Cupcakes A$$ Kicking.

by thewaffler

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Human, Doctor Whooves, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Dinky Hooves, Other, Flim and Flam, Original Character, Prince Blueblood, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Gummy, Big Macintosh, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 35542

What happens when the cast of Friendship is magic discovers the bad fanfiction and distrurbing art.

Somehow our internet has come into contact with net of Equestria and while hanging out Rainbow and Pinkie discover a certain fic. Are they gonna take it?

The short answer: No.

The long answer involves breaching the fourth wall and getting some much needed pay back. The story doesn't end at Cupcakes as the rest of the folks in Equestria discover their own personal and disturbing fics and pics. Twilight will go psycho and you can't escape a Big Mac attack in the later chapters.

This well be open to suggestion and if you think a fic should be included just mention a short plot summary and the character involved so I don't actually have to read the disgusting fic.

Published 2012-02-13 00:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-06 23:13:52 UTC

Pinke and Rainbow 's Payback

This is gonna piss off somebody.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were in Pinkie's room hanging out like they normally did. Pinkie was on her computer looking up new cupcake recipes and Rainbow was playing with Gummy on Pinkie's bed.

Dr. Whooves opened a panel on the side of his TARDIS and started working the wires using 'primitive tools' as he called them. His Sonic screwdriver lost in the void that was referred to as the living room sofa.

"Ditzy could you hand me a pair of wire cutters?"

Ditzy saluted and walked over to the toolbox. She rummaged through the box looking for the tool but it was nowhere to be found. "I can't find them."

A small hoof pulled Ditzy's tail and she turned around to see her daughter with a pair of wire cutters in her mouth. "Mmfound em." She said through the tool.

Ditzy took the wire cutters and hugged her daughter. "Thank you Dinky, now go play with your sister."

"Okay mama." Dinky turned away and trotted off.

Ditzy hoofed over the wire cutters to Dr. Whooves and he began working on his machine.

He had cut two wires and crossed them, hoping that they would fix his machine but instead something odd happened. The whole room vibrated and a ray of light shot through the ceiling from his TARDIS and they stepped back to see what would happen. To their luck nothing seemingly happened.

Pinkie was surfing through the web when her eyes stopped at a link where the web page was titled 'Cupcakes' and saw how many views and words it had. "Wow, this must be a super recipe!" She clicked on the link and began to read.

After about 20 minutes of reading she just stared at the screen with her mouth gaped open. She set her head between her hooves and started sobbing from what she just read. "Why...I-I would never.." She laid her head on her desk and continued to weep.

Rainbow was tossing Gummy into the air and catching him. She heard Pinkie crying and stopped tossing Gummy and set him down. She hovered over to Pinkie and put her hoof on her shoulder.

"Pinkie?"

Pinkie lifted her head and wiped her snout. "Read this story, they wrote awful things about us."

Rainbow read the story and she was more than just sickened, she was appalled and disgusted and worst of all she was angry about how they made her best friend cry. She continued to read spin-offs and sequels to Cupcakes and she got angrier each story.

Pinkie was crying on her bed with Gummy staring at her and Rainbow went over to comfort her. "Pinkie are you alright?"

"I-I'm fine but how could they say such horrible stuff about us? And how do they even know who we are?"

Rainbow shook her head. "I have no idea, but I know one thing. Whoever makes you cry is going to pay. Let’s go see Dr. Whooves maybe he has an idea on how these things know who we are, look at his profile picture."

Pinkie hesitantly looked at the computer and saw a picture of a very plump creature. "What is that thing?"

"I think it’s a human, I don't know anything about them other than they should by myths. Let’s go to Dr. Whooves now and ask." The two left the bakery and headed for Ditzy's house.

Rainbow knocked on the door and it was quickly answered by a young filly.

"Hello." said the pink coated filly.

"Hey Sparkler, Is your dad home?" Rainbow asked, trying to sustain her rage.

"Yes, father is working on his machine again. I'll take you to him."

Sparkler led Rainbow and Pinkie to the room where the TARDIS was held.

"Father you have somepony here to see you."

Dr. Whooves was observing his machine, trying to figure out what happened. "Okay, thank you Sparkler."

Rainbow and Pinkie walked into the room.

"What can I help you with girls?"

Rainbow took a step forward. "We read this weird story on Pink's computer and it was written by these humans."

Dr. Whooves dropped his attention from his TARDIS. "Humans?"

Rainbow nodded her head.

"Show me."

Rainbow lead Dr. Whooves to his computer and showed him all of the new sites filled with content from the strange creatures.

After awhile Rainbow spoke again. "So what do you think happened?"

Dr. Whooves closed his eyes and tapped his temple. "I think I have a theory." He walked over to a chalk board on the wall and started drawing a few pictures, a rectangle, a cone, and a line.

He pointed his hoof at the rectangle. "This is my device. Earlier when I crossed wires together it sent out a pulse of energy into the sky." He moved his hoof to the cone. "And then what could have happened is that the energy pulse reached out into the depth of space and attached itself to another ripple of energy that then connected to create a wormhole." He drew another cone from the tip of the first cone. "The worm holes then formed a gateway from our universes and here. " He pointed at the vertices of the cones. "Is the suppressed in the middle to where only certain elements may pass- say a radio signal." He moved his hoof to the final illustration of the simple line. "It then followed its pre-path back to Equestria and impacted our solid surface and sent the signals all over and now we may access their content." He dropped the chalk. "Any questions?"

Rainbow slowly raised her hoof. "What?"

"Where you not paying attention?"

"Sorry no, I've been really mad at how much they hurt Pink and I want to get back at them."

Pinkie poked Dash's shoulder. "He said that we are now connected through a small interstellar wormhole that allows static communication to be made with another universe through a small tube."

Rainbow was dumbstruck. "...okay." She turned to the doctor. "Is there anyway somepony could travel through the hole thing?"

He scratched his head. "Well... I guess if you were to break the laws of physics in some manner around the source it may pull you in because you show similar traits to its current action. In a scientific term its called breaking the fourth wall."

Pinkie's eyes lit up. "Oh that’s easy!"

The doctor was familiar with her actions."Before you go, you should consult a certain friend of mine that’s an expert and philosopher on humans. He owns a struggling comic book shop in Ponyville."

Rainbow and Pinkie left the room. "Okay, thanks doc."

"Anytime." The doctor returned to tinkering with his machine with his wife.

"This looks like the place." Rainbow said as she looked up at the building.

The two entered the building and looked around. They didn't see anyone around so they went up to the front desk. "Hello? is anypony here?"

"One moment!" A yell came from above.

A trap door opened on the ceiling and a small red stuffed creature fell down to the ground.

They looked down at the stuffed toy and it started to talk.

"Hi I'm Elm-"

The toy was silenced by a yellow coated orange maned stallion that jumped down onto it.

"Filthy creature." He picked it up and threw it against the wall. He turned to Rainbow and Pinkie. "What can I do for you two?"

Pinkie jumped up and put her hooves on the counter. "We want to know about humans and how they know who we are."

The stallion rubbed his chin while he thought. "One second." He pulled out a book from under the counter and pulled it out and opened it. He pointed at a picture of a human. "Humans walk on two feet and have a pair of hands they use to perform daily functions with. They are a very fragile but intelligent race."

Rainbow looked at the picture and her eyes narrowed. "And how do they know who we are mr...?"

"Call me Waffles, that’s what everyone calls me."

"Well Waffles, how do they know who we are?"

He returned the book to under the counter. "Well, I'm not sure but it’s possible they created a cartoon show about us and its highly popular. I hope I helped you two."

"Yeah, thanks a bunch Waffles. Bye." The two left the store and went back to Pinkie's room.

"Okay Pinkie do we have everything?"

"Aren't you scared to go to the other universe Dashie?"

Rainbow shook her head. "No way, and nobody messed with us and gets away with it."

Pinkie looked into her bag. "Yep, that’s everything."

"Good, let’s go."

The odd smelling writer sat down on his computer and entered his username out loud. "PedoTwilight74" and then went to his email.

"From Pinkie Pie? Weird..." He clicked on the message and a cyan hoof came out of the screen and pulled him in. "What!? No!" The computer shut off as soon as the writer disappeared.

Meanwhile at the Legion of Douche

A very sickly looking writer with curly red hair was talking with a headset on and staring into his webcam. On the screen there were three other humans.

"So I was thinking since I was the creator of Cupcakes I could write a direct sequel. I’ve grown wary of all these horrible unofficial sequels that fail to live up to my grand opus. As for you three I've read all of your sequels and spin-offs and they have inspired me to write the next masterpiece." The sickly writer said with pride.

A snort of laughter came from his headphones. "Yeah dude that’s going to be so friggen sweet!"

"I read your new chapter RainbowDyke189, and it's great. Keep up the good work; I loved that scene where the dying Rainbow Dash was trying to eat out Pinkie’s Pie."

A very brittle voice came from the headphones. "Oh that was nothing, wait till I write chapter four. I'm going to add-"

One of the screens started buzzing and the writer was disconnected.

"Maybe he DC'ed?"

"Yeah pro-"

The other two writers on the sickly humans screen buzzed offline and he banged his computer. "Piece of junk..."

"Hey you!"

The writer turned around and his face showed amazement. "Rainbow? Pinkie? You're real!?"

Rainbow took a step forward. "Yeah and...oh...what’s that behind you?"

The writer turned around. "What all I see is my wa-"

The writer was knocked unconscious and was put into a sack.

He woke up to the shouts of his fellow writers beside him. They were all yelling for help and tied up into a chair and only a single light over them. He looked out and recognized the place as a warehouse.

"Help! Someone!" They all screamed.

Two mares emerged from the darkness and all of the writers stopped screaming and looked at them.

"They're real!?"

Rainbow flew over to one of them. "Hi, yeah and we're real."

"Help us out of here Rainbow!" The writer pleaded.

"Why would I let you out when we just finished restraining you guys?"

"Why are you doing this to us?"

Rainbow's eye twitched. "You're really going to say that? How dare you write that stuff about me and Pinkie!"

Pinkie yelled from across the room. "Yeah! I would never do that to Dashie!"

"And you!" Rainbow flew over to a very large writer. "RainbowDyke...Why the hay would you write me performing oral with Pinkie while I was dying? That’s really messed up...I ain't into mares. I mean yeah I experimented in college, but I didn't like it."

Pinkie appeared beside Rainbow. "You went to college Dashie? What did you study? Awesome-ology? Kicking flanks and taking names?"

Rainbow turned to talk with her friend. "Believe it or not it was Drago communications."

"Oooh that sounds coo-"

"AY GUYS YOU GONNA TALK OR ARE YOU GONNA DO SOEMTHING?" Said the writer that was the only one to know where this was going. After his outburst he immediately regretted his decision.

Rainbow turned to him. "Heh... Thanks for putting us back on track there. Pinkie kill the lights."

The lights were shut off and all of the writers continued to scream for help.

They heard a dragging sound across the room and a writer heard the dragging stop beside him.

The small lamp was turned on and he stared at the pink mare whose mane was flat.

She giggled. "So you think I'm a crazed psychopath?" she pulled a butchers knife from the darkness. She slowly ran her hoof on the blade. "I wonder if this is sharp enough....Here test this for me."

She slowly ran the tip of the blade down his arm and the skin was only slightly scratched.

The writer was hyperventilating as the blade traveled from his shoulder to his elbow.

Only a single trickle of blood dripped from the knife and Pinkie smiled in delight. "Perfect..."

"Please no! I have a family, kill them first! It was just a story please!"

Pinkie reached up to the lamp and turned it off.

Rainbow pulled the writer with the username Rainbowdyke into another room. She pushed him in and fell face forward, still tied to his chair.

“Argh.” He moaned in pain.

"Wait here."

Rainbow waited by the door for her friend.

Pinkie hopped up next to Rainbow.

"Was he scared?"

"Mhm! I did that thingy you told me to do and he wet himself before he passed out from fright."

Rainbow laughed. "Good, that guy only wrote a short sequel and it was me getting saved so he doesn't deserve much." She glared at the pained writer on the ground. "This thing however needs a serious beating."

The two mares set up the chair and RainbowDyke spoke.

"I have freedom of speech you can't do this to me!"

"You have that freedom, you just abuse it like a drunken husband you sick bastard!" Rainbow pushed over the chair again and he was on his side.

"I'm sorry!"

"PINKIE IS MY BEST FRIEND DAMMIT AND YOU AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU MADE HER SAD!" Rainbow screamed over the writer.

Pinkie put her hoof on Rainbow's shoulder.

Rainbow turned around and Pinkie handed her a bat and dialed the nearby radio to K-BILLY’s super sounds of the seventies.

She smiled as she tested the bat in the wind. "Let’s get this over with its getting late."

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie walked out of the back door of the warehouse and Rainbow threw her bat in the dumpster. The bat was severely dented.

"Was that right Dashie?"

Rainbow shrugged. "Those guys really needed justice, and I'm sure a lot of people agree with us that those guys are seriously messed up in the head."

Pinkie smiled and hugged Rainbow. "Nobody ever tried to defend me like that."

Rainbow slightly pushed her away. "Hey it was no big deal, nobody messes with my friends like that. Let’s get home.”

The two mares trotted off looking for the closest computer.

A flash erupted from Pinkie's computer and they appeared back in her room and they were lying on the floor.

"Man, we can travel to another universe and we can't even land on our hooves." Rainbow said as she rubbed her head.

"Well I'm just glad that’s all over, we got all of those meanie 'Cupcake' writers and-"

"AAAH!"

A scream vibrated all through Ponyville and Rainbow dashed to the window to see Twilight's computer being thrown out of the library.

"Well Pinkie, looks like duty calls!" Rainbow exclaimed.

Pinkie raised her hoof westward and entered the pose of a conquistador. "To Twilights!"

The two friends rushed over to the library.

A/N: If your curious about the Elmo scene, I used to work in the Fisherprice section in a toy store and there was a motion sensitive Elmo doll that would go off every time i passed it which was 50 times a day 5 days a week. So, yeah that was a small self insert as therapy.

Also feel free to leave suggestion for future chapters.

Twilight's turn

A/N: Twilight will be only slightly out of character and also my apologies to the fine people of Nome, Alaska.

There's also an alternate ending. I apologize to the fine people of Turkey, but let's face it you're prisons are fucked up.

Pinkie and Rainbow rushed to the Ponyville library to find Twilight's computer on the ground smashed into oblivion and a shattered window.

Pinkie knocks on the door of the library and Spike answers the door holding a dust pan and broom.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

Rainbow looked at Spike and explained their concern. "Yeah, we heard a loud scream and Twilight's computer is outside crushed like a paper ball. We wanted to see if Twilight was okay."

"She's in the shower and was saying something about feeling unclean." Spike left the room to clean up the broken glass.

Rainbow and Pinkie trotted to the bathroom door and heard the water running and mumbling. Slowly they open the door and when they did they found Twilight on her haunches sitting in super hot water holding a scrub brush with her magic.

"Twi?" Pinkie and Rainbow called out to twilight.

"Unclean." Twilight mumbled as she scrubbed herself.

"Twi?" They tried again.

"Very unclean." The purple unicorn mumbled before scrubbing herself harder.

"Twilight?" They spoke a little bit louder only to be ignored once again.

"Unclean. Can't...get...images out...of...my mind."

"TWILIGHT!!" They yelled snapping Twilight out of her trance.

"Oh, Pinkie and Rainbow it was horrible. There were so many disgusting and perverse images of me and the Princesses online." Twilight slurped down on to the bathroom tile exhausted from her cleaning fit.

The pink and cyan mares left Twilight to compose herself and walked back into the main area of the library.

"Don't worry Twilight something like happened to us earlier today. We can go their world and beat em up." Rainbow said as she bucked the air her two front hooves in a fighting stance.

"No." Twilight says in a serious and calculating tone.

Rainbow looks at Twilight with a confused look on her face. "Huh?"

"Don't get me wrong Rainbow, I think the insane perverts that think the Princesses would and I would behave in such a manner need to be punished. It's just that I'm not about physical payback."

"What did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking of something more indirect, but I may need you and Pinkie's help on this plan."

"Okie doki loki." Pinkie chimed in from across the room not really paying attention to Rainbow and Twilight's conversation..

"Anyway I need you two here tomorrow at 9am, so till then good night Rainbow and Pinkie" Her two friends left after saying their good byes.

Before leaving the library Pinkie though to herself. 'I wonder how that one guy we beat up is doing?'

Meanwhile back on Earth at a San Hedeemas, California mental hospital.

A psychiatrist enters a large sterile room where a nurse is finishing preparation on the machine. The smell of alcohol based cleaning solutions linger in the air; The doctor stops when she reaches a table with metal studs protruding slightly from its surface and the buckles of its leather restraining straps glisten under the florescent tubes.

The door opens revealing a drugged up, pale and bruised young man being carted into the room. The orderlies lift him from his wheel chair, place him on the table and secure his restraints.

The doctor waits for him to come out of his drug induced state.

"Mr.**** please tell me what happened to you." The doctor says in a very monotone voice as she expects the same answer again from what she calls an "uncooperative patient."

"I'M TELLING YOU, TWO TINY HORSES FROM A CARTOON CAME OUT OF MY COMPUTER AND BEAT ME UP!!!! "

The doctor shakes her head and turns to the nurse "Increase the voltage and begin the treatment, nurse."

"ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! YOU FASCIST!!!!" He yelled as his mouth started to foam and he could smell burnt toast.

Back in Equestria

The next morning Twilight meets her friends at the library and from there they went trotted over to the comic book store to speak to Waffles.

The door opens are the door chimes letting the owner know he has customers. The stallion from behind the counter greets his guest.

"Welcome to Deus Ex Machina Comics, how may I hel-" He turned around to see two familiar mares and a third he only recognized from around town. "Oh, hello Pinkie and Rainbow, did you guys wanna buy something or do you guys need more info on humans."

"Nope we don't need anything, but our friend Twilight needs help with her own human problem."

"Umm...yes, I need information because yesterday I came across some...unflattering images of me and the princesses." Twilight shivered slightly as she recalled the filthy pics and her mind began to cry out for brain bleach.

"So, what do you you wanna do? beat em up? Trust me that seems to be the popular idea for revenge nowadays, I mean this comic store just barely makes enough to break even and yet all types of ponies are coming to me for information since yesterday morning. I will say this that one couple, you know the one with the light teal unicorn and the candy marked earth pony, boy you should heard the mouth on the latter one, she---- " Waffle looks at the three mares that seem to be growing impatient. "Sorry about that I tend to ramble, what kind of information do you need?"

"I thought about it last night. I don't want to attack anyone..." she glared at Rainbow and Pinkie. "...but I would like to make them feel unpleasant and very irate as they have done to me, so my question is do you know anypony that is good at identity theft."

Waffles looked back and forth and whispered to Twilight. "I don't know who told you that, but rest assured that I haven't done that in years. I'm a legitimate business pony."

Twilight flashed him the puppy dog eyes. *sigh* "Oh, dammit. Just give me their names, half an hour and three hundred bits. Come to the back of the store to get your stuff." Twilight gave him a look that said that's a lot of bits. "What? Do you think I'm spending another seven years in the clink for your silly quest if things go sour."

Twilight nodded in agreement, gave him a list of names and departed the store with her friends.

Half an hour later Twilight trots to the alleyway behind the comic store a trench coated figure steps into view.

"Where's the bits?" the stallion asked nervously while looking back and forth.

"Right here." Twilight lefts a bag from her saddle bag. "Do you have my information?"

"Right here in this manila envelope. On the count of three you slide the bits to me and I'll" slide you the envelope."

"1, 2, 3" the two said in unison as the switch went off without a hitch. Twilight teleported out of the alleyway and the stallion went back into his store.

(Both Alternative endings take place from this point.)

"So, Twilight what's the super special plan you have for making those icky picture makers sorry." Pinkies said while bouncing around Sugar Cube Corner.

"Well, Pinkie from the information I have received earlier today I have concluded a great many things. Apparently it's taboo and wrong in human society to feel attraction for the equine form, so I will send their "art" to their places of work, families and friends. The next phase is while they’re humiliated, I will have their utilities like electricity, water and cable cut off and I will end it with having all their mail sent to the middle of nowhere."

"Ooh, that sounds neato Twilight, but where's the middle of nowhere?"

"Apparently it’s in a place known as Nome, Alaska."

On Earth in an office building a man named Meehoff Jackson was giving his proposal for expanding the parking garage.

"...and as you can see here the new garage space would allow employees easier access to the main building and lower traffic outside the office. Here we ha-" He pointed to Power Point when instead of the rest his presentation, his Not Safe For Work Pony folder appeared and displayed all of its "contents". Needless to say his fellow co-workers and supervisors were shocked and disgusted by the parade of cartoon smut. He panicked and tried to disarm the situation. "UM...WAIT, THAT'S NOT MINE. Someone's playing some kind of a cruel joke on me." He tried desperately to convince the already judgmental group. He had hoped that they'd buy his excuse, that was until a self insert image of him porking several cartoon horses appeared in what appeared to be some kind of sick wish fulfillment scenario.

There were many reactions from the crowd. Some yelled out homophobic slurs and insults against furries, some were dead silent, a great many were confused, a few thought the whole situation was hilarious, and a couple were angered and disgusted. Amongst those who found no humor in the situation was his boss.

"Boy, that done there was the most disturbin thing since mah nephew read Sweet Apple Massacre out loud durin Thanks Givin dinner. Ah need ya to get yer shit and get outta this here office, pronto." His boss said his his thick Texan accent.

"but...I've been with this company for five years, sir you just can’t fire me for some pictures I posted online. I have r-" He was interrupted by Mr.Tex.

"Listen ah normally wouldn't give a rat's ass and not give ya a reasin, but the moment ya personal life mixes with the company, then its mah problem son. That's all, now git."

He walked to his car to find all four tires have been slashed and toothpicks have been jammed into the door locks. "This is horse shit" he mutters to himself. He reaches for his cell phone to call for a tow truck only to find that his service has been disconnected. "Fuck, why is this happening to me?!" he yells in the parking garage before deciding to walk to his apartment.

He looks up at the sky. "At least is not rai-" a thunder roars as the sky opens up and drenches him in rain. He begrudgingly makes it home he opens the door to see that power is out, he walks through the door when all of a sudden two purple legs of an equine form rear back and collide with his nads at full force sending him back and on to the ground.

Thud

"aghhh...ahh..fu..ck...It's feels like one of them popped...arhhh...shit" He said wincing in pain and then blacking out.

He got up about five hours later and found nothing around his apartment resembling a tiny horse.

The next day and seven hundred miles away another secret deviant is having similar issues. He was speaking in front of Congress when a video display behind him showed footage taken from his home began to show his "alone session" with his computer, some lotion and his Deviant Art account. The Senator shocked, left in a very undignified manner as the video was showing his old wrinkly self moaning Fluttershy's name. He rushed past the news crews and concerned citizens and managed to get into his limousine.

"Frank take me home."

"Okay sir." His driver said with a lisp and then laughed manically, locked the doors and punched the throttle.

"HEY, YOU'RE NOT FRANK!!! You're -" The driver turned his head and revealed a familiar face tattoo.

"Mike Tyson, Kid Dynamite at ya service and these pony creatures said you did some disgraceful things. Know I ain't one ta talk, but a nice yellow one offered to help my poor pigeons and a purple one paid me to kidnap ya and force ya to listen to the poetry I write for my birds for the next eight hours."

"You're not going to punch me? You’re just gonna make me listen to you read for eight hours?"

"I'm a man of peace now." Tyson said as he cooed to his favorite pigeon named Freckles in the passenger seat.

The senator cringed at the idea of listening to his voice for more than two hours let alone eight and let out a high pitched wail as they drove off down he road. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"

Ten hours later

Two cops stand over the body of the senator from the previous scene.

"Briggs, that's the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life. I have never seen anyone chew their own ears off in all my 29 years on the force." He sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

"Eyup, I wonder what wonder what would make a man do that?"

"Whatever Just call it in."

Across the Earth clop pic and fic makers were being punished in various passive aggressive to mildly violent ways. The one thing they all had in common was all their mail and postage was rerouted to a Nome, Alaska Waffle-House. The owner named Jim Waffleson went behind his restaurant secretly to burn more mail and keep any money and credit cards and to meet with his Equestrian counterpart.

"This is great, dude. I mean look at all this shit. This calls for a Broofhoof" Jim said while extending his arm for a fist bump to which the stallion accepted.

"Yeah, I know we can buy gold with your human credit cards and cash and split the profits 50-50." The orange maned pony said as his human doppelganger counted the profits.

"This works well for both of us. You can afford to close that crumby comic book store and I can afford to leave this stinkin frozen hell hole town and move to Columbia and clone Mila Kunis."

"Care to join me for some evil laughter?" Remarked Waffles.

"Don't mind if I do."

The man and the stallion let loose the same exact maniacal laugh. "Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

Back on Equestria

Twilight smiled at a job well done as she was finishing a letter to the princess.

"Um, Twilight are you sure you don't want me to write the letter?"

"No, Spike. Plus I'm just about...done." She said as she signed the parchment. "Here you go, say why don't you and I go for a picnic?" Twilight asked in a motherly tone.
Spike sent the letter. "That'd be great. We haven't had a day off together in weeks."

In the Castle in Canterlot, Celestia received Twilight’s newest report.

Dear Princess Celestia

I learned that sometimes love and tolerance isn't always the answer and sometimes you need to use tough love in order to save peop..err ponies from themselves. Oh, and that there are somethings just need to burn.

~ Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

The End

Alternate ending number 1

This is to be read right after Twilight gets her information about humans from Waffles.

On Earth a private Lear jet was boarding its passengers. There were thirty bronies and pegasisters on the plane. There was a banner attached to the ceiling that read "Welcome to Equestria Daily's Best of Pics and Fics Competition." The contest winners were making idle conversation before takeoff.

"This is exciting, man. I can't believe my fan art of Celestia *censored* Twilight with a *censored* while Luna * heavy censored* in a bouncy castle."

"I'm just as surprised that my fan fic about Celstia *extreme heavy censored* the cmc's while a *censored* Twilight and Trixie *censored*."

"Hey I wrote a clop too."

"Me, three."

As more of the passengers start to announce their single common thread they all shared, a lone pegasister started to put the pieces together and made a realization.

"I think it's weird that we all seem to be clop fic and clop art writers and artist. The other thing is that we all write with the princesses and Twilight as the characters."

"Maybe it's coincidence." One of them called out.

"Do you guys remember entering any type of contest?" she asked only to receive replies of no from the crowd. All of a sudden the metal retraining bands clapped down on their arms and, legs and heads.

"Hiya, this your captain speaking and-"

"No, Pinkie I wanna be the captain and let go of my wheel you have your own.-"

"But, Dashie my wheel is sticky"

"You did that with your bucket of cheap candy."

"Anyway this is your captain and I'd like to thank you for choosing to fly Equestria Air." Rainbow said as she flicks a switch on the instrument panel that released sleeping gas into the passenger cabin. The jet then taxied down the runway and took off.

15 hours later

The plane landed in Turkey and there Dash and Pinkie paid off some Turkish cargo inspectors and police officers who just happen to be fans of the show (just go with it).

The Jet's passengers woke up dazed and confused over what had just happened, when all of a sudden a troop of heavily armed police officers busted into the little plane. They were rounded up outside and then the head of cargo investigation team stood forward.

"You People are here by sentenced to 20 years in prison for trafficking heroin across our borders."

"What heroin?" asked one of the bronies who only received a quick jab in he gut with the butt of a riffle.

"Ahhrg..." he moaned as he rolled over in pain.

The head of security revealed thirty oil drums "This heroin!" He opened the lid of one of the containers.

They were marched to a large police truck and they spent the next 20 years in a wide awake nightmare as they soon found out that in Turkey prisons don't fuck around.

Back in Equestria

Twilight smiled at a job well done as she was finishing a letter to the princess.

"Um, Twilight are you sure you don't want me to write the letter?"

"No, Spike. Plus I'm just about...done." She said as she signed the parchment. "Here you go, say why don't you and I go get crunk?" Twilight asked in a chipper mood..
Spike sent the letter. "That'd be great. We haven't had a day off together in weeks and booze is great for my flame glands."

In the Castle in Canterlot, Celestia received Twilight’s newest report.

Dear Princess Celestia
I learned that you should never go to a Turkish prison and that people are stupid enough to believe anything.

~ Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia looked at the report with mild confusion before joining Luna for another coop session of Battlefield 3.

The End

Alternate ending number 2

This is to be read right after Twilight gets her information about humans from Waffles.

On Earth fifty bronies and pegasisters woke up what appeared to be a space ship.

"Aeg...what happened? I mean one moment I was *censored* to my clop pics and next moment I'm here. Wherever here is." One mutters aloud

"Where am I?"

"My head hurts"

"What's gonna happen to us?"

The prisoners one by one become awake and wonder about their surroundings. When all of a sudden the video monitor flicked on revealing a middle aged man with an American flag baseball cap sitting on a throne of money.

He stares down the camera and speaks or rather yells. "PRAY, TO YOUR LORD AND MASTER, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MICHEAL BAY!!!!" A lightning strike booms behind him.

"You are all a rocket with a set destination, but first I, The Great and Powerful Michael Bay wishes to amuse myself. I, The Great and Powerful Michael Bay will randomly pick one of you to be strapped to a speed boat load with 200 pounds of TNT and crash through an oil tanker and land in a cemetery all while the national anthem plays. So, let's begin. Eeny, meeny, miny mo, I wonder which of you my speed boat you will go." He said in a sing song voice as he flicked hi finger through the rocket's hostages.

His finger ended up pointing at a really skinny and weak looking creep.

"Looks like lady luck smile upon ye." Bay said as he had a guard remove him from the rocket.

20 minutes later at a large fishing dock.

The weakling known as Todd was strapped into the harness of the boat. Michael Bay flicked the toggle switch of the remote that controlled the boat to the on position. The boat's engine came to life and let loose a low pitch rumble from the back on it.

Our gun ho director gunned the throttle and away the watercraft went, bouncing off waves and up a head the oil tanker was visible as well as the ramp leading towards it.

VROOOOOOOOOMMMM

The engine howled as it jumped the ramp and scrapped along the sides of the tanker and the sparks igniting the petroleum vapor.

BOOOOOMMM

The shock wave made the glass on the buildings closest to the shore rattle and break. The flaming wreckage sank under the water as the black smoke cloud whipped in the wind. The stunt was going better than Michael Bay had hoped and with the home stretch in sight he made the boat speakers play the American national anthem as the small craft hit the cemetery Bay detonated the TNT within its hull.

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!

The boat and its contents were sent outward in a mangled mess of metal, fiberglass and flaming limbs as well as a large chunk of the holy ground from which the explosion took place.

Now back on the space ship. Bay was done with his fun and launched the damn thing...into the sun.

Back in his mansion in Hollywood Bay was talking to the pony who hired him over his payment.

"I held up my side of the bargain, now I want my payment."

"Fine, Mr. Bay here is your 80 gas tankers, 50 circus midgets and 3000 kilos of coke." Twilight said as she conjured them all out of thin air.

"Good, now I need my daily hooker to snort coke off of, now. Gorgo demands it."

Twilight tilted her head. "Gorgo?"

"The demon that lives in my dick that demands I feed it nickels."

Twilight leaves this bit of insanity and go back home to send a letter to the princess.

Dear, Princess Celestia

I learned Michael Bay is excuse my language bucking weird and that maybe I overreacted and condemned fifty people to live on the sun. People can live on the sun, right?

~ Your faithful student Twilight Sparkle

I thought this meme comic was relevant:

Derpy Joy and a Special Gift

A/N: This gonna be my Derpy/Ditzy Do chapter. It's almost completely harmless, There is special gift at the end of the chapter. This dedicated to anyone that has ever made a really good Derpy fic and while I don't name specific writers just note if I have commented on you fics this goes out to you guys.

Ponyville had been relatively quiet for the past week and was back to normal sans one less comic book store. In the home of everybody's favorite family, Ditzy Do Whooves was paying some bills online when out of boredom she did what a lot of people or in this case ponies do, she Googled her name and the results were shocking.

"HONEY COME TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND ONLINE!!!" Ditzy called out to Doctor Whooves, who was in the lab trying to find away to disconnect the Human internet and the Equestrian internet. Upon hearing his wife call out to him he ran upstairs to see what all the fuss was about, fearing that Ditzy had found the same scary and deranged fan fics and fan art that other ponies had found earlier that week.

"What's wrong, Ditzy?" He asked in his usual calm demeanor.

"Oh, nothing's wrong. It's just that I searched my own name online and I'm super ultra popular."

"Huh?"

"I think it's that one show from the Hoo-man world about us and on it, me and you and heck even our kids are just background characters, but there is a lot of fan art and fan fiction love for us. I mean sure there is still disgusting and icky stuff, but by and large the hoo-mans love me, they even argue over my name and voice. It's just so, so wonderful."

"Well, as long as you're happy, I think I'll just go back to the lab and -"The good doctor was about to walk out of the room when Ditzy made the puppy dog eyes. The same face that won damn near every argument and even got The Doctor to go on that low sodium diet.

"Okay, dear what do you want to do?"

"I wanna go to the hoo-man world and gave everyone that made awesome fan fics and fan art of me a small gift basket."

Doctor Whooves smiled at her over joyous behavior and always loved seeing her happy. "Okay, dear, maybe we can see if Pinkie and the Cakes would be interested in helping you out with your gift basket idea."

Ditzy gave her favorite stallion a kiss ad trotted out the door. She was outside their home when she realized something very important. ‘How in Equestria am I gonna carry all those baskets. Maybe Pinkie knows a thing about space management. I mean I've seen her pull confetti, balloons and streamers out of nowhere.'

At Sugar Cube Corner Pinkie was putting a fresh batch of cookies into the display window of the bakery, when the gray muffin enthusiast walked in.

"Hiya, Ditzy, what can I get you? Oh, I know muffins, like always and cup of Mr. Cake's awesome coffee for Doctor Whooves, right?"

"Actually I'd like to ask you for a super special favor that's kind of a rather large order."

"Ooh, is it for a party? Is it for-" Ditzy smiled and put a hoof up to silence the energetic baker.

"You remember how our internet is connected to the hoo-man internet?"

Pinkie thought about it and a nasty feeling came from her stomach. "Um...Yes?" She asked wearily.

"Well, I read a bunch of really nice stories and saw some really nice pics the hoo-man made about me and they even fight over trivial things like my name, voice and appearance. Long story short I wanna make a muffin and candy gift basket for my favorite story writers and fan art makers."

Pinkie felt a rush of joy. 'Maybe they aren't all bad.' She thought to herself before answering Ditzy's question.

"I'd love to help you and it'd be nice to make something instead of beating the stuffing out them. "

Back on Earth

That one Cupcakes writer after days of shock therapy torture had admitted that technicolor ponies don't exist. He was free to go and things were going well for him until he walked into a McDonalds and saw the Happy Meal Display.

"Ponies, ponIES, PONIES, PONIES!!!!!!!!, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA" He ripped off his clothes and ran out of the store into oncoming traffic.

He woke up seven hours later in a full body cast. He looked to the bed next to him and it was twelve year old girl getting a birthday present, she opened it up and it was that odd light purple Celestia figure. However, what he saw was a demon doll looking back at him when he saw the plastic toy alicorn. He started panicking and tried to scream as his mouth was wired shut all while mashing the nurse call button.

"My little pony...I used to wonder what friendship could be..." The child sang the theme song as she enjoyed her new toy which only caused the Cupcakes writer to panic more with every passing second.

A few hours later Pinkie and Ditzy had finally finished baking all those muffins and put a few pieces of candy made by Bon Bon in each bag. Pinkie and Ditzy were cleaning up and getting ready to leave.

"Pinkie thanks a lot for you're help and telling me the secret of space management and bending quantum physics. As thanks I promise free shipping and stamps anytime you need it."

"Okie dokie, lokie." Pinkie responded as Ditsy walked out the door, ready to spread the same kind of joy she had received earlier that day.

Mr. ***** was waking up getting ready to do something social and hang out with friends. He knew that while Ponies are fun, it was still important to maintain and healthy active lifestyle both mentally and physically. He heard a knock at his door to which he opened it ready to greet the unexpected visitor. However, nothing could prepare him for what he saw standing before him. It was Derpy as he knew her from the show.

"HOLY CRAP, IT'S, IT'S DERPY!!!" He gave the gray mail mare a hug.

"Hi, I wanted to give you this for making that really nice fic about me and my family." She handed him a paper bag with two banana nut muffins and several small hard candies.

"Thank you, do you wanna hang out?" The writer could suppress his fanboy squeal as one of his favorite cartoons was there in the flesh.

"Sorry, but I got a lot of deliveries to make, but just know that the ponies of Equestria read fan fics and look at fan art." Ditzy was about to disappear when she called out. "Oh, and for the record it's Ditzy Do." She giggled as vanished out of thin air.

Ditzy felt like the gift giver on Hearths Warming Day with all the joy she brought people both bronies and pegasisters and all the hugs and praise she received. She even autographed a few custom plushies and fan made figurines. It was good to know that she affected so many lives in a positive way. Throughout the day it played out like this:

"Wow, it's Ditsy Do, could you sign my head?"

"Derpy is best pony."

"Tell, the doctor I said hi."

"Muffins are even better than waffles and cheap hooch."

She even got to meet artist like Madmax, Slugbox, John Joseco and the people behind that Doctor Whooves/ Ditzy Do radio show.

It was late that night when Ditzy came home. The doctor was just putting Dinky to bed. Ditzy placed several bags on the dining room table.

"What's that you've got there?" The Doctor asked his favorite mare before embracing her.

"These are presents from the fans."

"Presents?"

"Yep, there are figurines, fan art and stuffed animals of you, me and even a few of Dinky and Sparkler."

"Well that's good to hear. I bet Dinky can't wait to see them, but right now let's go to bed."

They were about to leave the kitchen when Ditzy noticed the scorch mark near the stove.

"What's that?"

"Well, I maybe a great scientist and clock maker but apparently there is one thing I can't do and that's cook to 'save my flanks' as Sparkler put it so politely. So we ended up ordering out for diner." Whooves laughed nervously as his wife shook her head and let out a small yet adorable laugh.

The two talked for a little bit and went to bed.

The end

What else happened that day.

Fluttershy was out of town visiting relatives in Cloudsdale, leaving her rabbit in charge. Angel faked interest in his owner's words as she gave him rules to follow while she was away. As soon as she was out of sight, he cranked up the stereo and grabbed a bag of sticky icky from under his bed and proceeded to get blitzed out of his mind. He then heard a knock at the door. He freaked out thinking it was the five-0 and put out his joint and and tried to clear up the smoke from the room before answering the door. He looked outside and saw nothing but a large package with his name on it marked from Opal to Angel.

Unbeknownst to him there was surprise in the box. Since Equestria exist on a parallel plane to Earth and there exist many human counterparts to many ponies. It was safe to assume there was a human equivalent to Pinky Pie. While it just so happens that Pinkie's human counterpart is a seven foot tall linebacker for the Miami Hurricanes. Whom just happens to be a huge Fluttershy fan and is very angry with the white rabbit.

Angel takes the ribbon off of the box and outburst Perry Piekinski. You would've sworn the sound of a freight train could be heard as he tears through the package and lunges for the bunny.

"YOU ANGEL!?!!"

The rabbit slowly nods.

"YOU SLAPPED BEST PONY!!!!! NOW ME AM GOING TO BREAK YOUR ASS IN TWO!!!"

Perry smashes Angel against a tree all while the linebacker hums the Giggle at the Ghosties song.

Angel is given a brief reprieve from his beating.

"NOW, LISTEN YOU LITTLE FUCKER, YOU STEP OUT OF LINE ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BE FLOSSING MY TEETH WITH YOUR SPINE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!"

Angel hastily nods in hopes to that huge hulking beast would let him live.

"OKIE DOKIE, LOKIE. NOW JUST REMEMBER, GET IN MY PATH AND YOU'LL FEEL MY WRATH!!! NOW, EXCUSE ME, ME AM NEED TO VISIT SUGAR CUBE CORNER AND MAKE CUPCAKES!!!" Perry said as he disappeared to Ponyville's premier bakery to which he scared the hell out of Pinkie, but eventually the two became friends because let's face it, you sure as shit don't want to be Perry's enemy and he went back to Earth after having a wonderful day of baking cookies and treats with Pinkie and hunting down and beating up ponies and creatures like Flim, Flam, Prince Blueblood and Gilda all to a bloody pulp.

A/N:I promise that the next chapter will be my Sweet Apple Massacre revenge chapter.

Peace Out.

Sweet Apple Ass Kicking, Flim Flam Vengeance and Celestia's Skateboard Justice (Edited/Fixed...wow...this early chapter had major grammar errors)

A/N: People will be maimed and if you think I maybe going too far, just remember fictional or not writing about the types of actions depicted in SAM is wrong and extremely fucked up. SAM is the fan fiction equivalent to A Serbian Film.

I am not going to go into great details about what's in the grim troll fic, because it took a lot of brain bleach to remove a lot it from my mind.

This is the chapter a lot of you have been waiting for, so without further adieu, enjoy.

It has been several weeks, since we last checked in on the ponies of Equestria, It was a bright sunny day and everything seemed wonderful, but little did anyone know disaster would befall Ponyville's "favorite" group of rascals. The three were doing what they did best and that was look for their cutie marks, but today was a slow day and the three collectively decided to check the Equestranet for ideas and they stumble across an article that looks interesting. It said Sweet Apple Massacre.

However, they read the title as Sweet Apple Mass Acres. They all had the same thought. 'Well, the farm is pretty big.' They continued reading with the look of terror in their eyes and stopped at the part where Mac rips off Scootaloo's wings. Unfortunately at the same time, the real Big Mac suddenly trotted into the room.

"Howdy girls wanna go down to Sugar Cube Corner for a snack, my treat." Mac looked at them with his trademark gentle smile, but when they look back up at him they could see was an evil deranged monster and ran out of the room with tears in their eyes and let out a shriek of fear in unison.

To say Mac was confused would be an understatement all the big gentle giant wanted to do today was give his baby sister and her friends a reward for not breaking anything this week. Mac saw that the PC was on a text file and read the story. As the minutes passed, Mac for such a calm and non-violent stallion was getting angrier by the each terribly written, mean spirited, disgusting and hurtful line. He loved his kin deeply and heck he even had a soft spot for the CMC's, so the idea of him doing anything to hurt any of those things sickened him and filled him with boiling rage. To make matters worse, it wasn't the only story of this subject matter.

Earlier this month he had heard through the grape vine, that there was a disturbance in the force that caused a bridge in dimensions. Mac just chalked it up as a bunch of hoopla.

"Ah need to teach these varmints some manners an' some discipline." Mac said in a tone seething with anger, but the first thing he had to do was find Applebloom, Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo. He had to undo the damage the fic had caused before he can even think of opening a big ol' can of whup ass.

He opened the door to Bloom's bedroom and he didn't see them, but what he did see was the bed shaking like there was something underneath of it. He bent down to find the cmc's with the look of terror in their eyes. Mac himself felt his eyes water at the scene. 'They're afraid of me, the idea that ah would ever think of doin' those things makes mah heart hurt.' Mac thought to himself before clearing his throat only to feel his voice crack as he tried to speak.

"Sugarcube, ah don't know what makes you think ah'd do those those kind of things, but ah can assure ya'll three that that was only a scary story made by someone that doesn't know me, our family or your friends. You three need to believe me when ah say that ah care about all of you and would never do anythin' like that evil Big Macinbad." Mac spoke more in these few minutes trying to console the fillies than he in the entirety of the past week. One by one Applebloom, Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo got out from under the bed and Mac being the type of guy he is wiped their tears and brought the three of them into a hug.

"Ah need to take care of a few chores, but when I get back I promise ah'll take you three out for some cake at Sugar Cube Corner and then to Bon Bon's House of Fudge."

"Big Brother, where are ya goin’?"

"Ah, gotta take care of some errands in town and I'm be back later this afternoon." Mac said while thinking of how he was gonna give those folks what they had coming to them.

The three children trotted out the door and went outside to play, bouncing back with the type of reliance that children tend to have. Mac turned around to walk back inside when he saw Applejack, whom also had an angry look plastered across her face.

"Ah take it you read the story too, ah reckon."

"Yep, Mac and ah also saw how you tried to fix things with Bloom and her friends. My only question is what in tarnation would make anypony err...ah mean anybody write somethin' like that."

"Ah think ah should go to that Doctor Whooves feller and figure out what to do next."

"Ya mean 'we' right? "

"Ah'm sorry Applejack, but ah need somepony to watch the over them. Plus ah got some ideas for how where gonna take care of some of them and ah need ya'll here to help carry them out." She was gonna argue with the large red stallion, but she knew he had a point.

Mac got to the Whooves family home and when he got there he found a note on the door.

We are out of town this week; we won't be back till this Tuesday. Sorry for the inconvenience,

Signed, The Doctor.

"Horse apples." Mac muttered before thinking of an alternate plan. 'Maybe Twilight can help me?'

Mac then made a beeline for the library and went in to talk to the purple unicorn. He told her about what happened, she knew this had to be hard on him, she knew some of these hoo-mans were deranged but that fic sounded downright disgusting and they needed more than just a series of psychological punishments.

"Mac, I can help you and I know you're angry, but just promise me you won't let your anger take things too far." Mac nodded as Twilight started getting things ready to send Mac into the hoo-man world.

Meanwhile on Earth (Sorry, I don't have a better transition for these types of scenes.)

Cops theme song starts playing(here!)

"Cops is filmed with the real men and women of law enforcement."

Back on Earth we meet a couple of cops whom let's just say were the human counterparts to two members of Ponyville.

They were on their way to a call at a local petting zoo where a man is "having relations with the zoo animals" as dispatch described it. The suspect is extremely unstable and there are families around the area.

The camera focused on the officer in the driver's seat of patrol car. "Yeah, I've been working this beat for the last seven years and officer Sparklestein over here..." The officer behind the wheel pointed to his female companion. "...have been helping keep the streets safe from criminal scum for twelve years." The words on screen displayed the officers’ names as officer Spike Thornwhip and Sergeant Twilight Sparklestein.

"We get a call like this every once in awhile, some guy gets inebriated and decides he wants to expose himself to the world."

The two pulled up to the gates of the zoo where several officers there already. The duo walked to the petting zoo area while unholstering their non-lethal arsenals. They stopped when hear grunting and what they saw was the worst disgusting thing mere mortals will ever see in their lives. I feel so sorry for that poor sheep.

That one cupcakes writer glared at the officers as they drew their weapons and stopped what he's doing. The animal scurried into the corner of the pin hooves tucked in rocking back and forth in the fetal position. "Tazers? Ha, ha. Mere electricity won't harm me for I am the rightful king of Equestria!!!" He said in a drooling, delusional rant.

"You heard the man officers. Light him up," ordered officer Spike.

"I said I can't be har-aAHHHHHHHHHHHAGHHHGAHRGHHHHHHH" he says only to be interrupted by his own yells of pain as 10,000 volts are passing into his lower extremities.

The other officers give each high fives as Sergeant Sparkstein and officer Thornwhip load the sick bastard into their patrol car...

Back in Equestria

Thirty-six minutes later Twilight had finished her teleportation departure and return spell for Mac.

"The spell will bring you back in exactly eighteen hours.”

"Eeyup."

"Any questions?"

"Eenope"

Twilight cast the spell and with a flash of light Big Macintosh was gone.

In front of the Double Deuce bar, It was a slow night so management had Dalton monitoring everything outside. The bouncer was prepared to take on everything, but nothing could prepare him for what he was about to see in the next coming minutes.

A flash of light appeared in the parking lot of the bar. Once the smoke cleared, there stood the form of a familiar red stallion.

Mac surveyed the area and saw a mode of transportation and it's rider. Mac approached a very large biker. "Ah need yer jacket and your darn here motorcycle."

"OH MY GOD, IT'S BIG MAC!!!" The biker squeed with delight as his favorite cartoon horse was there. 'This is so awesome, I'll give him the bike and report it stolen tomorrow.'

"Here take my bike and jacket. I mean how often can you say a pony just took your bike?" Mac put on the black jacket, got on the Harley, whipped out a pair of sunglasses and took off down the road. It was more awesome because George Thorogood and The Destroyers was playing on the radio.

Dalton who had just witnessed this event and transaction opened the door of the bar and yelled out to the barkeep. "Stop putting Oxycontin in the booze, god dammit!"

Mac had a list of names, some ideas of his own as well as a few ideas from Twilight Sparkle.

Mac wanted to start with the small fish in hopes of getting the big the fish scared, so he focused on a couple of spin off writers. The scenario pretty much played out like this.

*knock, knock, knock* "SAM writer?" The scrawny twerp got up to answer the door.

"Yeah, who is it and what do you want?"

"It's Mac and ah'd like to have a few words with you."

The writer got pissed, angry that someone was interrupting his alone time with Paula Palm and her five friends and answered the door. He opened the door. He saw a very angry looking stallion in front of him. "Eep!" was all he could mutter before having his face kicked in.

Mac checked his pulse. "He's still alive, now on the next targets." Mac said to himself as he moved out from the doorway in very robot manner.

The next writer had written Sweet Apple Massacre and was working on a direct sequel where Applejack and Mac both get in on the action as they proceed to mutilate and torture more foals. Mac wanted to make this punishment special, so he found the greatest bad ass and rock star on the planet to help him out.

At the time a five hundred pound man child was sitting at his computer eating a plate of fried mayonnaise balls and sweating while he ate his disgusting meal. He lived his sad little life forever alone as the boulder from Raiders of the Arc. He heard a rumbling and at first he thought it was heart trying to force blood pass the clogged arteries, but the sound was something from the outside and it was getting louder as whatever it was, was approaching fast.

CRASH!!!!!

The south wall of his bedroom exploded as a sight that no one had ever witnessed before appeared before the terrified blob. It was Ted Nugent and Big Macintosh inside Ted's Ford Bronco monster truck.

Mac got out of the back of the truck. "Thank ya kindly for the lift Mr. Nugent."

Mac looked the nerd in the eye whom at this point was clenching his chest preparing himself for the upcoming heart attack.

"Ah don't have to tell y'all why ah'm here."

"I-it w-w-was just a story." The writer tried to justify his actions.

Mac stomped on his left arm and the sound of a crack could be heard.

"That was just a broken foreleg. Now listen to me, cause ah'm only gonna say this once, if ya ever write anythin like that again..." Mac composed himself for what he was going to say next. "...an' ah will personally FEED YA, YER OWN LIMBS!!!" Mac said while giving the writer a swift kick to the ribs.

Mac looked at the writer and still reeling from controllable anger he decided this punishment wasn’t good enough. He looked back and Nugent in the truck. "Mr. Nugent ah need y'all to take this here thing to most miserable and dangerous place ya'll hoo-mans can live in, and thanks again and as ah promised ya'll can hunt one hydra in Equestria."

"No worries, Mac I know just the place." Nugent then turned to the writer. "Ay, tubby I hope you like sunny Overtown, Miami. Ha Ha Ha." Ted took off as pieces of debris fell off the truck. (A/N: Overtown and Liberty City Miami are extremely nasty areas of the city. If you've been in the city you'd know that there is tourist Miami and stabbing Miami. Seriously, parts of it look like Baghdad)

The Mac-Attack wasn't over and he still had time before the teleportation spell would bring him back home. It decided it was time to teach some more lessons.

A group of pale sickly looking nerds woke up to find themselves tied up in a warehouse with a single light overhead. Out from the shadows stepped Big Mac.

They couldn't believe their eyes.

"Ah'm usually a farmer, a friend and a brother, but right now ah am a very cross stallion that's fixin' to whup your asses for these here stories you wrote about me and mah kin. Now ya might think AJ is the only Apple that knows how to work a darn lasso, now mah work might not as fancy as hers but it'll get the job done."

"What are ya gonna do to us?" One of the writers asked as he was being shushed by the others.

"Ah was gonna kick yer asses, but ah the kind of guy that's quick to forgive, so y'all are just gonna watch a few episodes of this here show called My Little Pony..." Mac said with a smirk the stallion had done a little research about his enemy. "...generation three and three point five and the bunch of yall can watch this for the next seventy-two hours."

"Please have mercy, Mac." One of the writers cried out in fear as the the others shared his opinion.

"Yer god has mercy, ah don't. Good bye." Mac stepped out of the warehouse. Just as he closed the door you could hear G3.5 Scootaloo's shrill voice.

Mac trotted towards a garbage can and inside was a guy who wrote a really disturbing sequel to Sweet Apple Massacre set in Appleloosa. Mac had special plans for him.

Back in Equestria, deep in the Everfree forest Mac lugged the unconscious writer towards the river. Mac called forth to its resident that lived nearby.

"Steve, ah got someone to keep y'all company."

"Heeeeeelloooo, what have you got there." Steve Magnet the flaming river serpent announced his presence. Mac knew Steve from his apple deliveries. 'Nice guy, but a little too talkative and touchy feely' Mac thought to himself.

"Remember how, ya'll were goin' on and on about bein' forever alone, well...I found this here feller whose exactly that way, 'Forever Alone' so have fun." Mac left his unconscious cargo in front of the purple and orange serpent.*wink, wink*

Mac went back to Sweet Apple Acres and took his little sister and her friends out for candy and frosted treats like he promised and went online to find some brain bleach they could all share. FYI: it was YouTube videos of The Ultimate Warrior ranting in old wrestling promos.(here)

Later at Ted Nugent's Mansion after Mac let him hunt in the Everfree.

"Diner is ready. I can assure you this is something you ain't ever had before." The rock star/hunter called to his diner guests as they proceeded to gather around the table as the chefs brought in a very large serving tray on placed it on the table and removed the lid. They guests were shocked.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?!?"

"Roasted hydra head with the giblets cooked inside for flavor, not much white meat sadly, but the flesh is very tender and it cooks like gator." Ted exclaimed to those gathered around the table.

They all had a really good diner and some of the guests took some of it home in a doggy bag.

Three days later at the warehouse

Two cops stand over the bodies of several nerds.

"Briggs, that's the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life. I have never seen anyone let alone several people’s faces contort into permanent rage faces “He sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

"Eeyup, I wonder what wonder what would make anyone you that?"

"Whatever, just call it in." Biggs Looked at the DVD player across from the bodies, pulled out the disc and examined it. 'My nephew loves that My little Pony show.' He put the disc in his pocket and like the video from The Ring it went on to cause more death.

The End

The Continuing Adventures of Perry Piekinski Linebacker Equestrian Ass Kicker

The Flim Flam brothers were planning their next scheme.

"Brother I think we sound try to sell a monorail to the folks of Mane-phis"

"Excellent idea Flim, but what's a monorail?"

"I'm glad you asked, dear brother..." Flam was about to break out into song when Perry Piekinski burst out of an oak tree with a large kaboom sending splinters everywhere.

"FLIM, FLAM?"

"y-y yes?!?" The brothers said in unison as they stared at the hulking bi-pedal beast wearing clothing of orange, green and white.

"APPLEJACK'S FARM IS HER FARM!!!" Perry yells as he pumps his fist in the air. " PAIN TRAIN'S COMING, WOO WOO!!!"

Perry charged at them as they were charging up a teleportation spell and grabs their horns and snapped them off. he then rammed his fist of justice into Flim's screaming mouth and ripped as his teeth loose. He took their horns a shoved them where the sun don't shine.

"PERRY HOPES YOU LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY." Perry skipped down the road looking for something else to maim and the stallions lay on the ground writhing in pain with their horns up their asses wondering who/what the hell was that and why did he beat the shit out of them.

Out of sight Perry hid behind a tree and held a locket with a picture of Trixie in it, "Me am gonna make blue pony mine." He says to himself only to feel nasally breathing behind him, it was that one nerd pony from Fluttershy's assertiveness episode. Perry of course grabbed the pony in a sleeper hold and threw him over the tree line past the horizon like a football. The sound of a satisfying crack could be heard from the same direction.

What else happened that week

A group of teen dragons were hanging out at a skate park harassing a couple of Terra or Earth dragons. If these douche bag teenage dragons looks familiar it's because they were the very same group that was picking on Spike, but more on that later. The group was comprised of Garble the leader, Pink-eye the albino, Stonie the hemp loving long haired purple slacker and Chubs the fat one. The smaller flightless dragons ran away in tears.

"HA HA HA. This is so awesome...I'm...I'm bored now." Garble said as the novelty of insulting elementary students was worn off.

"Ooh, I know we can go back to my cave and listen to my Fish records and get baked."

"Nah, we could go get something to eat at McGemstone's, maybe get a My Tiny Cub figurine!" exclaimed Chubs

"Lame, we should go shove the park janitor, knowing he can't legally shove us back." Pink-eye said with a smug look on his face.

"That idea is winning, we can--" Garble and his crew were interrupted at the rare sight of the alicorn Princess Celestia was catching air in a golf cart all it sailed off one of the many ramps of the park. The tires screeched as her majesty steps out sporting a pair of shutter shades.

Thorn and his crew were stunned.

"Hello handsome, now this is that part where I beat your scaly arse." The royal princess said in her usually calm demeanor.

Garble looked behind him to see that his so-called friends had high tailed out of there.

"I shall take your skateboard and cram so far up your arse, that you shall be referred to as luggage lips."

She finished her speech and bucked the dragon in the gut and used her magic to throw his ass through a nearby half pipe. She wasn't lying about sodomizing him with that skateboard. The solar goddess had many reasons to do this, yeah he insulted her and her friend Spike, but what really pissed her off was how much death he and his dragon cohorts have caused to the Phoenix population. When she was done she flung him pass the horizon.

Meanwhile on the far side of the country

The Crackle family was having diner when the red bloody and bruised body of the jerk dragon fell through the roof and into their living room.

Prince Blueblood was in the kitchen feeding Crackle Jr. when he witnessed this event. He called out to his husband. "Dear, could you please call an ambulance for the drake and our home owner's insurance."

Crackle sighed. "GRRRUUUOOBLLLEGGRRRAAAARRRP."

Translation: (This is the second time this week. I'll get right to it, darling.)

If you’re curious, the other teenage dragons got their asses kicked and went to a juvenile detention center. Their parents were pissed when they had to deal with the court fees and the idea of how much their kids have gotten out of claw.

You're in the Care of Lyra and Bon Bon / Griffin Feathers

You're in the Care of Lyra and Bon Bon / Griffin Feathers

Lyra and her roommate Bon Bon were just chilling out when out of nowhere Lyra's weird rule 63 clone/boyfriend Guyra burst through the door. Guyra was a very odd being and at first ponies didn't know what to do with him and after a long debate with Celestia he was given his rights even though he was never technically born, but that's a tale for an another day. The aquamarine stallion had the look of excitement on his face.

"You'll never guess what I found online."

"Let me guess is it something NSFW?" Lyra said as who knows you better than yourself.

"Yep babe and it stars you and Bonny." He said with a devious smirk on his face.

"Well, that's nice, wait WHAT?!?!"

The two mares followed Guyra into his office. They saw what he was looking at and when it was over their faces were flush and they were angry with the shear amount of fillyfooler clop fics and pics of themselves. The only pony that was fine with this was the unicorn stallion. He may have been created with magic, but he was still a guy and he had that one fantasy most guys had hardwired into their brain.

"We have to put a stop to this Lyra. I can't imagine what will happen if my Caramel finds out about this." Bon Bon said as she feared what would happen if her sweet, innocent and clumsy Caramel Apple found out about these sorted images and pictures.

Meanwhile at Caramel's apartment on the other side of town while he was indeed all those things she said Caramel had a few secrets. He was secretly in a speed metal band called Violent Ecstasy and was finishing some sound editing for their latest single: Lick My Love Pump. He had been up all night getting the track to sound just right and was lucky that it was his day off from work on the farm.

"Now that, that is done, I think I'll check out Bon Bon's store website." He looks up Bon Bon's International House of Fudge and is assaulted with a myriad of lude pics and fics that had his girlfriend in them. He looked like a kid who was trapped in a candy store and let out a rather large "squee" as he viewed them. 'I wonder if they know about this? Screw it who cares, now where did I put that flash drive?'

Back at Lyra and Guyra's home.

"...I bet Caramel would never engage in that kind of behavior." Bonny said in a very indignant tone. The other two just rolled their eyes.

"We need to put a stop to this immediately. Oh, but who will watch my store?"

"I can do it. Now, you guys go ahead and take care of those jerks and I'll sell the candy." Guyra said as he convinced Lyra and Bon Bon to go on their quest for revenge.

"I'm lucky to have created you." Lyra said as she threw Guyra into a passionate kiss, which made the candy marked earth pony a little disgusted as she was still not used to the whole 'my best friend is dating her rule 63 magically created clone thing.'

"See yah later babe." The mint colored stallion said as he walked to Bon Bon's shop to sell some candy. Once he got there he whipped out his cell phone and called up his brother from another mother Caramel.

"Dude did you see the clop of Bonny and Lyra?"

"I know man, it's friggin sweet."

"You do realize that Lyra is technically me, right?"

"Ummm...fuck. Way to kill the moment now I can't enjoy most of this. You really suck."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway wanna go get baked in the back of the candy store later?"

"You know it. See you there man."

Bon Bon and Lyra sat on a park bench trying to decide on what to do next.

"We can't attack all of the writers and artists, there are so many of them. Plus a lot of them just don't realize the gravity of situation." Bonny said as she was usually the more logical and for a lack of a better term 'down to Earth' one of the duo.

"I do wish we could humiliate the guy whole created the shipping of us."

"Holy, Hay Bonny I just had a great idea! We need your camera and access to photo copier." Lyra had a great idea that was so simple that we'll take a short break to bring you the next segment.

Back on Earth

That one Cupcakes writer was on the run from the cops after breaking out of jail. He finally had an idea to get his own revenge for why his life was complete shit. 'Faust must pay for what she has done to me.' He thought to himself trying to coax some semblance of logic from his brain. 'Just first I'll gonna need a goat skin, a machete and a guide who speaks Whu-Tu.'

Hours later he clad in a goat skin and seemly forgetting about the Whu-Tu speaking guide as the disheveled writer stood outside the gates of Faust and Cracken Manor. He crept past several armed guards and made his way inside towards her study. He slowly opened the door to see an office chair pointed away from the door and towards a large stained glass window. the only light sources were a office lamp on the other side of the room and the flash of lightning from the storm outside as the booms of thunder could be heard ever so often,

He knew the chair was occupied as if the occupant had expected his arrival. He proceeded into the room with his machete drawn. CRACK. That was the sound heard as the writer was hit in the head by an unknown assailant. He fell to the floor unconscious as his attacker stepped out of the shadows. It was a familair face, it was Bloo from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends holding a ball-peen hammer.

"What do you wanna do with this thing?" The blue Pac-Man ghost looking creature asked the figure that slowly rotated its chair around to show that it indeed was Faust.

"Take him to the place were all bad bronies go."

"I think, that's going to far, dude. Not that."

"Yes, that." Faust said with maniacal laughter as a well timed lightning strike added dramatic effect to her laugh.

A few hours later

The Cupcakes writer woke up in the most horrifying world he could think of, it was... the world of G3 Your Adolescent Horse, the shittier Korean knock off version of G3 My Little Pony and even the knock of had a slightly better version known as G4 Your Adolescent Horse: Companionship is Devil Worship. This sucked and it was like a thousand hells rolled into one.

Every character looked vaguely familiar only none of them had anything useful to say. It was all just smiles with vacant expression and giggles. 'Fuck, my life.' Those were his final thoughts as he was mobbed by these retarded paste eating Technicolor donkeys.

Several mutated deformed baby horses were in a field giggling and chatting about inane things.

Book Enthusiast baby horse was hugging a dictionary with the same soulless vacant expression. "Learning, yay!"

The Boastful and Exaggerated Trisha baby horse was eating pine cones. "Trisha better than Book Enthusiast." She said before eating more pine cones. That one Cupcakes writer is sitting by a tree with a scar on his forehead.

"Glitter...funshine...horse pun...party...party...party........paaaaaarty..." He mumbled while drooling as if he was the unfortunate receiver of a brain removal operation.

Back in Equestria and back to the main story.

"This is a great plan and the best part is no buddy gets hurt." Bon Bon saw that Lyra was packing a baseball bat. "err...Lyra what's the bat for?"

"Oh, this? It's just my trusty negotiation tool." Bon Bon shot Lyra a glare that could freeze fire. "Fine I'll put it back."

"Empty your bag Ms. Heartstrings."

Lyra begrudgingly did as her friend asked and out fell a hammer, a pair of brass horse shoes, a cinderblock and a bundle of C4. Bon Bon was beyond words.

"What?" the teal mare shrugged.

"Anyway let's go to Earth, find the guy responsible for shipping us and clear our names."

A young lady was walking into her apartment when she was knocked unconscious

She woke up 20 minutes later to a very odd sight but one that was becoming slightly more common on Earth as more and more writers and artists were attacked, went MIA and in few cases were given gift baskets. She saw Lyra and Bon Bon her favorite ponies.

"Lyra and Bon Bon? This is awesome. I think you guys look so great together...err why am I tired to a chair?"

The two had originally come to humiliate this person and expected some lonely thirty year old fat nerd to be responsible for the origin but they were shocked when they found out it wasn't a brony. Regardless lessons had to be taught.

"We're upset that you started the whole shipping craze that concerns us. You see, Lyra and I aren't actually like that." Bon Bon said to the confused pegasister in a calm manner whilst Lyra still wanted to kick some ass.

"What are you guys gonna do to me?"

The lights were flicked off and her torture began...it was the slide show from Lyra, Guyra, Bon Bon and Caramel's vacation in Santhay Cruz, Coltifornia last summer. The lady was very confused over the Guyra creature. Lyra spent another two hours explaining his origin. The slide show was the equivalent to water torture and it lasted for seven hours. By the time it was over the pegasister's mind was broken and only sputtering out sentence fragments and words.

"Beach...tacos...massage my back...Caramel got it in my mane...forgot hotel key...Guyra.....dolphins...sea-ponies...hovercraft full of eels..." The woman said while drooling with her eyes wide open in shock.

Lyra turned to Bon Bon. "I kinda feel bad about that. I didn't think a small seven hour slide show would do any harm."

"I think we need to do something nice for her."

"Ooh let's give the most interesting thing in world from that one TV commercial from Earth. It has something to do with staying thirsty."

The duo went to a liquor store and brought back some Mexican beer and placed it next to the mind crushed pegasister.

Outside the apartment

"Ummm...Bonny?"

"Yes?"

"Let's never speak of this again."

The Earth pony nodded. "Speak of what?"

"Exactly."

"Let's go home. I wonder how Guyra's day went?"

"He's probably getting into to trouble and talking my poor Mel into joining him." Lyra just rolled her eyes obviously she knew more about the two chuckle heads they call boyfriends and in her case she could almost read her aquamarine counterpart's mind.

The two friends decided to head for home.

Back on Equestria in the backroom of Bon Bon's International House of Fudge, two very high stallions were having the time of their lives.

"...like I was telling you dude...I can't get away with nothin, it's like she can read my mind." Guyra said as he took another hit from the bong.

"Man, I'm lucky that I get to live like Jem; rock star by night and simple farmer by day."

"Shhh, shhh, I got a joke for you. Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." The two fell over laughing.

"Dude, you’re like the best friend ever." The bell of the shops door rang signaling that there was customer. Guyra pried himself off the bean bag chair he transformed from a bag of flour and walking out of the room while the tan stallion was still laughing about the joke he heard earlier.

Standing in the doorway was his better half and Bon Bon.

"Ummm...you guys are back early. Did everything go alright?"

"Things got accomplished more or less, let's just say our plan was more Blueblood than Celestia, if you get what I mean. We don't really want to talk about it." She said as she nuzzled him. 'He's been toking up again, it's adorable how he doesn't think I know.' Lyra thought as she caught the scent of his breath.

"I think I'll go get a broom from the backroom and tidy up a bit before closing up shop." Bon Bon called out as she trotted to the back of the store.

CRASH

A very stoned Caramel stumbled out of the back and ran out the door of the candy store whist being chased by his special somepony. "CARAMEL FRANCISCO APPLE, GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!" Unbeknownst to the other two Bonny have found her boyfriend eating all her most expensive dark chocolate imported from the Griffin Kingdom.

The other two couldn't really hear much after that since all they could hear was sound of their own laughter.

What else happened that day

Gilda was chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool when she saw what becoming a more familiar sight in Equestria. It was Perry Piekinski human linebacker charging toward her. The best way to set him off was to make Fluttershy cry and Gilda had an ass kicking that was long overdue.

"FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOU!!!" He yelled as he ran at the griffin and let's say that for the first time she was scared shitless as he grabbed her by the tail as she tried to take off and swung her into the ground.

She let out a loud sound that was nothing like supposed cool creature she claimed to be, in fact come to think of it, it was closer to the sound of fowl you might find on a farm.

"BAGAWK"

Just as he was cramming his fist down Gilda's throat. Perry's Perry Sense is tingling which means something needs an ass kicking, he paused the merciless beating he was giving the griffin and watched the latest episode which was the one featuring Gabby Gums and he decided it was time to teach Diamond Tiara a lesson in being a better pony. Perry finished watching the show and went back to attacking Gilda in which he proceeded to punch and wail on her. He finished by kicking her in the ribs and grabbing some trophies and by trophies he meant ripping off Gilda's tail, several large bundles of feathers and damn near all her teeth before he went off to deal with Diamond.

Half an hour later Perry arrived at the Rich household in Ponyville and bust through the door terrifying the well off family of three inside. The stallion was the first to speak.

"P-please take anything you want just spare my family."

Perry chuckled. 'If me am had a nickel for everything me bust through someone's house and they thought me was there to rob them, me'd be filthy rich.' He thought to himself while shaking his head.

"Me am major in child psychology and me am here to fix mean filly. Here is my card." Mr. and Mrs. Rich was stunned like their prayers had been answered the got up and graveled at the human's feet.

"Thank Celestia your here, thank you, thank you. We just can't control her anymore."

"But, daaaad."

The married couple left the house and was thankful that Diamond was someone else's is problem for a few hours.

Perry turned to Diamond. "We are gonna have a chat, now let's talk about school..."

2 hours later

Diamond's parents came back to their home and made a mental note to get a new door. They saw their daughter actually behaving and working on an apology note to the members of the cmc's. Perry went to Mr. and Mrs. Rich. "Her problem me believe is that she craves attention and you two are never around so she acts out and she lashes out at others because she is insecure with her own special talent."

Perry turned to the camera. "What you think me was gonna tackle a child? Me am not a monster."

Later that day he took all the items he had received from Gilda and made them into a cloak and necklace combination. He place it in a box and gift wrapped it. Perry was on his way to The Great and Powerful Trixie's to confess his weird feelings for the blue unicorn.

If you’re curious what Celestia was doing that day, she was busy being awesome. Her schedule was as follows:

7:00am- Make prank phone calls to the dragon prime minister

8:30am-Snowboard in Lava canyon.

11:00am- Enter cake eating competition.

2:00pm-Skydive while fighting grizzly bears.

3:00pm- Do boring Princess politician stuff.

6:00pm- Hang out with Lulu.

8:00pm Go out with Discord

"It's good to be the princess." She thought to herself at the end of the day while she lay in bed exhausted next to the god of chaos.

A/N: Guyra is owned by Deviant Art user Veggie55. I promise you guys I'll give you an ultra violent chapter next time, but I like to balance things out.

Rainbow Factory Fun and Lyra Strikes Back.

A/n: Sorry for the delay. I was sober for the past two months and I have a hard time writing sober, also add in job hunting and college into the mix. I'm back on track now.

It had been about a couple of weeks since the last time a pony had discovered a horrible work of fan fiction. Today Rainbow Dash had been asked to foalsit Scootaloo as her dad Horsepower had taken a double shift at the nursing home. She didn't mind foalsitting Scootaloo for the day. Plus she kinda had a soft spot for the orange filly whom worshiped the ground she walked on, which in turn made her job a lot more stress free. She figured all she had to do was tell Scootaloo a couple stories about her awesomeness, show off her Wonderbolt memorabilia, let her play with Tank, order a pizza and put her to bed till her dad picked her up in the morning. "Totally easy." She muttered to herself.

"Hey, Rainbow it was awesome that you would let me hang out with you today."

"Sure thing squirt, let me show you my trophy room dedicated to my greatness." Rainbow lead the filly down the hall to the room in question and once inside the area light up like Celestia's sun. There were tons of trophies and ribbons ranging from Best Young Flier to Best dressed at the VMA's.

"Wow, your even more radical than my dad which is pretty awesome! They say he's the best at what he does even though I'm not sure what that is all I know is he comes home smelling like old ponies and denture cream." Scootaloo shrugged.

Meanwhile at Shady Oaks Retirement home

"The voices won't stop!" a light blue elderly mare yelled while wearing a bed pan on her head. The other orderlies tried to get her to calm down, but sadly none of them were experienced or powerful enough.

Nurse Coldheart knew it was time to unleash the big guns and with a swift flick of her hooves she sent the call for him.

The ground quaked and rumbled and out of the hallway stepped Horsepower. The stallion charged the old mare, delivered a swift haymaker to her jaw sending her to the ground completely unconscious. He left the room temporary and returned with a tray on his back and shouted to the lobby full of elderly ponies. "IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR PILLS, OH YEEEEEAH!!!"

Back in Rainbow's Cloud home

Rainbow was on her PC because she needed to take care of one small work related errand before she could continue playing with Scootaloo. The rainbow factory needed a new supplier of rainbow juice and her task was to look up new possible candidates, get prices and report them back to the main weather office in Cloudsdale. "Done in ten seconds flat." She told herself. Of course if you've read any chapter in this fic, you know it isn't that easy as Rainbow discovered a certain fic during her search and even though every rational thought told her it was a bad idea. 'When have I ever been rational? Go big or don't go at all.' Those were final thoughts before plunging into The Rainbow Factory.

"Hmmm yadda yadda...Spectrum....BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...killing rejects...can't fucking breathe....BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Rainbow grabbed her sides while laughing; it hurt so good. Eventually the prismatic maned mare calmed down long enough to catch her breath. Scootaloo walked into Rainbow's study curious over the loud obnoxious laughter she had heard while playing with Tank.

"Remember those humans?"

"Yeah?" The filly said while trying to repress old memories of that fic she read on the apple farm.

"Read this, you'll love how they think Rainbow juice is made and what they think pegasi do, well that part made me a bit angry, but you'll get a good laugh from the rest of it." Scootaloo hesitantly trotted over to Rainbow's computer and began to read.

After only ten minutes Scootaloo had tears rolling down her face from laughing so hard her laughter was infectious as Rainbow whom had just calmed down was chuckling so hard she couldn't inhale the oxygen to make the sound of laughter, but after about fifteen or so minutes they eventually stopped enough to inhale life giving air.

"Dash that was one of the bestest, funniest things ever and the most hilarious part was it was supposed to be a horror story. I mean really that one namby pamby zombie pony fic Applebloom was telling me and Sweetie about was scarier than this and that's not saying much."

"Hey squirt, at least we have Nightmare Night costume ideas."

"This was great maybe you should forward it to the rest of the weather team."

"Not a bad idea, let's pull up theweatherfactory.ponyville.gov and let's link this to everypony's email. Hmm...there's Thunderlane, Cloudkicker, Cloudchaser, Flitter, Blossomfourth, Starburst, Spectral Spike...." She started naming off the members of the local weather team.

Scootaloo was getting a little impatient. 'I wonder what ever happened to that one hoo-man Mac let hunt in the Everfree forest.'

Deep in the Everfree forest a Manticore laps at the lake quenching its thirst, birds in the nearby trees are chirping as a gentle breeze passes through this piece of untouched wilderness. The whole scenario is quit peaceful if not extremely beautiful.

"These are the moments you truly live for, just look at that majestic creature. Well...let's blow its damn head off."

KAPOOSH

The rock legend Ted Nugent climbed down from the trees to inspect his quarry.

Back at Nugent Manor

"A fine addition to my secret trophy room." He said as he placed his thirty ought six back on the wall and took in the entirety of his surroundings there were the mounted heads of sixty panda bears, the skeletal remains of a hydra, Mayor McCheese and the head of a CHUD.(Readers go watch CHUD, here's the trailer and it's available on Netflix instant)

It was still early in the morning sunlight struck the face of Thunderlane causing the stallion to slowly awaken. He was careful not to wake the three sleeping forms from underneath the covers as he got out of bed to take care of his daily ritual.

Ten minutes later he closed the bathroom door and on his way back to his room, decided to check his email.

"Let's see what do we got here? Spam, spam, Equestria Daily newsletter and oh a massage from Rainbow, but wait there's a link." Thunderlane had started reading the Rainbow Factory and after a short nine minutes he was hysterical as he laughed harder than ever before mostly due to fact that he had to intern at the actual rainbow factory in cloudsdale and knew first hoof how boring it actually was to work there.

As his fit of giggles died down Flitter, Cloudchaser and Blossom Fourth came into the room.

"Come on back to bed Thunder." They cooed.

Thunderlane briefly thought of obeying his groupies/girlfriends. "Hold on, you gotta read this."

The three mares sat down as began to read the story and by the time they were done they too had a broken down from laughing too hard.

"That was retarded, like a cheesy 80's horror film." Blossomfourth said as she stifled back some giggles.

"Yeah, I mean Rainbow dropped out of flight camp, remember?" Flitter recalled their time as fillies in flight camp where Dash decided she was "too cool for school" and thus earned her dare devil license that day.

"Spectrum sounds like a crappy off brand energy drink."

Thunderlane burst into the room doing his best Charlton Horseton Impression. "SPECTRUM IS PONIES! WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM SOMEHOW!!!" The four of them got a good chuckle out of it and then they all had waffles and went back into Thunderlane's room for round four.

All over Ponyville it's weather team members and resident pegasi were getting a kick out of the fic. Even some of the higher ups who worked at the rainbow factory figured they could make some money by setting up a type of hunted house there on the next Nightmare Night.

Nopony was offended mostly because most of them knew rainbow juice was made from minotaur ghost chili peppers, taco shells and powdered punch mix. There was nothing deadly about it, well unless you're allergic to cantaloupe.

The worst thing that happened was a pegasus named Raindrops who while on a delivery to Manehattan burst into a fit of giggles causing her to drop the cart of Pianos on a sickly earth pony named Marina at the Morris family reunion, luckily hardly anyone was hurt.

It wasn't actually a bad day because everypony couldn't take the fic seriously and got a good chuckle out of the story. The only real issue was that now that anypony saw a rainbow they had a strong urge to laugh and quote The Rainbow Factory.

Back at Shady Oaks Nursing Home

It was bingo time and as you can guess the nursing home had its loudest employee was in charge of calling the numbers.

"B52, YEAAAH!!!" He bellowed as one of the old ponies had a heart attack and was carted off by EMT's. "ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE, YEEEAAAH!!!!!"

As Horsepower was calling out numbers in usual overjoyous manner his mind went to why he was working so much recently. He was taking on extra shifts to buy Scootaloo her birthday present a trip to Galaxy Studios, Coltifornia and two tickets for a live show of Epic Cupcake Time which was their favorite show. Some parents read to their kids, some teach them to ride a bike, but the large white pegasus and his little filly liked to watch four grown stallions and a celebrity guest weave hay bacon, drink, drop f-bombs and then gorge themselves on a calories nightmare from the deepest depths of Tartarus. Plus it helped that Horsepower looked kinda like one of the host. 'FATHER OF THE YEAR, YEEEAH!!' He smiled as he continued to called out bingo numbers.

"LEFT HOOF GREEN, YEE--" He was interrupted mid-scream.

"This is bingo not Twister you idiot." A voiced called out from the back of the room.

"DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR ASS, YOU OLD BITCH, YEEAAHH!!!"

"I am an ass, you roided up moron." She stood up to reveal she was indeed a donkey. The rest of the room was silent because they knew someone was going to the infirmary. Sure enough Horsepower galloped off the stage and grabbed the donkey mare and put her in a sleeper hold, knocking her out.

"PROBLEMS?" He said as he turned to the group that witnessed what had just taken place.

"Nope, I never liked her anyway." The elderly diamond dog was tapped on his shoulder.

"Dominick, I thought you two were friends?" Whispered an equally decrepit unicorn from behind him.

"Nah, at least this way I can go into her room and steal the comforters from her bed."

The two heard more shouting and knew the game was starting again. "F42, YEEEAAAH!!!"

So the night continued as Nurse Coldheart placed another plaque on the wall that read: Employee of the Month, Horsepower.

Learning about how rainbows are made wasn't the only Hoo-man incident that happened that day.

Lyra had been looking for a present for her niece's birthday coming up next week. 'I know dolls. You can't go wrong with that all three year olds love dolls, hell even a certain twenty-seven year old red stallion loves dolls. That's see what pop up when I do a quick search for unicorn dolls...' Lyra went through about three search pages when she saw it. "...blah, blah, blah...Lyra sex doll auction, wait? LYRA SEX DOLL PLUSHIE?!?! WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK?!?!" Sure enough the mint green unicorn had stumbled upon "that doll."

Lyra took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Okay, I am calm, I am the sea, I am a MOTHER FUCKING SEX TOY!!!" Apparently Iron Will's relaxation stress relieving tapes didn't work because she was still extremely pissed off about the whole situation. "Okay, I think I'm done, but honestly the lesbian porn I can kinda deal with as well as the smut, but come on? I don't know what's worse the fact that somepony err...somebody bought it or it sold for one thousand bits in Equestrian currency or the fact that's a guy making love to the same material you'd find on a sweater."

"That's it, I'm gonna find out who sold it then kick their ass, then I'm gonna find out who bought it and teach them why it's wrong to be creepy. Now, where'd I put my negotiation tool?" The unicorn got her baseball bat and printed out the address of the guy who won the auction.

She was shocked when she saw the address, so shocked that her brain had to reboot itself. "B-but that's Guyra's address. Oh that is it, he is gonna get it." She sneered, but in reality she had no idea what she was gonna do, because after all what do you do when your significant other buys a sex doll replica of you? First thing’s first she needed to go to Earth, England to be exact to have a nice long chat with the maker of the toy.

Ding Dong

A pasty white human was stitching together his latest creation an anatomically correct doll shaped like Lumpy Space Princess. While working he was humming Art of the Dress heard the door bell ring. "Who is it?"

"Candy gram for Nigel Rodgers."

The creepy young man stopped his sewing machine and ran to the door. "Nigel like candy."

When he opened the door there wasn't candy of any sort but something far better in his opinion as he looked at the mint colored unicorn with a disturbing twinkle is his eye. "Oh, boy Lyra is here to pleasure me."

Lyra had an idea. "Take me you gross, fat monkey man." She cooed and as Nigel got closer she grabbed her "Negotiation" tool with her magic and hit him square in the goolies with enough force to shatter his pelvis sending him into his flat and right into his sewing machine scattering bobbin, thread and fleece all over the ground. The unicorn whipped out a bubble pipe and tried to do her best impression of Hani-bull. "I love it, when a plan comes together." (Cue the music.) (A/N: I used a generic sounding British name because I didn’t want to use his real name, but I am aware the guy who made it is from England.)

(Back in Equestria Lyra still had some unfinished business.)

Three loud knocks at the door came from the door of the apartment that housed Guyra.

"Hey, baby what's goin’ on?" the mint colored stallion said as he stretched out the sentence in a lighthearted sleazy tone.

Normally Lyra would have laughed, but she had anger in her eyes. "Um, Lyra what's wro--"

She cut him off. "Where is it?!"

"Uh, where's what?" Guyra had no idea what his girlfriend was talking about.

"The sex doll, you fucking pervert! What am I not enough for you? Is this some kinda weird fetish? What?!"

"I don't have any idea what you're accusing me of, the only doll I think I have in here is my new cell phone cozy that Caramel sent me. Oddest thing it came with pants and underwear, which is funny cause we don't normally wear clothes and what's really weird is it kinda looks like a misshapen vision of you." Guyra said with full earnestly in his voice.

Then it dawned on her. First off Guyra is innocent and second Caramel is a douche. She soon apologized and explained to him that that doll isn't for cell phones. The two left Guyra's apartment and decided to pay Caramel Apple a little visit.

Late that night Bon Bon was putting a bag of ice on her stallion's black eye. In the intervening weeks she got to know the secret side of Caramel Francisco Apple. Bonny normally would have found such behavior uncoof, but with Mel, he it made her excited to know he wasn't just an Apple farmer and he was still full of surprises. That was the case usually, but this evening all she could think of doing was knocking some sense into her boyfriend; that was if Lyra and Guyra hadn't already done that.

The moment the ice pack touched his eye the tan stallion yelped in pain. "Damn that hurts, couldn't they take a joke?" He winced once more was pressure was applied to his injury.

"My poor Melly." Bonny cooed as she rubbed his back and had let her protective instincts kick in while she took care of him.

What else took place that day and by that I mean what was Perry Piekinski doing during the events of this chapter?

The burly human linebacker stepped out of the shadows and into the room where twenty creatures mostly ponies, a few dragons and two zebras stood at attention waiting for him.

He looked over the creatures and began to speak trying to fake a southern accent. "We're gonna be doing one thing and one thing only and that is attacking generic OC's."

"Unoriginal original characters have sprung up around Equestria throughout the multi-verse making love to, killing, and fighting ponies. They've been pushing hard for too long and it's time to push back."

"The OC will be sickened by us, the OC will talk about us, and the OC will fear us. They ain't got any originality."

"Every pony under my command owes me one hundred poorly written OC scalps and I want my scalps."

"Sound good?!"

One of the stallions stepped forward. "Uh, sir we're here for the cooking class."

"Oh, that's in room 27B, this is 27A." Perry explained as all but six ponies remained. He looked at his remaining recruits. There were Truffles, Ace Swift, Mrs. Cake, Doctor Stable, Doughnut Joe and Carrot Top. 'Not, quit the dirty dozen, but this'll have to do for now.'

"This isn't the cooking class, nor is it the Spanish class scheduled for 2:30. This is the Attack Bad Original Characters Meet and Greet and Activity club."

The six ponies just stood there. Mrs. Cake broke the silence. "We know dearie and we want..." Mrs. Cake and the others in a brief flash of light were now clad in the gear of the Colonial Marines. "...to bring the pain."

Perry for the first time in his life was shocked. "Um, okie dokie lokie."

The seven of them used Perry's "borrowed" Star Gate and began their journey to beat the shit out of any tortured depressed soul looking for acceptance or any creature with a generic action verb and or color as its name.

Most of them found it odd how violent the thirty-two year old baker was as she brought the pain. She was attacking a dark blue pegasus named Turbo Skies with a broken table leg. The rest of the group just stopped and starred at her. "What? I don't get out much." She said with her trademark warm smile as she continued to wail on the stallion.

It was a long day because what the group realized was that there were a lot of ponies with the word Sky as their name. The only easy thing was finding them in the first place and that was because of their crippling depression, tacky color choices and relation choices. After everything was said in done they went to a little restaurant at the end of the universe to celebrate.

If you were curious what Celestia and friends did that day, well wonder no more.

The offices of Firaxis Games were eerily quiet and the team behind the Civilization series was planning their next games and expansion packs. Suddenly the doors explode open.

BOOM

When the smoke cleared there stood two alicorns and a draconequus. A security guard approached them.

"Um, w-whatever you guys are, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask to please leave the premises."

Without a second thought Discord snapped his fingers and the guard was transformed into a hacky sack to which the god of chaos bounced around before losing control and causing it to nail the water cooler on the far side of the room.

The three made their way pass the cubicles and to the offices of Sid Meier. Luna and Celestia tore the wall off the room to gain entry.

Luna produced a two by four, Discord created a steel folding chair and Celestia brought nun-chucks.

Discord whom needed to be the center of attention. "Boys, you in a mess of trouble." He said in a fake southern accent.

The three proceeded to beat the crap out of Sid, as well as the producer and lead designer.

The still conscious producer Dennis looked at the three mythical creatures. "Ugh...why?"

Celestia turned to them."You didn't put us in the new Gods and Kings expansion pack."

"So, since we took the time to get here, what do you wanna do now Celly?" Luna said as the three left the game studio.

Discord chimed in. "Let us go reanimate the corpse of Garry Gygax and play a game of D & D."

That is exactly how the god of chaos and the two alicorn demigods spent the rest of the day. Oh and of course Garry couldn't go back to Earth, so they let him live in Equestria which for the creator of Dungeons and Dragons was dream come true.

In the Garden of Pain and ill Will,

In the Garden of Pain and ill Will,

A/N: This is what you guys make me read. I blame 60% myself and 40% user: (dialgalove) for the suggestion in the first place.

The clock struck 2:00 and the bell signaled the end of class for Ponyville Elementary.

"Okay see you all on Monday and don't forget your..."Cherilee was saying the foals ran out of the classroom to enjoy the weekend.”...group projects." She said to no one in particular.

She went about her day as usual and she had noticed a lot of ponies have been distraught over the last couple of weeks, but she wasn't into gossip. She went home made herself a quick meal, turned on her TV and whipped out her iZap notebook so she could put in the grades for the last test. The last test had its usual results. Her best students like Applebloom, Twist, and Dinky aced the exam. On the opposite side of the spectrum were Snips and Snails which both drew a picture of Trixie.

Once that was done she forgot that she needed to order some plant seeds for her garden because she never fully trusted the Flower Triplets not since high school that plus Cherilee had expensive taste when it came to flowers and plants. She looks outside to her small garden. "I might not be an Apple, but I could give them a run for their bits." She thought out loud as she admired her evening blooming azaleas from her living room window. The wine colored mare though she opened up the sticky notes program on her computer as she absent mindedly typed in "Cherilee’s Garden" and hit enter to leave a blank space beneath it, but she accidentally typed it in the search bar of her browser. The result was an entry titled: Cherilee's Garden.

"Seems harmless, I mean what could be bad about someone writing about my garden."

About an hour later because it is such a long fic to read through Cherilee had a face that was mixture of shock, confusion and anger.

"First off, I like the CMC's well except for the time I ended up in a ditch with Applebloom's brother on Hearts and Hooves Day, but for the most part their good fillies. Second, what kind of theater supply company sells industrial strength acid and torture devices? Last, does the writer think a teacher of small foals would be driven crazy by foals acting like foals?!"

A few minutes passed and she still couldn't think straight. Just as it looked like she was in for a night of restless sleep the universe answered her problems in the form of a commercial.

"We'll be back with My Tiny Cub: Companionship is Sorcery, after these messages."

A picture of the Equestrian flag appeared on screen and the sound of a snare drum could be heard playing "taps". Slowly a familiar form walked into frame wearing a general's uniform. "I'm Iron Will: fitness guru, motivational speaker and star of such films as Minotaur of Honor, Exploder and Terrified and Hatred in Las Pegasus. Well, Brother..." He did his signature arm flex. "...I'm here to tell you about my new service called Fic Busters." He turned to a different camera while zoomed out to show that he had changed location to a study and was now wearing a blazer and smoking a pipe while a set of reading glasses perched upon his snout. "Lately, there has been an influx of creatures dealing with the ridicule that comes with getting such slander and smut made starring them, but what if they didn't have to take it, what if I went to the creators of such CRAP AND BROKE THEIR GODS DAMNED SPINE AND SHOVED A PINEAPPLE UP THEIR AS--"

The camera shook and the scared sounds of the camera crew could be heard in background. The screen went to black when a prompt that read: We are experiencing technical difficulties. After about ten seconds Iron will came back on screen albeit with his glasses broken and hanging of his nose. "I came up with the idea after I read a story that paired me with one of my colleagues, but enough about me here's some testimonials."

The screen faded to a royal guard with his name shown on screen as Lt. Sure Shot. "When I read a story about me in a *bleep bleep bleeep, bleeeeeeeep* with a *bleeep* shoved *bleeeeep* hippopotamus, I called Fic Busters and they stopped all the pain and ridicule." He said in a wooden voice as if he was reading from cue cards.

Then a blue stallion wearing a Wonderbolts uniform whose name was displayed as Soarin' came on screen. "Yeah, when I read that someone wrote a story where I didn't like pie in more ways than one. I called up this fine service and they took care of it."

Last a powder blue mare wearing a wizard's hat appeared on screen. "Trixie was deeply appalled that Trixie was paired with that know it all Twilight. Trixie was more angry that they left out her magnificence and slender, like mere written words could capture even a frac-- " She was cut off by the screen fading to black and Will appeared on screen again this time walking while holding a jacket over his shoulder through a broken basket ball court in an urban setting.

"Our prices are hotter than taking a tray full of cookies and baking them in your ass and like all my fine products I offer a money back guarantee, CALL NOW!!!"

The scene faded to a blue information screen including the telephone number and website as the jingle started playing. "Is there a fic that makes you look like a prick, call me up and their asses I Will kick."

Disclaimer voice rushed through the legal terms. "Refunds must be made after ten days of order and Iron William does not mean donkeys when he mentions ass kicking, Donkey assault is a hate crime and Iron Will and affiliates support the sentient creatures act 1003c, Contact your local official today."

Cherilee’s mind had to take a lot of information like Will must of paid a small fortune for that commercial and his service seemed like the answer to her solution.

After a quick toll free phone call and putting a hundred bits on her credit card and receiving her confirmation number she went back to her grading and visited P-Compatibility to see if there were any matches for her dating profile...

Meanwhile Iron Will whom was in his office and got word that his 3:00 for tomorrow had canceled, but that got quickly filled by a new order via a Miss Cherilee of Ponyville stating her issue is with a guy who wrote a story called Cherilee's Garden.

'It can’t be that bad, probably just another mare offended by another clop fic. Pfft.' Will initially dismissed the story before he actually read it. He had to read every fic and view every image as research for the ass kicking the creator would receive. Hell, in the case of Soarin' he had to read over a dictionary worth of fics and images. 'He paid for my new yacht though.' He smirked as he put on a new pair of reading glasses to get to the task of reading Cherilee's Garden.

An hour later his face was pale as he shakily removed his glasses, got up went to his water cooler got a plastic cup, took a sip and sat back down. He felt unclean. "WHAT. THE. FUCK, did I just read?" Normally, Will went easier on grim dark writers, but this time he felt no remorse for what he was do to the writer of this particular story. "The only thing good about the fic was its grammar."

The only question Will had to ask himself was how he was going to deliver the pain. After a few minutes he got an idea and called for his goat butler named Alfonzo.

"Alf, I need you to get me twenty hooves of rope, yesterday's newspaper and two gallons of glue."

The old goat stared off into space for a few seconds before leaving the room while Will got ready for his trip.

The next day on Earth, more specifically upper-state New York, the author of Cherilee’s Garden was getting out of his mom's Volvo and as he went to open the door to his house the young man was met with a tranquilizer dart to the back of his neck.

Somewhere is Canada, Many Hours Later

The lanky human woke up in what he assumed with a dark warehouse, but he also heard rushing water so he couldn't be sure.

Suddenly a booming voice that sounded not unlike a certain former WWF wrestler was heard. "You wrote a disgusting fan fic and need to be taught a lesson in friendship."

"L-let me go. You don't have to teach me a lesson in anything." The lanky writer pleaded with his captor as a growing sense of fear took over him.

Iron Will appeared from behind the shadows and turned the lights on reveling to the author that he was in some kind of lumber processing plant. "Well as for your punishment, we're gonna find out which is your better half." The minotaur pulled a lever and the whirl of the motor buzzed through the air.

The writer felt his once stationary platform moving slowly forward. He jerked his head back to find that he was tied to a log on a conveyer belt which feed directly into a giant spinning saw blade.

Not even questioning what Iron Will was doing here. His eyes went wide with fear. "Okay, Okay I admit I wrote a gory story and I'm sorry, P-please don't kill me." He said pissing himself in fear of the saw blade as he came closer to it.

"Was that so hard? Now I just need to figure out which one of these levers stops the saw." Will fiddled with the various levers but he only succeeded in making sparks fly out of the control panel and the conveyer belt to move faster toward the blade.

"Wait, WHAT?!?!" The human broke down into tears and started praying to every deity known to man and several known to dolphins.

Just as the writer thought he was doomed, Iron Will punched the blade causing it to shatter into a several pieces. The writer damn near had a heart attack.

"See, brother? Paper mache, a recyclable material, Iron Will is all about being green, brother." Will said in matter of factly tone as he held a large chunk up to the writer to which he snapped a piece of it over the dumbfounded human's head.

"W-what kind of creature are you?"

"A dangerous one. Do not mess with Equestria or be creepy, which ever comes first." Iron Will knocked the author out with a well placed strike to the head. He left the saw-mill and called emergency services claiming to be a scared citizen calling for a Baker Act on the writer. 'End the day by making sure he's put away.' He thought as a phone call would put him in a mental institution.

Here is what Cherilee saw while on the online dating site the night she called Fic Busters.

"Oh, look I got an eighty percent compatibility match; it's from a male human called: Tucker. Let's take a look at his profile."

About 3 minutes later, a million thoughts were rushing through her head. 'I have never seen a bigger sexual deviant in all my life. He's a sexist jerk, he should not be allowed within ten kilometers of an elementary school, he has a kid, and he's confident, maybe I can change him.'

Meanwhile in Blue base a certain teal clad soldier was looking up his matches on the same exact dating site.

"Let's see what we have here. Hmmm, eighty percent compatibility match; sweet." He began reading her online profile.

After about five minutes of reading he was already making naughty teacher jokes that involved the words: cram, session, bow chika wow wow, ruler and extra-credit. It was when he saw her profile picture that he was confused. "Talking horse, huh? Well she’s still more appealing than Tex." He hit the reply button anyway.

As soon as Tucker sent his reply he was sucked into the computer terminal. Nearby Caboose watched all this or would have, but he got distracted by a butterfly and ran outside to chase it.

Back at Cherilee’s cottage she jumped back as the creature she had just seen on the dating site came hurdling through her laptop and smacked into the couch, rolled off of it and knocked over the coffee table.

The two just stared at each other; Tucker was the first to break the silence. "Hey, my name's Tucker, how do you like me so far?"

Cherilee just rolled her eyes. 'That's the worse pick up line I've heard since...well ever and it didn't help that he barreled through my living room.' She thought to herself, but she had to at least give him a shot. "I'm Cherilee. I take it you were on a dating site recently?" She said with her signature warm smile.

Any and all innuendos left the teal clad soldier's mind as he saw her smile. "Y-yeah."

The two of them carried on from there and so began the second oddest relationship in all of Equestria, next to Prince Blueblood and Crackle the dragon.

The Continuing Adventures of Perry Piekinski

Perry spent the day baking with his Equestrian counterpart Pinkie Pie at Sugar Cube Corner. It was his second favorite thing to do besides bring the pain. As he was leaving the bakery later that day, he failed to notice the blue and white fashion photographer trailing him as he skipped through the town. As he rounded a corner his Perry sense kicked in and let him know something was following him.

"Alright, who's there?"

Suddenly he was bombarded with the white light of flash bulbs. When he finally managed to get his bearings he was met with the one, the only and the annoying Photo Finish."You are my next big thing in zee fashion industry."

"Me am got a better idea." He reared his fist back and threw all his weight into his arm as he punched the blue mare in the face.

"Me call that: Perry punching persnickety photographers."

He was shocked when Photo actually got back up on to her hooves. "I Photo Finish as a photographer have zaken many punches and kicks to zee face."

"Okay Me am impressed but how would you like to fly knuckle airlines: fist class?" The linebacker was about to send Photo to Manehattan though the sheer force of his strength.

"Wait, I Photo Finish can pay you five thousand bits."

Perry's reaction was: O_o "Looks like Me am a Model!!! Me need to practice my Magnum look." Perry didn't know anything about modeling, but he had seen Zoolander about twenty times. The human followed the fashion photographer down the road and to fashion history.

As what Celestia was doing that day?

Celestia was cuddling with her favorite god of chaos. She was suddenly struck by an awesome idea.

"Hey Dissy we should form an 80's rock band with you, me, Luna, and Garry." Celestia mentioned Garry Gygax the human they brought back from the dead to play a couple of games of Dungeons and Dragons with a few days ago. She figured, 'why not put him in the band too, I mean it's not like we can send him back to Earth. We ca--.' Her thoughts were interrupted by the figure to her right.

"80's?" Discord said with a confused expression on his face.

"That's right! You and Lulu were either exiled or your case turned to stone. I can fix that."

Half an Hour Later

Celestia had strapped her sister and her boyfriend to two chairs with their eyes held open with scotch tape and in front of them was a large television and for the next four hours they were made to watch EMTV Classic's rock of the 80's marathon.

Many More Hours and Practice Sessions Later

At the Canterlot Mega-Dome, the three thousand seat arena was packed mainly because The Royal Princesses declared that if the arena wasn't packed that Discord would make it rain angry cats or just regular cats.

The four of them were getting ready with Celestia on lead locals, Discord on lead guitar, Garry on drums and last there was Luna on greatest instrument every crafted by mere mortals, the double necked Keytar.

"The synth has been doubled!" Luna squeed with delight.

They were hodgepodge of vinyl, spiked collars, torn denim, frizzy hair, heavy boots, spandex and make-up, by the time time they were ready to perform.

The sixty-seven year old human piped up. "Um, Celestia we look like bondage slaves." He said in an unamused tone.

Celestia was absolutely giddy with excitement. "That's the point!"

The curtains went up and the fog machine kicked on and the pyrotechnics flashed as the four of them looked out into the coliseum full of ponies.

They belted out a slew of hits to a cheering crowd. They wanted more and the four royal rock stars were only happy to oblige.

However, what really happened was that after Celestia got her sister and Discord to watch the EMTV Classic 80's marathon, Garry brought over a garbage bag full of the finest weed to ever grow in Equestria and they got extremely high and played Rock band instead of creating any type of real band. Still not a bad way to spend an afternoon and yes Celestia still dressed up like that.

Image by Deviant Art user: Gabriev666

Spike's Discovery, 50 Shades of ..., King Sombra's Reeducation, Celestia goes to White Castle and a Bonus Short Story

Spike was a teenager and like all teens he was a tad narcissistic, so when he heard about accidental internet hook up between the hoo-man internet and Equestria's internet his curiosity got the better of him and did a little search of his own.

About twenty or so minutes later Spike came to the realization and that is...

"Hoo-mans think, I'm awesome." Spike cheered to no one in particular. He found fic after fic of him getting paired with damn near every mare in town. Of course a lot of those "ship fics" painted him as an emotional and cry baby bitch, but according to the stories, he read apparently he gets more flank than the only toilet at a chili cook off. The stories that weren't about him hooking up with other ponies were about him saving the world and being awesome like the offspring of Con Mane and angry bear made out of guns. Apparently, quite a few writers liked to pair him with a woman called" Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but she was hot so he didn't care. Sure there were the slash fics and grim dark stories that everypony has seen but in general Spike's stories in the words of the dragon himself. "sweet."

'I gotta do something extremely nice for my adoring fans...Hmmm.' The drake thought to himself and then remembered some of the big name contacts he had from Canterlot.

Bronies and Pegasisters all over the world were disappearing and the only connecting thread that tied them together was they all created gratuitous Spike stories and fan art.

A few later at an undisclosed location

It was a dark room and roughly fifty or so bronies and pegasisters were just waking up and were fearful of where they all were and why they couldn't move. They began to question their surroundings and make comments:

“Where are we?”

“Why can't I move?”

“Are these vinyl seats “

“I hear music.”

“What smells so good?”

“Why is it so dark in here?”

“Who's touching me? “

“I can feel the room slightly rocking.”

Suddenly, the door opened and the recessed lighting above them flickered on and revealed to them that they were in some kind of giant lounge with a chilled bucket full of ice and several bottles of some kind of liquor. A small three and a half foot tall figure stood in the doorway.

"I know you're wondering why you can't move and where you are, but don't worry that's just the temporary muscle relaxant that used to get you guys here."

"Here for what, exactly?"

"The super awesome yacht party, I wanted to throw for you guys." He stepped forward to show that the figure was Spike wearing slacks, a dress shirt and jacket along with his white hat. The room let a collective gasp followed by happy cheers and applause for the hero of the Crystal Empire. Spike is all his years never felt as appreciated and loved as he did at this moment. 'Heck they didn't even give me a medal when I helped defeat Discord and when I stopped Twilight from tearing the town apart.'

A few minutes later the muscle relaxant wore off and the people got off the lounge chair toward the door of the room and walked out to a balcony that gave them a few of their surroundings. To say it was impressive would have been an understatement. The yacht seemed like a small ocean liner.

A blonde haired woman turned to Spike. "I didn't know you were rich."

"I'm not, I just have a lot of friends in high places. This boat is borrowed from Hoity Toity, the food is from a griffin caterer I met at a cooking competition and the bands will I just showed up and they agreed to play as long as long as I did some autographs and signed some plushies."

"Wait...there are live bands and that isn't a stereo we heard?"

"Yep, I didn't know what you guys liked to listen to, so I got a little bit of everything. Just head down to the front of the ship and you'll see what I mean."

The most awesome yacht party on Earth took place.

Eventually the party attracted the attention of the United States coast guard. The dancing and merry making stopped as megaphone was heard. "What's all this about?"

"I can explain sir." Spike said trying to defuse the situation.

The crew aboard the Utility boat saw an odd sight of it being their favorite character from one of their favorite shows here on a massive yacht. "HOLY SHIT, IT'S SPIKE!!!" The three men cheered and like a Fanta commercial the abandoned their task at hand and joined the party on deck, but as for protocol they would sink a boat later that day, just so they can explain where they were when their commanding officer asked what happened that day in the reports.

Several Hours Later

The deck was a mess of booze, food, and passed out people. Spike woke up and surveyed the scene. "It's gonna be a pain to clean all this up."

What else happened in Ponyville that day

Rainbow Dash was relaxing on a cloud above Ponyville when she glanced down only to see Twilight wearing a trench coat and sun glasses holding a brown unmarked bag as she trotted out of a book store.

"Hey, Twilight!"

The unicorn jumped as her prismatic maned friend greeted her. "IT'S NOT MINE, I WAS BUYING IT FOR A FRIEND...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ!!!"

To say Rainbow Dash was confused would have been the understatement of the year. "Um, Twi?"

Her only response was a bright flash of light as Twilight teleported in such a hurry that she dropped her bag. Curious, the pegasus picked up what her friend had dropped, flew back up to her cloud and removed its contents. It was simple paperback book with a picture of a tie on the front with the title: Fifty Shades of Grey, The Equestrian Adaptation.

"50 Shades of Grey, hmmm? It's probably some kinda of book of art, pffft." Dismissing the title Rainbow decided reading it couldn't hurt, plus she had time to kill till work started that afternoon.

Half An Hour Later

Rainbow Dash was panting against her cloud, mind filled with lude fantasies, she was abou---

"HIYA DASHIE, WHATCHA READIN'!!!" Pinkie called up to her best friend interrupting her thoughts.

"I...UM...UH....LOOK OVER THERE, FREE CANDY!" Rainbow shouted and just as Pinkie turned her head to validate her friend's claim, Dash took off at mach two and just as Twilight had done earlier as bewildered pony was left behind with a book.

"50 Shades of Grey? Meh, the movie was better, but this book needs a good home." She said tapping her chin. "Ooh, I know the library and Twilight loves to read new books."

With book porn in hoof, the fuchsia celebration pony trotted towards the public library.

Another adventure with Perry Piekinski

The linebacker was relaxing in a hammock near the lakeside home of Magnum and Fran aka Sweetie Belle's parents. Perry had agreed to house sit for the pair as they went another elaborate amazing vacation without their children.

As the human laid there and reflected on what other fictional characters he'd like to beat and or cripple. "Me am think, me will go to The Big Bang Theory's universe...where Sheldon Cooper is real." He began to dream about mashing in the nerd's face with a oar while yelling that, 'real people don't talk this way!'

Sadly dreams must end as Perry felt something poking him trying to get his attention. He opened one eye to see who it was, to his annoyance it was King Sombra. You see for the last month or so the "evil" king had been trying to get Perry to kick his ass. Being a psychology major, it wasn't difficult for the human to understand why the unicorn wanted to receive a savage beating involving a rake. It comes from a simple need to be accepted.

"Look little buddy, You aren't evil enough to warrant an ass kicking, hell you didn't even make a pony cry. Plus, you look like a reject from pony creator, no offense."

"RRRAAAHH ROO RAAAAAAH!"

Translation: No offense taken.

"That's another thing, you can't talk right." Perry shook his head and began to feel even more sorry for the villain.

"RAAAAH!" Sombra bellowed with a sad expression on his face.

Perry couldn't take it anymore and genuinely felt terrible for the poor slavery and crystal obsessed stallion. Then he had an idea so brilliant, you'd think he had been standing in the Crusader Clubhouse.

"Me can fix you."

Using the power of the forth wall and a song parody stolen from South Park, Perry used the power of the montage to whip Sombrero into shape.

It started with teaching the villain how to speak and to accomplish this Perry tied him to a chair and forced him to watch a two day Captain Planet marathon.

"...You'll pay for this ponies!!!"

Next, they worked on motivation. Enslaving ponies was a good start, but sombra learned that it would be better if he did something that would affect the general Equestrian population. He settled for the desire to create a war between the Griffin Empire and Equestria and defeating the victor to ensure global domination.

Last, they worked on his appearance. Tim Gun appeared to redesign his outfit, something less gaudy and more refined, the armor is a nice touch, but the fruity cape needed to go in favor something off white that lulls his enemies into a false sense of security, something that screams I'm honorable, but at the last minute, I'll stab you in the back and murder your entire family.

It was a lot of work, but thanks to the montage it was all done in ten minutes.

Perry turned to Sombra. "Me am think, you are ready."

"Feel the Earth crumble and turn to ash as I, Lord Sombra will destroy everything you hold dear Celestia. I think I shall start with you're little purple pets. I wonder how long they'll last." He licked his fangs as he made his point.

"Very Good, Me am so proud of you." The linebacker wiped a tear from the corner of his left eye. "Now, here's your reward."

Perry took out a cinder block with a chain tied around it and wrapped the other end of the chain around the his hand. He took a powerful swing and started beat the shit out of King Sombra. The evil unicorn tried to run away as the hulking human chased him past the horizon whipping him with his makeshift flail.

What Celestia and her friends were doing

Once again instead of doing any actual political work, the four of them and by them I mean Celestia, Discord, Luna and Gary Gygax, were getting baked out of their minds. The Princesses figured that if it something really important they could just send it to Twilight and make it look like an assignment...

"I'm hungry."

"We can order out."

"Nah, we did last time Lulu."

"How about Taco shack?"

"No, I want something we haven't had in awhile, something that really hits the spot."

"White Castle?" Gary suggested not even knowing if Equestria had an equivalent to the Earth fast food chain.

"Excellent, idea we shall go to The White Castle, home of Baron von Gorgostein. There we shall partake of his never ending chocolate fountain, mountains of onion rings, cheesecakes, so big they could feed a thousand ponies and gorge ourselves of his buckets of yeast rolls." Luna said in grandiose manner.

"Then it's settled we will all go to White Castle, while Candence and Shining Armor foalsit the kingdom." Celestia said making their trip sound official.

Discord summoned a 1975 AMC Pacer, because he wanted them to travel in something that reminded him of himself.

"I haven't seen one of these since...ummm...I forget." They shot him an odd look. "What? I'm sixty nine years old, cut me some slack."

They made their way to the Castle engaged in a amazing off screen fight and played a prank on Baron von Gorgostein which involved chopping off his many regrowing heads. By the time everything was said and done Celestia had never eaten so much cake, Discord had never drank so much aerosol cheese, Luna had passed out in a plate of onion rings and Garry got diabetes from all the sugary snacks he consumed, but it was okay because Discord cured him of his diabetes and his gout.

Bonus Short Story: Why Trixie doesn't trust Wheels

Trixie was planning on returning in Season Two, but lost at Wheel of Fortune and had to work for cash.

The showmare spun the wheel. It landed on $800. "The great and Powerful Trixie would like to solve. Clearly the answer is: Suck it, Twilight."

Pat pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation and let out a deep sigh. "For the last time, it is not 'Suck it, Twilight' and the category is famous place."

Several Months Later

The blue unicorn colt looked back at his new supreme overlord. "Wouldn't it be easier if it had wheels?"

Trixie looks upon the young colt in annoyance. "The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't trust wheels... she has her reasons... Fuck you, Pat Sajak." The angry mare mumbled her final words, while the two colts continued to drag the cart.

Author's Note

Sorry, it's so late.

.Mov Revenge

.Mov Revenge

Sorry for the wait, but here it is, one of the most requested chapter subjects. For fans of the .Mov series, try to take everything in stride and remember it's just a story. Also this takes place before the last .Mov video came out.

Fluttershy.Mov

Fluttershy got up early in morning like she did everyday to feed and look after the animals that called her property home. After she was done she went to her computer and checked her email; it contained the usual confirmation messages that her mane extensions have been shipped and her newsletter from Cuddles Monthly, but today there was a video link sent to her from a user titled: MHDante. Thinking it would be rude not to click on the link and knowing that her safety filters were on, she opened the video.

"Shed.mov? Umm...I have a shed where I keep my animal feed."

Three Minutes Later

"Hu-uh Hu-uh Hu-uh Gluaaaaaaaah!" The now visibly green, butter yellow pegasus wiped her face with a paper towel as her animal friends went and grabbed her a glass of water and some anti-acid tablets.

"It-it was terrible... all the blood and the toaster cozy...um...I'm never be able to face Applejack's cousin LumberJack ever again..." Fluttershy whimpered curled into the fetal position on her couch.

Sadly, the element of kindness wasn't the only one in Ponyville that received the mysterious email.

Rarity.Mov

In the carousel Boutique a white unicorn ordering some fabrics from Bullroot for some high end cotton. When the task was done, she like most ponies checked her status updates, messed around on Thumplr and checked her email account.

"Any link titled Dress.mov is obviously bait...I shall delete this at once." That was easier said than done as the moment Rarity tried to delete the message; it sprung its trap and played its contents.

Of course, the fashionista had a negative reaction to the moving images presented to her and fainted shortly after seeing a morbidly obese version of herself hock a lugey into a cup and call it water. Luckily, her fainting sofa was there just as she was about to pass out.

After her short reprieve into dreamland Rarity awoke full of anger.

"A lady doesn't get upset by such slanderous filth, but...I WILL DESTROY THEM."

*THUNDER CRACKLE*

"Um...Rarity, who are you talking to?" Thoughts of revenge were interrupted as Sweetie trotted into the room curious over why her older sibling was shouting at the top of her lungs.

"Sweetie, I am just having one of my many emotional breakdowns...um..." Seeing that her sister was still in the room, Rarity levitated her purse to her and withdrew a few gold coins. "Here's some bits Sweetie, why don't you go to a movie?"

"Ooh, okay, can I have a few more bits for food there?"

"Fine, now please go I need to uh... work on something very important." The older pony tossed a hoof full of bits to her younger sibling that promptly left the room.

Pinkie.Mov

Like what had happened to the other two elements of harmony, Pinkie was sent a mysterious Youtube link.

"Party.Mov, great I love parties, especially with cake and streamers and chocolate..."

Twelve minutes later, the fuchsia pony had lost all the color in her face and her mane looked like it had been popped with a carpet tac. She just stared at the computer screen, got up slowly gave Gummy a quick pat on the head, picked up her cell phone and dialed the number of a familiar Rock Farm.

"M-mommy c-c-can you...put the phone on speaker?"

"Is everything okay, Pinkie?" The Pie family matriarch took notice of her normally happy daughter's downcast tone.

The pink mare took a deep breath and recomposed herself. "Ummm... c-can you just please put the phone on speaker and bring daddy into the room?"

Roxy did as her daughter requested. "Okay we're both here for you honey."

"What's wrong my little rose quartz?" Clyde asked with concern in his voice.

"I LOVE YOU MOMMY AND DADDY!!!" Pinkie yelled over the phone as she broke down into a river of tears.

Applejack.Mov

"...Okay I love them apples, but I would never do that to Spike and what they did to Applebloom was mighty unforgivable." Applejack deadpanned as she left the room with Big Mac trailing behind her.

"Hey sis. Ya need me to take care of this?"

"Nah, you've had yer fun, now it's mah turn." The orange flexed a hoof into the air.

Rainbow.Mov

Just as the others had done this morning a certain Rainbow maned mare had clicked on a rather disturbing Youtube link.

After Rainbow Dash was done watching an even more obnoxious version of herself on screen doing terrible things and then being mutilated by her oldest friend only to have Twilight and Spike desecrate her corpse, then there was the robot...the damn robot. The blue pegasus tried to form words, but what only came out were broken sentence fragments.

After a few more minutes her brain relinquished two complete thoughts. "What the fuck is this crap? My voice isn't that low is it?"

*yawn* "No it isn't babe, now come back to bed."

Dash turned around to see Special Delivery standing in the doorway rubbing his eyes. "In a few minutes, I'm not done being pissed off and you have to go to work soon."

Twilight.Mov

Finally the purple librarian got the video link and viewed it just like her friends.

"This is not friendship, this is madness. Why I have the urge to--" The purple mare's thoughts were interrupted by several loud knocks on the door.

Twilight watched as Applejack stormed into the library followed Rarity wheeling a still very nauseated looked Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash carrying a hysterical Pinkie Pie.

"Um, hi girls?"

"We'll save the pleasantries for later darling."

"Yeah, we need to talk to ya sugarcube."

"Some jerks, sent us some really gross videos."

The element of kindness was about to say something but she felt her stomach roll once again and Rarity sighed levitating the bucket in the front of her best friend. "Hu-uh Gluaaaah...thanks...Rarity."

Pinkie Pie was rocking back and forth muttering something about the wrong type of party.

"You saw the videos as well."

"That would be puttin' it politely Sugar cube."

"Well, we could talk to the princess about this and --" Twilight’s rational suggestion was interrupted by Rainbow who at this point had grown extremely restless at her friends lack of locomotion.

"This ain't the time for letters to the complaint department, its go time!!! Now this is what we do..." The pegasus gathered the girls together in a huddle position and looked around to make sure no one was listening to her plan. Not that it mattered because like always the Golden Oaks library was completely devoid of patrons.

Twilight could only sigh as she began to listen to her friend's insane action filled bravado; the thing is normally she would have solved the problem, but she remembered a "Friendship Report" about listening to others advice even if it isn't always conventional.

'I wonder what would happen if Celestia and Luna got a chance to see those videos.' She thought as she looked at Rainbow who at this point had forgotten all about the huddle and began to pantomime her idea.

It was just a stroke of cosmic luck or lazy writing that at that very moment Celestia, Luna, Discord and Gary Gygax just happen to be watching the .Mov series. They had just watched a scene were a certain white alicorn got her head bitten off by a certain ginormous draconequus.

"I'm still head over hooves for you honey." Discord nudged his girlfriend playfully.

"Ooh, Tia you shouldn't lose your head over such trivial things."

"You need to keep your head uh...um...I got nothing." The human of the group hung his head in shame for not being able to come up with either a head or decapitation related pun.

Celestia rolled her eyes unamused by the their playful jabs. "Ha, Ha, very funny."

That's pretty much how the rest of the afternoon went for the group of royal friends.

Back in the library, Rainbow Dash at this point was wearing a pair of reading glasses and casual business attire was wrapping up her plans which went from a simple huddle and whisper her idea to a full blown slide show. If anyone asked how, they would've chalked it up to the same force that allows ponies to break out into song and know all the lyrics.

"All right guys, just meet up back here in thirty with the supplies I told you to go get."

The group dispersed and with the exception of Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie went to gather their materials.

Spike was left in charge of watching Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.

(LATER)

On Earth, Los Angeles to be more specific, the four girls were standing in front of Molten Hokey Imp Studios. The lot looked completely devoid of life... well it was till they witnessed a morbidly obese security guard huffing and puffing as he chased three...cats...no wait monkeys...um...dogs, maybe skunks...whatever, the point was this scene was a bit jarring to the four ponies, but it did solve the issue of how they were gonna get inside the studio.

"Damn, and I had us get all this spy stuff." Dash sighed completely devastated that they wouldn't get a chance to go all Splinter Cell for a spectacular entrance. "I mean this really bites. I even got the goggles that make the *boo-oohp* sound."

The other three mares were just happy that they wouldn't have to lug all the heavy gear they brought with them.

After a few minutes, the pegasus stopped whining and returned to the matter at hoof albeit in a very peeved mood. "Let's just get this over with...stupid place only having one guard to watch the... entrance, why I outta......"

They made their way into the bowels of the studio AKA the animation department and the farther they ventured the more it began to look like something out of an H R Giger nightmare. The creepy atmosphere was married by both the feeling that someone was watching them and the lack of any other beings present.

"Um...darling, this place makes me feel rather unclean. How can anypony live in these conditions?”

"Ah don't know Rar, a little paint, less pointless metal tubes, maybe some throw pillows, I think it could look quit lovely."

Applejack got some unnerving glares from her friends. "What? Ah'm allowed to like purty things too."

After trotting down the seemingly endless hallway, they found a surprisingly simple looking white door. As if the decorators' budget ran out at the very end of the project.

Twilight using her magic opened the door and they were briefly blinded by the bright light coming from behind it. Once the four regained their vision they could see before them was...

...an astonishingly plain office building with cubicles, people behind desk, the sound of mild chatter, a glass walled conference room. All in all, it was pretty very standard and uninteresting. All done in that 70's to late 80's international architectural style.

Dash was dumbfounded to say the least. "What the f--"

"Hi, can I help you four with something?"

The four ponies looked behind them to find an amazingly average looking young lady in standard corporate casual attire with a pleasant disarming smile plastered on her face.

"Yeah, this is an animation studio right?"

"Only the finest."

"Yeeeaaah, anyway do you know where we can find the head of the studio?"

"Sure, just go down the hall, take a left, when you get to the water cooler, make a right and his office will be the third room on the left side."

"Um, thanks?"

As the ponies began their quest once again, the helpful lady called out to them. "IF YOU GET TO THE ELEVATORS, YOU WENT TOO FAR!"

Because the directions were clean and because they weren't playing telephone, they found the room marked:

Blank, McBlank
Studio Head, Lead Animator and CEO

Nudging open yet another door, this time without the blinding light, they were met with the sight of room that seemed to match the decor of the hall way from earlier and in the center of the room was a large black chair with its back turned to them. As the first of ponies entered the room, the chair swiveled around revealing a rather ordinary looking young man wearing jean shorts and a polo sporting a slightly menacing grin.

"Welcome to my humble office, did you enjoy your trip here?"

Rarity chose this time to add her two bits. "Well, no. I mean as a designer, I won't judge your taste, but it felt very unfinished at the end and the rest of the building felt very inconsistent."

"Yeah, I kinda blew the entire budget on the hallway, plus you try getting a seventy year old man to come down on a price. I mean re--"

Twilight decided that they needed to return to their original task and interrupted the animator with her own question. "Sorry to disrupt this tale of misplaced finds, but why is everyone so calm here?"

"I pump PCP through the water supply." He stated in a matter of fact tone. "To them you could be anything from a vegetable monster to an amorphous pile of shit."

"Why?"

"For kicks, every once in a while a few of them will fight to the death in a Don Quixote-esque fashion."

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash were speechless. "..."

"Not that this hasn't been fun, but I need to get down to brass tax. Did you enjoy the videos I sent you?"

The mention of the .Mov series brought back all the anger that had seemingly dissipated when they entered the animation department.

The brash pegasus got in the face of hoo-man. "Why, did you send us this junk?"

"A few months ago a certain Cupcakes writer, well technically he wasn't even the original author was sent to a mental institute, yelling about how a blue cartoon horse beat him up, several weeks later, he went missing."

"So, what's it to you?"

"He was my brother."

*Dun, Dun, DUUUUN*

Twilight, Rarity and Applejack glared at the pegasus and before they could say something, the hoo-man cut them off.

"However, that's not what really got my blood boiling."

"I-it isn't?"

"Yeah I was angry, but what I'm really pissed off about is that I didn't get an invite to Spike's awesome yacht party. I mean I even went out my way to not maim Spike all that much in my videos and this how he repaid me."

All he got was a collective "Huh?" from the mares in his office.

"Well, those things and I'm a bit of sadist."

For Rainbow Dash and Applejack as well as hidden part of Rarity's brain, kicking his ass became a more and more viable option, the deeper he went into his stereotypical villain diatribe.

Twilight glared at the evil polo shirt wearing twenty something year old flash animator. "You should be ashamed of yourself. Your just lucky Discord didn't see this."

The element of magic's shuttered at the very thought of a pissed off Discord.

"Who knows what terrors he would've brought against you hoo-mans."

"That's all well and fine, but you’re forgetting something."

"An' that is?"

The young man gave a whistle. "This."

Soon the ground began to shake and rumble the room filled with an eerie blue fog and the back wall of the office exploded.

*BOOM*

When the smoke cleared and seven figures had taken residence up in the room.

Before the four mares were Lard Ass Rarity (Larity for short), Twit-light, Trampy Pie, Psychoshy, Japple Ack, the corpse of Rainbro Dash, Robo Dash and stoner Spike, who we'll call Spite.

The yellow psychotic pegasus revved up her chainsaw. "Hey, hey, hey let's pretend we're in my shed."

"I the generous and beautiful pony that I am shall engage you hooligans in combat if I must."

"Y'all are in for a beat down." Japple Ack swung her bat at the empty air.

"I'll suck ya knob for twenty bucks."

"Time to do some magic with a dash of SCIENCE!!!"

Flies simply buzzed around the remains of Rainbro Dash.

"Kill, Crush, Destroy, Swag, Kill, Crush, Destroy, Swag, Kill, Crush, Destroy, Swag..."

"Fuck this shit." Spite went to the corner, propped himself up against the wall and lit up a cigarette.

The human looked at his abominations and the four of the mane six. "ATTACK!!!"

Psychoshy welding her chainsaw lunged at Twilight. The unicorn had to muster all of her strength to keep the saw wielding mare at bay.

"won't you please let me...um... TEAR OUT YOUR EYES AND FEAST ON THE SWEET NECTAR INSIDE, MWHAHAHEHEHEHE!!!!"

The element of magic grunt as she kept a magical shield up, but the psychotic mare's blade was chewing right through it.

The human watched as Twilight fought against the evil counterpart to Fluttershy. "Having problems with your magic? It probably doesn't help that Shy's saw chain is made from Nth metal, so good luck with that."

Twilight dropped the whole magical shield strategy and began a new one consisting of rolling and dodging her opponent.

To the left of the unicorn her Apple marked friend wasn't doing too much better as Twit-light was using her magic to redecorate the office interior by throwing the country mare through several cubicles.

"HEY TWI?!"

"URG..." She just missed the buzzing saw and clanged against the tile floor to her side. "...YEAH?"

"What's the best way to take out an evil version of you?"

"Hmmm... try throwing something at her horn."

The farmer managed to break free from the terrible unitard and galloped to the opposite side of the building. "Can do!"

Applejack grabbed a red Swingline stapler from a nearby desk and flung it at Twit-Light's magic spewing appendage causing her to topple over and into an industrial shredder.

As for Twilight, if she didn't think of something quick, she would be soon saving a lot more bits on mane shampoo. 'Think, think, think...uh...'

Lucky for her that during her battle she somehow made it to the server room and got a glimpse of an item that just might save her flank.

"I love this saw and I'm gonna make it part of you."

"That's okay...arg...keep it!" With those words Twilight used her magic and wrapped a piece of cable from the server case around the body of the chainsaw and with a swift motion she slid forward underneath Psychoshy and yanked the piece of logging equipment under the pelvis of her attacker, resulting in an extremely gory mess.

Huffing and puffing the purple unicorn managed to find her earth pony friend.

"What happened to that evil Fluttershy?"

"She *huff* had to split."

"I reckon we got a hoo-man to talk to?"

"Yeah, let me catch my breath." As soon as those words left Twilight’s mouth she fainted, because after all she was a nerd and she just came out of a fight with a chainsaw wielding maniac.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash who at this point managed to get outside the studio was desperately trying to keep her distance from the Robo-Dash robot.

"KILL, CRUSH, DESTROY SWAG, KILL CRUSH, DESTROY, SWAG. ORIGINAL RAINBOW DASH MUST BE DESTROYED."

"Crap!" Dash exclaimed as she dodged another missile blast. "Gotta think, gotta think, gotta think. What would Daring Do, do?"

Conveniently, Rainbow had read Daring Do and the Mystery of the Mysterious Robotic Clones last week and from this she began to formulate a plan... and it might just work as long as she can avoid the laser death trap flying behind her.

"Hold up!"

"WHY?"

"I challenge you to a swag contest!"

"DIRECTIVE FOUR MANDATES THAT I AM THE MOST SWAG BEING IN EXISTENCE. I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE."

The two flyer took off at mach two, to find a the most suitable way of settling this: a break dancing competition.

The two ended up in a park just outside of Venice Beach and located some teens getting down on the cardboard with an old Ghetto Blaster. Oddly enough seeing as this was Venice; the kids didn't even bat an eye at the robot and a pegasus landing before them.

"HUMAN CHILDREN, WE DEMAND USE OF YOUR STAGE FOR A SWAG CONTEST. YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS TO COMPLY."

One of the urban youths threw up his hands in defense. "Whoah, Mr. Ed 209, you can have the mat."

Robo Dash began to pop and lock, starting off with a few tried and true moves like spinning like a top on her head, doing front hoof stands and gyrating her pelvis in a 360 degree rotation (because being a robot, she could do that).

The crowd clapped and nodding at the respectable performance the robot had brought fourth. The flesh and blood Rainbow Dash made her way to the dance arena.

"Oh, yeah watch this." The pegasus pointed to the hoo-man near the boom box to change tracks.

Rainbow started to jerk her body in a very stiff motion side to side at first, then moving to a clean electric slide, then she few backwards and used her strong wing muscles to propel her upwards. The crowd was getting into it. It wasn't over , yet, not by a long short, she used that momentum to give herself some air time to pull off a few flips. Her repertoire was a complex set of gestures that no four legged creature should be capable of, but the pegasus always did have a pension for splitting in the face of physics. As the crowd gathered looked on in amazement and her opponent watched, Dash's movements began to flow like water as if she was possessed by a break dancing demon. It almost to much for the audience. It certainly was to much for her robot doppelganger.

"SWAG OVERLOAD, TOO MUCH SWAG, DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE."

*KA-BOOOOOM*

Rainbow "Danger" Dash grabbed the faceplate of the android menace as a souvenir before she flew back to the animation studio.

As for Rarity? Her battle went a fair bit better than her companions.

Larity charged at her Equestria counterpart, she suffered a nasty heart attack, because a diet of deep fried mayonnaise balls and Hot Pockets will do that to you. So that was one enemy down with only Japple Ack left to fight.

"Ah'm gonna whup yer ass!" The .Mov counterpart to Applejack said while pointing her baseball bat at the unicorn. To compliment her threat, the dumb hick hocked a lugey at the mare.

Rarity's eyes burned red with hatred. Like a switch had been flipped, the lights of the room flickered and the air smelt of pure oxygen.

"IT. IS. ON."

Here's the thing about the white mare, unbeknownst to majority of Equestria the fashionista was a sixth degree black belt in Jeet Kun Do.

With that disgusting act Japple Ack sealed her doom as Rarity did a flying drop kick and just before her opponent hit the ground she fired a hoof into her solar plexus, liquefying her insides.

"Uwwah..." The orange mare fell over.

The white mare stuck a pose and bathing in her victory before trotting off to find the rest of her friends.

(Sometime Later)

The four mares met back up albeit exhausted, they still ready to take on their tormentor. They went back to his office and to nopony's surprise he left. There was however a certain purple drake getting high out of his mind in the corner.

"Now listen here, sugar cube. We wanna see that there boss of yours!" All of Applejack's anger came through her words as she glared at the dragon.

Spite just smiled. "Finally, I'm free of that dumb bitch."

"Come again?"

The dragon looked extremely happy to the point where he actually let out a few tears of joy. "I don't have to take orders from that retarded unicorn. I can finally live my--"

He cut off by the sight of Rarity, a non-morbidly obese Rarity. "Hey babe, wanna go get some tacos? I knew a great place by the beach. Maybe catch a flick? Then after that we can get..."

Rarity let Spite trail off as an idea formed in her head. "I shall go out with you, if you tell us where your employer is hiding."

"Pinkie Promise." He gave the unicorn a smirk.

'Oh, dear Celestia.' Those were the only thoughts running through the fashionista's mind.

"Um...cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a...uh...cupcake in my eye." At he end of the promise, her face looked positively green.

Deciding that her patience was at its end Rainbow flared her wings and looked down at the smarmy reptile. "Now, tell us were your boss is or else." To drive the point home she cracked her hooves.

"Sure, he went down the hall to the elevators, the password is Brooklyn Helicopter."

The four mares were surprised that it was that easy and left the dragon who proceeded to fiddle with a finger skateboard he got from who knows where.

During the battle, the smug animator fled to his private elevator to his penthouse at the top of the studio assuming that Robo Dash and Psychoshy would take care of everything.

When he got inside he noticed the mail on the counter, the first bit of mail was an urgent looking yellow letter sent directly to the crazed animator. He tore open the letter the heading was: Santa Monica Center for Disease Control.

"yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, we regret to inform you that you have contracted Mega Crotch Rot?! How in the holy fuck did I catch that one?!"

Trampy Pie just looked at The Director, scratched her nethers and shrugged. "Beats me."

He was about to berate his loose companion when the elevator door chimed letting him know he had guest.

Applejack bucked the doors off the elevator as the four elements of harmony galloped into the penthouse.

The animator looked down at Trampy Pie. "Attack!"

"Fifty bucks."

"Do you have change for a hundred?"

"You're on your own." Trampy left to go rummage through the refrigerator.

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash were about to attack, when suddenly the ground started to shake and air was filled with the sound of a freight train coming off its tracks.

The tremors stopped for a brief second as two large fists broke through the wall as if it were made from tin foil and grabbed him by the throat.

As the debris and dust from the hole cleared, a monstrous being stood before them...

...It was Perry Piekinski, human linebacker in all his seven foot, four hundred pound glory.

"Excuse me." Perry politely said as he tipped his helmet and dragged the animator back through the same wall from which he entered from, leaving behind several confused and mildly disappointed mares.

The ponies left the penthouse and went back to the office.

"That was a mighty bit anticlimactic." Applejack said looking mildly irritated at way events unfolded back in the animator's home.

Twilight looked visibly drained of all her energy to the point where she had no idea how they were going to get back home without her magic. Rainbow Dash picked up her trophy from her defeat of her metal duplicate. Rarity looked even more displeased than the rest of companions as she was not looking forward to her date with the very uncouth degenerate version of her Spikey-Wikey.

Just as they were about to continue collecting their thoughts, the corpse of Rainbro Dash shuffled to life. "Swallow your soul; Swallow your soul, Swa--"

*KA-DOOSH*

"Holy Shit!" Spite yelled out.

The possessed pegasus's head exploded into fine mist and standing in the doorway was Doctor Whooves gripping a shotgun in his mouth, mostly because he lost his sonic screwdriver weeks ago and a big gun was the next best thing.

Noticing her white coat was covered in wicked nasty Rarity was the first to break the silence that hung in the room. "Ewww."

"That was totally awesome!" The cyan pegasus squealed. "Dude, the only thing missing was a bad ass one liner like: the Doctor is making a house call and you need to rest in pieces."

Applejack brohoofed her best friend in agreement.

"How..." Twilight's mind was still reeling from what she had just witnessed.

"We'll you see, it all started this morning..."

(Flashback to eight hours earlier)

Doctor.Mov

Ditzy was out delivering mail, Dinky and Sparkler were at school, meaning the greatest stay at home dad in Equestria was busy taking care of household chores like watering his spice garden, making sure the laundry was done, making K9 less annoying and going online to sign up for those cooking classes his family was urging him to take, 'hmmp...bloody ungrateful, oooh what's this?'

The Doctor was under the email account that he and Ditzy shared and saw a video link sent to his wife. "One little look can't hurt?"

After watching Shed.mov and seeing what they did to his beloved wife, the hourglass marked earth pony, tried to calm his nerves as shook with a mixture of anger and fear. Lucky for him he managed to delete the message and to make sure that his children didn't get the same video link, he hacked into their email accounts and searched them for any trace of the schlock.

The brown stallion searched all over his house for his sonic screw driver and when he couldn't find it, he settled for a pump action shotgun, because when you're going into the great unknown it's better to be safe than sorry.

(End of Flashback)

"... and now I'm here."The former Time Lord finished his explanation. He expected a few questions, but when he looked back at his friends and neighbors, they looked both mentally and physically drained. "Would any of you like a lift pack to Ponyville?"

They all tiredly nodded their heads.

"I'm coming with you."

"I'm sorry darling, you can't."

"You made a Pinkie Promise." Spite said with a sense of finality.

The Doctor's ears perked up at the dreaded promise and allowed the drake into his teleportation machine.

"Wait! Before we go I need to get a few things."

After a few minutes Spite came back with his bong, his miniature skateboards and his best friend: Pacco.

Doctor Whooves, the four mares, Pacco and the alternate dimension Spike sent back to Ponyville.

As for Rarity’s date, to her surprise it wasn't that bad, sure the dragon smelled like bong water and cigarettes, but he was a gentledrake and those tacos were wonderful and he did let her pick the movie. When it was all said in done, the fashion obsessed mare found that could stomach another evening out with the dragon as long as he chugged an entire bottle of mouthwash.

It feels like I'm forgetting something...

Oh Yeah...

Now for, “The Continuing Adventures of Perry Piekinski Human Linebacker”

"I'm just an animator, this is torture!" The film maker cried out.

Perry sat in a lawn chair with a hand around a wireless controlled to a shock collar. His other hand was wrapped around an ice cold glass of ice tea

"Shut up and get back to work..." As punishment Perry was making his guest pave Rarity and Sweetie Belle's parent's driveway on the hottest day of the year. "...and it better be level or you know what me am do to you!"

To make his point he hit the button on the remote.

"YEOW!"

"Oops, me am finger slipped."

Suffice to say, the Belle Family got a very nice driveway.

As for what Ted Nugent was doing in Equestria.

Like always the famous guitarist and hunter was on his best behavior in Equestria. Up to date, he had hunted and killed a manticore and a hydra, but today was special because it was the day he would be helping out his number one fans in Equestria: The Apple family and the animal he was hunting was a huge pest that bred in the millions, so he was free to hunt and kill as many of this animal as he wanted to on this hunting trip.

Ted was stalking around the western fields of Sweet Apple Acres with a large case in his left hand. He made sure to tread quite as a mouse careful not to disturb anything.

"Hey mister, whatcha doin'?!"

He looked down and saw Applebloom. "Shhh, be very, very quite I'm huntin' fruit bats."

"Alright, can I come too?"

Ted was about to say now, but the little filly looked up at him and used her signature weapon: sad puppy dog eyes. "Pleeeeeeeeassssssssseeee."

"Alright, but be quite."

"OKAY!!!"

Ted just glared at her which cause the little pony to shrink in fear. "Okay..."

Applebloom and Nugent eventually found signs of fruit bat activity on the ground. It was what appeared to be unmarked Skittles near the largest apple tree he had ever seen in his life. "Looks like we hit pay dirt."

"Pay dirt?"

The human rolled his eyes, before remembering that he had children of his own. "We found the critters we came here to hunt."

"Gre~at, what happens noaw?" Applebloom's voice cracked with her question.

"This." Ted put down the brief case he had been carrying, he opened its latches and he started to assemble what was in the case.

Within a few minutes he put together a truly monstrous looking device as the filly looked in awe. "This is a net gun..." He looked the tree and back to the gun and noticed a problem. "hmmm... hey Applebloom could you buck that tree?"

"Of course I can!"

The head strong foal bucked the tree and sure enough bats in every color of the rainbow came pouring out of the tree and this prompted Ted to launch a volley of nets into the cloud of winged rodents.

As the remaining bats fled the area Ted and Applebloom examined the nets.

"Wow, look at 'em all, whatcha gonna do with these fruit bats?" Before Applebloom could get a life scaring answer she heard somepony calling her name in the distance. "I'm sorry I can't stick around any longer, but I gotta go, thanks for letting me go huntin' with you, Mister Nougat."

Ted watched the adorable filly gallop off towards the farm house before turning to his bounty which looked absolutely terrified of him and for good reason as the proud hunter stuck a gloved hand int the net, pulled out a strawberry colored fidgeting bat and bit into it.

Normally things that look way too tasty often aren't, but as Ted learned this was not the case as his tongue was assaulted by flavor.

"Mmmm!!! These little bastards taste like biting into a fruit gusher!"

Then an idea popped into his head, he took another squirming fruit bat, blueberry by the looks of things and he rammed a a sharp stick though its head and placed it over a fire he built. Within about fifteen minutes he removed the cooked animal, making sure it was cool, he took a bite out of it. "Just like I thought it taste like blueberry pie, too bad I didn't bring any ice cream."

And so on in the coming weeks, Ted opened a game reserve where people come hunt these fruit filled creatures. It took the phrase, "I'd kill for some pie right now" to a new level as folks from all over the world paid a ton of money to kill an harvest yummy fruit bats.

Spike vs. Equestrian Gurls

Spike vs. Equestrian Gurls

Spike was once again looking himself up on the internet and he stumbled upon many a brony's favorite punching bag: Equestrian Gurls.

"Hmmm...hoo-man Twilight, hoo-man Rarity, hoo-man Pinkie Pie, hoo-man Fluttershy, hoo-man Apple Jack, hoo-man Rainbow Dash and pet dog Spike...wait, pet dog Spike?!!"

"I'm a mother fucking pet?! Rascist, specie-ist pieces of crap, bastard, douche bag, dic----" Spike's rant was cut short when Twilght appeared next to him.

"What's all the yelling about?"

"Look."

"Let's see...there's hoo-man versions of me and our friends and a adorable purple puppy."

"That’s supposed to be me."

"It’s not that bad."

"GAH!!!"

'I went from hero of the Crystal Empire to a queer looking purple mutt with implied bestiality.'

The dragon cracked his knuckles and was...interrupted by several loud knocks at the door. Getting up to see who it was, he was confronted the angry yet dopey looking faces of Snips and Snails.

"You guys didn't need to knock, you know that right? This is a public library."

"Have you seen that uh Equestrian girls thingy?"

"Yeah."

"It made us look bad, like we were the bullies from that one terrible cartoon about the whiny teenager and his dog. Anyway, we figured since we were made into idiots and you were turned into a puppy, that you'd want to beat some ass too."

Spike was actually surprised that these two had for as long as he had known them come up with a genuinely good idea.

"We'll if you two are serious, let's get to work." The dragon put his fist out to receive two brohooves from the two colts in front of him.

The producer of Equestrian girls was about to get into his BMW when out from the sky descended a giant scaly foot smashing his car flat as a pancake and scaring the ever loving shit out of him. As the smoke cleared and he looked up, he saw the figure in all its glory, it was...

Gamera

Damn right, because Gamera is friend to children and the two colts and drake were technically children. Well, that and when the giant turtle kaiju isn't staring in movies, he like most big celebrity monsters was chilling out in his mansion on Monster Island.

So naturally when a young reptile was in need of assistance, he was all to eager to help.

Doing what any sane person would do, the producer ran as fast as his legs would allow him as he tried to escape the jet powered beast.

Yeah, that didn't work and when he was eventually caught.

Two Days Later

Mr. Producer was waking up just as dozens of fan fiction writers and artists had woken up, tied to a chair in a dark room.

After a few minutes a lone light flickered on above his head. "Whaa..."

"You thought you could get away with it, huh?"

"What the devil are you talking about? I just produce cartoons for a living and in my spare time cave into the desires of major toy companies." He said as the three figures made themselves known.

Standing before him were Spike, Snips and Snails. The dragon pulled out a metal briefcase as his two pony compatriots set up a table next to the now visibly scared human.

"You made me into a fucking dog, not something cool like a Pit-bull or a Rottweiler or tartarus even a Bulldog. You had me turned into a damn Lhasa Apso! The only way you could’ve made it worse is if you made me into a Yorkie." Spike cringed at the last breed name.

Snips and snails turned to their guest. "We're used to being comic relief, but this was way too far. Yeah, when it comes to Trixie were not all that bright, but at least were not total tools."

Spike sat the case on the table and opened it. "Now, it's your turn to be humiliated and turned into a mutt."

The Producer shrieked in terror as Spike pulled out a fur suit, a roll of duct tape and a hot glue gun.

The next day, the human woke up on cold wet grass. Slowly, he got up and he instantly knew something was wrong as he couldn't open his mouth and a thick material covered his entire body. He tried in desperation to remove the suit, but it was no use because his hands were duct taped shut in the gloves and the head portion was hot glued to his scalp.

'Well, it can't get any worse.'

As soon as he thought those words, he was doomed as from his left side was an army of furries running towards him and to his right was a very drunk and mildly confused Ted Nugent. If you asked why, it was because unbeknownst to him, both parties has their punch bowls "Spiked" with LSD. To the furs it looked like an opportunity for a massive fur pile, and to Ted Nugent it looked like he had found the elusive man-wolf that he had hunting since he was ten years old.

Now for a story with Guyra and Caramel Apple.

A very intoxicated Guyra and Caramel were relaxing in the pool, while Lyra and Bon Bon were out once again delivering justice to the hoo-man world. The only other pony there was the pool technician: Chlorine Floater. It was all pretty chill, that was until from the corner of his eye Guyra spotted a massive member of the avian family.

"Holy shit, Mel. It's the penguin again!"

"Huh!" The tan earth pony jolted upwards at the mention of the majestic flightless bird that plagued their minds.

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to just be trottin' around here. We have to send you back to the South Pole."

Chlorine looked at the two high stallions with a face that said 'Oh no, not again.' She positioned herself in from of the pair. "For the last, time there is no penguin."

All the two of them saw was the bird shaking its head side to side as if to mock them.

"Mister Penguin!!!"

"Waaah, Waah, waaah." With a series of penguin speech, it gave chase to the two ponies.

Lucky for them, they had their own secret weapon: a golf cart and followed the cold weather water fowl. *Jackass theme plays*

"Don't run away, we're the good guys."

"Yeah, Fluttershy will treat you all respectable like. She could probably find you a pet owner."

Once again the penguin let out a stream of gibberish and stuck its tongue out at them. This only made them more determined to catch it.

As all this was happening, their golf cart crashed into stalls, and knocked ponies over in their wake.

Just as they were about to finally capture their bounty, the damn thing disappeared leaving only a pair of dazed and confused overgrown colts to face a lot of angry ponies.

They both got three months of house arrest and six months of community service.

A/N: Thanks for waiting and reading.

Diapers and How Perry Got his Groove Back

It had been a fair while since the ponies and other assorted creatures of Equestria dealt out any sort or violent justice to their human counterparts of Earth, in fact several groups had formed just so that they can discuss bad fan art and fanfiction...sorta like a book club, but with poor literacy, laughter and grain alcohol. In the heart of Ponyville one such club exist, well maybe not the heart of Ponyville but rather a little bar known as The Sauced Windigo just to the left of the bowling alley.

Inside the pub the latest meeting of such a club.

*Cheers Theme song*

A tan earth pony sporting three horseshoes trotted through the double doors of the fine drinking establishment and as he entered the familiar faces inside greeted him. “Mel!” They all shouted in unison.

Caramel nodded and took a seat at the bar counter and gave Berry Punch a gentle smile. “Let me get uh… appletini minus the apples and the vermouth... ”

“So, just gin?”

“Yep.”

As the mulberry colored mare poured her regular his drink, the element of honesty herself AKA his boss took a seat next to him and ordered some of her namesake.

He looked over to her and noticed that she looked positively miffed and since he had a fantastic work relationship with her, bordering on close friend he did what anyone would so in the situation.

“Hey what’s wrong AJ? You seemed more annoyed than the time you discovered that some hooman had written a fic where you were tossing Cranky Doodle’s salad.

Applejack stifled a laugh as she playfully slugged Mel in shoulder. "Ah'll tell ya'll what's been grindin' mah gear lately are all the diaper stories and art."

“Oh that can’t be that many.” The stallion waved his hoof dismissively as he took a sip of his drink.

Just as Applejack was about to respond Berry piped up from behind the counter.

"Tell me about it, for some reason, there are grown ass men that think fermenting in feces is hot. I’m just lucky I only get painted as a drunkard, I mean just because I sell and make the stuff, doesn’t mean I drink a lot of it. Like they said in Scar Snout, ‘don’t get high on your own supply,’ but I digress."

“Whelp, Ah ain’t gonna have it, Ah’m gonna go down to the hooman world and make these sick bastards pay. ”

With that the orange mare finished her drink, paid her tab and trotted out the door and made her way to the Golden Oaks library.

Much to Applejack’s dismay, Twilight couldn’t help because of the whole becoming a princess thing. Yeah, when you’re a ruling party member of an entire country, you’re no longer your own boss anymore with filing all the paperwork, working late hours, attending parades, signing off on public executions, buying a fleet of jet skis and getting your own custom stationery made up. Luckily, the farm pony did have alternative aid in the form of the Whooves family who had only recently come back from their long vacations to parts unknown.

After a few knocks on the door, it opened revealing a surprised Dinky. “Can, Ah speak to yer pa?”

“Uh-huh.”

She followed the filly into the quaint suburban home, pass the kitchen and to the basement, just outside the TARDIS.

“Daddy, Miss Applejack’s here!” Dinky shouted as she left the older mare.

As soon as tiny unicorn left Applejack heard hoofsteps coming from inside the blue box.

“Hey Doct...errr… what in Equestria happened to you?!” The earth pony exclaimed as she was confronted not by the stallion she knew, but rather by a semi-younger looking one, same cutie mark, but different face, longer mane and completely different colors sporting a fez and a bow tie.

“Well hello Applejack...what this?” The orange mare slowly nodded to which the Doctor gave an amused chuckle. “Apparently, sharks on this planet do not speak like you ponies do and long story short, I’ve taken my last regeneration, funny because the last few times on this world all it did was give me wings and take them away, still not a ginger. Funny how things work out.”

‘Woah nelly, not even gonna attempt to wrap mah head around all this.’ She thought to herself before getting back to the matter at hoof.

“Ah need ya to take me to the hooman world.”

“ I really have a lot on my plate at the moment, so It’s gonna cost you.” The new doctor whooves said with an almost sinister smile.

“*gulp* W-what do ya want?”

On Earth, once again large masses of people disappeared, it would’ve been cause for alarm had it not been the more important news like the first successful human cloning procedure who just happened to be Freddie Mercury, so yeah double whammy.

Getting back on track, these people all seemed to have three things in common, one they were bronies and pegasisters, two they all had a love for a certain incontinence device and three they were all unconscious.

Slowly they began to awake from their stasis only to be greeted to the sight of pitch black nothingness. All they knew was they were all seeming tied to folding chairs, the room was cold, damn cold like the Delorean timing traveling cold. They began to assess the current situation with mixed results.

“Whaa?”

“Who’s there?”

“Help, anybody!”

“Urg, these ropes are too tight.”

“Stop whining.”

“I’m not whining, I’m complaining.”

Just as more of the group were about to voice their own concerns the lights came on with a loud clicking noise and they could see that they were in a meat locker.

Standing in 400 pounds of tassel bound, face painted glory was a sight no one on Earth had seen in twenty years.

“The Ultimate Warrior? The fuck?”

“Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel as I totally foked myself to be here from the Terrain of Testemate.”

“Huh?”

“A true warrior knows when they need to punish the weak willed, no quarter will be asked and none shall be given, HOAK HOGAN!!!”

*SHRONK*

“Can someone get us a translator? What are we even doing here? I thought he was dead.”

“That was not me who left, but rather a clever imposter as I jacked a track across parts unknown to be here.”

“Huh?”

Just as the Warrior was about to spout more pseudo-philosophical BS, another familiar face entered the room.

“Oh, thank Celestia, Applejack’s here, she’ll save us!” They all cried out in unison.

“Eenope.” She saw the look of confusion of their faces and being the honest mare she is, she began to give the quick run down of the her plans. “Now, why would Ah rescue y’all when I summoned Mista Warrior?”

The orange mare looked to her right to see the 90’s wrestler smashing his head against the wall.

“Okay, sugar cube, let me get this out of the way, Ah got places to go and hoomans ta meet.” Applejack sighed. “Long story short, you guys and gals are creepy and I need to make y’all stop.”

With those parting words she left the room as her partner took center stage once more to the disappointment to the captives.

“You like diapers, will have all the crap napkins you can handle. You shall be my sacrifice to my favorite pony: Davenport!”

“The Sofas and Quills guy?”

“Aaah Ahhhh, do not mock the the one who sells futons and stationary you bastards. Your blood will summon him from the Dagobah system with a flap jack tuning fork that will run a chainsaw of destrucity of destruction upon you!!”

He then lifted a giant cardboard box filled with torture implements so heinous, they were outlawed by the Geneva Convention. They were books, but not just any books, they were the dreaded Ultimate Warrior comics including the issue where he foked Santa Claus with his south pole.

Sometime Later, Police swarmed the meat packing plant only to find the holy terror that awaited them. Heading the investigation were the duo of Montoya and Briggs.

The elderly of the two detectives sighed. “Damn, damn, damn Briggs, I never seen anything like it ...err...” Montoya was about to finish that though when he suddenly remembered the other similar situations. "Scratch that, I meant that I haven't seen anything like this since the other times we saw shit like this."

The younger of the two cops found an apple on the floor next to the bodies and took a bite. “Yeah, this as bad as the time were saw those dead nerds in the warehouse on Godero Boulevard with the baby horse movie. Not to get off topic, but this a damn good apple.”

Somewhere in Connecticut where a large manor stood on a cliff overlooking the sea a buttler entered his master’s bed chambers. Said master was doing what anyone in their mid 30’s would be doing, watching My Little Pony.

“Sir, your daily order of diapers are here.”

Tearing his attention from his television the rich lord of the house acknowledged his servant. “M’yes, thank you Reginald.”

“Now to eat some expired chinese food and load my pants up with glee both the show and actual shit.”

Just as the disgusting man was about to open the crate that housed his adult nappies, two hooves jutted forward and nailed him square in the nads. If it were any other pony that would have been the end of it but this was Applejack and the force in which she nailed the human with sent him flying through the wall and deep into space.

[Three Trillion Light Years Away]

“What the fuck is that?!”

“A moon?”

“That’s no moon.”

The object in question got closer and closer until it smacked against the windshield of the Falcon. The smuggler and his wookiee friend were face to face with the rear end of a very large bald naked man.

“Grrrraaaaaaaa, Heeeeeeeer Rrrrgggg!!!”

“I know we just had this baby waxed. Just hit the wipers.” With those words, the odd obstruction with cleared and they continued along their current course.

Back in Equestria Applejack was regaling her interdimensional adventure to the patrons of The Sauced Windigo.

“...And it only cost me one barrel of cider.” The orange mare finished telling her story earning several hoof claps from the other bar patrons.

Sadly all their revelry was interrupted by a bust of light errupted from the center of bar.

*KA--ZOW*

From the light and smoke appeared a phone booth.The doors opened revealing a well worn older version of Snips and Snails.

“We come from the future with a dire warning.”

“Peaches, peaches everywhere.”

With that being said, the two collapsed onto the floor.

*Cue Terminator 2 theme*

How Perry Got his Groove Back

"It had been weeks since Me am last maimed a cartoon horse even longer since any of those parties."

It started with an accusation that Perry Daniel Piekinski had been juicing up. The gentle giant...well as gentle as as five hundred pound (227 kg) wall of muscle can be, plead not guilty and for awhile everyone believed his innocence. The thing was like an avalanche the situation spiraled out of control and by the time the test results had came back clearing his, his reputation had been ruined. No one wanted to come to his parties or see him play.

He was in place so dark not even his best friends Ray-Bo Dash, Tiana Sparklestein, Fey Terrashy, Anna Jackson, Steve Drago and Rickie Belle couldn’t pull him out of his funk.

He spent weeks alone in his dorm. A long natural pink beard grew to occupy his face, his pompadour deflated and his muscles started to turn to fat.

*KNOCK, KNOCK*

Perry's time of reflection was cut off as he heard someone beating on his door, but as with all visitors as of recently he refused to answer the door.

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*

There's was the door once again, this time louder. It was starting to get on his nerves, and after a few more seconds the knocking stopped. Figuring that whoever it was, had gotten the message and left, he let out a sigh of relief.

*BAM*

*BAM*

The door shook like it has being beaten with something extremely heavy. An agitated Perry got up and ripped the door off its hinges.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WAN---" He couldn't believe his eyes, it was a teal unicorn with a baseball bat in her yellow magic.

"Lyra?"

"We need you to come back Perry, ever since you stopped coming to Equestria, there has been influx of new ponies... and... and... they're... and they're..." The unicorn looked worried as she stumbled over her words.

"...and they're what?" Perry asked in the most compassionate voice he could muster.

"They're terrible! They act like fucking sociopaths, have the personality of a tree stump and all of them have an emo backstory."

"Sounds like you're in a jam. Well, good luck with that." The linebacker picked up what remained of his door and began to place it back on its frame.

"You don't understand they have terrible color combinations like Pink with lime green stripes and they only want to nail the Elements of Harmony."

Perry continued to fiddle with the door.

"What's wrong? Don't you even care anymore?"

The human just stood there and shrugged his shoulders.

Lyra face contorted in an expression somewhere between extreme disappointment and anger . "You know there was a time when you wouldn't have stopped and given up because the fight was too hard!" She could feel the self doubt radiating off of him and it was at the point she only had one last card left to play, she got close to him and slapped him. "Somewhere in there is the hoo-man we need and we need Perry Piekinski!!!"

Perry looked dumbfounded. 'She slapped me, a month ago me am woulda broken that hoof and and crammed it down her throat.'

The still recovering linebacker began to reminisce about all the carnage he had caused over the last few years both on the football field and in Equestria. Memories of snapped spines, broken limbs, exploding trees, flooded his mind and by the time it was all over he let out a single manly tear and smiled.

As he was deep in thought Lyra began to notice a change starting to occur with the hoo-man across from her. His mane sprung back to life, his beard retreated and as if out of nowhere music started to filter into the room.

"Time for training and you will be the wise master."

"Huh?" The flabbergasted mare managed to squeak out before Perry grabbed her and jumped into the scene transition.

♪ ♫ The day's approaching to give it your best, and you've got to reach your prime That's when you need to put yourself to the test, and show us a passage of time We're gonna need a montage! (MONTAGE !)...♪ ♫

It started off slow Perry began lifting weights again, his muscles tightened as he struggled to lift a two hundred pound bench press and for some reason Lyra was there dressed in a grey sweater and orange wool cap with a whistle around her neck.

With the power of jump cuts and montage music still in effect, the scene shifted to an open area deep within the Everfree Forest. By this point in time the unicorn had somehow embraced her role and expanded upon it as she and the linebacker were now wearing matching blindfolds sitting in a bush.

"Come on, Pear, chase the cockatrice. Your gonna need greasy fast speed. Oh and remember to deep your eyes covered." With those words of encouragement, she pushed him out of the bush they were hiding in and out into the open field.

"SCREEE!!!" The snake chicken called out before it made it's attack landing its sharp talons into Perry's back cutting through his jersey and into his flesh.

"That's it, me am gonna make you into nuggets!" The linebacker yelled as he ran head first into a tree.

*CRACK*

*THUD*

Lyra peaked from under her blindfold, only to jerk it back down again and cringe.

However, from the cockatrice's perspective it was absolutely amused as the human struggled to locate it and when he finally grabbed a hold of something, it turned out to be low hanging branch.

As the monster was too busy laughing it failed to notice Perry grab its tail.

"Squawk!"

It felt so natural to be holding a living creature just before its beating. Perry smiled, it was all coming back to him and with a powerful swing he whipped his bounty against the ground like a flail as it tried to flap its wings in a futile attempt to escape his grasp.

Twenty minutes later, the pony and the pink haired man, who was now holding a bucket of extra crispy exited the forest.

It was over and Perry got his groove back.

In the coming days, the human linebacker made his way across Equestria playing janitor to a bunch of new arrivals, whose sad and bleak lives were about to get a whole lot worse as they made a new friend in the form of a cinder block and a staple gun. Perry wasn’t all about violence and destruction, he was also about freedom and by that I mean he was freeing them from their miserable lives.

Author's Note

Thanks for waiting and remember to submit your chapter ideas in the comments. Give a title, a brief description of the fic, and the characters you wanna see.

120 Days of Ass Kickin' (Unedited)

Canterlot, a city we’ve not touched much on in the story, lay serenely snuggled against the side of the mountain it called home. All was good this morning, rich ponies were getting unnecessary work done from coffee enemas to taint waxings, merchants were hiking up the cost of souvenirs to unsuspecting tourists, Luna was going to bed, Gary Gygax was doing a crossword puzzle, Celestia was downing her second helping of Prench toast and Discord was turning the castle maze into a giant bounce house much to the dismay of the visiting minotaur prime minister. Like I said it was the start to a beautiful day, that was until...

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M AN ASSHOLE?!” The voice of a pompous stallion screamed in his version of the Royal Equestrian voice as he stepped back from his computer wearing an expression of extreme disdain.

“Sire?” The prince’s butler Percy trotted into the room upon hearing his young master’s angered voice.

“I turn down one gold digging mare, one of hundreds of mares and suddenly, I’m the demonic love-foal of that prick from Frozen and that bloke that bothers Supermane. They made me into fucking Caligula.”

Yeah, the hoomans hadn’t been exactly kind to the prince he served. Blueblood was so angry he had to look up on the hooman internet to find a proper villain to use as his analogy to fit this situation.

“My dear sweet aunt, this blows boat ponies.”

“It’s not just this fic, I’ve read others where I do terrible things ranging from speciesism, racism, murder, rape, pedophila and more murder to general rudeness and buggery. This one is just the straw that breaks the metaphorical camel’s back.”

“I love my aunts, Cadence and my brother-in-law Shining Armor and I love good roast as much as the next stallion, but his has gotta end.”

“I am a stallion of dignity and grace and I’m gonna give some of these hoo-mans a piece of my glorious royal mind.”

“Um… sire aren’t you you taking this a bit far?”

Blueblood trotted back to his laptop, picked it up and shoved it in the face of his ever faithful servant. “Read the last three paragraphs of chapter one.”

Percy did as instructed and looked positively green. “Shall, I send for a chariot?”

“Yes and send a call to the costume shop for we will be going through my revenge with an element of class.”

On Earth, prince blueblood stood in front of a reasonably average suburban home. As he mentioned they stopped by the costume shop and were currently dressed in a manner not too dissimilar to the Green Hornet and Kato with the major difference being that the prince wanted to be Kato because he thought the outfit looked better. Far be it for Percy to question his master.

*Knock* *Knock* *knock*

Opening the door was a writer of one of the most lurid fan fictions that Blueblood had ever read. Rubbing his eyes, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing on his front porch.

“Prince Blueblood?!”

“You my dear sir are a piece of shit. You want evil, I’ll show you evil. I’m gonna take your mother out for a wonderful time and never call her again.”

“Oh, god no...”

“Yes, and on top of that I’m gonna borrow your car and not refill the tank.”

“You monster!”

And on that bombshell prince Blueblood left, but not before stealing all his shoes and filing his entire house with Legos, the little triangular ones. Not only guaranteeing that the hooman would be in immense pain, but that his vacuum cleaner would most certainly meet its untimely death.

The stallion also kept his word and broke the heart of a middle-aged single mother as well as leaving the car on bone empty. Overkill? Meh, maybe?

Our prince continued his reign of terror in fast paced montage with a song that may or may not have been performed by Stroke 9 (Kick Some Ass). Let’s face it when you’re loaded you can afford to hire your own sound guys and band to follow you as you carry out your half ass revenge ideas. That’s exactly what Blueblood did earlier that day.

(Begin Flashback)

“I want you fine gentlemen to be my minstrels while I carry out my acts of self justice.”

“No.” The band said in unison.

“I have a chest full of gems and gold trinkets.” Blueblood looked over to Percy. “Bring out the chest!”

The ever faithful butler wheeled out a massive treasure chest and opened it to reveal a shit ton of gold and jewels.

“On second thought, we’d be more than happy to work for you.”

(End Flashback)

Finally, our vindictive prince approached the last home on his list of ass kickings. It was the writer of “180 Days Around Blueblood.”

The unicorn once again approached the door and gave it a few solid knocks.

“Yes?”

“I have a message for a mister Lars Marson.”

Opening the door the young man looked in awe at the pony before him. “Holy crap, it’s prince Blueblood, I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile now.” The hooman cocked his arm back and took a swing at the royal stallion making direct contact with his jaw causing him to stumble backwards onto the porch. “That was for being a total nobhead to my favorite pony.”

Dazed, Blueblood righted himself and used his magic to pull the engine off a passing jetliner and hurl it into the brony’s house with extreme prejudice.

*SMASH*

*BWOOOM*

“Suck it, Donnie Darko.”

Don’t worry all the passengers on the plane were totally safe, because they were all saved by Spider-man because everyone gets one. Don’t question it, just drop it and move on.

“Well, Percy looks we got through to them and there will never be another story where I’m written as a total douche bag, ever again.”

With that, the prince and his butler went home.

The End?

Nope, because Blueblood is an easy target.

As for what Celestia and company was doing?

“You aren’t allowed to dance in our town!” The city council of Nowhere, Nebraska shouted at the defiant teenager that dared to join movement and music together.

*KAAAA-BOOOOOM*

Smoke poured through the hole in the wall in was what used to be the left side of a high school gym.

“The Hell, he can’t!” Celestia said as she stood over the rubble wearing an old World War Two helmet whilst holding a bazooka.

“What the dev--” Just as the town’s mayor was about to question all of this, Discord poofed into existence and turned half of the council of evil into decorative rocks with googly eyes.

“Children, thou art free to pursue joys of merriment and dancing.”

Unbeknownst to the high school students, the royal friends and Gary Gygax freed hundreds of DJs from a secret work farm underneath city hall.

Like a tsunami of people, the formerly enslaved music mixers filed through the hole brandishing keyboards, keytars, mixing boards and turn tables like weapons. The hard work of digging through hard rock for precious stones had made them strong and now they could get their revenge on their captors. Charging their instruments like proton packs they began to play and direct their sick beats at their aggressors.

(Imagine your own favorite artists...Me? I like Madeon, Mord Fustang, but it could be who ever you want it to be.)

“NOOOOOO, YOUR BEATS ARE TOO POWERFUL!!!” The rest of council screamed as they exploded like a Power Rangers villain, complete with the sparks and guitar riff.

Author's Note

A/N: Wow… I had a hard time reading the requested fic, even the riff version didn’t make it much easier. Special thanks to the fans who suggested this and may you all find the molten hot part of your Hot Pockets. JK, JK. Anywho, keep sending those chapter requests and I'll keep writing.