admitted. ‘We still waste money in all kinds of things that don't work.’ And he has created a $26 billion loan program created for ‘green jobs,’ that most normal citizens don’t even stand a chance to get?” Chuck turned his head to the right side and frowned. “Thanks Obama.”

“Really? That seems a bit irresponsible,” Mayor Mare admitted. “But you do seem to be telling the truth. Was it so bad you decided to throw away your citizenship, home, and friends and family to come here?”

“That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Granted, it’s not all his fault. But he’s bailed out failing companies and while the country is getting back on it’s feet- A lot of us still suffer. Don't get me started on Obama-care. That thing has it’s ups and downs, and I’m not even going to get into it.”

“Well, Mr. Chuck Norris. I think you qualify as a city resident. But I’m afraid it’s not up to me. You must meet with Twilight Sparkle.”

___________________________________

”How were the foals Pinkie?” Mrs. Cake asked, smiling at her babies in their crib.

“They were just absolut-” Pinkie Pie stopped talking, feeling her Pinkie Sense kicking in. She arched her back, flipped into the air, honked like a goose, and then landed on her left front hoof.

“A combo?” Mr. Cake asked, his eyes following her movements. “What’s going on this time?”

“Dunno! Never honked before! I bet it has to do with that new human...”

___________________________________

“Well, I think you can camp in Whitetail with no problems-” Mayor Mare had been leading Chuck Norris outside her office to guide him to Golden Oaks Library. She stopped though, seeing Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, with Chuck’s gear laid out on the floor.

“He he he... Sorry?” Rainbow Dash said with a blush. Chuck Norris looked left and right at the ponies invading his personal property and his civil rights.

“I don't initiate violence, I retaliate,” Chuck Norris quoted Chuck Norris. He raised both hands up and cracked his knuckles.

Author's Note

I want some Absolut vodka too, Pinkie.

Ch.4- Look- I Just Want a Chance

Chapter 4

“Rainbow Dash! We can’t just look through some pony’s things without permission!” Twilight frowned, looking at her friend’s face. “Especially since we don’t know what this human is capable of.”

“Well, it’s our job to make sure he’s ok, right? That means we have to check him for weapons,” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Besides, if he left it out in the open, it means he won’t mind that someone looks at it.”

“I...” Twilight begun, her eyebrows picking up a second. Rainbow did have a valid point. At one point or another, they would have to go through his things. And if he was trying to hide something, he would’ve taken his things with him instead of leaving them there. “Fine. But be careful with his things.” One by one, they begun to look through the things. So far:

Iron Skillet

Hammer

Box of Nails

Axe, with a leather wrap over the blade part.

Bed Roll

Sleeping Bag

Blue Tent

Foldable Chair

Some bags with the label “Rations”

First Aid Kit

Gold Rings- 10 of them

Umbrella

Lantern

“So far, none of this looks dangerous. I don't sense any magic in these items. Even the axe looks more like a hatchet,” Twilight Sparkle said. A purple aura moved through the items as she scanned each one.

“Well, I think you can camp in Whitetail with no problems-” Mayor Mare had been leading Chuck Norris outside her office to guide him to Golden Oaks Library. She stopped though, seeing Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, with Chuck’s gear laid out on the floor.

“He he he... sorry?” Rainbow Dash said with a blush. Chuck Norris looked left and right at the ponies invading his personal property and his civil rights.

“I don't initiate violence, I retaliate,” Chuck Norris quoted Chuck Norris. He raised both hands up and cracked his knuckles.

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrows. Oh, this human better not be looking down on her! Did he think cracking some knuckles and saying a kick ass line like that was going to-

“What the...” Twilight managed to blurt out. The pegasus’ mouth fell open as the human reached in and picked up Twilight. Using both arms, he picked up the unicorn and placed upside down on his right shoulder. Her friend’s neck and head were placed on his shoulder, while each one of his arms moved to stretch out Twilight’s front hooves out in front of them both.

“You got three seconds to explain before I kinniku bust your friend into oblivion,” Chuck growled.

“Huh?” Twilight’s eyes moved left to right quickly, wondering why she was upside down in less than two seconds. “Put me down!”

“Mr. Norris! Please! You are holding one of the Elements of Harmony! Don’t hurt her,” Mayor called out. It took her a second to realize what was going on.

“Put my friend down! We were just checking your things to make sure you weren’t dangerous!” Rainbow Dash flew up, moving her face into Chuck Norris’ face and snort hot air into his face.

____________________________________

“Applejack! Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie yelled out, running behind her friends.

“Simmer down Pinkie Pie. What’s wrong?” Applejack asked. Both friends were heading towards City Hall, the only clue they had as to where the human was going.

“I dunno- My Pinkie Sense went off! I think it has to do with the human!” Pinkie Pie frowned, looking around. “I couldn’t find Rainbow or Twilight to warn them!”

“Oh, my...” Fluttershy lowered her head a bit. A human that was so bad that it made Pinkie’s sense go off? It sounded so dangerous.

“Well, We’re just-” Applejack stopped talking, turning her head to look over as the main doors of City Hall were kicked open by a human shoe. “What in tarnation?”

Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all opened their mouths as the human walked out of the building. Twilight and Rainbow Dash were on each of his shoulders, upside down as he held each one by their necks.

“Twilight!” Yelled out Pinkie Pie.

“Rainbow Dash!” Called out Fluttershy, her voice not as loud.

“Come on! We gotta-” Applejack once more found herself interrupted as Mayor Mare and Time Turner rushed out behind Chuck Norris.

“Please! Mr. Norris! You need to calm down! Don’t do this!” The Mayor called out, her eyes closed in concern a bit. “We can put them in jail for violating your rights!”

“Please, listen to the Mayor!” Turner called out. He stopped a moment, spotting the other Elements of Harmony. “Please, stop him!”

“What’s is that human going to do?!” Pinkie Pie called out as they all rushed over to the stallion.

“Please! We’re sorry! I beg you to stop!”

This time, it was Pinkie Pie who’s mouth fell open in shock. That had been Rainbow Dash beging.

“No,” Chuck Norris stated.

“He’s going to take Twilight and Rainbow to make them talk with their parents!” Turner exclaimed.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Come again?” Applejack asked.

“Not my parents! They’re so going to be so disappointed in me!” Twilight flailed her legs out, her eyes shut as she panicked.

“My folks are going to kill me!” Rainbow Dash called out.

“Seriously?” Applejack shut her eyes a bit. Fluttershy blinked twice, not sure what to think.

“Er, why are you so worried then Mr. Turner?” Pinkie Pie raised her left eyebrow. For all of her friend’s struggling, the human seemed unfazed.

“It took me by surprise when we heard what Chuck Norris was going to do,” Turner explained, his eyes opened wide. “When we realized that parents could be worse than police, to be humiliated like little foals, and who parade around like criminals like that...” The stallion blushed a bit. “I mean, I would be so embarrassed if a stranger was going to carry me to my folks and tell them I was being a foal.”

“Uh...” Applejack turned to look at her friends. Pinkie Pie blinked twice. Actually, it made sense to the party pony. Her parents were some of the few ponies that could actually handle her. Fluttershy blushed a bit, wondering what her parents would think if a human just carried her into their home like that. “Ah guess... That’s bad?” Applejack said. Though, the disappointed looks on Big Mac’s and Granny Smith’s face when she acted like a foal was pretty hard on her.

“Please Mr. Norris! We can all be adults about this!” Mayor Mare called out. “They said they’re sorry!” Chuck finally stopped, turning to look down at the mare with glasses.

“Truly?” He turned to look at the ponies on his shoulders. “You mean it?”

“Yes! Please! I promise not to do it again!” Twilight screamed out into his ear.

“Shout in my ear again. I dare you,” Chuck spoke in a low voice, the frown still on his face. Both Twilight and Rainbow immediately froze in place, gulping. “That’s better. You promise?”

“We Pinkie swear...” Rainbow said in a low voice, moving a hoof to her left eye. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Sorry about the shouting,” Twilight said with a blush. Maybe it was just all the blood going into her head. Rainbow was unaffected, often she had flown upside down. Chuck nodded, lowering himself to his right knee and setting the ponies on the ground. Mayor released a sigh, glad that was over. Then again, this was the most ironic and bizarre thing she had ever seen a human deal with a pony. Least, and adult pony.

“My parents would’ve thrown such a fit,” Rainbow said, releasing a sigh as she stood on the ground. That human was strong, possibly one of the strongest humans she’s been with. She picked up her head and moved a wing out to help steady her unicorn friend. “Give it a second.” She picked up her head, seeing the rest of her friends rush in join them. Seeing the other ponies join in, Chuck frowned a bit but stood up.

“Who are you all?” Chuck asked.

“Like I was saying before Mr. Norris. These are the Elements of Harmony...” Mayor Mare cleared her throat to talk.

“Ah. Let me guess. The adorable shy one,” Chuck smiled down at Rainbow Dash. He moved a hand to pet her technicolor mane. “My friend was right. You only get loud when your friends are in trouble. You are the cute one, Fluttershy.”

“Hey! Wait a...” Rainbow stopped her train of thought. Adorable? Her? Shy?

“You must be the party animal,” Chuck then turned to look at Twilight. “Seriously, you are so random.” Twilight snapped out of her blood loss, only to open her mouth at his implication.

“Excuse me... But I’m Fluttershy,” the yellow pegasus tried to say.

“Oh! You must be Applejack!” Chuck shut his eyes and smiled. He moved his other hand to pet her mane. “So polite and strong. But my friend was wrong. You don’t look like a fuck toy.”

Fluttershy’s eyes opened wide. She fell on her back, making a goat fainting noise.

“You are such a meanie!” Pinkie Pie finally called out. “What makes you-”

“Rarity?” Chuck Norris called out. He brought back his hands from the mares to stare at Pinkie Pie. “Damn. My friend was right. You are a real classy lady. Sophisticated and regal...”

“What?” Pinkie Pie picked up her left eyebrow. “You think I’m Rari-” She stopped herself, seeing Chuck move in. He got down on his left knee, moving both arms out to take her left hoof and place a kiss on it.

“My friend was wrong. You are the most beautiful out of the mares,” Chuck whispered in a low voice. “Pink is such a handsome color on you.”

“Uh...” Applejack moved her hooves to the side of her head, trying to clear the fuzz building in there. Pinkie Pie’s regular senses took a second to kick in as she forced back a giggle, a blush forming on her cheeks.

“Thanks, I think, but-”

“Shh...” Chuck moved a finger to her mouth, placing a single lip on her lips. “I’m sorry for treating your friends so roughly. But they did something wrong, so I wanted to talk with their parents. Can’t you forgive me?”

“I guess I do?” Pinkie said, lifting her head a bit to stare into his eyes. This human was a lot more dignified than she thought. She doubted she could scare this man, even if she tried. His hands were still holding onto her hoof.

Chuck smiled at her, eyes closed a little. “You got this delightful little twinkle in your eye. I want to stare into them all day.” Pinkie smiled, her eyes closed. Well, she could let it go since the human was being so nice.

“What’s going on?”

The new voice made them all turn their heads to look over at Rarity.

“Oh sweet lord, it’s Applejack. My friend warned me about you,” Chuck said, moving his hands from Pinkie Pie as he addressed Rarity.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s liberals like you that make republicans look bad. Stephen Colbert warned me to stay away from you. You and your rustic work ethic. It’s people like you that refuse to give jobs to decent folks that my country’s economy fails. Thanks Obama.”

Author's Note

Yes, the friend Chuck Norris was talking about is Stephen Colbert. Chuck is also bad with names.

Ch.5- Look, I Just Want an Explanation

Look, I Just Want an Explanation

“Mr. Norris, you have them all confused,” Mayor Mare spoke out. The human blinked twice, turning to look down at the bespectacled mare. Eyebrows raised, he turned to look back at the so called ‘Elements of Harmony.’

“Aw come on, he doesn’t even know my name!” Rainbow Dash said, hovering up a bit over her friends.

“Rest assured, I'm no party animal. My name is Twilight Sparkle,” The purple unicorn introduced herself.

“And ya got not one, but two ponies confused with mah name,” Applejack frowned. “I’m the ‘liberal’ and hard working Applejack.” Norris immediately took a few steps back from her.

“Fluttershy is still passed out,” Pinkie Pie called out. “Oh, I’m not Rarity! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“You don’t say,” Norris replied, eyebrows raised. Still, it was easy to see why her parents named her that. Still liked her more than the others though.

“And my name is Rarity.” The alabaster unicorn smiled a bit, trying to retain what little dignity she had left. To have Pinkie Pie with her name? The worst mistake ever!

“Forgive me, I know some of the info. I’m also terrible with names,” Chuck replied. He turned to look at the passed out Fluttershy. “Why is she still out?”

“Mr. Norris, may I recommend we go back inside City Hall? We can talk there like civilized creatures,” Mayor Mare interjected with her suggestion. “Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash can start by putting your things back in place.” She turned to look back at the culprits. Each of them had the decency to blush and look away.

“I guess you’re right...” Chuck replied. He moved over to pick up Fluttershy. She was stiff like a board, still out. He waved her up and down a bit. “If calling her a fuck toy did this, I’m not sure what other things mentioned about her will do.”

“Don’t get us started,” Rarity said, shaking her head to the sides.

______________________________

Once inside City Hall, they all gathered in the pavillion since it had room for them all. They of course waited for Fluttershy to wake up, and for Twilight and Rainbow to put things back in place. Now, it was time for the actual interview. Since all of her friends were here, they decided to split up and ask their own questions. It would really help out cut the fat and get it out of the way.

“Alright, Mr. Norris. Thank you for accepting our apologies,” Twilight said, smiling at him. Chuck Norris was standing up in the middle of the podium, looking down at them. He simply leaned forward, resting his arms on the device, looking bored.

“Let’s git ‘er done.”

“Very well?” Twilight raised her eyebrows, but then shrugged. “First, we know you have no powers or things you consider weapons. But do you know combat?”

“Well, I’ve been in a few brawls, especially in my younger hay days. I can use my fists and feet well enough, kinda self-taught. Mostly modeled after karate, Tang Soo-Do, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu called ‘Chun Kuk Do. But as I got older, people learned not to mess with me,” Chuck shrugged his shoulders. “You already know I retaliate though.”

“Right,” Rainbow rolled her eyes. She still couldn’t believe she had allowed herself to get grabbed like a little filly. “Any family or kids? Most humans that show up have abusive or dead parents.”

“My parents? Family? If it’s alright with you, I’d rather not talk about them until we are on more familiar terms.” He stopped there for a second, lifting his left hand to point at the cyan pegasus. “Rainbow Dash, right? I can tell you it’s not a perfect family, but nothing as drastic as making me to want to run away or call abusive.” Rainbow nodded, satisfied with the answer.

“You’re here for work, right? Mind telling us about your past work?” Applejack picked up her head next.

“Oh, well I’ve done a bunch of things...” Chuck moved a hand to his chin, stroking his beard. “Shoot, where did I start. Acting, fitness and combat instructor, political activist, honorary Marine and Texas Ranger, though I did serve in the air force. Uh... spokesperson, journalist, author-”

“Let me stop you there and move on,” Rarity spoke out. That was indeed a long list. How old was he anyway? And those certainly did not sound like dead end jobs. “You’ve made yourself clear that you’re not seeking a romantic interest in ponies. Is this because you’re a bigot? Or consider us animals and it’s a fetish?”

“Oh, nothing like that,” Chuck replied, immediately leaning his head back from Rarity. Still, it was an honest question. One didn’t move to Equestria and not get along with ponies in some manner. “Lady Rarity, I’m simply not interested in relationships now. Also, I’m a religious man. Let’s say, I know nothing about your own faith and religion. My friend wasn’t too informative on that subject, so I will just have to wait and see first how even relationships work in this place.” Rarity nodded, one of the more sensible reasons she’s heard. Too many times there was culture clash.

Especially in Rainbow’s case.

“Mr. Norris?” Fluttershy picked up her head. “Can you tell us about your-”

“Let me stop you there Wondershy,” Chuck moved his left hand out to her. “A little louder?”

“Oh, sorry, it’s Fluttershy. Can you tell us-”

“One more time Buttershy.” Chuck leaned forward a bit more.

“Fluttershy, Mr Norris,” She said, moving closer to him. “Can you tell us-”

“Animals are divided by habitats, all divided by region and climate. Many scientists believe that all of the landmass of my planet was connected at one point. As ages passed by, the landmass begun to divide and spread. Changes of climate such as drastic ice ages, volcanoes, and other anomalies spread animals into further sub species to adapt to the changes.” Chuck stopped there, moving his hands to hold the side of the podium. “Most humans do not study or help animals, thus they move south on the winter on their own and take care of themselves. Several species of animals have also evolved from their past states, dividing them into further species. According to evolution theories, birds were thought to have evolved from reptiles. Because of this, each specie and genus of animal types are studied by individual branches of sciences and zoologists in order to study them better.”

Fluttershy had her mouth open, looking up at him in shock. The other mares also stared at him in shock.

“What?” Chuck asked.

“That’s the first time a human’s actually given us a clear answer that explains a lot about why animals act different in your planet,” Twilight Sparkle explained. “There was these zoologists, but you explained it simply so we could all understand.”

“It’s kinda like common knowledge in most schools,” Chuck frowned. “What do they teach in our schools? Not to bully others? Thanks Obama.” Once more, the human turned his head to the side and spit. “Next.”

“Let me ask Mr. Norris,” Mayor Mare stepped up next. Anything to get Chuck Norris from getting in a worse mood. “What kind of jobs would you like to have?”

“Hm... I suppose something nice. Police officer may be good. That or something that let’s me have a desk made from Mahogany.”

“Well, you do sound qualified for something in law-”

“Mahogany...” Chuck repeated, smiling.

“I see. Any amnesia? Or things that would cause you to have problems working? Like let’s say- Old Enemies?” Time Turner took a turn. Surely this human has made enemies with his colorful background.

“Enemies? I made this one guy, but he died... As of now though, not any I consider an enemy.” Chuck replied. “Think his name was Bruce.”

“Not even rivals or someone that would chase you here?” Turner followed up.

“I don’t have people I consider rival. No man can be my equal.” Chuck said with a shrug.

“I guess I’m next! Do you like parties?!” Pinkie Pie jumped up from her spot to grin.

“I once threw a party, but it didn’t land until three days later...” Chuck replied. Pinkie Pie closed her eyes a little, looking left and right at that answer.

“Well, I suppose you are safe enough to stay in Equestria,” Twilight raised an eyebrow, wondering what to do with this info.

“Gee, thanks,” Chuck replied, eyes narrowed a bit at the unicorn. “Mind if I ask a question now? Why are the Elements of Harmony important?”

“The Elements of Harmony?!” Rarity raised up her head. “Didn’t your friend tell you why?”

“He did say why, but I always wondered...” Chuck moved away from the podium to hunch down and look at them. “Have you gotten medals? Schools named after you? A book or movie?”

“There was that time Ah got a trophy...” Applejack replied. “But not ‘cause Ah was an element, just ‘cause Ah was a rodeo queen.”

“I’ve been in magazines and so has Fluttershy,” Rarity said. “But because I’m a fashionista and Fluttershy was a model.”

“We’ve received some recognition,” Twilight stood up for the others. “Why ask us this though?”

“Well,” Chuck Norris moved to sit down at the edge of the stage now. “If you guys are so important and all that...” The human moved to rest his hands on his knees. “Why are you all here? Why not get financial recognition? Why not move to places where your talents are more needed? Why not further your studies? I mean- what’s keeping Fluttermine from getting a formal degree to be a veterinarian?” Chuck turned to look at Pinkie Pie. “Why are you guys wasting your time with me instead of being more important roles to your country or land?”

Rainbow Dash bit her lower lip, moving her left hoof to the back of her mane. She made it to the Wonderbolts, but didn’t make the cut. Fluttershy raised her eyebrows, wondering why she couldn’t become a veterinarian. Rarity released a sigh, remembering when she tried to make herself a socialite in Canterlot. Twilight released a sigh, knowing one day her studies would end and she would move out of Ponyville. Applejack said nothing, as she had set her career for life. One look at her friends though, and she could tell they all wanted more out of their lives.

“I’m not trying to bum you all out. I’m just wondering why we’re all doing this for little ‘ole me,” Chuck said, crossing his arms on his chest. Time Turner and Mayor Mare looked at each other, wondering the same. Was being an Element of Harmony worth anything?

“Well, uh...” Twilight lowered her head, turning her head to look back at her friends. “We’ll have to get back to you on that.”

“You do that. Are we done?” Chuck asked, moving to hop off the stage.

“I suppose so...” Mayor Mare said, releasing a sigh. Chuck Norris had asked a very deep and possibly life changing question. “You can go and set camp in ‘Whitetail. We can see about finding you a job tomorrow...” She spoke.

____________________________________

Time Turner lead Chuck Norris towards the woods, the others not much in the mood to party or find out about the new human in Equestria. They stayed quiet, until they reached the border. They managed to reach the area before late afternoon.

“Here you go Chuck. Anything I can do for you before I go?” Time Turner asked.

“Can you get me provocative pictures of Princess Luna?”

“Oh, tons,” Turner rolled his eyes. “So much for not having a crush on a pony huh?”

“Crush? Silly pony. I want to make her the next Mrs. Chuck Norris.”

Author's Note

Luna is best pony.

Most of the time.

Ch.6 Look, All I Want is Peace

Ch.6 Look, All I Want is Peace

Look, All I Want is Peace

Chuck Norris had his head pointed up, looking at the sky. The tent was pitched, a fire was going, and he was left alone. The sun had set, leaving Luna’s moon up to decorate the sky along with stars. The light from the flames danced backed and forth, illuminating his face every few seconds. Tomorrow, he could get his job, learn about relationships, and then build his reputation up before he could find Princess Luna.

But, he would not sleep this night. Merely wait it out.

________________________________

Morning arrived in Ponyville, and once more all was right in Equestria. Save for the minds of several residents. Applejack slowly walked down the stairs to the breakfast table, her eyes a bit swollen from the lack of sleep. Still, she was in a better condition, especially if you compared it to the last time she didn’t get sleep.

“Sis? What’s wrong?” Applebloom picked up her head from the table. The filly moved her hooves up to adjust her bow. “Don't tell me you spent night playing hop up and down on the bed with a human guy again...”

“Bouncing up and down?” Applejack turned her head, waking up a bit more to look at her sister.

“Yeah, ah lot of times when ya bring a human over- ya both bounce up and down on a bed. And often you play so hard you moan a lot...”

“Don’t look at me,” Big Mac said, eyes closed halfway. “Ah’m not giving ‘er the talk.”

“No Applebloom, it wasn't a human,” Applejack frowned, turning to give her brother a scowl. “Just something Chuck Norris said that got me-”

“Chuck Norris? Who’s that?” Applebloom blinked twice, tilting her head to the side.

“Newest human in Equestria. Yer not allowed near him, ya hear me?” Applejack turned to stare Applebloom down. “He’s a normal human, one that isn’t like them weirdos that show up. If Ah find out you and the crusaders got him angry, Ah’m gonna tan yer hide.”

“But why is that?”

“Cause he’ll bring you her himself, and tell us all that ‘ya need to be raised better. And Ah’m not havin’ that.” Applejack released a sigh. She was lucky enough that not every pony in Ponyville wanted to bring in her sis every time a crusade blew up in their face.

“Uh... ok?” Applebloom raised her eyebrows. “But why couldn’t ya sleep?”

“It’s mah friends. He said something to them, and it makes me wonder what they want to do.”

___________________________________

Fluttershy raised her head from under her green bed sheets. Her eyes opened slowly, not getting a lot of sleep. When she got home, her mind was full of questions. Was being a caretaker good enough? Why not a vet? That way she could get the peers she always wanted. She could get real recognition and even respect from a community of peers. But that meant she would have to leave her friends and Ponyville...

The pegasus released a sigh and walked out of the bed, her mane dragging her sheet behind her as she headed to the bathroom. Thoughts continued to plague her. Could she even handle a real college? She could hardly even handle flight school. But her own friends had accomplishments under their belts. Applejack was famous among rodeos and Appleloosa. Rarity in fashion circles, Twilight in scholar ones. That left only Pinkie and her. And even then the phrase “Infamous Pinkie’s Parties” was renowned. Was being a temporary one shot wonder model good enough for her? But then she would be famous for modeling, not her kindness or her passion for animals.

Then that other thought plagues her mind. She moved her hoof out to get a toothbrush as Chuck Norris’ words popped into his head. “F*** Toy,” is what he called her. The mere thought of it made her blush and stop pause from brushing properly. Was that all she was to a lot of humans?

Maybe... maybe she should become a vet. Get a degree and have something to show the world she was more than a toy.

And maybe, just maybe, make Chuck Norris her’s and make him eat his words.

________________________________

Rarity moaned a bit, moving out of the bathroom. It had taken her a few hours to make herself look presentable. But the lack of sleep was getting to her. She really did need her beauty sleep to function properly. Just taking off the night mascara took a while. Memories of her in Canterlot were getting to her. While not one of her finest moments, she did get a lot of recognition. But- where had that gotten her?

She stopped in front of her mane mirror to stare at herself. Sure, the unicorm had been called to be a wedding dress designer for a princess and also invitations from a party or two... But- She stopped thinking a moment to sit down on a stool and start combing her mane. Not one student, not one aspiring dressmaker, not one fashion student or journalist took an interest in her. Even her own sister was terrible at cooking and dress making. She had always wanted to be a mentor, and a worker or two to help with dresses would be so wonderful. Rarity shut both eyes, thinking about her own experiences. All she had learned was self taught from books and magazines, her parents were not the social types that thought nurturing her in a private school for fashionistas-

Her eyes opened a second. Why... why did only large cities have fashion schools? She was an element of Generosity! She’s saved Equestria! Her works have been published! Why couldn’t she open a school here in Ponyville? Her troubled faced switched to a smile as the thought started to bloom in her head. Hoity Toity and Fancy Pants had connections, and they loved her works! A few words from them and Princess Celestia could have her set. She would have to attend a few teaching classes first, but that would only make the Rarity School for Aspiring Fashionistas even better!

Oh, she would have to thank Chuck Norris for the incentive! She wouldn’t have to leave her friends or her home, just make the school here! She shut her eyes and hurried brushing her mane. She would just have to invite Mr. Norris for dinner and thank him properly...

__________________________________

Rainbow Dash moved a hoof up, making the raincloud over her stop- well raining on her. Nothing like a cold shower to wake her up. While not exactly troubled by Chuck Norris’ words, she had things that made her second guess herself. She made it to the Wonderbolts, and lost her chance. Not her fault, and she was welcomed to come back next year. Time to get dry... She walked out of her cloud home and started to fly and let the air dry her coat and mane.

What could she do to improve herself though till then? She entered all the competitions, and training on her own had earned her perfection. But what else was there to do? Even Spitfire admitted she was at her peak, and only the Wonderbolts could take her to the next level. The way Chuck Norris talked about being an Element also bothered her. What had it earned her? It didn’t even get her into the team. True, it wouldn’t be fair to the others, but you think it could get her something in return.

… She lived in a cloud, for Celestia’s sake.

Maybe Twilight could shed some light on things... No wait- better yet, that was a bad idea. Her friends were wonderful and very supportive. But none of them were acrobats or fliers like her. As far as they were concerned- she was the best! What could they offer her that she didn’t already know? Maybe she should ask somepony else, get a new perspective.

Maybe Chucky. He was a normal human, ‘least from what she was used to. To top it off, he was reasonable and smart in a way she could relate too. Not an egghead, but somepony that clearly had experience and training. He was commanding, grabbing hold of her and Twilight like that. He could’ve easily done something more awesome instead of tattling to their parents. Still, there was something about him. Maybe she hadn’t gotten the thought that she called dibs out of her head.

But that’s how it always starts, isn't it? She moved through the clouds, heading to work. Even with her mind so occupied, she could make the flight in her sleep. Memories of her past “Bromances” never started as a crush. They would be friends, and it would eventually evolved into something more. But- would this Chuck Norris be the same too? For once, she would like to see somepony mature take the lead.

“Mrs. Rainbow Norris...” she idly whispered against the wind.

_________________________________

Pinkie Pie moved to the front counter of the register inside Sugarcube Corner. She slept the best night in a while! Her bed was nice and comfy, and the way Gummy kept shivering all night next to her made it very massaging. She had no idea what was making Gummy so nervous.

Inside Gummy’s mind?

That poor alligator was going to become luggage, he just knew it.

“Maybe I should show Gummy to Chuck-”

Crash!

Fun fact, kids- Alligators can run between 20-35 mph in short bursts. Even more when motivated. Gummy took off, breaking through solid wood.

“Come back Gummy! Momma’s going to get you a new Daddy!”

_____________________________________

Chuck picked up his head, eyes narrowed. Something was wrong.

Fun fact, kids- There are not two, but three sides to the force. The Light, The Dark, and the Chuck Norris side.

“Something’s... wrong.” Chuck said to himself.

______________________________________

Over in Everfree, a few men started to walk out of the forest. They all stood with conviction, determination, and dressed to take down an army. They all wore comando fatigues, but had no weapons on them. For what weapon could hurt their father?

Eric, Dakota, and Mike Norris were here to bring their dad back home.

Author's Note

Author’s note: Maybe it really is Chuck Norris...

Ch.7 Look, All I-

Look, All I-

“Twilight?” Spike peeked his head out of the kitchen. “Breakfast is ready!” At the dragon’s beckon, the purple unicorn picked up her head from her desk. Darn it! She’d done it again! Sleeping on her books over her research. This time? She was looking back at records of humans in Equestria. Very few of them actually had... Worth.

She cringed to herself, releasing a sigh. The words from yesterday had gotten her thinking. What would become of her friends if they stayed the same? Would it be that bad? But, they weren't moving on themselves. Especially her. She moved down the stairs to head into the kitchen, the smell the haystacks and give Spike a small smile.

“Did you fall in love yet?” Spike asked, moving to cross his small arms on his chest. He had his left eyebrow raised, as if expecting her to say no.

“I dunno...” Twilight admitted, letting her head hang down a bit. The one thing she did realize from her studies? She had not studied male friendship. Sure, she had seen it between other stallions, humans, and between siblings- but nothing conrete or platonic. Chuck had been the only human she could remember that cared they were all supposed to be role models to Equestria. And what were they doing?

Bucking apples, making dresses, caring for animals, doing stunts, working in a bakery, and in her case? Head tucked away in books. Not that there was anything wrong with that, they were all doing what they wanted to do. But, was that really the best for Equestria? Spike raised an eyebrow, not sure what was going through her head.

“What do ya mean?” Spike asked. Twilight released a sigh and moved over to start chewing on her food. After taking a swallow, she turned to look at her assistant.

“Love hits us all in a strange way. Butterflies in the stomach, floating on clouds, and any other number of things.” Twilight moved to grab a napkin with her horn and start wiping crumbs from her mouth. “But... I don’t feel that way towards Chuck. Often, it builds to love. But with him, it’s not wonderment, excitement, nervous, or even elated. I feel... that I simply want to learn more about him first.”

“Ok?” Spike asked, unsure of where this was going.

“Spike, almost all the other humans that show up have a common element that links them. It can be their intellect, their emotions, their state of being, or their drive... But this Chuck Norris is the first human to stand out in so many ways.” She stopped there to look at her food again. “I don’t want to worship him, but I don’t want to forget about him. It’s like I just want to be a witness, and see what he does next.” A small smile passed on her lips. “I-”

“Stop yourself. You sound like the school filly that has a crush on her teacher,” Spike replied, a bit bored. Then again, this was the first time he’s seen her like this.

“Oh Spike, it’s not like I’m hoping Chuck will lift me in his arms and-”

“What are you doing with your fork?” Spike asked, lifting his left claw to point at her plate. Twilight was using her aura to move her food. The weird part? She never used a fork to eat! Most horses don’t use utensils. Twilight stopped herself, looking down at her food.

Somehow, the image of Chuck Norris was in her haystacks.

“Just... how did I do that?”

___________________________________

Chuck had his eyes narrowed for a bit, wondering what exactly was wrong. He couldn’t put his finger on it just yet. He was still way too new to this land to just guess. All he had was this feeling building on the back of his neck. Still, he decided to prepare.

___________________________________

“Sweetie Belle, now promise you won’t go and bother Mr. Norris, alright?” Rarity said. She was helping her beloved sister to get ready for school by brushing her mane.

“Why not?”

“A lady wishes to make a proper introduction first to her family. Introducing yourself as a “Crusader,” She stopped herself, looking down at her sister’s eyes with a smile. “-is a bit strange. He doesn’t know what a Cutie Mark is, nor the reason why it’s so important. I want to be able to help Mr. Norris understand things.”

“Ah!” Sweetie Belle closed her eyes. “You want to date him!”

“No no no Sweetie,” Rarity released a chuckle. “He’s not interested in mares.”

“Oh. Does he like stallions?”

“I...” Rarity stopped herself, wondering for a moment. Now that she thought about it, Chuck Norris never mentioned his preference. Even better reason to ask him out to dinner! “In any case, do wait a few days before you talk to him with your friends, alright? I just want to make sure he knows how to act around a lady...”

“Oh, ok.” Sweetie opened her eyes and nodded. “Do you want me to sleep over at a friend’s house so you can date him tonight?” Rarity released a sigh.

“Please do.”

__________________________________

“Gotta work faster,” Rainbow Dash mumbled to herself. For once, rain was scheduled for Ponyville. Nothing serious, just some nice drizzle to water the grass and trees. But because it was a small rain, sometimes it was hard to gauge right. Storms? Big black clouds. Lots of rain? Lots of big gray clouds. A drizzle? You actually had to either start from a small cloud, or take away from a larger one. It was also important to spread the clouds so they didn’t join up and form a big one.

She had to work fast though. Fluttershy had a way of making human guys flock to her without even trying, and Applejack had that rustic charm. And Twilight? Heck, she guessed that being smart was sexy to some guys. She had to get to him first before she had no chance.

The rain cloud started to get smaller as she carefully kicked parts out. Good, she would be finished soon. And she needed every chance she could get, especially since Chucky already said he would have to look up love. That meant Rarity or Twilight. And she was not going to give up without a fight.

____________________________________

Applejack bucked a tree, smiling as the morning chores were getting her mind off things.

Buck kick.

Buck.

Chuck.

Buck Chuck.

She stopped herself, suddenly getting a scary realization in her mind. Please, not again! He wasn’t even interested in mares! He just wanted to work! A good, honest, hard working fella that wanted to earn his bits! One that just gave it all up for a chance at earning his bits! One that had a stable family relationship! One that liked mahogany, a perfectly fine tree!.

“Hey now,” Applejack mused to herself. “That don’t sound so bad at all... Hey Big Mac! Ah’m-a heading into town!”

____________________________________

Chuck Norris walked into town, looking around again to make sure he remembered where shops and places he could find work would be at. He was making his way to City Hall when he felt that feeling in the back of his neck again.

“Ah! Chuck Norris! So nice to see you in the morning!” Rarity called out. Chuck looked left and right immediately. She was way too chipper, especially since it was so early in the morning...

“Good mornin’ to you, lady Rarity...”

“I was wondering if you would be so-”

“HEY CHUCKY!”

They both stopped, turning their heads to look skyward. It was the rainbow pegasus... Hulkcry! That’s right.

“Rainbow Dash?” Rarity raised her eyebrows in question. Chuck really had to get some paper and a pencil to draw these faces to a name. Rainbow Dash flew down to them, a large smile on her face.

“Hey Chucky. Oh hey Rarity. Say Chucky, do you wanna get some coffee before-”

“Excuse me Rainbow Dash, but we were in a conversation...” Rarity harrumphed. “I was going to ask Mr. Norris to dinner.”

“What? Why?” Rainbow raised her left eyebrow, wondering if her friend was interested in her guy. Rarity never went for outdoorsy types!

Chuck was still wondering how he felt about the name ‘Chucky.’

“Rainbow Dash? Rarity?” Fluttershy said as she walked over to the group.

“Chickenshy?” Chuck asked.

“Ah no, it’s Fluttershy,” the pegasus tried to correct him. Oh! She was so frustrated she could kick out at something. She was going to make him remember her name! “I was wondering if your not too busy, could you help me with shopping, maybe?”

“I called dibs on him!”

“How uncouth! You have to romance a stallion properly before you-”

“Oh, was I interrupting? I’m sorry.”

Chuck suddenly narrowed his eyes. He knew what was going now. Time to leave these crazy mares and get to City Hall before-

“Mornin’ Mistah Norris! Ya want a job at Sweet Apple Acres?” Applejack walked in front of his vision as he turned around.

Damnit.

“Applejack? You got the last human!”

“I agree with our friend. You must given another mare a chance.”

“Um, I could use some help with my bags...”

“What are you all doing here?” Applejack turned to look at her friends. “Can’t ya see he wants to get his job?”

Chuck Norris was not having this. Even with coffee. This was not the attention he wanted if he wanted to woo his wittle Woona. He shut his eyes as the Elements started to converge on each other. He could just roundhouse kick them all into space, better yet, into the past- but he could not afford to get the heat on him just yet. He slowly took a few steps away from them and turned to look back at City Hall.

And Twilight Sprinkles and ‘Mayor were outside waiting for him.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

“Mr Norris! Good morning!” The Mayor said with a smile. “I was just telling Ms. Sparkle now that your residency was established, her services are no longer needed.”

“Like I was telling our Mayor, I needed to do a few follow-up questions,” Twilight announced. Both mares now looked at each other, narrowing their eyes.

“But Miss Sparkle! His job was already picked! Surely you can give him some space?” Mare moved her face closer to the unicorn’s.

“Already? We agreed to give him a job assessment in the library first!” Twilight moved to butt heads with the earth pony.

“He is going to work in City Hall as my assistant! I do need one temporarily until my secretary returns!” Mare raised her head, pushing into Twilight now.

“And I say that for the Good of Equestria-”

“Who are you?”

They all stopped their arguing, turning to look at a new voice talking.

Mike Norris, the eldest Norris child, pointed at Chuck Norris.

“Huh? I’m....”

“Take off your mask!” Dakota shouted, eyes narrowed. The youngest Norris brother frowned. They had all just finished their brisk job through Everfree and headed to the place with the most people. Which had been around our hero.

“Mask?” Mayor Mare picked up her head.

“Who are you? Take off our dad’s face, imposter!” Eric called out. Twilight frowned, immediately narrowing her eyes. So something was up with this human! She used her magic to place it to remove the fake Norris mask.

“It’s-”

“I can’t believe it!”

“Not possibru!”

“Oh my...”

“Holy Celestia!”

“How can this be?!”

“Who are you again?”

Phoenix Wright jumped out, lifting his left hand out to point his most powerful finger out accusingly.

“Charlie Sheen!”

“I’m winning.”

Author's Note

Actually, I think his name is Charlie Estevez now...

Ch.9 Look, All I Want is an Ending

All I Want is an Ending

Chuck Norris hummed a low tune to himself, his head looking out the window of the train cabin. The martial artist rested both hands over his knees, in a seemingly good mood. He had no idea why, but the idea of a train being pulled by horses pleased him. According to Princess Celestia, Appleloosa would be the perfect place for him. The images of brown earth and the blue sky as he moved past in a rapid pace seemed to send his thoughts to a flashback.

________________________________

“Princess Celestia,” Chuck released a sigh. He moved both arms to cross on his chest.

“You know her?” Twilight raised his eyebrows. The other mares stopped arguing and turned to look as the human moved to sit down on a waiting bench on the main hallway. He nodded as a response. “How is it that you know of her, but not of Equestria?”

“Someone had to teach her a few things. She came to me learn an ancient art,” Chuck turned to look at the purple unicorn. “But you guys wouldn’t get it.”

“Get what?” Rainbow asked, moving to join her friends to sit at Norris’ feet.

“How do you call it...” Chuck looked down at the large eyes of all the ponies. Did they have the internet? Or computers? “Pranking, but without the use of physical means. Kinda like using words and images.”

“Like puns?” Pinkie Pie grinned. Chuck narrowed his eyes, staring down Pinkie. The earth pony slowly felt herself lowering her head, her body joining her as she felt so small in front of him. Chuck relented on his gaze before he made them all orgasm. The shame though, would probably make Lustshy pass out.

“Why do you think Princess Celestia is coming though?” Mayor Mare picked up her head, turning to look at her city residents. “Just because Chuck is a human unlike any other seems a bit odd...”

“You know, she didn’t say,” Twilight said as she raised her eyebrows.

“Well, I think my kids are-”

“In the name of Equestria! Spare us!”

“What the?” The voice shouting outside made them all pick up their heads. “Was that the Princess?” Twilight quickly picked herself to stand up and run to the doors. Chuck released a sigh and stood up, following behind the ponies. So much for building a reputation...

“Twilight Sparkle!” Princess Celestia released a sigh and lowered her head in relief. She stepped out of her chariot, the pegasi laying flat on the ground. “Please tell me none-” The Princess stopped talking, turning to look over at Chuck as he follwed outside. “Spare us, great Norris. I know my ponies can be-”

“Stop groveling,” Chuck narrowed his eyes and raised his left hand up to wave side to side. “If I wanted to do something, I would’ve by now.”

“Forgive me Chuck,” Princess Celestia bowed her head in greetings. “All of you, bow your heads in respect.”

The ponies turned to look at each other, eyebrows raised. There was a few mumbles, but they all bowed in respect to the Princess, and then to Chuck.

“Uh... Why are we doing this?” Rainbow dared to pick up her head and look back at Chuck.

“Don't ask me,” Chuck said with a shrug.

“Please, do not irk his wrath. The day I feared has come. Chuck Norris has arrived in Equestria.” The celestial mane alicorn picked up her head once more. “Has he not told you of his power? His legs are Law and Order. There is only another fist under his beard. His tears can cure any disease, but he does not cry. A snake once bit him, and after 3 days of agonizing pain and feverish dreams, the snake finally died...” She moved to stand in front of Chuck.

As their princess spoke, the mares started to rise and look at each other. Eyebrows were raised, mouths were open, and the sound of “huhs?” started to pass through them.

“Is that how he can throw a party?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“You know, now that I noticed... Chuck has no shadow,” Fluttershy lowered her head to look at his feet. Is that why she wasn’t so scared of him?

“If any if my ponies caused offense, I beg you to forgive them,” Celestia pleaded, her eyes filled with worry.

“Stop that...” Chuck grimaced.

“But Chucky... You said you didn’t have powers,” Rainbow flew up, moving her face to look at Chuck’s eyes.

“Would you call the power to move clouds of fly a special power? No, it is natural. The powers of Chuck are the same. To him, all he does-”

“I’m gonna stop you there Princess,” Chuck relaxed his grimace and rolled his eyes. “Just came here for a job.”

“What?” The alicorn raised her eyebrow.

“It’s true Princess. Chuck just came to obtained employment,” Mayor Mare raised herself to stand next to her ruler.

“Look, if this is how things are going to be, I can go find work in another-”

“NO!”

Chuck narrowed his eyes, as almost all of the ponies responded at once. With no reason to hold back anymore, Chuck turned to look at the Reader. He nodded.

“Press any button.”

"Don't make wait."

Chuck performed a standing roundhouse kick, even if you hadn’t pressed a button. Standing on his left leg, his right leg shot out to swing. He didn’t bother to connect, the sheer force wind sent them all to the Crystal Kingdom. Our hero then moved inside City Hall. He took the mahogany desk and picked it up to leave Ponyville and head back to his camping grounds.

A few hours later, a letter arrived via Derpy. The mail pony smiled, for once not crashing into anything. The letter gave Chuck a train ticket, and assured that all the ponies had been mostly alright. The hard crystal broke their fall. A letter was sent to on his behalf to Sheriff Silverstar, and he would assured a job would be found for him once he arrived.

___________________________________

It was his second day of travel now, and any moment he would arrive at Appleloosa. A waiter pony told him what Appleloosa was like. In a way, Chuck was both upset and relieved. Relieved, because he would be far away from Ponyville, but also- It would be like taking Gilligan off the island and offering him a banana and a coconut. Still, the ride was uneventful enough. He spent his time admiring his desk and also practicing his martial arts. His gear was set to the side, almost forgotten.

“Last stop! Now Arriving, Appleloosa!”

Chuck picked up his head, turning to look at the door to his cabin. He had been graciously given the caboose, a private cabin and had lots of room for his new desk. Our hero stood up and walked over to his desk and waited for the train to come to a stop. He wasn’t sure why there was a need for a steam whistle to indicate a stop, since ponies were drawing the train. Camping gear back on his shoulders, his left hand moved to hold up his precious.

When the train came to a full stop, Chuck walked over to the hole of the side entrance and blew. The doorway fell down, exposing the whole inside of the cabin to the ponies standing on the loading platform. After looking around for a second, he moved to hop off the cabin and land. A pony with a blue vest and wearing a hat quickly stepped up to him.

“Howdy Mr. Norris, and welcome to Appleloosa,” Sheriff smiled and moved a hoof to tip his hat.

“Hello Sheriff,” Chuck nodded in response. “Nice to see some proper folk.”

“Proper folk?” Sheriff raised his eyebrows.

“Well, hardly any of the ponies said hello to me the first day in Ponyville,” Chuck reponded.

“That don’t sound right...” Sheriff closed his eyes a bit and then shrugged. “Don’t you worry Mr. Norris. Here In Appleloosa, we ponies are friendly. We hardly get humans around here, so I reckon you will be the talk of the town.”

“That won’t cause any problems?” Chuck asked. They both started to walk around the train station and towards the front entrance of Appleloosa.

“Course not! Princess Celestia said ya was friendly, and I know you and the rest of the ponies will fit right in!” Sheriff responded.

“Wait... other ponies?” Chuck stopped walking.

“Oh yeah! A new school is opening up! Appleloosa U!” Sheriff stop at the front wooden gate. “It’s being built right now. Soon, we can have all sorts of new ponies coming by to our new town.”

“Oh...” Chuck released a sigh. For a moment there-

“Hey! He’s here!”

That voice made Chuck Norris pick up his head. Rainbow Dash flew over head, waving her left hoof up.

“He’s here?” Twilight picked up her head from the construction site where the new school was being made.

“What the?” Chuck blinked once, turning to look. Apparently, most of the Mane 6 were helping building the school. “Why are-”

“Chucky!” Pinkie Pie darted out, flying to grab Chuck’s left leg in a hug. Rarity moved to claim his other leg, while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash claimed his shoulders as they flew.

“We missed you!” Rarity squeezed as she rubbed her mane and horn against his frame.

“What’s going-”

“Oh! Princess Celestia didn't tell you?” Twilight trotted over to look up at him. “I gave a serious thought to what you told us. As the Elements of Harmony, we had to spread harmony properly to all of Equestria!” Twilight shut her eyes, tilting her head to the side. “It’s a goodwill tour! We going to live in each down in Equestria, doing our best to be proper role models to everypony!”

“What?” Chuck asked, his eyebrows raised. How did he do this exactly?

“Oh yes. While we travel, some of us will also be taking classes to further our education,” Fluttershy added.

“And yer going to help!” Applejack added, coming from the Appleloosa orchards.

“You’re here too?” Chuck asked, lifting his left hand to point. Her name escaped him at the moment...

“Course Ah am!”Applejack frowned. “How could I leave my husband-”

“Hold on now!” Chuck opened his eyes now and looked down at them all. “How are you even all alive after that kick?”

“Oh, that was the princess and me,” Twilight responded. “We created a field to catch us all.”

“Magic,” Chuck turned his head to the side and spit. “Thanks Obama.”

“We realized that we couldn’t argue about who would court you. What kind of examples could we be if we fought like schoolyard fillies?” Rarity asked. “So we did the logical thing.”

“Anyone else I’m married to?” Chuck asked.

“Oh, Princess Celestia and Luna. Lyra Heartstrings....” Rainbow mumbled. “There's a list...”

“A what now?” Chuck raised both eyebrows.

“Here,” Twilight reached to her side and gave Chuck a letter. He rolled open the scoll to stand reading out loud.

“Dear Chuck Norris. It has come to my attention that you wish a job. Given your past experiences as an actor and in sports, we thought the perfect job for you. You will be the bodyguard and spokesperson along with the Elements of Harmony. To ensure their safety and grant you citizenship, we all agreed to marry you. Best wishes, Princess Celestia.” Chuck lowered the scroll, for once in his life stunned.

“How does it feel to be King of Equestria?” Pinkie Pie elbowed him.

“...” Chuck stayed quiet, letting the realization sink in. If he was married to them all, he couldn’t very well roundhouse kick them all into oblivion. And it did grant him citizenship. And he would be able to travel... Snap out of it Chuck! Princess Celestia is trolling you!

“Chuck Norris?”

Chuck turned to look at the new voice. He blinked twice, spotting Princess Luna walking up to him. Her steps were slowly, and she sported a light blush on her cheeks. Oh sweet mother of-

“Hello, husband.”

Chuck smiled, lifting his gaze to look at heaven as a cloud took a form of Obama. Stephen Colbert, Nicolas Cage, and Charlie Sheen joined him. "Thanks."

The End

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. This was a satire, to a point. Any writers out there? Maybe you want to think twice about what you want to have your human do when he arrives in Equestria.

Also, thank Obama.

Ch.1- Look, All I Want is a Job

Chapter 1

It was a pleasant enough day in Ponyville. Celestia’s bright sun shined down on all of the green grass and trees. Ponies walked about, minding their own business with smiles on their faces. That was, until a portal opened up in the air. It was a standard portal, as things went. Big ‘ole circle with the colors of purple and swirling milky way star map on visibly seen through the portal. One pony picked up a head to look and then shake its head to the sides. Another human...

“Oh look...” Rarity said, her voice a bit bored. She and her sister were about to enter the Carousel Boutique with grocery bags. Sweetie Bell picked her head up, tired after pulling a small wagon full of bags. Like her sister, her gray eyes looked over at the portal.

“Don’t tell me... Another human,” Sweetie Bell guessed, rolling her eyes. “Is this one of those Emo types, or one of those that wants sex?”

“Actually now that you mention it- He doesn’t look like the regular ones,” Rarity said, pulling her head back from doorway. The little unicorn raised her eyebrows. “But let the others handle him, we already did the last one.”

“What do you mean, not like the others?”

“Well, this one is dressed in clothes that resembles one of the worker types- I think you remember that construction worker from before?” Rarity moved back from the door to let her sister walk inside.

“You’re right. He also doesn’t look sad or happy. But he does look like he’s ready for a long stay,” Sweetie said, squinting her eyes. The filly studied the guy as the portal vanished. “Is that camping gear on his back?”

The human picked himself to stand straight, moving each hand to dust off his clothes. He had short black hair, wearing tough and heavy looking fabrics. But he wore the standard blue jeans many humans had seen with before. On his back, he had a large backpack with camping supplies on his back. His head turned to look over at a stall that was selling apples.

“Oh, he’s walking away,” Sweetie said to look up at her sister.

“What direction? Let me guess, most want Fluttershy to bone her or to use her to find Rainbow Dash. Or to the Library...”

“Actually- I think its to Applejack’s apple cart.”

“Oh, he’s one of those...” Rarity shook her head to the sides and walked off to her sewing machine.

“Sis, are you upset that another human doesn’t want to date you?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Of.. Of course not! These human creatures are nothing but uncouth perverts!” Rarity moved to hide her blush behind her work.

_________________________________________

“Apples! Come git ‘em while they’re fresh! Just 2 bits-” Applejack stopped talking, spotting a shadow walking by. Dangit! A human. And when she wasn’t at her farm. They never showed up at the farm right away. Better try to act cool. With any luck, she could make this one work at the farm so much that he will be begging to go home.

“Excuse me. Sorry to bother you, but which way is City Hall?” The human asked with a small smile.

“Pardon me stranger, but ya said City Hall?” Applejack asked, lifting her left eyebrow in question.

“Yes, sorry I can’t buy your apples yet. Once I get a job, I’ll make sure to come back,” the human said to nod. He lost his smile, moving to stand straight and slip his hands into his jacket.

“Ah see. Just down the street mister. One with the fancy roof, can’t miss it...” Applejack said. The human nodded and smiled, turning to walk off. The orange cowpony tilted her head to the side, just watching the man walk off. That was weird, none of the standard questions. No flirting either. Still, she said nothing. Long as she was left alone, the better. Back to selling.

“Is he gone?” A voice whispered behind her. The apple seller released a sigh.

“Yeah, he’s gone Sugercube...”

“Oh. For a moment there I thought I was a goner...” Fluttershy stood out from the bush she was hiding in. Saddlebags on her sides indicated she had come to the market to get supplies.

“Gonner?” Applejack raised her left eyebrow, moving a hoof out to get the pegasus outta the foliage.

“Oh well... These humans seem to like to bump into me. All my things fall out,” Fluttershy explained as she got out of the bush. “Or they would stand up for me from others pushing me around. Then they will offer to help me home...” The pegasus smiled, her eyes getting a far away look. “Then we fall in love and rut like animals!”

“Too much info there!” Applejack frowned.

“Like you’re any different. Maybe,” Fluttershy defended herself, snapping out of her reverie.

“At times,” the earth pony frowned. “Let’s hope he gets some pony else before heat season.”

“Oh, I do so hope he does,” Fluttershy moved to the main road. “I almost have to beg these humans to rut me. It’s like they are afraid of hurting me.”

_______________________________________

The human looked around a bit, walking towards one of the large buildings of Ponyville. It was hard to miss, the thing had a giant rooftop. The only other building taller than it was the Clocktower. As he walked past, Pinkie Pie peeked her head out of her room to look down and sigh.

“Another one? I better get the 'cupcake' look ready,” Pinkie Pie said to the Cake Foals inside. “Oh, you're Auntie Pinkie is going to scare another- Huh?” The human continued walking, not bothering to even look in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. Tilting her head to the side, Pinkie looked out her window again. “Must be going after Twilight. I’d better let her get it then. Guess no pranks today!” She giggled, moving back to look at her charges.

As he walked, the human took note that the other ponies didn’t even bother to look in his direction. This suited the human just fine. He left them alone, they left him alone. Most of the ponies assumed this one had been around awhile- He wasn’t doing the usual stupid things most humans did when they got here. Which happened so much, that a public edict had been issued in newspaper to warn the general population:

Squeal with happiness.

Show signs of being confused.

Ask boring questions, like where he was, or where any of the Elements of Harmony were.

Do something stupid, like try to make friends like some rabid fan of Sapphire Shores.

Try to fight or take over Equestria.

The human walked past the Golden Oaks Library, not bothering to head inside. Spike the Dragon took his head away from the window and raised an eyebrow.

“Huh. That human just walked past here. Didn't even have to do my whole “who are you” acting bit...” Spike said to look over at Peewee. The baby phoenix chirped.

“Something the matter Spike?” Twilight Sparkle asked, lifting her head up from her book.

“Oh nothing, just another human in Equestria,” Spike said to walk over and grab some books to put away.

“Ergh. Another one? Why are you putting books away then? Shouldn't you get ready?” The purple unicorn asked to step away from her studies.

“That’s just it Twilight. He just walked past us, not even bothering to look at this tree,” Spike said with a shrug. “This guy must have passed a few of us by now, and he doesn't seemed fazed by anything.”

“Wait... walking past? You’re right. He should have at least met one of the Elements of Harmony by now. Rarity is not introducing anyone, there is no screaming by Pinkie Pie. Applejack is sometimes missed, and Rainbow Dash is not falling immediately in love...”

“You know, that’s not fair Twilight. Rainbow Dash isn’t the only lonely one that gets taken in by the affections of humans,” Spike said to look up at his pseudo mom. Twilight coughed once, trying to clear the blush in her cheeks.

“Yes well, I long since learned my lesson. But we’d better check on him, even if he’s not interested in any of us. He could be one of those interested in Princess Luna or Celestia...” Twilight said to roll her eyes.

“Well, you’d better hurry, I think he’s heading to City Hall.”

“City Hall? What’s there?” Twilight asked to lift her right eyebrow in question. Humans never went there other than the occasional one that wanted to bang one of the few mares that wore glasses. She stepped out of the door and begun to follow after the human. She was not curious at all about how romantic this man could be. Certainly not.

“Don’t fall in love again...” Spike warned. Twilight blushed a bit sheepishly and walked out the door.

__________________________________

The hero walked up to the building, finally smiling for the first time. He made it, with plenty of time still left on the day. He wondered just how people saw the Mayor though. Appointment? Should he just walk in?

“Uh, Mayor?” Time Turner raised his eyebrows, looking out the window.

“Yes Mr. Turner?” Mayor Mare raised her eyebrows, turning to look at him from her desk.

“It’s a human...”

“Oh, one of those. Let’s see. Is he with one of the Elements of Harmony?” Mare got off her chair, walking over to join him.

“Uh no... And he’s coming over. This one... Looks different somehow,” Turner raised his eyebrows. He opened the window with a hoof. “Hello sir! How can I help you?” The stallion asked.

“Greetings. I’m here to see the Mayor please. Do I have to make an appointment?” The human asked with a small smile.

“About what, if you mind me enquiring?”

“I want a job.”

“A job?” Time Turner blinked twice and retreated his head back through the window. Most humans did want a job true, but they never made it to City Hall. He turned to look at the Mayor. A bit curious, she raised a hoof to him to urge the human on. Once more, Turner stuck his head out. “What’s your name sir?”

“Chuck Norris."

Author's Note

Of course, our hero is using a fake name.

Ch.8- Look, I Just Want Answers

Look, I Just Want Answers

Eric Norris, the oldest known son of Chuck Norris, wasn’t the legend his father was. But what man could be? He was an actor and knew martial arts like his father, and he’s helped out in the Norris family endeavors whenever he could. So when his father went missing, he joined up with his brothers to start chasing him down. He did posses his father’s chestnut hair and a strong physique. A trait shared by all the brothers.

It was hard- chasing your father through time and space without a TARDIS or a Delorean was tricky.

Mike Norris, born only two years after the firstborn, was also accomplished. An actor and stuntman, he’s done a few roles alongside his father. He was also championship NASCAR driver, winning the 2002 NASCAR K&N Pro Series West. Still, he was not match for his father and his legendary feats. So when the Norris clan needed his help, he knew he had to tap into his potential once more.

It was a shame though. He would’ve won more racing records, but damn NASCAR and the need to always use car..

Dakota Alan Norris, the youngest (known) Norris brother, has yet to step out and claim his spot. For you see, young Dakota was born 38 years after his oldest brother. Let it not be said Chuck Norris wouldn’t ever be the virile god that he is. Barely reaching the age of manhood, this was his first time to join his brothers to retrieve their wayward father. Still, he had the most energy out of them all. He’s even been trained using the same methods his father had, and even trained by him as well.

It is said that he and his twin sister had to share their powers, making the Wonder Twins check under their bed for them.

Now they were all after their wayward father- and this schmuck of a super coke fiend was in the land of multi-colored ponies impersonating the almighty Chuck Norris. Each one of the boys narrowed their eyes at Charlie Sheen. Too focused on the drug addict, they ignored the ponies. Mostly.

“Why are you impersonating our father?” Dakota stepped out, lifting his right hand to point.

“Impersonating? I’m researching a role. What about you? Son of Norris and not even in a movie yet,” Charlie responded. “I don’t have to answer to you anyway. I’m on a drug, and it’s called ponies.”

The mares slowly begun to gather around Twilight, not sure what was going in. Who was this man that lied to them? Was it all really for a role? Applejack narrowed her eyes and snorted angrily. To think she was going to bring him home! Twilight lowered her head, biting her lower lip. Had another human just broken her heart? Fluttershy looked between the children of Norris. While that was a fake mask, she could clearly see how they were all related. Dakota for his credit, looked really cute. Rainbow shut her eyes dejectedly. Why? Why did she have to fall for the bad guys? Mayor Mare growled a bit. How dare this human toy with them all? Rarity blinked twice, wondering if the ‘Chuck’ she started to like was still inside this ‘Charlie.’

“Girls?”

“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight picked up her head. So the last one had showed up after all. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh! I was chasing after Gummy! I was going to show him off to-” She stopped hopping, turning to look over at the men gathered. “Uh... No one told me I was going to have to throw a party for all the new humans. Are they-”

“Girls, we need to get outta here, now!” Phoenix Wright called out. One look at the faces of the Norris spawn and he knew they meant business. “Everypony get into City Hall!”

“Phoenix?” Rainbow called out. “When did you get here?”

“You are so going to pay once our real dad finds out what you've been doing,” Eric moved to punch his left hand into his right palm.

“You can’t catch me! I've got tiger’s blood running through me!” Charlie Sheen took off, running in the opposite direction from them.

“Get him!” Mike called out. The men took off, leaving the mares and Phoenix behind.

“Shouldn't we help him though?” Fluttershy picked up her head. While still trying to understand what was going on, she was still concerned with the well being of Charlie.

“He’ll be fine, he’s a wizard,” Phoenix moved to the doors of the building and push the doors open. “Let’s get in here.”

With their minds still trying to cope, they all moved inside the hall.

__________________________________

“Damn coked out washout,” Dakota muttered under his breath. While Charlie Sheen was crazy, there was no denying he was no slouch. High on any possible amount of drugs, Charlie ran like his life depended on it. Also, he had a better layout of the land.

“Seriously going to murder this guy!” Eric called out. He was saving his power for when he could actually catch the Sheen. No telling how much power they would need to chase after their father afterwards as well.

“Is that all you got? Guess you no name Norris's can’t handle winning!” Charlie cackled as he ran out of town and head into Whitetail Woods.

“You son of a-” Mike, being the racer- Managed to pull ahead of the rest of his brothers to jump out and tackle the impostor. He jumped out, moving both arms to wrap around the actor and pull him down. “By the way, loved you in Hot Shots!” Mike called out as they landed.

“Hot shots?” Dakota questioned, running over to them. “I only know him from Two and a Half Men.”

“Before your time Junior,” Mike said as he moved to look down. The two brothers moved to restrain the wizard to make him get up. “Who told you how to travel between the dimensions? Was it Dad?”

“I'ma wizard kid,” Charlie spat out as he stood up. “By they way, thanks. I enjoyed making fun of Sylvester Stallone in that movie.” Mike grinned, only to stop when his brothers gave him the stink eye.

“You got two seconds to tell us if you know where our dad is before we roundhouse kick you back to Men at Work,” Mike warned him.

“Oh my god, I do not want to act with my brother again!” Charlie frowned. “Fine. I’ll tell you what I know. Leggo, ok?” Eric turned to look at his brothers. Dakota shrugged, not sure what to do. Mike nodded, obviously a fan of the Sheen. With a nod for the oldest, they released their dad impersonator.

“Ok. What’s up? Why our dad?” Dakota asked.

“Ok. Fine. I wanted to be in The Expendables 3... I asked your dad for a favor, but he asked for a solid in return.” Charlie moved both hands to straighten out his clothes. “He wanted to take a small vacation, so he roundhouse kicked me and a few others that wanted into the movie. If we could act being Norris, he would come get us back.”

“Act?” Eric asked. “Who else was there?”

“Oh, I think it was Morgan Freeman, Jackie Chan, Robert De Niro...” Charlie shrugged. “Dunno how many exactly. You know how fast your dad can be.”

They all raised their eyebrows and nodded.

“Alright. Least dad threw some guys to get the scent off his trail. Let’s go guys...” Eric sighed.

“What about him?” Dakota asked.

“Well duh. We get his autograph and take him home. We find out who else wants to be in the third Expendables and track them. Least we know dad’s not here.”

__________________________________

“We should be in the clear now,” Phoenix said as he shut the door behind them. “Sorry about-”

“Somepony tell me what is going on right now!” Mayor Mare exclaimed with a frown on her face. “I am starting to reconsider having humans around at all!”

“Oh...” Phoenix moved his left hand up to his neck and pulled off his mask.

“Le gasp!”

“What a twist!”

“Oh, I saw this coming...”

“Huh?”

“Sweet Celestia!”

Chuck Norris smiled down at them all. “Sorry about that. Had to throw my kids off my trail.”

“Why you no good rogue!” Rarity chided him, smiling a bit and glad the real Chuck was alright.

“What a prank! That’s has gotta be the most awesome switcharoo ever!” Pinkie Pie called out with a grin.

Applejack shook her head to the sides, finally clearing her head. “How do we know you’re not pulling another fast one?”

“Really? I told you I was an actor...” Chuck replied with a sigh. “How to prove it now...” The human turned to look around the hallway. “Want me to throw City Hall? Let me tell you, it’s easier than throwing a party- so it may take 5 days to land back down.”

“Uh... No, that will be alright,” Twilight Sparkle quickly frowned and moved to step out from her friends. “But was it really necessary to lie to your own children?”

“They’re old enough. They’re my kids, so if they really need me for anything- they can handle it themselves. Part of being a parent is knowing when to let go. Dakota is going to start college soon too...” Chuck smiled with pride. “But I’m not ready to just retire just yet.”

“What kept you from showing up earlier?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Oh, I had to do something. I felt a disturbance in the Chuck Force.”

“When did you switch anyway?” Rainbow asked, frowning a bit. Did she fall in love with Charlie, or Norris?

“Oh, that was this morning. I sensed something was wrong, so I decided to take precautions. Charlie Sheen owed me a solid. Please don;t get mad at him, it’s not his fault.” Chuck shrugged. “Been a while since I’ve been in a suit.” Chuck moved to dust off the blue suit and chuckled. His acting was soo good he fooled his kids.

“Well, I think you look much better in the suit...” Rarity moved out, sliding a hoof out to run it along his leg. “It makes you look much more-”

“Hey, I saw him first!” Applejack moved out to frown.

“Oh no way! You girls like him too?” Pinkie Pie grinned. “How about we share him?”

“Oh no!” Fluttershy stepped out, frowning at her friends. “I’m going to make him say my name!”

“Oh my, Assertishy,” Chuck raised his eyebrows. “Look, I’m going to stop you there. I already said I’m not dating. I just came for my job assignment.”

“Oh!” Mayor Mare calmed down, her good mood returning quickly. Time to bust out her ace in the hole. “You can be my assistant until I get my receptionist back! You even get your own desk of mahogany!”

“Really?” Chuck smiled at the idea.

“Oh no! As it happens, I sent a letter to Princess Celestia!”

Every pony stopped, turning to look at Twilight.

“She wants to personally meet this new human, and wants to find out more since he’s so different from the others!” The purple unicorn grinned. Her ace in the hole was pulled.

“Aw dang-it... Celestia is gonna git him for sure nah.” Applejack frowned.

“Princess Celestia? When is she coming?” Mayor Mare asked, upset her ace was no match for Twilight’s.

“This afternoon!”

Bonus:

Meanwhile, the cutie mark crusaders as they went to school...

“So this new human,” Scootaloo raised her left eyebrow. “You think he’s into stallions?”

“He’s gotta be! He told mah sis he’s not into mares,” Applebloom responded.

“My big sister is not sure either...” Sweetie Belle added. They were almost at the schoolhouse when they felt the earth rumble a bit.

“Woah! An earthquake in Ponyville?” Cheerilee asked outside the door. The colts and fillies that had no wings had to balance themselves a bit.

The earth opened up a bit, a crevice being creating as it split apart. Down from the ground, Chuck Norris appeared in all of his glory. Dressed in a black vest and blue shirt and jeans, the eternal cowboy frowned. He moved his left hand to the tip of his hat and frown as he stood back on solid earth as it stopped rumbling.

“Who said I’m into stallions?” Chuck spoke in a deep voice that boomed as much as Princess Luna.

Scootaloo opened her mouth, immediately moving her hoof to point at Applebloom and Sweetie. The two fillies had jumped into each other, hugging one another in fear. Chuck narrowed his eyes and then spun around, moving his right leg out in a roundhouse kick.

The two fillies were sent flying back at the force, heading into the school house. Scootaloo’s mouth refused to close as Chuck simply looked skyward and moved out to fly out and put on his blue suit.

“Girls!” Cheerilee shook her head out of the shock to look at the imprints in the wall left by the two fillies. “Are you okay?” The colts and fillies begun to march to the school, wondering if they were alive.

“What... happened?” Applebloom asked. She and Sweetie moved out of the wreckage of wood and debris.

“My everything hurts!” Sweetie cried out. “Huh? Applebloom! You got a cutie mark!”

“So do you Sweetie Belle!” They looked at each other’s flank.

Author's Note

Say thanks Crusaders!

Epilogue

Epilogue

Everyone gathered around the White House press release room. A sudden called for press response was called by President Barack Obama. Various newspaper and TV reporters gathered around the 'blue' room. The infamous room where all the latest news are broadcast. Murmured voices was heard as the podium stood in the middle of the stage. A man dressed in a gray stripped blue suit stepped up.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, the President of the United States of America," the presenter said. He walked away to the left, heading through a door. Barack stepped up to the podium from the other side. He smiled at the camera.

He opened his mouth to speak.

Author's Note

I had to give him a chance to respond...