Everfree or Die Hard

by The Gunny

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Lyra, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 1095

The 007 of Plain Field New Jersey ends up in Equestria. Hilarity Ensues as well as a good bit of explosions.

The 007 of Plain Field New Jersey ends up in Equestria. Hilarity Ensues as well as a good bit of explosions.

Published 2013-05-26 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-26 07:20:01 UTC

Chapter 1

John McClane rubbed his head, he never remembered how much a hangover hurt until he actually had one which made it even worse.

“The fuck happened last night?” He said to himself as he picked himself off the ground, the grass he was on was wet with dew but he was surprisingly dry. “How the fuck did I get to the park?” He said as his crusted eyes began to take in his new surroundings. “The Fuck? This isn’t New York.”

“HI! I’M PINKIE!” A pink...Pony? shouted sending a rocket of pain through McClane’s head.

“The Fuck?” Was all McClane could say before falling over and clutching his head. “I’m drunk I gotta be Drunk.” He groaned.

“Gee, Are you okay mister alien!?” Pinkie asked as she got in McClane's face. He squirmed away.

“How can I be drunk and hungover.” McClane muttered to himself.

“Hungover? What are you hungover the side of the bed! I was hung over the side of the bed once but i fixed it. Are you having trouble get out of your hangover the bed because I can help! All I need is a cupcake! Do you like cupcakes because I love them, there so-” Pinkie started to ramble.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” McClane bellowed, the volume of his voice sent birds flying from trees.

“OKIE DOKIE LOKIE!” Pinkie said with a smile, soon there was silence until what sounded like a pressure cooker about to explode caught McClanes attention. He opened his eyes and saw the pony bouncing up and down on the groun with he face looking like it was some sort of distorted balloon. McClane knew what was going to happen and covered his ears. “OH DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I FOUND THIS BIT ON THE GROUND! ALL MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE! ‘KEEP IT!’ BUT I WAS LIKE ‘NO ITS SOMEPONY ELSES BIT!’ AND SO I WENT TO THE POLICE AND THEY SAID TO KEEP THE BIT TOO BUT I WAS LIKE-” McClane shoved his and over the Mares mouth but she kept on talking. “MMMmmmMMmmmm mmMMMMM MmM MMMMMM”

“Pinkie did you try not talking aga- What in celestia’s name is that!?” A purple unicorn with wings stated as she trotted up the hill. McClane was at his wits end, he looked at her and mouth the words ‘Help Me’.

“GAH FUCK! SHE FUCKING BIT ME!” McClane shouted as he held his hand and watched as blood trickled down his arm. “Fucking Shit! I gotta get a Fucking Rabbies shot now! FUCK!”

“...Oh did I bite you I’m so sorry! I didn’t know my teeth were so sharp, I meen all I eat is cake and daisy sandwhiches! Oh have you ever eaten cake WITH a daisy sandwhich! Oh its the best! I mean theres the sweetness of the cake mixing with the sort of mellow oaky taste of the daisy! Its so good its almost as good as a party!”

“PINKIE!” The lavender one who was watching shouted, John had torn the sleeves off of his T-Shirt and had tied them around the bite in his hand. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“OH YEAH THE CAKES WANTED ME TO GO AND SIT THE FOALS! BYE MISTER ALIEN!” Pinkie shouted.

“Okay, getting bitten by a talking pony thing kinda proves this isn’t a drunken dream or a really bad hangover. Come on John what’d you do last night that sent you here?” McClane muttered to himself until he noticed the Lavender mare still staring at him “Okay so they talk, they’re intellegent, they live in houses from what I can see but how the FUCK! Do they have horns and wings when there is no possible way on earth that’s possible. Think John think!”

“Um...Are you okay?” The lavender mare asked, McClane looked up at her with an ‘Are you fucking serious’ Expression.

“Oh! I’m just dandy!” McClane said sarcastically. “Fuckin’ shit that bite stings!”

“Um maybe I could help?” The Lavender pony asked. “In return maybe I could study you?” McClane looked at her with another ‘Are you serious’ Expression.

“No, miss....” McClane began.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle...”

“Oh Princess! My dearest appologies for not bowing to your holy presence.” McClane Deadpanned.

“Oh its quite alright, wait was that a lie?” Twilight said raising an Eyebrow.

“AAAANNNTTTT Sorry Princess wrong this time, would you like to go for double jeopardy where the score can really change.” McClane laughed “Haven’t you ever heard sarcasm before Princess?”

“Wha-Wha- HUH?” Twilight stammered. “Who the hay do you think you are? More importantly what are you!”

“John McClane, double-oh seven of plainfield new jersey, human and professional badass at your service.” McClane said before getting up and giving a shallow bow before bursting out in laughter. “You should see the look on your face!” Twilight stared at him dumbfounded. “Okay but seriously where the fuck am I. And speaking of other good questions! how the fuck are a bunch of miniature horses talking? Some sort of Government experiment!?”

“Well first of all, we aren’t horses...” Twilight said slightly annoyed at this creature, this human. “Secondly you are in the kingdom of Equestria, and why would the government experiment on somepony?”

“Oh fucking wonderful! I think I’ve finally drunk myself into a coma!” McClane shouted at the top of his lungs.

“What?” was all Twilight could say. “You obviously aren’t from Equis are you...”

“Equis? Fuck Equis!” McClane shotued before shaking his head. “Never mind that, Happy trails motherfucker!” McClane said before flipping his middle finger to Twilight who was too dumbstruck by how this human was talking to her to notice.

“What...the buck...just happened....” She finally muttered as McClane began to get farther away. Twilight rushed after him and then got in his face. “You can;t leave! I have to tell the Princess about you, I have to take Samples, study you!”

“Listen to me and listen very good cause I hate repeating myself. I. DO NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK!” McClane said in a serious tone. Twilight didn’t budge and blocked his path, McClane reached into his Leather jacket and pulled his Hand Gun into view. “Now bye Bye litte horsey.” He said before attempting to push passed Twilight.

“I said we’re called PONIES!” she growled before her horn glowed and McClane found himself suspended in mid air.

“Well...thats new...” Was all a stunned McClane could get out. Twilight trotted over with a cocky look on her face. “Oh you know I’m gonna get you for this right?”

“yeah?.” She replied Smiling Widely